24: Sticking it to the Man (A LOT!)

Did you REALLY think a little thing like getting stabbed in the midsection could keep Jack Bauer from killing two armed Russian bad guys?

After several episodes of riding in a car by himself and letting Freddie Prinze Jr. save his life, Jack sprung back into action in a big way during the most shocking scene (of the season?) in last night’s “24.”

Looking back now, I really shouldn’t have been shocked since Vlad and his boys had just about outlived their usefulness (to this season’s plot).

Jack, in his amazing Ernst Meier disguise, met face-to-face with Vlad following the latter’s unsuccessful attempt to double cross and kill Jack. He once again tried to pull Renee out of the mission, but she refused. Vlad started making calls in an effort to make the Meier deal happen, and his first call went to that distinguished Russian bad guy Sergei Bazhaev, who gruffly denied having any knowledge about anything having to do with nuclear rods.

Once Vlad finished making his calls, he seemed ready to give up on the Meier deal. Renee pushed him to keep trying, which resulted in Vlad slapping her first, then punching her HARD. Now, maybe it’s because I was raised primarily by my mom and I would never, EVER put my hands on a woman, but I found Renee’s reaction (one stab in the eye, followed by many to the rest of Vlad’s body) to be perfectly acceptable.

Stabbing Jack in the same fit of blind rage? MUCH less acceptable. Fortunately, Jack has taken so much punishment over the course of this show, that he’s basically a Terminator. He used the same knife Renee stabbed him with to kill Vlad’s #1 henchman before shooting and killing another anonymous henchman.

The good guys seemed to be in a bad place since Vlad had struck out in finding a nuclear rod provider. (We saw Sergei tell the driver carrying the rods to pull over and park somewhere.) Jack lied and told CTU head Hastings that Renee murdered Vlad in self-defense (I’m not exactly sure why that qualifies as a lie, since Vlad hit her). After a mushy scene I’d rather not revisit (“You’ve got me”), Jack and Renee were visited by Bazhaev’s men before CTU could arrive. Jack hid Renee in a small room and let himself get captured so he could get to the rods. Bazhaev’s men took a secret underground tunnel (of course), which meant CTU couldn’t follow Jack and his captors.

So now Jack appears to be in Bazhaev’s hands, which will hopefully make Sergei and his son Josef a little more interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I think Jurgen Prochnow and David Anders are doing fine work as the father-son Russian bad guys. It’s just hard to get invested in them since it just FEELS like there’s an even bigger bad guy looming somewhere out there. (By this point last season, I don’t even think we’d seen Jon Voight.)

Maybe that bad guy will be ex-President Logan. Or maybe it’ll be Kayla Hassan.

Yeah, yeah, I’m probably reaching here, but President Omar Hassan’s daughter has been little more than daddy’s little girl so far this season. Well that’s not exactly true, since last night we got confirmation that she’s in a relationship with Tarin, President Hassan’s most trusted bodyguard (up until last night).

Since things aren’t always what they seem in “24” world, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a more sinister side to Kayla’s personality. Maybe she’s been using Tarin (who President Hassan had arrested last night) to get information on what her father has been up to? Or maybe I’m a little bored by this subplot and I’m hoping for more forward movement beyond scenes showing how President Hassan is losing his marbles. Oh well, at least his hair still looks poofy, even in these stressful times.

Speaking of subplots I’m bored by, let’s talk about Dana Walsh!

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but the scenes in the warehouse with Dana helping her ex Kevin and his country bumpkin during their heist were actually pretty enjoyable. I liked the little, realistic details (like the guys getting confused by all the numbers Dana was feeding them and going to the wrong cage). I also thought Katee Sackhoff’s acting during these scenes was pretty outstanding. (She sure knows how to look terrified.)

That also made me sad (and a bit mad) when I once again realized how such a good actress was being wasted on such a hopelessly pointless and moronic storyline. Part of the reason I enjoyed the warehouse scenes was that I actually thought we might be reaching the end of this plotline. However, with country bumpkin #2 knocking out that patrolman with a bat, I get the feeling we’re far from done with this nonsense.

(Insert sad trombone sound)

So what’d you think of this action-packed episode? Why was that knife just lying on the floor? Why is there a secret office in CTU? (Is it so troubled employees like Dana can run pointless covert operations?) Is Farhard Hassan still chilling with those Russian prostitutes? Finally, was anyone scared that Renee might kill herself in that small room after Jack stuck her in there alone with a gun?

John's Super Bowl Pick

You’re probably as tired as I am of hearing everyone struggle to find new ways to break this game down. (And I KNOW you’re tired of hearing about Dwight Freeney’s ankle (picture, right), so I promise not to bring it up – oops!)

Anyway, let’s skip the forced, cutesy intro and get right to the pick.

(In case you care, I went 1-1 during Conference Championship weekend, bringing my playoff record to 6-4.)

NEW ORLEANS VS INDIANAPOLIS
I like both of these teams a lot. A big part of the reason I had a pretty strong record picking games this year is that I picked the Saints and the Colts to win almost every week.

As a person who was rooting hard for the Jets in the AFC title game, I had an excruciatingly close look at how much of a cold-blooded assassin Peyton Manning has become. The Jets got the better of the Colts for the first quarter and a half, but Manning (and his coaching staff) made all the right adjustments and proceeded to dismantle the #1 defense in the league. Meanwhile, the word out of the NFC title game was that the Saints barely defeated a superior team and were lucky to come away with a victory. (Both of which are probably true.) As a result, I was SURE (as most people were) that the Colts would win.

