Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review (Sort of)

To coincide with today’s Blu-ray/DVD release of “Transformers: Dark of Moon” I’m making a dramatic comeback from my amateur movie critic retirement to review the alien robot blockbuster!

Well, not exactly.

I mean, this isn’t even a review of the Blu-ray (which I’m picking up after work today). I saw the movie in theatres way back in July a few weeks after its release. My plan was NOT to put off writing a review long enough for the damn thing to come out on DVD! Alas, life interfered and here we are. (With unwritten reviews of “Harry Potter 7.2”, “Crazy, Stupid Love.” “Cowboys and Aliens”, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and “Captain America” mocking me.)

Obviously, it would be silly to critically analyze a movie I saw nearly three months ago. Of course, it would be even sillier for me to critically analyze a movie called “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.”

As a result, I’m doing things a bit differently: I’m going to the notes.

You see, every time I see a movie in theatres or watch a TV episode I’m going to review, I open a Word document and jot down random sentences and observations that mostly only make sense to me.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was no exception. So instead of trying to break the movie down by memory, I’m going to share my notes from July followed by a (hopefully) brief explanation of what each statement means.

Just two quick thoughts: 1.) This “review” will feature a few more mild spoilers than I would normally include in a review. (The movie’s been out for months and it made over $1 billion worldwide…so I’m guessing plenty of people have seen it.) 2.) Please don’t judge me after this horrifying look at my creative process.

Let’s get it on!

“Too much plot. (Lead.)”
Ok, so the “(Lead)” part means that I was planning on opening my review by saying something like, “Is it possible that the new ‘Transformers’ movie actually has TOO MUCH plot?”

Just like the other two movies in the “Transformer” trilogy, “Dark of the Moon” opens with Autobot hero “Optimus Prime” (the great, booming voice of Peter Cullen) giving us some back story on his race of alien robots. Except that with each subsequent movie, the back story has become increasingly (and unnecessarily) involved.

In “Dark of the Moon”, we learned Sentinel Prime (Optimus Prime’s mentor, voiced by Leonard Nemoy) barely escaped a war with the evil Decepticons on the planet Cybertron and crash landed on Earth’s moon. The wreckage was discovered (and covered up) by humans during the Apollo 11 mission and, oh whatever…let’s just get the robots turning into cool cars and destroying each other. I will admit that I chuckled when the movie somehow dragged Buzz Aldrin into all this.

“I enjoy Shia LaBeouf’s performance. (And Julie White and Kevin Dunn.)”
I’m probably in the minority on this (especially since he kind of turned into a turbo-douche while promoting “Dark of the Moon”), but I really enjoy La Beouf’s work in these movies. (For some reason I also enjoy the fact that solid actors like Julie White and Kevin Dunn seemingly drop in from a different, more neurotic movie to play Sam Witwicky’s parents.)

I still think LaBeouf should be making more movies like “The Greatest Game Every Played” or “Wall Street 2” (even though that was a sort of gutless movie, I think LaBeouf fit nicely into it) and less movies where he’s required to be an action hero. His urgent, motor-mouth performance propels the narrative whenever the Autobots and Decepticons aren’t on screen, and he somehow developed more believable chemistry with a bright yellow Chevy Camaro than he did with any of his love interests. Which brings me to…

“The first time we see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, it’s a low-angle shot of her ass in underwear. That’s why she’s here.”
Pretty self-explanatory. When you hire a Victoria’s Secret model as your female lead, what do you expect?

That reminds me, I think the movie’s most shocking development is the fact that the loss of Megan Fox left a significant (overly-tanned) hole in the movie. Say what you will about her acting skills, but Fox has a definite presence that the vacant Huntington-Whiteley just couldn’t recreate. (No matter how many eye-catching white outfits she wore.)

“The reason Michael Bay can get actors like John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, John Turturro, etc. in his movies is because he basically lets them do whatever the hell they want. SO over the top, along with Ken Jeong.”
And apparently what Oscar-nominated actors like Malkovich and McDormand to do is act like lunatics. How else to explain Malkovich’s hideous wig and even more hideous, inexplicable accent? How else to explain wildly overqualified, two-time Oscar nominee McDormand playing the nothing role of Government Bitch. (On the other hand, I don’t think Ken Jeong can’t not be wildly over-the-top. Triple negative!)

Oh wait…they also probably got paid buckets of money too. Let’s move on.

“Some of the lighthearted moments DID work.”
This was mostly in response to the second “Transformers” movie’s disastrous attempt at humor by introducing two jive-talking, racist robots named Skids and Mudflap.

Because Malkovich’s performance is truly an atrocity, it allowed me to enjoy Turturro’s typically bananas work as Simmons, one of Sam’s frenemies. I also enjoyed Sam’s parents (as I mentioned) and the ooze that was practically seeping out of all of Patrick Dempsey’s pores as a the rich bad guy. (On IMDB, he’s credited as “Dylan.” Is that a first name or a last name? Does it matter?!)

“The transforming with Sam scene was AWESOME!”
I believed this at the time I saw the movie, and I still stand by it: the car chase scene on the highway where Sam is inside of Bumblebee — who is forced to transform into a robot as Sam flies through the air, and then transforms back into a car just in time to save Sam — is the single coolest special effects shot I’ve seen all year. Made me feel like a kid!

“Humans were actually useful this time…the battle in Chicago was very entertaining.”
I always felt the non-Shia LaBeouf humans in these movies (particularly the military forces led by Josh Duhammel’s Lennox and Tyrese’s Epps) were pretty much afterthoughts in the plot and mostly there because director Michael Bay truly has a fetish for everything having to do with the military.

However, in “Dark of the Moon” they actually contributed a fair amount, particularly in a truly spectacular skydiving sequence during the film’s climax. High five, humanity!

“Autobots are kind of dicks.”
This is in reference to the notion that Optimus Prime and Co. basically allowed Chicago to be destroyed just so that the humans — who had just banished them from Earth — could see that the Decepticons were evil and that humanity needs the Autobots. Thanks, asshole…now where am I supposed to get my deep dish pizza?

