The Celebrity Apprentice: Tea Time

I’ve been a very bad “Celebrity Apprentice” recapper.

I fell behind by one week for a while, but I’m caught up now. Before I get to Sunday night’s episode — featuring two former “Apprentice” winners, Snapple, and an Australian taking a crap in someone else’s bathroom — let me just give you my quick thoughts on the past two weeks:

- Rod Blagojevich and Cyndi Lauper were goofy fun. Sharon Osbourne was goofy and profane fun. (What WAS up with that mini strip tease yesterday?!) However, Bret Michaels is UNQUESTIONABLY this season’s MVP. From the ridiculous (the “70’s porn” soundtrack, and the “controversial” crack about plumber’s crack in the live radio spot) to the serious (those terrific panoramic pictures he took of NYC and the way he calmly and firmly defends himself in the boardroom), the guy has delivered on every level. Not exactly a big shocker his more entertaining squad pulled out the win in the radio spot challenge.

- I need to check out HBO’s “John Adams.” It comes highly-recommended from Cyndi Lauper. (By the way, she was right — people associate Ben Franklin with electricity, not plumbing!)

- Did Eric Trump’s debut/guest appearance rattle Donald Trump Jr., who blanked out when describing the apartment renovation challenge? (They could’ve easily edited that out.) I don’t know why, but I like to imagine that there’s now a rivalry between those two.

- Can’t say what I enjoyed more — making fun of how boring the two Clockwork Home Services execs were or saying “LeFrak” during the apartment episode. (Ok, it’s definitely “LeFrak.”)

- Don’t make Cyndi Lauper angry - you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Can’t say I blame her. I was a bit flabbergasted when Trump gave credit to Holly (and Holly accepted credit) for Cyndi’s celebrity room, when all Holly did was say she wanted something with “red.”

- I don’t remember a more random character assassination (Sharon and Maria’s assault on smug Curtis) OR a faster turnaround after Curtis won them over. (Although Maria still held a secret grudge.)

And that’s as good a spot as any to start talking about last night’s episode.

The evening began with the five remaining celebrities getting called back into the boardroom and Trump announcing that he was going to fire one of them immediately.

Before he even started asking them the standard “why should you stay?” question, we all knew Maria was going home. Or, at least, I knew Maria was going home because she was the least famous person there. In an apparent bid to make Trump’s decision even easier, she immaturely interrupted Curtis when he was speaking, and explained that the reason she didn’t care for the smug Aussie was because he’d come into her restroom and taken a dump. (And here I thought the reason she didn’t like Curtis was because he’d gotten upset when she snuck into Team Tenacity’s room and stole some pizza.)

Trump (and most of America) seemed generally grossed out and put off by this revelation, so Maria was sent packing.

The final four faced reigning “Celebrity Apprentice” Joan Rivers (Team Annie 4-EVAH!) and original “Apprentice” Bill Rancic for a round of job interviews, followed by Trump willowing the field down to a final two.

Although there were four participants in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Celebrity Apprentice, only three had a realistic chance. It was clear that Curtis would be fired even before he unenthusiastically regurgitated his “I’m a leader” mantra. (Oh well, at least he got to butcher plenty of copy as the co-host of the 2010 Miss USA pageant.)

After that, it got considerably trickier. From what we saw, Bret had been the most impressive during the interviews, articulately and strongly arguing his merit without going over the top and telling Joan Rivers not to mistake kindness for weakness. Add to that the appropriate amount of star power and a spotless record as project manager and he was a shoo-in.

The other spot was a lot closer. I picked Sharon to win this season because of her combination of star power, fund-raising ability and reality shot entertainment value. Although Holly is a LOT less fun to watch and not nearly as famous, she had wiped the floor with Sharon earlier this season in terms of fundraising. However, the thing that REALLY did Sharon in was her repeated crying jags and the fact that she let her emotion and guilt about not doing enough for her charity overwhelm her. Most tellingly, she said that she didn’t know if she’d WANT to beat Holly if it came down to the two of them. We all know Trump hates any sort of displays of weakness, so he fired Sharon.

I would’ve loved to see a Bret/Sharon finale, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of Bret vs. Holly. If for no other reason, it gives me someone to DEFINITELY root for. (Sorry, Holly — you’re just too much of a pill.)

Before the end of last night, we saw the first half of the final challenge, which had Bret and Holly creating a new flavor of Snapple Iced Tea, along with preparing a commercial, a print ad and a fancy pants presentation. Holly was given Curtis and Maria as helpers, while Bret got assistance from Daryl (waking up from the nap he always seemed on the verge of taking) and Summer, aka Holly’s BFF.

So far, things are stacked in Holly’s favor (almost to a ridiculous degree). She had Curtis represent her in the negotiations for flavor and the smug Aussie (I think I’ll just call him that from now on) absolutely wiped the floor with Nice Guy Bret after the two butted heads over Passion Fruit. Holly ended up creating her Passion Berry drink (Passion fruit + strawberry), while Bret went with a vanilla/cinnamon Tropirocka, after his diabetic-friendly pear and nutmeg drink was met with a resounding thumbs down. (Shocker!)

On top of that, Bret couldn’t get his freakin’ dolly track to shoot his commercial. Indeed, things are not looking good at all for Bret, but I’m not buying it. I’m guessing that dolly track will turn up at the start of next week’s season finale and all will be fine.

More than that, I simply can’t imagine a scenario that involves Bret Michaels making his first live TV appearance after his recent brush with death – only to be “fired” by Donald Trump. I don’t think anyone would call Trump a sentimentalist, but the man is a showman. What could possibly make for a better show than crowning Bret Michaels (back from near death AND a completely worthy winner) as “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

So what’d you think of this episode? What are Cyndi’s thoughts on HBO’s “The Pacific”? Could the final two teams be more random? (I mean, Daryl?! Why?!?!) Why are Curtis and Mario so super-jerky now? Who will stick up for the gays now that Cyndi is gone? Finally, who do you think will win next week?

(NOTE: I apologize in advance because I will NOT have my "Celebrity Apprentice" recap up on Monday. You see, next Sunday is the series finale of "Lost", and there's no way I'm not watching that live.)