Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Tell Me What You Don't Like About the Series Finale

After 100 episodes, hundreds of surgeries and roughly 2,000 sex scenes “Nip/Tuck” has reached its end.

As someone who stuck with the show through thick and thin (all you had to do was adjust your expectations in seasons 4-7), I’m sad to report that the series finale was a bit of a letdown.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not disappointed about the fact that the show’s swan song was a relatively subdued affair (instead of an hour-long basic cable orgy). There were also several individual moments that made this a worthwhile episode. However, after last week’s excellent lead up, this series finale ended up being kind of a dull bummer.

Let’s get some of the bad stuff out of the way first – Matt is the worst TV character I have ever seen. (And I watch a LOT of TV.) I mean, he’s a lethal combination of pathetic, humorless and wimpy. I wondered if creator Ryan Murphy (who wrote the series finale) would try to redeem him in the end. Instead, Murphy appeared to go the other way and made him as unlikable as possible (which is actually an interesting direction).

To summarize, Matt ditched his fiancée at the altar to run off with Ava and wanted Sean and Christian to take care of his daughter while he and Ava traveled to Brazil to operate on her baby. Christian eventually made a deal with Ava (I DID like that they were evenly matched in deviousness) that would involve her dumping Matt in exchange for operating on her baby. (Shades of Christian forcing Kimber to dump Matt to perform surgeries on her.) In the end, Matt and his daughter Jenna tracked down Ava at the airport. Ava got her “perfect” child, while Matt got Ava (he doesn’t seem to mind that she doesn’t love him).

Ugh, Ava is too awesome (evil but awesome) to end up with Matt.

Also, remember how I said that last week Julia was as cool as she’s ever been? Well, this week she reverted back to her annoying Debbie Downer self. I mean, it was obvious that Sean was pretending to be content with his life (he WAS more fun that way), but having Julia be the one to naggingly point it out was disingenuous given that she was fleeing the country and taking his kids. She also had some harsh words for Christian (which I’ll get into a little later). This episode pretty much obliterated all the goodwill Julia built up (with me) last week.

Finally, I wasn’t a huge fan of our Patient of the Week, “Hiro Yoshimura.” Obviously, I had high hopes for the senior citizen Japanese porn star who was actually happy the way he was (but wanted a heart surgery scar removed), but the storyline offered nothing new or interesting (except for Sean and Christian doing drugs and kinda hooking up with Hiro’s two female companions). Also, you’re not going to believe this, but an operation Sean and Christian performed backfired and Hiro ended up dying. (The surgeries usually turn out so well on this show.)

But you didn’t come here to listen to me complain, and I don’t want to spend my last “Nip/Tuck” recap talking about the stuff I didn’t like. Let’s focus on the positive.

I think it was cruel of the show to never give Liz a functional relationship, but having Sean and Christian make her a partner (and letting her utter the show’s signature line) is a terrific consolation. The Sean/Liz baby poppa drama didn’t do much for me, but Roma Maffia was often excellent on this show, so it was nice to see her character end strongly.

I also really liked Christian’s arc (and lack thereof) in this episode. All season (and series) long has been about Christian refusing to let Sean go. In this episode, Julia had told him that he “steals people’s souls”, which was harsh, but also kinda true. (That also led to a terrific final appearance from Kelly Carlson’s Kimber, who told Christian in a dream that she’d killed herself to get away from him. Ouch.)

Christian eventually realized that Sean would slowly kill himself too if they stayed together and, for lack of a better term, broke up with him in a fantastic “tell me what you don’t like about yourself” counseling session. (That scene was much more effective than the music-montage dinner farewell for Julia – there should’ve been a banner that said, “Good Riddance” for that one.) Anyway, even with Christian’s breakthrough he’s still the same guy. I LOVE that the show ended with a verbatim recreation of the pilot scene where Christian first hit on Kimber at a bar.

While I enjoyed Christian in this episode, I HATED what they did with Sean. Yes, I understand that his freewheeling attitude early in the episode was a sham, but at least he wasn’t a pill. Still, the absolute worst sin the writers committed is that they apparently absolved Sean of all responsibility in his relationship with Christian.

It was Christian who decided to initiate the breakup (Sean would’ve been happy to go along and be miserable.) When Christian and Sean said their goodbyes at the airport, Sean actually said, “Thank you” as if Sean had been some sort of prisoner this entire time. Last time I checked, Sean was a grown-ass man and I absolutely detested that they made him out to be an absolute weakling that needed to be let go.

Oh well. Nothing’s perfect. And despite everything I just wrote, there’s no denying this show left a mark and that it will be missed.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can you honestly name a worse TV character than Matt McNamara? Were you happy/surprised to see the young children in this show actually resurface for a few minutes? Finally, what’s your favorite “Nip/Tuck” episode of all time? (I’ve gotta go with season 2 finale “Joan Rivers. It had everything – Ava Moore, Alec Baldwin, and a genuinely chilling shocker of a cliffhanger.)

Thanks for checking out my “Nip/Tuck” recaps (and a special thanks to the people who bothered to comment – even if it was to tell me I’m an idiot).

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Bitch is Back

Coming into this episode, the title of this column could’ve applied to both Julia and Ava Moore (pictured, left).

I know the Julia character has taken her lumps over the years (and I’ve definitely done some of the lumping) for her wishy-washy nature and general shrewness, but I’ve never enjoyed Julia more than I did in the latest episode of “Nip/Tuck.”

Things started out promisingly with Julia (and actress Joely Richardson) looking VERY good, before taking a nosedive when it was revealed that she was in L.A. to announce that she was getting married to an Englishman (allowing Richardson to drop her sometimes-painful American accent) and wanted to take Conor and Annie with her. I mean, why can’t Julia just visit the guys to say hi? She either shows up to hijack Sean’s kids or to announce she’s a lesbian. (Nice job by Christian when he asked if she was marrying a man.)

Predictably Sean took things poorly and threw a tantrum, while Christian tried to sleep with her. That was when this episode revealed it had some tricks up its sleeves.

We learned that Julia stopped Christian’s classy bar bathroom hookup in its tracks. Later, she shut down Sean’s advances in a similar way. While the guys fell into their go-to pattern of behavior, Julia announced (correctly) that she had simply outgrown them. If this had been Julia’s series-closing arc, it would’ve been a beautiful way to end these three characters’ relationship (Christian cheekily suggesting a three-way), which used to be the heart of the show. Instead, there’s one more episode for these three fools to blow it.

And that final episode will not be short on drama, thanks to the return of Famke Janssen’s Ava Moore, possibly the best character in the history of this show.

I remember thinking Janssen was great during her outstanding season 2 run as Ava, but I didn’t realize how much I (and this show) had really missed her presence. Not only is the painfully underused Janssen still sexy (it’s like she dropped off the face of the Earth when they stopped making “X-Men” movies), but she also brings a presence and intelligence to the proceedings.

Ava made an eye-catching entrance (haha, Sean and Christian checked out a guy!) before giving us a quick recap of her past (Alec Baldwin’s Dr. Barrett Moore is dead) and asking the guys to operate on a third-world baby she’d adopted. Christian refused, which prompted Ava to (brilliantly) try to manipulate Sean – and it worked until he figured out that she’d kind of stolen the baby and threw her out.

Fortunately, Ava still had her ace-in-the-hole: Matt McNamara, who confirmed his standing as the biggest fool in the history of fools.

With little effort, Ava seduced Matt (including a little flirting in front of his fiancée’s face) before sleeping with him and convincing him to ask Sean and Christian to perform the procedure. Sean and Christian attempted to straighten Matt out, but once Ava showed up in a limo at his wedding, he was a goner.

This would’ve never happened if Matt had kept his word and banished Sean and Christian from his life like he claimed he was going to. (Does this guy ever follow through on everything?)

Now, the stage is set for the final episode of “Nip/Tuck.” The show’s had a rough go of it over the last few seasons, but I commend everyone involved for putting together a terrific final arc (and for luring Janssen back) for what’s shaping up to be an exciting two-part finale.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you enjoy Edith and Walter Krieger, the Holocaust survivor patients of the week? (At this point, it’s SO predictable that the surgeries the guys perform are going to backfire. I also thought trying to apply the whole forgiveness theme to Sean’s storyline was a stretch.) Finally, what’s one thing you hope happens in the series finale, and who’s the one character you’re hoping makes a cameo comeback?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Plastic Surgery is SO 2004

“Nip/Tuck” decided to go all meta on us in its antepenultimate episode. (Yeah, I could’ve said “next to next to last episode”, but where’s the fun in that?)

If you’ve read this recap before, you’ve heard me repeatedly state that this show stopped being a serious drama a LONG time ago. (And how I’m mostly ok with that, as long as it didn’t pretend like it was still a serious drama.)

What I usually don’t mention (but is just as true) is that “Nip/Tuck” seems to have stopped being relevant in the mainstream shortly after the identity of the Carver was revealed at the end of season 3. The show still performed solidly for FX, but it never, EVER recaptured the buzz it had during those first few seasons. Now, (other than the people kind enough to respond to this column) I don’t even know anyone who cares that there are two episodes left.

