American Idol: Lucky 13

Sorry if I’m late with this recap of the “Idol” wild card show, but there really isn’t much to say.

At least not when the judges had CLEARLY decided who they were going to advance to the top 12, er 13 before anyone sang a word on Thursday. (In a related story, Anoop being added as the 13th finalist is a frontrunner for the Least Shocking “Shocker” award this year.)

If you don’t believe me then you probably still think the Earth is flat. Or you believe that four scattershot judges can come to a reasonable, informed decision on who advances to the final in a two-and-a-half-minute commercial break.

Here’s a quick rundown of the evening’s performers:

Jesse Langseth: Probably my favorite person coming into last night – I REALLY wish she had picked a different song than the non-showcasey “Tell Me Something Good.” Dances as sexily and naturally as Megan Joy Corkrey wishes she did.

Matt Giraud: If he’d sung “Who’s Lovin’ You” the first time, he wouldn’t be performing in the wild card round – he’d already be in the finals.

Megan Joy Corkrey: Picked a good song for her voice again (“Black Horse and a Cherry Tree), but I CANNOT ignore the tragic dancing. It’s painful how much the judges want her to be the new Adele or Duffy – because what America needs is an inferior version of Adele or Duffy.

Von Smith: What’s his secret? He can’t sing well unless he’s yelling.

Jasmine Murray: Sounds exactly like a dozen or so other R&B/pop singers. Also, “Mulan”? Really?!

Ricky Braddy: He’s good, but am I the only one who can’t understand a single word this guy is saying when he’s singing? (Actually, I’m not because I turned to my girlfriend Erica for translation and she had no clue what he was saying either.) Finally, could his pants have been ANY tighter?

Tatiana del Toro: After getting over the mere fact that she was here, I had the same impression as before. Good singer, but why is she so CRAZY? Also, singing the same song is a no-no if you don’t switch it up...

Anoop Desai (pictured, right): ...unless you’re Anoop and you revisit your popular “My Prerogative” performance. Then it’s perfectly ok.

From the start it was obvious that the judges wanted Anoop (who IS charismatic and incredibly popular), Megan (American Adele), Jasmine (Commercial with a capital “C” – I know because they mention it every time she’s on stage) and Matt (his “Viva La Vida” was AWFUL – so to bring him back after that train wreck tells you they REALLY wanted him in the finals). On top of that, Anoop was probably the only person in the country who thought he was actually going home after Matt picked up spot #12.

After watching this atrocity of a wild card show I’m more inclined than ever to agree that the reason people like Ju’not Joyner and Kristin McNamara were not picked for the Wild Card show is because they would outperform the judges’ preconceived picks and make the show look even more rigged than it already is.

Then again, this top 13 may go out there and put on some spectacular performances. Ok, maybe not. How about this? This top 13 may go out there and put on an entertaining program for the next 13 weeks, even if they’re not the 13 best singers that could’ve competed for the title of this year’s American Idol.

That’s the thing. As much as fans like to rail about the integrity of the competition, this, first and foremost, is a TV show. And, like “The Bachelor” earlier this week, TV producers know that even if you outrage your fans, they’re still talking about you. And that’s better than being ignored.

So what’d you think of the wild card show? Which three from the show would you have put through? (Based on the performances, I would’ve picked Matt, Jesse and Anoop.)

Hell's Kitchen: Bobby Trap

You know how when you buy a toy for a young child, he or she plays with it for about 10 minutes before eventually getting sick of it and moving on to the next thing?

That seems to be happening to Chef Ramsay.

Sure, he had a blast suggesting that Seth was mentally challenged and that Coe-lleen was a thief in the early part of the season. But he’s apparently gotten sick of shooting those fish in that particular barrel, and now seems interested in finding the one person in this group of fools who could actually run a kitchen. Then again, Lacey is still around.

The continuation of this “Hell’s Kitchen” recap found the women all but busting out the party hats after Lacey was sent to the men’s team, while the men were, um, considerably less thrilled about their new chef. (Why did Ramsay do this again? It’s not like the men were doing too well and needed a Lacey anchor to slow down their momentum. And it’s not like the women were struggling SO much with Lacey that they could never win with her.)

I actually felt a little bad for Lacey at the start. As I mentioned in my last recap, Lacey didn’t have to put herself up for elimination last week (in the spot that should’ve been occupied by Coi) and actually looked like she performed well in the previous dinner service. On top of that, while I understand the women were tired of her attitude, openly high fiving each other over her departure was low-class no matter how you look at it (save it for the confessionals).

Of course, Lacey immediately erased almost all the goodwill she may have earned with me by busting out and permanently plastering her trademark stank, “I’m too lazy/totally over this” face for the first 30 minutes of the show.

It was there during her first meeting with the team when she said she was allegedly “sick of all the drama.” (Said the president of the Drama Club.) It was there while the blue team was shopping in an Asian market during the challenge, which involved creating three Asian fusion dishes. It was there while the rest of the team worked during the challenge (I would’ve thought Lacey would appreciate the opportunity to nap) and while Ben tried to teach the admittedly inexperienced Lacey something. Finally, it was there after the men lost the challenge and Lacey threatened to quit for the 78th time this season and Ben tried to talk her down from the ledge. Sure, Ben WAS blowing smoke up her ass, but what the hell(‘s kitchen) does Lacey want her teammates to do. The red team already tried cursing at her, and now she’s apparently resistant to coddling too?

Meanwhile, on the newly-liberated red team, Andrea grabbed the reins in the Asian market as her teammates shot her dirty sideways glances (but followed her lead anyway). I totally agree that Andrea can be incredibly annoying sometimes, but I don’t really see anyone else on the team stepping up. Also, I finally realized who Andrea reminds me of – she’s Monica from “Friends.” Except that Courtney Cox was playing an overly-intense character for laughs, while Andrea appears to really be this way.

