John's Top 10 TV Shows of 2009

If you think this is late, allow me to point out the fact that I didn’t get around to publishing my “Top 10 Shows of 2008” until Feb. 16, 2009.

Who knows? If I keep this trend going, I may actually have my “Top 10” list for 2010 ready in, well, 2010!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Instead, let’s look back at the year that was in television. And if you haven’t gotten your fill of reminiscing quite yet, be on the lookout for my top 10 movies of 2009 (which I usually publish around Oscar time once I’ve had a chance to see as many of the awards contenders as I can) and my top 10 movies of the decade (which I plan to finish up…sometime…maybe even this year).

Before we get to the main event, let’s recognize some shows outside the top 10. (Also, apologies to show I haven’t gotten around to watching, which include “Dexter”, “True Blood”, “Big Love”, and anything on CBS.)

WORST SHOW OF THE YEAR

Scrubs: Ok, I realize “Scrubs” is probably not REALLY the worst show of the year. However, given the fact that it’s gone from one of my favorite shows of all time, to a show that declined significantly in quality before rallying to finish strong, (that beautiful finale with J.D. leaving the hospital) to a show that I absolutely cannot stand to watch anymore (Kerry Bishe IS terrible), it gets my nod as the worst of the year. Trust me – this hurts me more than it hurts you.

BEST SHOW THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST SHOW OF THE YEAR

Glee: Is there a more uneven show on TV? The good: some of the best zingers in primetime (most of them delivered by Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester), the mix of unabashed cheesiness with razor sharp satire (the scene in “Sectionals” with the TOTALLY oblivious judges was an instant classic!) The bad: too often this show has downright terrible pacing (it felt like it took YEARS to get to Sectionals and some of the obstacles were laughable in a bad way) and plotting (let me get this straight: we’re SUPPOSED to root for our protagonist to ditch his wife? Also, he went entire months without touching her stomach?!) Still, the cast is too good and the show is too unique for me to stop watching.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cougar Town: It seems like creator Bill Lawrence packed up all the funny from “Scrubs” and brought it over to “Cougar Town”, where (an occasionally grating, but ultimately winning) Courtney Cox leads a pretty great, appealing little ensemble.

Jersey Shore: It’s as funny (at times even intentionally!) as any sitcom in primetime and introduced the world to the likes of Snooki and “The Situation” (perhaps the best nickname ever). MTV clearly gave up the idea of having anything to do with music years ago. I suppose the least they can do is put on a show that’s more entertaining than the last 10 “Real Worlds” combined. Actually, the only reason I don’t put it in my top 10 is because I can’t have “Jersey Shore” AND my #10 show of the year on my “Best of” list because I don’t want to lose all credibility. I’m comfortable losing only MOST of my credibility. (Oh, good point - I never HAD any credibility.)

THE TOP 10

10. Celebrity Apprentice: Yes, I realize this is trash. I also know that this is the show that inspired the most spirited debate in my home. (That probably says more about my home than the quality of the show.) Dennis Rodman was revealed to be an alcoholic. Tom Green was revealed to be one of the saner celebs. Clint Black was revealed to be a dick. Most importantly, you were either on Team Annie Duke or you were wrong. (Bring it on, Team Rivers!)

9. Men of a Certain Age: One good thing about not compiling this list until now is that this show snuck on there at the last minute. Star/producer Ray Romano proves to be a surprisingly effective dramatic actor, Scott Bakula’s likability makes his scoundrel 100 times more palatable and Andre Braugher will be in the running for his third Emmy if enough people pay attention to this show. Braugher is EXCELLENT as one of the titular men coping with the various indignities of middle age with a perfect mix of humor and honesty.

