NFL 2009 Week 17 Picks

Like the Saints and the Vikings, I’m limping into the playoffs.

After nothing but success, I’ve had two losing weeks in a row (7-9 week, 142-85 overall). Unlike the Saints and the Vikings, my picks record doesn’t really mean anything, so if I don’t get myself straightened out the worse that’ll happen is I’ll get mocked online. (On the other hand, if the Vikings don’t get straightened out, they could become the third consecutive franchise to get temporarily blown up by Brett Favre. Also, if the Saints don’t get straightened out, they’re letting down an entire city.)

No pressure.

INDIANAPOLIS @ BUFFALO
If Jim Caldwell wanted to rest his players, that’s fine. Announce that you’re starting them and pulling them at halftime. However, making everyone (including his starters – did you see how annoyed some of the Colts looked on the sideline?) think he was going to play to win, only to pull the rug out from under everybody is bad karma. Yes, the Colts were 14-0 and had earned the right to do whatever the hell they wanted. Still, intentionally throwing away a close game with playoff implications is poopy. I hope the Jets get into the playoffs and beat the Colts in the second round!

JACKSONVILLE @ CLEVELAND
Does anyone know why the Browns decided they wanted to try and save Eric Mangini’s job with four weeks to play? Anybody?!

SAN FRANCISCO @ ST. LOUIS
Remember how I bashed the Colts for throwing a game away that had playoff implications? Well, that doesn’t really apply here. I’m not saying the Rams should TRY to lose – I’m saying that a loss here means they win the Ndamukong Suh (pictured, right) sweepstakes, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.

PITTSBURGH @ MIAMI
I know Pittsburgh needs a LOT of help to get into the playoffs, but I’m getting a Jason Vorhees vibe from this team – they will NOT die!

N.Y. GIANTS @ MINNESOTA
Dome sweet dome.

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY
I’ll believe that Bill Cowher and his chin are coming to Tampa when I see it. Also, don’t look now, but the Bucs have noticeably improved in the past month or so. I wonder how good of a job Raheem Morris could do if he got good players in here.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA
Matt Moore, the quarterback of the future for the Panthers? Why the hell not?

NEW ENGLAND @ HOUSTON
I know New England has nothing to play for and will likely rest their starters, but one of Newton’s Laws of Physics is that the Texans HAVE to finish 8-8, right? (In a related story, they’re 8-7 right now.)

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
I think the Bears will have a second consecutive strong showing that will be just enough to save Lovie Smith’s job. (Insert groan from Bears fans.)

BALTIMORE @ OAKLAND
I know the Raiders are frisky, but Baltimore simply CAN’T blow this fantastic chance to get into the postseason – can they?

GREEN BAY @ ARIZONA
These two potential first-round opponents won’t (and shouldn’t) show their opponent too much. By the way, watch out for Arizona.

WASHINGTON @ SAN DIEGO
After two consecutive stink bombs, I vote that we banish Washington from prime time for the next two seasons. No? Ok, how about just Jason Campbell?

TENNESSEE @ SEATTLE
Seattle is so bad that I’d be surprised if Chris Johnson did NOT rush for 234 yards and breaks the single-season record.

PHILADELPHIA @ DALLAS
Don’t you see what they’re doing, Cowboys fans? They’re roping you in for another playoff choke job. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

KANSAS CITY @ DENVER
I think scholars will be debating for years to come whether the Broncos 2009 season was successful. They appeared to meltdown before a single game was played, but started 6-0 before getting to where they are now – on the verge of missing the playoffs. Oy, my head hurts – I’ll let you figure this one out.

CINCINNATI @ N.Y. JETS
I just have a bad feeling about this one. Sorry, Jets fans.

Brothers Review

I’m pretty sure there was a period of time years ago when I (and you) thought Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal were the same person.

(It’s called the Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman phenomenon and it refers to two celebs who only vaguely look like each other, but get confused for one another all the time for no good reason.)

So I suppose it makes sense that Maguire and Gyllenhaal finally ended up playing siblings in “Brothers”, director Jim Sheridan’s remake of a 2004 Danish drama of the same name.

Maguire plays Capt. Sam Cahill, a Marine with a wife named Grace (Natalie Portman) and two daughters (the excellent Bailee Madison and Taylor Geare) who is about to embark on his fourth tour of duty in Afghanistan. Gyllenhaal plays Tommy Cahill, Sam’s irresponsible brother who just got out of jail.

When Sam’s helicopter is shot down overseas and he is presumed dead, Tommy gradually steps up to help Grace and the two eventually become, um, closer.

I don’t think it’s a major spoiler to say that Sam survives the crash and is captured and imprisoned by the Taliban before eventually being rescued.

Sheridan (“In America”) takes his sweet time in telling his story. This works better for the first half of the flick — when we’re still getting to know the characters and watching their relationships develop (particularly Tommy and Grace’s) — than it does for the final portion. In fact, it appears that Sheridan took so much time in the beginning, that the movie’s final act feels hurried and unsatisfying.

That’s too bad, because Tobey Maguire is kind of excellent in this movie. I’ve always thought he was a decent-to-good actor, but I didn’t really think he had THIS in him.

Right from the very beginning, you can tell Sam doesn’t feel as comfortable at home with his family (even as he playfully wrestles with his daughters) as he is doing his job. Maguire also plays Sam’s initial resolve and harrowing breakdown during his imprisonment equally well. By the time he comes back to the States, Maguire makes him look like a thoroughly disconnected ghost.

Meanwhile, Natalie Portman always looks too young for the role she’s playing. Fortunately, that quality serves her well here, since Grace is understandably overwhelmed by the news of her husband’s death. Though the film is called “Brothers”, I actually would’ve liked to have seen a stronger focus on Grace, since she ends up being the siblings’ focal point. However, the story is more equally divided between Sam and Tommy.