The challenge was judged by Ramsay and Tanya Wenman Steel of epicurious.com. But really, all Giovanni, me, and people watching at home were thinking was “boobs.” (Seriously, lady, why?!) Highlights included J forgetting what he and Giovanni’s dish was called (ok, so that’s a lowlight) and Paula’s Tuna Tempura being so good that it earned a spot in the evening’s dinner service.

The women won and earned a fun sumo wrestling outing that featured Jean-Philippe getting to indulge his unrequited crush on Chef Ramsay by rolling around on the floor with him in inflatable sumo outfits. The ladies then got drunk on some sake and stumbled back to HK. There they found the newly tight blue team, who’d bonded with Lacey over fortune cookie making and origami. Yes, Lacey finally formed a bond with her team by showing them how to make origami. Of course, it would’ve been nice for Lacey to find something FOOD-RELATED she was good at, but succeeding at SOMETHING seems to have gotten her confidence and her spirits up.

With spirits up for both teams, the dinner service was bound to be a success, right? Yeah, not so much. Things looked great in the beginning with Giovanni and LA producing top-notch risotto for their respective teams, but everything nosedived from then on.

The trouble started when a couple of sumo wrestlers showed up and ordered the entire menu (way to shatter those stereotypes, guys!) Andrea repeatedly burned her steaks and tried to hide them (she knows this show is filmed and that there are cameras around, right?), and Coe-lleen leaving an oven door open and serving a raw dessert (how do you even do that?) On the blue side, J undercooked his steak, and Robert (pictured, left) had an unpleasant flashback to his childhood and mentally shut down when Ramsay repeatedly called him “Bobby.” I get that the guy has family issues, but how can you totally shut down like that if you’re supposed to be a professional? It was like he had been brainwashed “Manchurian Candidate”-style.

Also, call me a cynic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Fox execs knew about the Bobby issue (there HAS to be a psychological profile before the show, right? And if there isn’t there should be) and had Ramsay push him, knowing what would happen, only to give Ramsay an opportunity to show some heart and apologize later. I realize this is far-fetched and conspiracy theory-y, but I wouldn’t put it past this show. Mostly though, I just wish I’d never seen Robert’s butt, even if it was blurred out.

In the end, Ramsay declared this a no-win situation and called each team to nominate one person for elimination. The red team put up Andrea (which she was ok with), while the blue team nominated J. At this point my DVR cut off because Tatiana del Toro was probably rambling too damn much in the American Idol Wild Card show the previous hour and AI spilled over into “Hell’s Kitchen.”

However, online recaps tell me Ramsay sent Coe-lleen home. I mean, it’s not like she deserves to stay (she’s terrible) so I can’t argue that Ramsay made a bad choice. Still, it feels like a copout by Ramsay, who probably didn’t want to decide between two chefs who were a lot more capable than Coe-lleen. (Psst, he should’ve sent J home.)

Goodbye Coe-lleen. If there was ever a personification of the phrase “those who can’t do, teach” you were it.

So what’d you think of this episode? Could Paula be the one to step up and challenge Andrea for red team supremacy? Were you disappointed to see Coe-lleen go or did Ramsay make the right call? Finally, with most of the train wrecks gone, who do you think is shaping up to win this thing?

America's Next Top Recap: Good Girls Gone Bad

I honestly had no idea season, er, cycle 12 of “Top Model” was premiering last night.

Completely forgetting is a mini-big deal for me since this’ll be my fifth cycle recapping the show and I’ve said, on more than on occasion, that it’s my absolute favorite column to write.

Still, it took me stumbling across the CW while trying to decide if I wanted to give “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham” a second chance on ABC to realize the “Top Model” season premiere was on. The fact that I don’t watch any other show on the CW (and I missed the commercials for the show) probably had a lot to do with it. Another factor may be that “Top Model” just feels tired.

However, here I am, eating up all the wonderfully trash-tastic shenanigans the Goddess of Fierce Tyra has planned for us, and hating myself for actually waiting to watch a new episode of “Lost” on the DVR while I took in the bloated, over long two-hour “Top Model” premiere live.

This year’s arbitrary season premiere theme was that the contestants were Greek goddesses (past years included boot camp soldiers and, um, robots). Tyra made her obligatory garish entrance, welcomed the girls and then left them to go eat some grapes.

If I sound a bit apprehensive is because I don’t usually get into a season of “Top Model” until the makeover episode. The premieres are especially challenging since we’re bombarded by contestants trying to outcrazy/outcharacter each other. (If you’re scoring at home, “seizures” beats “blaxican”, “conspiracy theorist” beats “seizures, “preacher” beats “conspiracy theorist,” and “burn victim” beats all.)

The field went from 35 down to 21 instead of the customary 20 (see, because they’re in Vegas), and we said goodbye to Kathryn and her food pens. After that, the girls were cut down to the final 13, and we said goodbye to ghetto (not so) fabulous Angelea, who’d gotten into a shouting, fingernail waving, brushing-up-against-each-other face off with Sandra. While it’s back to the Port Authority (or worse, according to her — Buffalo!), for Angelea, she did help illuminate the overriding theme of the early part of the season: Sandra is a raging bitch.

After the selection show, the producers worked extra hard to show us what a horrible human being Sandra is. From arguing about a bed she had no right to pick (that belonged to Celia), to rudely kicking her roommates out at the ungodly late hour of 10:30 p.m., she did everything she could to distance herself from everyone. And those were the things her fellow models saw and heard! (She was even more vicious in her confessionals.) Still, the thing I dislike about her the most is how thoroughly tedious she is. “I’m not here to make friends” is NOT an original concept Sandra.

That and the incredibly high amount of pills Isabella had to take to control her epilepsy were the only highlights in the house. The week’s challenge was so dull that they didn’t even bother declaring a winner for that “good girl, bad girl” runway show. (Though Sandra, only walking a quarter of the way down the runway, was CLEARLY the loser. I loved Ms. J’s disapproving look. He looked personally offended.)

