America's Next Top Recap: Quick thoughts before the season finale

I didn’t get around to watching last week’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” until Tuesday night.

In case anyone cares — unlikely, given how simultaneously off-putting, depressing and boring this season has been — I wanted to sneak my thoughts on the Hobbit-friendly hour before Wednesday night’s two-hour season finale.

- Krista deserves to win.

She’s dominated the weekly challenges and she’s been even better at the photo shoots. The only thing I could see tripping her up before the finals is her Cover Girl commercial and print campaign, since she’s not as conventionally beautiful as the other girls. (Then again, this episode hammered home the point that “commercial” is a dirty word on this show so that shouldn’t be an issue, right.)

Like my feelings toward much of this season, the fact that Krista is the CLEAR frontrunner doesn’t really matter to me. I like that she seems intelligent and (relatively) reasonable, but she’s not exactly a super charismatic, entertaining or plain weird (like last cycle’s winner Nicole) personality that makes people want to root for her.

In fact, my favorite thing about Krista is that her dominance is REALLY pissing Angelea off.

- For someone who claims to be so tough (surviving the mean streets of East Buffalo) and smart, Angelea has a very limited vocabulary. The day when she’s eliminated and I don’t have to listen to her refer to her competitor as “bitches” again will be a happy day indeed.

Also, a major “Boo!” for being able to dish out the verbal abuse to everyone in her path, but not being able to take Krista and Alexandra’s impersonation of her bizarre “club walk.”

- I’m getting this uncomfortable Jaslene vibe from Angelea. You know — the grating, vaguely-mannish contestant who somehow ends up actually winning? Ugh.

- Sorry, Jaslene…that was harsh.

- I realize this show is on the CW (and therefore doesn’t have the largest budget/amount of prestige in the world), but when they were looking for someone connected to “Lord of the Rings”, couldn’t they do better than Sarah McLeod? I’m a pop-culture nerd, so I know who actors and actresses are — I had NO idea who this person was! They couldn’t get the guy who played Pippin or something? Yikes!

- If Raina saying “Oh Mylanta” is so annoying, how come we’re only just hearing about it now? This combined with her relatively weak showing at panel makes me think the former front-runner is being set up for a fall.

- It’s probably bad that I didn’t think Jessica was THAT stupid for trying to toast those tacos by putting them over a toaster. (It’s certainly not stupider than her thinking New Zealand was above Canada.)

- Maybe it was just me making dinner at the same time this episode was on, but I think Tyra and the producers need to step up their imagination when coming up with these photo shoot concepts. I honestly don’t remember a single shot or moment from the cramped Hobbit shoot (other than Alexandra busting out a pinup pose). I have slightly better recollection of Tyra’s Shadow shoot, but the most compelling issue from this sequence came when Raina was asked to pose in her underwear while everyone else was fully dressed. (Huh?! Why?!)

- Jessica may have been sent home, but the 18-year-old can take comfort in the fact that she and her uber-commercial face will probably make more money as a model than eventual winner Krista.

- Seriously though, could this season have been any suckier? It’s so uninteresting that I’m pretty sure my girlfriend Erica Facebooked her way through the elimination even though it was occurring on our TV five feet away from her.

The bottom line — no one cares about any of these people. The only way things could get worse is if Angelea manages to win. (Shudder!)

So what’d you think of this episode, bitches? Who do you see in the finals? (I’m thinking it’ll be Krista and Alexandra?) Who do you want to win, and who do you think will win? (I kind of want Raina to win, but it’s going to be Krista.)

American Idol: Movie Night is a Flop

As if we needed more proof that none of these people are really viable, dynamic or relevant solo artists in 2010, much less music superstars-in-the-making (and, yes, that includes you Ms. Bowersox)…

The only performances in the latest Songs of the Cinema week on “American Idol” that didn’t give me the itch to check my Facebook or make me want to go wash dishes were the Crystal-Lee and Michael-Casey duets.

I mean, even the insanity of Jamie Foxx (getting in Lee DeWyze’s face the same way he did with Danny Gokey) didn’t really faze me. That’s probably because he had already been a guest mentor WAY back in 2009’s Rat Pack Week — not to be confused with this year’s Frank Sinatra Week. Ugh! Maybe next week the top 3 will sing Songs from Frank Sinatra Movies. I wouldn’t be surprised — this season has THAT little imagination.

Lee opened the show with “Kiss From a Rose”, which was completely wrong with his voice. At least, he didn’t adapt the song at all to suit his familiar musical style and sensibility. Oh wait. The result was a karaoke performance in which he struggled to stay on pitch. Oh well, at least the ending was kinda pretty.

When Ryan teased that Big Michael Lynche would take on a Michael Jackson song, I figured it’d either be “Ben” or The “Free Wily” song. (Like anybody knows it’s actually called “Will You Be There.”) Let’s just say I wasn’t exactly shocked to learn it was the latter.

It was like almost every other Big Mike performance — exceedingly competent (even if he started too low), mildly entertaining at best, and ever-so-slightly outdated. The rest of the segment was spent on trying to explain to Simon what “Free Wily” was. (Hey Simon — it really IS just a movie about a whale.) Mostly, I was disappointed by the fact that Ellen missed a golden opportunity to bust out her “whale voice” from “Finding Nemo” when Ryan asked her to explain the movie to Simon.

