Dancing with the Stars: Dancing Through the Decades

So we all know Nicole and Evan are going to be in the finals.

That being said, it felt like the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was about finding the third person who would join them in the season finale.

The candidates were Chad, Niecy and Erin. Each of them has shown flashes of being that legitimate #3 in the past. (Ok, maybe not Niecy — methinks Pamela Anderson coulda been a stronger contender.)

Either way, we found our #3 last night. Let’s talk about that and everything else that went down in a weird week of “Dancing with the Stars” that left me almost as befuddled as Len was after each of Evan’s two dances. (To me, it’s always weird when all the judges decide, out of nowhere, that they’re going to be strict.)

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: So Cheryl complains when the guy talks too much and goofs around in practice, but it turns out that she gets equally peeved when he’s too quiet. The guy just can’t win. Unfortunately, I also literally mean that he can’t win this competition.

I liked his character in the tango, but his posture WAS a little funky (which tends to happen when there’s about a foot difference in height between dance partners) and his footwork was simply not on the level of what is necessary to win. (Not after Evan’s blazing hot 30 tango last week.)

His pimp-tastic 60’s jive was mostly lethargic, vaguely uninspired yet somehow garnered a higher score than his tango. During the routine, I said exactly what Len said — that he wasn’t kicking enough, and when he DID kick, it looked terrible — when Chad was done dancing. Unfortunately, I also literally mean that he’s likely going to be done dancing in this competition.

Niecy Nash and Louis: I continue to be impressed by how graceful she is during ballroom dances — like her waltz — even if her arms were slightly tomahawk-y. (I also continue to be impressed by the fact that she gets up at 5:30 a.m., works and THEN gets dancing lessons drilled into her without complaining.)

Unfortunately, there wasn’t too much that was impressive about her 90’s paso doble. Instead of potentially going for sassy, Niecy decided to go for straight up angry and ended up pulling a Kate Gosselin-esque stank face throughout the entire routine. She and Chad HAVE to be in the bottom two, right?

Erin Andrews and Maksim: Even if Chad and Niecy had been pretty good last night, it was too late — Erin had basically seized a spot in the finals after that tremendous vagina-to-face jump at the beginning of her and Maks’ Argentine tango. (I can now understand why she was scared to do that.) Fortunately, the rest of the performance — showcasing Erin’s long limbs — lived up to that beginning. I might’ve given it a 10.

Though she wasn’t as strong on her 80’s themed rumba, she was still strong, even if I could detect visible traces of doubt on her face when she was doing solo work during the dance. Still, my favorite part (other than that crazy twist thing Maks did with Erin’s leg at the end) was Maks deciding that he was just going to do a regular rumba and not worry too much about the 80’s part. (He let his Miami Vice outfit and Erin’s “Flashdance” sweater do most of the work on that front.)

Evan Lysacek and Anna: The judges (or just Len) didn’t know what to make of Evan last night (and neither did I).

For example, my biggest pet peeve with him is that his dancing tends to veer too much toward the feminine side, but that’s not really a HUGE problem on something like the Viennese waltz, which he performed first. Though I enjoyed the “Chasing Pavements”-like beginning with Evan and Anna dancing on the floor, my favorite moment was him bossing Anna around on the ice skating rink.

As for his futuristic cha cha cha (seriously), what can I say? Well, I can ask why Anna was dressed as “The Fifth Element”? I can also wonder why Evan appeared to have strips of black tape acting as facial hair? I suppose the judges were right in saying that the required herky-jerky “futuristic” motions masked his semi-troublesome hip action.

Most importantly, I have to wonder if the tradition depictions of “the future” (gray clothes, robotic movements) we’ve been getting for decades are ever going to come true!

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek (pictured, left): Nicole has been dazzling with her dancing all season, but last night she dazzled with her self-awareness. It’s almost as if this season’s ringer has been going on Internet chat boards and reading about how people say she shouldn’t even BE in this competition because she’s a trained dancer.

I believe that what she’s saying has merit (ballroom dancing is a different animal from booty dancing), but to pretend like her performance background and years of dancing gives her no edge would also be silly. I don’t know whether her plea will help her win (the audience really seems to resent people who are too good on this show), but she’s displaying more of a desire and drive to win this ridiculous competition than the similarly ringer-y Mya from last season.

As for her performances, I really enjoyed her high energy foxtrot, but it almost felt like it was a bit TOO crammed with stuff. That wasn’t the problem with their 50’s paso doble, which appeared to have Derek stumped. Derek often (deservedly) gets a bum rap for his shameless camera mugging and the fact that he never seems to get partnered with anyone who is terrible, so it’s easy to forget that he’s an absolutely brilliant choreographer.

In the end, he came up with a “Grease”-inspired number (with Nicole as Cha Cha DiGrogorio) that was both technically spectacular and incredibly inspired from a performance standpoint. It was pefect — which is why it got a 30.

So what’d you think of this episode? What year will the clichéd version of the future come true? Can Erin actually win this thing? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Chad being sent packing.)