Still, that was more interesting than this week’s photo shoot. Apparently, Tyra’s passion in life (right now) is to make sure young girls maintain their innocence and their childhood as long as they can. I’m just not sure how dressing a bunch of grown women up as jail bait-y little girls playing games is going to further that cause. For good measure, three model “extras” were thrown in, including one who was supposed to represent teen pregnancy, but was really just creepy. (Pictured, right, the "bad girls" surround Blaxican Fo in a ring around the rosey of doom.)

On top of that, the girls don’t really know anything about modeling yet, so about half of them resorted to the same “putting my leg up in a dancer-y way” move. Finally, I’m no professional photog (and I’m sure it was intentional), but I didn’t like how grainy the pictures looked. If they’re supposed to be little girls, why is the photography gritty?

My favorite (and the judges’) was Allison, whose huge eyes only freak me out any time the camera cuts to her. I also liked London’s shot, as well as Celia’s. My least favorites were Aminat (totally uninteresting), Isabella (maybe dodging the dodgeball would’ve been a good idea), and Sandra’s (so much more she could’ve done with “hide and seek”).

After Nigel coined the term “wind in the face” to describe the alien-like Teyona, I was convinced the bottom two would be Sandra and the insecure Tahlia, who has burn marks on most of her lower body and let it affect her work. However, Sandra was joined in the bottom two by Isabella, who was sent home after risking a seizure during the strobe light-y runway show and because she’s not as interesting a TV character as Sandra. Welcome back, “Top Model”!

By the way, my customary Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All is Celia because, at 25, she’s considered old (which counts as a legitimate obstacle to overcome on this show) and because I like that she looks like a really tall version of “The Closer” star Kyra Sedgwick. (Con-feyyss!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Can YOU name five working models right now? I’ve got Giselle Bundchen (does she even count), Bar Rafaeli and that’s it. What was up with Mr. Jay's ridiculous bicycling outfit? Finally, who is your early favorite and who is your early anti-favorite?

Lost: That 70's Show

“LaFleur” is exactly the type of episode of “Lost” that represents why I love this show so much.

I get that there are people who only watch the show because they’re big sci-fi fans. I also get that there are even more obsessive fans who watch the show to try to spot and break down the dozens of literary, pop culture and scientific references each hour.

However, I love the show because it really does feature some of the strongest characters (played by some of the best actors) on TV today — with a sci-fi twist to throw everything off-kilter.

And just like Locke turning the wheel put a stop to our Time Travelers’ nose bleeds and headaches, last night’s episode slowed everything down and put the focus on developing two of my favorite characters following a season of time-jumping craziness.

Where they landed for good was during the Island’s Dharma Initiative era in the 1970’s, a time of free love where people neglected their polar-bear monitoring duties to hook up in a surveillance station.

Things were considerably less harmonious when Sawyer and Co. first settled into their destination. Faraday was mumbling to himself and distraught over the fact that he had lost Charlotte forever since her body didn’t make the time leap. Jeremy Davies didn’t have much to do in this episode, but he did it brilliantly. I loved his “I’m so over this” body language and attitude (“It doesn’t matter what we do. Whatever happened, happened”) He was even better when he recognized a redheaded girl in the Dharma camp. Earlier he’d mumbled to himself “I’m not going to do it”, but we all know one way or another he’s going to try to prevent her death. (And given how creepy he looked, I can see why the young girl thought he was a boogeyman.)

As good as Davies was, Josh Holloway (For Your Consideration, Emmy voters) and Elizabeth Mitchell (the best actress on the show) were the stars of the hour. Sawyer has been evolving from a selfish jerk criminal into a selfless leader/hero for more than one season already and Holloway really brought that transformation home in this episode with tons of heart and charisma. (How adorable was it that he instantly jumped into that well as soon as he could to try to save Locke?) Of course, the character hasn’t COMPLETELY changed. The nicknames (“Plato” and the classic “Eyeliner”) were definitely back in full force last night. Meanwhile, Mitchell was given the best material she’s gotten since her character was introduced in season 3 and she absolutely delivered the goods.

Can you tell that I’m loving these two as a couple? (Sorry, Desmond/Penny, but Sawyer/Juliet is my new favorite couple. Then again, it’s entirely possible I’m weaning myself off of Desmond and Penny as a couple because there’s a decent chance Penny might be dead.)

It could’ve been very easy to say that Juliet is merely going after Kate’s sloppy seconds, or that the romance was a little too convenient (“He’s hot. She’s hot.”) But in just a couple of scenes last night, the writers established why this couple makes perfect sense. Kate and Sawyer may be kindred spirits, but Juliet compliments him in a way Kate never could because she’s always running away and is WAY too stubborn and proud. Whether it’s PRIVATELY telling Sawyer that his plan to go to the beach sucks (this would’ve led to a big argument with Kate), “getting his back” in a firefight (she’s a hell of a shot) or cooking him dinner after a tough day of being a leader, it looks like Juliet is kinda perfect for him.

Sawyer, now known as James LaFleur, is the head of security for the Dharma Initiative. Last night we saw how he met up with the vaguely hippie-ish folks and earned their trust in the midst of the Dharma people’s war against the indigenous hostiles. He did so by saving the life of a Dharma wife Amy (Reiko Aylesworth of “24.” Yes!) from two Others who’d killed her husband.

Despite their heroism, Dharma leader Horace Goodspeed (the guy who recruited Ben’s dad to the Island and built Jacob’s cabin) needed some more convincing. Further proof that Sawyer hasn’t completely changed was how easily he slipped into a con about how he and his people were searching for a ship called “The Black Rock” and were looking for the rest of their crew. (Note the fact that, like the Oceanic 6, the [Former] Time Travelers had to concoct and agree on a lie.)

Unfortunately, Sawyer and Juliet killing those Others meant Richard Alpert showed up looking for blood. Sawyer saw a clever way of dealing with him AND ingratiating himself with his Dharma people — he told him the (time travelling) truth. Alpert looked slightly freaked out when Sawyer dropped the (Jughead) bomb, but Richard still wanted a dead body in return (presumably to persuade his people that things were even.) Squashing the war with the Others bought Sawyer two more weeks on the Island, where he wanted to remain until Locke and his friends came back.