It would’ve been the best thing she’s done all season. (Just in front of her crack about having ever really loved a woman.)

Casey James was up next and delivered what was supposed to be a sensitive version of “Mrs. Robinson” that mostly turned out to be sleepy, decent and only slightly goat-y. (Though not nearly as goat-y as “Blue Skies” last week.) The rest of the segment was spent on making “Kara is a cougar” jokes that were stale months ago when they were introduced.

Crystal sang the last solo of the evening by picking Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright” from “Caddyshack.” God bless her for forsaking the soft-rock contemporary/movie soundtrack textbook. Still, while the performance was a welcome departure and vintage Crystal, there wasn’t really any greatness or the go-for-the-crown gusto the judges have demanded from her the past few weeks.

Then again, she probably got a pass thanks to her part in the night’s best musical performance, her duet of “Falling Slowly” with Lee (her MUSICAL crush).

I mean, how could they not pair these two (front-runners) up, right? While the original version of the song is probably lovelier and daintier, I liked the edge Lee and Crystal’s vocals brought to the song, which has been good to the contestants on the show for the second straight year. (Kris Allen sang it during last season’s Whatever We’re Calling Movie Week This Season week.)

The second best performance of the evening came from Casey and Michael who serenaded the audience with their take on “Have you Ever Really Loved a Woman.”

Ok, so part of the enjoyment of this performance came from the unintentional comedy of watching the two dudes struggle to NOT sing the song to each other. Still, after Casey struggled a bit with his opening verse (and a semi-ghastly falsetto note toward the end), Big Mike took over with a confident vocal, lifting the performance and convincing me that Casey was going home.

Casey seemed content just singing the harmony part and has generally been giving off an “I don’t want to be here anymore” air these last few weeks.

But what’d you think of this episode? Why is Jamie Foxx so crazy? Which contestants got an “Artist” T-shirt, and which got a “Contestant” shirt? (None of “The Soloists” — see what I did there? — deserved an “Artist” shirt.) Finally, who do you think is going home? I’m predicting Casey will go home — I’m also predicting a bottom 2 appearance from Crystal.

24: A Gut-Wrenching Episode

You can’t have it both ways, “24.”

For example, you can’t paint Dana Walsh as a cold-blooded, do-everything-to-save-her-own-ass killer one hour, and then in the next episode show her on a video file talking about how she was done helping the Russians and simply wanted to settle down with her boyfriend/fiancé.

(Barf!)

More importantly, “24”, you can’t keep trying to sell us the idea that Jack is some sort of rage-filled loose cannon who only cares about getting revenge, while also having him continue to maintain his near-superhuman mental capacity that allows him to out-smart every single human being on the planet.

One or the other, “24” – something’s gotta give.

Not that it wasn’t fun to see Jack (with an assist from Michael Madsen’s Jim Ricker) thoroughly outsmart the smug Logan lackey Jason Pillar and Pavel the Russian operative who killed Renee a few episodes back.

The episode picked up with Jack enlisting Ricker to help him identify the identity of the Russian gentleman Dana was speaking to in her video file. The hour also began with Cole coming to the realization that Dana had been executed. I understand that Cole and Dana had an extended off-screen relationship we never saw. Regardless, the way it’s playing out for us viewers, Cole is looking like a major chump for being angry at Jack for killing her.

Anyway, while Cole was taken back to CTU, Jack got Pavel’s identity from Ricker and formulated his plan. He’d contact Meredith Reed – the journalist President Hassan had an affair with – and expose the conspiracy to her since she’d provide a sympathetic ear. Don’t worry – I was surprised to see her too. I thought we’d seen the last of Jennifer Westfeldt this season.

Jack set up a meet with Meredith at a department store. Unfortunately(?) Jason Pillar intercepted the call at CTU, due to Jack using key words like “President Hassan” and “department store.” (Just kidding about one of those.) That allowed him to put the call in to Pavel and his team so they could eliminate Jack before he was arrested and spilled the beans about the Russian conspiracy.

Pillar was playing his cards pretty close to the vest, which got Chloe (the second smartest person on this show other than Jack) incredibly suspicious. She enlisted Arlo’s help (welcome back to the fold Arlo!) so she could talk to Cole and find out where Jack was so she could warn him. Arlo got her 90 seconds, but Cole spent most of his time on his high horse before giving Chloe a helpful clue about Jack’s whereabouts. (I’m guessing Chloe will find him in the next episode.)

Of course, it turned out that Chloe was wasting her time because Jack had the entire thing planned out.

He’d used those keywords knowing full well that CTU would intercept the phone call and dispatch Pavel and his team to kill him. This led to a terrific (but all-too-brief) department store shootout. Ricker neutralized Pavel and Jack grabbed Meredith and skedaddled to a nearby abandoned warehouse/storage space. (Who knew New York City had so many of those?)

I’ll give Pavel credit – like Dana Walsh, the guy was a tough cookie. Jack punched him (repeatedly), made small cuts with a knife, blow-torched him (I wish I was kidding about one of those), but he never wavered. This scene was absolutely brutal, but the raw emotion terrifically conveyed by Kiefer Sutherland helped balance out the extreme (in network TV standards) violence.