I feel like the “plastic surgery is SO 2004” sentiment that dominated “Christian Troy II” was a(n unintentional?) reflection of the show itself. (“Nip/Tuck” is SO 2004!) Watching Sean and Christian futilely strive to remain relevant was bittersweet. It made for some interesting drama, but it also reminded us that this show really is past its sell-by date.

The feeling came to the forefront when Sean and Christian were visited by a real-estate agent couple they’d worked on in Miami. They wanted McNamara/Troy to reverse all the work they’d done for free because their artificially plastic faces were bad for business. Sean and Christian refused, stating that they both looked terrific. (The wife looked ok, but the husband looked like a cat.)

Still, since Sean is a malleable chump, he decided to try out some facial injectables, which were apparently the quicker and cheaper wave of the future. Of course, like most things that are quicker and cheaper, the facial injectables also didn’t work as well. Honestly, the only surprising part of this storyline was that Christian did NOT hook up with the tasty facial injectable doctor. (Although he DID feel some boob and butt, so you can say he hit a solid double.)

To show people that plastic surgery was the best, “no big deal” alternative, Christian insisted on getting a feather lift, filming the procedure and putting it on YouTube. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that?!

I may be a bit more squeamish than most viewers, but the excellent prosthetics used for this show’s surgical sequences consistently creep me out. So it was easy for me to guess anyone watching on YouTube would have a similar reaction. I actually thought the shot of a lonely Christian sitting sadly and confusedly looking at his laptop was the most effective part of the episode. It was even more effective than the sequence that’ll probably get the most attention.

I’m referring, of course, to Christian’s anesthesia-induced dream. Yes, seeing Joan Rivers (as herself and as Kimber) was amusing, and the return of Joan Von Ark and Donna Mills was random (I would’ve rather seen the return of paper bag girl). However, the sequence went on a bit too long for my taste and ended up feeling way too hokey in the end.

It’s too bad because the more subtle parts (Christian asking “Am I really this ugly?” after getting the cruel lipstick treatment he gave Kimber and others) were very effective. I also enjoyed Christian’s epiphany toward the end of the episode as to why he’s such an asshole. He pushes the people close to him away and ends meaningful relationships before anyone or anything else has a chance to hurt him.

Either way, it seems more likely than ever that the show will end with the lights being turned out at McNamara/Troy.

If I can make one request before that happens – can Liz get one meaningful, non-neurotic/abusive relationship with someone who won’t steal a vital organ?

I feel kind of like a fool for believing that person could actually be Daniela, the bi-curious pharmaceutical rep who Liz hooked up with last night. I thought their tentative flirting was cute, and I liked seeing Liz in the lead as a sexy and confident woman. Unfortunately, Liz didn’t like getting, um, sprayed in the face, so the relationship was doomed. (I’m guessing if things had gone better in bed, Daniela wouldn’t have gone back to her husband.)

With only two episodes left, I was disappointed to see Liz yet again left sobbing after being rejected by another romantic prospect?

So what do you think of this episode? Does Liz (or any other character on this show) deserve a happy ending? How do you think Ava Moore (Famke Janssen, where have you been?!) will figure into next week’s episode? Were you surprised by how much thinner Julian McMahon looked in season 1? Finally, would you watch a surgical procedure on YouTube?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Couples Therapy

When “Nip/Tuck” departs from its formula, the results have been mixed, at best.

The “Conor McNamara 2026” episode (with the cast in hideous old people makeup) is an unmitigated disaster, while the “Plastic Fantastic” episode, in which McNamara/Troy became the basis for a reality show was good for more than a few laughs (though I understand why some people hate it.)

The latest episode, “Dr. Griffin”, was yet another departure and the first completely successful deviation from the show’s MO. It also happened to be the show’s best episode in years.

It’s become clear over seven seasons that Sean and Christian have issues, so it makes sense that they’d see a therapist. The episode opened with an anonymous married couple toward the end of their session (the husband announced he was divorcing the nagging wife) before revealing that Sean and Christian would be Dr. Griffin’s next patients. (That little fakeout would’ve worked a bit better if the promos hadn’t already shown Sean and Christian in therapy.)

The best part about this episode (and the smartest move on the producers’ part) was casting the powerful actor Daniel Benzali (check out “Murder One” on DVD if you ever get the chance) as Dr. Griffin. He radiated an intelligence and an authority that made Sean and Christian seem even more like children than they already do, but it also gave the character the necessary gravitas for us to believe they’d open up in his presence.

And open up they did. Seeing them dredge up their past misdeeds was fun, but I enjoyed the little moments the most. I appreciated the exercise in which the doctors wrote down words to describe one another. (“Alcoholic” was a surprising choice to describe Sean, but if you watch recent episodes, the signs are there.) I also enjoyed the bit where each drew a family picture (Wilbur was absent from Christian, once again proving the point that the kids on this show just don’t matter.)

What’s another sign that the children on the show don’t matter - the fact that I felt absolutely nothing when Matt announced that he was moving away with his (latest) new fiancée Ramona and never wanted to see his fathers again. Actually that’s not true – my reaction was more like Christian’s. (“Whatever”, “You’ll be back.”) I hate to sound cold-hearted, but the Matt character has been little more than a spectacular screw up, and to watch him dump all his problems on his dads and not accept any responsibility sat very wrong with me. If this is the character’s last appearance on the show, good riddance!

Fortunately, the scenes with Liz joining Sean and Christian were MUCH more effective. Liz chastised the guys for being totally self-involved and constantly putting her in the middle of their fights. I appreciated that she went after both of them, when she could’ve easily focused mostly on Christian. (Let’s be honest – Christian has been much more horrible to her.) Liz also announced that she was pregnant with Sean’s baby. And, no, FX didn’t forget to air the episode where they hooked up, Sean had donated his sperm on the down low.

I found it very telling that Sean didn’t show his horror and fear over Liz’s pregnancy until after she was gone. (I also found it interesting that Christian didn’t throw Sean under the bus when Liz was talking about what a great thing the baby was for the two of them later on.) The doctors seemed to have a breakthrough of sorts when Sean finally, GLORIOUSLY, accepted that he’s to blame for whatever problems Christian has caused in his life because he’s let it happen. It took a long time, but Sean finally acted like a man (hopefully Matt will follow suit one day).

With the episode almost over, I wondered if the show could continue it’s tradition of naming its episode after characters that receive surgery from Sean and Christian. Although having the disgruntled wife from the opening come in and shoot Dr. Griffin in the face was dumb and completely counter to the minimalist tone of the episode, it allowed Sean and Christian to operate on him and keep the tradition alive.

By the end of the episode, Sean and Christian had met up with another therapist, which leads me to think (for the first time all season) that maybe these two will actually stay together when this show ends.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will we see Matt again? If Sean and Christian split up, who would Liz go with? Finally, are you as shocked as I am that one of the best episodes ever of “Nip/Tuck” had zero sex scenes? (Unless you count the tax girl from the “Previously on” montage.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Sins of the Father

In the latest episode of “Nip/Tuck”, one character told one of our two leads to stop being a “chump.”

Now, if there were any way to bet on this, I would guess Sean would be the recipient of this bit of advice – and I would be wrong.

We had been lead to believe that “Virginia Hayes” was our Patient of the Week – a struggling actress and self-proclaimed “6” (maybe “7”) who wanted breast implants – but it turned out the real Virginia was the frustrated victim of identity theft. She lashed out at Christian for acting like a chump and falling under identity thief Marcy’s spell.

Now this episode went out of its way to point out the similarities between “Virginia”/Marcy and Kimber (hey, at least they gave Liz something to do for the first time this week), but I thought it was a bit of a reach. I applaud the writers’ effort to continue to have Christian deal with Kimber’s death (it would’ve been easier and not unprecedented to move on to the next thing), but I think this storyline was actually interesting on its own. They didn’t NEED to stretch to connect it to the doctors’ lives.

Sure, “Virginia”/Marcy was a criminal and there’s a good chance she was conning Christian to the very end, but I still felt bad for her when the real Virginia smothered her to death. (I think a big part of the reason I felt sad was because the actress kind of looked like Brittany Murphy.)

In case I was worried about my world turning upside down, there was no reason to worry – Sean went ahead and acted like a total chump in this episode as well.

The episode opened with Sean and Christian meeting with 15-year-old Aurelia Gallardo, the daughter of McNamara/Troy nemesis Escobar Gallardo (Robert Lasardo, pictured, left, who really is terrific in this role). Aurelia, a deeply troubled young woman thanks to her father’s dark legacy, wanted to know the truth about Sean and Christian’s dealings with Escobar and Silvio Perez, who had molested Aurelia when she was young (she didn’t remember this).

Sean toyed with the idea of coming clean to Aurelia about how Silvio’s brother had killed him out of shame and how Sean and Christian had disposed of Silvio’s body in the Florida swamp. Christian, not surprisingly, was against the idea, and so was Liz (hi again!) who wanted to put this part of their past behind them.

This led to a scary and effective fantasy sequence with Escobar popping up in Sean’s head again and telling him to shoot the crocodile that had invaded his apartment. You didn’t have to go to college (like Sean) to get the metaphor - the crocodile represented Christian and the dead body inside represented Sean.