A combination of the Saints being the sentimental favorites and the fact that there were two long weeks for all of us to overthink things made me start leaning toward the Saints. There was the fact that no one was really giving them a chance (shades of the Giants/Patriots Super Bowl). The rationale I REALLY liked was the idea that the Colts had mostly dominated two teams with deficient offenses in the playoffs (the Ravens and the Jets) and haven’t looked all that impressive against teams who could actually move the ball. (Remember how lucky Indy was to win that 4th and 2 Patriots game?) The Saints DEFINITELY fall under the category of teams who can move the ball.

Then I realized what all this rationalizing really was. I’m basically trying to talk myself into picking the Saints because I know the Colts are the logical, safe and, ultimately, right choice. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Peyton Manning is playing quarterback better than anybody I’ve ever seen play quarterback.

As much as I like the Saints, I’ll go with the team that has Manning.

The Super Bowl pick: Colts 41, Saints 35

American Idol: Audition Round Up

The good news is that we’re finally done with the increasingly-tedious audition rounds of “American Idol.”

The bad news is that, though I’ve seen a handful of people with plenty of potential, I didn’t really see or hear anyone who I’d feel comfortable betting actual money that they’d make it to this season’s Top 12. (Did you?!) After nearly a month of audition episodes, that’s simply not a good place to be.

This past week’s episode of “American Idol” felt like déjà vu all over again. Tuesday marked the return of Victoria Beckham to the panel. Wednesday’s episode felt more like the deleted scenes of a DVD – although, instead of containing mostly crap, the hour gave us at least a portion of a dozen or so successful auditions.

My brain is all but fried from these audition episodes, so I’m going to give you my free-flowing thoughts on the Tuesday and Wednesday night installments of “Idol.” (I solemnly swear to write proper recaps again once the good singing starts next week.)

- The Denver audition episode could’ve been re-named “Bring your kid to work day.” (Avril Lavigne would’ve HATED this episode.) Seriously though, what’s with all the single parents?! Obviously, they have it really tough, but to present kids as some sort of hurdle to be overcome (on par with cancer and deaths in the family) on the way to a career as a music superstar is a stretch, no?

- I’m guessing Victoria Beckham’s super-tight hairstyle somehow affected her hearing because all she could talk about was how people dressed and their skin. I get that to be a music superstar you have to have the “total package”, but it still seemed out of place.

- Just because you’re white, chubby and haven’t shaved in a few days (Mark Labriola) doesn’t mean you look like Jack Black.

- Fourteen hours is WAY too long to fly to try out for THIS show – especially when you really have no shot of winning. (Sorry, helium-voiced Nicci Nix.)

- Why WAS Kimberly Kerbow wearing a wig?

- Did anybody else’s Douchebag alart go off as soon as Aaron Paul came on-screen? Also, you’re a long-snapper dude. You’re like a tier above kickers and punters on a football team – calm down with the ego.

- A part of me was glad that the judges could be just as gross toward a man (Making Casey James take off his shirt and let down his girly hair) as they often are towards women. The other part keeps yelling, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

- My favorite Denver singer was Danelle Hayes, despite the fact that she acted as if a career singing in “bars and corporate events” was the worst fate imaginable. I also hope she stops yelling at me! If I had to pick anyone from the Denver audition episode to make it to the top 12 it would be her. She reminds me of Carly Smithson – powerful voice with more than a hint of desperation. My other favorite was Haeley Vaughn, just to see if she can be more than a curiosity and become the first “black pop country” crossover star (that isn’t Darius Rucker). She already sounds better live than Taylor Swift.

- I had about the same reaction action as the judges did (only mine wasn’t obviously staged) when Bikini Guy showed up. I’m glad they saved that for the end or I might’ve switched the channel.

As for Wednesday night’s episode, which focused mostly on good singers:

- I dug Didi Benami’s (pictured, left) version of “Hey Jude”, though I’m not really sure why we needed to know her best friend had died recently. (Ugh!) Her voice and style are reminiscent of last season’s Megan Joy (Not Corkrey).

- Speaking of Megan, we also got reacquainted with Lacey Brown, who was cut last season in Hollywood in favor of Ms. Joy. Lacey’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was another highlight.

- I didn’t really like 16-year-old Aaron Kelly, who sang “The Climb”, as much as the judges did. He’s got an appealing, low-key personality, but I personally think he’ll be eaten up in Hollywood. (Maybe it’s because he looks like a little girl.)

- I wouldn’t want to be the one to have to tell personal trainer Michael Lynche that he’s been eliminated. Then again, Kara called him a teddy bear, and the guy seems like a sweet person, so when he inevitably gets cut in Hollywood Week (his “Unchained Melody” was solid at best) there shouldn’t be any incident.

- Is Amanda Shectman (drama student/queen) the new Tatiana del Toro?

- Finally, we’ve seen lots of sides to Simon, but have we ever seen the humble, embarrassed sign after Victoria Beckham kept lightly teasing him about his sole songwriting credit during Jessica Furney’s audition?

So what’d you think of these episodes? Am I being too hard on this audition season and has it always been this way? Who was your favorite guest judge? (As much as I enjoyed Neil Patrick Harris, I HAVE to go with Katy Perry.) Finally, what one contestant would you bet the house on making it to the top 12?