Jack finally decided to check Pavel’s phone, but it turns out the SIM card was missing. (We all knew they hadn’t shown Pavel falling on the ground for nothing.) The Russian had swallowed it. There was only one choice. Jack whispered “This is for my friend” before plunging a knife into his stomach and retrieving the SIM card. Two thoughts. 1.) That was kind of easy – I thought he’d have to completely cut him open. 2.) EWWWWWWWW.

Jack popped in the card, dialed a number and reached the voicemail of Charles Logan. (Ruh-roh!)

I have high hopes for their impending showdown. I’m not sure it’ll be as classic as their season 5 finale showdown (in which Logan talked Jack out of killing him by convincing him that Jack would go down as Lee Harvey Oswald), but I believe it’ll be good.

Logan continues to be absolute gold. This week, he wanted to make sure President Taylor remembered to give him his props for his role in the peace agreement. The look of disgust on President Taylor’s face was terrific, as was the sliminess of Logan’s request. Pillar tried to strongly urge Logan to distance himself from the soon-to-be-in-hot-water President Taylor, but the guy is too obsessed with his legacy.

President Logan may be completely dominating the U.N./political storyline, but President Taylor will be damned if she directly acknowledges his role in the peace agreement. Let the press secretary do that.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one who was paranoid about Arlo turning Chloe in? How cool was that veneer that Pillar used to cover up the CTU director’s office? (Have all CTU director’s offices been able to do that?) Finally, will President Taylor survive his face-to-face with Jack?

Lost: Quick thoughts on "The Candidate" before tonight's new episode

Yes, I saw “The Candidate” last Tuesday night just like you.

I was excited, shocked, angry and may have even cried (a little) just like you.

Unfortunately, a number of different forces — an unusually busy week at work in which I had to do five days worth of work in four; a weekend trip that kept me away from my computer; a computer that is on the verge of crapping out — conspired to keep me from writing a proper recap/column/reaction to “The Candidate.”

Still, in the spirit of better late than never, I wanted to (relatively quickly) express my thoughts on one of the most monumental (and one of the saddest) episodes of “Lost.”

- As I alluded to earlier, I was thoroughly pissed off when it became clear that the show was going to kill Sun and Jin one measly episode after reuniting them. I was so angry that when the music that played during Charlie’s death in “Through the Looking Glass” started up as Jin and Sun drowned, I was too annoyed to cry.

Then I thought about it some more and I felt better — a little.

From a dramatic standpoint, the argument could be made that Sun and Jin’s character arc on the show was finished as soon as they got back together. People on this show have a habit of dying once their redemption arc is over. (Like Shannon in season 2.) Of course, there’s a newly orphaned girl named Ji Yeon who would probably disagree with me. However, the fact that Jin apparently chose to abandon his little girl when he stayed by Sun’s side weirdly gives me hope. Maybe I’m naïve, but I simply can’t (or don’t want to) believe that THIS is how the Kwons’ story ends. I’m thinking/hoping they’ll ultimately be reunited with each other (and their baby) in whatever the Sideways world turns out to be.

What’s interesting about that is that, up until now, I’ve gotten a phony, suspicious vibe from the Sideways world — like it was created by malevolent forces. Now I’m actually rooting for the Sidways world to be viable.

Most importantly, there only so many Ilanas (characters who are vaguely important, but vaguely in the periphery) the show can kill. Eventually, they had to kill characters people actually care about to show us Anti-Locke is a bad dude.

- I really hope this puts to rest the silly notions most people had that Anti-Locke/The Man in Black was somehow the good guy.

- Sideways Bernard is a jaunty character...kinda wish we'd seen a bit more of him this season.

- I love Naveen Andrews’ work on this show, but I wasn’t really sad to see him die. Part of it was that it happened so quickly, but most of it was that I was tired of seeing the guy suffer so damn much.

What’s more, the writers found an exceedingly clever and poetic way for the character to die and redeem himself. If you recall, Sayid originally worked with authorities in season 1 to infiltrate a suicide bombing attempt in exchange for information on Nadia’s whereabouts. To have him die in a suicide bombing that actually saved people was a strong way for the character to go.

- Still, "There IS no Sayid" hurts.

- It’s been almost a week and I still have no idea whether Lapidus is alive or not? He SHOULD be dead, and I THINK he’s dead, but I also subscribe to the “no body, no death” rule of television.

- With all the emotional carnage in this episode, the scene that made me cry was the one where Jack, an unconscious Sawyer, a wounded Kate and Hurley all washup on the beach and just started sobbing over their friends. Jorge Garcia as Hurley, in particular, let out a hearth-wrenching cry to start the whole thing off. He was matched by Matthew Fox, who continues to do strong work in this final season.

- So it turned out that Sideways Locke was the titular candidate. To be honest, the most significant tidbit I got from this storyline (in light of Lapidus’ maybe-death) was the revelation that Sideways Locke was a pilot. Hmm.

- Let me get this straight — Sun, Jin and Sayid (and maybe Lapidus) are dead, but annoying Zoe/Evil Tina Fey is still alive?! Come on!

So what’d you think of this episode? Was Jack flirting with Rose? Whose death hit you the hardest? Also, how about Sawyer being the new Jack? (Making a boneheaded decision which cost lives.)

Dancing with the Stars: Dancing Through the Decades

So we all know Nicole and Evan are going to be in the finals.