Of course, Sean met with Aurelia and spilled his guts (the creepy music during the playground scene was effective), which led the Feds to McNamara/Troy. Now, obviously, I’m a bit hard on Sean from time to time, but he’s absolutely right to be frustrated and irate with Christian for bringing this (and other) trouble to their feet. I can totally understand why his mind would keep suggesting to him (in the form of Escobar) to cut ties with Christian.

The thing I can’t get over is, whenever he goes on his “Christian ruined my life” binges, Sean never shows any accountability for his role in all this. Christian didn’t trick him or force him to do something he didn’t want – Sean ALLOWED Christian to trick him and do things he was against. Still, I was very excited to see Sean revisit these thoughts and the possibility that he might actually turn on Christian is infinitely more exciting then having Sean walk away (to Africa).

I also like the way the show is going back to the beginning. Not only did they bring Escobar and McNamara/Troy’s original sin back, but by the end of this episode, Sean and Christian were right back where they started – dumping a body (“Virginia”/Marcy’s) to avoid trouble.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you dismayed or ok with the relative lack of Matt and Julia in the final season? Do you think we’ve seen the last of the Gallardos? Finally, how would YOU rate Fake Virginia?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Mommy Issue

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

Not only is that quote the only worthwhile thing from “The Godfather Part III” (well that and Andy Garcia’s performance), but it also perfectly describes how Sean must feel about his relationship with Christian.

Actually, that’s not entirely fair to say. Sure, Sean considered canceling his Africa trip with college buddy Curtis and the rest of the Savior Center staff after Kimber’s suicide left Christian looking and feeling like a wreck.

To add an extra helping of guilt, Patient of the Week Sheila Carlton had been brutally attacked by a monkey (chimp!) belonging to her unstable best friend Jane (played by an overqualified Frances Conroy of “Six Feet Under” fame). Sean could relate to Jane’s guilt (he WAS sleeping with Kimber until just before her suicide) until it became clear that she was sorrier for killing the monkey (CHIMP!) than she was over the fact that it had ripped half of Sheila’s face off.

Anyway, the guilt didn’t stop Sean from leaving – it was Curtis’ horny wife Sarah, who lied about sleeping with Sean, causing Curtis to lash out at him. Sean and Sarah had gone out for a friendly dinner, and a drunk Sarah was crashing at Sean’s place when she made her move in the middle of the night. That scene was incredibly hot, and Sean was a mighty big man for resisting. (I’m also assuming he had a mighty big erection under those covers – at least as big as his earlier erection when Sarah was examining him.)

Still, the whole thing felt like it came out of nowhere. Sarah had seemed more turned on by Sean’s facial reconstruction skills than by Sean himself, and it mostly felt like manufactured conflict to prevent Sean from leaving. It’s looking more and more like these two are destined to spend the rest of their lives together. They at least spent the end of this episode together, and I kinda loved Christian’s smile when he heard Sean was staying.

Speaking of Christian, the character seems to be alternating between asshole and, um, not quite 100% asshole every single week. In the previous episode, he was choking his wife during sex and telling her he could never love her, this week he’s serving a sympathetic shoulder to cry on for Kimber’s estranged mother Brandie (Melanie Griffith).

It was pretty obvious once naïve Midwesterner Brandie showed up that she and Christian would end up in bed together, so I was hoping for some kind of twist to spice things up. (Maybe Brandie not being as innocent as she seemed.) In the end, I was actually grateful to see that Brandie was just a sad, sweet, simple and beaten-down person without a hidden agenda. It was also good to see Christian actually feel remorse for his behavior before and after Kimber’s death. (I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of afterlife Kimber, which is good because a little Kelly Carlson sprinkled in is a good thing.)

Besides, this storyline delivered more than a few laughs thanks to Brandie’s disgusting, soap-obsessed tool of a car salesman husband (played by Robin Thomas). I also got a wonderful, unexpected (and unintentional) laugh when Brandie told Christian that she’d never had any plastic surgery. The fact that Melanie Griffith delivered this line was, to put it mildly, ironic.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are Sean and Christian destined to end up together or will Sean be able to break away? Do you think we’ll ever see Curtis or Sarah again? Were you happy to see Matt (now a barista) back? (It would’ve been nice if he hadn’t been a complete non-factor.) Finally, where the hell did they find Melanie Griffith?! 1988?!

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Death Wish

Well, that wasn’t exactly a shocker.

(And, no, I am NOT talking about the fact that I once again fell behind on my “Nip/Tuck”-watching. I considered blending the last two episodes into one column, but then I remembered that one of my favorite guilty pleasures only has a handful of episodes left. Each episode deserves its own recap, damnit!)

What I am talking about is that I’m not exactly surprised that, with the finish line in sight, “Nip/Tuck” bumped off one of its original cast members.

It’s also not exactly shocking that Kimber (pictured, left) was the one to go.

Ever since we met her in the pilot episode (and Christian broke her down by marking her body’s imperfections with Christian) she’s been on a slow, seven-season descent into total depression and brutal emotional abuse, mostly from the only man she really loved. I was sad to see her jump feet first into the Pacific off the back of Mike Hamoui’s boat, but I wasn’t really surprised.

At least Kelly Carlson went out on a high note. For the past season or so, Carlson has been as good as anybody else in the cast, making Kimber’s tragic end all the more heartbreaking. Obviously, Kimber wasn’t perfect, but with Christian being an asshole so much of the time, and Sean being a class-A moron so much of the time, it could be argued that Kimber was the heart of the show.

That’s saying something for someone who, when this episode started, was still in the midst of having an affair with her husband’s best friend. Christian finally got hip to how disinterested Kimber was acting and decided to try to spice up their sex life with some auto-erotic asphyxiation tips he picked up from a freaky-deaky patient.

Except that Christian removed the “auto” part and decided it’d be a good idea to choke Kimber while they were having sex, resulting in one of the show’s more disturbing sex scenes. (And that’s saying A LOT!) Nice work here by Julian McMahon and Carlson. When Kimber refused to return the favor and Christian later caught her faking an orgasm, Christian decided to insert the “auto” part back in and nearly died after hanging himself from his shower. (Did we learn nothing from David Carradine, people?!)

Kimber came home and saved him, but Christian had experienced a moment of clarity – he could never love Kimber. She sought solace with Sean, who was still acting angry and pissy and misguidedly lashed out at Kimber, who just needed a shoulder to cry on. (If you want to go to Africa with Curtis and do good work, that’s fine – just be a man and tell Christian to his face! Too often, Sean acts like a completely malleable chump. I see where Matt gets it from.)

Anyway, Kimber’s last ditch effort to find companionship took her to Mike, who apparently only welcomed her back so he could humiliate her (and because he needed a barmaid). That lead to Kimber’s fatal jump from the back of Mike’s boat. I get that we’re supposed to believe Kimber didn’t have anything left to live for, but what about her daughter Jenna?! If you needed even more proof that kids (Jenna, Wilbur and Conor McNamara) are a COMPLETE non-factor on this show, this is it!

The way the jump was filmed was very effective and kinda beautiful, thanks to actor Tate Donovan (“Damages”), who directed this episode. He’d filmed Patient of the Week Joel Seabrook’s jump from the Golden Gate Bridge in a similar way, creating a nice bookend to the episode. (Seabrook’s jump and newfound zeal for life was what had inspired Sean.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s your all-time favorite Kimber moment? (Kimber doll!) Finally, if you were going to hang yourself for pleasure, would you use a belt or a scarf? (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Bald and the Beautiful

Figures

A week after I praised this show for (mostly) going back to its serious drama roots, the show reverts back to the more shallow and lackadaisical approach to storytelling that has become the norm over the last few seasons.

Look, I’m not a viewer that needs to have EVERYTHING spelled out for me. For example, as jarring as it was to learn that all of a sudden Christian and Kimber were married in last week’s season premiere, I can accept that they had reconciled and were in a relationship, so I didn’t need to actually see the nuptials.

But the latest episode, “Willow Banks”, appeared to have absolutely nothing to do with last week’s installment. Christian went from being high on life (redecorating his office and trying to cheer up his friend by buying that award) to down in the dumps and had decided to let himself go. (Hopefully they didn’t toss out Kelly Carlson’s fat suit from last season.)

It’s fine if the show wants to jump around a bit (after all, there are only SO many episodes left until the show is over), but when I sit down to watch “Nip/Tuck” I shouldn’t be asking myself, “Wait a minute, did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, as Christian was on his inexplicable path to (yet again) sabotage his relationship with Kimber (why did he decide to let himself go now?) he met the episode’s titular patient. Willow (Mini Anden) was a beautiful model who wanted to make herself uglier because she was tired of people never seeing the real her.

Sorry, but I almost hurt myself rolling my eyes. I wasn’t even that annoyed by her annoying request (like Christian was). I was rolling my eyes at the fact that anyone who’s ever watched the show (and most people who haven’t) could see EXACTLY where this was going.

First, Christian would hook up with the patient (they bonded in their uglification over some Kentucky Fried Chicken), the patient would be revealed to be a nutjob (she shaved her head and crashed her car into a wall at 110 miles per hour) only to decide that she wanted to be beautiful after all. Yawn.

And it’s a damn shame too because Julian McMahon (with his gray stubble that Christian would’ve almost certainly dyed) had fun being a slow and Anden delivered a very effective performance.

At least the writers were a little more subtle in showing us how Sean’s patient mirrored his life. Sean was treating a man who’d gone into a coma at age 18 and woken up 22 years later. He looked 40, but felt 18 so he wanted to look like a teen again.

