Dancing with the Stars: Story Time

So you know how the biggest complaint from the judges on this show (other than Carrie Ann and her lift fixation) is head judge Len Goodman griping about the use props and general “messin’ about” instead of dancing.

Well the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars” actually encouraged the contestants to use props and generally mess about to help them “tell stories.”

To be perfectly honest, other than Jake and Chelsie’s incredibly lavish mummy-themed quickstep/production, not that much seemed out of the ordinary to me. (Which REALLY says something about how insane this show is.) Yes, I got the “stories” the couples were telling through their dance because they helpfully told us what they were going to be doing beforehand.

What I’m saying is that if the storytelling aspect of this episode hadn’t been hyped (or even mentioned) I probably wouldn’t have thought that anything was different because the couples often incorporate mini-stories into their dances anyway. Basically, I think it was kind of a waste of time. (Though not as big a waste of time as when the celebs “design” their pro’s outfit.)

Anyway, let’s talk about how the remaining 10 celebrities handled the quickstep, (non-Viennese)waltz and paso doble, in order of appearance.

Evan Lysacek and Anna: Evan’s quickstep telling the story of a man impatiently waiting for his woman (based on the experiences of John Ceballos) was my favorite performance of his. (And it took him to the top of the leaderboard.) Though he still needs to work on his footwork, everything else was stronger and his dancing was the most authoritative I’ve seen. He even threw in a cartwheel for good measure. All this was more impressive given the (apparent) fact that he has a few broken toes. (Sorry if I’m skeptical, but that injury is painful as hell — I’m assuming they were some of the less crucial toes and he was able to numb them up.) I was less impressed by his performance in rehearsals, where he often tries to be funny, but ends up coming off a bit awkward. Maybe I should’ve said that last sentence in a thick Russian accent.

Buzz Aldrin and Ashly: He’s still walking more than dancing, but his walking this week was the most graceful I’ve seen, so I think it was his best performance. When it was announced that he’d be playing Ashly’s father coming home from war, I said “more like grandfather” and my girlfriend Erica said “more like great grandfather.” That’s how it works — I say something mean, then Erica takes it to the next level. Also it turns out Buzz likes to film Ashly so he can learn the steps later on his own. RIIIIGGHHTT.

Jake Pavelka and Chelsie: If fellow reality star/non-performer Kate Gosselin had half his enthusiasm — she’d still be a terrible dancer, but at least a little piece of my soul wouldn’t die watching her. Jake showed some technical improvement during his “Walk like an Egyptian” quickstep, but he still has a way to go. He also has a ways to go in his rehearsal relationship with Chelsie, who dared display a little tough love to get Jake to maximize his potential. I’m guessing he’s still adjusting to not having 25 bobble head women bowing to his every whim. Also, why does Chelsie have J-Woww hair now?

Niecy Nash and Louis: The couple told the story of a “cross-racial” couple in the 1960’s, but it was obviously incredibly relevant to Niecy and Louis’ respective situations. The emotion in their waltz actually swept me up too in the beginning — too bad her misstep took me out of it. I actually think Niecy probably got a little too wrapped up in her character and took a step back this week technique-wise. Carrie Ann didn’t get the bittersweet ending, but I think Louis indirectly explained it later when he reiterated that, even in this day and age, not everyone is allowed to be COMPLETELY together: “Everyone should be able to get married.” I think he made his point without beating us over the head with it.

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: Although he acknowledged that his foxtrot last week was “bullcrap”, Chad didn’t let that deter him from hitting on Cheryl. Fortunately for him, the paso doble — really, the perfect dance for performers who are still a little stiff (and especially football players, who get to be imposing) — gave him the chance to do just that. Chad had encouragement from Two Amigos Jonathan Roberts and Tony Dovolani before he started, and delivered a vastly superior dance to last week’s disaster. I still think he can do considerably better. I went on NFL.com this morning and could not find the bolero jacket/jersey with Ocho Cinco emblazoned on the back. Please help.

Pamela Anderson and Damian: She’s a natural performer and a shockingly good dancer at times, but last night she was just off during her paso doble. To me, it seemed less that she couldn’t master the dance and much more that being in the bottom 2 last week messed with her head and she lost her focus. Oh well, at least we got to see her cleavage/maracas go head to head with Charo’s.

Aidan Turner and Edyta: I wonder how the conversation on how to edit out Aidan’s vomit from last week went. How much time did they spend debating whether using a black circle or pixelating the puke was the way to go? (They went with the pixels, which was hilarious because it looked like he was vomiting pixels.) Oh yeah, his quickstep this week — once Edyta came to life from the painting Aidan was working on, his quickstep was WAY too hoppy for my tastes. I think he’s in a bit of trouble this week. Oh well, at least he still has his adorable daughter.

Erin Andrews and Maksim (pictured, right): I’ve been a little tough on Erin, but her blindfolded waltz was her best dance so far! Psst. Allow me to let you in on a little secret — dancing blindfolded isn’t THAT big of a deal (from a technical standpoint) when you have a strong lead (which Maks obviously is). However, her solo work was undeniably strong and the blindfold both enhanced their performance (by adding drama) AND seemed to temper her control issues during rehearsal.

Kate Gosselin and Tony: Tony brought in an acting coach to help Kate access her emotions — and it didn’t really help. Her face was still the same off-putting mask that it’s been the first two weeks, only this time she stomped around the stage like she was Buzz Aldrin during her paso doble. (Buzz is 80 — what’s YOUR excuse, Kate?!) Kate danced to Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” because she hates how the paparazzi stalk her in real life. I’m not really sure why she was dressed as a movie star and walking a red carpet because Kate isn’t a movie star and doesn’t walk red carpets. At least Tony had the word “Press” boldly placed on his back, in case the clicking camera didn’t tip you off about who he was supposed to be. I think Bruno saying she looked like a “super bitch from hell” is the best compliment she’s gotten on her dancing this year.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek: Most of the time I roll my eyes when Len starts chugging the haterade before he reviews the most talented couple in any given season. However, this time I’m totally on board. Nicole and Derek may have been on a boat, but that thing they performed was barely a quickstep. To be perfectly honest, I’m mostly annoyed at them because their “quickstep” would’ve made an excellent freestyle for the finale. What a gigantic waste! I have a sneaking suspicion their actual freestyle won’t be as good.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you surprised the show didn’t bring up the reported death threats against Erin Andrews? (I wouldn’t have put it past them.) Did Nicole and Derek tank it on purpose to lower expectations and reduce the sure-to-come backlash? Finally, who do you see going home tonight? My pick is Aidan.