Desperate Housewives: Handy Man-ipulative

“This episode is kind of stupid.”

Sometimes my girlfriend Erica sums thinks up more accurately and succinctly than I can ever hope to. The aforementioned quote is related to her thoughts on “Desperate Housewives” 100th episode, which followed the death of the heretofore unseen handyman Eli Scruggs (pictured, left). The landmark episode was heavy on flashbacks as each of the main characters (sorry Katherine) remembered how Eli had touched their lives.

Erica simply stood up, walked to her computer and started playing games. I, on the other hand, sat through the entire miserably, manipulative hour because I’m a TV masochist that way. In case, I’m not being clear, let me put it this way: outside of the terrible second season, this was the WORST episode of “Desperate Housewives” I’ve seen, which is pretty funny because a quick scan online reveals that people actually think this is the BEST episode of the series. (Then again, maybe I’m just cranky because I sliced my lip open Friday morning and I have 10 stitches in.)

With this being the 100th episode, I can certainly understand the desire from the writers to put a hold on advancing current storylines in favor of looking back at some of the ladies’ origins. Hell, I enjoy watching the housewives’ ever-changing hairstyles and Mary Alice’s yearly on-screen appearances as much as the next “DH” fan. However, my main problem with this episode can, once again, be summed up by Erica.

“If this guy was so important, how come we never saw him before?”

I’m fully aware that we have not met every single person who lives on Wisteria Lane these past five years. But you’d think, over the course of 100 episodes, that we’d at least hear about he guy who helped shepherd Bree’s cookbook empire or the guy who saved Lynette’s daughter’s life! (Felicity Huffman WAS excellent in this scene, as usual.) If this were the second or, maybe even, third season, they could get away with introducing such an apparently pivotal character late in the game, but at this point it’s just absurd.

What was even more annoying was the near-saintliness of the Eli character. (I say “near-saintliness” because even that dude isn’t above passing up sex when a desperate housewife throws herself at him.) For some reason, Eli was always at the right place at the exact right time, and always knew exactly what to say. I know “Desperate Housewives” isn’t winning any believability awards any time soon, but this was really stretching out. I was waiting for the reveal at the end that Eli had some sort of magical powers.

The only thing that could’ve possibly made the character more manipulative is if the show had cast a black actor, making Eli one of those prototypical “wise black man” helpers who are always there to help silly white people. Beau Bridges did a decent job as Eli, but couldn’t you just see Bill Cobbs or James Earl Jones playing the same role?

Still, what’s most infuriating about this episode is that we learned almost nothing new about the ladies we’ve grown to know and (mostly) love. It’s ok with me if the show wants to pause and look back at the ladies origins, but these flashbacks better be worth our time. The one true piece of surprising information was that Edie was once married to a gay gym rat named Umberto.

Other than that, what did we “learn”? We learned that Eli was the one who helped inspire Bree to write her cookbook after first husband Rex shot her down. Unfortunately, this (and Rex’s jerky behavior) felt more like it was shoehorned to give Bree a worthy flashback rather than something that happened organically. We also “learned” that Lynette wanted to stop having kids and go back to work (we knew that since the pilot) and we “learned” that Susan becomes a bawling mess when one of her relationships falls apart. (We figured out that Susan can’t be alone just LAST episode!)

The one highlight was Gabby’s flashback, because it’s always fun to see Eva Longoria Parker playing the bitchier/funnier aspects of Gabby’s personality. We caught up with Gabby a month after moving to Wisteria Lane, but still missing big city life and “doing vodka shots with Kate Moss.” Fortunately for her, Eli scored Gabby an invite in the neighborhood’s weekly poker game before Gabby proceeded to trash all of the ladies small-town lives. The best line of the episode was Gabby saying to Mary Alice that she felt like putting a gun to her own head sometimes. Great stuff. Eventually, Eli encouraged Gabby to straighten herself out and she made things right with a basket of muffins.

Unfortunately, this was the episode’s first flashback and everything went downhill from there. Things ended with Eli’s arrival in Wisteria Lane and with Mary Alice generously offering to let Eli fix her vase and giving the handyman much needed work and referrals.

You could say that Mary Alice saved Eli’s life. Unfortunately, he couldn’t return the favor, as we caught up the two moments before her suicide. Eli could sense Mary Alice was troubled, but still left her alone. From that moment on, Eli vowed to lend a helping hand to everyone he came across who was in trouble.

So we’re meant to believe that’s why Eli was such an influential figure in all the flashbacks we’d seen up to that point. The only problem is that the bulk of those flashbacks took place BEFORE Mary Alice’s death, so the whole “Mary Alice inspired Eli to help people” emotional twist doesn’t really work. Neither does having Bree “fix” the flowers on Eli’s casket — you’re blatantly trying to get a tear out of me, and it’s not going to work, writers.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you also conveniently have major arguments in front of your handyman? I know Bree and Rex had a troubled marriage, but was he always such a condescending asshole? Finally, since everyone else is LOVING this episode, go ahead and disagree with me in the comments section.