Project Runway: Seeing Red

I like “Project Runway” and I like “The Apprentice”, but I would prefer it if those two worlds stayed separate.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about (pretty likely), “The Apprentice” (like many other reality shows) is infamous for product placement. What makes “The Apprentice” stand out is that Donald Trump often builds challenges and entire two-hour episodes of his reality hit around specific products.

Obviously, “Project Runway” is no stranger to product placement. (Did anyone else shed a single tear when Tim Gunn forgot to tell the designers to use the Bluefly.com Accessory Wall “thoughtfully”?)

Still, the latest challenge — creating a look that prominently featured the color red for women who had dealt with heart disease to help promote awareness — crossed the line in terms of taste. (Just like Jesus.) It turns out the designers also had to somehow incorporate the Campbell’s logo into their

I don’t want to bang on Campbell’s too hard because they’re obviously doing a great thing here, but REQUIRING their logo be placed in the contestants’ design seriously messed with the integrity of the competition. I mean, couldn’t it have been enough to have Tim and/or the contestants say “Campbell’s” about a dozen times throughout the hour? Hell, I think it would’ve been preferable to have one of the designers act like they were under the weather only to be comforted by Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup. (The camera could’ve conspicuously zoomed in on the Campbell’s logo the way it zooms in on the “HP” logo whenever they show one of those digital sketchbooks.)

Anyway, some of the designers (Janeane and Seth Aaron) seemed too distracted by the “challenge” of working with real women this week instead of their customary stick figures to notice. Since this episode was for a good cause and good vibes were in the air all around, none of the clients received the “bitch” edit. The closest anyone really came was Seth Aaron’s model asking for a Grecian dress, which really wasn’t in his comfort zone.

As far as some of the other designers, I like what I’m seeing from Mila and I don’t really like what I’m hearing from Emilio. Mila did what I always SCREAM for people with immunity to do. Instead of playing it safe, take a chance and be bold – you CANNOT be eliminated! Meanwhile, Emilio has seemingly been set up as this season’s trash talker. It’s not very flattering on him. The reason Christian Siriano was such an effective trash talker (and remains the most popular contestant in the history of this show) is because he had the skills to back up his trash talk AND he was funny. Emilio has skills, but he’s not funny (like Irina last season) – he mostly comes off like a big grump. By contrast, last season’s Nicolas was (kinda) funny, but did NOT have the skills to back up the talk.

The runway show was mostly underwhelming – I’m kind of convinced that Maya snuck into this week’s top 3 (along with Amy and Mila) by default. The judges didn’t so much love the heart-shaped swoosh dress Maya (Mila’s mini-me) created as they were intrigued by it.

The battle for the win came down to Amy and Mila, but I figured Amy would get it for two reasons. 1.) This show seems allergic to granting any contestant immunity two weeks in a row. 2.) She deserved it.

Amy’s flowy dress looked comfortable and was the only creation that MOVED on the runway. Mila’s dress on the other hand WAS bold, but the big white stars on the side didn’t scream of the dress made it look like she could’ve just as easily been going to an over-the-top 4th of July party.

The bottom three was comprised of Anne Marie (who made her model look like a linebacker – ouch!), Jesse (Angry Christian Bale struck out with a tiny white jacket this week) and Jesus (more on him in a bit).

At least Jesse’s dress was decent so he was sent to safety, which left us with Anne Marie and Jesus. As painful as it was to hear the judges (featuring guest Georgia Chapman) talk at length about how bad Anne Marie made her client’s body look, Jesus DEFINITELY deserved to go home.

Besides being in the bottom 3 in three out of five weeks, he designed a too-short, too-tight dress that was described by each of the judges as some variation of “tacky.” Methinks “tacky” was a code word for “slutty” and the only reason the judges held back from using the s-word was because of the presence of the real woman models.

Goodbye Jesus. Your taste level was questionable at best and you deserved to home. At least take solace in the fact that you lasted a LOT longer than you should have.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was it fair or foul to require that the designers incorporate the “Campbell’s” logo? Finally, do you like it when the show brings in “real women” models?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Sins of the Father

In the latest episode of “Nip/Tuck”, one character told one of our two leads to stop being a “chump.”

Now, if there were any way to bet on this, I would guess Sean would be the recipient of this bit of advice – and I would be wrong.

We had been lead to believe that “Virginia Hayes” was our Patient of the Week – a struggling actress and self-proclaimed “6” (maybe “7”) who wanted breast implants – but it turned out the real Virginia was the frustrated victim of identity theft. She lashed out at Christian for acting like a chump and falling under identity thief Marcy’s spell.

Now this episode went out of its way to point out the similarities between “Virginia”/Marcy and Kimber (hey, at least they gave Liz something to do for the first time this week), but I thought it was a bit of a reach. I applaud the writers’ effort to continue to have Christian deal with Kimber’s death (it would’ve been easier and not unprecedented to move on to the next thing), but I think this storyline was actually interesting on its own. They didn’t NEED to stretch to connect it to the doctors’ lives.

Sure, “Virginia”/Marcy was a criminal and there’s a good chance she was conning Christian to the very end, but I still felt bad for her when the real Virginia smothered her to death. (I think a big part of the reason I felt sad was because the actress kind of looked like Brittany Murphy.)