Sure, the scenes with Sean taking the guy clubbing were amusing, but I was more interested in the idea of Sean himself waking up in his 40’s and realizing that it was time to start living his own life. The fact that coma guy ended up slipping back into a long slumber was probably an even bigger wake-up call.

I’m considerably less interested in the Sean-Kimber Affair(: the Sequel), which is a shame because, again, the actors are doing a good job. (In this case Dylan Walsh and, especially, Kelly Carlson are making me care based solely on the strength of their performances.)

But honestly, Sean sleeping with Kimber? Well, Christian slept with Julia, so I guess they’re even in terms of sleeping with each other’s wives. Still, the bottom line is that this move had little impact because almost every character on this show has slept with each other. (Anyone waiting on a Kimber-Liz hookup?)

So what’d you think of this episode? Where the heck are Matt and Julia? (I’ve actually been pretty ok with not having them around.) Finally, feel free to tell me if I’m way off base and that this was an excellent episode.

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Award Goes To...

As “Nip/Tuck” nears its ultimate end, I suppose the time was right for the show to go back to the beginning.

And I’m not just talking about the show literally going back to its origins and showing us how Sean and Christian first met. I’m talking about an episode that harkened back to the time when people could still make a case that this show was a serious drama by showing restraint (well, what passes for restraint on THIS show anyway) and focusing heavily on the past, present and future of its two main characters.

(Ok, so there was that mile-high sexcapade between Sean and the weirdly aggressive chocolatier, but this is still “Nip/Tuck” and those types of shenanigans simply can’t be avoided – and are expected.)

The episode opened with a bang – as in Sean banging a sledgehammer against a pretty marble wall and destroying an important-looking trophy called the Albert Poland award.

The events leading up to Sean’s destructive redecorating job were revealed afterwards. Apparently, ALL the financial problems from season 6 are gone (I don’t mind, they were a drag anyway) and McNamara/Troy are rolling in cash. Cue the new female designer who Christian is almost-certainly banging. (Obviously, it turned out he was.)

Still, Sean and Christian were mostly glowing after being awarded the prestigious Albert Poland award by the University of Miami.

Before they flew back to accept the prize, they had to deal with patient of the week, Dan Daly. I have to hand it to the show’s writers – they keep digging deeper and deeper and coming up with truly fascinating, scary, freaky, interesting afflictions for their patients.

Dan suffered from a neurological disease (which I have no chance of spelling correctly) that makes him prone to angry outbursts and causes him to mutilate himself. The life expectancy for people with his affliction is 45 (watching this guy, I thought to myself, “That high?!”) and Dan had just turned 46.

Of course, this (and what he saw as a lifetime achievement award) caused Sean to re-evaluate his life, specifically his first meeting with Christian. (“We Belong Together” in the soundtrack was a nice touch.)

This is the part of my recap where I stop and applaud the actors who played the younger versions of Sean and Christian. (ESPECIALLY Andrew J. West as young Christian, who we knew was a douche because he had a popped collar.)

The flashbacks would’ve been amusing on their own, but they actually revealed new information about the characters. Sure, Sean and Christian have referenced their college days repeatedly in the past, and we could all deduce that Sean basically carried Christian through med school, but I was surprised to learn that Christian deliberately sabotaged Sean and kept him from getting into Harvard out of fear of losing him (and his coattails).

The sabotage itself is not surprising, and neither is the fact that Sean ultimately (wimpily?) forgave his friend. I was surprised to realize that Christian’s destructive shenanigans went back THAT far. If you subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life sucks (I personally think he can be a bit of a stick in the mud and I can appreciate that Christian loosens him up), then you could make the case that Christian helped ruin his life. (Though I agree with Christian in that Sean needs to take some responsibility for himself.)

However, I don’t subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life is COMPLETELY horrible. He’s a hot-shot, successful plastic surgeon in L.A. and, for better or worse, (ok, mostly worse) he couldn’t have gotten there without Christian. That symbiotic relationship has been the show’s major theme and, thus far, it’s been impossible for Sean to break.

I mean, even after it was revealed that Christian essentially bought the Albert Poland award, Sean (and I) couldn’t be 100% mad at the guy because he did it for Sean. (He thought the legitimacy of the award might make him feel better about his work.) Although Sean and Christian had a nice, touching scene at the end, it still feels like the two will go their separate ways by the end of the series. I haven’t decided whether that’s what I want to see, but I’m interested to see how the writers handle it either way.

Of course, Christian’s major problem is that his affection for Sean doesn’t extend to anyone else in his life. Apparently, Christian and Kimber are now married, but that didn’t stop Christian from impregnating the decorator. (That vasectomy was WAY overdue.) I thought Kelly Carlson did some strong work towards the end of last season, so I hope she isn’t stuck playing Christian’s fool for very long.

So what’d you think of this episode? How much of Matt and (shudder) Julia are you hoping to see in the final season? Finally, would you like this season to be more serious like this episode or more crazypants, like the last few years?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Do No Harm

For a show that’s had both feet firmly planted in the highly-stylized, “Screw logic! We’re gonna be as crazy as we can and have fun doing it” camp for the last couple of seasons, the latest season finale of “Nip/Tuck” was a real downer.

I mean, even the obligatory sex scene — a pregnant Kimber seducing Dr. Mike in hopes of tricking him into thinking he knocked her up — was more sad and desperate than it was hot. (Although Mike instantly diagnosing that she was pregnant was funny.)

Now, I’ve actually been ok with the show’s foray into ridiculousness — it’s not like “Nip/Tuck” is pretending to be all classy like “Mad Men” and I dig the unpredictability and, yes, the joyful depravity of the more outlandish episodes.

Still, “Wesley Clovis” was probably the closest this show has come to being a serious drama since its season 2 heyday. I realize the previous sentence should be unquantifiable praise, but I mostly felt like I was thrown for a loop.

I mentioned Kimber before, and I have to go back there again because Kelly Carlson has been kind of excellent the last couple of weeks.

Kimber notified Christian that he was pregnant, but Christian – having apparently taken too many of his asshole pills earlier in the day – told her to get rid of “it” if she wanted to be with him. After Plan B (Mike) didn’t work out, Kimber did what Kimber always ends up doing – she made a major sacrifice in order to satisfy Christian.

One of the episode’s unexpected treats was the scene between Kimber and Liz, the only person Kimber could think of to drive her home after her abortion. Earlier in the episode, Liz had surmised that Kimber getting pregnant was a way for her to keep Christian around. However, watching the two women bond over their “hate that I love him” relationship with Christian was touching. THIS is a good use of Liz, as opposed to the scorned, spiteful ex-wife from earlier this season.

It would’ve been nice if Christian’s character had SOME shading in this episode. Despite his actions and the fact that Kimber has said that she doesn’t believe Christian has a heart, I think we can all agree that the show has gone out of its way to show us that Christian, no matter how misguided and selfish he is, is NOT 100% evil. That’s why it was so disappointing to see him behave so horribly toward Kimber.

Maybe we can chalk it up to the fact that he was concerned about Matt’s life.

Sean and Christian were presented with an enticing offer: if they performed liposuction on a death room inmate accused of rape and murder to make him fit for execution, Matt would be let go. (Good negotiating skills, Christian!) Christian jumped at the chance, but Sean wasn’t interested in contributing to the death of a human being.

This was confusing for a couple of reasons. 1.) When Matt was a fugitive, Sean was the one who didn’t want to turn Matt into the police, while Christian was the one who thought jail would do him well. I can understand Christian’s change of heart, given that he knows how Matt has been terrorized in jail, but it was confusing to see Sean act this way. 2.) I’ve seen every last episode of this show (and I have them all on DVD) – let’s just say Sean has done WAY worse things from an ethical standpoint than helping the state execute an inmate.

Speaking of which, I would’ve appreciated if the simpleminded Wesley Clovis (played in a nice dramatic turn by the great Eric Stonestreet of “Modern Family”) hadn’t been so obviously innocent. The simpleminded inmate being executed gave off a whiff of “The Green Mile”, while the “my cellmate confessed to REALLY committing the crime” reeked of “The Shawshank Redemption.” (I guess the writers were reading some Stephen King in their Book of the Month club.)

Anyway, the guys eventually agreed to the surgery, and Matt was free to go. Matt chose his freedom even though it meant that an innocent man was being executed. I know we were meant to be surprised by Matt’s choice to let a man die so he can go free, but why? Matt’s pretty much always been a loser scumbag – now he’s got an evil streak just like his (biological) daddy. The warden was right – Matt’s not exactly rehabilitated.

That led to the heartbreaking execution scene (very well played by Stonestreet, Dylan Walsh and Julian McMahon), which came before an even better scene.

Previous “Nip/Tuck” cliffhangers have had Christian in the hands of the Carver, and Sean bleeding to death after being attacked. That’s why I appreciated the subtlety of all the main characters (and the kids who are only dragged out to let us know the writers haven’t forgotten that these people are supposed to have kids) coming together and eating Chinese food at the end.