Still, Sawyer’s best con job may have been when he convinced Juliet (who’s been trying to leave the Island ever since we met her) to stay for “two weeks.” (Brilliant use of the “Three Years Later” title card right after that. Talk about a REALLY “long con.”) Sawyer did this with charm and by utilizing the method all con men use — he convinced her it was something she wanted to do.

Instead of resenting being trapped on the Island for three more years, it appeared to be the best decision Juliet had made in a long time. The Dharma compound looked lovely (flowers!), Miles/Ennis seemed less jerky and more compliant, and a woman (Amy) was able to give birth to a baby (her and Horace’s). Sawyer’s gentle support and Juliet’s expression after the successful delivery were both priceless. (Her facial expression was only the second best of the night, it turned out.) Do we think Sawyer’s right about whatever keeps women from having babies on the Island hadn’t happened yet? (I’m inclined to say “no” given that someone mentioned babies were usually delivered on the mainland — this delivery seemed special.)

However, all’s not well in Dharma-ville. The Others could still strike at any time, and there’s also the little matter of a genocidal purge perpetrated by Ben that’s yet to come.

Until then, life is good on the Island isn’t it? It’s certainly better than life off the Island has been for Jack and Co. I also think the writers made a brilliant decision to have Sawyer and Co. settle into their Island lives for three years — the exact same amount of time the Oceanic 6 have been away — setting up an interesting dilemma. When you think about it, Sawyer only knew Kate for a little over three months, while he’s been with Juliet for three years.

So is three years long enough to get over someone? James LaFleur may have said “yes” to Horace, but judging by Sawyer’s expression at the end of the episode (a thrilling mix of “oh my god!” and “holy crap”) when Kate stepped out of that Dharma van, and the two locked yes, the answer is no.

So what’d you think of this episode? How far back in time do you think the (Former) Time Travelers were when they briefly glimpsed the completed four-toed statue? (Assuming it was the same one) Do you like your Sawyer scruffy or clean(er) shaven? Why did those two Others kill Amy’s husband? (I’m not totally trusting Amy) What’s really bugging with Horace? (I get that he said he was upset about his wife’s apparent fickleness, but upset enough to start blowing up trees?) How cruel is the Island to bring Kate back to Sawyer, but not Sun back to Jin? Finally, why the hell do we have to wait two weeks for a new episode?!

Random Thought of the Moment: Really, American Idol?! Edition

I hope Seth Myers doesn't sue, but REALLY, American Idol?! Tatiana del Toro deserves a spot in the semifinals over Ju'not Joyner and others?

I mean, I'm not going to claim to boycott the show (since we both know I'll keep watching) but really, "Idol"?! You hereby lose the right to ever say this is a "singing competition" again. (The expression on my face on seeing the news is kinda like the one on Tatiana's in that picture.)

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: No Can(cer) Do

I’ll give the writers of this show credit.

Despite blatantly (cheaply?) bailing out on one of its most provocative storylines (the impending death of one of its major characters), I’m not really all that pissed off. Not only that, but I’m REALLY looking forward to seeing what happens from here on out.

All this time we’ve been wondering how the scribes were going to write themselves out of the “Christian is dying” corner, and the whole “your lab results got switched” solution was not exactly very artful.

However, the shocked/pained look on Christian’s face (great job by Julian McMahon) as he was about to head out on his honeymoon with Liz and Wibur was brilliant. The game is now on to see how long before his marriage to Liz collapses, right?

This all followed an episode where Christian learned to let go of his false hope for immortality and had finally seemed ready to settle in and end his life as happily as he could with his new wife.

It wasn’t easy, since Kimber was back raising hell after being kicked out of her house (and bed) by Ram and Eden (AnnaLynne McCord back again from the “90210” for a quick scene). I’m actually surprised Eden hadn’t worked her evil charms on Ram sooner and convinced him that Kimber was washed up.

I thought this was the perfect opportunity to show Kimber in a more sympathetic light. However, the writers continued their mission to keep her as a raging bitch as she dumped her baby on Matt (who pathetically tried to hit on her anyway) and decided to try to break up Christian and Liz’s wedding after finding about the nuptials from Matt. Fortunately, Liz is considerably less pathetic than Matt, saw that Kimber just wanted to get a nice apartment and a nice chunk of inheritance money and handled Kimber very well. However, the wedding scene where Kimber stood up and simply walked out seemed to indicate she was genuinely hurt and still really loves Christian.

I wasn’t really loving the patients of the week. I get that the patients often parallel what the doctors are feeling and the bloodsuckers represented a form of immortality for Christian. However, they were mostly just tedious and stupid. They were actually some of the least interesting vampires I’ve ever seen. Christian thought so too, throwing them a bag of blood and sending them on their way.

I was actually more amused by Christian’s scheme to have himself cryogenically frozen. He was met the way he should have — by laughs from Sean, Liz and Matt. It was even better when he found out the reality wasn’t as sleek or stylish as he’d described it. I can’t blame the guy. I wouldn’t want a roommate in my coffin or urn, so why should Christian have one in his ice chamber.

Meanwhile, we got a little more insight into why Teddy is as crazy as she is. Actually, no we didn’t — we just got a bunch of scenes of her acting crazy for no good reason.

She’s been living a double life as a wigged anesthesiologist in Las Vegas, which is where she apparently picked up her little nitrous oxide habit. I guess that habit may be the reason she’s insane since she suffocated the (grosser) Vegas doctor. Will Sean (who may be developing a taste for the gas himself) be next? I wish I were interested enough in this crazy-for-no-reason character to answer my own question.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who do you think is the real love of Christian’s life? Liz or Kimber? (Since it’s obviously not Julia.) Was I the only one who didn’t realize how soon the wedding was going to be? Didn’t the guy vampire kinda look like Daughtry? How fast should Christian sue his stupid doctor? Finally, do you think this was a satisfying season finale? (I didn't even realize it was the season finale until today. As an episode it was ok. As a finale it was pretty meh.)