"Still can’t always tell who is fighting who. (Besides Optimus Prime and Bumblebee.) But FANTASTIC effects."
My biggest gripe with the “Transformers” movies. Other than Optimus Prime and Bumblebee (and maybe Megatron), it’s pretty difficult to tell the rest of the Transformers apart. Michael Bay tries to compensate for this mostly by giving the robots outsize (and usually offensive) character traits, but once they start fighting each other, it’s basically just a bunch of twisted metal.

(During the climactic battle, my buddy asked me “Was that Starscream?” and I said “Yes”, even though I was only 80 percent sure.)

Despite my smart-ass tendencies, I rather enjoyed the movie and thought it was an upgrade over the deeply-flawed “Revenge of the Fallen”, while never achieving the charm (if that’s the right word) of the relatively quaint original.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon…B-

The Sing-Off: Shore Thing

Sorry about the late recap.

I went to see “Drive” on Monday morning, so I’m just now catching on the programming I missed. (Also, I’m still a bit traumatized by all the brutal murders in that movie.)

Anyway, the eight groups in the second bracket of “The Sing-Off” made their debuts on Monday. They kicked off the evening with a solid rendition of My Chemical Romance’s “Sing.” Personally, I liked being able to tell that the dozens of voices on stage weren’t always blending quite perfectly, but it was still a very good way to kick off the night.

Two more groups went home by the end of the two-hour extravaganza. Let’s break them down, in order of appearance.

Darthmouth Aires: Their performance of Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground” was a really great, energetic way to start the night. Then again, the song started off with a bang and pretty much stayed there, making for an upbeat but slightly stagnant performance. Lead singer Michael had plenty of charisma, but I was just as drawn in by what the entire group was singing. In fact, (as Ben Folds pointed out) there were a few instances where they kind of drowned him out a bit.

Pentatonix: On the other hand, I LOVED Pentatonix’s electro pop arrangement of Katy Perry’s “E.T.”, even if it did sort of collapse a bit toward the end. The three lead singers are solid (especially soulful white boy/head honcho Scott), but I was really blown away by their bassist and their beat boxer, the best damn vocal percussionist/cello player on the Internet. Definitely looking forward to hearing what else this group has up its sleeve.

Messiah’s Men: The fact that Messiah Men’s story — a group of refugees from Nigeria who bonded together through music — is the most interesting thing about them is both the best and worst thing I can say about their time on the show. On the one hand, they’re a living, breathing testament to the power of music. On the other hand, their performance was completely boring. The lead singer had a good voice, and the background singers created an impressive sound together (much smarter, more qualified people can break down their vocal prowess), but there just wasn’t much else going on performance-wise to compete with the other group’s on this show.

Sonos: Plenty of acapella groups SAY they like to take popular songs and turn them on their heads, but Sonos actually did it. Their take on “Wicked Game” was certainly the most polarizing performance of the night, but I was fascinated by it and I particularly enjoyed their lightning fast vocal percussionist. In fact, I actually tuned out when they slowed things down to match Chris Isaak’s original…and revealed the flaws in their sparse sound. (Special Acapella Correspondent Erica says they need to add a baritone.) Also, even if they fall short of “The Sing-Off” crown, I hope we get to see what they can do with their pedals in the finale. Still, given that the most interesting thing about them was their arrangement, they need to prove that they can deliver awe-inspiring vocals.

The Dartmouth Aires and Pentatonix cruised to the next round leaving Sonos to edge out Messiah’s Men and deliver a swan song that was better than their actual performance. (Hate when that happens!) Anyway, on to the next foursome.

The Collective: The group of Nashville solo artists was put together by Streetcorner Symphony’s Jeremy Lister, so expectations were somewhat high. I thought the opening verse was very strong and highlighted lead singer Ruby’s fantastically husky tone. Unfortunately, things quickly fell apart during the messy, underwhelming chorus. (If you can’t blow it out like Adele — and most people can’t — you shouldn’t even try.) They never recovered afterwards and had the predictable blending issues from a group of soloists thrown together. Oh yeah…there’s also the fact that we’re all pretty much done with “Rolling in the Deep.”

Soul’d Out: Sorry, but these preppy high school kids looked downright silly and while they were misguidedly singing the hippy-dippy, “Aquarius” portion of the song. At least they sounded good because the performance didn’t get much better when it jumped to “Let the Sunshine In.” I just remember a mish-mash of sound and color punctuated by the lead singer’s spazztastic facial expressions. Other than that, I really liked it.

North Shore (pictured, left): Full disclosure: I was expecting to roll my eyes at these guys the same way I did when Jerry Lawson and Talk of the Town lasted WAY longer on this show than I thought they should have. (What can I say? I hate old people, apparently.) Anyway, I’m delighted to say North Shore gave my absolute favorite performance of the night with their fun take on “Runaround Sue.” I loved their lead singer, who gave us just the right amount of charisma without veering into cheese, and I love their bass guy, who really looks like a retired cop to me for some reason. Note to Messiah’s Men: North Shore managed to completely charm and entertain a live and TV audience with a no-frills, low-choreography performance.

The Deltones: To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember too much about this performance. I remember that Randy Newman’s “Feels Like Home” was an oddly somber way to finish the evening, and an even odder choice for a group looking to make a splashy debut. Lead singer Jessica was very impressive early on, and once the rest of the group kicked in they helped carry her to a good performance. The problem is (as you can tell) they didn’t leave much of a mark.

This elimination was a little tougher, but the high school kids of Soul’d Out were sent home in favor of the more experienced (but more train wreck-y Collective). The kids were cute, but I didn’t really see them evolving into anything great. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s group needs to get its Collective ass in gear.

So what’d you think of this episode? Am I imagining things or is Shawn Stockman doing a significantly better job this year as a judge? Anyone else weirded out by the oddly quick cameo from Committed, last year’s winner? (Can they at least get on stage?) Finally, were you surprised that Messiah’s Men were eliminated? (I feel that if we’d been sending them back to Nigeria instead of Minneapolis they might still be around.)

Glee: Baby Blues

Kurt is really f---ing stupid sometimes.

You can’t use a Streisand song to audition for the male lead in a musical and then complain about the fact that the people putting on the show don’t think you’re masculine enough for the part.

“Too gay” was a recurring for Kurt last night.