In case I was worried about my world turning upside down, there was no reason to worry – Sean went ahead and acted like a total chump in this episode as well.

The episode opened with Sean and Christian meeting with 15-year-old Aurelia Gallardo, the daughter of McNamara/Troy nemesis Escobar Gallardo (Robert Lasardo, pictured, left, who really is terrific in this role). Aurelia, a deeply troubled young woman thanks to her father’s dark legacy, wanted to know the truth about Sean and Christian’s dealings with Escobar and Silvio Perez, who had molested Aurelia when she was young (she didn’t remember this).

Sean toyed with the idea of coming clean to Aurelia about how Silvio’s brother had killed him out of shame and how Sean and Christian had disposed of Silvio’s body in the Florida swamp. Christian, not surprisingly, was against the idea, and so was Liz (hi again!) who wanted to put this part of their past behind them.

This led to a scary and effective fantasy sequence with Escobar popping up in Sean’s head again and telling him to shoot the crocodile that had invaded his apartment. You didn’t have to go to college (like Sean) to get the metaphor - the crocodile represented Christian and the dead body inside represented Sean.

Of course, Sean met with Aurelia and spilled his guts (the creepy music during the playground scene was effective), which led the Feds to McNamara/Troy. Now, obviously, I’m a bit hard on Sean from time to time, but he’s absolutely right to be frustrated and irate with Christian for bringing this (and other) trouble to their feet. I can totally understand why his mind would keep suggesting to him (in the form of Escobar) to cut ties with Christian.

The thing I can’t get over is, whenever he goes on his “Christian ruined my life” binges, Sean never shows any accountability for his role in all this. Christian didn’t trick him or force him to do something he didn’t want – Sean ALLOWED Christian to trick him and do things he was against. Still, I was very excited to see Sean revisit these thoughts and the possibility that he might actually turn on Christian is infinitely more exciting then having Sean walk away (to Africa).

I also like the way the show is going back to the beginning. Not only did they bring Escobar and McNamara/Troy’s original sin back, but by the end of this episode, Sean and Christian were right back where they started – dumping a body (“Virginia”/Marcy’s) to avoid trouble.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you dismayed or ok with the relative lack of Matt and Julia in the final season? Do you think we’ve seen the last of the Gallardos? Finally, how would YOU rate Fake Virginia?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Mommy Issue

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

Not only is that quote the only worthwhile thing from “The Godfather Part III” (well that and Andy Garcia’s performance), but it also perfectly describes how Sean must feel about his relationship with Christian.

Actually, that’s not entirely fair to say. Sure, Sean considered canceling his Africa trip with college buddy Curtis and the rest of the Savior Center staff after Kimber’s suicide left Christian looking and feeling like a wreck.

To add an extra helping of guilt, Patient of the Week Sheila Carlton had been brutally attacked by a monkey (chimp!) belonging to her unstable best friend Jane (played by an overqualified Frances Conroy of “Six Feet Under” fame). Sean could relate to Jane’s guilt (he WAS sleeping with Kimber until just before her suicide) until it became clear that she was sorrier for killing the monkey (CHIMP!) than she was over the fact that it had ripped half of Sheila’s face off.

Anyway, the guilt didn’t stop Sean from leaving – it was Curtis’ horny wife Sarah, who lied about sleeping with Sean, causing Curtis to lash out at him. Sean and Sarah had gone out for a friendly dinner, and a drunk Sarah was crashing at Sean’s place when she made her move in the middle of the night. That scene was incredibly hot, and Sean was a mighty big man for resisting. (I’m also assuming he had a mighty big erection under those covers – at least as big as his earlier erection when Sarah was examining him.)

Still, the whole thing felt like it came out of nowhere. Sarah had seemed more turned on by Sean’s facial reconstruction skills than by Sean himself, and it mostly felt like manufactured conflict to prevent Sean from leaving. It’s looking more and more like these two are destined to spend the rest of their lives together. They at least spent the end of this episode together, and I kinda loved Christian’s smile when he heard Sean was staying.

Speaking of Christian, the character seems to be alternating between asshole and, um, not quite 100% asshole every single week. In the previous episode, he was choking his wife during sex and telling her he could never love her, this week he’s serving a sympathetic shoulder to cry on for Kimber’s estranged mother Brandie (Melanie Griffith).

It was pretty obvious once naïve Midwesterner Brandie showed up that she and Christian would end up in bed together, so I was hoping for some kind of twist to spice things up. (Maybe Brandie not being as innocent as she seemed.) In the end, I was actually grateful to see that Brandie was just a sad, sweet, simple and beaten-down person without a hidden agenda. It was also good to see Christian actually feel remorse for his behavior before and after Kimber’s death. (I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of afterlife Kimber, which is good because a little Kelly Carlson sprinkled in is a good thing.)

Besides, this storyline delivered more than a few laughs thanks to Brandie’s disgusting, soap-obsessed tool of a car salesman husband (played by Robin Thomas). I also got a wonderful, unexpected (and unintentional) laugh when Brandie told Christian that she’d never had any plastic surgery. The fact that Melanie Griffith delivered this line was, to put it mildly, ironic.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are Sean and Christian destined to end up together or will Sean be able to break away? Do you think we’ll ever see Curtis or Sarah again? Were you happy to see Matt (now a barista) back? (It would’ve been nice if he hadn’t been a complete non-factor.) Finally, where the hell did they find Melanie Griffith?! 1988?!