Gyllenhaal is fine as Tommy. I would’ve preferred the character to have been more dark and disturbed than what we got. The way Gyllenhaal played him he was simply a lazy, irresponsible jackass with Jake Gyllenhaal’s puppy dog eyes. I get that the character was supposed to have a good heart, but I would’ve liked to have seen an element of danger from Tommy.

Though the acting is strong overall (including the best child performance I’ve seen this year by Madison and another nice, cranky turn by Sam Shepard) the movie ends up being somewhat sabotaged by a rushed finale. (Sam catches on to Grace and Tommy’s connection almost instantly and things quickly spiral out of control.)

Oh well, at least now we have definitive proof that Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal are two different people.

Brothers…B

Ninja Assassin Review

It’s kind of a shame that a great title like “There Will Be Blood” was wasted on a film about an oilman.

Not only could it be used as a substitute for any of the 27 “Saw” movies, but it would also perfectly describe “Ninja Assassin”, the latest production from the Wachowski Brothers (“The Matrix”).

Then again, “Ninja Assassin” is a pretty damn concise title in its own right.

In case you couldn’t guess (or you thought the title was ironic), the movie follows Raizo (played by Korean pop star Rain), a – wait for it – ninja assassin who trained how to be a killer from a very early age until he and the rest of his clan had a disagreement.

Eventually, Raizo teams up with pretty (of course she’s pretty, this is a movie) Europol agent Mika (Naomie Harris), who uncovers the idea that real-live ninjas have been performing political assassinations for years and becomes a target.

Personally, I thought that would’ve been an interesting angle for the movie to explore. However, director James McTeigue (“V for Vendetta”) and co-writers Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski had other ideas.

Maybe it’s because I saw this movie at around 10:40 a.m. (it was probably too early in the morning for me to see people’s heads exploding and arms and legs being sliced off), but I was taken aback at first by the insane ultraviolence in this movie. (Another contributing factor was probably the relatively low-key ad campaign for this movie – then again, what did I expect walking into a movie called “Ninja Assassin”?!)

I’m no prude, and I eventually settled into the movie’s crazed rhythm. I just wish that if the movie were going to go SO gleefully over-the-top with the violence, it would extend that sense of playfulness to other parts of the flick.

Instead, what we get is a fairly humorless and (even worse) standard tale about a lone martial arts warrior who survived excruciating training (told through one or two too many flashbacks), loses a woman he loves and vows revenge. I’m not saying the tone had to be “Kung Fu Hustle” goofy, but the non-action scenes could’ve definitely used some sense of playfulness.

It’s a shame too because I got the feeling Rain could’ve been a completely magnetic lead if given the chance. He certainly looked the part physically, but I would’ve liked to have seen a little more of the star’s charisma shine through. Instead, Harris probably gives the movie’s most appealing performance, while Sho Kosugi is scary and completely badass as the cruel leader of the ninja assassin clan.

Of course, the real star of the movie is the action sequences. The massacre that opens the movie will grab your attention, to say the least. I actually enjoyed the more subtle effect of having the ninjas appear and disappear through the shadows.

In the end, “Ninja Assassin” probably accomplished what it set out to do — that would be entertaining audiences with its impressive, over-the-top action sequences.

I just wish the movie would’ve had a little more fun doing it.

Ninja Assassin…C+

NFL 2009 Week 16 Picks

I interrupt this Christmas break for some NFL quick picks.

(Yes, I know I missed out on Friday night's Titans/Chargers game, but if it makes you feel any better, I was gonna pick the Titans, so I'm off to an 0-1 start this week.)

Last time, I had my first losing week of the year (7-9 week, 135-76 overall). The (predicted) winners for week 16 are in bold.

BUFFALO @ ATLANTA
KANSAS CITY @ CINCINNATI
OAKLAND @ CLEVELAND
I'm surprised that I'm actually still alive to do these pics - last Sunday, I watched Jerome Harrison rack up 67 points on my bench as I lost my opening-round playoff game in my fantasy football money league. Fortunately, I got talked off the ledge.
SEATTLE @ GREEN BAY
I had NO idea how bad Seattle was until I saw them get demolished by the Bucs last week.
BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH
HOUSTON @ MIAMI
JACKSONVILLE @ NEW ENGLAND
TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
CAROLINA @ N.Y. GIANTS
DETROIT @ SAN FRANCISCO
ST. LOUIS @ ARIZONA
N.Y. JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS
DENVER @ PHILADELPHIA
DALLAS @ WASHINGTON
MINNESOTA @ CHICAGO

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Do No Harm

For a show that’s had both feet firmly planted in the highly-stylized, “Screw logic! We’re gonna be as crazy as we can and have fun doing it” camp for the last couple of seasons, the latest season finale of “Nip/Tuck” was a real downer.

I mean, even the obligatory sex scene — a pregnant Kimber seducing Dr. Mike in hopes of tricking him into thinking he knocked her up — was more sad and desperate than it was hot. (Although Mike instantly diagnosing that she was pregnant was funny.)

Now, I’ve actually been ok with the show’s foray into ridiculousness — it’s not like “Nip/Tuck” is pretending to be all classy like “Mad Men” and I dig the unpredictability and, yes, the joyful depravity of the more outlandish episodes.

Still, “Wesley Clovis” was probably the closest this show has come to being a serious drama since its season 2 heyday. I realize the previous sentence should be unquantifiable praise, but I mostly felt like I was thrown for a loop.

I mentioned Kimber before, and I have to go back there again because Kelly Carlson has been kind of excellent the last couple of weeks.

Kimber notified Christian that he was pregnant, but Christian – having apparently taken too many of his asshole pills earlier in the day – told her to get rid of “it” if she wanted to be with him. After Plan B (Mike) didn’t work out, Kimber did what Kimber always ends up doing – she made a major sacrifice in order to satisfy Christian.