First, the pink, unicorn-centric campaign for class president conceived by Brittany was “too homo”, according to Kurt. Then, he was deemed to gay for the role of Tony in “West Side Story” by co-directors Artie, Coach Beiste and freakishbonyginger@gmail.com...I mean, Emma. (Is it just me or did it kinda seem like the writers picked three names out of a hat when they were putting together this trio? Oh well…at least Artie is getting something to do.) Coach Beiste, in particular, proved to be a surprisingly adept theatre director (I liked how she debated whether Rachel’s Jew thing or Mercedes’ black thing would work better for “West Side Story), so I’ll give the writers a pass for shoehorning the school’s football coach (and the impressive Dot-Marie Jones) into storylines.

It may not sound like it from the first couple of paragraphs in this review, but I actually enjoyed this episode quite a bit more than last week’s season premiere.

Fortunately for all of us, (as usual) Burt was there to set Kurt straight (so to speak). It’s perfectly ok to be the kind of gay where you sing Diana Ross songs and dress like you own a magic chocolate factory (as opposed to “Rock Hudson-gay”). The takeaway was that if Kurt wants to land leading man roles, maybe he’s going to have to create them himself. (Which is pretty much exactly what Chris Colfer did in real life. Pretty cool.)

Also, if it’s any consolation, Kurt has pretty much been the lead male character on this show since the start of last season.

Even though “I Am Unicorn” was light on musical performances, it was high on storyline advancement. I really enjoyed some of the unexpected groupings in the episode, including Kurt and Brittany, the aforementioned three-headed directing monster, and Sue mostly bothering Quinn instead of only terrorizing Will. (The short film Sue made was pretty genius…I particularly enjoyed the “I Hate Everything” sticker in her locker.)

Hell, even Willliam F. Schuester grew a pair and stood up for himself when Quinn tried to blame all her problems on the glee club! Becky was right…that was kind of sexy. (And much more effective than the stupid glitter bombing incident from last week.)

Speaking of Quinn, she was front and center this week with the return of Shelby Corcoran (Idina Menzel). The reason for Shelby coming back was completely ridiculous (Sugar Motta’s dad hired her to run a rival glee club at McKinley), but I’ll take my Idina Menzel where I can get it.

Shelby wants Puck and Quinn to have a relationship with the baby they gave up for adoption…but not as long as Quinn is part of the Skanks. Puck was the first to step up to the plate, and after a heart-to-heart with Quinn in the Ladies Room (they DO have cleaner stalls) she — and her thin, forgettable alto — finally came around and returned to glee club. Except that in a mini-twist I thoroughly enjoyed, Quinn hasn’t really seen the light and cleaned up her act. Instead, she intends to get full custody of Beth.

I hope you don’t mind if I just bypass all the Booty Camp nonsense — those slo-mo shots of Mike Chang and Mr. Schue dancing were unintentionally hilarious and were a solid reminder of what a couple of tools those guys are — because, honestly…who the hell cares whether a glee club can dance or not. And the big payoff was supposed to be that Finn got through the little mini-routine without messing up? Congratulations, Finn! You can do a passable job in rehearsal, but you still pretty much look like a Frankenstein when you dance.

(And, yes...that chunky paragraph just now was me bypassing the Booty Camp stuff. I can't help but rant. Sorry.)

On the other hand, I DO like how shockingly functional his relationship with Rachel is so far…although some trouble is sure to be ahead as the seniors try to figure out their futures.

Anyway, let’s grade the (relatively meager) musical performances. I hope you like “West Side Story.” (I love “West Side Story”, but I even I think they went overboard.)

“Somewhere There’s a Place for Us”…A: For me, it had everything a great musical performance should have: chill-inducing vocals and a song that actually makes sense within the context of the episode and informs the storyline. So the exact opposite of this pair’s infamous, dreadful “Poker Face” duet. It’s still freaky as hell in the best possible way for me to see Lea Michele and Idina Menzel on screen together (it’s like seeing a person, and then a version of that same person from about 15 years before). Still a little too studio-y sounding considering they were singing on a stage, but great stuff.

“I’m the Greatest Star”…C+: I’ve already covered about what an intentionally terrible song choice this was for Kurt. So the low grade isn’t because it was misguided…it’s because the scaffolding heavy choreography was more impressive than the singing. (You may now refer to my paragraph about Booty Camp if you need a reminder about how much I don’t care whether these kids can dance or not.)

“Something’s Coming”…A-: Blaine’s audition for Tony hit all the sweet spots (great vocal, strong charisma) and he’s clearly a better choice for Tony than Kurt is. (I actually think Finn is the perfect Tony…but I also think Tony is kind of lame.) The only slight criticism I have is that this performance didn’t really bring anything new to the table either in the way it was performed by Darren Criss or the way it was used on the show. (It was just a straight-up audition piece.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Blaine actually accept the lead role? Does it REALLY matter if most people in the glee club can’t dance that well? Finally, smoking may kill you, but it really does make you look cool, doesn’t it?

Dancing with the Stars: Booby Prize

Sometimes, having a DVR can be a real drag. Wait, that’s not true…I love my DVR!

Except I didn’t love it so much last night after Nancy Grace’s revealing quickstep. I wondered why the show cut to a shot of a stoic, silent audience while we could all HEAR the crowd applauding following her performance. We saw a quick shot of Nancy Grace before a quick cut back to the zombie crowd.

As a journalist, I HAD to rewind to see what was going on. Thankfully/unfortunately, my DVR was able to confirm. It wasn’t so much a nipple slip as much as it was an areola-slip. (Although I think I did detect a hint of nipple.)

