America's Next Top Recap: Hairy Situation

After an entire season’s worth of drama last week in the “Top Model” house, things couldn’t help but be calmer in the latest episode.

So yes, “America’s Next Top Model” was 65% less sour and annoying last night (and sure to get even less sour and annoying given who was eliminated). On top of that, we were treated to some hilariously crummy special effects. (We owe New Zealand an apology.)

Overall, not a bad way to spend an hour.

The hour opened with the girls getting an unannounced visit (seriously, someone just walking into my house would’ve freaked me out) from “The City” star Whitney Port and legendary supermodel Pat Cleveland (and her freaky-deaky eye makeup). Cleveland is one of those famous women who swans in and out of rooms and could be anywhere between 48 and 77 years old. I kind of like her.

After taking the girls on a mini-shopping spree, the modeltestants were taken to a club populated by curiously burly women. In fact, it turned out to be a drag club, and the women were tasked with displaying their personality during an impromptu runway challenge.

The episode had opened with Krista complaining about coming close to - but not earning - top photo honors, Alexandra complaining about being stuck in a rut, and Anslee mentioning that she has a kid back home. (I had no idea). Unsurprisingly, these three were the focus throughout the episode. (With a little Angelea and Alasia sprinkled in, unfortunately.)

Since the challenge took place at a drag club, I figured Angelea had it in the bag (how has no one in the panel mentioned how drag-tastic she is?) Instead, it was Krista who dominated with her strong walk and REALLY clinched the win with her rotating mannequin move at the end of the runway. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Anslee busted out an even harsher look than her usual facial expression. Apparently, walking with a stern look on her face = Anslee being true to herself. Since, I’ve run out of ways to call Anslee a thoroughly unpleasant person, I absolutely agree that she was being true to her personality. The only problem is that her personality sucks.

Before the photo shoot, we were treated to a redux of the “Alasia takes a long time to get ready” storyline. As a guy, I imagine that all these women take a long time to get ready (at least to us menfolk), so I have to wonder how much bathroom/mirror time Alasia logs to make OTHER WOMEN say, “Damn, she takes a long time!” Either way, the girls made a show of walking out of the apartment and leaving Alasia behind, but that whole “drama” was resolved when Alasia caught up with them in the van. So, instead of grimly waiting for her in the apartment, they all decided to grimly wait for her in the van. Um, message sent?

The week’s photo shoot had the girls splitting up into two teams (for reasons that remain completely unclear to me) and modeling outfits made out of hair. (Paging Chris March’s season 4 finale collection on “Project Runway.”) It was almost amusing to see the girls jeer the competitors on the opposite teams during a photo shoot (my favorite part was Jessica randomly calling someone a “two-dollar whore”), but other than that the team element didn’t come into play.

Since this was unofficially Krista Week, she finally won top photo honors and it was very well deserved. Krista (pictured, left) is definitely not your typical pretty girl, but she’s got an incredibly strong model-esque look and this week she channeled Grace Jones with her fierceness during the shoot. In fact, every time she threw out a new pose, it was as if she was saying “Bam!” in her head. Krista received strong competition from Raina for top photo honors (in my mind) and from Angelea (in the judges’ mind). I didn’t really get Angelea’s photo, but then again I hate Angelea, so I’m not objective.

The worst photos belonged to Anslee (who busted out her patented Anslee face) and Alexandra (who looked like she was falling). It was a little hard to get invested in who got eliminated. I obviously dislike seeing Anslee on my TV every week, but Alexandra was becoming an increasingly wet blanket with her “whoa is me attitude.” In the end, the panel decided to keep the competition’s one remaining plus-size model and reunite Anslee with her daughter. (Probably the right call.)

The remaining six ladies are off to New Zealand, which Tyra revealed after an extended, nightmarish skit that involved the tired judges going to sleep, footage of sheep being brought into a room (that was SO not the judges’ room) and the judges literally grabbing Zs dangling from fishing lines held by a group of long-suffering production assistants. It may sound like I’m complaining, but I actually wish this season had more moments of inspired lunacy like this, instead of the depressing nastiness we’ve gotten so far.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is being “fierce” really better than being “major”? What was up with that elevator? (Why wouldn’t the light go on when she was pressing the button?) Finally, where did they get all that hair? (Barbershop and salon floors?)