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Death Wish

Well, that wasn’t exactly a shocker.

(And, no, I am NOT talking about the fact that I once again fell behind on my “Nip/Tuck”-watching. I considered blending the last two episodes into one column, but then I remembered that one of my favorite guilty pleasures only has a handful of episodes left. Each episode deserves its own recap, damnit!)

What I am talking about is that I’m not exactly surprised that, with the finish line in sight, “Nip/Tuck” bumped off one of its original cast members.

It’s also not exactly shocking that Kimber (pictured, left) was the one to go.

Ever since we met her in the pilot episode (and Christian broke her down by marking her body’s imperfections with Christian) she’s been on a slow, seven-season descent into total depression and brutal emotional abuse, mostly from the only man she really loved. I was sad to see her jump feet first into the Pacific off the back of Mike Hamoui’s boat, but I wasn’t really surprised.

At least Kelly Carlson went out on a high note. For the past season or so, Carlson has been as good as anybody else in the cast, making Kimber’s tragic end all the more heartbreaking. Obviously, Kimber wasn’t perfect, but with Christian being an asshole so much of the time, and Sean being a class-A moron so much of the time, it could be argued that Kimber was the heart of the show.

That’s saying something for someone who, when this episode started, was still in the midst of having an affair with her husband’s best friend. Christian finally got hip to how disinterested Kimber was acting and decided to try to spice up their sex life with some auto-erotic asphyxiation tips he picked up from a freaky-deaky patient.

Except that Christian removed the “auto” part and decided it’d be a good idea to choke Kimber while they were having sex, resulting in one of the show’s more disturbing sex scenes. (And that’s saying A LOT!) Nice work here by Julian McMahon and Carlson. When Kimber refused to return the favor and Christian later caught her faking an orgasm, Christian decided to insert the “auto” part back in and nearly died after hanging himself from his shower. (Did we learn nothing from David Carradine, people?!)

Kimber came home and saved him, but Christian had experienced a moment of clarity – he could never love Kimber. She sought solace with Sean, who was still acting angry and pissy and misguidedly lashed out at Kimber, who just needed a shoulder to cry on. (If you want to go to Africa with Curtis and do good work, that’s fine – just be a man and tell Christian to his face! Too often, Sean acts like a completely malleable chump. I see where Matt gets it from.)

Anyway, Kimber’s last ditch effort to find companionship took her to Mike, who apparently only welcomed her back so he could humiliate her (and because he needed a barmaid). That lead to Kimber’s fatal jump from the back of Mike’s boat. I get that we’re supposed to believe Kimber didn’t have anything left to live for, but what about her daughter Jenna?! If you needed even more proof that kids (Jenna, Wilbur and Conor McNamara) are a COMPLETE non-factor on this show, this is it!

The way the jump was filmed was very effective and kinda beautiful, thanks to actor Tate Donovan (“Damages”), who directed this episode. He’d filmed Patient of the Week Joel Seabrook’s jump from the Golden Gate Bridge in a similar way, creating a nice bookend to the episode. (Seabrook’s jump and newfound zeal for life was what had inspired Sean.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s your all-time favorite Kimber moment? (Kimber doll!) Finally, if you were going to hang yourself for pleasure, would you use a belt or a scarf? (Hypothetically speaking, of course.)

Lost: A Whole New World

I don’t even know where to start.

I just recently finished picking my jaw up off the ground and wiping little pieces of brain off my living room wall after Tuesday night’s mind-blowing episode of “Lost”

Unfortunately, I still have no idea where to start when discussing “LA X”, the show’s season 6 premiere. (If you’ve read my “Lost” columns before, you know that I dive more into the characters and the story, and leave the theorizing and obscure scientific and literal references to MUCH smarter people.)

I guess I’ll start at the end — of last season. Ever since our TV screens were consumed by that blinding white light as Juliet pounded away at the hydrogen bomb, fans have been anxious to find out what the producers had in store for us this season.

Of course, this means wey’ve been anxious in an “OMG, I can’t wait to see what happens way”, but also in a, “This better not piss me off way.” You see, if Faraday’s plan succeeded and Jack rebooted the timeline it would, in essence, mean everything we’ve watched for the last five years would become instantly negated. (Boo!) The alternative seemed to be that Faraday’s plan didn’t work and the castaways were still stuck in 1977 (double boo!) or that the H-bomb wiped everyone out (we all knew this option was VERY unlikely).

In a stroke of storytelling genius I haven’t seen since, well, season 3 finale “Through the Looking Glass” introduced the idea of “flashforwards”, the show’s writers have found a way to do both without leaving even a whiff of copout. In what producers are calling “flash-sideways”, we’re getting a glimpse at a different 2004 reality where Oceanic flight 815 lands safely in LAX, while still following our beloved castaways, who have somehow been transported 30 years into the future to 2007.

Even more impressively, “LA X” started doling out answers to some of the show’s biggest mysteries, while throwing yet another puzzle to keep our already-overworked minds occupied. (Hence my brain winding up on the walls.)

The season premiere introduced three separate, yet equally-interesting (at least, in my opinion) storylines: we had Jack, Kate, Sawyer and the rest of his Dharma crew transported to 2007, we had Jack and the rest of the class of 2004 (plus one “very special” guest) touching down in LAX, and we had Ben, Richard and the Smoke Monster hanging out inside and around the foot of the statue.