Anyway, I’ve spent way too much time on this topic. Let’s break down last night’s jives and quicksteps, in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maksim: The big issue this week was how Hope didn’t have enough time to rehearse because of her busy soccer schedule. (Although I did like the shot of Maks at the soccer match looking impatient.) Hope’s performance quality (usually an issue for non-entertainers) was much better, she was still way to stiff and doing the professional athlete thing where the body is too tightly coiled, especially around the shoulders. At least now we know that she can shake her ass really well.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark: Kristin DID look great as Marilyn Monroe during her quickstep, but I think she actually danced a little better than Len gave her credit for. I hate to keep beating the guy up, but is anyone out there surprised that Mark broke hold during the quickstep…and basically admitted that he didn’t give a damn? Sorry, but I honestly thought this would be the week that I didn’t have to talk about how much of a tool that guy is.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson: I didn’t really think David’s waltz he was subdued last week during his waltz, so I didn’t get the contrast the judges were talking about after his wild jive last night. Even though Kym uncharacteristically kicked his butt during rehearsal, David continues to be a compete charmer about wanting to “blow people’s minds” with his dancing. It remains unclear whether our minds will be blown in a good or bad way. David and J.R. remain neck-and-neck for the title of Mr. Congeniality.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: I thought Elisabetta and Val started their quickstep on incredibly shaky ground, but ended pretty solidly. Unfortunately, she and Val clearly can’t stand each other. So far, Val appears to be just as abrasive as his brother Maksim only with none of the charm that we eventually discovered Maksim has after a few seasons.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Can it be? Do I actually find a member of the Kardashian crew kinda/sorta likable? (Oh wait, I forgot that I already kinda/sorta like Khloe.) This week, Rob revealed that he’s reserved and self-conscious about his man-boobs. (Kudos to the costume person who forced him to wear a wife beater underneath his Hawaiian shirt to help him get over it.) More importantly, his dancing was more fluid and much improved during his jive, though he still has a lot of work to do. Finally, I think axing the move that apparently required Rob to run up a wall (and break through the drywall during rehearsal) turned out to be a good idea.

Carson Kressley and Anna: (Sigh) At least Carson honestly tried to dance well this week, unlike last week when he was just clowning around. The biggest problem is that he’s completely terrible. (Sadly, his phys ed. teacher was right…this child lacks coordination.) Still, it was an improvement and, unlike Hope Solo, he’s going plenty of time to rehearse and get better. (Meaning he’s got nothing else going on.) Still, the judges were right: when he’s dancing, I’m always afraid that he’s either going to fall or drop Anna.

Ricki Lake and Derek: Best pure jive of the night. (And kind of a hot jive, which you don’t usually see.) The Polaroid pics on the big screen (the song was “Hey Ya”) were cute. My only complaint is that I’m already completely over Ricki invoking the name of Kirstie Alley ever week using this show as her own personal weight-loss commercial. It’s great that you’re losing weight, but just let us naturally marvel at how much better you look by the end of this thing instead of constantly bringing it up.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Poor Chaz. Last week, he talked about how out of shape he is and how bad his knees are. This week, he talked about how much he was dreading the quickstep, which is a perfect storm of awfulness for what ails Chad. Chaz is doing his best (and Lacey took out some of the flashier moves) but it was painful to watch him dance. (Almost as painful as it must’ve been for Chaz’s knees to do the quickstep.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: After an impressive debut last week, it seemed to me like Tony inexplicably scaled things down for his jive with Chynna. That boring, tentative routine seemed more appropriate for Susan Lucci than for someone who can actually dance. Hopefully, they’ll set things right again this week because I really enjoy this couple, particularly Chynna’s willingness to curse during rehearsal. (How long until Cee-Lo Green records “Fudge You”?)

Nancy Grace and Tristan (pictured, left): I mean, honestly…out of all the female celebrities and Pros on this show, I had to rewind to catch Nancy Grace’s nipple?! Ok, I’m done, I promise. Nancy and Tristan had a tough time during rehearsal with Nancy shutting down after some seemingly not-that-tough love from Tristan. Watching this duo pick itself up was actually pretty charming. That, combined with the buzz from Nancy’s wardrobe malfunction will probably be enough to keep her around another week. There’s also the matter of her surprisingly solid score of 21 for a quickstep that I thought was still too slow and basic for my taste, but a definite upgrade from last time.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: For the second week in a row J.R. and Karina delivered the best performance of the night…unfortunately, their jive really WAS a Lindy hop. (Then again, I love the Lindy hop.) Oh well. Come on, Pros! After a dozen seasons, you’re not going to slip something like this past the judges. On the other hand, I don’t really care that they did a side-flip at the start of the routine (much to the chagrin of Lift Police Officer Carrie Ann) so I’m not a complete stickler.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Len seem (even) crankier than usual this season? Is it a bad sign that I agree with some of his gripes? Does anyone besides Carrie Ann really care when there are lifts? Who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s supporters carry him another week, so I’m just going to keep picking Elisabetta until it happens. Should be sooner rather than later, right?)

Glee: The Beat Goes On

I swear I was going to stop watching “Glee.” (Apparently, plenty of other people did.)

After a frequently terrible second season and a summer full of turmoil (main members are leaving…no, they’re staying…but Chord Overstreet’s Sam is leaving…we’re developing a Rachel/Kurt spin-off…no we’re not…we’re inflicting a 3D movie on you…that bombed!) I seriously considered just giving up on the show.

As you can tell by the fact that you’re about to read my recap of last night’s season premiere, I caved because I HATE giving up on shows. (Plus, I was home by myself at 8 p.m. and there was nothing else to do.)

So what’s the verdict? The show is pretty much unwatchable if you’re a stickler for continuity and common sense…and yet it did just enough to have me tune in next week. (And not just for the promise of some Idina Menzel.)

The third season picked up at the start of a new school year with the “Glee” club having lost three members following their 12th place finish at Nationals. We’re supposed to buy that students at McKinley High (who we’ve been led to believe barely acknowledge that glee club exists) care enough to be humiliated that they finished outside the top 10 at Nationals. (Make up your mind, Glee!)

Lauren quit the club over the embarrassment at Nationals, Quinn is gone because she’s in the middle of a rebellious phase following her breakup with Finn (and because the writers had to do SOMETHING with her after failing to follow through on the major threats she made in the previous season finale). Meanwhile, Chord Overstreet is gone (and his budding romance with Mercedes squashed) because of the schizophrenic impulses of the people who run “Glee.” Mercedes now has a new boyfriend named Marcus, who is the exact physical opposite of Chord Overstreet.

As a result, Mr. Schuester introduced the Purple Piano Project. To recruit new singers, Will randomly placed pianos across campus (a lot easier than it sounds, apparently) and glee club members were supposed to burst into song whenever they saw one.

One of the few people who responded was Sugar Motta, whose father donated the pianos. Yes, her terrible audition was funny, but I was more intrigued by the idea that goody-goody Will may have to make some cruel cuts if he wants to win Nationals. (And with Rachel, Kurt and Finn moving on after this year, if there any way they don’t win Nationals?) By the way, is Sugar really that much of a worse singer than Lauren or dancing machine Mike Chang?