One of the episode’s unexpected treats was the scene between Kimber and Liz, the only person Kimber could think of to drive her home after her abortion. Earlier in the episode, Liz had surmised that Kimber getting pregnant was a way for her to keep Christian around. However, watching the two women bond over their “hate that I love him” relationship with Christian was touching. THIS is a good use of Liz, as opposed to the scorned, spiteful ex-wife from earlier this season.

It would’ve been nice if Christian’s character had SOME shading in this episode. Despite his actions and the fact that Kimber has said that she doesn’t believe Christian has a heart, I think we can all agree that the show has gone out of its way to show us that Christian, no matter how misguided and selfish he is, is NOT 100% evil. That’s why it was so disappointing to see him behave so horribly toward Kimber.

Maybe we can chalk it up to the fact that he was concerned about Matt’s life.

Sean and Christian were presented with an enticing offer: if they performed liposuction on a death room inmate accused of rape and murder to make him fit for execution, Matt would be let go. (Good negotiating skills, Christian!) Christian jumped at the chance, but Sean wasn’t interested in contributing to the death of a human being.

This was confusing for a couple of reasons. 1.) When Matt was a fugitive, Sean was the one who didn’t want to turn Matt into the police, while Christian was the one who thought jail would do him well. I can understand Christian’s change of heart, given that he knows how Matt has been terrorized in jail, but it was confusing to see Sean act this way. 2.) I’ve seen every last episode of this show (and I have them all on DVD) – let’s just say Sean has done WAY worse things from an ethical standpoint than helping the state execute an inmate.

Speaking of which, I would’ve appreciated if the simpleminded Wesley Clovis (played in a nice dramatic turn by the great Eric Stonestreet of “Modern Family”) hadn’t been so obviously innocent. The simpleminded inmate being executed gave off a whiff of “The Green Mile”, while the “my cellmate confessed to REALLY committing the crime” reeked of “The Shawshank Redemption.” (I guess the writers were reading some Stephen King in their Book of the Month club.)

Anyway, the guys eventually agreed to the surgery, and Matt was free to go. Matt chose his freedom even though it meant that an innocent man was being executed. I know we were meant to be surprised by Matt’s choice to let a man die so he can go free, but why? Matt’s pretty much always been a loser scumbag – now he’s got an evil streak just like his (biological) daddy. The warden was right – Matt’s not exactly rehabilitated.

That led to the heartbreaking execution scene (very well played by Stonestreet, Dylan Walsh and Julian McMahon), which came before an even better scene.

Previous “Nip/Tuck” cliffhangers have had Christian in the hands of the Carver, and Sean bleeding to death after being attacked. That’s why I appreciated the subtlety of all the main characters (and the kids who are only dragged out to let us know the writers haven’t forgotten that these people are supposed to have kids) coming together and eating Chinese food at the end.

Everything looked all right on the surface (kind of the theme of the show), but we all knew the horrors they were each masking.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you surprised to hear almost no mention of the practice’s financial troubles? Would you have told the truth if you were Matt? Finally, were you hoping for/expecting a more outlandish finale?

NFL 2009 Week 15 Picks

Week 15 of the NFL season gives us games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Football in four out of the next seven days? Yes, please.

I did well with my picks last time (11-5 week, 128-67 overall) but things are about to get tricky as certain teams start resting players, while others make a push for the playoffs.

INDIANAPOLIS @ JACKSONVILLE
The Jags seem to usually play the Colts pretty close and there’s no way to know for sure when Colts coach Jim Caldwell will start sending his starters to the bench. Out of the two teams that are undefeated, the Colts appear to be the one that really doesn’t care about going 16-0, but I’m still going with Indy. Going with Indy has served me well this year…

DALLAS @ NEW ORLEANS
…so has going with the Saints. Even if the Cowboys weren’t on the verge of their annual collapse, I’d love New Orleans at home.

ATLANTA @ N.Y. JETS
I don’t know if it’ll be Mark Sanchez vs. Matt Ryan or Kellen Clemens vs. Chris Redman. I DO know the Jets defense has sneakily started dominating opponents again in recent weeks.

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA
I was tempted to go with the Niners, but then I remembered Alex Smith would be starting on the road in Philly. No thanks.

NEW ENGLAND @ BUFFALO
The Patriots’ only road win this year was against the Bucs (in England). That’s not good.

CHICAGO @ BALTIMORE
The Bears aren’t kinda bad – they’re REALLY bad!

MIAMI @ TENNESSEE
Might sneakily be the best game of the week. I’ll take the resurgent Titans, even if Vince Young doesn’t end up playing.

CLEVELAND @ KANSAS CITY
Might (not-so) sneakily be the worst game of the week. Oh well, at least Jamaal Charles is doing his part to keep both of my fantasy teams alive. Hope he keeps it going through the (fantasy) playoffs.

ARIZONA @ DETROIT
The Cardinals laying that egg in San Francisco on Monday night was the most predictable thing in the world. So is Kurt Warner’s inevitable 4 TD game on Sunday.

OAKLAND @ DENVER
I like the Raiders approximately 120% less without scrappy Bruce Gradkowski leading them. How bad is JaMarcus Russell? The Raiders skipped right over him and are apparently starting Charlie Frye, whose name sounds like one of those made-up quarterbacks that show up when you play the Franchise mode of Madden for too long.

CINCINNATI @ SAN DIEGO
The Chargers are the second-best team in the AFC right now and they seem to own the best team in the AFC right now. Be afraid, Colts – be VERY afraid.

GREEN BAY @ PITTSBURGH
The Steelers aren’t kinda bad without Troy Polamalu – they’re just bad. (But not as bad as the Bears.)