Everything looked all right on the surface (kind of the theme of the show), but we all knew the horrors they were each masking.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you surprised to hear almost no mention of the practice’s financial troubles? Would you have told the truth if you were Matt? Finally, were you hoping for/expecting a more outlandish finale?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Brotherly Love

This show does a lot of crazy crap that I’ll forgive, but playing the previously-unseen/dead relative card isn’t crazy…it’s lazy.

And that, I’ll almost never forgive.

On top of that, seeing as how it was the last episode before the show’s fall finale/sixth season ender/whatever the hell they’re actually calling this thing, it seemed like an odd time to introduce a character no one was asking for and giving him a one-episode arc.

Neil Hopkins, best known (to me) as Charlie’s brother on “Lost”, played Brendan, who showed up battered and bruised and asking Sean for help. (I actually DO find it amusing and interesting that Sean, Christian and every character on this show think that plastic surgery can fix whatever is wrong with their lives.) For some reason that either wasn’t explained or that I missed, (totally possible since I cared so little) Brendan had been presumed dead by Sean and his family.

Anyway, Brendan showed up at the worst possible time for Christian, who was drowning in debt and had asked Sean for a loan. Christian asked Sean for the loan after his go-to move (nailing the unrealistically tasty IRS agent) didn’t work.

Look, if the show wanted to play the previously-unseen/dead relative card, there were several ways the writers could’ve made this story interesting. Unfortunately, the writers did none of these things.

We’ve all heard Christian and Sean say, “You’re my brother” to each other, so Christian’s hissy, immature reaction to Brendan’s presence was painfully predictable. Also predictable was Sean acting like a chump throughout the entire hour, first blindly embracing Brendan at Christian’s expense and later easily believing that his brother stole Christian’s watch and cufflinks. Oh yeah – if you didn’t figure out that Christian was framing Brendan, then you’re as big a chump as Sean is. (The show’s attempt to make us think Brendan was back to his old druggy ways by introducing his nose-less buddy was CLEARLY a fake out.)

Of course, what was lost in all this long-lost brother nonsense was what appears to be the major storyline heading into the show’s final batch of episodes – the McNamara/Troy practice is in serious trouble and will almost certainly close by the show’s end.

By the end of the episode, Christian had forged Sean’s signature on a loan he took out. Despite my well-documented opinion that he’s a chump, Sean WILL eventually find out about this. I’ll be interested to see if he finally flips out for real in a major way after recently being betrayed by his wife (Teddy) and his best friend/brother (Christian) over money.

Christian ended up forging that loan application after giving a large sum of money to the patient-of-the-week, Benny Nilsson.

Although I have a vague recollection of Sean’s brother being mentioned years ago, I definitely have a clearer memory of Christian’s past as a victim of sexual abuse from his adoptive father.

From Benny’s first meeting with Christian, in which the Swedish lad requested to look more like his adoptive father, we knew something was up. This being “Nip/Tuck”, it wasn’t a surprise to learn that it was all about sex.

The adoptive father was sexually abusing Benny during parties that looked like the European version of the “Ass-to-Ass” get-together from “Requiem for a Dream.” He wanted the surgery because people would pay more to watch a father-son duo who REALLY looked like they were related.

All together now – EWWWWWW!!!

Christian eventually beat the pulp out of creepy dad and blackmailed him into giving him the money he owed the IRS, which he, instead, handed over to Benny. Despite all the insanity on this show, I continue to be fascinated with Christian. He’s “good” enough to save this kid by blackmailing his adoptive father and beating him up, but then he turns around and betrays his best friend. I admire the refusal to redeem the character and I look forward to seeing what happens Wednesday night’s finale and in the final group of episodes.

So what’d you think of this episode? Other than Hopkins, which other actors are typecast as no-good siblings? Did you miss Matt or Julia in this episode? Finally, what’s one thing you would like to see happen during the finale?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Fat Chance

We know “Nip/Tuck” can be both fantastically outrageous and relentlessly dark.

“Lola Wlodkowski” went for “fantastically outrageous” and delivered what was probably one of the silliest episodes in the show’s run. (I think it was probably too silly by half.)

Where do I even start? How about with the picture accompanying this column?

Liz had brought her straight, nudist, larger-than-life friend Lola Wlodkowski so that Christian could remove some of her moles. It didn’t take long for Lola to give Christian some serious “f--- me” eyes and for the two to hook up in the examination room. I know this scene was slightly played for laughs, but I have to admit – Lola’s self-assuredness and aggressiveness was hella sexy. I totally bought that Christian would want to hit that. (This also proves the old expression that “confidence is sexy” is 100% true and NOT just something ugly confident people say to feel better about themselves.)

Since he and Kimber are now dating (I know she broke up with Mike last episode, but this was still a little sudden), Christian confessed and Kimber was relieved, since she’d been annoyingly fussing about her weight earlier in the episode. Now she was free to eat whatever she wanted, leading Christian to imagine the outrageous scenario that put Kelly Carlson in a fat suit. (Do we think they just recycled Gwyneth Paltrow’s from “Shallow Hal”?) It was funny, but not exactly original, stuff.

Meanwhile, Sean was dealing with a patient named Tracy who, along with her plastic-y husband, worshipped Barbie and Ken. They admired the dolls so much that the completely desexualized duo wanted Sean to remove Tracy’s nipples. This came at a time when Sean was considering giving up sex altogether after his recent rough patch. (See: Julia running back to New York after sleeping with him; Teddy trying to kill him.) Sean couldn’t even be cheered up by the hooker Christian sent over. (What? Were you expecting a stripper?!)

This all lead to a hilarious “Leave it to Beaver from Hell” fantasy sequence in which Sean and Tracy slept in separate beds until he convinced his wife to give him oral sex only to discover he was a Ken doll “down there.” (Funny stuff!)

I get what the show was trying to do with these two patients, but I only think it succeeded with one of them. Lola (with her zest for sex and uber-confidence) was behaving the way someone who looks like Tracy should act, while Tracy (with her no sex stand) is what some people might expect from someone who looks like Lola.

In the end, Sean and Christian broke each woman down. I was glad to see Sean accept that sex and passion and messiness are just part of what make relationships worth having and hooking up with Tracy. I did NOT want to see him wallow in his own sorrow for a few more episodes.

I was MUCH less happy to see Christian succeed in getting Lola to believe she needed to look thinner. I get that this is what Christian does (bring people down to his level) and that he almost always succeeds at it, but, damnit, why couldn’t Lola REALLY have been the sexy, confident woman who wasn’t afraid to throw “f--- me” eyes at a guy who’s probably WAY out of her league. Also, I couldn’t definitely done without the mass (and I DO mean MASS) exodus of nudists who came to Lola’s rescue before her surgery. It’s not that I’m squeamish – I just thought it was really dumb. (This and the “G.I. Joe” revelation in the “Barbie” subplot was just one thing too many.)

Much more effective was Kelly Carlson’s performance in this episode. I wasn’t expecting anything heartbreaking from her (I mean, she DID vamp it up in a fat suit not too long ago), but the scene in which she broke down exactly why she and Christian keep reconnecting was absolutely perfect. She and Christian both hate each other, but they also hate themselves, and, as a result, they don’t believe that they deserve anyone better. It’s a sad, depressing thought, but it’s also 100% right on.

Given the light mood of this episode, Christian didn’t seem to dwell too much on this revelation and, instead, had a threesome with Kimber and Tracy. At first, I thought it was a little jarring, random and convenient for all the women (well, not Lola) to wind up in Christian and Sean’s apartment (hello again, hooker), but I’d much rather see the guys accept and revel in who they are rather than moodily try to break a pattern they can never really deviate from.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do Christian and Kimber deserve better than each other? Finally, would you ever have your nipples removed? (I’ve become quite attached to mine.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Breast Intentions

You should never, under ANY circumstances, give your own son breasts.

(You probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about for two reasons: 1) You haven’t been watching “Nip/Tuck” this year or 2.) You’ve been watching, but I waited SO long to write about “Alexis Stone II” that you simply forgot what happened in this episode. Reason #2 is on me – I actually thought I’d already written this recap up until a few days ago.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah – you should NEVER give your own son breasts. You just can’t do it. This is something I feel very passionate about. I’d even be willing to film a (fake) public service announcement to get the message out.

I don’t even care if it’s a matter of life and death, as it was in this episode when Matt begged Christian to give him breast implants to save his life. It turns out Matt isn’t quite womanly enough for his brutally abusive new cellmate and the intimidating fellow tried to force Christian to give Matt breast implants. (Because that TOTALLY makes it less gay!)

Look, I’m not saying that I’d let my theoretical/nonexistent son die. It’s just that if I were a hot shot plastic surgeon, I’d probably get one of my plastic surgeon contacts to perform the operation. There just isn’t any way I would be the one to give my son breasts. Let’s think this through for a minute. You give your son breasts so that he (maybe) doesn’t get brutalized anymore. There’s just one small problem. Well, two actually – YOUR SON NOW HAS BREASTS.

Kudos to “Nip/Tuck” for the absolutely disturbing fantasy sequence in which Christian imagined that he’d performed the operation. Even more kudos to the writers for finally having Matt stand up for himself! The guy doesn’t need any more problems, so I hope the warden considers the death of his sadistic cellmate an act of self-defense and not murder.