That being said, it felt like the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was about finding the third person who would join them in the season finale.

The candidates were Chad, Niecy and Erin. Each of them has shown flashes of being that legitimate #3 in the past. (Ok, maybe not Niecy — methinks Pamela Anderson coulda been a stronger contender.)

Either way, we found our #3 last night. Let’s talk about that and everything else that went down in a weird week of “Dancing with the Stars” that left me almost as befuddled as Len was after each of Evan’s two dances. (To me, it’s always weird when all the judges decide, out of nowhere, that they’re going to be strict.)

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: So Cheryl complains when the guy talks too much and goofs around in practice, but it turns out that she gets equally peeved when he’s too quiet. The guy just can’t win. Unfortunately, I also literally mean that he can’t win this competition.

I liked his character in the tango, but his posture WAS a little funky (which tends to happen when there’s about a foot difference in height between dance partners) and his footwork was simply not on the level of what is necessary to win. (Not after Evan’s blazing hot 30 tango last week.)

His pimp-tastic 60’s jive was mostly lethargic, vaguely uninspired yet somehow garnered a higher score than his tango. During the routine, I said exactly what Len said — that he wasn’t kicking enough, and when he DID kick, it looked terrible — when Chad was done dancing. Unfortunately, I also literally mean that he’s likely going to be done dancing in this competition.

Niecy Nash and Louis: I continue to be impressed by how graceful she is during ballroom dances — like her waltz — even if her arms were slightly tomahawk-y. (I also continue to be impressed by the fact that she gets up at 5:30 a.m., works and THEN gets dancing lessons drilled into her without complaining.)

Unfortunately, there wasn’t too much that was impressive about her 90’s paso doble. Instead of potentially going for sassy, Niecy decided to go for straight up angry and ended up pulling a Kate Gosselin-esque stank face throughout the entire routine. She and Chad HAVE to be in the bottom two, right?

Erin Andrews and Maksim: Even if Chad and Niecy had been pretty good last night, it was too late — Erin had basically seized a spot in the finals after that tremendous vagina-to-face jump at the beginning of her and Maks’ Argentine tango. (I can now understand why she was scared to do that.) Fortunately, the rest of the performance — showcasing Erin’s long limbs — lived up to that beginning. I might’ve given it a 10.

Though she wasn’t as strong on her 80’s themed rumba, she was still strong, even if I could detect visible traces of doubt on her face when she was doing solo work during the dance. Still, my favorite part (other than that crazy twist thing Maks did with Erin’s leg at the end) was Maks deciding that he was just going to do a regular rumba and not worry too much about the 80’s part. (He let his Miami Vice outfit and Erin’s “Flashdance” sweater do most of the work on that front.)

Evan Lysacek and Anna: The judges (or just Len) didn’t know what to make of Evan last night (and neither did I).

For example, my biggest pet peeve with him is that his dancing tends to veer too much toward the feminine side, but that’s not really a HUGE problem on something like the Viennese waltz, which he performed first. Though I enjoyed the “Chasing Pavements”-like beginning with Evan and Anna dancing on the floor, my favorite moment was him bossing Anna around on the ice skating rink.

As for his futuristic cha cha cha (seriously), what can I say? Well, I can ask why Anna was dressed as “The Fifth Element”? I can also wonder why Evan appeared to have strips of black tape acting as facial hair? I suppose the judges were right in saying that the required herky-jerky “futuristic” motions masked his semi-troublesome hip action.

Most importantly, I have to wonder if the tradition depictions of “the future” (gray clothes, robotic movements) we’ve been getting for decades are ever going to come true!

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek (pictured, left): Nicole has been dazzling with her dancing all season, but last night she dazzled with her self-awareness. It’s almost as if this season’s ringer has been going on Internet chat boards and reading about how people say she shouldn’t even BE in this competition because she’s a trained dancer.

I believe that what she’s saying has merit (ballroom dancing is a different animal from booty dancing), but to pretend like her performance background and years of dancing gives her no edge would also be silly. I don’t know whether her plea will help her win (the audience really seems to resent people who are too good on this show), but she’s displaying more of a desire and drive to win this ridiculous competition than the similarly ringer-y Mya from last season.

As for her performances, I really enjoyed her high energy foxtrot, but it almost felt like it was a bit TOO crammed with stuff. That wasn’t the problem with their 50’s paso doble, which appeared to have Derek stumped. Derek often (deservedly) gets a bum rap for his shameless camera mugging and the fact that he never seems to get partnered with anyone who is terrible, so it’s easy to forget that he’s an absolutely brilliant choreographer.

In the end, he came up with a “Grease”-inspired number (with Nicole as Cha Cha DiGrogorio) that was both technically spectacular and incredibly inspired from a performance standpoint. It was pefect — which is why it got a 30.

So what’d you think of this episode? What year will the clichéd version of the future come true? Can Erin actually win this thing? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Chad being sent packing.)

American Idol: Harry Situation

I’m a bit more forgiving when it comes to Frank Sinatra Week (or Rat Pack Week or Big Band Week or whatever euphemism the show’s producers want to use to cover up for the fact that they ran out of ideas for theme nights four years ago) on “American Idol.”

I’ve been swing dancing for the better part of eight years, so the music from that era pretty much gets me moving involuntarily.

