American Idol: Turning the Paige

I’m pretty sure we all just witnessed the worst performance in the history of “American Idol.”

(I’ll give you a few seconds to let that statement wash over you because I’m sure a proclamation of that magnitude probably seems like a gross exaggeration/overly-harsh snap judgment. When you’re ready to continue, I’ll be happy to lay out exactly why Paige Miles’ rendition of “Against All Odds” was the absolute worst “Idol” vocal of all time. Ready? Ok, let’s proceed.)

None of the audition round clowns are eligible for Worst of All-Time honors(?) because there’s no expectation that those people are supposed to be any good. I’m also eliminating the likes of John Stevens (“Crocodile Rock”), Kevin Covais (“Part Time Lover), Camile Velasco (“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”) and Sanjaya (“Anything”) because, even at their infamously worst, there was something funny about their awfulness.

You could make a case that Tim Urban’s take on “Apologize” from the semifinal round was worse, but the reason it’s not is because no one has ever confused Tim for a good vocalist.

And there’s the key ingredient that makes Paige’s performance the perfect storm of failure. Simply put, the woman who Simon Cowell has referred to as having the best voice among the females should never, EVER be this bad. (It’s the same reason I called “The Happening” the worst movie of 2008 — M. Night Shyamalan is WAY too talented to be making such an awful movie.)

When you combine the fact that Paige (pictured, left) should sound a LOT better with a hopelessly unoriginal song choice (“Against All Odds” REALLY needs to be retired from “Idol” immediately!), a clumsy performance (she could barely walk in her heels), and terrible execution (did she hit ONE note during that song?), you have the worst performance of all time. (Except maybe for when Ellen completely eschewed talking about Paige’s vocal — I get the “if you can’t say something nice” joke she was going for, but at this point what exactly is the point of Ellen?)

Worst of all, there was nothing funny about her performance. It was painful to watch and I felt embarrassed for her (which is amazing, because I really don’t care about her).

On the other hand, Tim Urban’s performance was embarrassing, but watching him lamely work the crowd during “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” was at least amusing. While his vocal wasn’t terrible (don’t snicker, that’s a big win for him), he continues to have a major disconnect with what he’s actually singing. Where Paige’s performance was flat-out terrible, Tim’s was lame and pointless. (You decide what’s worse.)

Of course, the big loser last night is Andrew Garcia, whose shocking awfulness has been unjustly ignored thanks to Paige.

Mentor Miley Cyrus (“It’s Miley!”) was on to something in that Andrew should ditch his guitar/crutch and try to cut loose. (Probably her best moment of the evening — other than the extreme indifference the camera caught in her face following Andrew’s performance.) Kara was absolutely right in that it looked like someone else was controlling Andrew’s body during his uncomfortable, mechanical cover of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Of course, none of that would matter if Andrew hadn’t been flatter than Lee Dewyze during the semifinal rounds. Simon probably has it right in that Andrew became overrated following his Paula Abdul Cover We Don’t Speak Of. I mean, we keep waiting for this guy to be good because — why again? (Frankly I was more impressed by Ricky Minor and the way he was slappin’ da upright bass!)

Unfortunately, the Unholy Trinity of Terrible (if all three come back next week, I pray that the producers have them sing back to back to back so their suck is confined to one block of suck) wasn’t even the worst part of “Billboard #1 Week.” (Or whatever the hell it was actually called.) The worst part was that, despite having the option to pick pretty much any hugely popular song from the history of Billboard charts, only one contestant picked a song that came out in the last 10 years.

That would be ok if the contestants who picked older hits had done something new or exciting with the ancient songs they picked. From the tone of the previous sentence, you can probably tell that wasn’t the case.

Lee Dewyze opened the show with the Box Tops’ “The Letter” (huh?) and, though he continues to make strides vocally, was terribly awkward and uncomfortable on stage. I also didn’t understand the choice of song insofar that it made him seem more like a (nervous) bandleader at a swing dance than a relevant recording artist in 2010. Putting the band on stage with him was a good idea, but I guess it was too much to ask that he actually interact with them.

Unfortunately, Michael “Lounge” Lynche, Casey James, and Siobhan Magnus (gasp!) delivered similarly irrelevant performances. Michael managed to stay put behind the microphone, yet still radiated cheese while bringing absolutely nothing new to “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Casey’s body still jerks in a weird way when he plays guitar and I don’t like the way he switched the words "just" and "might" around in the “Power of Love” to say “…and it just might save your life…” As for Siobhan, it didn’t even really feel like it was her on stage singing “Superstition” — it was almost as if someone was making fun of her on “Saturday Night Live” (the weird hair, the unnecessary glory note/screech). Also, what does a straightforward take of “Superstition” have to do with anything?!)

I mean, it was so depressing that Aaron Kelly and Katie Stevens gained favor in my mind simply by picking songs that came out in the last 15 years. I thought Aaron’s country twang to “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” was appealing, but it was otherwise a bad song choice. Not only was it too big for him (he tried to go “there” a few times, but couldn’t make it), but it didn’t allow him to do anything original in the verses. Katie’s choice of “Big Girls Don’t Cry” was savvy in that it came out recently AND that she actually had a pretty good chance of surpassing the original artist. (Sorry, Fergie Ferg!) I wouldn’t say she quite got there, but her competent-at-best performance was a surprisingly bright beacon in the sea of suck that was Tuesday night.

That leaves my two favorites of the evening — Didi Benami and Crystal Bowersox. I give them credit for delivering the best performances, but they’re not off the hook for their uninspired song choices!

The slow tempo of Didi’s “You’re No Good Cover” robbed her of the intensity she showed during Rolling Stones week, but she was assured on stage and she sounded good, so I was kind of shocked when the judges trashed her. (Especially given the truly heinous performances that had preceded her.)

Meanwhile, though Crystal gave the only unquestionably good performance of the evening, she’s not exactly inspiring her fans to jump out of their seats with her mind-blowing originality. Then again, given her “competition”, I’m extremely inclined with Simon when he told her not to change a thing.

In a season where the judges seem to be giving more conflicting advice than ever, it’s comforting to know precisely what you’re going to get from Crystal because she knows exactly what she wants to give you — you’re going to get some guitar-driven folk rock, but there’s also a great chance that it’s going to be awesome.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a worst time to get eliminated than top 11 week? (Probably not.) Will Crystal really ditch her guitar next week? What’d you think of Miley as a mentor? (I think she was smart to steer clear of any vocal critiques.) Who do you think has given the worst performance in the history of “Idol”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’ve got Paige, Tim and Katie in the bottom 3, with Paige going home — I mean, how do you come back from that?!)