Unfortunately, I have to take kudos away from the writers for bringing back indecisive, gender-bending Alexis Stone for a second consecutive episode. I get that she was there to parallel Matt’s story and show that our anatomy doesn’t necessarily make us who we are, but her/his appearance was mostly pointless and boring. If they were going to bring back an outrageous character from a previous episode, bring back Jenny Juggs or the serial killer who murdered Teddy or anyone else who’s actually interesting.

Still, this episode is mostly a winner for finally – after 5 1/2 seasons – having whiny wet blanket Julia DO something unequivocally awesome! (Of course, it also happened to be highly illegal.)

Things didn’t look encouraging at the start of the episode. To present a united front against Julia’s mom Erica, Sean and Julia went house-shopping and (predictably) fell into bed together. These two have gone back and forth so much (and Julia has been so annoying), that I honestly don’t even want to waste time wondering if I want them to be together or not. It was during a post-coital conversation that Sean revealed his master plan – he’d plant cocaine(!?) on Erica’s new hubby Renaldo and get control of Annie back. Julia thought it was absurd, went in the bathroom, closed the door and flushed the drugs – or so we (or at least I) thought.

Ah, Renaldo. We knew there had to be something off about this guy since he married a woman who looked like his grandmother. (Don’t get me wrong, I think Vanessa Redgrave is kinda sexy, but still…) Although, Erica is a brilliant psychologist, I’m willing to buy that her thirst to recapture her youth blinded her to the fact that Renaldo is a pedophile.

Although this twist was appropriately disgusting, it was a bit random. I mean, what was Renaldo’s plan? To marry a MUCH older woman so he could hit on her granddaughter? All I know is that the scene in which Renaldo was photographing Annie featured “Goodbye Horses”, aka the song Buffalo Bill danced to in “The Silence of the Lambs.” In other words, this guy was clearly up to no good. Another thing I know – Vanessa Redgrave can make a line like “I found him with her underpants, ejaculating” sound elegant. Damn she’s good!

She’s so good that it was great to finally see real-life daughter Joely Richardson rise to the challenge on this show. After a kiss-off scene that would’ve been terribly cruel if it hadn’t been absolutely deserved, Erica went to the airport to skip town. The only problem is that Julia had planted the bag of cocaine in her bag, so I’m guessing Erica’s flight is going to be delayed. If this is the last we see of Erica, it was a pretty sweet comeuppance for a wickedly bitchy character AND a terrific triumph for Julia.

VERY well played.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you even remember any of this stuff happening? Since Kimber dumped him and he's left McNamara/Troy, is this the last we've seen of Mike? Does "The Silence of the Lambs" ever get old? Finally, are there any circumstances in which you can imagine giving your own son breasts? (If so, what, exactly, is wrong with you?)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Mommie (Not-so) Dearest

I don’t know about you, but I kina LOVE it when Shakespearean-trained British actors take on material that some might consider beneath them and class the joint up.

For example, I love that Ian McKellen walks around the X-Men movies wearing a cape and performs the role as if he were doing King Lear. It’s not so much that they elevate the material, it’s more that they bring the same fervor to junk that that they do to the stage, and I love them for that. (Also, see: the adult cast of the “Harry Potter” movies.)

“Nip/Tuck” got its own touch of class last Wednesday (sorry for the late recap) when Vanessa Redgrave reprised her role as Dr. Erica Naughton, Julia’s controlling mom and Sean’s erstwhile nemesis. I didn’t even realize that the show had really been missing a delicious villain until Redgrave/Erica showed up.

We caught up with her as she consulted Sean following his sorta-suicide attempt by long distance swim. I thought Sean had been pulling a Don Draper in the season 2 episode right before Don came home from California, but Erica got him to admit that he had initially tried to kill himself.

It didn’t take long for Erica to leave Sean stuck in a psychiatric hospital (where he had to be bailed out by Christian) and plotting on taking custody of Annie and Connor from Sean and Julia. In the space of the hour, she had convinced Matt to serve as a witness on her behalf and had fooled Sean into taking a swing at her new boy toy (played by Gilles Marini) to give her leverage.

I suppose the writers want us to think that Erica is trying to steal Julia’s life, but to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really need a reason. Redgrave was so commanding and delightfully devious that I would’ve been perfectly happy if it turned out that she wanted Annie and Connor just because she was bored.

The only downside is the fact that Redgrave’s awesomeness only enhances what an absolute snoozer Julia (played by Redgrave’s real-life daughter Joely Richardson) is. Having your mom come on your show and absolutely school you can’t be that fun. Then again, I’m sure the tables will soon be turned on Erica, especially given the fact that we still don’t know what her young hubby’s motivations are.

The other two subplots belonged to Christian and were sort of a mixed bag.

I know a lot of people were are probably rolling their eyes now that it looks like Kimber is going to come back to Christian after being engaged to Mike for a very brief (sickeningly sweet?) period of time. However, I agree with what Sean said a few episodes ago – Christian and Kimber are mirror images of each other. They’ll always be drawn to one another no matter what. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing for the characters remains to be seen (hint: it’s bad), but it feels genuine because that’s simply the way it is – these two will never get over each other.

Finally, I’m not saying that actor/actress Candis Cayne doesn’t make for a convincing woman. Hell, my “Crying Game” alarms didn’t start going off until barmaid Alexis Stone insisted Christian have anal sex with her. (If this were real life, then it could have just been that she enjoys anal sex, but since this is a TV show there HAD to be a reason and that was a clue.)

It’s just that hasn’t this show done the transsexual thing before (and better)? Did we really need what appears to be a one-off storyline where a character debates what gender identity really means? Mostly this storyline just made me miss Famke Janssen’s Ava Moore. Also, Alexis looks 1,000% more attractive as a woman.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s Erica’s husband up to? How will Sean and Julia strike back? Finally, could this show possibly end with Christian and Kimber together?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Tough Love

For more than a second there, I actually thought Matt was going to kill himself.

I’ve covered the many ways “Nip/Tuck” has gone off the rails in its last season (I swear I mean that as a compliment). So I don’t think it would’ve been completely out of the question to have one of the show’s original characters off himself rather than go to jail.

Christian didn’t have a whole lot of screen time in this episode, but most of his scenes were dedicated to his quest to give Matt some tough love.

He’d helped fix Matt up after the erstwhile mime had gotten himself shot trying to rob a convenience store. Enter one of primetime TV’s dampest wet blankets, Julia McNamara. (No offense to Joely Richardson, but Julia DEFINITELY became more of a drag over the years than she was initially.)

Sean — in a trance following the disappearance of his wife and after narrowly escaping death — wasn’t interested in sending Matt to prison. Christian eventually convinced Julia that a prison sentence might be the only thing that could help Matt. And considering how consistently horrible Matt’s life has been, I think he might be better off in prison.

If nothing else, Matt’s had a prison sentence coming from a long time considering that he’s made crystal meth, been involved in a hit-and-run, and was involved in the murder of his ex-girlfriend’s bigoted father. And that’s just the stuff I thought of off the top of my head!

Overhearing Christian’s plans, Matt ditched the hospital bed and tried to pick up some of his leftover miming money before he was busted by Sean. This led to the most touching scene in the episode. (Nicely played by both actors.) Sean lamented not being a better father, but Matt manned up and took responsibility for being a screw up. The two hugged and Sean let him go.

Matt stopped by to say goodbye to Jenna, and Kimber improbably asked to come along to Mexico. I felt stupid not guessing that Christian had put her up to it — especially after that scene from the previews with Matt and Christian in the same car — but it was a nice twist nonetheless. Matt threatened to shoot Christian and ran away again, until his wound started bleeding profusely. He appeared to reach for his gun, which is when I became convinced he was going to end it.

Instead, he called Sean who came over to fix him. Unfortunately for Matt, Sean also brought half of the California state troopers with him, leading to his arrest. I’m interested to see what they do with Matt for the rest of the series run. I don’t see how he avoids a jail sentence, but does that mean the rest of his scenes are going to have him handcuffed in some depressing interrogation room?

Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, since a dank room in a prison gave us this episode’s best scene.

Matthew Glave — a.k.a Drew Barrymore’s jerky fiancé from “The Wedding Singer — was arrested for the murder of Teddy Rowe.

If you recall, Teddy had the worst luck in the world last week when she not only failed to kill Sean and his kids, but she also wandered over to a serial killer’s campsite. Glenn Gulia asked to meet with Sean and told him about Teddy’s plans to kill him and his kids. He then asked that Sean thank him for killing his wife (and saving his life) which was fantastically twisted. (And Glave was great!)

Sean understandably attacked him, but got a sucker punch to the gut when the police showed him all of Teddy’s past lives (and all her dead ex-husbands). I was hoping the show would mix in a photo of Katee Sackhoff as Teddy (hey she changed her appearance!) but I suppose they were just never going to acknowledge the jarring change in actresses/personality of the character.

That being said, I was pretty happy with the way they wrapped up the Teddy storyline. Kudos to Rose McGowan and the dozen or so different locations Teddy’s body is probably located.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you into patient of the week Abigail Sullivan? (I thought the “parasitic twin” plot was interesting and appropriately icky for this show, but after “Enigma” and “Jenny Juggs” I’m kind of tired of the surgeries predictably backfiring because the patients can’t cope.) Finally, was Julia out of line when she chided Sean for his poor judgment? (She had a point, but the guy had just barely gotten out alive and his wife was dead – it came off a little cold.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Mime Doesn't Pay

I don’t even know where to start.

