The Celebrity Apprentice: Fine Dining

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – watching (but not recapping) last year’s completely bananas season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” was my biggest (TV-related) regret of the last year.

I’d watched and enjoyed season 1, but there was nothing that could’ve prepared me for the instant classic that was season 2. The Dennis Rodman intervention. Tom Green being one of the more even-tempered and reasonable people in the cast. Annie Duke vs. Joan and Melissa Rivers. Jesse James stubbornly refusing to use wife Sandra Bullock as a fundraising tool. Clint Black turning out to be kind of a dick.

I saw and loved it all from the beginning, but since I hadn’t recapped the premiere (and because I’m a silly completist) I stupidly decided that there was no way I could write recaps for the rest of the season.

Well, not this time baby! After catching the season 3 premiere (which got off to a wonderfully ludicrous start when Trump eschewed his limo by saying “You know what? I’m walking” and lumbering over to Grand Central Station on foot), I’m VERY encouraged with what’s to come.

We couldn’t have asked for a better matchup in a premiere that pitted Bret “I dare you not to look at my resplendent chest during my confessionals” Michaels vs. Cyndi “WAY too good for TV and WAY too famous to be eliminated in the first episode” Lauper.

At their meeting in Grand Central Station, Trump had announced an interesting new wrinkle – each team would be able to select their opponent’s project manager. The women quickly selected Bret, who had announced that he was working on one hour of sleep. (The fact that he’s Bret Michaels was likely a big factor as well.) The men claimed they were targeting a strong player when they picked Cyndi Lauper, but I liked Bret’s rationale (and his self-awareness about likely being selected by the women) that Cyndi’s flighty nature could cause some trouble.

Each team also had to select names, with the women settling on “Tenacity” and the men choosing “RockSolid.” Trump (and I) liked “Tenacity” more, but I’m just glad the men talked themselves out of “Rock Hard.”

The challenge was for each team to run a diner for three hours and the team that raised the most money would win. There was an awkward moment in the boardroom when Trump made a crack (cocaine) about Daryl Strawberry knowing all the spots in New York City, including several the ladies wouldn’t want to know about. Yikes!

The men appeared to have a clear advantage in this challenge with celebrity chef Curtis Stone on their side. However, it turned out Stone’s biggest contribution wasn’t his truffle risotto – it was his suggestion that the men set a(n obscenely) high price point for their burgers. Stone’s second biggest contribution was not laughing in Trump’s face when the Donald randomly boasted that he did better with women. The men’s burgers started at $100, while most of the women’s food was a considerably less ridiculous $25.

Although the men had the monster advantage of having Curtis on their side (and Bret was smart and ego-free enough to defer), the editors did a nice job of making this one seem closer than it was.

For example, as soon as Joan Rivers showed her face (I was on Team Annie Duke) and Trump dispatched her to assess the two restaurants with a $10,000 boost at stake, I just KNEW the women would win that mini-challenge. (Although a cold burger courtesy of Rod “I’m innocent of all charges” Blagojevich didn’t help matters.) The women’s restaurant (featuring poster shots taken by a friendly paparazzo) was also packed throughout the three hours. In fact, it turned out that the restaurant was so full that some of Holly Robinson Peete’s higher rollers never got through the door. Oops. At least the people who did manage to get in were treated to an accordion-accompanied performance of “True Colors.” (Hey, Cyndi still sounds great!)

The men’s restaurant got off to a slower start, but once they started getting a steady stream of people I figured they had it in the bag. I mean, if you’re going to over charge for a burger (and $25 IS over charging) why not go all-out and see if people are willing wildly overpay for the privilege of rubbing elbows with the likes of Bill Goldberg. (Or, more accurately, rubbing his biceps.)

Even with the $10,000 Trump Tip, the women still got crushed by the men leading to a terrific boardroom where the real fun started.

Obviously, a few of the “celebrities” (I honestly can never remember the Victoria Secret model’s name without looking it up, and neither can you) had their moments (especially Bret, Cyndi and Blago), but the star of the show is still Trump. As if he’d ever let us forget it.

When he asked Cyndi about her fundraising, she brought up the fact that her only ultra-wealthy friend was Trump nemesis Rosie O’Donnell, eliciting a hilariously inappropriate reaction of, “Ugh, she’s disgusting.” (Diplomacy, be damned!) As if that wasn’t enough, when Trump mentioned that Rosie had shown up at his wedding, Cyndi unintentionally dissed him by asking, “Which wedding?” That followed an earlier confessional when Cyndi expressed dismay about Donald calling Rosie fat when Donald himself, “is not a thin man.” I also loved her astonishment at the fact that Trump Jr. had access to who was each team’s top 4 earners.

I love me some Cyndi Lauper (I didn’t even mention her wild non-hairdo in the boardroom). From her extreme hesitance to blame other people, it’s obvious she’s never seen this show (or any other reality show). In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn she doesn’t own a TV.

Unfortunately, the rest of the women followed Cyndi’s lead and refused to name a scapegoat, so I was happy to hear Trump finally bellow, “Answer the goddamn f---ing question.” By that time, the women had gotten it in their heads that Carol was somehow to blame for their loss and she got fired.

I guess she did TOO good of a job as the “carnival barker” and led to their restaurant getting overcrowded. More likely, Trump just wanted to get rid of the least famous/attractive person in the group. (Victoria Secret model and WWE wrestler girl may be less famous, but at least Trump can still ogle them.) It’s too bad for Carol because she showed an impressive amount of guts and resourcefulness (squeezing $10,000 out of Trump for her charity, the North Shore Animal League) that would’ve likely come in handy for the women down the line.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it actually “brave” of Blagojevich to appear on this show? (Seeing as how he blatantly views this as some sort of public image rehab, I think he’s sleazier than ever. He helped me remember why people don’t like politicians) Who knew Bret Michaels pronounced the word diabetes ala Wilford Brimley? (Dia-bee-tus) Finally, who do you see going all the way? (Judging from the first episode, I think it’s going to be VERY difficult for anybody to stop Sharon Osbourne – assuming she doesn’t assault any of her teammates.)