The Celebrity Apprentice: Tea Time

I’ve been a very bad “Celebrity Apprentice” recapper.

I fell behind by one week for a while, but I’m caught up now. Before I get to Sunday night’s episode — featuring two former “Apprentice” winners, Snapple, and an Australian taking a crap in someone else’s bathroom — let me just give you my quick thoughts on the past two weeks:

- Rod Blagojevich and Cyndi Lauper were goofy fun. Sharon Osbourne was goofy and profane fun. (What WAS up with that mini strip tease yesterday?!) However, Bret Michaels is UNQUESTIONABLY this season’s MVP. From the ridiculous (the “70’s porn” soundtrack, and the “controversial” crack about plumber’s crack in the live radio spot) to the serious (those terrific panoramic pictures he took of NYC and the way he calmly and firmly defends himself in the boardroom), the guy has delivered on every level. Not exactly a big shocker his more entertaining squad pulled out the win in the radio spot challenge.

- I need to check out HBO’s “John Adams.” It comes highly-recommended from Cyndi Lauper. (By the way, she was right — people associate Ben Franklin with electricity, not plumbing!)

- Did Eric Trump’s debut/guest appearance rattle Donald Trump Jr., who blanked out when describing the apartment renovation challenge? (They could’ve easily edited that out.) I don’t know why, but I like to imagine that there’s now a rivalry between those two.

- Can’t say what I enjoyed more — making fun of how boring the two Clockwork Home Services execs were or saying “LeFrak” during the apartment episode. (Ok, it’s definitely “LeFrak.”)

- Don’t make Cyndi Lauper angry - you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Can’t say I blame her. I was a bit flabbergasted when Trump gave credit to Holly (and Holly accepted credit) for Cyndi’s celebrity room, when all Holly did was say she wanted something with “red.”

- I don’t remember a more random character assassination (Sharon and Maria’s assault on smug Curtis) OR a faster turnaround after Curtis won them over. (Although Maria still held a secret grudge.)

And that’s as good a spot as any to start talking about last night’s episode.

The evening began with the five remaining celebrities getting called back into the boardroom and Trump announcing that he was going to fire one of them immediately.

Before he even started asking them the standard “why should you stay?” question, we all knew Maria was going home. Or, at least, I knew Maria was going home because she was the least famous person there. In an apparent bid to make Trump’s decision even easier, she immaturely interrupted Curtis when he was speaking, and explained that the reason she didn’t care for the smug Aussie was because he’d come into her restroom and taken a dump. (And here I thought the reason she didn’t like Curtis was because he’d gotten upset when she snuck into Team Tenacity’s room and stole some pizza.)

Trump (and most of America) seemed generally grossed out and put off by this revelation, so Maria was sent packing.

The final four faced reigning “Celebrity Apprentice” Joan Rivers (Team Annie 4-EVAH!) and original “Apprentice” Bill Rancic for a round of job interviews, followed by Trump willowing the field down to a final two.

Although there were four participants in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Celebrity Apprentice, only three had a realistic chance. It was clear that Curtis would be fired even before he unenthusiastically regurgitated his “I’m a leader” mantra. (Oh well, at least he got to butcher plenty of copy as the co-host of the 2010 Miss USA pageant.)

After that, it got considerably trickier. From what we saw, Bret had been the most impressive during the interviews, articulately and strongly arguing his merit without going over the top and telling Joan Rivers not to mistake kindness for weakness. Add to that the appropriate amount of star power and a spotless record as project manager and he was a shoo-in.

The other spot was a lot closer. I picked Sharon to win this season because of her combination of star power, fund-raising ability and reality shot entertainment value. Although Holly is a LOT less fun to watch and not nearly as famous, she had wiped the floor with Sharon earlier this season in terms of fundraising. However, the thing that REALLY did Sharon in was her repeated crying jags and the fact that she let her emotion and guilt about not doing enough for her charity overwhelm her. Most tellingly, she said that she didn’t know if she’d WANT to beat Holly if it came down to the two of them. We all know Trump hates any sort of displays of weakness, so he fired Sharon.

I would’ve loved to see a Bret/Sharon finale, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of Bret vs. Holly. If for no other reason, it gives me someone to DEFINITELY root for. (Sorry, Holly — you’re just too much of a pill.)

Before the end of last night, we saw the first half of the final challenge, which had Bret and Holly creating a new flavor of Snapple Iced Tea, along with preparing a commercial, a print ad and a fancy pants presentation. Holly was given Curtis and Maria as helpers, while Bret got assistance from Daryl (waking up from the nap he always seemed on the verge of taking) and Summer, aka Holly’s BFF.

So far, things are stacked in Holly’s favor (almost to a ridiculous degree). She had Curtis represent her in the negotiations for flavor and the smug Aussie (I think I’ll just call him that from now on) absolutely wiped the floor with Nice Guy Bret after the two butted heads over Passion Fruit. Holly ended up creating her Passion Berry drink (Passion fruit + strawberry), while Bret went with a vanilla/cinnamon Tropirocka, after his diabetic-friendly pear and nutmeg drink was met with a resounding thumbs down. (Shocker!)

On top of that, Bret couldn’t get his freakin’ dolly track to shoot his commercial. Indeed, things are not looking good at all for Bret, but I’m not buying it. I’m guessing that dolly track will turn up at the start of next week’s season finale and all will be fine.

More than that, I simply can’t imagine a scenario that involves Bret Michaels making his first live TV appearance after his recent brush with death – only to be “fired” by Donald Trump. I don’t think anyone would call Trump a sentimentalist, but the man is a showman. What could possibly make for a better show than crowning Bret Michaels (back from near death AND a completely worthy winner) as “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

So what’d you think of this episode? What are Cyndi’s thoughts on HBO’s “The Pacific”? Could the final two teams be more random? (I mean, Daryl?! Why?!?!) Why are Curtis and Mario so super-jerky now? Who will stick up for the gays now that Cyndi is gone? Finally, who do you think will win next week?

