America's Next Top Recap: Not-So Extreme Makeovers

I realize “America’s Next Top Model” kicked off its 14th season, er, CYCLE last Wednesday, but I didn’t get a chance to check out the 90-minute premiere until this past weekend.

That being said, I still feel like this recap is not as hopelessly outdated as Tyra’s “MyFiercePage”, an obvious homage to MySpace. (I know it’s been a while, but I’m assuming you remember MySpace.) Tyra’s made-up social network was the theme of this year’s casting episode, and it actually ranks among the host’s less ridiculous ideas.

Since the bulk of the premiere focused on casting (there was no challenge or elimination after the top 12, er, 13 was selected), I’ll just give you my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on the premiere.

- You’re not going to believe this, ladies, but it turns out you can pregnant the first time you have sex! To make sure the point was hammered home, we were introduced to two girls (who still seemed surprised and amazed) that got pregnant right out of the box.

- I can respect that Danielle, with her prominent piercings and tattoos, wanted to break some kind of mold, but she can’t say things along the lines of, “I don’t know why I didn’t make it.” Um, I have a pretty good idea why you didn’t make it.

- It doesn’t take a genius to see that Alasia is going to eat up a ton of screen time this year. From falling to the ground upon first meeting Tyra to getting into a house fight with bitchy Angelea and Krista (seemingly because Alasia didn’t want to join their Black Girl Alliance) and all the loopiness in between, Alasia is the sort of contestant reality TV producers must dream about. And sure, she’s crazy (I bet God says to himself, “I wish you’d leave me out of this” every time she invokes His name), but she seems sweet, so I’m not mad at her.

- In a related story, what was up with Alasia’s ratty wig?

- Speaking of the Black Girl Alliance (Simone’s not eligible because she went to Duke), I actually think Krista is kinda ugly, yet very model-y looking and should do well in the competition. (I swear there’s a compliment in there somewhere.) Meanwhile, Angelea is mean-looking AND mean-acting. I don’t think the therapy she allegedly underwent after missing the cut last cycle did much to calm her down. I also don’t think the long blonde weave did much to soften her – now she basically looks like an angry My Little Pony. She’s going to be a pain in the ass.

- Anslee is probably even harsher-looking, but I liked that she didn’t appear to be intimidated one bit by Angelea’s shtick.

- Is Gabrielle the most knowledgeable contestant this show has ever had? I could see this girl going far.

- As much as I like Gabrielle, I think the clear front-runner has to be Naduah who already SCREAMS model. I mean, her head was already shaved, so all Tyra could really do was bleach her eyebrows during the makeover. The only thing that I could see tripping her up is the Cover Girl commercial.

- Speaking of the makeovers, didn’t they come WAY too soon this year? The makeover episode is usually one of the best parts of the season and it’s always better when they come sooner rather than later. However, having them happen in the premiere (when we’d barely gotten used to the girls’ original looks) was weird. Brenda wins the annual Cry Baby award (they cut her luxurious red locks), while Simone gets the prize for best makeover (the Rihanna-esque cut was a major improvement over her pageant girl hair).

- Is it just me or does Raina look exactly like Denise Richards? (More so before her dark brunette makeover.) Maybe you didn’t notice because you were distracted by her eyebrows.

- I like “plus size” Alexandra, but there’s no chance in hell she’s winning. It took 10 cycles for the show to crown its first plus size winner, and I’m betting it’ll take (at least) another 10 before the show goes there again.

- I can understand Tyra and her two Jays not being able to agree on 14 girls and bringing 12 to New York, but where the hell did Ren (the 13th girl) come from? Sure, she’s got good modeling potential, but she mostly looks like a parody of an edgy girl. She also looks like she’d woken up minutes before she showed up on camera. That must’ve been the reason she didn’t have enough time to shave her armpits. (Um, GROSS!)

- Finally, it turns out that Tyra and guest Perez Hilton made a deal. She’d let him appear on ANTM if he stopped writing about celebrities’ children for six months. My question is this: why does he need to write about celebrities’ children at all?

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you accepting or denying this cycle of “Top Model”? (Or are you still pending?) Finally, who are your favorites and your least favorites? (I’m making Naduah my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All and I’m making Jessica my pick to get shipped home first.)