Let’s talk about that last one first because a lot of fans’ suspicions were confirmed when Fake Locke/Man in Black outed himself as the Smoke Monster with one of the greatest lines in the history of ever. After a crew of Jacob-worshipping cronies busted into the foot of the statue and tried to shoot Fake Locke, they were thoroughly thrashed by the Smoke Monster, who appeared seconds after Fake Locke vanished. (At least Bram put up a bit of a fight, though he probably should’ve made himself a bigger ash circle.)

Now, I’m sure most intelligent people would’ve put two and two together. However, there is a segment of the “Lost” fan population who (to put things kindly) tends to overthink things. As a result, I was happy that Fake Locke reappeared right after the Smoke Monster vanished and told Ben, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” Fake Locke/Man in Black = the Smoke Monster. It’s clear as crystal! Thank you for the bone, producers!

More importantly, I continue to be fascinated by the relationship between Ben and Locke (and, of course, Michael Emerson and Terry O’Quinn, who was OUTSTANDING last night). After Ben figured out what was going on (Emerson’s buggy eyes were bugged out more than usual last night), he whined about how Fake Locke had manipulated him into killing Jacob, seemingly blind to the irony of how Ben had repeatedly tortured and manipulated Locke when he was still alive. (Another point of interest: when Ben and Locke first met, Ben was pretending to be someone else. Ever since the power in this relationship shifted, it turns out that Man in Black had been pretending to be Locke.)

O’Quinn seems to be relishing playing an all-out villain, but I found myself angry at Fake Locke for his harsh words about Locke (I was also irrationably wishing Locke’s eyes would pop open at the end of the episode). Fake Locke also had harsh words for Richard, who he was surprised to see without his chains. (I’m assuming within a few weeks time, we’ll get confirmation that Richard came to the Island on the slave ship known as the Black Rock.) Most importantly, the Man in Black revealed his true agenda – he wants to leave the Island and “go home.” (Wherever the hell that may be.)

Meanwhile, within a firework’s view of the beach, Jack, Kate, Hurley, Jin, Sayid, Sawyer and Miles had been granted entry into the Others’ temple.

The other 2007 story had our castaways waking up not too far from the site of “The Incident.” The good news was that they had been transported back to the present – the bad news was that they were still stuck on the Island. The REALLY bad news for Sawyer (and for Jack’s face) was that Juliet was dead.

Except that she still had a bit of life in her, and I was happy to see the castaways work together to pull her out (I love when they work together). Now, I’m a big fan of Sawyer and Juliet, but I don’t really think they needed another emotional goodbye before her death. (I thought her slipping away from Sawyer’s hand in “The Incident” was incredibly effective and a fitting goodbye.)

Fortunately, their goodbye scene worked excellently in terms of advancing the storyline and creating a mystery where it might’ve failed in eliciting strong emotions from me. (Sorry, I felt a little overacted.) With her last breaths, Juliet seemed to be mumbling incoherently about getting “coffee, Dutch treat” and died before she could say something “very important.” Miles later told Sawyer that she had meant to say “it worked.” Obviously, we’re not supposed to know what this means yet, but it’s not a stretch to guess that Juliet’s mind could’ve been traveling to a different time and place (ala Desmond in “The Constant.”) The scene also gave me shades of “This Place is Death” when Charlotte told Daniel that she wasn’t allowed to have chocolate before dinner right before she died.

Whereas Juliet was gone (“Dead is Dead”), Sayid still had a few breaths left in him and Jacob (sans stab wounds) appeared to Hurley and suggested he be taken to the Temple. I’ve said time and time again, that the cast of “Lost” is one of (if not THE ) best cast on TV, and I think Jorge Garcia is probably its most underrated actor. Sure, Hurley always brings the funny (“If I were to mention a hole near a fall and a French team, would you know what I was talking about?”), but he’s just as good in the moments when Hurley steps up.

And last night, the castaways needed a leader with Sawyer too stricken with grief, and Jack too stricken with guilt (I can see how maybe it’s your fault Juliet is dead, but there’s no need to take responsibility for Sayid getting shot, man). Hurley led the castaways to the temple, where they met some new and familiar faces.

So far, I’m liking their mysterious leader. More specifically, I love that the guy who “hates the taste of English on his tongue” has to communicate primarily with Hurley, who says “dude” every other time he speaks. I’m also curious to see how a hippie-ish nerd like Lennon came to be histranslator. More than that, I’m curious to learn a bit more about these Others. If you’ll recall, the Ben-led Others had some sort of relationship with the people in the Temple, but had lived in the Dharma houses after the Purge. Are these Temple Others more hardcore Others than the Dharma Others (who seemingly dressed themselves up to look like the Temple Others.) Also, hi again Cindy the flight attendant and a few of the kidnapped kids! Nice to see the show didn’t just forget you!

Turns out Hurley’s guitar case contained a note hidden inside an ankh (like the one that statue held in its heyday) granting the castaways temporary entry to the Temple. The Others tried to save Sayid’ life presumably the same way the Others saved Ben’s life when he was young, but it didn’t work. Except that there was Sayid sitting up and asking what happened in a daze.