TAMPA BAY @ SEATTLE
Ever since I said Josh Freeman (pictured, right) was better than Matt Moore, Freeman is on a 0 TD – 8 INT tear. I’ll just keep quiet from now on.

MINNESOTA @ CAROLINA
Why didn’t NBC flex their way out of this one and give us Bengals/Chargers in primetime instead?

N.Y. GIANTS @ WASHINGTON
The Redskins have a great instinct for rising up against hated division opponents. I just see it happening next week against the Cowboys.

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Brotherly Love

This show does a lot of crazy crap that I’ll forgive, but playing the previously-unseen/dead relative card isn’t crazy…it’s lazy.

And that, I’ll almost never forgive.

On top of that, seeing as how it was the last episode before the show’s fall finale/sixth season ender/whatever the hell they’re actually calling this thing, it seemed like an odd time to introduce a character no one was asking for and giving him a one-episode arc.

Neil Hopkins, best known (to me) as Charlie’s brother on “Lost”, played Brendan, who showed up battered and bruised and asking Sean for help. (I actually DO find it amusing and interesting that Sean, Christian and every character on this show think that plastic surgery can fix whatever is wrong with their lives.) For some reason that either wasn’t explained or that I missed, (totally possible since I cared so little) Brendan had been presumed dead by Sean and his family.

Anyway, Brendan showed up at the worst possible time for Christian, who was drowning in debt and had asked Sean for a loan. Christian asked Sean for the loan after his go-to move (nailing the unrealistically tasty IRS agent) didn’t work.

Look, if the show wanted to play the previously-unseen/dead relative card, there were several ways the writers could’ve made this story interesting. Unfortunately, the writers did none of these things.

We’ve all heard Christian and Sean say, “You’re my brother” to each other, so Christian’s hissy, immature reaction to Brendan’s presence was painfully predictable. Also predictable was Sean acting like a chump throughout the entire hour, first blindly embracing Brendan at Christian’s expense and later easily believing that his brother stole Christian’s watch and cufflinks. Oh yeah – if you didn’t figure out that Christian was framing Brendan, then you’re as big a chump as Sean is. (The show’s attempt to make us think Brendan was back to his old druggy ways by introducing his nose-less buddy was CLEARLY a fake out.)

Of course, what was lost in all this long-lost brother nonsense was what appears to be the major storyline heading into the show’s final batch of episodes – the McNamara/Troy practice is in serious trouble and will almost certainly close by the show’s end.

By the end of the episode, Christian had forged Sean’s signature on a loan he took out. Despite my well-documented opinion that he’s a chump, Sean WILL eventually find out about this. I’ll be interested to see if he finally flips out for real in a major way after recently being betrayed by his wife (Teddy) and his best friend/brother (Christian) over money.

Christian ended up forging that loan application after giving a large sum of money to the patient-of-the-week, Benny Nilsson.

Although I have a vague recollection of Sean’s brother being mentioned years ago, I definitely have a clearer memory of Christian’s past as a victim of sexual abuse from his adoptive father.

From Benny’s first meeting with Christian, in which the Swedish lad requested to look more like his adoptive father, we knew something was up. This being “Nip/Tuck”, it wasn’t a surprise to learn that it was all about sex.

The adoptive father was sexually abusing Benny during parties that looked like the European version of the “Ass-to-Ass” get-together from “Requiem for a Dream.” He wanted the surgery because people would pay more to watch a father-son duo who REALLY looked like they were related.

All together now – EWWWWWW!!!

Christian eventually beat the pulp out of creepy dad and blackmailed him into giving him the money he owed the IRS, which he, instead, handed over to Benny. Despite all the insanity on this show, I continue to be fascinated with Christian. He’s “good” enough to save this kid by blackmailing his adoptive father and beating him up, but then he turns around and betrays his best friend. I admire the refusal to redeem the character and I look forward to seeing what happens Wednesday night’s finale and in the final group of episodes.

So what’d you think of this episode? Other than Hopkins, which other actors are typecast as no-good siblings? Did you miss Matt or Julia in this episode? Finally, what’s one thing you would like to see happen during the finale?

NFL 2009 Week 14 Picks

It’s early December and the playoff races are heating up!

I’m talking, of course, about the playoff races in my two fantasy football leagues.

I’m currently clinging to the fourth and final playoff spot in both leagues. It’s basically a “win and I’m in” situation (though I’ll definitely need my Yahoo Plus team to put up a strong score so I can ensure a tiebreaker victory). I’m way too damn neurotic to actually watch any of the games on Sunday. I’ll probably have to head out and catch a movie or do some holiday shopping or something.

Oh, I suppose the playoff races in the ACTUAL NFL are heating up to. (At least for the AFC Wild Card.) Following a decent week of picks (9-7 week, 117-62 overall) let’s talk about those OTHER playoff races.

PITTSBURGH @ CLEVELAND
Ok, I know Pittsburgh is FREEEEE (Free Fallin’) and that they’re a completely different team without Troy Polamalu, (by “completely different,” I mean “bad.”) but I just don’t see them losing to the Browns. Cleveland is THAT bad and dysfunctional.

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA
With their trap game out of the way, I expect the Saints to be focused and blow the doors off a division foe. (And hopefully, Drew Brees will lead my fantasy teams to victory.)

GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO
Chicago is a bad team that is only capable of beating worse teams. Unfortunately for them, the Packers are peaking.

N.Y. JETS @ TAMPA BAY
The Jets won’t have Mark Sanchez but it won’t matter. New York could plug Vinny Testaverde into the starting lineup this Sunday and he would carve up the Bucs. (Don’t tell Vinny this though – he’d jump at the chance to come out of retirement…again.)