(NOTE: I apologize in advance because I will NOT have my "Celebrity Apprentice" recap up on Monday. You see, next Sunday is the series finale of "Lost", and there's no way I'm not watching that live.)

The Celebrity Apprentice: Thrust-worthy

How great/entertaining is Bret Michaels (pictured, right) on this show?
Watching him merrily hop around, thrust his pelvis, and hit on anything with two legs for a couple of hours on “The Celebrity Apprentice” made me completely forget that the rocker is presently fighting for his life after suffering a brain hemorrhage. The thought didn’t even pop back into my head until the brief “Get Well Soon” message at the end of the episode.

Fortunately, we were treated to one of the most entertaining (and certainly the most upbeat) episodes in “Celebrity Apprentice” history during this dark time because, let’s be honest — Bret Michaels getting fired (and he WAS the lowest fundraiser on the losing team) would’ve sucked!

After introducing us to his adorable son Barron (OF COURSE his name is “Barron”) and reacquainting us with his wife Melania (WTF — Why the Face, Melania?!) Trump reorganized the teams and introduced this week’s challenge. The new RockSolid consisted of Bret, Sharon and Maria, while Holly, Curtis, Cyndi and Summer made up Team Tenacity. Since I love Bret on this show — and Sharon and Maria were probably my two favorite players on Tenacity — you can guess which new team I favored. Sharon was even more excited than I was because it meant she got away from the snippiness of Tenacity. And, by “Tenacity”, I mean Holly.

For this week’s challenge, each team created an exercise class for a 24-Hour Fitness center. This was a fundraising task that pitted the two strongest fundraisers — Sharon and Holly — against each other as project managers. 24-Hour Fitness would also donate $24,000 to the team who created the best class.

Team RockSolid almost immediately came up with their “Work Out Like a Rock Star” concept and basically proceeded to play the entire time. I would have worried about them spending too much time goofing around and not enough time actually ironing out their concept, but the trio was having WAY too much fun for me to care.

RockSolid’s brainstorming session resulted in instant-classic “exercise moves”, such as the “tour bus thrust” (which Trump Jr. would like to see Bret demonstrate — ick), “praying to the porcelain God” (which Trump Sr. had never heard of), the “ménage a trios” (which got nixed for some reason), and the “pump up the weiner” (which got nixed for VERY obvious reasons). During this entire time, Bret went from hitting on Mickey the (disapproving) fitness instructor, to flirting with Lindsay the graphic designer, to checking out Maria while she practiced the moves.

Meanwhile, Team Tenacity — minus Cyndi, who left the first day to hang out with Lady GaGa and to be stalked by David Hasselhoff — was all business. In fact, they were SO businesslike, that their lack of fun or excitement became their defining storyline. Well, that and Holly potentially alienating all her fundraising resources for this task. There were also the unintentional laughs mined from their “Buns and Guns” concept and logo. (Sorry, but that little cartoon butt made me snicker every time they showed it.)

For each donation on this challenge, each team had to have a(n unwitting) physical body to actually take the class. This initially seemed like it was going to be a problem for Tenacity because the turnout at their first class was pathetic. It didn’t help matters that the representative from 24-Hour Fitness was observing Summer and Curtis during their abysmally-attended first class. (Oh well, at least Cyndi’s adorable mom showed up to support them.)

Fortunately for Tenacity, things picked up after that, and Holly Robinson Peete willed the gym’s fax machine to shoot out every donation she needed, including a $50,000 gift by Ron Burkle. (I’m pretty sure Holly mentioned his name enough times last night.)

Over on RockSolid, Maria led a rowdy, raucous class while Sharon walked around the room ready to (literally) whip people into shape. Lest you think Bret Michaels was laying low during all this, he actually got straddled in the middle of some “tour bus thrusts” by a married woman who had told him earlier that she was on his “Celebrity Freebie” list. Needless to say, Team RockSolid won the $24,000 for their more original, enjoyable exercise class. (I imaging 24-Hour Fitness will tone the concept WAY down.)

However, in a turn of events that sorta shocked me, Holly absolutely crushed Sharon in terms of fundraising, almost doubling the $100,000+ Sharon had brought in. The main reason I pegged Sharon as the inevitable winner is because of her combination of star power, entertainment value AND fundraising. Then I thought about it a bit more, and I realized that — as the great philosopher Rod Blagojevich might say — Holly “prematurely ejaculated” with her fundraising resources. On flip side, I suspect that Sharon held back a few of her resources for the finale.

That’s IF Sharon got to the finale. For a little while there, it seemed that someone from RockSolid (Bret, NO!!) would be booted. It looked like that person was going to be Sharon after Holly “tittle-tattled” on her by bringing up her desire to quit earlier. Sharon even seemed more than willing to accept the firing.

Then I glanced at my clock, saw that it was 10:55 p.m. and realized that both teams were still in the boardroom — Trump wasn’t going to fire anyone! Usually, I feel it’s a copout when a reality show eliminates no one, but given what’s happening in real life this week, I’m more than happy to make an exception if it means keeping RockSolid intact. This is also further evidence that Sharon has this in the bag —if Trump didn’t fire her this week, he’s never going to let her go!

So what’d you think of this episode? Who will Cyndi Lauper jet off to hang out with next? (David Hasselhoff?!) Who looks better shirtless — Bret or Curtis? Finally, which celebrities are on your “list”? (And, ladies, how far do we have to go until we get to Bret Michaels on your list?)

The Celebrity Apprentice: With a Trace

So it turns out that Sharon Osbourne IS still alive.