Even with the deck stacked in the show’s favor, and despite the presence of an energetic, charismatic and truly involved (maybe TOO involved) guest mentor, I still feel like “American Idol” came up short last night.

I’m guessing the big reason is that I just don’t feel all the love for Lee DeWyze.

Yes, he seems like a nice enough/humble guy. Yes, he’s noticeably improved his stage presence. (Before, it was more of a “stage absence.”) And, yes, I can objectively see that he has the most distinctive, radio-friendly tone out of all the remaining finalists. (Even if I’m not personally a fan of his constipated/strained singing.)

Still, for whatever reason, I just can’t shake the feeling that the judges are going out of their way to prop this guy up to be more than what he really is. (It’s pretty much the exact opposite of how they treated Kris Allen — I’m betting Simon is still trying to figure out how Kris won.)

I mean, I liked mini-Connick Jr’s take on “That’s Life” just fine. I REALLY liked that (although he still appears nervous), he was visibly feeling the song on stage. I just wish the judges would call him out on his occasional pitch problems or the fact that much of his first verse was unintelligible or, you know, ANYTHING. Again, Lee is a nice guy and he’s a good singer, but he’s not the do-no-wrong superstar the judges seem to be treating him like.

Of course, there’s a realistic chance that Lee can win – I can’t say the same for the likes of Aaron Kelly and Casey James.

I wouldn’t have included Casey James in that sentence before last night, but his cover of “Blue Skies” was absolutely brutal. (Not quite Paige Miles-brutal, but still…) His first note was off, he looked lost without his guitar (dude needed a mic stand to anchor him) and the judges (or at least Kara) finally noticed his goat-like tone when he holds out a note. Just not a good night for Mr. James, though judging from how Simon’s joke about him having a gig ready next Tuesday bombed, I’m not surprised he was able to avoid the bottom two.

Instead, it was Aaron who went home after a particularly lifeless take on “Fly Me to the Moon.” Besides not at all adapting his style to the night’s musical theme (other than ditching the tragically “edgy” hairstyle he usually sports), he seemed completely disconnected from the lyrics. More annoyingly, his movements on stage seem to be completely on autopilot. He reminds me of a videogame avatar in the Karaoke Revolution videogame I used to play. Ok, that’s not true – I still play that game.

That means former ninth place finisher Michael Lynche will likely live to see another week. There’s not much to say about his cover of “The Way You Look Tonight.” The week’s theme was, indeed, in his “wheelhouse” (as, I’m sure, Randy reminded himself to point out hours before the telecast) and he was solid. Unfortunately, that also means he didn’t do anything particularly surprising or exciting. Still, in a season with this many ups and downs, being safe and steady isn’t the worst thing in the world. (In fact, it appears to be encouraged.)

At least it certainly seems like the judges aren’t enjoying (and are even resenting) The Crystal Bowersox Show.

Sure, it’s a bit presumptuous of someone on an amateur singing competition to try to bend said competition to their will instead of “playing the game.” (Kind of the same way it was obnoxious for Emilio to put his “E.Sosa” print on his own fabric this past season on “Project Runway.”) However, I actually dig the fact that last week she was the leader of a country quartet, and this week she was a jazz singer. (And did both just as credibly.)

The problem last night (other than her first verse sounding shaky and nervous) is that Crystal continues to put herself in the no-win situation of looking like a know-it-all. Granted, it’s incredibly tempting to talk back to this group of judges (since they have no idea what they’re talking about), but as ridiculous as they are, they DO have credibility in the music industry. They have credibility that Crystal doesn’t have. What I’m saying is that – despite her relatively even-tempered and thoughtful rebuttals and her refreshing refusal to submit to the big-note status quo – it would probably be better for her voting prospects if she just shushed while the judges were talking. (All bets are off during the post-performance interview with Seacrest.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Was there too much Harry Connick Jr., not enough or just the right amount? (This crop of finalists is so boring, I’ll take as much Connick as I can get.) Why was Anthony Hopkins there? Finally, where do you think is Simon going to keep that monogrammed Sinatra hankie? (In his V-neck t-shirt pocket?)

24: Oh Happy Dana

I feel it’s only fitting we begin this recap the way last night’s episode ended — with a moment of no silence for one of the most unpopular characters in recent “24” history.

I allowed myself to wonder, if only for a second, whether this much-maligned individual would get the silent clock treatment usually reserved for beloved characters in the show’s universe. Instead, the ticking clock sound which closes out ever hour seemed to come on even LOUDER than usual. And I had a good laugh.

It’s probably no coincidence that I feel like the episode in which Dana Walsh was FINALLY killed is the best of the season. However, there was plenty more to like about this heart-pounding and humorous hour.

The episode picked up with Dalia Hassan praising President Taylor during her press conference, and President Taylor in the background trying not to throw up. That’s because she knew Dana was in the clutches of the private security firm recommended by Logan. Bledsoe was leading Dana’s waterboarding session, but the treacherous gal was hanging tough. More than anything, I wondered how they managed to fake that waterboarding scene so convincingly without actually doing it — major credit goes to the director and to Katee Sackhoff.

Fortunately(?) for Dana, Jack and Cole stormed the safehouse (after Jack actually got around to giving Cole ammo) and rescued her during an infiltration mission that was both convincingly methodical (the way Jack took the guy on the roof out) and exciting. Obviously, the best moment was Bledsoe using Dana as a human shield and telling Jack he’d shoot her in the head before Jack had time to take him ou…whoops, Bledsoe just got blown away. (RIP, D.B. Sweeney.)