Although I wasn’t exactly shocked (I didn’t really think Sayid was dead, so I felt almost nothing when he “died”), the moment was definitely chill-inducing. So is Sayid really Jacob resurrected? Or is he alive the same way Ben was brought back to life after Sayid almost killed him (nice job again, writers), without innocence and with no memory of what happened? Obviously, I’m curious to find out, and I’m curious to learn a bit more about the Temple (which really looked GOOD on a TV-size budget.)

Lastly, (and certainly not leastly) there’s the seemingly alternate reality with Jack and Co. safely landing on LAX. I saved this for last on purpose because this storyline certainly begs the most questions. However, I’m fairly sure that we’re not SUPPOSED to know what the hell is going on, so I’ll keep my thoughts here brief until we get a bit more info.

Despite this appearing to be a fully-formed separate reality, these flash-sideways seem a bit off, almost like a dream. I’m not just talking about Jack having a mysterious cut on his neck or Hurley being incredibly lucky instead of cursed.

I loved the way the events we’ve already seen were slightly tweaked and sort of given a semi-surreal, dreamlike quality. (Matthew Fox’s subtle, disoriented performance helped things a lot.) The best example, of course, is Desmond’s cameo in which Jack couldn’t quite place him. (Was Jack remembering their brief meeting in that stadium years ago or their time in the Island together?) Talk about “seeing ya in another life, brutha!” Also, this “things aren’t quite right” quality help explain the fact that almost everyone’s hair is wrong.

Of course, the VERY best part of these flash-sideways is their element of surprise. You see, when Faraday came up with his plan (and when Jack executed it), they never really considered that, by detonating the hydrogen bomb, they wouldn’t JUST be altering the lives of everyone on Oceanic 815 at the exact moment it was flying over the Pacific. They would be affecting every single person who had contact with the Island between 1977 and 2004.

As a result, it’s going to be fun to reassemble the pieces we already thought we had figured out. Sawyer appears to be a con man (watch his eyes light up when Hurley mentioned he’s a lotto winner), but he seemed cheery for someone who had committed murder in the original timeline. Kate is still a fugitive, but did she still kill her father? Can Sun still secretly speak English? Is Claire even pregnant in this scenario? I can’t wait to find out!

My favorite part of this storyline (other than having old favorites like Charlie, a refreshingly non-whiny and charismatic Boone and a voice cameo by Greg Grunberg of “Heroes” as the pilot) was the scene between Jack and Locke in which the two sort of dug into each other’s hyper-sensitive business (Jack’s dad, Locke not being able to walk) yet ended the conversation with a handshake. Maybe in this reality, these two are well-adjusted individuals.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where do you think Desmond disappeared to? (I think people repeatedly telling him he was “very special” means he can somehow exist in more than one reality and be aware of it.) Where IS Christian’s body? How many times is that U.S. Marshal going to get his ass kicked by Kate? Do you think the 2004 flash-sideways will end with the castaways coming together and trekking to the Island in 2007 (I kinda hope not.) What ACTUALLY caused the castaways to travel 30 years forward in time AND survive a bomb blast? Finally, WHY IS THE ISLAND UNDERWATER?

American Idol: Barney (Stinson) and Friends

Sorry for the lateness, but I figured I’d quickly slip in my thoughts on last week’s “American Idol” audition episode from Dallas for two reasons.

1.) I didn’t get around to watching the episode until Monday night.

2.) It’s currently a 6 p.m. on Tuesday night, which means I’m going to be entering a “Lost” cocoon in a few hours, so who knows when I’ll get around to writing another “Idol” recap.

Anyway, as excited as I am for the final season premiere of “Lost” tonight, I’m almost as excited for these increasingly-unbearable audition episodes to be over.

Here are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts on the Dallas auditions, despite the fact that I could probably sum up the hour in six words: Thank god for Neil Patrick Harris.

- I read all the stories this week about how Neil Patrick Harris would make a good replacement for Simon Cowell and I (mostly) agree. It was refreshing to see a guest judge who actually had an opinion and wasn’t afraid to disagree with Simon in a clever and entertaining way. At one point, NPH even seemed to sway Randy and Kara to his side, but those two are even more easily-swayed than the dogs in “Up” when someone says “squirrel!” NPH also gets extra points for pointing out that the fact that Julie Kerelighan’s name was completely illegible on her sad homemade sign. (I’m actually a little sad that I looked up her name.)

- It’s a good thing NPH is apparently friends with Kara DioGuardi, otherwise she might’ve been in for another smackdown, Katy Perry-style!

- On the other hand, if someone had replaced Joe Jonas with a plastic plant (that had bushy eyebrows, of course), would anyone have noticed?

- The “best” singers of the night were charismatic Lloyd Thomas - who I mostly remember for singing my favorite Stevie Wonder song (“Overjoyed”) and for telling Simon, “You better leave right now” when he received unanimous approval from the judges – and David Pittman, who I mostly remember for singing very well despite having Tourette’s Syndrome. It’s probably an awful thing to say because his version of “Bring it On Home to Me” was lovely, but right now he seems like more of a curiosity than a legitimate threat to win this competition.

- Meanwhile, the most memorable singer was definitely whip-enthusiast and former “Barney” “star” Erica Rhodes. She definitely succeeded in making an impression. Unfortunately, she was considerably less successful in the, um, singing department. (Didn’t stop her from going to Hollywood.) Her “Free Your Mind” and “I Love You” (Barney’s Theme) were both nasal-y and annoying. Like NPH, I mostly felt dirty watching her sing the Barney theme in all her semi-slutty glory.

