Dancing with the Stars: "Maybe It's Time To Get Out"

And all this time I thought I was watching “Dancing with the Stars” because I enjoy ballroom dancing, orchestral butchering of popular songs, the insanely hot female Pros, the bonkers yet sneakily-insightful judges panel and Tom Bergeron’s awareness of just how ridiculous this show is.

Nope. I was wrong.

Turns out Maksim Chmerkovskiy “made” this show the juggernaut it has become. Before I break down Monday night’s Broadway Week, I have to talk about Maks’ mini-meltdown. (I’m purposefully skipping all the backpedaling I’m sure he’s been doing for most of Tuesday.)

First of all, I’m neither shocked nor deeply offended by what Maks said. Why should I? The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy of the Ballroom” often comes off as an abrasive jerk to his partners in what we see of rehearsals. We also know the self-proclaimed “Sex on a Stick” has a pretty high opinion of himself.

So while I’m not at all surprised that Maks BELIEVES what he said, I am a bit surprised he actually said what he said. From watching this couple the last few weeks, I would’ve guessed that Hope was the one that wanted to go home, but instead it seems like Maks —who has never won the not-that-coveted Mirrorball Tropy — is the one who’s ready to be done with the show.

I’m actually a fan of Maks (my favorite DWTS couple is probably still Mel B and Maks), but the bottom line is that he looked like an immature fool last night. The worst part was when he chastised the judges for being too judgmental. (Actually, the worst part was how mortified Hope looked.) The crack to Len about maybe it being time to get out of the ballroom business was a low-blow too, but Len strikes me as a guy who can take as well as dish it, so that didn’t bother me as much.

While you take the appropriate time to fully appreciate the ridiculousness of that previous statement, let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Last week, I declared that Rob was the third best dancer on the show. I’m not ready to back off that statement yet, but I think he took a slight cha cha cha step backward with his performance of “Walk Like a Man.” The technique was still there, but he looked more like the tentative kid from earlier this season and less like the dancer who was almost Cheryl’s equal during their rumba last week. (Cheryl looked more butch than him.) If anything, it looks like that visit from his mom rattled him.

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Talk about Always Looking on the Bright Side of Life. A ‘9’ Carrie Ann? Really?! I’ve always said that Nancy’s technique was solid, but I didn’t see anything last night that was significantly better than, say, her “Flash Gordon” Paso doble. In fact, I thought the parts of the foxtrot that were in hold were pretty basic and dull. Fortunately, Nancy really came to life during the jazzier, side-by-side solo work and showed strong performance quality for the first time.

David Arquette and Kym: How was delightful Aussie Kym never cast as Sandy from “Grease” on this show before last night? Perfect casting aside, David Arquette’s quickstep proved to be a little too unstable and wobbly, even if it was perfectly delightful. It’s to the point where David seems like such a nice guy and so happy about everything having to do with the show (he’s the anti-Hope) that I end up rooting for him to be better than he actually is…and I’m slightly underwhelmed.

Ricki Lake and Derek: The inevitable Ricki vs. J.R. storyline for the finals really started to gain steam last night. (Although, last night it seemed like EVERYONE was gunning for J.R.) There’s not really much for me to add to the overall excellence of Ricki’s “Luck Be a Lady” quickstep other than to reiterate how great of a choreographer Derek is and to show gratitude than Ricki is now letting her weight-loss come up organically rather than mention it every single week.

Chaz Bono and Lacey: Coming off a season-best samba last week, it’s not a shock to see Chaz take a bit of a step back. I didn’t think his tango was as bad as most of the judges made it out to be (decent posture, solid footwork). Then again maybe I didn’t hate it because his “Phantom of the Opera” mask covered up most of the wincing that usually makes Chaz’s performances literally painful to watch.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, left): Since I covered Maks-gate up top, I’m going to focus on the dancing. I don’t know why the Pros don’t bring in dancers that are the same sex as their celeb partners more often because it makes a WORLD of difference to see how movements and steps are supposed to be done. It seemed to work for a while with Hope…until the troupe dancers went away. By the time she hit the dance floor, she was mostly her stiff self, which can be passable in certain dances, but NOT the rumba, which is supposed to be fluid. I wouldn’t call it her worst dance of the season (as Len did) but I still can’t imagine she’s long for this show.