Dana went to work on Cole pretty much from the instant she was rescued, trying to convince him that Jack was out of control and only hungry for revenge. (Not an unreasonable position to take.) Tensions nearly boiled over when Cole — feeling frustrated over the fact that he still had feelings for Dana and that she was getting in his head — shoved Jack to the ground, and Jack drew his weapon on him. Still, think how much better the scene would’ve been if Freddy Prince Jr. hadn’t wildly overacted!

The trio went to a bank to retrieve a safety deposit box, which Dana claimed contained the video evidence Jack needed to link the Russians to Renee and President Hassan’s death. (Does Jack even care about President Hassan’s death anymore — I think the fact that he only mentioned Renee’s death yesterday was telling.)

The bank sequence was one of the best in the show’s recent history. Dana once again tried to sweet talk Cole, and just when I thought he was falling for it, he hardened and insisted on opening the safety deposit box himself. (Mini-twist.) Inside, he found a gun Dana had stashed away (TWIST!) which made us think that she was busted. Instead, a blinding light went off (double twist!) incapacitating Cole and facilitating Dana’s escape after she placed a call to 911 and let them know of fugitive Jack’s whereabouts. For a second, I was thinking (hoping) she would put a bullet into the unconscious Cole. (What I’m saying is that Cole kinda sucks.)

Jack predictably disposed of the flunkies who tried to grab him (shooting that guy in the foot instead of the knee was a show of restraint, I think) and chased Dana. After a delightfully anarchic sequence where she may have shot a few tourists, he cornered her in an abandoned building (but forever messed up that terrific brown leather jacket).

Now, there will be people out there who claim Jack crossed a line by killing Dana in cold blood, and I never really love it when my protagonist commits murder. However, Dana had CLEARLY established that was going to do everything she could to save her ass. Besides, this isn’t even unprecedented within the world of “24” (see Jack’s shootings of Nina Meyers and Christopher Henderson, unarmed baddies like Dana who simply had to be put down.)

Still, I have to give the writers (and ESPECIALLY Sackhoff) a bit of credit for somehow crafting a formidable villain this season. You will never, EVER be able to convince me that the plan was always for Dana to be a Russian mole, but it ended up working out in the end because the character became a truly loathsome villain.

The rest of the episode was business as usual, with Logan expertly manipulating President Taylor. Logan’s plan now is to have Jack killed. He’s enlisted Novakovich and the Russian sniper who killed Renee to do the dirty work and convinced President Taylor to install his right-hand man Jason Pillar as the head of the manhunt for Jack. (Much to the delightfully sour-faced chagrin of Chloe.) It’s actually a pretty terrific plan on Logan’s part.

At least President Taylor displayed somewhat of a backbone by hanging up on Logan when he was still talking. (Even better was Logan pretending that Taylor was still on the phone to save face with Jason — Gregory Itzin is the MAN!)

I hate to say this, but if episodes like this one are what we have to look forward to the rest of the year, then they really should’ve canceled the show sooner.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Jack cross a line by killing Dana? How long until Dalia finds out about President Taylor’s cover-up? Finally, how exactly is Jack going to kill that Russian sniper? (You KNOW it’s going to be good.)

Dancing with the Stars: 30 to Tango

The lowest score anybody received on last night’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was a 24. (That’d be Pamela Anderson’s Viennese waltz and Team Madonna’s tally.)

What I’m trying to say is that this episode was the best all-around — in terms of (gasp!) dancing — the show has produced in a long time.

Let’s dive right into an episode that featured the season’s first perfect 30, Lady GaGa vs. Madonna, and a scary snake necklace.

Erin Andrews and Maks: Will there ever be a rehearsal package where these two DON’T argue? This week’s disagreement — to de-pants or not to de-pants, was the question for Maks — seemed particularly staged, which made it more annoying. (As annoyed as I was, I didn’t petulantly lie down on my living room floor in protest.) It all turned out to be especially irritating when Maks’ de-pantsing simply involved him losing the square black trousers for a pair of blindingly salmon pair of pants.

There WAS dancing too. In fact, other than losing her way at the very beginning of the routine, Erin was excellent during her nimble, entertaining quickstep, which earned them a 27.

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: A refreshed-looking Tony Dovolani — he looks so much happier since escaping the clutches of Dementor Kate Gosselin — stopped by to help Chad with his Viennese waltz. It’s SO much more helpful for a lead to learn a dance from another lead, as opposed to learning it from a follow, since all the follow is basically doing is trying to fool people into thinking the man in leading.

The tutorial seemed to pay off for Chad, who displayed some solid lines during the waltz and, thankfully, kept the clunkiness to a minimum. Now, I wish they’d keep the tired showmance to a minimum. (If they were always going to mention the necklace Chad got Cheryl, she should’ve worn the thing frontways from the beginning!)

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek: More faux-drama during rehearsal (this time, it was Derek forgetting to compliment Nicole because she’s SO good).