I was starting to have my doubts after she missed all of last week and began this episode on the sidelines. Unfortunately, Sharon’s return couldn’t fully enliven what turned out to be a particularly tedious episode of “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

Between a mind-numbing conflict in which two of my favorites (Cyndi and Maria) both came out looking bad, a male country music singer and his aversion to necklaces and smiling, and the repeated use of the word “bandana”, I didn’t love an episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” for the first time this season. (The fact that Trump didn’t announce he was bringing back Rod Blagojevich to replace Michael Johnson may have also had something to do with it.)

This week’s tasks had the teams reinventing Luke Bryan and Emily West, a pair of country music artists on the rise. (Or so they tell me – I know a bit about country music, but not enough to know who Luke Bryan and Emily West are.) They’d have to create a press kit, do a makeover and maximize the singers’ breakout potential.

Fortunately, Luke and Emily were accompanied by the episode’s major bright spot – season 1 runner-up Trace Adkins (pictured, right). I’ll get into his absolute badassery in the boardroom later, but now I’m starting to think that Emily and (especially) Luke suffered by how much they paled in comparison with a legitimate star like Trace Adkins. (Summer couldn’t get over his sheer size/presence.) I was mostly happy we didn’t get Clint Black.

Cyndi Lauper stepped up to lead Team Tenacity because the task involved working with a young musician and she’s a legendary pop star. Goldberg stepped up to lead Team Rocksolid because…he hadn’t been project manager yet. I actually understand the thinking behind Goldberg’s decision (and his desire to play for his charity, given that Bret Michaels has already won $100,000 for his), but it would ultimately prove to be his undoing.

The teams met with both artists. Team Tenacity (mostly just Cyndi) decided she wanted to work with Emily based on a small sampling of her music, while the men, after extensive research by the well-connected Bret, decided it didn’t really matter. (Hokay.)

The men picked Luke and got to work after a weird, brief scene that Goldberg asking Luke what color his eyes were as well as Curtis and Luke exchanging shirts to prove they were the same size (methinks the real reason was to get Curtis shirtless). Bret did his best to push Luke out of his comfort zone and build a little hype around him, but it proved to be quite a challenge. I admire that Luke had a voice and wasn’t just willing to go along with ANYTHING Bret said, but that same quality kind of made him a bit of a joyless pain in the butt to work with. Bret also prepped him for his interview with People Country magazine, but Luke you know almost immediately forgot every tip that you know Bret had given him about you know having energy and you know never mentioning how tired you are.

As annoying as that was, it wasn’t half as bad as what was going on with Team Tenacity.

Cyndi took control of the task, much to the chagrin of Holly – who’s never really had much patience with Cyndi – and Maria, whose childhood vision of Cyndi was crushed after this episode. The younger women complained about how Cyndi was condescending and marginalizing them in this task and Sharon wasn’t around to defend her like she has in the past.

Not to be too much of a Cyndi Lauper apologist, but I don’t honestly think she was trying to always interrupt Maria and Holly or that she thought they were idiots – I just think that’s how she works. It’s an incredibly infuriating method for those around her, but that’s how a lot of creative people are. They’re scattershot and condescending, but they don’t mean to be. I was disappointed that Maria, a really strong player, took it so personally and let it derail her during the task and in the boardroom. As Trace (who got off a good Piers Morgan/Ozzy Osbourne joke that looked like it was going to make Sharon REALLY upset for a split second) put it during his visit with the women, this task is basically tailor-made for Cyndi, so the smart thing to do is just to stand back and let her do her thing (and you give her enough rope to hang herself in case they lose).

In what was probably the most closely-contested challenge, the men won handily with their airbrushed press materials (Trump seemed physically ill at having to look at the Emily’s un-retouched photos in her kit), the women won with the makeover, and the women somehow won the weirdly nebulous “breakout success” criteria that wasn’t ever properly explained. Emily having most of the life sucked out her during her interview and Luke bombing his didn’t really seem to play into the final decision. Whatever.

As much as Trump tried by repeating the word “bandana” 27 times, the boardroom was dominated by Trace Adkins. I liked that he stood and took his hat off when the women entered the room. I enjoyed the sly look he and Bret exchanged when Maria was talking about pushing up Emily’s breasts during her makeover. I liked when he grumpily blurted out, “Enough with the bandana.” Most of all, I LOVED that he had the guts to disagree with Trump during the Donald’s customary “I made the correct decision, right” butt-kissing convention. Even if I disagree with Trace’s premise that Bret deserved to be fired, it was worth it for Trump’s reaction – it was as if someone had slapped him in the face.

Anyway, it was Goldberg’s time to go. Whether he delegated 95%, 90%, 87% or 70% of the task to Bret, the point is that it was WAY too much. Since almost everyone agreed that Bret did a good job, it was bye bye Goldberg, an elimination that made Bret feel sick to his stomach. Trump inexplicably and harshly chastised Bret for expressing that emotion, but Bret won me over again by replying that he may have won that day, but “I lost my friend.”

So what’d you think of this episode? How would Trump look in a bandana? Did you know there was a “People Country”? Are you a “skin man” like Trump? Finally, the most important question of all – is Maria shaved or hairy?

The Celebrity Apprentice: Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk-y Godfather

“Funky god-FA-ther…funky god-FAAAA-ther, yeahhhh!” (Sorry about getting that stuck in your head again.)

I’ve obviously had a lot of fun times watching this ridiculous show.

However, the funnest of fun times on “Celebrity Apprentice” usually come from watching these people make a commercial.

Don’t believe me? Allow me to present Exhibit A: last season when the celebs were tasked with creating a commercial/viral video for All detergent, we got a bunch of midgets beating up Jesse James (turns out those midgets were WAY ahead of their time) and Clint Black implying that he uses All detergent to masturbate. Seriously.

The latest apprentices didn’t quite reach those heights of lunacy, but they sure tried. (Did I mention that Sharon was out of this episode entirely with an illness, Cyndi Lauper missed 80% of the task to hang out with President Obama and that a celebrity would leave the show later on?!)