I was also intrigued by the idea of Sugar (Vanessa Lengies) as a potential antagonist for the glee club since, as I’ve mentioned many times before, I’m completely over the character of Sue Sylvester.

Even lines and bits that are objectively funny (like her tearing up a piano and claiming that “Chopsticks” was Tina and Mike’s national anthem) barely register anymore because we’ve seen her be so redundantly cruel to the glee club for so long.

I’m also sick of seeing her go head-to-head with Will. I mean, do we really need another scene with Will bursting into Principal Figgins’ office and bitching about something Sue just did? I also thought Will’s glitter bombing of Sue was just weird and pointless.

The only thing I like less than seeing Will and Sue go head to head is delving into Mr. Schue’s sex life. Apparently, Will and Emma are having the same issues she had with Dr. Carl. All I know is that I’ll hear Mr. Schue asking Emma “Guess who woke up just before I did?” in my nightmares.

But enough about the horrible adults. I like the show established that it’s the final year in high school for Rachel, Finn, Kurt and Mike (but who cares about Mike), and I particularly liked the notion that Rachel and Kurt got knocked down a peg or two. (They were already planning their Tony acceptance speeches.)

Meanwhile, it seems like Quinn’s phase will be more of a short-term issue (Shelby comes back with the baby Quinn gave up for adoption) while I’m not quite sure what to make of what’s happening with Santana yet. Last night she got booted out of the glee club for destroying one of the purple pianos, but I was pretty sure that Quinn’s cigarette actually ignited the fire. Then again, Sanatana didn’t deny it. Anyway, we can all pretty much guess she’s going to be back in the club eventually, so I guess it just depends on how long the show wants to drag this out. (Hopefully, very soon since Naya Rivera was one of the show’s few bright spots last year.)

Meanwhile, Artie and Puck didn’t get a damn thing to do and Britney is working on a time machine. Seems as good a time as any to get to the musical performances.

“We Got the Beat”…B+: Like one of Quinn’s fellow Skanks, I prefer “The Bangles.” The musical number itself was fine, with the ambitious choreography outshining the music. The contrast from the rest of the student’s indifference bumped it up half a letter grade for me.

“Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead”…C: Maybe it was SUPPOSED to be totally underwhelming given what was about to happen to Rachel and Kurt later on in the episode.

“It’s Not Unusual”…A-: Blaine’s arrival at McKinley (it’s easier than I thought to switch schools once class has started) was pure unadulterated, well, glee. (Even if the song choice was a little out of left field.) Double word score for throwing in the Carlton dance.

“Anything Goes”…A: Lindsay Pearce of “The Glee Project” headed and absolutely killed this number, which was so good Erica and I wondered if these people were part of a real Broadway cast. On top of the great musical performance, the frozen/polite smiles on Rachel and Kurt’s faces (followed immediately by the cut to them crying in their car while it rained) were fantastic.

“You Can’t Stop the Beat”…B: Bookended the episode’s first performance nicely, but other than that a pretty standard end-of-the-episode performance. Mostly noteworthy for the longing look on Quinn’s face as she watched her former club-mates.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are Emma’s brochures the funniest ongoing sneaky gag on this show? (The proposed Rachel/Kurt spinoff should be called “Me and My Hag.”) Will Sue be able to stay ahead of “Anyone White” in the Congressional race? Is toast as redundant as Becky suggested? Finally, Sugar Motta…Sunshine Corazon…Coach Beiste? We need to have an intervention for whoever is in charge of naming new characters because they’re clearly addicted to crack.

The Sing-Off: It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's Delilah

What am I doing recapping “The Sing-Off”?!

I have someone in my own household who is incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to music, has a great ear (two, actually) and was in a collegiate acapella group for FOUR YEARS.

So consider this both my first recap for the third season of “The Sing-Off” AND the start of my campaign to shame my girlfriend Erica into breaking this show down.

Before we get to the musical performances, I want to welcome new judge Sara Bareilles into the fold. Even though female judges on reality shows apparently have a chip installed into their brains that forces them to do stuff like blather on about contestant’s “journeys” or comment on their looks, I found Bareilles to be a major upgrade from Nicole Scherzinger, who mostly found new and unexciting ways to say nothing. (At least she looked fantastic in HD.)

Bareilles, on the other hand, managed to slip in specific and helpful criticism despite the fact that she was visibly and endearing nervous during her first night on the job. (What was that about Cat’s Pajamas’ “huge package”?)

Last night, eight of this season’s 16 groups performed, with two sorry sacks being sent home by the end of the two-hour premiere.

If Erica were here, she’d tell you all about how much she HATED the fact that two of these poor groups barely had the chance to unpack their bags before being unceremoniously dumped. I, on the other hand, am perfectly ok never seeing the Fannin Family again. (Sorry…but it’s true.)

Let’s get to the evening’s first batch of performances, featuring (in order of appearance) The Yellow Jackets, Fanning Family, Afro-Blue and Delilah.

The Yellow Jackets: The group (which is not from Georgia Tech, as I assumed, but from the University of Rochester in New York) performed “Wavin’ Flag”, more commonly known as the most recent “World Cup song.” (At least if you live outside the U.S. and care about soccer.)

With their bright yellow blazers and flag-assisted choreography, the Yellow Jackets were certainly near the top of the leader board last night when it came to flair and style. Their soloists were strong (especially that particularly angelic tenor), but I think they can make some improvements as a group. As Ben Folds pointed out, their tempo fluctuated a few times. I don’t think they were at their best last night, but I look forward to watching them try to get there.

Fannin Family: To be honest, I was a little creeped out by them during their brief bit in the opening group performance of Pink’s “Perfect.” Got a bit of a “Children of the Corn” vibe. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to learn that this group is comprised of siblings. It was equally unsurprising to learn that these siblings’ voices blend excellently together. Despite being led by a strong performance from their 14-year-old soloist, I found their arrangement of Selena Gomez’s “Who Says” to be too sleepy and everything about their performance was the opposite of dynamic.

Afro-Blue: This group (who performed Corrine Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On”) is just cool. Their soloist set a relaxed, self-assured tone and their bassist was insane. This group from traditionally black Howard University was my favorite group from the first batch. I mean, they’ve even got a token white girl! I know Afro-Blue is proud of their jazzy vibe, but I look forward to seeing how they interpret something a little more upbeat.

