Dancing with the Stars: Wham, Bam, Thank You Pam

It is now season 10 (insert Bruno Tonioli-style fist bump when you say “10!”) and this show may be as crazy as ever.

Of course, in the “Dancing with the Stars” universe, the crazier things are and the less amount of sense things make, the better! By that measure, the season 10 premiere was kind of a smashing success.

Let’s get right into how the couples — performing the cha cha cha and the Viennese waltz — did, in order of appearance. Here are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts.

Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl: Bringing in Terrell Owens (probably the only NFL wide receiver more polarizing than Chad) for a cameo was a smart move. Is Terrell checking out the lay of the land for a possible season 11 run? I like this partnership, and I think Chad has lots of potential, though he has to overcome the typical tall guy thing where they all slouch. Still, he’s a natural performer and he has some dance talent. I believe he can be better than Michael Irvin, just as good as Jerry Rice, but not better than Emmitt Smith (at least not yet).

Shannen Doherty & Mark: She’s very not smooth so far (the music said Viennese waltz, but her violent arms suggested paso doble) and her breasts appeared to be weighing down her chest and preventing her from having the proper posture. She’s doing this show for her dad, so I can’t be too mad at her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself at all, which never reads well on TV and will likely lead to a pretty early ouster. She’s lucky Kate Gosselin is around to be eliminated before her.

Erin Andrews & Maks: Unfortunately, I was much more impressed by her rehearsal footage – denying Maks the pleasure of bitching at her, claiming she’d requested Tony Dovolani — than I was by anything in her cha cha cha, which was probably overscored. Her gangly arm movements and total lack of hip action reminded me of early Joanna Krupa. I eventually warmed up to Joanna, so there’s hope for Erin. She has the athletic ability, but I’m not sure the musicality is there. Still, she’s a Gator, so I’m gonna keep rooting for her and if she keeps cranking out entertaining rehearsal packages, she could be around a while.

Jake Pavelka & Chelsie: I guess Jake just wasn’t ready to stop being on TV. His footwork was terrible to the point that it distracted from his bad posture, but I really liked his enthusiasm. I promise I’m not going all Paula Abdul on you — enthusiasm is actually a big part of this show. I can’t stand it when it looks like the celebs don’t really want to be there. How long until his fiancée Vienna sits in on a rehearsal with cutie pie Chelsie? One week? Two, tops.

Niecy Nash & Louis: She’s great fun and I love the sassiness. (Can a white person be considered sassy?) I have no idea whether she can really dance yet or not, but her sheer enthusiasm should carry her at least a week or two. (I also think Louis is the perfect partner for her.) Unfortunately for her, this show is so intense that she’ll lose weight, no matter how many cheeseburgers she chomps on before they go to commercial. If Pamela weren’t around to gobble up most of the campy/vampy points, I could see her lasting a good while. I guess Niecy’s strategy is to go after the Jiggly vote.

Evan Lysacek & Anna: He was about what you’d expect: he had terrific lines, he looked great on the dance floor, but his footwork was kind of clunky (which is happens when you have to take steps as opposed to gliding across ice) and he needs to work on his chemistry with partner. (Anna still seems like she can hardly believe her luck that she finally got a partner that gives her a chance to actually win.)

Buzz Aldrin & Ashly: What do you want me to say? The man IS a legend and he’s 80 years old. Unfortunately, as an 80 year old who has put his body through a lot more stress than we could ever imagine, the man can barely walk straight, so we can’t really expect him to burn up the dance floor. I swear I don’t mean this as an insult – I hope he goes home next week. He’s already done what he came to do — prove he can dance on national TV and hit on his much younger partner. However, if he DOES stay around, maybe we can find out what’s up with his wife — she’s had so much work done that she looks like a young person in old-age makeup!

Nicole Scherzinger & Derek: Erica’s choice to win it all — and she made Erica look like a very smart person. (For the record, I think Evan is a lock to win, and Nicole will probably end up as this season’s Mya.) Speaking of “probably”, Nicole said she was “probably” best known as the lead singer of Pussycat Dolls. At least when Shannon said she was “probably” best known from “Beverly Hills, 90210”, a bunch of “Charmed” fans could’ve had a legitimate beef! Anyway, her Viennese waltz was terrific (she’s strong technically AND a good performer) and Len (though I understand what he was doing in tempering expectations) simply came off as a cranky old coot.

Aiden Turner & Edyta: I honestly don’t see what Aiden did to offend the judges and only earn a 15. I don’t see why his cha cha cha was noticeably worse than Chad or Erin’s, for example. My only explanation is that Edyta’s fringe-heavy outfit overshadowed everything her partner did. (As is often the case.) At least she wore the white winter coat longer than I thought before whipping it off. I hope Aiden gets another chance because he’s pretty funny and I think he has some skills.

Kate Gosselin & Tony: She had REALLY basic choreography, which she did competently, but it was hopelessly boring. On top of that, she was hopelessly nervous (which is completely understandable). When you combine her boring dance with the fact that so many people seem to hate her, she appears to be a stone cold lock to go home first.

Pamela Anderson & Damian (pictured, left): To say she brought “sexy back” to the ballroom wouldn’t be completely accurate, because this show has seen its fair share of contestants that are pleasing to the eye. (Kim Kardashian, a fellow sex tape star, was completely lame, disengaged and anti-sexy during her “DWTS” run.) It’d be more accurate to say she brought SEX to the ballroom. And on a first night where many people were understandably tentative and stiff, it was a welcome sight. There’s a good chance she was high and/or drunk (or buzzed, at the very least). I have no idea whether she can actually dance (probably not), but I’m definitely interested in seeing more performances from Pamela Anderson. She was insane, ridiculous, over-the-top and a little tipsy. In other words, she was everything this show is about!

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you like the new Celebaquarium? (I miss the old backstage area. Why are they not using that anymore? Are the carpets getting shampooed?! I DO enjoy the new judges’ scores graphics though.) What do you think of Brooke Burk as the new co-host? (She’s much sleepier than Samantha, but not nearly as offensively-bad, which, I have to admit, I kinda miss. Also, boobs!) Finally, who do you think is getting sent home next week? (Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin are NOT long for this insane world.)