American Idol: (Judges') Love is Blind

Don’t look now, but every episode of the “American Idol” semifinal round was better than the one before it.

Not that I’m expecting this trend to continue once the top 12 takes the big stage, but it has certainly given hope to people (like me) who thought the producers had overwhelmingly emphasized drama over talent this season.

I can count the number of bad performances last night in one hand, and the number of truly atrocious performances in one finger (ok, maybe two).

Just like the last two weeks, let’s take a look at the top contenders, who has a decent chance, and who’s totally done. (In case you’re wondering, I’ve gotten 2 out of 3 finalists right each of the last two weeks, and only one non-“Contender” — Michael Sarver — made it through.)

DONE
Nathaniel Marshall already had two strikes against him heading into Tuesday night (the fact that he’s known more for crying than singing and his hideous wardrobe), so he needed a home run of a performance to stay in the competition. Instead, he popped weakly out to the shortstop.

I actually think he didn’t go big enough in his snap-tastic performance of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love.” It’s a huge, ridiculous song and I actually thought Nathaniel didn’t take enough chances. (I’m imagining how much Adam Lambert would’ve over sung that beast of a song.) Since it was his last time performing on the stage, Seacrest decided to use Nathaniel to revisit the whole “You’re gay. No Shaddup, YOU’RE gay!” thing with Simon. Blech.

Still, the worst performance of the night was from Arianna Afsar, who wanted to prove she more than just “cute as a button.” Curiously she decided to try to prove this by drearily and depressingly singing one of ABBA’s most emotional and rousing songs (Meryl Streep singing this was the only thing that woke me up in the second half of “Mamma Mia”). Only the very last note was good. The rest was horrible. Seacrest said this was the first time an ABBA song was performed on “Idol.” After that stink bomb, I’m kind of hoping it was the last.

I SHOULDN’T SAY THEY’RE DONE, BUT THEY ARE
There are a lot of talented girls in this category because Lil Rounds WILL win the female spot. But John, you may be asking, don’t you think one of the girls could grab that third non-gender specific spot? I’m glad you asked. My answer is no. The first two semifinal weeks have produced two men and one woman (if you count Adam Lambert as a man — ba dum bum!) finalist, so why should this week be any different?

It’s too bad because Kristin McNamara, Felicia Barton and Taylor Vaifanua are very good singers. I’m probably especially pulling for Kristen because the judges seem intent on tearing down her physical appearance every time they see her because she dares to look a little different. She sounded great on “Give Me One Reason” even if the arrangement seemed rushed and weird.

Meanwhile, Felicia and Taylor engaged in a battle to see who could do Alicia Keys justice. Felicia won. Her “No One” may have been over the top, but it was also energetic and impressive enough to overlook the few missed notes. Also, you can’t fault the girl, who’d been eliminated and brought back, for trying too hard. Taylor, on the other hand, did a VERY competent, but VERY similar version of “If I Ain’t Got You.” Sure, the judges were right in that it was forgettable and that it was unoriginal, but it would’ve been nice of them to mention how good she sounded on a tough song, instead of asking about her shopping habits.

I also want to thank Von Smith for dialing down the screaming and for acknowledging what I’ve been asking in these columns — “why is this guy yelling at us?” I thought he did a decent job in the first performance of the evening, but he still looks like he’s trying WAY too hard (with the jerkiness and crazy facial expressions). I guess I like it when people make singing look effortless instead of looking like they’re suffering a stroke.

I SHOULD SAY THEY’RE DONE, BUT THEY’RE NOT
Kendall Beard’s rendition of “This One’s for the Girls” was merely competent and oddly disconnected (it didn’t appear that she was paying any attention to what she was saying. But, as Simon pointed out, there is a significant amount of people who watch this show who are into country music, and for that reason, we can’t completely cut Kendall loose.

Meanwhile, Alex Wagner-Trugman IS as funny as Norman Gentle wishes he was. Everything about his performance — from the interview package detailing his workout regimen to the dorky dancing and accidental mic stand knocking-over — was absolutely delightful. Yes, I even liked the growling in “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues.” The country may have been tired of Norman Gentle, but maybe they’ll keep around a guy who’s genuinely funny.

THE CONTEDERS
And this is the part of the recap where I slam a blind guy and punch my ticket to hell.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Scott McIntyre (pictured, left) seems like a great, kind human being who really enjoys making music. However, as a singer in this competition, he’s just not good enough to advance. I hated almost everything about his performance. I thought the singing was off most of the time (though he did hit some nice patches) and I thought the song choice was horrible (what the hell is a “Mandolin Rain”?) Go find his performance online and listen to it with your eyes closed (or pretend you’re blind, if you will). Now tell me that it’s good enough to earn a spot in the finals.

Fortunately for him, the judges (unlike me) are not ready to slam a blind guy and treated him with kid gloves. He also received the Michael Sarver Unofficial Vote For This Guy endorsement, so he’ll advance to the next round.

That leaves Ju’Not Joyner (pictured, right) and Jorge Nuñez likely fighting for the wild card spot with wildly different, but equally worthy performances. Ju’not and his John Legend-esque vocals (“Legend-ary”?) stripped down “Hey There Delilah” and made it absolutely lovely and different enough from his Hollywood Week rendition to have the judges (Paula) forgive him for repeating himself. It was the one performance I could imagine listening to on the radio. Meanwhile, Jorge went the other way and delivered a surprisingly solid performance of the bombastic “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”, an “Idol” favorite he more than did justice to. Given the great praise for Jorge and the mildly half-hearted praise for Ju’not (they stupidly criticized him for “holding back” and “being safe”), I’m guessing Jorge is going to grab that third spot.