Delilah: All-female acapella groups have it tough. The fact of the matter is their basses (and other singers who comprise the bottom end) can’t go as low as guys, so their sound often winds up being tinny and a little irritating. (Do you think it's an accident that all-male groups have won the first two years?)

I don’t know if that’ll be Delilah’s downfall down the line, but last night the group dealt with that problem by featuring an astonishing solo from singer Amy and an interesting re-working of a super-popular (overplayed) song, Bruno Mars’ “Grenade.” This super group — comprised of former Sing-Off castoffs — is definitely a cut above the other all-girl groups we’ve seen on this show. (If Erica were here, she’d tell you how annoyed she is that people who’ve already been on this show got another chance to resurface and possibly robbed a new, deserving group of a spot.)

Afro-Blue and Delilah easily advanced and the Yellow Jackets edged past the Fannin Family, who clearly were not ready for prime time. (As evidenced by their messy swan song performance of “Tomorrow.”)

The next four contenders, in order of appearance were Urban Method, Cat’s Pajamas, Kinfolk 9 and Vocal Point.

Urban Method: I don’t think I’m breaking news here by saying that acapella is inherently dorky and cheesy, so I can appreciate the fact that this Denver group is trying to set itself apart with an “edgier” style. However, I think Urban Method takes itself WAY too seriously. They got off to a strong, dramatic start, and their lead singer/rapper Mykal DOES have some star quality, but I don’t think their arrangement really had anything special. The background singing wasn’t strong enough to support this performance when the singing and rapping parts came together in the end, which made things sound like a bit of a jumbled mess. Luckily, their vocal percussionist and bass helped pick up the pieces.

Cat’s Pajamas: This all-male group is pretty much exactly what most people would imagine of if you mentioned acapella music to them. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that as a compliment.

Their professionalism and polish on “Some Kind of Wonderful” is admirable, but they came off WAY too cheesy and I just didn’t see enough evidence to suggest they’d be able to do something vastly different or interesting. Oh well, at least they have those 200 shows per night (Ben!), I mean per year in Branson, Missouri. Also, why was their swan song (“Bye Bye Love”) better than their actual performance? (And somebody get their poor, overworked VP/bassist a glass of water.)

Kinfolk 9: Once I got over how terrible lead singer Moi Navarra’s hair is, I was mostly able to enjoy this group’s musical stylings on OneRepublic’s “Secrets.” Kinfolk 9 appear to be a collection of struggling musicians who assembled as a group to win this show. There was also a strong emphasis on artistry in their pre-performance package. Maybe I was influenced by their slightly pretentious pre-performance package, but I detected more than a hint of unease and desperation in Moi’s performance when I watched him, despite the fact that he actually sounded really good. (Or maybe I was just predisposed to disliking him because of his stupid hair and his stupid clothes…you’re a dad, Moi…dress like a grown up!) Maybe next time they perform, I’ll close my eyes and just listen. (Which reminds me…open your eyes when you sing, Moi!)

(If Erica were here, she’d point out that the reason the background singers didn’t gel very well is probably because they have a bunch of soloists trying to blend.)

Vocal Point: The final group of the evening (from BYU) delivered what was probably the most entertaining performance from both a visual AND musical standpoint. Like the Yellow Jackets before them, Vocal Point brought the bright blazers (and the punny!), but also brought a sense of joy to the stage without sacrificing any of their musical chops. That first modulation was sickly smooth. (The judge say “modulation”…I yell out, “key change!”)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Ben Folds the best reality competition show judge? (Honestly…who’s better?) Will I ever NOT think of soft rock radio station mainstay Delilah (“De-lye-laaahhh”) when I see this group of girls perform? Is Nick Lacey human or an animatronic puppet programmed to robotically deliver terrible puns? (For the record, I think there’s a decent host buried in there somewhere…Lachey shows potential when he goes off script like he did when he accidentally interrupted Ben for a bit.)

Finally, do you think either Fannin Family or Cat’s Pajamas got a raw deal? (I’m ok with both eliminations.)

Dancing with the Stars: "It's Like Having An Amusement Park In Your Heart"

“Dancing with the Stars” is back with its most controversial cast yet! At least that’s what I keep reading on the Internet…so it must be true.

Sure, almost all the questions coming into this season were focused on Chaz Bono. (What would parents tell their young children about the show’s first transgender contestant? Would the average kid really be able to tell that Chaz wasn’t born a man just by looking at him? Most importantly, why are parents afraid of speaking with their kids candidly?)

That’s why it was such a delight to see that the 13th season premiere was a refreshingly breezy, drama-free affair. I watched each couple closely and I found value in every single celebrity as a contestant…even the ones who looked like they were dancing with casts on both their legs.

Let’s get right to it and break each couple down — whether they performed the Viennese waltz or the cha cha cha — in order of appearance.

Ron Artest and Peta: Why wouldn’t Ron go by his new name, Metta World Peace, right off the bat? The “Vote 4 Metta/Peta” T-shirt practically writes itself. I hope he wasn’t waiting until next week to bust out the name change because he may not be around.

Even though I don’t understand why Artest was styled like Dennis Rodman for this dance, and even though his dancing was so bad that train wrecks shook their heads sadly when they watched it, I didn’t think it was a TOTAL disaster. Sure, Ron will never be a great dancer on this show because he’s just way too tall/big, but I saw hints of hip-action during his cha cha cha. More importantly, his apparent willingness to wear anything make him an ideal DWTS contestant.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: I’d somehow avoided watching even a single minute of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” until a few weeks ago, but the scene I did see featured Rob’s sisters and his mom bossing him around and demeaning him. (I’m told this describes all his scenes.) As a result, I wasn’t shocked to see the narrative of this week’s rehearsal footage was Rob lightly challenging Cheryl’s authority before Rob finally fell in line.

The good news is that Rob’s brand of atrociousness on the dance floor during his waltz was oddly endearing. The bad news is that he appears to possess zero musicality and Frankenstein’s monster thought he looked stiff out there. I’ll give him a slight pass because he’s not a natural performer, but I can’t see him lasting too long.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas: I honestly wish there would have been some way for me to bet that Mark Ballas would wind up with the season’s youngest or most athletic female dancer. That never happens. (The only thing that was less shocking was that Chaz Bono, the season’s buzziest contestant, would dance last.)