The episode got off to a promisingly loopy start when Trump presented the challenge, which involved creating a 30-second TV commercial, and a 10-second online spot for Right Guard Total Defense 5 deodorant. The ads would star former NBA superstars Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler.

After Holly Robinson Peete and Curtis Stone stepped up as project managers for their respective teams, Trump gave the players a chance to win an additional $10,000 for their project managers. But before he did that, he stepped up to the foul line while still wearing his coat and swished a funky-looking, semi-jump shot (pictured, left). Obviously, I immediately assumed it was HEAVILY edited to make it look like he made it, but then I got to thinking that this show is insane enough that the Donald maybe DID actually make it on his first try.

And then, I saw the attempts from Bret Michaels and Goldberg (the ones where they pathetically air-balled) and then I convinced myself that there’s no way Trump made his shot on the first try. Instead, it was Maria, looking like a badass in her heels, who won $10,000 for Holly’s charity by banking in her free throw attempt.

The teams met with the Right Guard execs, who wanted to focus on boys in their teens. (If they wanted to rope in boys in their teens, maybe they should’ve gotten NBA stars from this decade – does anyone under the age of 15 know who Clyde Drexler is?! Curtis certainly didn’t, but that’s because he’s Australian.) Holly flat-out told the execs that she was going to aim her campaign at the mothers who buy the deodorant.

For Rocksolid, Brett had a vision about a man showing up in a door, dropping his luggage and revealing a bunch of different sticks of Right Guard deodorant. Or something. No one can really follow Bret when he’s brainstorming. Bret’s ideas were so ambitious that even he had serious doubts as to whether they’d be able to execute them in the time allotted and begged Curtis to shoot a more modestly-scaled spot. After a brief freakout, Curtis decided to plow ahead with Bret’s original plan.

Of course, that was only the second most significant Bret-related drama in the episode. When the promos showed him taking a call about his daughter getting a diabetus (sic) test, I cynically assumed that it would either turn out to be a minor fakeout and that she’d be fine, or an overblown source of manufactured drama. I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a little emotional watching Bret struggle with his guilt over passing on diabetus to his daughter. “The Celebrity Apprentice” – making me care about washed up, rock star man-whores since 2010!

Anyway, Holly took control on the women’s side and came up with the idea of casting Scottie Pippen as a Funky Godfather who was always creepily lurking around corners with his deodorant wand and ready to pounce when he was needed. On paper this sounded like an absolutely AWFUL idea, but add in that insidiously catchy jingle (Clint Black’s “Chicken of the Sea”, you’ve been served!) and a truly funny 30-second commercial and I’ll be damned once again if I didn’t think it was a great little commercial. My greatest hope is that Scottie Pippen will be best known as the Funky Godfather from here on out (and not as the sidekick for that Jordan guy). As soon as I heard the words “funky godfather” I KNEW they were going to dress Pippen up as a pimp.

Unfortunately for the women, it was a three-pronged task and, though they won the 30-second spot handily, they lost on the 10-second online ad (they mailed it in by re-using footage from the 30-second commercial) and in brand integration. The commercial also missed its intended target audience. I actually happen to agree with Holly that it’d be smart to market to the moms who actually buy the stuff, but the executives wanted ads that appealed to young boys (basketballs to the stomach/groin ALWAYS work) and that’s what she should’ve given them.

Basically, the women lost because of Holly. Trump announced that he wouldn’t fire Sharon because she was sick and that Cyndi was untouchable because she was away for most of the task. (I actually think both should’ve been fair game.) That left Holly no choice but to bring Maria and Selita back to the boardroom.

Maria was brought back because of some minor technical issue in the commercial that didn’t really matter, but it was something Holly could attack her for. Maria, to her credit brought the fight right back to Holly. Selita was brought back to the boardroom because, while George was checking up on Team Tenacity, Selita sat on her ass and didn’t help carry props into the studio for the commercial shoot. That faux pas (and her unwillingness to fight and yell and scream for her place on this absurd show) got her fired.

I’m conflicted. The women lost because of Holly so she deserved to go home. Holly was kind of a bitch (getting jealous about the fact that Cyndi wanted to help make her vocals on the jingle a little better? She’s Cyndi Freakin’ Lauper!!), so I WANTED her to go home. However, Selita seemed totally uninterested and Holly is probably a stronger player and will make for more interesting TV. So to summarize, Holly deserved to go home, I wanted her to go home, but I’m ok with her staying. HUH?!

As if that weren’t puzzling enough, we had Michael Johnson quitting the game prior to the boardroom due to “personal reasons.” I wish I could say I’ll miss him, but Michael Johnson is the recipient of this year’s Clint Black Award, presented to the celebrity surprisingly revealed to be kind of a prick thanks to this show. So, I guess everybody wins!

So what’d you think of this episode? Did the right person go home? Are Portland fans upset that Drexler didn’t wear Trail Blazers gear? Finally, how hilariously inappropriate was it when Trump asked Michael Johnson if he was having trouble in his marriage?

The Celebrity Apprentice: Failure to Communicate

Is Rod Blagojevich the dumbest, most incompetent person in the history of the world or is he some sort of evil genius?

Now, if you’re looking at the picture accompanying this recap, you’re probably thinking that the word “genius” has no business being in the same sentence as the word “Blagojevich.” (He had his sunglasses on — his eyes could’ve been open!)

On top of that, the serial introducer (even when no one was around on the flight to Orlando, he said “Hi, how are ya” to the camera) has been the biggest non-Cyndi Lauper source of unintentional comedy this season.

But hear me out. Blago obviously has a big trial coming up. What if presenting himself as a computer-illiterate buffoon is part of his master plan to appear completely incompetent. (Perhaps SO incompetent that he’s not fit to stand trial.) It could happen right? RIGHT?! (Help me out here: I’m trying to give the people of Illinois the benefit of the doubt by not assuming that they elected someone with the mental capacity of a dim eight year old to run their state.)