In fact, let’s talk about how good she is. Yes, her Viennese waltz was predictably lovely, terrific and spot-on (I especially liked the spinning move at the end), but is she REALLY, as Carrie Ann claimed, “by far the best dancer” they’ve ever had on this show? I mean, Nicole is obviously great technically, but is she even better than Mya from just last season? Is she better than Krisi Yamaguchi, Gilles Marini, Mario Lopez or even Stacy Keibler? That’s obviously up for debate, but I’ll just say that Nicole does tend to forget her face at times when she’s performing. I also think saying she’s the best dancer “by far” is ridiculous.

Pamela Anderson and Damian: Same s---, different week. Pamela once again nailed the character during her lilac-y Viennese waltz, but wasn’t exactly able to break out technically, which is why I’m feeling like she might be in danger of going home tonight. I DID think Damian’s teaching aid (tying Pam to him hip-to-hip) seemed like an effective way to drill that aspect of the dance into Pam’s head. (And she seemed to particularly enjoy it.)

Niecy Nash and Louis: I’m sure lots of other stuff (probably about food) happened in their rehearsal package, but all I remember was thinking “Aww” when it was revealed that Louis and Kelly Osbourne — his partner from last season — still text each other.

On to the dance, which was Niecy’s best performance to date. I wasn’t expecting much from her quickstep because her footwork had been crap to date, but Niecy was impressively and shockingly light on her feet throughout. I just wonder if she’ll be around next week to (potentially) surprise me again.

Evan Lysacek and Anna (pictured, right): Evan was coming off his lowest score of the season. Instead of pouting to his pro and acting all defiant, he shut his mouth, listened to Anna and delivered one of the best performances I have EVER seen on this show.

The technique was on point, the routine had its spectacular moments (that spinning/split aerial was insane), but, most importantly, it was HOT! The reason it all worked was because Evan finally took my advice (yes, I’m taking credit for this), left the figure skating movements at home and danced like a MAN. Bravissimo!

Team GaGa: Honestly, Team GaGa pretty much won the Cha Cha Challenge as soon as Chad, Pamela and Nicole saucily walked to the middle of the dance floor, were met by their pros, and the women ripped off their pleather raincoats. Well done.

On top of that, their synchronized group work was nearly impeccable. As for the solos, Nicole was excellent (though more fast and furious than hot), Chad was surprisingly good (even better than during his waltz, I might say), and Pamela forgot a few steps and was completely out of gas (just like she was out of gas during the swing marathon last week). Still, my favorite part was Cheryl almost falling on the ground following the team’s celebratory cheer at the end of their routine. Also, performing to “Telephone” (“Cause I’ll be dancing”) proved to be a pretty distinct advantage.

Team Madonna: On the other hand, if I had to pick a Madonna song to cha cha cha to, I don’t think “Holiday” would be in my top 25.

Either way, Team Madonna gave it their dorky best, with Niecy and Erin writhing around Evan as he pretended to enjoy it. Niecy’s solo was decent, Erin’s was a big improvement from her week 1 cha cha cha, but Evan reverted back into figure skating mode for his spotlight moment. Most alarmingly, the men didn’t rip the women’s clothes off until the very end, which we all know is the real reason they got less points than Team GaGa.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Brooke Burke’s snake necklace creep anyone else out? (Like Indiana Jones, I HATE snakes.) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Niecy and Pamela in the bottom 2, with Niecy going home.)

A Nightmare on Elm Street Review

I grew up watching Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers slash their way through a seemingly endless parade of horror movie sequels.

(My parents were cool with me seeing R-rated horror movies — I think they figured I’d either be into it and things would be fine or I’d freak myself out and get the horror movie phase out of my system early in life. Either way, they win.)

Twenty years later, your kids are growing up watching Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees and Michael Myers slash their way through a seemingly endless parade of horror movie sequels (that are sure to come). I’ll save my musings on what a drag it is that this generation of horror movie fans doesn’t have its very own original boogeymen to freak them out — there’s Jigsaw and…who else?! — for another day.

Right now, we’re going to talk about the remake/reboot/(insert euphemism here) of “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” It’s not very good.

Ok, so going into a remake of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” you figure there’s a better than not chance that it wouldn’t be very good. Still, I was encouraged. I was swayed by the trailers and commercials that actually made the movie look scary (as opposed to downright gross, which is where most horror movies these seem to go). I was especially encouraged by the casting of Jackie Earle Haley.

Jackie Earle Haley is enjoying a career renaissance due in large part to his Oscar-nominated performance as a pedophile in “Little Children” and his mostly-masked role as Rorschach in “Watchmen.” In “Elm Street”, Haley takes over the role of Freddy Kruger, a pedophile with a burn-scarred face. If I were Haley, I’d start taking stuff like this personally pretty soon.

Haley — taking over for the iconic Robert Englund, who played the role for almost 20 years — is predictably solid. Whereas Englund’s portrayal sometimes veered too far into jokiness, Haley plays it relatively straight, scary and creepy. He also succeeds in emoting and acting through the heavy makeup and effectively anchors the flick with his performance.

Unfortunately, almost everyone around him lets him down.

Co-writers Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer give us a bit more back story on Freddy than Wes Craven’s 1984 original. However, did we NEED more back story? I subscribe to the notion that movie villains are MUCH scarier when we have little or no idea as to why they’re crazy. On top of that, the writers and director Samuel Bayer recreate — almost verbatim — a few sequences from the original flick. (Yes, the effects are more impressive today, but what’s the point?)