How about with the fact that, in its final season, Nip/Tuck is delivering some of the most dementedly entertaining episodes in all of television? (And this is the week AFTER Mario Lopez modeled women’s underwear.)

Yes, the show ceased being a serious drama after the whole Carver debacle, but I’m actually digging the show’s “how crazy can we possible get?” attitude as it winds down. It’s almost as if the show is saying, “You can take your tearful reunions or goodbyes and shove ‘em — we’re going to show you a woman who can smash a pumpkin with her breasts!”

That’d be Jenny Juggs, the latest employee at Christian’s favored strip club. (Any guesses on how high his tab there was?) After Christian got a bit handsy with Jenny she beat him up with her gloriously absurd size G breasts (they looked like double Zs to me). Remarkably, this is only Christian’s second most embarrassing injury in the show’s run — I still stay having his nose broken after a woman he was giving oral sex to sneezed is worse. Then again, that’s probably because (like Sean) I couldn’t take Christian’s injury — with his black eye and neck brace — seriously.

Since Jenny was played by Kiersten Warren (nutcase Nora on “Desperate Housewives”) she was a complete psycho. Sean and Christian thought she was scary when she smashed that pumpkin in her YouTube video, but I say destroying the phone at the McNamara/Troy reception office was even worse/better. She begged Christian for a breast reduction, but I think we all knew she’d flip out once her most memorable assets were gone. Still, I hope Jenny makes at least one more appearance before the show signs off for good. (This show is pretty good about bringing back memorable guest stars.) She definitely left an impression.

Matt (pictured, right) has apparently left an impression on his robbery victims. I don’t know why, but I found it amusing when that Asian shop lady said, “You’re that mime that’s been robbing people!” as if Los Angeles is crawling with mimes and Matt just happens to be the one that’s robbing people. (The lineup and each mime’s interpretation of a gun was another highlight.)

As I’ve said before, I’m thoroughly enjoying this subplot against all odds. Christian and Sean almost busted Matt when they tried to see him perform and heard about the famed mime robber. Although, it should still be pretty clear that Matt is NOT bringing in thousands of dollars just from miming, the show did a nice job of having Matt bluff and cast doubt in Sean and Christian’s minds. Of course, all that doubt will probably go away now that Matt showed up at Christian’s place with a hole in his stomach, but it was definitely fun while it lasted.

This episode was so good that I even completely enjoyed Rose McGowan’s Teddy for the first time!

After a little back and forth with a bratty Annie — we know that Teddy wants to kill them, but Annie doesn’t, so the attitude is actually mostly uncalled for — Teddy suggested Sean, Annie and Conor (80% less claw-y) go on a camping trip. (Great job by McGowan in this episode in turning up the sweet/creepy.)

During the trip, Teddy drugged Sean, Conor and (or so she thought) Annie and tried to poison them while they slept with carbon monoxide. Unfortunately for her, the episode had a twist straight out of Jeffrey Deaver’s “Twisted” collection of short stories (check it out!).

As soon as she ran encountered the loner, astronomy aficionado, I told my girlfriend Erica that the dude was giving off a serial killer-y vibe. Indeed, he tried to knock her out, but Teddy ran back to Sean’s camper for safety, but he had left with his kids. At first, I thought Teddy might be able to pin the attempted murder of Sean and his family on the guy, but Teddy’s character had no such luck.

Now Sean pretty much figures his wife tried to kill him and Teddy will probably be discovered in several different pieces. (Oh well, serves her right!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think we’ll see Teddy again? (Alive?) Do you feel that the show has gotten TOO crazy? Finally, are you looking forward to the return of Julia?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Cross(dressing) the line

Only on “Nip/Tuck” could an hour featuring Mario Lopez dressed in leather women’s underwear be considered the second-weirdest episode of the season. (This just in: we’re only three episodes in!)

Yet that’s exactly where we were, with Dr. Mike Hamoui following Christina’s advice and dressing up for his new girlfriend Kimber.

In an otherwise predictable hour, the one twist was that Kimber was actually into it and Christian’s prank backfired. Well, she wasn’t as much into the lingerie as she was into the idea that the seemingly-perfect Dr. Mike is insecure and loco enough to actually go through with something like that. (Apparently, he’s now a regular on Crossdressers.com.)

Once again, it seems like Mario Lopez’s insufferably douche-y character — undermining Christian in his own office during a consult WAS low — is leading a charmed life, but this is “Nip/Tuck.” We just KNOW something horrible is going to happen to him, right?!

It appears as if something horrible might soon happen to Annie, who appeared to be in her rebellious, “I hate everything” teenager phase. (My, how little Kelsey Lynn Batelaan has grown.) Annie came out west for a visit and rudely refused to remove her hat. It turns out she had good reason. Annie’s been ripping out her hair and eating it, resulting in the yuckiest moment of the episode for me (yes, even yuckier than the leeches) — Sean removing that slimy hairball during surgery.

Unfortunately, she’s not completely out of danger. She and/or Connor may turn out to be Teddy’s next victims.

Sean (who appears to be sleeping perfectly well now) and Teddy announced to the rest of the staff that they had eloped (I didn’t fully get Christian’s cranky reaction, but I loved the fact that he re-gifted he and Liz’s gifts.) Of course, we all know Teddy has her eyes on Sean’s $5 million life insurance policy.

I’m still having major troubles with Teddy this season. With Rose McGowan on board this year, they seemed to change her from a completely unstable chick to a more conventional character that really cared for Sean. Then, after Sean dumped her, she’s all of a sudden a crazed killer again who’s also money hungry? Whatever. I suppose I’ll take crazy Teddy over boring Teddy, not matter how little sense it makes.

It was pretty clear that plastic surgery addict Briggitte Reinhold — a sort of European Mrs. Grubman — was a goner as soon as she recognized Teddy from her Vegas days. Was Teddy wearing that creepy “Woman” mask creepy? Yes. Was it necessary? Not really, but I’m kind of ok with that. Thanks to Teddy we got our first death by leech in “Nip/Tuck” history.

Sean and Christian had made the mask for a male transsexual who wanted a woman mask to wear when he was in his female guise, whose name was Modesty. I suppose that’s why we never saw the end result. I was really curious to see if it actually looked believable or if we had another Buffalo Bill on our hands. (“I’d f--- me. I’d f--- me hard.”)

Drs. McNamara and Troy also had my favorite moment of the episode. Since Sean is an idiot so often, I liked the clarity with which he stated what we all know: Sean and Kimber are mirror images of each other. It probably won't be long before we see those two together again.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Teddy get to kill either Annie or Connor? Will Liz figure things out first? How said is it that Matt’s mime/robber career is probably his best idea yet? Finally, are you looking forward to the return of Julia? (I weirdly miss the cracks in Joely Richardson’s “American” accent.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Sleep Disorder

After what was probably an overly-jokey season premiere (whatever, I kinda loved the infomercial), “Nip/Tuck” came back with its darkest hour in recent memory.

This downer of an episode was like a cross between “Fight Club” and, well, early “Nip/Tuck” before the show’s outrageousness became a parody of itself.

That’s not to say there wasn’t a laugh or two to go around (Christian whining, “I want my goddamned Yoplait!”) but this episode had both feet firmly, drearily and unsettlingly planted in the dark side – and I was digging it.

The tone worked because it probably reflected the hopeless bleakness Sean was feeling from his lack of sleep. Turns out he took too many sleeping pills at the end of the last episode and had to be revived by Christian and Teddy, who both scolded him. Christian then turned his ire to Teddy for being so clueless about Sean’s financial and personal stresses.

Eventually, Sean and Teddy broke off their engagement. When Teddy picked up her ring in Sean’s office, she spied his life insurance form. Apparently, Sean is worth $5 million dead and Teddy became interesting for the first time since Rose McGowan began playing her. If you remember last season – I didn’t since I had to go back and ready my own recap – Teddy killed a doctor in Las Vegas while living a double life there. From the previews, it appears that she’ll marry Sean and try to off her second doc (that we know of). I’m still not buying the McGowan for Katee Sackoff switch, but at least they’re doing SOMETHING with this character.

That being said, the MVP of this episode was guest star Amy Price-Francis as Sean’s scary insomnia buddy. He met her at a dinner and soon she was letting him slide into third base in the middle of an ER waiting room while she wallowed in other people’s misery. She was also at the hospital so she could stab herself with a fork and score free painkillers and sleep. When it was Sean’s turn to take cutlery to a limb, he came to his senses, so Vivian stabbed him in the leg. Sean scored the drugs, but (in a rare moment of clarity) left them at the hospital.

Price-Francis was absolutely extraordinary as Vivian. I felt like I was going to catch an STD just watching her on TV. (I swear that I mean that as a compliment.) All of the Sean/Vivian scenes had a transfixing creepiness to them that this show (or any other) hadn’t achieved in a long time.
Not too far behind was the patient of the week, a troubled teen who insisted people call him Enigma (pictured, right). He had lots of freaky scars and tattoos on his body that reflected the darkness inside. His parents brought him to McNamara/Troy to have them removed. I think we could all guess where this storyline was headed, even after “Jared” claimed there was a lightness in him, but his eventual murder-suicide was still affecting.