Unfortunately, all this controversy overshadowed the fact that this was a rumba to “Seasons of Love” from “Rent.” (You probably have to be musical theatre geek to appreciate how ridiculous the previous sentence is.)

J.R. Martinez and Karina: J.R. closed the competition portion of the evening with a show-stopping quickstep to the closing number from “Chicago.” If there’s one clear advantage J.R. has over Ricki, I’d say it’s his musicality (the way he feels the music and translates it to his movements). That was once again on display last night. I don’t know if this was actually Karina’s most ambitious routine (as she claimed), but I WAS a little scared that J.R. would blow his cartwheel. Crisis averted and J.R. tied Ricki atop the leader board.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you a fan of the “Big Spender” group number? (I actually LOVED the group stuff…but could’ve done without each individual couple mangling their lifts.) Was Maks ok to complain or is Len the only one allowed to complain? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I think Chaz’s time may be up.)

Dancing with the Stars: Manic Monday

I may have been out of commission the last two weeks — thanks to a Tampa Bay Bucs football game that pre-empted “Dancing with the Stars” and my vacation last week — but it’s been pretty obvious for a while now that the battle for this season’s ridiculous mirrorball trophy is between J.R. Martinez and Ricki Lake.

J.R. and Ricki are SO much better than everyone else — especially with the once-promising Kristen and Chynna gone — that watching everyone else has become somewhat of a waste of time.

Read-on for my thoughts on who SHOULD join J.R. and Ricki in the finals, as well as my breakdown of each couple on 80’s Night (so much neon!), in order of appearance.

Hope Solo and Maks (pictured, right): I’m sorry, but I’m just not seeing what the judges and everyone else seems to be seeing in Hope. (Especially Len, who keeps claiming she has a chance to go all the way.) Although her performance quality has improved each week (as silly as it was, I really liked seeing her rock out at the end of “Livin’ on a Prayer”) I still find her to be an incredibly awkward and stiff dancer. Fortunately, being a little stiff isn’t the worst thing in the world when you’re dancing the tango, as she was last night. Still, I think she’s a pretty bad dancer who hasn’t noticeably improved since week 1. On top of that, watching her argue with Maks is officially as depressing as watching Brandy argue with Maks. (Except that Brandy never me giggle by saying that she’s accustomed to having “balls being driven at her face.”) Oh well…at least she’s still really hot!

Carson Kressley and Anna: Whatever strides Carson made as a competent dancer during his paparazzi-themed tango a few weeks ago have officially been undone by his pirate waltz last week and his unwieldy cheerleading jive this week. Carson’s a terrible dancer, but since we already established that either J.R. or Ricki are winning, I’m ok with keeping Carson around as long as I get to type phrases like “pirate waltz” and “cheerleading jive.” Bruno perfectly summed up Carson’s dance (and the entire show in general) by calling it “a crowning achievement in madness.”

Nancy Grace and Tristan: Nancy really is not a bad dancer at all. The problem is that she continues to show infinitely more personality during her rehearsal packages (Nancy Grace was a cheerleader…who still remembers her chants?!) than she does on the dance floor. (In fact, we’ve seen more nipple than personality from Nancy in the ballroom up to this point.) Her rumba to “True” was, once again, solid but unspectacular. I was more interested by her continuing banter with Tristan, who is the most interesting new Pro this show has added in years.

J.R. Martinez and Karina: Jose Rene Martinez’s samba was absolutely the best dance of the night. I can’t really understand why Carrie Ann wasn’t “feeling it”, but I did enjoy the way Bruno milked the crowd before giving the couple its first 10. I honestly don’t see any weaknesses with J.R. as a DWTS competitor: he can do Latin and ballroom and he can be funny/charming, as well as completely serious.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Ladies and gentleman, my official third place pick for this season of “Dancing with the Stars”! I never would’ve guessed it after the first week, but Rob’s gradual improvement (like a hare, not a rabbit) has made him into a shockingly proficient and engaging dancer. As the judges pointed out last night, he actually looked like he was Cheryl’s equal for the first time, and there’s really no reason to believe that won’t continue. (I don’t even think he’ll need lesson on how to be “sexy” from his pal Romeo, who skeezed me out a few times last season when he constantly hit on Chelsie.)