Ok, you’re right — he’s probably just a dumbo.

And as of today, he’s a dumbo that will be sorely missed on this season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” because few before (and I suspect after) him delivered the (accidental) funny on such a consistent basis.

As Trump said a few times (he said a lot of things a few times — they were struggling to fill two hours last night), this challenge was all about communication. And Harry Potter. But mostly communication.

The project managers — Rod for RockSolid and Selita Ebanks for Tenacity — were whisked away from their teams and flown to Orlando so they could get first-hand intel for the week’s challenge: creating an interactive display to promote Universal Studios’ new Wizarding World of Harry Potter ride.

Selita was at a distinct advantage because she’s operated a technological device in the last five years. As a result, she was able to send her team camera-phone pictures of hard-to-decipher drawings and keep them posted of her activities. Blago, on the other hand, just learned how to answer his cell five minutes ago. If the challenge hadn’t been announced AFTER the project managers were chosen, I would’ve believed that Michael Johnson (who nominated Blago as project manager) deliberately set up the ex-governor.

All that being said, I actually agreed with the governor when he said that his lack of communication skills was probably blown out of proportion. To me, his biggest failing was that his trip to Orlando ended up being a gigantic waste of time because he got so many of the “Harry Potter”-related facts wrong during the interactive display and presentation. (More on that later.) As a “Harry Potter” fan, THAT was more offensive to me than him not being able to text.

Although it was painfully obvious Team Tenacity was destined to win, things weren’t all rosy with the women. Cyndi had tried introducing a dry-erase board that would outline everyone’s specific tasks (aw, she’s being all structured) only to be met with eye rolls from Summer Sanders and, especially, Holly Robinson-Peete.

That prompted Sharon to come to Cyndi’s defense by stating that they should be happy Cyndi’s there because watching the likes of Holly and Summer would be like watching “ice melt.” While I don’t totally agree with this statement — I think Sharon and Holly will be the last two women standing — Sharon was simply reiterating the point that “making for good TV” absolutely determines how far you make it in “The Celebrity Apprentice.” It’s why Cyndi survived week 1. It’s also the reason the Donald did everything in his power to not fire Blago.

After I saw the women’s display — loved the special effect by Summer Sanders, and LOVED the spotlight that came on when the wand chose each kid — I turned to my girlfriend Erica and said, “There’s no way the men won.” I mean, even Cyndi’s battiness was put to excellent use (“MUGGLES AND WIZARDS, MUGGLES AND WIZARDS!”) The only real problem I saw was Selita’s attempt at a busted English accent during her presentation — especially when Sharon (and her authentic English accent) was standing a few feet away. Oh well.

At least the men had fun with how horrible their presentation was. (It’s actually a microcosm of the season — the men are more entertaining, but the women end up winning.) Their display featured Goldberg doing double duty as the Whomping Willow (he almost passed out, and Trump mocked him for it, leading to a weird/tense moment in the boardroom) and the Sorting Hat. At least Goldberg got the name of the houses correctly.

As Bret broke it down for us, the men also had Headmaster Blagojovich (“Hi, how are ya?”) talking about “Hogworth” (instead of Hogwarts) and the different classes (instead of houses) like Ravencloth (instead of Ravenclaw). (I'm shocked he didn't say "Henry Potter" at least once.) There was also Michael Johnson as an “Evil Monk of Darkness”, Curtis Stone saying things like “I’m gonna let you use my wand just once” and lots and lots of fog. The whole thing looked like a cheap amusement park haunted house, which is actually what Bret was going for.

During the boardroom, Trump did everything short of telling Blago, “If you don’t bring Bret back with you, I have no choice but to fire you, and I don’t want to do that because you’re reality TV gold.” Earlier in the episode, I let the thought that Blago was crazy like a fox creep into my mind. I thought maybe he’d passed along all the responsibility to Bret knowing full-well that he could later cite Bret as the reason they lost and knowing full well that Trump did not want to fire him.

But no. In a weird display of misguided integrity (where was that during his time as governor?) Blagojevich flat-out refused to put any blame for RockSolid’s loss on Bret’s shoulders. Instead, he brought Curtis and Michael back to the boardroom because he didn’t like that they were sitting and eating ribs when he came back from Orlando (at least that’s my theory).

It’s just as well. I do NOT believe Trump would’ve fired Bret Michaels, even if Blago had brought him back to the boardroom. I just think Trump wanted to make the boardroom at least a little interesting.

If Bret had been a more boring personality, I could maybe see Trump pulling the trigger. However, on top of deserving to stay on merit, Bret is also CLEARLY the second most entertaining person on Team RockSolid. To me, it doesn’t make sense to dump someone who makes really good TV and is somewhat competent (Bret) in favor of someone who makes great TV (Blago).

Goodbye, Rod Blagojevich. I found it perfectly fitting that one of his last acts on the show was introducing himself to the elevator operator on his way out. The man may not be able to type a sentence or send an email, but he can sure as well introduce himself to people.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there anyone Bret Michaels won’t hit on? (This time it was Erin Burnett — do we even want him to stop?) Did you like the way that promo piece of paper looked when surrounded by those Gryffindor scarves? (Blago sure didn’t.) Finally, why does Holly Robinson-Peete act like her charity is more important than anyone else’s?

The Celebrity Apprentice: The Straw That Broke The Donald's Back

Being on “The Celebrity Apprentice” is hard!

There are various phone calls to be made and goofy hats to wear. Even worse, they make you wake up at the ungodly hour of “some time before noon.”

But we’ll get into why we had our second celebrity in three seasons quit a little later.

I have to begin with a very important question: what kind of child makes it his dying wish to meet Donald Trump? Not to completely belittle the seven-year-old boy (who DID bear more than a passing resemblance to the Donald) Maria met when she delivered her check to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but really?! That’s your wish, kid? Is it safe to assume you’re suffering from some sort of mental illness?