MIAMI @ JACKSONVILLE
Yes, the Dolphins beat the Patriots last week, but for some reason the Jaguars are REALLY good at home. It must be because no one shows up to watch them play, so there’s no pressure.

DETROIT @ BALTIMORE
We know the drill – Baltimore will beat up another sorry/shorthanded team and we’ll convince ourselves they have a shot at the plaoffs.

SEATTLE @ HOUSTON
It’s about time for the Texans to make that late-season run at 8-8 we all know they have in them.

DENVER @ INDIANAPOLIS
Yes, Denver is looking good again, and yes the Colts might start resting people any day now, but I’m sticking with Indy until they lose.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY
Ick. Can’t imagine why anyone would be interested in this contest outside of fantasy football purposes. With that in mind, I hope Jamaal Charles (pictured, right) runs for 200 yards and two TDs.

CINCINNATI @ MINNESOTA
Sure, Arizona put a beatdown on Minnesota, but I like the Vikes to bounce back at home in a big way.

CAROLINA @ NEW ENGLAND
New England can’t win on the road (their one “road” win was in England). Fortunately, they’re back at home. Even more fortunately, they’re up against Carolina.

WASHINGTON @ OAKLAND
I’m thoroughly delighted by the Bruce Gradkowski-led Raiders. Coming into the Black Hole and trying to take a win from that squad won’t be easy. (File that under “Sentences I never thought I’d write”.)

ST. LOUIS @ TENNESSEE
Honestly, I’d be surprised if Chris Johnson does NOT rush for over 200 yards. That’s how good he is (and that’s how bad the Rams D is.)

SAN DIEGO @ DALLAS
I realize it’s not Tony Romo’s fault (this time), but I’m going to go ahead and keep picking against the ‘Boys in December, thankyouverymuch.

PHILADELPHIA @ N.Y. GIANTS
We all know this race HAS to come down to the bitter end, so I’m going with the Giants for the win and to tie the Eagles in the division standings.

ARIZONA @ SAN FRANCISCO
Arizona looked fantastic against the Vikings and has been great on the road this season. That’s why I fully expect them to lay one of their patented eggs this week.

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Fat Chance

We know “Nip/Tuck” can be both fantastically outrageous and relentlessly dark.

“Lola Wlodkowski” went for “fantastically outrageous” and delivered what was probably one of the silliest episodes in the show’s run. (I think it was probably too silly by half.)

Where do I even start? How about with the picture accompanying this column?

Liz had brought her straight, nudist, larger-than-life friend Lola Wlodkowski so that Christian could remove some of her moles. It didn’t take long for Lola to give Christian some serious “f--- me” eyes and for the two to hook up in the examination room. I know this scene was slightly played for laughs, but I have to admit – Lola’s self-assuredness and aggressiveness was hella sexy. I totally bought that Christian would want to hit that. (This also proves the old expression that “confidence is sexy” is 100% true and NOT just something ugly confident people say to feel better about themselves.)

Since he and Kimber are now dating (I know she broke up with Mike last episode, but this was still a little sudden), Christian confessed and Kimber was relieved, since she’d been annoyingly fussing about her weight earlier in the episode. Now she was free to eat whatever she wanted, leading Christian to imagine the outrageous scenario that put Kelly Carlson in a fat suit. (Do we think they just recycled Gwyneth Paltrow’s from “Shallow Hal”?) It was funny, but not exactly original, stuff.

Meanwhile, Sean was dealing with a patient named Tracy who, along with her plastic-y husband, worshipped Barbie and Ken. They admired the dolls so much that the completely desexualized duo wanted Sean to remove Tracy’s nipples. This came at a time when Sean was considering giving up sex altogether after his recent rough patch. (See: Julia running back to New York after sleeping with him; Teddy trying to kill him.) Sean couldn’t even be cheered up by the hooker Christian sent over. (What? Were you expecting a stripper?!)

This all lead to a hilarious “Leave it to Beaver from Hell” fantasy sequence in which Sean and Tracy slept in separate beds until he convinced his wife to give him oral sex only to discover he was a Ken doll “down there.” (Funny stuff!)

I get what the show was trying to do with these two patients, but I only think it succeeded with one of them. Lola (with her zest for sex and uber-confidence) was behaving the way someone who looks like Tracy should act, while Tracy (with her no sex stand) is what some people might expect from someone who looks like Lola.

In the end, Sean and Christian broke each woman down. I was glad to see Sean accept that sex and passion and messiness are just part of what make relationships worth having and hooking up with Tracy. I did NOT want to see him wallow in his own sorrow for a few more episodes.

I was MUCH less happy to see Christian succeed in getting Lola to believe she needed to look thinner. I get that this is what Christian does (bring people down to his level) and that he almost always succeeds at it, but, damnit, why couldn’t Lola REALLY have been the sexy, confident woman who wasn’t afraid to throw “f--- me” eyes at a guy who’s probably WAY out of her league. Also, I couldn’t definitely done without the mass (and I DO mean MASS) exodus of nudists who came to Lola’s rescue before her surgery. It’s not that I’m squeamish – I just thought it was really dumb. (This and the “G.I. Joe” revelation in the “Barbie” subplot was just one thing too many.)

Much more effective was Kelly Carlson’s performance in this episode. I wasn’t expecting anything heartbreaking from her (I mean, she DID vamp it up in a fat suit not too long ago), but the scene in which she broke down exactly why she and Christian keep reconnecting was absolutely perfect. She and Christian both hate each other, but they also hate themselves, and, as a result, they don’t believe that they deserve anyone better. It’s a sad, depressing thought, but it’s also 100% right on.