Chaz Bono and Lacey: It may seem like faint praise, but this was absolutely Chaz’s best dance during his time on the show. I was worried for his creaky knees when I heard he was going to have to do a samba to “Get Down On It.” Thankfully, Lacey’s impressively limber/energetic dad Buddy (a world-renowned dancer who happens to be a large man like Chaz) was on-hand to help and seemingly inspired Chaz. Since Chaz looked like he was having fun (or, at least, like he wasn’t in pain) I was finally able to enjoy watching him.

David Arquette and Kym: Like Len, I enjoyed the 80’s punk vibe more than I did the actual tango to “Tainted Love,” which was solid. If anything, David seemed so paranoid about being technically perfect (he freaked out at the prospect of breaking hold) that he lost a good part of his performance quality, which is his greatest strength. At least we got a dose of that during his great Len impression in rehearsal. (“It’s like ordering fish and not getting the chips!”)

Ricki Lake and Derek: After earning the first 10s of the season last week, the most predictable thing in the world was that the judges would be extra hard on Ricki or look for a way to knock her down a notch so she doesn’t peak too early. They didn’t have to look too hard last night. The judges crushed her for being off-rhythm while busting out the Roger Rabbit dance. My biggest problem with her alleged foxtrot is that I’d have absolutely no idea that it was SUPPOSED to be a foxtrot if I hadn’t heard English-accented announcer guy introduce it as such. Still, she was very strong while in hold and (unlike Chynna and Kristen) performed late in the show, so I suspect she’ll be fine.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else surprised that The Bangles were still together, much less releasing a new album this fall? Finally, am I way off base on Hope? If so, who do you think is going home tonight?

Glee: The 'Cool' Asian

At this point, I think a lot of us can agree that pretty much every character on “Glee” is incredibly annoying.

As far as I’m concerned, the exceptions are Brittany/Puck (who mostly speak in dim bulb one-liners, so they’re not even on-screen long enough to get annoying), Coach Beiste (with her gigantic plate of pasta) and Santana (who is awesome).

(And *POOF* Santana is back in glee club after being dramatically kicked off by Mr. Schue a grand total of TWO episodes ago. Sure! why not?)

For the most part, I can understand why the characters are annoying. Most of them are high school kids, and teenagers — with their selfishness, fickleness and immaturity — are generally horrible people.

In a shocking turn of events, two of the characters who usually get on my last nerve wound up being among the most likable people onscreen in “Asian F.”

And, no, I’m not talking about Sue (who had an odd, silent cameo last night) and Will Schuester, who solidified his position as the worst character on TV. Don’t believe me? Last night, Will went from harsh (berating Mercedes during booty camp when she clearly wasn’t feeling well) to creepy (“Here’s my big box of porn, Emma!”) to idiotically insecure (inviting Emma’s parents for dinner because he thought she was ashamed of him). At least we were introduced to the hilariously specific world of ginger supremacy.

No, I’m actually talking about Rachel Berry and Mike Chang. That’s kind of an odd pair of characters to hate, isn’t it? Well, while I LOVE Lea Michele, I’m tired of Rachel’s hyper-competitiveness and wish the writers would find something else for the character to do. As for Mike: I suppose the dude is harmless enough, but I don’t like how full of himself he is for a character that’s about as useful to a singing group as a guy with a great three point shot is to a football team.

Either way, Mike’s story stole and salvaged last night’s episode of “Glee”, which fell back on some bad habits. (Although it did fall back on at least one good habit: the wonderfully random idea that Tina is a vampire who terrorizes Principal Figgins.)

After Mike earned an “Asian F” (an A- to the rest of us), Mike’s stern dad met with Principal Figgins and tried to get Mike drug tested before zeroing in on glee club as the source of his son’s “struggles.” (Mr. Chang will definitely be voting for Sue.) Mike wanted to try out for “West Side Story”, but his dad forbade it, leading to the night’s best non-musical scene as a conflicted Mike danced alone in a studio. Eventually, he decided to follow his heart with support from his sympathetic mom, who showed up so randomly that for a second I thought she was really dead and he was talking to a ghost. (That may still be the case!) Harry Shum Jr. is obviously a great dancer, but for the first time last night he got to show that he can be a pretty effective actor.

In other, less-encouraging news we got the latest iteration of “Mercedes is Jealous That Rachel Gets All the Solos Part 4: On Stranger Tides.” After being spurred on by new boyfriend Shane (aka not-Sam), Mercedes went after the role of Maria in “West Side Story” with a newfound ferociousness. Unfortunately, she also managed to alienate all of her friends, including Rachel, who was obviously bothered by the competition but at least tried to be gracious.