(It’s a good thing that it was painfully obvious the producers of this show put him up to it, because we all know NO ONE’S dying wish is to hang out at the finale of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” I just hope the kid’s actual wish gets granted as well.)

Anyway, let’s get on to this week’s task, which was to create a four-page advertorial featuring a celebrity spokesperson for a joint, identity-protection venture between Lifelock and Norton. (Yes, it even works for a Mac.)

Advertorial: an extended newspaper or magazine text advertisement that promotes the advertiser’s product, services or special point of view, but resembles an editorial in style and layout.

That’s the Dictionary.com definition for “advertorial” and I’m convinced that Team RockSolid project manager Michael Johnson googled the word and saw what it meant, like I just did. Unfortunately, he also decided to follow the dictionary definition of the word to the letter at the expense of making his team’s advertorial interesting, eye-catching or even factual.

Johnson ignored the pleas of Brett Michaels, who “as a graphic designer” (Trump calling his BS in the boardroom later was actually excellent) suggested they color a bit outside the lines. Sadly for Brett, he’d gotten himself semi-banished to the fringes for the second week in a row after a poor showing during Team RockSolid’s meeting with the Lifelock/Norton executives. (I actually think Brett is still talking in his business-speak gibberish.)

If this were “Survivor”, I’d suggest that Brett form an alliance with Rod, since both guys are constantly ignored and disrespected by their teammates. (And because they’re the two most entertaining guys on the team.) You can’t 100% blame the rest of the team for not taking them seriously — I mean, this IS Brett Michaels and Rod “I never EVER learned how to type” Blagojevich (pictured, left) we’re talking about. However, the desire to compete and contribute is there (which is not the case when you’re talking about a certain ex-baseball player) and, at least in Brett’s case, there seems to be some untapped creative potential.

On the other hand, if Rod keeps getting sent out to do menial tasks, I do believe he’d shake the hand of every single New Yorker (and most tourists visiting from out of town). A highlight of the episode was Daryl Strawberry telling Rod that, in New York, you can’t stop to shake hands and that you have to keep moving — two seconds later, Rod said hi to the very next person he saw…but he kept moving. (I guess he’s learning.) A lowlight of the episode — Rod saying, almost out of nowhere, “We’re prematurely ejaculating.” Well then.

On the women’s side, Summer Sanders was in charge. Let me rephrase that — Summer Sanders was project manager, but didn’t really do an awful lot of managing. What she did do was say “Uh” and “Um” a lot. She also did a bang up job of appearing absolutely flustered when Trump Jr. stopped by to check on Team Tenacity’s progress.

Summer has to be one of the worst, ineffective project managers to ever win a task on thi show. That’s right, the women somehow pulled it together in the end. In fact, the one good decision Summer seemed to make was naming Sharon Osbourne (not Cyndi Lauper) as their celebrity spokesperson — because there’s nothing scarier than Sharon Osbourne in a leather jacket. All kidding aside, the women’s advertorial was more eye-catching and better-produced than the men’s and they deserved the win, despite lacking a call to action.

It looked like it was going to be a lot closer than it was after the presentations. I mean, the men’s was hopelessly boring after Michael Johnson took over from Curtis Stone but at least it didn’t feature a malfunctioning laptop (why do these women keep having problems with technology?) and a swearing, coughing Sharon Osbourne. (Also, why did the men have microphones at the start of their presentation? There were only two people in the audience and they were eight feet away?)

In the boardroom, Summer somehow managed to make herself look worse by attacking Cyndi Lauper for distracting from the task and then taking it back. I get that Cyndi Lauper’s craziness can be a bit of a distraction, but what I really HATED was Summer’s completely condescending explanation to Cyndi about how she loves her “stories.” To paraphrase Sharon Osbourne, “Shut the f--- up!” Her wishy-washiness was every bit as infuriating as Michael Johnson’s misguided stubbornness.

Maybe I feel that way because I enjoy Cyndi on this show. In fact, my most surprising Cyndi-related development was the fact that she apparently DOES watch this show. (She referenced Dennis Rodman’s drinking problem last year.) After the season premiere, I wasn’t even sure she owned a TV.

The men lost and the tea leaves were saying Michael Johnson was going home. That is until Daryl Strawberry raised his hand and asked to go home.

It didn’t come as a major shock. Last week, Daryl admitted that he had been lazy. This week, he lamented how hard it is for a celebrity to actually wake up in the morning. I’d make even more fun of Daryl for this completely ridiculous statement (especially coming from a former professional athlete) and for quitting if I didn’t believe that there was a chance that he has a really serious problem. There’s a chance the guy just misses his family, but the man does have a very famous history with substance abuse (and he was looking pretty rough toward the end of his run on this show). I wouldn’t be surprised if being on “The Celebrity Apprentice” made him want to do drugs again (he wouldn’t be the only one), and he just needed to go.

Then again maybe he’s just a lazy quitter who wants to hang around his house and NOT raise money for autism. Either way, the worst part of Daryl’s exit was his attempt to make it look like he was willing to get himself fired to save Michael, and not because he wanted to go home. If I had been Trump, I would’ve fired Strawberry and then I would’ve turned around and fired Michael Johnson. You know, because he was the reason his team lost and he deserved to be fired.

Oh well. Now Daryl Strawberry fans have an entirely new reason to be ashamed of rooting for him. Yay.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Curtis wear an apron next week? (Probably. Great call by Selita.) Does Trump really know Michael Johnson better than he knows himself? (What was THAT statement about?) Finally, what does the word “advertorial” mean to YOU?

The Celebrity Apprentice: Guilty as Sinbad

“It’s a Kodak world. Welcome.”

