Hell's Kitchen: Feeling Powerless

“Hell’s Kitchen” returned to our TV’s last night earlier than usual (the show’ usually on in the summer, and I couldn’t be happier).

This is probably my guiltiest pleasure show, which is saying something because I watch a LOT of bad shows. This is a bad show people. It’s a joke of a cooking competition – when I want to watch a serious cooking show, I’ll flip on “Top Chef” for 20 minutes, get bored and then find something else to watch, sorry – and it’s basically extended humiliation porn.

However, I love watching it! I think “Hell’s Kitchen” is one of the top 5 comedies on TV. My feeling is that if you’re stupid enough to audition for this show (especially if you haven’t figured out that you should know how to make risotto, Colleen), you deserve to get yelled at.

So it was with glee that I watched the highlights (or are they lowlights) from previous seasons and hints of what’s to come before we were abruptly dumped into this year’s batch of contestants, which we were told was the best batch of cooks and would give us the most amazing season of “Hell’s Kitchen”. Of course, the bar isn’t exactly very high – in fact, I’m pretty sure we could just step over the bar.

Then again, things actually looked semi-encouraging after each chef made his or her signature dish and Ramsay was actually liking them, throwing out phrases like “delicious” and “perfectly cooked.” Of course, all “Hell” broke loose shortly thereafter and the insanity continued all the way through the dinner service.

Since there were so many people to meet so quickly in this first episode, I’ve decided to give my ridiculously early first impression as to who can actually win this thing and who has no chance.

COULD POSSIBLY ACTUALLY WIN THIS THING

Ben: Scored points with me for representing the audience by barely being able to keep a straight face while Ramsay was tearing into people during the signature dish challenge. Most importantly, he’s pretty much the only guy who appears to have a clue in the kitchen.
Coi: Seems halfway competent, and appears to have a little Ramsay in her after the way she tore into Lacey for not having her prep down. On the flip side she’s more likely than most to have a meltdown.
Carol: Ramsay loved her signature dish, and if the whole “Hell’s Kitchen” thing doesn’t work out, she could potentially have a backup career as a waitress. An 80 percent positive rating is not bad at all.
J: I have no idea how good of a cook he is, but I LOVED that, during elimination, he clarified that Seth was the FIRST candidate for elimination and not the second, as Seth had claimed.
Andrea and Ji: Kept their heads down and mostly exuded an air of competence rarely seen on this show. Must avoid the “too boring for TV” tag Fox places on contestants.

PROBABLY CAN’T WIN

LA: Seems like a cool enough person, but the first thing she told us about herself is that she’s a lesbian (which she felt the need to declare after Ramsay gave her goosebumps). It’s not a good sign if that turns out to be the most interesting thing about her. Also, there’s a chance Fox and this show could be slightly homophobic (see a few paragraphs down regarding the end of the episode).
Giovanni: Sure we didn’t get to see him cook, but we got to see that he’s a whiner (we get it, you’re not a waiter – try to do a good job anyway!) My girlfriend Erica thinks he should have his Italian chef card taken away for not knowing what polenta was (she instantly knew it was cornmeal.)
Charlie: I’m probably just being shallow, but I just can’t see the dude with the tattoos and (formerly elongated) beard running (or pretending to run) one of Ramsay’s restaurants. Then again, I could totally be off since this IS a ridiculously early first impression.
Paula: To be honest I don’t remember a single thing about her, but flying under the radar has its merits.

NO CHANCE TO WIN

Lacey: She dominated the screen time in this episode, first by saying she wanted to prove to people she wasn’t “just another pretty girl trying to be a chef.” Now, I haven’t exactly won any modeling competitions lately, but this statement was still laughable. Does she have reverse funhouse mirrors in her house? To me, she kinda looks like Anne Hathaway in a fat suit. (Is that too mean? Erica thought I was being too mean – to Anne Hathaway!)
Of course, Lacey followed it up by being lazy, quitting, binge eating a hot pocket and being a general pain in the ass. Say hello to season 5’s villain.
Danny: It’s not as much the backwards camouflage hat that make him look like he’d serve you a squirrel as it is the fact that he admittedly is a bit mouthy. If he gets into an argument with Ramsay, he’ll lose.
Robert: Seems like a nice guy, but let’s be real here. He’s on the show to see how creative Ramsay can get with his fat insults. (Sample from last night: the dish is clumsy – like you!)
Colleen: Arguably the biggest train wreck last night. The inexperienced chef/cooking instructor (huh?!) sassed Ramsay about his manners, botched risotto and confused salt for sugar. She’s the contestant most likely to poison a customer.
Seth: Ramsay’s already dubbed him “Forest” and when someone nicknames you after a character who’s probably at least a little mentally challenged it’s not a good thing. The problem is that the name perfectly fits Seth.
Wil: Is the least likely contestant to win ONLY because he was eliminated last night?

Let me explain what I mean. Sure, Wil got flustered in the garnish station, but every other time we saw him, he seemed like a reasonable, hard-working individual who was eager to learn. So, of course, when it came down to the choice between Wil and Seth (who may or may not be a bit mentally handicapped) Ramsay eliminated Wil because – well, I’m not actually sure why the hell he booted Wil.

I’m guessing Wil’s understated and borderline normal demeanor meant he didn’t make for more interesting TV than Seth (this IS humiliation porn after all). All I know is that Erica took the elimination especially hard, vowing to be done with the show after eliminating the “hot gay guy.” Are you with Erica in that you’re done with the show (and that Wil was hot?)

Also, what’d you think of the rest of this premiere? When Ramsay was spitting his food out during the signature dish challenge, there was a garbage can there, right? Was it fair to let the waiters decide the "winner"? (I didn't love it, but what else could they do?) Why did Wil only spell his name with one “L”?What was the deal with the power outage last night? Was it planned? If it was spontaneous why not stop the competition until the power came back instead of forcing the chefs to work around it? (It was kinda the last nail in their coffin.) Finally, who is your favorite and who is your Lacey, I mean, least favorite?