Dancing with the Stars: Taylor-Made For This Show

With "24" and "Heroes" shelved for the rest of the season due to the writers strike, I’d been struggling to find something to watch (and write about) on Monday nights.

Then again, if both those shows were on, I’d probably be complaining about having to write two different recaps on two shows that are on at the same time because I’d be up late to watching each episode and not getting enough sleep.

Anyway, last night it was "Dancing with the Stars" to the rescue! Since I only have to write one recap for a Monday night show, I get to focus all my attention on this cheesefest, which had, in my opinion, the most promising cast going into a season. And by "most promising", I mean this is the most number of people I’ve actually heard of before they participated on this show. I knew each celeb except for one (sorry, Cristian).

I hate to do this so early on and kill any suspense there may be, but Jason Taylor (pictured, right) is going to win this whole thing. I’ve never been surer of any other dancing celebrity. This show has clearly established that no woman can win — by the way, if Mel B. (who was back to fondle Tom Bergeron last night) didn’t win last year, that means NO WOMAN CAN WIN — and even when they do, they make them participate in a b.s. rematch (see Monaco, Kelly). He also appears to have the natural ability to win, but isn’t SO good and polished that people will question whether he belongs in the competition (see Mario and Bryan, Sabrina). Oh yeah, he’s also hot enough to draw comments about his looks from both partner Edyta and Len.

Taylor was probably the biggest question mark for me going on (other than how the hell Marlee Matlin is going to hear the music) and he delivered a crisp, elegant fox trot that was probably my favorite performance of the evening. It certainly had my favorite move of the night — the bit in the beginning where Edyta made like she was going to put her heel on his chest, but instead fell over and let Jason catch her. Hopefully, he’ll get over whatever hang ups he has about being an active player in the NFL and a future "Dancing with the Stars" champion.

Ok, ok, so maybe I’m getting ahead of myself handing the hideous crystal ball trophy to Jason. After all, Mario is the best male dancer and, unlike previous dubiously overqualified contestants, seemed genuinely happy to be there. It probably had something to do with his obvious crush on partner Karina Smirnoff (who somehow recovered from neck surgery in time to participate. He also won the award for best outfit, emblazoning the back of his shirt with his call-in vote number in sequins. Oh yeah, his cha cha cha was also creative, fun and heavy on interaction with his partner (who struck gold again with another talented "Mario" for a partner).

If there’s a dark horse, it would probably be Cristian de la Fuente. Apparently, Chile is the only Latin American country whose inhabitants can’t naturally shake their hips. Cristian seemed to solve that problem during his cha cha cha, but was slammed for his bad posture by the judges. Fortunately, that’s a fixable problem, but he’s going to have to step up his game if he wants to vie for the "hot guy" vote with Jason and Mario. He’s got Cheryl Burke as a partner, so I wouldn’t count him out, especially if they decide to "bang" each other, as Bruno suggested.

Not vying for the "hot guy" vote are Steve Guttenberg and Penn Jillette — they’re going for the "older guy" vote, and Guttenberg definitely has the edge after the first night.

Although I did a second (and third take) when Tom referred to him as "one of the biggest box office stars of the last 20 years" (really, is it Ford, Cruise, Hanks, Guttenberg?!), Guttenberg was impossible not to like last night. He’s seriously challenging Jane Seymour as the "most happy to be here" contestant in the show’s history. He’s SO nice. Sure, his fox trot, was a little sleepy, but I was impressed by the elevation he got on that jumping heel click move and I’m curious to see what he’d do with a Latin dance. I think he and partner Anna Trebunskaya (SO fun to say) will be around next week for me to find out. Finally, in a weird coincidence, last night Guttenberg reminded both me and Erica of Dylan Walsh on "Nip/Tuck."

Then there’s Penn, who went to the Billy Ray Cyrus School of Stomping for his first dance. Partner Kym "Boobs" Johnson smartly choreographed a fun cha cha cha that was heavy on gimmicks (disco poses, floor dives) and light on, well, cha cha cha. Still, it’s probably not a great sign that the best part of the routine was the bouquet of flowers he produced at the end (THAT was cool). Also, while I understand he’s trying to be funny, he could probably stand to talk back a little less to and stop interrupting the judges.

Speaking of talking back to the judges, there’s Adam Corolla, who came in with the evening’s lowest score (15). I actually didn’t think he was THAT bad (Penn was worse), just incredibly uneven. He certainly showed glimpses of potential, as Carrie Ann pointed out. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to stop him from calling her a bitch after she gave him a five (which turned out to be the same score he got from the rest of the judges). It’s probably bad that I thought that was kinda funny.

Adam is an even surer bet to go home next week (no one’s being eliminated this week before next week’s double ouster) than Jason is a sure bet to win. While I understand he’s got a self-deprecating sense of humor — I loved him telling Julianne that she’ll be able to promote her country CD early and apologized for breaking her winning streak — but he whines too damn much. Also, I don’t see his (bad) attitude winning over any new fans to vote for him.

So what’d you think of the first episode? Do you really think that the first time the dancers find out who their partner is when they walk into that rehearsal studio? Who do you think is going home? Finally, which female celebrity are you looking forward to seeing most tonight? (Too bad none of them can win.)