It seems like every Mercedes storyline either has to do with her weight/looks or her jealousy of Rachel. This week, they needed the character to be a bitch, so voila! Amber Riley deserves better. (I guess they had to find SOME way to get people to join Shelby’s glee club.) For a while, it seemed like the show was hinting at Mercedes being pregnant (she’s got a steady boyfriend and was moody, nauseous and constantly holding her stomach, which is what woman on TV do right before it’s revealed they’re pregnant). Oh wait…never mind.

In other news, the race for class president took several turns last night with Brittany becoming the apparent front-runner and Rachel throwing her hat into the ring when it looked like she’d be missing out on the “West Side Story” lead. Even though Kurt was outwardly gracious and supportive to Blaine about Blaine playing Tony in “West Side Story”, he got a little huffy when he found out that Rachel would be opposing him for class president. (Because god forbid someone steps on poor widdle Kurt’s toes.)

Anyway, “Asian F” featured a whopping six musical numbers, so let’s jump in.

“Spotlight”…B: Amber Riley looked phenomenal and sounded good, but this number was a bit of a mixed bag. Earlier in the episode, Shane told Mercedes that when they’re watching “Dreamgirls” together, Mercedes says she’s ‘Beyonce’ but he thinks she really considers herself an “Effie” (played by Jennifer Hudson in the movie). So the way to prove that she’s an empowered “Beyonce” is…to sing a Jennifer Hudson song? Or maybe she was owning the fact that she’s “Effie.” Whatever, I’m confused.

“Run the World”…A: If it’s ok with you, I’m not really going to delve into why I’m giving this ass-shaking extravaganza a straight-A just in case my girlfriend ever reads this column.

“Cool”…A: The shocker of the night! Honestly, I didn’t have high expectations after Mike’s “singing” debut last year, but absolutely loved this. Obviously, this was heavier on dancing than singing, but at least the dancing was a funny reimagining (football players learn fast!) of some of the most iconic dancing ever. Also, Mike’s voice was improved and more than suitable for the role of Riff in “West Side Story.”

“Out Here On My Own”…C: Don’t get me wrong: both Lea Michele and Amber Riley sounded terrific (as usual) on this. The reason I’m giving it a bad grade is because of the annoying and hyperactive editing during the latest diva-off between Rachel and Mercedes. I get what they were going for, but cutting back and forth so often between both singers was incredibly distracting and didn’t do either of them any favors.

Because they blended into each other so much, I didn’t fully believe that Mercedes CLEARLY won this competition. As a result, Mercedes turning down the role just made her look like a bitch.

“It’s All Over”…D+: I was laughing my ass off at how terrible this was. (Hence the D-PLUS!) So far this season, “Glee” has been heavy on Broadway numbers and I get that this “Dreamgirls” number was trying to equate glee club’s frustration with Mercdes to the Dreamgirls’ frustration with Effie.

But not only did this re-inforce the idea that Mercedes is, in fact, “Effie” (not Beyonce), but the stilted way they recreated the scene from the movie was unintentionally hilarious. (As was the fact that everyone referred to Mercedes as “Effie”, while she called everyone else by their actual names…probably because it’s hard to substitute Mercedes into a lyric.) At least the costumes were cool.

“Fix You”…C+: F--- you, “Glee” for giving one of my favorite songs to a character I absolutely loathe, and using it as a soundtrack to his miserable, creepy relationship. Oh well…at least Matthew Morrison sounded good, and it was a solid way to end the episode.

So what’d you think of this episode? What should Shelby’s glee club be called? (“Brown/Sugar”? “Newer Directions”?) Finally, does McKinley High even have a dress code? (Judging from Brittany’s musical number, the answer is, “Thank goodness, no.”)

The Sing-Off: 'Folk Tale

There was a lot to cover in Monday night’s two-hour “Sing-Off” extravaganza.

We had the typically lavish, over-crowded group number (this time it was Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know”) and we had 12(!) competitive performances from six groups, with one unfortunate collection of singers giving us their swan song at the end.

Round 1 featured each group singing a current radio hit, while the second round somewhat randomly turned back the clock to the 1960’s. In the spirit of last night’s jam-packed episode, let’s get on with the recap.