Jorge and Scott should join Lil Rounds in the top 12. Despite the fact that the judges obviously made up their minds that Lil Rounds was going to be amazing before she even started singing, I can’t get too annoyed, because she clearly delivered the evening’s most energetic, stirring performance (check out how the crowd got on their feet). She’s still not quite as fantastic as the judges want us to think she is (the first verse was slightly rough and she kind of chickened out of the last note), but she proved she was actually worthy of the judges’ shameless pimping after over doing it a bit in Hollywood Week.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you like to see Simon Cowell week? (At first I thought this was a bad idea because singers should express who they want to be through song choice, but then I realized that a lot of successful artists have songs dumped on them — also, it would shut the guy up about song choice for one week.) Finally, who do you seem making the top 12 from this group?

Heroes: Mother Knows Best

Zzzzzzz (jolts awake)! Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sylar continue to try to find his father.

I actually liked this last episode of “Heroes” (though not nearly as much as “Cold Wars”) so I figured I’d get my complaints about Sylar’s incredibly dragged-out, probably-insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things storyline out of the way first. And no — having Luke comment on how tedious it is does NOT make it any less tedious. The only cool part was the spray of red blood in Sylar’s black-and-white flashback after his dad killed his mom shortly after selling him.

Still, the question remains. Why do we (and Sylar) need to meet Sylar’s (third or fourth different) father? Who cares? A lot of people have argued that the Sylar character has long outlived his usefulness and effectiveness, and watching him detached from the main action this season (so far) I’m inclined to agree that the writers are struggling to find a way of keeping him around.

The rest of the episode was considerably more entertaining as Parkman and Peter used the information they gathered from HRG last week and set about rescuing Daphne. They also received help from the mysterious “Rebel” who had already contacted Claire and Hiro, and extended his (or her) reach to include Parkman and Peter. They got the address for the headquarters of Nathan’s operation and a heads up that they were about to be captured. Meanwhile, I became a little more convinced that the “Rebel” is the electronically-inclined Micah, despite the fact that it doesn’t really make any sense.

Further proof that this show doesn’t really take itself too seriously was Peter and Parkman’s break in at Nathan’s headquarters. Peter borrowed Parkman’s power and the two set about mind-controlling every henchman into doing their bidding. (Bonus points for having Peter admit controlling minds was fun.) The whole sequence was kinda stupid, but fun. The two also downloaded incriminating footage of people with abilities being detained and threatened to expose it to the mainstream media. Parkman allowed himself to get captured so that Peter could get away with the evidence. Sure, Peter couldn’t fly anymore, but he’s still faster than Parkman, right?

Peter tried to arrange a trade: the incriminating footage for Parkman and Daphne. However, Danko wasn’t very interested in making a trade and, in the least surprising turn of events, instead tried to set Peter up. Fortunately, HRG (who’s outwardly behaving like Danko’s new BFF) mentally warned Peter, who fell off the side of a building before flying to rescue. At least that’s what I thought — that the show had changed the rules about Peter’s power again — before my girlfriend Erica pointed out that Nathan was the one who’d flown in and saved him. I honestly did NOT get that, even during the scene where Nathan, Peter and their mother were standing together right afterward. This is why I have to have someone smarter than me when I’m watching TV.

At the end of that scene Peter DID borrow Nathan’s power and flew away. Nathan was going to fly after him, but Mrs. Petrelli stopped him and told him she’d had a vision of the future and that he needed to be ready. Earlier, Mrs. Petrelli had also flat out denied that she was rebel, claiming that she doesn’t know the first thing about computers. I don’t believe that Angela is ignorant about anything, but I DO believe her when she says she’s not “rebel.” However, I like to think she either knows or has a good idea as to who “rebel” is.

Maybe Angela’s vision had something to do with Danko strapping Parkman with explosives and dropping him off somewhere in downtown Washington, D.C. At first, I was confused as to why Danko would do this (it seemed out of left field), but then I figured that he’d seen the painting Parkman had done and remembered he’s willing to do anything to make the heroes look like dangerous threats — including blowing up a whole lot of innocent people. The painting appeared to inspire Danko’s nasty plan.

I also liked watching again how the characters continue to be trapped in self-fulfilling prophecies. I know Parkman’s sweetheart is in D.C., but if you think you’re going to be responsible for blowing up an entire city, you HAVE to stay away. (Especially when your “relationship” is BS and chemistry-free in the first place.)

Meanwhile, at the other side of the country, Claire continued to hide Alex. You remember Alex, don’t you — the impossibly good-looking comic book store geek who also has the body of a swimmer.

I’m actually going to lay off this storyline for a two reasons: 1.) My girlfriend has a major crush on Justin Baldoni, who plays Alex, and has tossed me and Zachary Quinto aside instantly to stare at him during last night’s episode (it’s like I wasn’t even there). The guy is likable enough to not have me dwell on the fact that his character is creepily macking on a 17-year-old, so I’m not going to hate too much out of fear that I come off as Mr. Jealous Guy. I’m even going along with the underwater pool kiss (pictured, right) to give Claire oxygen while they were hiding from bad guys. Sure, it was really dumb, but it was also a really creative way for the characters to have their first kiss.

2.) The episode let Ashley Crow, as Claire’s mom Sandra, shine. I loved that the character turned out to be a LOT smarter than anyone in the audience or in her family (except for Mr. Muggles) ever thought. I also liked the absolute glee and cunning Sandra displayed in helping Claire’s new (boy)friend get away. The mother daughter scenes between Crow and Hayden Panettiere were particularly strong. More of this please, and less of Claire’s melodramatic/badass poser garbage.

In the end, the creepy puppe tmaster guy showed up asking for Claire’s help, temporarily destroying my theory that the show is trying to pretend Vol. II and III never happened. That was something I genuinely did NOT see coming.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you care at all about Sylar’s dad? (If so, please tell me why I should?) Any new thoughts on the identity of “rebel”? When will we see Alex again? Inquiring minds (Erica’s) want to know. Finally, will Nathan have to cut the blue wire or the red wire to disarm Parkman’s bomb?

24: White House of Pain

I can’t explain exactly why tasering a phone (or is it “tasing” a phone?) is unbelievably awesome — I just know it is.