If you’re a “Celebrity Apprentice” nut like me (highly unlikely, I know), you recognize those immortal words from Gene Simmons during season 1, when he convinced himself that he’d created the greatest advertising slogan of all time and basically dared Donald Trump to fire him (which he did).

It was a Kodak world (welcome) once again last night when both teams were charged with creating a Kodak storefront experience. And even though the episode didn’t reach the loony heights of that Gene Simmons classic, there was still plenty of fun to be had.

Before Trump stepped out of his limo (I guess he’s done walking) and presented Team RockSolid and Team Tenacity with their task, we saw Bret Michaels present a $100,000 check to his diabetes charity. More specifically, we saw a little kid and a mildly freaked out teenager with an uncomfortable smile plastered on his face sit quietly and nod as Brett tried in vain to put them at ease with his sense of humor. I’m guessing the combination of Bret’s makeup and his insistence on pronouncing diabetes as “dia-bee-tus” is what scared them. (I wonder what they would’ve thought of Bret’s introduction of the word “dis-com-boo-berated” into the lexicon last night.)

Anyway, Trump introduced the task and asked for project managers. The women of Tenacity somewhat arbitrarily settled on Maria Kanellis, while Rod Blagojevich somewhat arbitrarily settled on Sinbad, and the rest of the men went along with it.

Despite the fact that she was seemingly chosen at random, Maria tore into the task enthusiastically. In fact, her biggest “challenge” during the preparation stage was bladder-challenged Cyndi Lauper who (if we’re to believe the editing) is SO annoying that Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks would rather practically jump out of a moving vehicle in the middle of traffic than have to endure sitting next to Cyndi when she’s talking. Personally, I’m loving me some Cyndi Lauper (especially when she’s talking to herself/traffic while carrying a giant rug), even if she is the “hooker” of the team.

It also appeared the women had a problem on their hands when Sharon Osbourne took ill and missed the second half of the first day. That turned out to be a non-issue except for the part where Maria (in her biggest misstep of the day) inexplicably put Sharon on the food stand during the challenge. Oh well, at least all the people who undoubtedly got sick that day can claim that they caught celebrity germs.

On the other side, I was happy to see that Sinbad appeared to know what he was talking about because no one else did!

Certainly not Bret Michaels, who tried to coax an assignment out of Sinbad before getting frustrated and giving himself a time out. But if “Celebrity Apprentice 3” has taught us something in its young life, it’s this — Bret Michaels’ mom didn’t raise no dummy! Bret realized the crew was filming him isolating himself and looking frustrated. Bret is a veteran of THREE “Rock of Loves” — the man understands reality show editing, and the man was getting the Malcontent Edit!

He demanded an assignment from Sinbad, who spouted more nonsense, but eventually lead to the guys going out in the streets of New York City and creating Kodak moments. (Bret’s Kodak moment apparently involves getting hoisted by his “cojones.”)

The women may have the genius of Cyndi Lauper on their side, but the men have the ferocious double shot of Bret and Rod Blagojevich on their side. Just when I think the guy can’t get any sleazier (asking the cameraman, “Did you get that?” after shaking a guy’s hand during a confessional and claiming he’s part of something called the “Fellowship of Doers”), he comes back with a weirdly zealous and endearing affection for balloons (GOLDENROD!), inspiring Sinbad’s sole funny riff of the night.

The task began and the women seemed more organized and on the ball. In fact, they were doing so well that Trump, sitting in his office and monitoring the action, decided to even the score a bit by pulling a giant switch labeled “Power” and blacking out the women’s store whenever they pulled too far ahead. (At least that’s how I imagined it happening in my head.) The repeated power outages (probably due to all the products the women were displaying) caused a logjam in the Kodak Moments stations, where many of the visitors (including Secret Shopper Lauren) couldn’t find their pictures.

I forgot to mention — the Kodak bigwigs, in their infinite sneakiness, sent a Secret Shopper to each Kodak store. Secret Shopper James visited the men’s store and was pretty much on his own.

Team RockSolid decided to heavily rely on their celebrity and had set up stations where visitors could pose with the various celebrities in their (un)natural environments. (Blagojevich had no natural environment, so he was relegated to taking pictures.) Unfortunately, they neglected showing off the Kodak products (which is why we were all here last night — to sell Kodak products) and the cards that were supposed to send people online to find their pictures apparently didn’t work. (To me, that was a bigger faux-pas.)

The product knowledge put the women over the top (Summer Sanders has a job waiting for her at Kodak after she gets fired), and Maria won $20,000 for the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

The men had to face Trump in a relatively drama-free boardroom, since it was pretty clear Sinbad was going home. There was some attempt to place blame on Bret, who had also shown up a scandalous ten minutes late during day 2 (“stupid early” in rocker time), but pretty much everyone agreed that Bret is a stronger overall player than Sinbad.

Sinbad (who’d brought Bret and Blago) back with him never had a chance. This show hates stand-up comedians. Don’t believe me? Andrew Dice Clay was the first person sent home last season, and this year the two comedians (Sinbad and Carol Leifer) have already been sent packing. The real highlight of this portion was Sharon Osborne’s hilarious commentary while watching the men in the boardroom. She called Michael Johnson a “dumbo” and speculated that Goldbert had a “little d---.” This was funny stuff, but Sharon is technically not a comedian, so she should be safe.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s more humiliating — being told, “You’re a disgrace, enjoy prison” or being mistaken for Donny Osmond (pictured, left)? What the hell was on Maria’s head during the first day? (A hat, an adornment, her hair?) Finally, how long before Cyndi and Trump get into an all-out shouting match? (I love their not-so-secretly antagonistic relationship.)

The Celebrity Apprentice: Fine Dining

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – watching (but not recapping) last year’s completely bananas season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” was my biggest (TV-related) regret of the last year.