Vocal Point opened the night with a solid performance of Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never.” As Shawn pointed out, watching grown men sing Justin Bieber is just inherently funny. Fortunately, Vocal Point also had a good arrangement, strong vocals and crowd-pleasing moves on their side. Personally, I think they could’ve used the services of Justin Bieber’s suddenly unemployed swagger coach, but it was still a delightful way to start the evening.

Fortunately, they did much better with “The Way You Look Tonight” in the 60’s round. At first, I was a little disappointed that they didn’t keep the cool, lounge-y vibe that kicked off the song, but when I saw that they were intentionally hopping between tempos and genres to cover as much 1960’s music as possible, I was more impressed, even if it was still slightly schizophrenic to my ears (and eyes).

I really liked that Delilah went lower-key (not literally) with their performance of Adam Lambert’s “Whataya Want From Me” after their bombastic “Grenade” last week. Shawn was right about how it was a lesson in how harmonies are built and each singer pretty much held her own. I actually kind of wish they’d kept things minimalist the whole time because by the time everyone joined in to sing the familiar melody, their time was almost up. (We DID have 12 songs to get through.)

Unfortunately, their 60’s round take on “Heat Wave” was a COMPLETE dud. I thought it was a totally predictable choice for an all-girl group, and I wasn’t thrilled by the unimaginative arrangement (then again, what can you really do to this song?) Maybe I’m just sick of hearing people sing this during Motown Week on “American Idol.” The best thing about it was their retro dresses and their period-appropriate moves.

I thoroughly enjoyed Urban Method’s multi-tasking soloist Troy (and the reggae-ish vibe of his voice) as well as the female soloist whose name I didn’t catch, even if their on-stage interactions were a bit awkward. However, rapper Myke was jarringly over-the-top in the second half of the song, making for an unpleasant end to their first performance.

Meanwhile, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the group finally hit their highest note (yikes, I’m turning into Nick Lachey) when they stopped taking themselves so seriously (“We’re edgy!”) and had fun. Their 60’s round performance of “Dance to the Music” was pure joy, funk, guitar solos and my boy Troy. The only problem I see is that the group was at its best when it abandoned its “Rapapella” identity. So what do they do from here on out?

Afro-Blue easily won the first round with their jazzy take on “American Boy” (I mean, I even feel a little silly pointing that out because it’s so obvious). EVERYTHING about it was brilliant…the cool, effortless scatting at the beginning, easy/breezy performance quality, the groovy soloist and the rafter-rattling bass and beat boxing.

After (arguably) giving two of the best five performances of the season, there was bound to be a bit of a letdown. Their take on “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” was a perfectly solid performance that came off a bit disappointing because of Afro-Blue’s previous excellence. I really enjoyed soloist Trent’s voice (basically everyone in this group is amazing, it turns out) though I wish he’d opened his eyes and connected more with the audience. I also liked the “Everybody was talking about you” add on at the tail end of the song because I love a group that looks at an iconic tune like Marvin Gaye’s classic and says, “It’s really good, but what if we added THIS?”

I don’t know if the Yellow Jackets’ main soloist was TRYING to mimic Taio Cruz’s nasally voice or if that’s what he sounds like, but I did NOT enjoy him at all. It’s too bad because their version of “Dynamite” had a promising opening (those opening chords) and a decent finish, even if they’re choreography way heavy on mugging. The middle section was rescued by featured soloist Aaron.

Speaking of Aaron, his voice is so crystal clear and his performance is so earnest that I didn’t even mind the shameless flirting with judge Sara Bareilles during “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” I also appreciated the horns at the beginning and the faux-conductors off to the side. I thought it was easily the best performance of the 60’s round and probably what kept them in the competition. (Or maybe I’m the only one who thought they were in serious jeopardy after “Dynamite.”)

The pre-performance package showed us an overwhelmed (uh-oh) Kinfolk 9 (pictured, right) obsessing about their blend and talking about how they have to step their game up. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you if their blend was any better this week because I was completely bored by their listless performance of “Price Tag.” Their singing, choreography and arrangement all appeared to be devoid of life. The only thing I remember is featured soloist Mary dropping it as if it were hot for a moment.

That’s probably why their rendition of “Let It Be” turned out to be too little, too late. I’m not as big a fan of soloist Moi as everyone else seems to be, but he absolutely put his heart and soul in this performance. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all there was to their by-the-numbers performance, which proved to be their last hurrah.