At least that’s the case when Jack Bauer does it out of frustration, impatience and anger on the rare occasion that he doesn’t get what he needs while interrogating a suspect with his tried-and-true “methods.”

So RIP, White House page phone. Your death was but one of many highlights in Monday night’s two-hour installment of “24” as the show unofficially kicked off the second half of its very, VERY good seventh season.

The first hour would’ve been even more exciting if Fox hadn’t decided to reveal that the target of Gen. Juma’s attack was the White House in its promos last week. (If Fox can spoil it in its commercials, I feel like I can spoil it near the top of my recap.) Despite knowing the answer to the episode’s central mystery, the episode still managed to be incredibly entertaining and thrilling thanks to some great performances (and the great tasering of a phone, of course).

How do we know the first portion of the season is clearly behind us? Because Col. Dubaku, the central bad guy so far, was killed by an operative working for Dubaku’s boss, Gen. Juma, before the opening credits had barely finished being displayed. In case you thought the Dubaku name might live on, his son was killed by Agt. Moss in the following episode as he tried to choke Renee to death.

Last week I wrote that maybe it was time for the Renee character to take an extended break after her umpteenth lecture to Jack about his apparent lack of a conscience. But last night, as she tracked Dubaku’s killer to a warehouse, and eventually uncovered Juma’s plan before being chased by Dubaku Jr. through a 5k run of death, I found myself surprisingly invested in her survival (despite the highly-questionable jump onto the back of Juma’s boat). The main reason I’d become annoyed by her was that she just came off as weak instead of sensible or compassionate in her pleas to Jack regarding his extreme methods.

“Weak” is the last word I would use to describe Sen. Mayer, who took up the cause of arguing against Bauer’s torturous ways. Mayer and his treasonous assistant Burnett had been summoned to the White House, where the president hoped to convince him to give up his crusade against Jack. Unfortunately, Mayer was having none of it. He wasn’t having any of Ethan trying to charm him or the implication that the president would pardon Jack. His tense debate with the president regarding Bauer’s ways was better than the 45 different scenes with Renee crying about having to hurt someone. Obviously Mayer is going to be a pain-in-the-ass for our hero, but I love that Kurtwood Smith is just as cranky as Sen. Mayer as he was as Red in “That 70’s Show.”

Unfortunately, Jack would soon prove Mayer’s point when he burst into the White House, put Bill to sleep (his “don’t fight it” was less rape-y than when he put Renee to sleep a few episodes ago), and brutally tortured Burnett. This interrogation scene was fantastic. I loved Jack’s speech about being able to tell when someone, especially someone under duress, is holding out on him. The president tried to convince him to stop via soon-to-be-tasered page phone, and finally had a few of her people blow the door right before Burnett was about to break. The scene ended with an exclamation point as Mayer called Bauer reprehensible, and Bauer shooting back with “you, sir, are weak!”

Jack was only able to torture Burnett because Chloe deleted his name off the “Evil Government Official” list before Burnett could be arrested and lawyer up (the way Sean did last week). The only problem was that a still-insecure Janis spotted what Chloe had done, thought it was curious that someone who was supposed to be such an expert had missed the deletion, and eventually had her detained. Their brief interactions were priceless last night, especially the one where Chloe busted out her best forced smile followed by her best Chloe face (the one that looks like she just smelled a particularly nasty fart). Can’t wait to see if these two end up laying hands on each other before it’s all said and done.

By the time everyone realized the target was the White House, it was too late. Juma and his crew had already (with surprising ease) infiltrated the White House and dispatched a bunch of (shockingly ill-prepared) Secret Service Agents. Before Juma could kidnap the president, Bill took one for the team and allowed himself to get captured. Fortunately for him (and for me, since I think Bill is great), he decided to sacrifice himself at the very moment Juma decided to stop killing people and start taking hostages.

Jack got the president into a secure room, and Juma (I like Tony Todd’s understated command) tricked Agt. Hovis, the most gullible Secret Service agent EVER, into thinking he had the president and set about trying to get to her. Jack foiled his underling’s attempt to use a code, so Juma called Jonas Hodges, the all-powerful figure played by Jon Voight who was introduced in the TV movie “Redemption.”

Last night, Voight’s performance was a little too over-the-top “EEvil”, but he seems to be enjoying himself and it should be interesting to see how he’s connected to the main plot. He’s expecting some sort of shipment from Juma. I’m assuming Juma’s giving him diamonds in exchange for financing the war in Sangala.

Speaking of Taylor, she was finally coaxed out of the room after Hodges told Juma her daughter (who helpfully has the exact same haircut as her mom) was in the building. Agt. Aaron Pierce (who really should be head of the Secret Service or something over that idiot Hovis) put up a brave fight, but Olivia Taylor was captured before she could signal the people outside to go ahead with the rescue mission.

Juma threatened to cut Olivia’s eyeballs and head off (pictured, left). Taylor asked Jack if he would let his daughter die, Jack responded with (and I’m paraphrasing) “so totally not it — you’re the prez.” Now Taylor (after a hard-slap from Juma) is in the general’s clutches and will, apparently, be forced to issue the last statement she’ll ever make.

It was a fun, action-packed two hours, though I’m curious to see how long they can drag out the White House hostage situation and keep things interesting. I’m also curious to see how they can possibly have Juma get out of this alive (assuming he’s going to be a force toward the end of the season).

So what’d you think of this episode? Why does Sen. Mayer hate Jack so much? (I’m not even sure there needs to be a reason.) Is there any way we can trust the shifty-looking VP who didn’t want to authorize a rescue mission? Isn’t it curious or coincidence that Ethan just happened to leave the White House right before the attack? (And what's the source of the obvious tension between he and Olivia?) Will any of the hostages die? Finally, why does Tony insist on acting all shifty and untrustworthy?

Heroes: Company Man of the Hour

I’m just going to come right out and say it — “Cold Wars” was the best episode of “Heroes” since season 1.