It certainly left a mark on Liz, who decided to drop her lawsuit against Christian. She saw what happens when a person lives in the darkness too long.

Earlier, she’d had a tense (and terrific) face off with Kimber. She scolded her for going back to Christian, insisting that there was no goodness in him, not matter how badly both women wanted there to be. I actually felt for both women in this argument. Kimber is simply too weak (and dumb?) to resist Christian whenever he comes calling (that almost sex scene was the hotness, no?) Liz is mad at herself because she’s smarter, should know better and STILL fell for it.

Speaking of people who are smart, I posed the question (is there any goodness in Christian?) to my girlfriend Erica and she came up with what I believe is the exact right answer: “Not towards women.” It’s easy to understand Liz’s anger toward Christian, but we’ve seen too many instances of Christian being protective toward Sean (including in this episode) before (sadly) ultimately sabotaging himself. He also ABSOLUTELY loves Wilbur. (There’s also a lot of goodness in Erica for having the patience to answer hypothetical questions involving fictional characters.)

Even with the lawsuit gone, Christian did not have a good week. He’d recruited Kim, aka “Orange Face”, to create a mold of his penis to sell as a sex toy. Unfortunately, Dr. Mike Hamoui swooped in and stole his thunder with his own urinal-splashing member (and probably snatched up Kimber in the process). Sure, Christian is down now, but it’s pretty obvious the show is setting Mike up for a MAJOR fall, right?

So what’d you think of this episode? Any chance we see Vivian again? Can Christian and Liz be friends again? (And should they be?) Finally, which relationship will last longer - Mike/Kimber or Sean/Teddy’s marriage?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Be Like Mike

Even the boys at McNamara/Troy are not immune to the crappy economy.

Say it ain’t so!

“Nip/Tuck” kicked off the first half of its sixth season last week (I promise I’ll try to do a better job of writing a timely(er) recap in case anyone cares) with the voice of Oscar winner Linda Hunt snarkily detailing how Sean and Christian are now pinching pennies. (My girlfriend said the narration reminded her of a twisted version of the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” cartoon and I don’t disagree at all.)

Business is decidedly not booming for McNamara/Troy. On top of that, Sean is dealing with expenses related to his ex-wife, kids and new girlfriend Teddy. Yes, I realize Sean actually started dating Teddy toward the end of last season, but seeing as how the show replaced Katee Sackhoff with Rose McGowan without a hint of an explanation, I’m referring to her as his “new” girlfriend. Also gone is the edgy Teddy Sackhoff portrayed, only to be replaced by a disappointingly-bland (so far) McGowan. I know this isn’t the first time a show has recast a role, but, given the show’s plastic surgery subject matter, they could’ve simply said Teddy had to undergo extensive surgery at some point. Oh well.

Meanwhile, last season’s cliffhanger — Christian finding out his cancer was in remission AFTER he married Liz — was tied up almost immediately. The couple quickly broke up after they returned from their honeymoon. I actually sort of followed Christian’s logic that it was for the best since he’d inevitably cheat on her, but Liz didn’t care. She hired a shark of a divorce attorney (played by Barry Bostwick of “Spin City”), while Christian hired Newman (guest star Wayne Knight). Liz is determined to take half of everything Christian owns (including 100% of his boat) as payback for all the women he’s hurt. Once again, I can definitely see where she’s coming from, and Roma Maffia gave another strong performance in the premiere.

I just wasn’t sure I wanted to see our real-life economic problems reflected in “Nip/Tuck”, a show I watch purely for escapist entertainment, given that it stopped being a serious show around season 3. On top of that, as downright deplorable as Sean and Christian’s behavior has been at times, they’re still our boys and I don’t really want to see them down and out for too long. (Where’s the fun in that?) At least the show is dealing with these issues with its trademark weirdness and outrageousness.

I know Mario Lopez gets a lot of flak for being kind of a douche, but I think he did a magnificent job reprising his role as the douche-y Dr. Mike Hamoui (pictured, right). I loved his slo-mo entrance with a girl on each arm before inviting Sean and Christian to a party on his boat. (If the show had used “I’m on a Boat” here, I might’ve fallen off my couch laughing.) Before, he seemed to aspire to be the next Christian Troy, now Dr. Hamoui is thriving on his own in Los Angeles. Sean and Christian quickly invited him (and his eager customers) into the McNamara/Troy fold.

It wasn’t long before Sean and Christian realized the reason Mike was so successful was because he was selling one of the few recession-proof commodities. He was selling sex, both in the form of vaginal rejuvenations and in the strongly implied sexy-time with his patients.

Pretty soon, Sean and Christian enlisted Kimber and jumped on the vaginal rejuvenation bandwagon. As soon as Kimber was on board, I assumed they’d be working on some of Kimber’s former porn star peers, but instead they co-starred in a legendarily cheesy infomercial with Mike (including freeze-frame high five) that resulted in a lone male customer who wanted to look more like Mike (and less like Sean and Christian). Honestly, if you took a shot every time Mario Lopez showed his abs, you could’ve had a decent drinking game on your hands.

Elsewhere, it turns out that Matt is a lot more interesting when he doesn’t talk. I had about the same reaction as Sean and Christian did when Matt told them he wanted to be a mime, but I actually thought that sequence at the beach was very effective (in its own bizarre way). We’ll see, if Matt continues to moonlight as an armed robber, but this foray into miming is (sadly) one of the more enjoyable Matt-related storylines in recent memory. (Props to John Hensley.)

Overall I liked the premiere. As I mentioned before, this stopped being a serious show a long time ago, but I still enjoy it. That being said, I’m glad we're approaching the final season. It makes sense that Sean and Christian are getting a little comeuppance after all these years, but I’m still hoping the show will go out with a bang without pissing off loyal fans. (See: the last season of “Oz”, where the writers basically decided to kill off a bunch of fan favorites just because it was the end.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Where does Liz’s blind lawyer asking Christian to masturbate in front of him rank on the show’s all-time weird scale? (Top 10, right?!) Is it ok to admit that you enjoy Mario Lopez on this show? Finally, when will Sean wake up from his sleeping pill coma?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: No Can(cer) Do

I’ll give the writers of this show credit.

Despite blatantly (cheaply?) bailing out on one of its most provocative storylines (the impending death of one of its major characters), I’m not really all that pissed off. Not only that, but I’m REALLY looking forward to seeing what happens from here on out.

All this time we’ve been wondering how the scribes were going to write themselves out of the “Christian is dying” corner, and the whole “your lab results got switched” solution was not exactly very artful.

However, the shocked/pained look on Christian’s face (great job by Julian McMahon) as he was about to head out on his honeymoon with Liz and Wibur was brilliant. The game is now on to see how long before his marriage to Liz collapses, right?

This all followed an episode where Christian learned to let go of his false hope for immortality and had finally seemed ready to settle in and end his life as happily as he could with his new wife.

It wasn’t easy, since Kimber was back raising hell after being kicked out of her house (and bed) by Ram and Eden (AnnaLynne McCord back again from the “90210” for a quick scene). I’m actually surprised Eden hadn’t worked her evil charms on Ram sooner and convinced him that Kimber was washed up.

I thought this was the perfect opportunity to show Kimber in a more sympathetic light. However, the writers continued their mission to keep her as a raging bitch as she dumped her baby on Matt (who pathetically tried to hit on her anyway) and decided to try to break up Christian and Liz’s wedding after finding about the nuptials from Matt. Fortunately, Liz is considerably less pathetic than Matt, saw that Kimber just wanted to get a nice apartment and a nice chunk of inheritance money and handled Kimber very well. However, the wedding scene where Kimber stood up and simply walked out seemed to indicate she was genuinely hurt and still really loves Christian.

I wasn’t really loving the patients of the week. I get that the patients often parallel what the doctors are feeling and the bloodsuckers represented a form of immortality for Christian. However, they were mostly just tedious and stupid. They were actually some of the least interesting vampires I’ve ever seen. Christian thought so too, throwing them a bag of blood and sending them on their way.

I was actually more amused by Christian’s scheme to have himself cryogenically frozen. He was met the way he should have — by laughs from Sean, Liz and Matt. It was even better when he found out the reality wasn’t as sleek or stylish as he’d described it. I can’t blame the guy. I wouldn’t want a roommate in my coffin or urn, so why should Christian have one in his ice chamber.

Meanwhile, we got a little more insight into why Teddy is as crazy as she is. Actually, no we didn’t — we just got a bunch of scenes of her acting crazy for no good reason.

She’s been living a double life as a wigged anesthesiologist in Las Vegas, which is where she apparently picked up her little nitrous oxide habit. I guess that habit may be the reason she’s insane since she suffocated the (grosser) Vegas doctor. Will Sean (who may be developing a taste for the gas himself) be next? I wish I were interested enough in this crazy-for-no-reason character to answer my own question.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who do you think is the real love of Christian’s life? Liz or Kimber? (Since it’s obviously not Julia.) Was I the only one who didn’t realize how soon the wedding was going to be? Didn’t the guy vampire kinda look like Daughtry? How fast should Christian sue his stupid doctor? Finally, do you think this was a satisfying season finale? (I didn't even realize it was the season finale until today. As an episode it was ok. As a finale it was pretty meh.)