At least Kinfolk 9 proved they had a sense of humor by picking Beck’s “Loser” as their swan song. The choice came down to them and Delilah, who may have had the worst performance of the night with “Heat Wave”, but had a stronger body of work overall.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Urban Method have been in trouble instead of Delilah? (I was ok with putting them through after their 60’s performance.) Why was Nick’s suit supposed to be retro? (It was a little shiny, I suppose.) Finally, was Moi’s distractingly terrible haircut the REAL reason Kinfolk 9 went home? (To be fair, it was probably the fact that they were the worst group, but still…)

NFL 2011 Week 4 Picks

Remember that completely disgusting and tasteless book O.J. Simpson wrote called “If I Did It”, where he “hypothetically” described the murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman?

Well, not to go even a little “O.J.” on you, but since I was out of town and away from the Internet last week and didn’t do my Week 3 NFL picks, allow me to present a brief version of “If I Picked Them.”

Obviously, I could give myself a 16-0 record for week 3 (and you’d have no way to prove me wrong), but the reality is I would’ve gone 10-6. My six losses would’ve come from Bills over Pats, Giants over Eagles, Ravens over Rams (I thought the Rams would wake up at home…still waiting for them to wake up), Raiders over Jets, Seahawks over Cardinals and Browns over Dolphins. (What? I actually thought Miami could win a game once they got out of Miami.)

That brings my season record to (a party hypothetical) 30-18. Let’s jump right into this week’s picks.

DETROIT @ DALLAS

I think Dallas’ offense will be a lot better than they were during the Monday Night football kicking contest against the Redskins, but I still think they’re too banged up to beat the surging Lions. (You’re damn right I just said “surging Lions”!)

CAROLINA @ CHICAGO

Most of the talk around the Bears so far has focused on their inability to defend QB Jay Cutler. It seems like precisely the right time for their defense and special teams to carry them to a win.

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI

I like the Bills (like everyone else) but his has letdown game written all over it. The Bills are coming off their biggest win in almost a decade and they have to go on the road to face a team that laid an egg last week. No thanks.

TENNESSEE @ CLEVELAND

If Chris Johnson (pictured, left) had been around for preseason, he probably would’ve played three games. Let’s call Weeks 1-3 his preseason…it’s time to start playing for real.

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY

The Chiefs actually showed signs of life last week for the first time all year, while the Vikings keep finding new and not-so-exciting ways to blow huge leads.

WASHINGTON @ ST. LOUIS

I’m riding sad, decrepit Rams bandwagon until the thing tumbles off a cliff.

NEW ORLEANS @ JACKSONVILLE

The Saints tend to struggle a bit against crappy teams on the road, but they should be able to handle the Jags.

PITTSBURGH @ HOUSTON

Ugh…I hate trying to pick this game. Houston lost last week against the first good team they played all year, but they acquitted themselves nicely against the Saints. Or did they? (Blowing a lead several times isn’t really encouraging.) Meanwhile, the Steelers struggled more than they really should have against the Colts. I’m calling that their wake-up call and saying they handle the Texans.

SAN FRANCISCO @ PHILADELPHIA

I’m more sure that the Eagles will win than I am whether or not Michael Vick will actually finish this game. (Philly doesn’t need him to beat the Niners at home.)

N.Y. GIANTS @ ARIZONA

The Giants looked great last week, but Arizona is a sneakily hard place to play. I’m going with New York until the Cards can prove to me that they’re not a complete mess.

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE

Seattle is another tough place to play, but I just can’t pick Tarvaris Jackson to win two games in a row. Sorry.

MIAMI @ SAN DIEGO

If Tony Sparano hasn’t updated his resume, he really should.

NEW ENGLAND @ OAKLAND

I’d be more inclined to pick the Patriots if Oakland hadn’t had that splashy win against the Jets last week (and if the Patriots weren’t coming in pissed from having lost to the Bills). The Pats will bounce back and win.

DENVER @ GREEN BAY

This feels like the week that Green Bay just completely kicks someone’s ass. (Finally.)

N.Y. JETS @ BALTIMORE

Each team has had its ups and downs, and we’re only in week 4! I’m taking the Ravens because I’m not encouraged by the Jets’ ability to stop the run after Darren McFadden ran wild all over them.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TAMPA BAY

Are you ready for some garbage?! (On the plus side, I finally get to watch a Bucs home game on TV.)