Given the light mood of this episode, Christian didn’t seem to dwell too much on this revelation and, instead, had a threesome with Kimber and Tracy. At first, I thought it was a little jarring, random and convenient for all the women (well, not Lola) to wind up in Christian and Sean’s apartment (hello again, hooker), but I’d much rather see the guys accept and revel in who they are rather than moodily try to break a pattern they can never really deviate from.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do Christian and Kimber deserve better than each other? Finally, would you ever have your nipples removed? (I’ve become quite attached to mine.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Breast Intentions

You should never, under ANY circumstances, give your own son breasts.

(You probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about for two reasons: 1) You haven’t been watching “Nip/Tuck” this year or 2.) You’ve been watching, but I waited SO long to write about “Alexis Stone II” that you simply forgot what happened in this episode. Reason #2 is on me – I actually thought I’d already written this recap up until a few days ago.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah – you should NEVER give your own son breasts. You just can’t do it. This is something I feel very passionate about. I’d even be willing to film a (fake) public service announcement to get the message out.

I don’t even care if it’s a matter of life and death, as it was in this episode when Matt begged Christian to give him breast implants to save his life. It turns out Matt isn’t quite womanly enough for his brutally abusive new cellmate and the intimidating fellow tried to force Christian to give Matt breast implants. (Because that TOTALLY makes it less gay!)

Look, I’m not saying that I’d let my theoretical/nonexistent son die. It’s just that if I were a hot shot plastic surgeon, I’d probably get one of my plastic surgeon contacts to perform the operation. There just isn’t any way I would be the one to give my son breasts. Let’s think this through for a minute. You give your son breasts so that he (maybe) doesn’t get brutalized anymore. There’s just one small problem. Well, two actually – YOUR SON NOW HAS BREASTS.

Kudos to “Nip/Tuck” for the absolutely disturbing fantasy sequence in which Christian imagined that he’d performed the operation. Even more kudos to the writers for finally having Matt stand up for himself! The guy doesn’t need any more problems, so I hope the warden considers the death of his sadistic cellmate an act of self-defense and not murder.

Unfortunately, I have to take kudos away from the writers for bringing back indecisive, gender-bending Alexis Stone for a second consecutive episode. I get that she was there to parallel Matt’s story and show that our anatomy doesn’t necessarily make us who we are, but her/his appearance was mostly pointless and boring. If they were going to bring back an outrageous character from a previous episode, bring back Jenny Juggs or the serial killer who murdered Teddy or anyone else who’s actually interesting.

Still, this episode is mostly a winner for finally – after 5 1/2 seasons – having whiny wet blanket Julia DO something unequivocally awesome! (Of course, it also happened to be highly illegal.)

Things didn’t look encouraging at the start of the episode. To present a united front against Julia’s mom Erica, Sean and Julia went house-shopping and (predictably) fell into bed together. These two have gone back and forth so much (and Julia has been so annoying), that I honestly don’t even want to waste time wondering if I want them to be together or not. It was during a post-coital conversation that Sean revealed his master plan – he’d plant cocaine(!?) on Erica’s new hubby Renaldo and get control of Annie back. Julia thought it was absurd, went in the bathroom, closed the door and flushed the drugs – or so we (or at least I) thought.

Ah, Renaldo. We knew there had to be something off about this guy since he married a woman who looked like his grandmother. (Don’t get me wrong, I think Vanessa Redgrave is kinda sexy, but still…) Although, Erica is a brilliant psychologist, I’m willing to buy that her thirst to recapture her youth blinded her to the fact that Renaldo is a pedophile.

Although this twist was appropriately disgusting, it was a bit random. I mean, what was Renaldo’s plan? To marry a MUCH older woman so he could hit on her granddaughter? All I know is that the scene in which Renaldo was photographing Annie featured “Goodbye Horses”, aka the song Buffalo Bill danced to in “The Silence of the Lambs.” In other words, this guy was clearly up to no good. Another thing I know – Vanessa Redgrave can make a line like “I found him with her underpants, ejaculating” sound elegant. Damn she’s good!

She’s so good that it was great to finally see real-life daughter Joely Richardson rise to the challenge on this show. After a kiss-off scene that would’ve been terribly cruel if it hadn’t been absolutely deserved, Erica went to the airport to skip town. The only problem is that Julia had planted the bag of cocaine in her bag, so I’m guessing Erica’s flight is going to be delayed. If this is the last we see of Erica, it was a pretty sweet comeuppance for a wickedly bitchy character AND a terrific triumph for Julia.

VERY well played.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you even remember any of this stuff happening? Since Kimber dumped him and he's left McNamara/Troy, is this the last we've seen of Mike? Does "The Silence of the Lambs" ever get old? Finally, are there any circumstances in which you can imagine giving your own son breasts? (If so, what, exactly, is wrong with you?)

Heroes: Better Nate Than Never

Ok, I’m assuming Nathan is dead for good this time.

(I’m also assuming I didn’t ruin anything with that first sentence because this episode aired way back on Monday and it’s not exactly a state secret that Adrian Pasdar has been removed from “Heroes.”)

If you’ve watched this show from the beginning, I’m sure you can understand my skepticism, given the fact that a Nathan Petrelli death/near death experience has been a yearly ritual during every season finale. (See: being fried by a bomb-ified Peter at the end of season 1, being shot in the chest by Future Peter at the end of season 2, and being ACTUALLY killed by Sylar at the end of season 3.)

Monday’s episode, “The Fifth Stage”, was this year’s semi-official “fall finale”, so we all knew what was coming.

Still, I’ll be damned if this episode didn’t make me care (going back to a key pilot episode location was a smart move), despite all the rampant ridiculousness.

The episode’s title, of course, refers to the five stages of grief. Peter was having trouble getting to stage #5 – acceptance. More specifically, Peter couldn’t accept the fact that his brother was really dead. As a result, he borrowed the Haitian’s power (this character has been more effective as a verb this season than as an actual person) and set about finding Sylar.