Of course, it turns out that the best episode of “Heroes” of the past two seasons is the first one I did NOT watch on a Monday night since the show’s first year, but I caught this one on Sunday afternoon and it’s definitely a case of better late than never. So thanks for showing the rerun, G4 — I still don’t understand why an alleged videogame channel is showing sci-fi series, but I appreciate it.

The fact that “Cold Wars” was so good is both a mild surprise and not a surprise at all. It’s mildly surprising that the show could deliver such a strong episode despite completely missing some of its more popular characters (Claire, Hiro, Sylar). However, it’s no surprise that, when the show chooses to focus on giving a smaller group of characters better material, instead of trying to give everyone in the huge cast something to do, the quality improves.

It’s also no surprise that the show’s best episode in two years revolved around Jack Coleman, the best actor on the show. (Yes, I know I’ve said it before and, no, I’m not going to stop — it’s true!) I don’t even mind that the episode shamelessly revisited (ripped off?) the fan-favorite “Company Man” episode from the first season, which chronicled Noah Bennett’s early days with the company, his fight to keep Claire under his protection and his introduction to his signature Horn-Rimmed Glasses.

In “Company Man,” HRG’s past was revealed through a series of black and white flashbacks as Parkman and an out-of-control, grief-stricken Ted (the Nuclear Guy) held the Bennett family hostage in their home. “Cold Wars” picked up where last week left off after Parkman, Peter and Mohinder drugged and kidnapped Bennett (pictured, right). This time, HRG’s more recent past (his involvement with Nathan’s plan) was revealed through a series of black and white flashbacks as an out-of-control, grief stricken Parkman held Bennett hostage and invaded his mind in search of clues. (Sound familiar?) Maybe the flashbacks aren’t so much “black and white” as they are “morally gray” which is where Bennett feels comfortable. I only hope Parkman was also able to see the helpful timeline-establishing title cards the audience was privy to.

The problem with more recent time-jumping episodes of “Heroes” (other than there are too damn many of them) is that they didn’t really reveal anything new or very significant about the characters. By contrast, the very first flashback in “Cold Wars” gave me a bit of a surprise — HRG practically begged to be put back into action.

All this time I’d assumed Bennett had been pressed back into hero-hunting duty in order to protect Claire, and that he was secretly in cahoots with Nathan about his plan. In fact, it turns out that the guy was just tired of doing crossword puzzles (“what’s another six-letter word for “kidnap”?) following a forced retirement from Angela Petrelli (Cristine Rose is the second best actor on the show if you’re scoring at home). I should’ve known this was the case because, for all his talk about how petulant and restless Claire is, the guy is just as bad. I’m thinking of him miserably working at that copy store in season 2 and beating up his manager. He and Claire are a lot more alike than they think. (Except for the huge talent gap in the actors portraying them, of course. Sorry, I just can’t help it.)

Eventually, Nathan paid him a visit, HRG showed him his secret stash of guns that he wasn’t ready to let go of, and HRG was back at work. The only problem was that Bennett wasn’t in charge, like he’d assumed. He’d be working under creepy, hero-hating Danko, whom he instantly clashed with. All this time, I’ve thought Danko may have a power himself given the unnatural contempt he has for people with abilities (and that may still be the case), but now I’m thinking the only power he has is to be an irredeemably cold bastard. I think Zeljko Ivanek is a great actor, but thought he was an odd choice for this character. However, after watching the two actors together and the contrast between Ivanek’s short, all-black attired, heartless character and Coleman’s tall, always-wearing-a-suit, charmingly-manipulative Bennett I finally got it — Danko is the anti-HRG.

The flashbacks gave Parkman the information he needed to send Peter on a couple of errands. Parkman was determined to bring the fight to the people hunting them, Peter seemed willing to go along with it, but Mohinder was less sure. First Peter flew to HRG’s secret stash and was nearly captured before getting away relatively easily (nice special effect). Then he was sent to Danko’s apartment to assassinate the hunter. Danko was ready to die to prove that people with abilities were dangerous, but Nathan flew in just in time to stop his brother from committing murder. (Thank you, writers, for having Danko, who’s supposed to be clever, note how quickly Nathan got there.)

Unfortunately for team unity, one flashback revealed that HRG had approached Mohinder about Nathan’s plan, but Mohinder had kept the information to himself. Since Nathan’s plan led to Daphne’s murder, Parkman took his pain out on Mohinder, allowing HRG to get away momentarily. Bennett certainly played his captors against each other, but I was expecting more mind games out of him in this episode. Nevertheless, these scenes delivered (Matt was badass-ish! Mohinder and Peter were tolerable!) and resulted in the episode’s twist that Daphne survived her shooting and is being kept in Building 26.

As someone who has never, EVER been a fan or a believer in the Matt/Daphne relationship, my reaction was a strong “meh”, but it justified giving Parkman a reason to keep Bennett alive, which is always ok by me. It also led to Mohinder FINALLY doing something brave on this show, allowing himself to get captured so that Parkman could get away. (I realize it didn’t exactly work out this way, but Parkman was eventually rescued by Peter, so I guess things worked out.)

The episodes ended with two twists. It turns out that Bennett is in league with Angela Petrelli and one of their goals was to get Danko’s trust. I like this because anytime you can get the two best actors on the show in one scene, that’s a good thing.

The other twist was another group of paintings that revealed an explosive future. Really, “Heroes”? We’re going back to that well again?! I mean I get that the show is trying to recapture its season 1 glory (which is a great goal), but that doesn’t mean they have to go out and do an episode-by-episode remake of the first year. (Were Peter and Parkman really in Isaac Mendez’s loft?!) At least we should be glad that this time they’re blowing up Washington, D.C., instead of NYC again.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why is HRG apparently the only character who sees the past in black and white when other episodes chronicling the past are in color? (Do the glasses help with that condition?) Does Danko already know Nathan has an ability or is he still putting it together? Am I too hard on Hayden Panettiere? Finally, if “Cold Wars” wasn’t the best episode since season 1, what was?