Hell's Kitchen: Anger Management

It took five seasons, but the show has finally openly acknowledged what most of us already knew: these alleged “chefs” are really just a bunch of clowns.

I don’t know about you, but I was getting an amusement park vibe even before the new, carnival-themed (hilariously awful) opening credits for season six debuted. As the new chefs moved from one helpful flat-screen TV giving them really basic advice to another, I got a flashback to waiting in line for the “Back to the Future” ride at Universal Studios.

After that, the 16 contestants entered “Hell’s Kitchen” and we were treated to a two-hour, supersize premiere event of what Fox promises will be the “most shocking” season ever. I don’t know about “most shocking”, but this season definitely has a leg up in being the “most loudest” season ever.

Even though we had two hours to get to know these fools, I still don’t feel like I know most of the chefs well enough to really do a well-informed recap. So I’m going to give you my ridiculously early snap judgments instead. I’m also going to split the contestants into categories ranging from those who could actually win this thing to the poor souls who have no chance.

(Since, I don’t run from my embarrassments [there are too many of them] let me be the first to noate that I initially listed eventual winner Danny under the “No Chance to Win” category. That just goes to prove the old saying is true — you can’t judge a chef by his redneck-y cover. It also goes to prove that I have no idea what I’m talking about.)

Enough talk. Let’s jump into two hours of “Hell” that featured two eliminations, one return, and countless references to a shrimp’s nutsack.

COULD ACTUALLY WIN THIS THING

Kevin: Though not a grammar whiz (“I’ve won every culinary award you could do”) he seems very competent and willing to jump in when a teammate is in trouble (he did this in both dinner services last night). However, is he being helpful or too bossy? I also like the fact that he looks like a mini version of Chef Scott.

Jim: Impressed Ramsay with his Ahi tuna during the signature dish challenge and appears to have an appealing, low-key sense of humor. He also seems pretty even-keeled, though that demeanor will be put to the test when Ramsay inevitably gets in his face. His biggest mistake was not taking off his jacket when he first entered “Hell.”

Ariel: Even though she was the first person to speak, I don’t really remember too much about her (other than a passing resemblance to Maya Rudolph). Then again, that means she didn’t screw up noticeably during either dinner service and flying under the radar certainly has its advantages.

Tek: It’s entirely possible that I’m placing her here because she reminds me of the VERY capable Ji from last season (who had to bow out because of an ankle injury). However, the show did something it almost never does during her introduction — it portrayed the currently unemployed chef as a somewhat sympathetic figure. Although she, Lovely and Melinda would still be working on that appetizer if Ramsay hadn’t shut the kitchen down, I think she’s definitely a person to keep an eye on.

Robert: I struggled about placing him here, but the same question keeps popping up in my head— why bring Robert back? As my astute girlfriend pointed out, he looks just as HUGE (if not fatter) than he did last season, so it’s not like he’s any healthier. He was somewhat talented, but I wouldn’t call him amazing. To me he was more memorable for his mildly ignorant soundbites — and for being fat. If they were going to bring someone back, I would’ve much rather seen Ji or season three’s Julia. Ramsay obviously didn’t bring him back to send him home any time soon, so he’ll be around a while. The longer he stays, the better chance he has of winning, so I’m placing him as the long shot among the favorites.

PROBABLY CAN’T WIN

Amanda: Probably my favorite from this category. She narrowly escaped elimination during the first service after she mistakenly put the salmon in the freezer instead of the fridge, inspiring Ramsay to liken it to a “bison penis” (Fear Factor flashback!) The salmon thing seemed more like an honest mental mistake than a sign of complete incompetence. However, I can’t place someone who takes 45 minutes to cook a signature dish, and that dish is a margarita French toast (weak!), as one of the favorites to win.

Dave: With his backwards cap and aw shucks demeanor, this young chef reminds me of Danny. (And of Jack White.) Unfortunately, I don’t see the show crowning two Danny’s in a row, especially when Danny 2.0 can’t cook brussel sprouts.

Tennille: Was very strong in the first dinner service, but completely choked during the second hour when she had to work with shrimp. She couldn’t clean it and she couldn’t prepare table side scampi, resulting in a disastrous hour. Still, I’m pulling for her because she seems to have good sense of humor. (My favorite line of the night was when she told Suzanne, “So you can clean shrimp. You’re not even a good person.” Nice comeback.) I think she’ll be fine (as long as they don’t work with shrimp again). I’m also not buying the hype that she’s out to intentionally murder pregnant women. If this doesn’t work out, she knows that she has a backup career as a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator.

Suzanne: Strong presence in the kitchen - too bad that she's coming off as a major bitch, which will inevitably cause friction with her teammates. Or, as Tennille would say, she's "not even a good person."

Andy: Not much of an impression (even less so than Ariel). The main thing I remember was Andy thinking it was a good idea to cut an undercooked chicken up and serve it as nuggets. Ramsay was not amused.

Joseph: Yes, I’m putting the possibly (PROBABLY) psychotic former military chef here. Sure, he hates eating with his hands and leisurely lunches (he stopped just short of saying “I’m not here to make friends” during the men’s second reward). And it’s entirely possible that he’ll be kicked out at the start of next week’s episode after his cliffhanger-y face off with Ramsay in the second hour. However, he’s shown some culinary skills and I’m thinking Ramsay might play the “I see a little bit of my younger self in you” card with him. Still, it’s though to imagine he’ll chill out (or that the producers WANT him to chill out) any time soon.

NO CHANCE

Tony: The inexperienced chef got WAY too excited when Ramsay told him he “had potential” during the signature dish challenge, and he proceeded to bomb on the fish station during the second hour. He’ll be around a few more weeks thank to his “flair”, funny sound bites and the fact that Ramsay probably wants someone really small to bully.

Lovely: She sucks. During the two hours last night, she didn’t show that she could cook anything. Instead she showed that she was really lazy, abandoning her teammates for 45 minutes during the first dinner service. Other than that, I like her.

Van: Sorry, but I’m once again judging a chef by his redneck-y cover. I know the show wants to play up the “more than meets the eye” angle, but Van seems way too roid rage-y to survive this process. I mean, who almost gets into a physical fight with (my boy) Jean-Philippe? I’m also pretty sure he told Jim to “*bleep* his *bleep*” during the second hour.

Sabrina: Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is with her cooking or with her physical appearance. I mean, really, Sabrina?!

Melinda: Obviously she doesn’t have a chance to win because she was eliminated at the end of the first hour for wasting half of the pasta in Italy. Still, she made quite an impression. I’ll miss her misguided attempts to seduce Chef Ramsay and her dramatic prairie dog impersonation in the kitchen.

Louie: I would’ve put him in this category even if Ramsay hadn’t kicked him out in the middle of the first service. Even if you don’t count the sexism (“women belong in the kitchen doing dishes”? SERIOUSLY?!), he was a deadly combination of hotheadedness, delusion and lack of fine dining skills. Unless you consider his heart-attack on a plate signature dish of sausage with biscuit ON a biscuit “fine dining.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Which past contestant (not counting Robert) were you happiest to see — Bonnie, Coe-lleen, Aaron or Heather? (Did Heather already run the restaurant she “won” as the season two champ into the ground?) Who’s going to snap first — Joseph or Van? (I think Joseph has a slight advantage in this race). Who do you hope gets the grand prize, the head chef position at British Columbia's Araxi Restaurant. (Sorry, Canada.) Finally, will either team actually get through a dinner service next week?