He didn’t have to wait long since cheeky Sylar – disguised as a middle-aged black woman(?!) – assaulted Peter before the two fought it out in a curiously abandoned portion of the hospital. (Another aside: has the Haitian’s power always been voluntary? I always thought his mere presence zapped people’s powers – although, clearly that’s not the case since Sylar chokeslammed Peter.)

In a nice change from the usual m.o. on this show, we actually got to see the two characters fight, even though it was basically a fist fight. Peter got the upper hand and, after trying to beat the living Nathan out of Sylar, erased the bad guy’s memory and got Nathan back momentarily.

Peter and Nathan took a little field trip to where it all began for them way back in the show’s first-ever episode. The brothers visited the roof that Peter jumped from to prove he could fly, and that Nathan jumped off to save his brother. The scene began promisingly enough with Nathan stating why he denied his ability to fly at first (“It was an election year”), but soon devolved into silly melodrama. Adrian Pasdar is a really good actor, but even he couldn’t sell Nathan’s momentary transformations into Sylar.

What WAS believable was the weariness in Nathan’s voice and his desire to rest in peace. He jumped off the roof and finally convinced his brother to let him go (nice job by Milo Ventimiglia in this scene too). I (and a lot of people) have been saying that this show needs to kill off characters for good, but I don’t really think Nathan should’ve been one of them. (How about Parkman, Mohinder, etc.?) Since I’ll miss Nathan so much, I’ll forgive the HIGHLY questionable green screen shot of Nathan falling and morphing into a smiling Sylar.

Here’s hoping the writers actually DO something with Sylar in 2010. Yes, Zachary Quinto is the only actor having fun on this show, but right now the character has no purpose (he hasn’t been a Big Bad since season 1) and is really just a clown. A clown who amuses me, but a clown nonetheless.

The show’s other subplot included Claire’s trip to the Sullivan Bros. carnival where she got the hard sell from Samuel.

Clearly, one of the season’s biggest mysteries has centered around what Samuel’s true motivations are. We’re about halfway into season 4, and it’s still not entirely clear what his ultimate goal is. (But then again, I’m kinda thick.)

He keeps selling the carnival as a place where people with abilities can live out in the open without having to hide their abilities, but I don’t think “living out in the open” means what he thinks it means. Maybe it’s me, but isolating yourself from regular society so that you could use your powers on the down low (it’s not like that telepath was openly messing with the minor league jerk) does NOT qualify as living out in the open.

Samuel also seems to be selling a peaceful existence, but hasn’t thought twice about sending some of his minions to commit crimes, including murder. (Edgar slicing up Danko.) Given that Samuel was more concerned about going back in time so he could see what was in Dr. Suresh’s film and learn of his immense powers instead of going back in time to save his brother, I’m going to say he’s full of it, and he’s merely gathering as many superpowered beings as he can to launch an assault (that the TV audience won’t get to actually see) on, um, someone.

It seems he’ll have Claire on his side. She joined the carnival after taking a backstage tour and tasting some amazing popcorn. To be honest, my favorite part was puppet master Doyle’s cameo (a hug?!) and Claire’s casual description about how he’d tried to have Claire’s mom shoot her. I could’ve done without the episode-ending twist that Claire, apparently is NOT the one they’re after.

Maybe Samuel’s really after Noah. Sure, the show pulled the “we’re not after Claire, we’re after Noah” bait and switch last month with Invisible Rebecca, but I wouldn’t put it past this show to go back to that well.

Other than dealing with Samuel’s “multiplier” minion (nice use of camera tricks), Noah didn’t do too much in this episode, other than try to further his relationship with Lauren Gilmore, who is starting to grow on me. (Especially if she continues to deliver genius/ridiculous lines like “I Haitianed myself?!” The show could use more of that INTENTIONAL silliness) The multiplier made off with Noah’s box of Primatech files – which was apparently out in the open for everyone to see…and labeled “Primatech.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Did the show give Adrian Pasdar a proper sendoff? (Assuming he’s really, 100%, for sure gone!) What are Samuel’s intentions? Finally, which character are you most and least eager to see again? (Did anyone else groan at the shot of Hiro and Ando apparently breaking Mohinder out of that insane asylum? Groan!)

NFL 2009 Week 13 Picks

You may or may not have noticed (I’m going with “may not”), but I didn’t post any Sunday/Monday football picks this past weekend.

What can I say? I have a life and I didn’t sit at a computer long enough over the Thanksgiving holiday to jot down my picks. I think the fair thing to do would be to just assume I would’ve gotten them all right. No? Ok, well then we’ll just factor in my Thanksgiving day record and my record from week 11 (12-7) and add that to my season mark (which now stands at 108-55).

Enough about the past – let’s look ahead to week 13!

N.Y. JETS @ BUFFALO (in Toronto)
The Bills have kind of been ballin’ under new coach Perry Fewell (well, relatively speaking). If I HAD picked games last week, I definitely would’ve been wrong about Buffalo because I would’ve had Miami running all over them. Meanwhile, I don’t know what the opposite of “ballin’” is, but that’s what the Jets are doing. Last time these two teams met, rookie QB Mark Sanchez threw five picks – and that was AT home! I don’t see him doing any better north of the border.

PHILADELPHIA @ ATLANTA
Yes, the Falcons got by last week against the Bucs with Chris Redman at the helm, but I don’t think they’ll be as lucky when they play a team that’s actually good.

ST. LOUIS @ CHICAGO
As bad as the Bears have been (and they’ve been terrible), I don’t love it when dome teams to go Chicago in December – especially dome teams that are terrible.

OAKLAND @ PITTSBURGH
I actually contemplated writing an item this week entitled “Hines Ward is kind of a douche”, but I thought better of it, especially after he apologized for his douche-y comments about quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The Steelers are reeling, but, like the Cowboys last week, the Raiders “defense” is just the elixir they need to get better.

