“You can’t quit because you’re fired!”Ok, so that’s not exactly how Wednesday night’s more tedious-than-usual episode of “America’s Next Top Model” ended, but close enough.
Sorry if I’m a little grumpy, but the latest hour of “Top Model” had a deadly combination of heavy emphasis on thoroughly unpleasant people, an unimaginative photo shoot, and a predictable outcome.
Things started out promisingly enough when the girls piled onto their not-so-glamorous bus and were surprised by Toccara, probably the most popular/successful contestant in the show’s entire run.
Toccara was armed with a Bob Barker-style skinny mic and a pack of questions about the fashion industry. The girls were split into two teams, and most of the questions were a bit too inside baseball for me. The first team to get five points would win some Bluefly.com gift cards and the chance to go on a go-see, and it came down to Simone vs, Brenda with the score tied. (What is this, “Hell’s Kitchen”?) If we’re to believe the editing, Brenda kind of blew it, and Simone picked up the victory for her team. Simone also went on to win the go-see challenge and a super-duper Bluefly.com gift card. (Here’s hoping she used it thoughtfully.) Meanwhile, the losing team had to stay behind and do inventory. (What is this, “Hell’s Kitchen”?)
In the typical lull between the weekly challenge and the weekly photo shoot, we got some more house drama.
I guess someone should’ve told Ren that this is how the show works, because she was still whining about how she was completely unprepared for the drama that results from a group of young, fame-seeking women living in a house together. Last night, we also learned (rather disturbingly) that the main reason snobby Ren tried out for the show is because her mother is a really big fan.
I don’t even know where to begin. Is there a more depressing/misguided way to try to win a parent’s approval? After 14 cycles, are there still people out there who are “really big fans” of this show? When the producers of the show “handpicked” Ren to be the 13th girl, did anyone bother asking her if she actually wanted to be part of the damn thing?!
For a girl who claims to hate drama, Ren sure started some in the house. Brenda had announced that she was going to sleep, and Krista started making fun of Brenda’s mothering tendencies, randomly calling her a “Geppetto” — because she’s a “puppet master.” (Thanks for the explanation.) That led to a couple of girls making fun of Brenda (who is still insecure about her awesome haircut) by comparing her to Miranda from “Sex and the City” and Chucky from the killer doll movies. Ren told Brenda what the other girls were saying, leading to a shouting match between Brenda and Anslee, who really is the second most unpleasant person in the house but gaining on Ren.
Anyway, it was time for the photo shoot, which had the women representing a different genre of dance — which is not to be confused with the shoot from a few cycles ago where they represented a different genre of music. Yeesh!
The girls allegedly received help from a renowned professional dancer, but mostly ended up resorting to the sort of clichéd moves you’d expect from someone when you tell them to do “ballet” or “hip-hop.” The highlight of the shoot for me was the fact that whoever constructed Simone’s outfit forgot that her boobs should probably be covered, leading her midsection being blurred as she unsuccessfully tried to strike a convincing street pose.
Though Raina had another strong week, the best photo of the bunch unquestionably belonged to Alasia. Her photo was so strong that it overcame the completely trashy/clubby outfit she wore to panel. (Seriously, that thing almost cost her the win!) Then again, it would’ve been pretty hypocritical of Tyra to deny Alasia the victory based on her outfit since Tyra herself was wearing (pictured, left) an inexplicably awful flesh-colored jumpsuit. (Camel toe included.) It was so bad that it literally made me spit up the food I was eating. (Seriously.) Double yeesh!
Besides that, I really didn’t get all the love for Angelea’s moshing pic (then again, I still think she’s pretty awful, yet has somehow plummeted to only being the third most unpleasant person in the house by flying under the radar). Still, Angelea’s pic wasn’t nearly as bad as Brenda (the most contained African dancer I’d ever seen) or Ren (who, instead of dancing, went for a druggie/Studio 54 interpretation of disco).
Tyra asked Ren if she wanted to quit after her critique and right before a commercial break. When we returned from break, Ren delivered the least convincing “I want to stay” I’d ever heard. When it came down to eliminating Ren or Brenda, Tyra asked Ren again if she wanted to stay, and this time Ren admitted that she wanted to bolt. But it’s ok, because Tyra was going to eliminate her anyway.
Goodbye, Ren. It’s good that you’re gone this early because it’ll give you and your mom that much more time to work on the serious issues you two obviously have.
So what’d you think of this episode? When does Heidi Klum find the time to film “Germany’s Next Top Model”? Why is looking like Cynthia Nixon/Miranda Hobbes considered to be an insult? Finally, can you think of a worse outfit Tyra has worn on this show?
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