In case you can’t tell, my general distaste for Mark hasn’t gone away. And the “look at me” way he struck his pose right before they started their cha cha cha and his insistence on outshining his celebrity partner were both on display last night. It’s too bad. Kristin looks like she actually has some skills, but the routine was a little heavy on hairography and too light on dance moves, which I suspect she can actually pull off. (I promise I’ll do my best to put my bias aside going forward.)

Chynna Phillips and Tony: If we learned one thing from Cynna and Tony’s rehearsal segment is that, no matter where you are or who you are, watching someone get kicked in the groin is funny. Anyway, I think gentlemanly Tony is the ideal partner for Chynna, and their waltz was my second favorite dance of the night. I think everything (partner, dance style) came together perfectly for Chynna to have a strong opening performance, but I’ll be more impressed if she can pull off a strong Latin dance.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: I was a bit shocked by how mild of a presence Nancy Grace turned out to be in her rehearsal segment. (Maybe she’s perfectly normal when no one says the words “Casey” or “Anthony” around her.) Nancy was able to overcome her language barrier with partner Tristan MacManus (she speaks American, he speaks Irish…she says “third”, he says “turd”…let’s call the whole thing off) to deliver a shockingly delightful cha cha cha. Imagine how much better it’ll be if she actually moves her feet and arms next week!

David Arquette and Kym: I usually have some terrible pun as a title for my recaps, but I HAD to go with Arquette’s quote to Kym while they were dancing in rehearsal because it’s one of the loveliest things I’ve heard anyone say in a while. I like Sober David Arquette. He cleans up well. His waltz started off well before getting a little clumsy. Arquette forgot his face when he made a mistake, but I can see him cleaning that stuff up, channeling his energy in a positive way and lasting well into the competition. (At least long enough for ABC to slip in some overt “Cougar Town” plugs with Courteney Cox in the audience.

Elisabetta Canalis and Val: As soon as I saw Elisabetta and Val (Maksim’s brother) start their dance in a prop bed, I knew they were in trouble. (Did Val not get the memo that Len hates when couples “mess about”?) Anyway, the vigorous nature of the cha cha cha did little for the gangly Elisabetta, who was pretty much a disaster whenever she wasn’t in hold with her partner. Oh well…at least she got to be with George Clooney for a while. So that’s something.

Hope Solo and Maksim: Maks seems to have more fun when his partner can actually stand up to him (ala Mel B.) as opposed to when they curl up in a ball in the corner of the rehearsal room. (I think Brandy and Kirstie Alley may still huddled together crying.) Hope is both extremely hot and an imposing physical presence. Her opening waltz with Maks was good, but not great. The couple just LOOKS great together (especially when they were in closed hold), but Hope has the usual muscular athlete lack of fluidity. I think that’s correctable. If she can find a flair for performing, this couple will be around for a while.

Carson Kressley and Anna: I think we can all agree if “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t the gayest show on TV, it’s certainly in the discussion. However, even with all the sparkles and fringe, and even with all the openly (or presumed) gay contestants and pros on the show, watching Carson dance with Anna last night served as a perfect reminder as to why male ballroom/Latin dancers NEED to project masculinity when they dance. I mean, even Chaz was infinitely more masculine in his cha cha cha.

Fortunately for Carson, none of that matters just yet because he was a blast to watch. The standing ovation he got for basically doing a modified chicken dance and his completely charming rehearsal and interview segments tell me that he’s going to be a fan favorite. However, I’d like to eventually see some proof that he can actually dance. I have hope because he vowed that “no one will work harder to compensate for my lack of talent.”

J.R. Martinez and Karina: My favorite performance of the night due, in no small part, that he was pretty much the only contestant to both dance quite well AND work the crowd in an effective way. His waltz was an absolute pleasure to watch. I’d never seen this person before, but he’s funny, he’s got an inspiring back story and he’s a good dancer with room to improve. What more do you want from a DWTS contestant? Add in his sizable soap opera fan base. (Assuming it is sizable…I mean soaps ARE getting canceled left and right.)

Ricki Lake and Derek: I liked Derek and Ricki’s waltz more than the judges did. Ricki seems like a pretty capable dancer, and she’s got a strong choreographer as a partner. (A lot of the things I said about Mark earlier could apply to Derek…except that Derek at least goes to the trouble of making his partners look good.) I just hope that the “I want to lose weight”/ “I’m not your typical skinny girl” narrative she introduced last night doesn’t become a weekly thing. Sorry to be insensitive, but that’s always kind of a downer. Just go out there, kick ass, and the pounds will fall off!

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Despite fretting about his round, beautiful belly, Chaz was surprisingly light on his feet during the cha cha cha with Lacey. Chaz could be seeing practicing for this dance throughout the night with Lacey as the show was coming in from and going to commercial breaks and the extra work seemed to help. Chaz had some of the best solo work out of any celebrity doing the cha cha cha, but his partnering left something to be desired, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what usually happens with non-pros.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you digging the new, elevated dance floor or the grand staircase to the interview area? (Until someone goes flying off the dance floor and into a Kardashian’s lap, I don’t think it’ll be much of a factor.) Is it a coincidence that 3 out of the lowest 4 scores came courtesy of couples with new Pros? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think it’s going to be Elisabetta. I mean who’s going to vote for her? Fellow, sympathetic George Clooney exes?)

NFL 2011 Week 2 Picks

Boy, I sure (don’t) know how to pick them.

After a thoroughly mediocre week 1 of NFL picks, (8-8), I almost didn’t bother throwing these up. But that’s enough intro’ing if I want to get these in on time.

KANSAS CITY @ DETROIT

Kansas City has one of the best homefield advantages in the league and they got crushed at home last week by the Bills. Detroit didn’t even play that well against Tampa last week and destroyed them. What I’m saying is that I’m taking the Lions.

OAKLAND @ BUFFALO

I love that one of these two teams will be 2-0 after this week. It’s a quarterback league, so I’m taking the increasingly impressive Ryan Fitzpatrick (pictured, left).

TAMPA BAY @ MINNESOTA

The NFC is so deep that I think whoever loses this game and goes to 0-2 is in pretty big trouble. I REALLY don’t want that team to be the Bucs.

