“Funky god-FA-ther…funky god-FAAAA-ther, yeahhhh!” (Sorry about getting that stuck in your head again.)I’ve obviously had a lot of fun times watching this ridiculous show.
However, the funnest of fun times on “Celebrity Apprentice” usually come from watching these people make a commercial.
Don’t believe me? Allow me to present Exhibit A: last season when the celebs were tasked with creating a commercial/viral video for All detergent, we got a bunch of midgets beating up Jesse James (turns out those midgets were WAY ahead of their time) and Clint Black implying that he uses All detergent to masturbate. Seriously.
The latest apprentices didn’t quite reach those heights of lunacy, but they sure tried. (Did I mention that Sharon was out of this episode entirely with an illness, Cyndi Lauper missed 80% of the task to hang out with President Obama and that a celebrity would leave the show later on?!)
The episode got off to a promisingly loopy start when Trump presented the challenge, which involved creating a 30-second TV commercial, and a 10-second online spot for Right Guard Total Defense 5 deodorant. The ads would star former NBA superstars Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler.
After Holly Robinson Peete and Curtis Stone stepped up as project managers for their respective teams, Trump gave the players a chance to win an additional $10,000 for their project managers. But before he did that, he stepped up to the foul line while still wearing his coat and swished a funky-looking, semi-jump shot (pictured, left). Obviously, I immediately assumed it was HEAVILY edited to make it look like he made it, but then I got to thinking that this show is insane enough that the Donald maybe DID actually make it on his first try.
And then, I saw the attempts from Bret Michaels and Goldberg (the ones where they pathetically air-balled) and then I convinced myself that there’s no way Trump made his shot on the first try. Instead, it was Maria, looking like a badass in her heels, who won $10,000 for Holly’s charity by banking in her free throw attempt.
The teams met with the Right Guard execs, who wanted to focus on boys in their teens. (If they wanted to rope in boys in their teens, maybe they should’ve gotten NBA stars from this decade – does anyone under the age of 15 know who Clyde Drexler is?! Curtis certainly didn’t, but that’s because he’s Australian.) Holly flat-out told the execs that she was going to aim her campaign at the mothers who buy the deodorant.
For Rocksolid, Brett had a vision about a man showing up in a door, dropping his luggage and revealing a bunch of different sticks of Right Guard deodorant. Or something. No one can really follow Bret when he’s brainstorming. Bret’s ideas were so ambitious that even he had serious doubts as to whether they’d be able to execute them in the time allotted and begged Curtis to shoot a more modestly-scaled spot. After a brief freakout, Curtis decided to plow ahead with Bret’s original plan.
Of course, that was only the second most significant Bret-related drama in the episode. When the promos showed him taking a call about his daughter getting a diabetus (sic) test, I cynically assumed that it would either turn out to be a minor fakeout and that she’d be fine, or an overblown source of manufactured drama. I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a little emotional watching Bret struggle with his guilt over passing on diabetus to his daughter. “The Celebrity Apprentice” – making me care about washed up, rock star man-whores since 2010!
Anyway, Holly took control on the women’s side and came up with the idea of casting Scottie Pippen as a Funky Godfather who was always creepily lurking around corners with his deodorant wand and ready to pounce when he was needed. On paper this sounded like an absolutely AWFUL idea, but add in that insidiously catchy jingle (Clint Black’s “Chicken of the Sea”, you’ve been served!) and a truly funny 30-second commercial and I’ll be damned once again if I didn’t think it was a great little commercial. My greatest hope is that Scottie Pippen will be best known as the Funky Godfather from here on out (and not as the sidekick for that Jordan guy). As soon as I heard the words “funky godfather” I KNEW they were going to dress Pippen up as a pimp.
Unfortunately for the women, it was a three-pronged task and, though they won the 30-second spot handily, they lost on the 10-second online ad (they mailed it in by re-using footage from the 30-second commercial) and in brand integration. The commercial also missed its intended target audience. I actually happen to agree with Holly that it’d be smart to market to the moms who actually buy the stuff, but the executives wanted ads that appealed to young boys (basketballs to the stomach/groin ALWAYS work) and that’s what she should’ve given them.
Basically, the women lost because of Holly. Trump announced that he wouldn’t fire Sharon because she was sick and that Cyndi was untouchable because she was away for most of the task. (I actually think both should’ve been fair game.) That left Holly no choice but to bring Maria and Selita back to the boardroom.
Maria was brought back because of some minor technical issue in the commercial that didn’t really matter, but it was something Holly could attack her for. Maria, to her credit brought the fight right back to Holly. Selita was brought back to the boardroom because, while George was checking up on Team Tenacity, Selita sat on her ass and didn’t help carry props into the studio for the commercial shoot. That faux pas (and her unwillingness to fight and yell and scream for her place on this absurd show) got her fired.
I’m conflicted. The women lost because of Holly so she deserved to go home. Holly was kind of a bitch (getting jealous about the fact that Cyndi wanted to help make her vocals on the jingle a little better? She’s Cyndi Freakin’ Lauper!!), so I WANTED her to go home. However, Selita seemed totally uninterested and Holly is probably a stronger player and will make for more interesting TV. So to summarize, Holly deserved to go home, I wanted her to go home, but I’m ok with her staying. HUH?!
As if that weren’t puzzling enough, we had Michael Johnson quitting the game prior to the boardroom due to “personal reasons.” I wish I could say I’ll miss him, but Michael Johnson is the recipient of this year’s Clint Black Award, presented to the celebrity surprisingly revealed to be kind of a prick thanks to this show. So, I guess everybody wins!
So what’d you think of this episode? Did the right person go home? Are Portland fans upset that Drexler didn’t wear Trail Blazers gear? Finally, how hilariously inappropriate was it when Trump asked Michael Johnson if he was having trouble in his marriage?
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