Dancing with the Stars: Turn up, Keep up, Shut Up

Those were the wise words last night from head judge Len Goodman.

And they were directed at all the celebrities, who had apparently collectively decided to brattily challenge their pro partners during the testiest edition of “Dancing with the Stars” I can ever remember.

(Len’s not-so-wisest word of the evening? Titivate.)

Let’s dispense with the drama and talk about the couples — who performed either a jive or a foxtrot — in order of appearance.

Shannen Doherty & Mark: Her jive was still a bit stiff, but surprisingly lively and a significant improvement from last week. Still, her biggest victory was that she actually convinced me she wanted to be there. Good for her! I had my concerns after she flipped off Mark during rehearsal. Who knew that would end up being of the more restrained displays of frustration from a celeb last night?

Aiden Turner & Edyta: As ridiculous a person as Edyta can be, I don’t think anybody ever wants to see her cry (as her leg warmers slump sadly toward the ground). All of Aiden’s good humor from last week was gone, and he actually might be a dark horse to be eliminated Tuesday night. Still, he should be safe after his decent foxtrot. More importantly, Edyta got her revenge by nailing him twice in the face with her elbows.

Evan Lysacek & Anna: I can’t exactly put my finger on why, but I’m still not fully aboard the Evan Lysacek train. (Hopefully, they serve cheesecake during train rides.) I think it’s because he dances like a girl. (Sorry, but it’s true — homeboy needs to butch up!) That being said, he’s totally into the show, his jive was appropriately energetic, and his leaps are incredible. (Carrie Ann can’t take a point away if you vault yourself off the ground.)

Niecy Nash & Louis: Despite the revelation that she had NOT become a white man, I thought she was the most improved of the week. She deserved 8s. Her foxtrot was an airy, thoroughly charming delight. I’m guessing the judges withheld the 8s because she was annoyingly mouthing the words to her song, “I Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls.” Great job by Niecy, breaking out of the booty-shaking Latin dance box Louis apparently wanted to put her in.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie: His tense rehearsal footage (“I’m not asking you, I’m more telling you” – to Chelsie about a move he couldn’t do. Well then.) contrasted heavily with his dorky, clumsy jive. Though his jive was ever so slightly terrible, Jake’s enthusiasm mostly sold it. I just have no idea how many people are voting for this guy.

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly: I hate to go all Len on you and refrain from criticizing Buzz, but what can you really say about his foxwalk without sounding like a complete ass? Instead, I’ll focus on his pre-performance (Ashly adorably drawing him a map of his moves) and post-performance (he’s going home and trying out his moves on his scary-looking wife). On second thought, let’s NOT focus on his post-performance.

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek: She’s like the bizarro Buzz. What can I say about her, other than she’s ridiculously good, and head and shoulders and stomach and kneecaps above anyone else in the competition. (Including Evan right now.)

Erin Andrews & Maksim: Giving her a solo during the beginning of her foxtrot was a bold move by Maks, and Erin handled it well. I also think she was probably asked to do the most out of any celeb (other than Evan and Nicole, of course). Still, there’s a stiffness in her dancing, which is completely understandable for anyone who doesn’t dance/perform for a living. More annoyingly, I really don’t enjoy watching Erin dance. She may have been technically better, but I still preferred the foxtrots from Niecy and…

Pamela Anderson & Damien: After bringing sex to the ballroom last week, Pamela brought an all-encompassing Marilyn Monroe impersonation this week. (She was still pretending to be Marilyn during her backstage interview with Brooke Burke.) She still looks and dances as if she’s a little drunk/high, but that’s why you love/hate her, right?

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl: I think more couples should try Cheryl’s tactic — giving their partners kisses in rehearsal when they do well. Unfortunately, it didn’t work because everything about Chad’s foxtrot was terrible. Though Kate (who we’ll get to in a minute) and Buzz were worse, I was most disappointed in Chad because I actually expected him to be good. Fortunately for him, I’d bet money that he’ll get another week to win us back.

Kate Gosselin & Tony (pictured, right): I’m sure you know by now that Kate’s control-freak nature during rehearsals made Tony, the “Gentleman of the Ballroom” and probably the nicest guy on this show, quit. Somewhere, Jon Gosselin was watching all this and solemnly nodding his head. It seemed like Kate was under the impression that just because her and Tony are dance partners the two of them are equal. The only problem with this line of thinking is that Kate has absolutely no idea about anything having to do with dance so, this being the case, it’d probably be smart for her to mostly zip it, trust your pro and try to have fun. Unfortunately, “zipping it” and following someone else’s lead isn’t in Kate’s nature.

If it’s ok with you, I’ll skip right over Kate’s disastrous jive because, if you can’t say something nice…

So what’d you think of this episode? Was it too soon for Nicole (or anyone) to get a 10? (I don’t think so — if someone dances impeccably, they deserve a 10 and Nicole didn’t miss a step.) Are you buying the Chad/Cheryl showmance the show is selling? Where are Maks’ biceps? Finally, who do you think is going home? (It’s gotta be Kate — I mean, even people who are fans of hers HAVE to know that she doesn’t want to be out there anymore, right?