CHICAGO @ NEW ORLEANS

Chicago looked very impressive in their win against the Falcons last week, while the Saints looked pretty good in their loss against the Packers. I’m banking on the Saints defense to play (a little) better at home.

BALTIMORE @ TENNESSEE

The Ravens looked terrific against Pittsburgh last week, but I got the sense that game meant a little more to them than it did to the Steelers. Then again, even a Baltimore team that suffers a bit of a letdown should be good enough to beat the Titans.

CLEVELAND @ INDIANAPOLIS

I need evidence from the Colts that they’re not a complete disaster without Peyton Manning before I pick them to beat ANYONE.

JACKSONVILLE @ N.Y. JETS

The Jets were very fortunate to beat Dallas last week, while the Jags actually looked pretty impressive against Tennessee. The Jags will keep it close, but I expect New York to pull it out in the end.

SEATTLE @ PITTSBURGH

The Steelers looked horrific against Baltimore last week. After just one week, people are already on the “Are the Steelers too old” bandwagon. Relax, people. A visit from Seattle is just what the doctor ordered.

ARIZONA @ WASHINGTON

Besides the whole “West Coast team flying East to play a 1 p.m. game” factor (how would you like to play an NFL game when your body thinks it’s 10 a.m.?), I’m riding the Sexy Rexy train until it derails and he throws three picks.

GREEN BAY @ CAROLINA

Let’s just say I do NOT expect Cam Newton to throw for 400 yards again.

DALLAS @ SAN FRANCISCO

A much more interesting game in the mid-90’s. I actually think San Francisco will give them a little bit of trouble, but Dallas just has too much talent. (Even if Dez Bryant can’t find a way to stay in the lineup.)

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLAND

It’s hard to pick against the Patriots, but their pass defense left much to be desired on Monday night. And that was against Chad Henne. What’s going to happen when Philip Rivers comes to town?

HOUSTON @ MIAMI

I think Miami will make things uncomfortable for Houston and pull out a win. Even though they were completely outclass by the Patriots last week, they were actually only a play or two away from being in that game.

CINCINNATI @ DENVER

By now, Kyle Orton must be begging to go on the road to get away from the “We Want Tebow” chants. Then again, I just saw that Andy Dalton is probably to start for the Bengals…so I’m going with Denver.

PHILADELPHIA @ ATLANTA

Things are going to get uncomfortable in the Dirty South when the Falcons go to 0-2 after they pretty much went all-in on this season.

ST. LOUIS @ N.Y. GIANTS

I think the Giants pull out this game and sucker people into thinking they’re a contender. The Rams can drop this one and still make up some ground with their terrible NFC West schedule.

NFL 2011 Week 1 Picks

Remember me?

I’m the guy who used to bang out about five columns/reviews/rants per week. Now I’m the guy who hasn’t written anything since July 1. (Will I write my “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II” review before it comes out on DVD? It’s going to be a photo finish.)

Anyway, I wasn’t going to let the 2011 NFL season kick off without giving you the chance to laugh at my sure-to-be-wildly-inaccurate picks. My picks to win are in bold.

NEW ORLEANS @ GREEN BAY

I’ve gotta take the Super Bowl champs opening their season at home and with all the guys who missed a significant amount of time due to injury last year jacked up and ready to go.

More importantly, the game marks a symbolic/monumental shift in my fantasy football life. For the past three years, Drew Brees has been my guy in my QB-centric primary fantasy football league. This year, I drafted Aaron Rodgers with the first overall pick. Drew took me to the playoffs three years ago, but we could never capture a title. I felt I had to shake things up. I’m holding a private, emotional torch-passing ceremony in my living room prior to tonight’s game if you’re interested in attending. Bring chips.

ATLANTA @ CHICAGO

The Falcons pretty much went all in for the short term, so they’d better beat up a Bears team that everyone thinks is lucky and that lost its big special team advantage with the new kickoff rules.

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND

Psst. Don’t tell anyone, but I like Cleveland and I’ve got them grabbing the second wild card spot in the AFC.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY

Chiefs QB Matt Cassel may or may not play, but I like their overpowering running game to lift them over the Bills.

PHILADELPHIA @ ST. LOUIS

The Eagles pretty much HAVE to face some sort of early-season adversity after making all that noise in the off-season, don’t they?

DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY

I like what the Lions have done in the offseason, but there are just a few too many teams on that bandwagon for my liking. (And a few too many people assuming the Bucs are just going to collapse this year.)

TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE

How is that the Bucs can’t sell out their home opener against an up-and-coming team, but THIS turd of a game somehow won’t be blacked out? Not looking forward to being subjected to this crap-fest.

PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE

I know these teams REALLY don’t like each other, but is it really a “rivalry” when one team (the Steelers) consistently beat the other in the playoffs?

INDIANAPOLIS @ HOUSTON

I was honestly tempted to pick Indy, but then I remembered that the Texans usually do pretty well early in the year BEFORE collapsing and missing the playoffs/landing in the 7-to-9-win range.

N.Y. GIANTS @ WASHINGTON

You’re damn right I’m taking Sexy Rexy Grossman at home against the Giants, who will probably lose another defensive starter by the time I finish typing this sentence.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO

Tarvaris Jackson vs. Alex Smith is just like tonight’s matchup pitting Drew Brees against Aaron Rodgers…only the exact opposite. Ugh.

MINNESOTA @ SAN DIEGO

I think Minnesota will be frisky, but the Chargers just have too much talent and too much to prove after blowing their winnable division last year.

CAROLINA @ ARIZONA

I think Cam Newton and the Panthers will be shockingly decent (like “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”)…just not quite yet. Can’t take the Panthers on the road against a decent team that finally has a competent quarterback at the controls.

DALLAS @ N.Y. JETS

Come on, Jets…you can’t blow the Sept. 11 home game, which will feature a memorial tribute. Wait, maybe that’s EXACTLY why they’ll blow it!

NEW ENGLAND @ MIAMI

The Patriots have had trouble traveling to Miami in the past, but that’s usually because the scorching hot weather kills them. Shouldn’t be an issue for a Monday Night game.

OAKLAND @ DENVER

The Broncos’ defense HAS to be better than they were last year. I expect a competitive, exciting game with a bunch of miscues. Should be fun.