I’d watched and enjoyed season 1, but there was nothing that could’ve prepared me for the instant classic that was season 2. The Dennis Rodman intervention. Tom Green being one of the more even-tempered and reasonable people in the cast. Annie Duke vs. Joan and Melissa Rivers. Jesse James stubbornly refusing to use wife Sandra Bullock as a fundraising tool. Clint Black turning out to be kind of a dick.

I saw and loved it all from the beginning, but since I hadn’t recapped the premiere (and because I’m a silly completist) I stupidly decided that there was no way I could write recaps for the rest of the season.

Well, not this time baby! After catching the season 3 premiere (which got off to a wonderfully ludicrous start when Trump eschewed his limo by saying “You know what? I’m walking” and lumbering over to Grand Central Station on foot), I’m VERY encouraged with what’s to come.

We couldn’t have asked for a better matchup in a premiere that pitted Bret “I dare you not to look at my resplendent chest during my confessionals” Michaels vs. Cyndi “WAY too good for TV and WAY too famous to be eliminated in the first episode” Lauper.

At their meeting in Grand Central Station, Trump had announced an interesting new wrinkle – each team would be able to select their opponent’s project manager. The women quickly selected Bret, who had announced that he was working on one hour of sleep. (The fact that he’s Bret Michaels was likely a big factor as well.) The men claimed they were targeting a strong player when they picked Cyndi Lauper, but I liked Bret’s rationale (and his self-awareness about likely being selected by the women) that Cyndi’s flighty nature could cause some trouble.

Each team also had to select names, with the women settling on “Tenacity” and the men choosing “RockSolid.” Trump (and I) liked “Tenacity” more, but I’m just glad the men talked themselves out of “Rock Hard.”

The challenge was for each team to run a diner for three hours and the team that raised the most money would win. There was an awkward moment in the boardroom when Trump made a crack (cocaine) about Daryl Strawberry knowing all the spots in New York City, including several the ladies wouldn’t want to know about. Yikes!

The men appeared to have a clear advantage in this challenge with celebrity chef Curtis Stone on their side. However, it turned out Stone’s biggest contribution wasn’t his truffle risotto – it was his suggestion that the men set a(n obscenely) high price point for their burgers. Stone’s second biggest contribution was not laughing in Trump’s face when the Donald randomly boasted that he did better with women. The men’s burgers started at $100, while most of the women’s food was a considerably less ridiculous $25.

Although the men had the monster advantage of having Curtis on their side (and Bret was smart and ego-free enough to defer), the editors did a nice job of making this one seem closer than it was.

For example, as soon as Joan Rivers showed her face (I was on Team Annie Duke) and Trump dispatched her to assess the two restaurants with a $10,000 boost at stake, I just KNEW the women would win that mini-challenge. (Although a cold burger courtesy of Rod “I’m innocent of all charges” Blagojevich didn’t help matters.) The women’s restaurant (featuring poster shots taken by a friendly paparazzo) was also packed throughout the three hours. In fact, it turned out that the restaurant was so full that some of Holly Robinson Peete’s higher rollers never got through the door. Oops. At least the people who did manage to get in were treated to an accordion-accompanied performance of “True Colors.” (Hey, Cyndi still sounds great!)

The men’s restaurant got off to a slower start, but once they started getting a steady stream of people I figured they had it in the bag. I mean, if you’re going to over charge for a burger (and $25 IS over charging) why not go all-out and see if people are willing wildly overpay for the privilege of rubbing elbows with the likes of Bill Goldberg. (Or, more accurately, rubbing his biceps.)

Even with the $10,000 Trump Tip, the women still got crushed by the men leading to a terrific boardroom where the real fun started.

Obviously, a few of the “celebrities” (I honestly can never remember the Victoria Secret model’s name without looking it up, and neither can you) had their moments (especially Bret, Cyndi and Blago), but the star of the show is still Trump. As if he’d ever let us forget it.

When he asked Cyndi about her fundraising, she brought up the fact that her only ultra-wealthy friend was Trump nemesis Rosie O’Donnell, eliciting a hilariously inappropriate reaction of, “Ugh, she’s disgusting.” (Diplomacy, be damned!) As if that wasn’t enough, when Trump mentioned that Rosie had shown up at his wedding, Cyndi unintentionally dissed him by asking, “Which wedding?” That followed an earlier confessional when Cyndi expressed dismay about Donald calling Rosie fat when Donald himself, “is not a thin man.” I also loved her astonishment at the fact that Trump Jr. had access to who was each team’s top 4 earners.

I love me some Cyndi Lauper (I didn’t even mention her wild non-hairdo in the boardroom). From her extreme hesitance to blame other people, it’s obvious she’s never seen this show (or any other reality show). In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn she doesn’t own a TV.

Unfortunately, the rest of the women followed Cyndi’s lead and refused to name a scapegoat, so I was happy to hear Trump finally bellow, “Answer the goddamn f---ing question.” By that time, the women had gotten it in their heads that Carol was somehow to blame for their loss and she got fired.

I guess she did TOO good of a job as the “carnival barker” and led to their restaurant getting overcrowded. More likely, Trump just wanted to get rid of the least famous/attractive person in the group. (Victoria Secret model and WWE wrestler girl may be less famous, but at least Trump can still ogle them.) It’s too bad for Carol because she showed an impressive amount of guts and resourcefulness (squeezing $10,000 out of Trump for her charity, the North Shore Animal League) that would’ve likely come in handy for the women down the line.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it actually “brave” of Blagojevich to appear on this show? (Seeing as how he blatantly views this as some sort of public image rehab, I think he’s sleazier than ever. He helped me remember why people don’t like politicians) Who knew Bret Michaels pronounced the word diabetes ala Wilford Brimley? (Dia-bee-tus) Finally, who do you see going all the way? (Judging from the first episode, I think it’s going to be VERY difficult for anybody to stop Sharon Osbourne – assuming she doesn’t assault any of her teammates.)