- Todrick Hall put more thought into his original “Idol”-themed song than the Black Eyed Peas put into their entire album. Kimberly Carver = jazzy girl.

- Finally, Vanessa Johnston is one of the worst singers this show has ever seen. I’ve seen every single audition episode in the show’s run, and I repeat, she’s one of the worst singers I’ve ever heard. She may not be as memorable as the William Hungs of the world, but her “At Last” is just SO wrong, in SO many different ways. Take a listen if you don’t believe me.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you see a potential “Idol” in Dallas? Finally, would anyone be against a Shania Twain/Katy Perry/Neil Patrick Harris panel next season?

24: Intro to German

Monday night’s installment of “24” felt like a placeholder – you know, the type of episode we get BEFORE a bunch of stuff happens.

I mean, when the climax of the episode revolved around a C-level character (in terms of importance) shooting and killing an F-level character, you got the feeling things were a bit lacking and that the best (hopefully) is yet to come.

You’ve heard me bitch about the stupid Dana storyline for a few weeks, so let’s just get it out of the way early this week. I’m sorry, but for someone who’s supposed to be some sort of CTU-genius, Dana is incredibly stupid.

First, she seems to actually believe that, if she pays creepy Kevin off, the jerk (and his shotgun-wielding buddy) will just magically leave her alone. To that end, Dana located more than $100,000 in drug money for Kevin and his pal to steal from a warehouse. Secondly, Dana decided to hand Kevin the fabricated key card in a parking area just outside the CTU building – and in plain view of a security camera. (Did Dana not know that was there?!)

Now fellow CTU-analyst Arlo — who NEVER passes up a chance to hit on Dana in a gross way — knows Dana is hiding something. I’m hoping he’ll help speed up the end of this pointless storyline. I’d be nice if Dana were smart enough to send creepy Kevin and his friend to a warehouse that’s scheduled to be demolished or something, but she wouldn’t be smart enough to do that.

We’ll have to wait till next week to see Kevin (get his) in the warehouse.

Oh well, at least we have the season’s main storyline to keep us entertained. As you probably remember, Renee has been in the process of infiltrating the Russian underworld over the last three episodes. The goal is to set Jack up as a fake German arms dealer and get their hands on the weapons-grade uranium.

In the meantime, Renee’s “I don’t care if I live speech” had the dual impact of convincing former “lover” Vlad that she was for real AND making him want to take care of her again. Renee was understandably hesitant since Vlad (who kinda looks like a scary Daniel Craig) brutalized her in the past. As Vlad did his version of sweet talk (shattered vodka glass included) Jack was reduced to listening in through Renee’s communication device. It was almost as if he was plugged into the Russian phone sex line from hell.

The episode’s big moment (that didn’t involve gunshots) was Renee willfully giving herself to Vlad. As I mentioned when we first got a look at Renee this year, I get the whole “Renee is the new Jack” thing. I also understand the idea that Jack has had to sacrifice and do some truly horrific things during missions for the greater good. I just wish Renee’s big sacrifice didn’t have to be sex. It’s great that we got Annie Wersching in a towel, but it mostly seems lazy on the part of the writers to have Renee violated this way because she’s a woman.

Anyway, Renee and Vlad were in for a lot more quality time together because Vlad had decided to have Jack killed. Fortunately, Freddie Prinze Jr. was in a neighboring rooftop and helped saved the day just as Vlad’s men were about to execute their double cross.

We’ll have to wait till next week to see Jack, Renee and Vlad face-to-face. (Thankfully, we did NOT have to wait till next week to hear Kiefer Sutherland’s laughably bad German-accented English or see his even funnier “Ernst Meir” disguise. Apparently, Ernst looks, talks and acts exactly like Jack Bauer, except he wears goofy round-rimmed glasses. Good times!)

Meanwhile, on the political front, President Taylor is still annoyed that President Hassan is cracking down on his people following the attempt on his life. If I were Cherry Jones, I’d bust into the “24” writing room waving the Emmy I won last year and demand they give me decent material!

Actually, the most interesting development on the Hassan front is the apparent relationship between Hassan’s bodyguard — who had to arrest one of Hassan’s most trusted allies — and Hassan’s daughter, whom the bodyguard called on her cell last night to tell her daddy’s losing it. Granted, there’s a decent chance I could be completely making up that relationship.

Finally, it turns out I was wrong about the Bazhaev family drama. All this time I assumed big brother Josef’s decision to save his little brother would eventually lead CTU and Jack to the uranium. (It still might, seeing as how they left a bunch of dead bodies lying around in that clinic). Dr. Levine had seemingly given Josef the tools to save his brother’s life, but their dad Sergei had found out about his son’s deception and sent a team to kill everyone at the clinic and retrieve his sons.

We all knew little bro wasn’t long for this world, so I wasn’t surprised when Sergei put a few bullets into him, despite the fact that he was menacing Josef. Sergei also planted a “Godfather II”-type kiss to let us know he’s a badass. (And that he has good taste in movies.)

We’ll have to wait till next week to see — oh wait, I guess this side story was actually wrapped up. Go figure. Hopefully, the Dana Saga is next

So what’d you think of this episode? How the hell did Sergei’s men find Josef in that clinic? Did the glasses make Jack look more or less awesome? Finally, who’s got a nicer ass – Dana or Chloe?