TENNESSEE @ INDIANAPOLIS
I like both of these teams a lot, but I’d be a fool if I backed out of my “I’m picking Indy until they lose” stance right now.

DENVER @ KANSAS CITY
Yes, the Broncos crushed the Giants on Monday night. However, I’m not so sure ALL their problems are fixed. I’m actually thinking they’ll trip over their own feet at Arrowhead this week.

NEW ENGLAND @ MIAMI
You wouldn’t like New England when they’re angry. Look for Randy Moss to catch 3 TDs. (And, of course, I’m facing him in one of my fantasy leagues…shudder.)

NEW ORLEANS @ WASHINGTON
I like the fire Washington has been playing with. They still find a way to lose almost every week, but I like the fire.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA
I’m already regretting this. You can laugh if you want, but Josh Freeman > Matt Moore. True story.

HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE
So the Texans ARE who I thought they were! This game should continue their steady slide into mediocrity and another 8-8 record.

SAN DIEGO @ CLEVELAND
Do the Browns even really count as a professional team anymore? This is a serious question.

DALLAS @ N.Y. GIANTS
Yes, the Giants got embarrassed on Thanksgiving, but I still feel like they’re going to be there in the end. Also, we’re in the December, that magical time of year when Tony Romo and the Cowboys fold like a window shade.

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE
I just thought about it for 15 solid seconds, and there’s not a single thing I care about in this game. I could probably say the same about the entire NFC West. Sorry. (So much for my preseason darling 49ers.)

MINNESOTA @ ARIZONA
I’m starting to think Brett Favre’s arm is NOT going to fall off for a change this December. No, wait a minute! He’s doing it again…he’s roping us in. With this win, his lasso will tighten even more around our collective waist.

BALTIMORE @ GREEN BAY
Let me get this straight: the Ravens needed overtime to beat the Steelers last week, even though they were at home and Pittsburgh was missing its best player (Troy Polamalu) AND its franchise quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger)? No thanks.

Scrubs Review

I apologize in advance, because this is going to come off more as a rant than a review.

It’s just that “Scrubs” is one of my favorite shows of all time, so what’s about to follow is more of an emotional response than I usually have toward stuff I review.

I’ve seen every episode of this show. Even after the quality noticeably dipped following the first four genius seasons, I hung in there and laughed because even diminished “Scrubs” is better than 75% of the sitcoms on TV.

Yes, the last couple of years were pretty rough, but I felt the show rebounded beautifully with a touching finale that wrapped up our protagonist’s arc (and the entire series) perfectly.

Except that it wasn’t the end.

When I heard that “Scrubs” had been renewed after such a perfect finale, I rolled my eyes. When I heard that “Scrubs” had been renewed and that it would focus on an entirely new group of med school students, I rolled my eyes so far and so hard that they popped out of my head and I had to have someone reattach them.

From what I understand, “Scrubs” creator Bill Lawrence wanted to give the new show a different title. (“Scrubs: Med” or “Med School.”) On top of that, Lawrence said a big reason he was hoping for another season was so that the crew (and some of the cast) wouldn’t be out of jobs, which is certainly admirable. I mean, if ABC wanted to renew Lawrence’s show, it would’ve been silly for him to turn them down, given these circumstances.

The main problem with ABC’s refusal to renew the show is that the “Scrubs” we all knew and loved ended last May. (This new show is more like “AfterScrubs.”) The other problem is that the new “Scrubs” is not very good.

To ease the transition, the network apparently threw enough money at Zach Braff to appear in the first batch of episodes. J.D. is married to Elliot (Sarah Chalke cameoed) and expecting a kid. Also, the best running joke in the first two episodes of season 9 was simply J.D.’s attempt at a professorial wardrobe. (Tweed jacket with elbow patches and sweaters.)

Unfortunately, Braff’s replacement as protagonist/narrator is awful in every conceivable way. Kerry Bishe plays naïve, overwhelmed and caring Lucy and her comedic line readings mostly leave something to be desired. Still, the absolute worst part is that she appears to have combined the most annoying parts of Braff and Chalke’s performances. Lucy is a deadly combination of wimpy (J.D. at his worst) and chatterbox annoying (Elliot at her worst!) – is this REALLY the best person to build a show around. She makes me want to hang out with Meredith Grey.

Wouldn’t it have been more interesting to build a show around the comedic gifts of the great John C. McGinley’s Dr. Cox? Or, even better, why not build the show around Eliza Coupe’s Denise, who joined the show last season and whose gruff bedside manner and tough sense of humor is actually, you know, interesting?

Instead, we get Lucy and a bunch of uninteresting new characters. For example, I get that Dave Franco’s rich kid character Cole is the guy we’re supposed to love to hate, but the writers forgot to show us anything remotely worth loving about the guy.

Fortunately, McGinley is still around to enliven every scene that he’s in. However, it’s just not fun watching him chew out characters I don’t care about. Donald Faison’s Turk is also around full-time and he definitely had some good moments with Braff in the first two episodes (like when he and J.D. tried to out-falsetto each other). Still, Turk is approximately 80% less funny (I did the actual math) when he doesn’t have J.D. or Carla (who wasn’t even mentioned last night) to play off of.

Since this is mostly the same crew who put on “Scrubs” there WERE some decent moments. For example, I’m grateful the show introduced me to the term “wingmom.”

Still, the best things about new “Scrubs” other than Eliza Coupe were Zach Braff, the Braff/Faison chemistry, and McGinley. In other words, the best thing about new “Scrubs” is the stuff that made original “Scrubs” great.

ABC – if you’re going to air such a subpar show, at least have the decency to protect the shield and call this show something else.

Scrubs…D+