Still, I place most of the blame on Bayer, who is making his feature-film debut. The biggest problem is that the long-time music video director appears to have confused LOUD SOUNDTRACK JOLTS and jump scares with actual terror. Honestly, I could come over to your house, hide behind doors and scare you whenever you enter a room (accompanied by a deafening screech), but it doesn’t make me a horror genius. It doesn’t even make me clever. It makes me annoying — which is what happens in this movie.

Look, I jumped a few times, but how can you not when there are approximately 75 jump scares in this thing?I guarantee you this movie is 98% less scary for the hearing impaired.

I do like that the director and his writers structured the movie in a way that it served as a mini-showcase for their young cast. It’s probably a good idea to have each of the actors take turns carrying the movie for a while because none of them — except maybe for Kyle Gallner as Quentin and Katie Cassidy, who, it turns out, has an EXCELLENT horror movie scream — is really good enough to do it on their own. On top of all that, I'm annoyed on a personal level that the movie wasted the underappreciated Clancy Brown as well as the excellent and criminally underappreciated Connie Britton in nothing roles.

In the end, the movie mostly squanders the fact that they scored a terrific lead actor by saddling him with an unimaginative script and an even more unimaginative director. Then again, these seem to be particularly unimaginative times, so what did I expect?

A Nightmare on Elm Street…C

Kick-Ass Review

It’s barely May, but I’m pretty sure I already know what the go-to Halloween costume for little girls will be later this year - assuming you don’t mind your little girl dressing up like a foul-mouthed, limb-removing vigilante/superhero.

(In a related story, I would TOTALLY let my theoretical little girl dress up like a foul-mouthed, limb-removing vigilante-superhero.)

The movie and title character may be called “Kick-Ass”, but the star of the show is unquestionably Hit-Girl (played by Chloe Grace Moretz).

“Kick-Ass”- based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire…I mean, based on the comic book of the same name by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. – is the story of Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), a high school student who decides to become a superhero, despite the fact that he has neither superpowers nor a compelling reason for doing so. (Dave notes, in voiceover, that his parents were NOT gunned down in a dark ally by a petty criminal.)

After a few bumps along the way, Dave ends up becoming an overnight sensation after his heroic exploits go viral on YouTube. (How modern!) Unfortunately, that brings him to the attention of Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong of “Sherlock Holmes” and who may never not play a villain from here on out), the city’s reigning mobster. Fortunately, that also brings Kick-Ass to the attention of Hit-Girl and Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage, nicely continuing his run of insane performances), who has been secretly dispensing his own brand of vigilante justice for a long time.

In my opinion, the characters of Hit-Girl and Big-Daddy are both the best and most frustrating things about the movie. (And, I suspect, the comic book, which I’ve never read.)

They’re great in the movie because they bring an incredible sense of energy and anarchy to the proceedings. Cage, purposefully channeling an Adam West-like hamminess for his Batman-like character, hasn’t been this good in a while. Whenever I’m ready to write him off after watching him sleepwalk through a string of awful movies, he always comes up with a fascinating performance. (Then again, the guy makes about eight movies a year, so he can’t help but stumble into a good movie occasionally.)

Then there’s Moretz, who gives a star-making turn as Hit-Girl. The novelty of a little girl saying such filthy things and kicking so much ass actually wears off relatively quickly because Moretz gives a solid, believable lived-in performance. After a bit, you just kind of accept that she can do these incredible things.

The reason they’re the most frustrating thing to happen to this movie is because, once they arrive, any semblance of reality director Matthew Vaughn had established goes flying out the window. Obviously, this is an action-movie adaptation of a comic book, so “reality” is a relative concept, but I was thoroughly enjoying the world Vaughn had established prior to Big Daddy and Hit-Girl’s over-the-top exploits.

That’s due, in large part, to Johnson’s strong work as Dave/Kick-Ass. Johnson is fantastic at playing an average, dorky teen. (My major pet peeve with the TV show “Chuck” is that Chuck Bartowski was supposed to be this gigantic geek, but Zachary Levi is a hell of a good-looking guy.) Johnson actually looks like an average teenager you might see in the real world (and I SWEAR I mean that as a compliment).

When Kick-Ass first tries his hand at being a superhero, it doesn’t go well and we REALLY feel Dave’s pain. Once Big-Daddy and Hit-Girl arrive on the scene, the movie becomes indistinguishable from any number of mega-budgeted blockbusters based on infinitely more popular comic book characters. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just is what it is.

I also found Dave’s relationship with love interest Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca) to be infinitely less believable than his relationship with Chris D’Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), the son of Frank who becomes the superhero known as Red Mist to get closer to Kick-Ass. I honestly thought Mintz-Plasse would be a one-hit wonder after his great turn as McLovin in “Superbad”, but in this movie the actor has expertly calibrated his nerdy on-screen persona to include a bit of relatable longing for paternal approval and acceptance. The guy is also funny as hell as he tries to become a supervillain like his dad.

Maybe it’s just me, but I enjoyed the moments in the movie grounded in reality and human emotion (and they sort of sneak up on you) a bit more than the bazooka explosions and ultra-violent slow-motion action sequences that are probably getting most of the attention, but that we’ve seen a thousand times before.

Either way, this movie still pretty much kicks ass.

Kick-Ass…A-