America's Next Top Recap: The Lady is a Vamp

Vampires are SO hot right now.

Well, at least they were about a year ago, which gave the latest episode of “America’s Next Top Model” a distinct whiff of “out-dated” and “desperate.”

Then again, maybe the desperation I’m detecting is the usual odor that comes from sticking a bunch of volatile young ladies with the same goal in close quarters. That probably explains why the girls in this cycle range from “near mute” to “thoroughly unlikable.”

I mean, Anslee looks like she’d be in physical pain if she even attempted to smile, Brenda is still in the running (and an early front runner) for Wettest Blanket of 2010, and Alasia is a deadly combination of loud, annoying and photogenic (which means she won’t be eliminated any time soon). Things are so bad, I’m actually starting to enjoy Angelea (or at least the tentative way she stood quietly between Anslee/Alasia during their big blow up).

For all I know the likes of Jessica, Tatianna and Raina are perfectly lovely people, except that we would never know because they’ve gotten about 20 seconds of combined screen time. (Then again, maybe they’re secretly horrible people as well, and it’s all for the best.)

The modeltestatns attended a performance by the Upright Citizens Brigade improve group hosted by Leon Black (comedian J.B. Smoove). If you’ve watched this show, you know that acting/improve exercises are supposed to help the models with their facial expressions and with thinking on their feet, but I’ve never seen any sort of empirical evidence that they help at all. Oh well, at least we got to see Anslee washing an imaginary car in a paranoid way when a few of the girls were asked to perform an action with a specific emotion.

Anyway, the girls went back to the house and Brenda — who’d been complaining about her short haircut — received an even shorter, edgier ‘do that I was convinced was going to make her jump out of a window. It goes without saying that she absolutely hated it, but she didn’t hate it as much as I hate the fact that this girl complains about EVERYTHING — the length of her hair, the freaky white contact in her eyes, the thermostat in the house. (Ok, I made the last one up, but you just KNOW she’s that person.)

Brenda got to debut her new ‘do at Times Square, the site of this week’s Cover Girl challenge, introduced by Dania Ramirez of “Heroes.” I thought to myself that it was way too early in the season for a Cover Girl commercial shoot. (Then I thought to myself how depressing it is that I know that.) Either way, it turned out I was right — the girls wouldn’t be reciting/botching dialogue. Instead, they were supposed to convey the emotions evoked by the pre-recorded dialogue. Most of them ended up leaning on Model 101 moves, so Tatianna won because she was the only one who did anything remotely interesting.

Before the weekly photo shoot, we were treated to another confrontation at the house. The catalyst for the Anslee/Alasia showdown was frozen corn. (Seriously.) The argument was actually pretty run-of-the-mill until Alasia made a comment questioning Anslee’s mothering skills. Anslee’s reaction was akin to giving a trained, vicious dog the “attack” command. Anslee snapped and angrily slapped her palm on the kitchen counter and got all up in Alasia’s face. To be honest, I wish they would’ve taken a simultaneous swing at each other and gotten kicked off the show.

Mr. Jay (wearing only slightly more makeup than usual) showed up in an outfit that was probably supposed to reference “Blade” but ended up being “Matrix”-y to introduce the week’s vampire-themed challenge. The girls would be posing with a male model in a bloody bathtub. (The bathtub unfortunately ended up making the shoot look a little suicide-y.) They’d also be wearing contacts that would render them blind.

The best photos of the bunch belonged to Raina (intense and awesome again!), Tatianna (comfortable with blood) and Alasia (sigh). Still, the real winner was guest photographer Sarah Silver who was helpfully harsh on the models and gave them ultra-specific instruction. She was great and I hope they bring her back soon.

The worst picture of the week belonged to Simone (pictured, right, it looked like her right leg had rigor mortis) and that’s why she was eliminated. However, I still believe Anslee should’ve been the one to get the boot. Her picture was bland (has she had a good shot yet?), she makes excuses (she couldn’t hear Dania, the photographer was telling her to grab the tub), and she has a perma-stank face. Sure, let’s keep that person around and get rid of the smart, pleasant girl with more modeling potential.

Ugh.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why didn’t we see all the contestants do an improve exercise? Do you think Dania Ramirez is embarrassed to be known “from ‘Heroes’”? (Ick, get that stench off me.) Finally, how long until Nigel takes a swing at ALT?