8. 30 Rock: Other than a few wrinkles — I like Cheyenne Jackson as the new Canadian cast member — this show is pretty much the same. Liz Lemon (aka Lesbian Yellow Sourfruit) is still unlucky in love, Jack Donaghy is still simultaneously trying to run GE and keep it from going under, and Tracy and Jenna are still immaturely making Liz’s life a living hell. Then again, if I were Tina Fey and my show was an awards magnet (including the last three Emmys for Best Comedy Series), I probably wouldn’t change too much either

7. Ugly Betty: When you weren’t watching (i.e. Friday nights) this show got REALLY good again. The show has used interesting new pairings (Daniel/Marc, Amanda/Claire) to spice things up, but the most important change was having the title character grow up. Betty Suarez now has a new job (associate features editor) and a new wardrobe (now more stylish than garish), but remains the likable center for all the craziness at Mode magazine.

6. The Office: Well this is kind of a precipitous fall for what I often call “the best show on TV.” Sure, it remains one of the best comedies on the air today, but I feel by having its most lovable characters grow up (Jim and Pam) the show has sacrificed some of the funny in season 6. (Let’s agree to not mention “Mafia” again.) Still, there’s plenty to love. The acting is still top-notch and the Michael Scott Paper Company storyline from the spring was a winner (as was the recent “Niagara” wedding episode.) On top of that, I commend the sitcom for (unlike “30 Rock”) taking a chance and having its characters grow up. (Jim now knows that being a boss is MUCH harder than it looks, but I hope John Krasinski gets to be funny again soon.)

5. Parks and Recreation: If you had told me that one day I would be ranking this show above “The Office” after it debuted this past spring, I would’ve told you that was crazy talk. (Unless I was ranking crappiest crap I’ve seen recently.) Still, when it came back in the fall, Amy Poehler was allowed to do more than just give a second-rate Michael Scott impersonation and the rest of the terrific, likable cast fell into place. This wins my “Most Improved” award.

4. Friday Night Lights: Now I haven’t seen any of season 4 (currently airing on Direct TV), so this ranking is for season 3, which gave a couple of original characters (Jason Street and Smash Williams) emotional and fitting farewells, expertly incorporated some new blood into the fold (D.W. Moffett was an outstanding bastard as Joe McCoy) and, oh yeah, gave us a game-changing turn of events at the end (Coach Taylor is fired by Dillon High School and takes over the hard-scrabble East Dillon program). All the while Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton continue to be the most likable (fictional) couple on TV.

3. Mad Men: I was a little dubious at the start (things were moving slowly and Don seemed to learn NOTHING), but the third season of “Mad Men” quickly kicked into overdrive with style and plenty of excitement. Of course, this being “Mad Men”, this excitement was probably more understated and stately than most people would’ve preferred, but the beautiful directing, writing and acting kept me on the edge of my seat. (Jon Hamm acted his ASS off in the scene where Betty confronts Don about his drawer.)

2. Lost: Sure, it seemed at times that a physics degree was required to follow everything that was happening in the drama’s time-travel heavy fifth season. (The show was self-aware about its complexity yet refused to talk down to its audience.) Then, the same thing that always happens to me with this show happened again. I was absolutely drawn in by the biggest and best cast in primetime (Josh Holloway particularly stepped up this year) who made their characters come to life to the point that it didn’t matter that I couldn’t always follow what was happening – I wanted to follow this group of people to the very end. And the show certainly set up that final season in a hell of a terrific way!

1. Modern Family: When I saw the pilot, I said it was the best comedy pilot I’d seen in years. Since the show has actually gotten better since then, I haven’t stopped laughing. The cast is fantastic (especially Ed O’Neill, Eric Stonestreet and Ty Burrell, TV’s next great dumbass) and the writing is both warm and sharp. Still, my favorite thing about “Modern Family” is that it doesn’t resort to using any gimmicks. It’s not interested in being overly ironic or hip, it’s not interested in being overly dark or shocking to show how edgy it is. Even the sentimental moments rarely veer off into Velveeta territory. The writers do an incredible job in finding the comedy in a group of people who care for each other and bringing us a show that’s both 100% current and a bit of a throwback.

Jersey Shore: Toe to Toe

My biggest (TV-related) regret of the past year was not writing a recap for “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

(I’ll pause 10 minutes so you can laugh at and judge me. You done? Ok, welcome back.)

I obviously watch a LOT of TV. Most of it is good, but some of it is absolute trash. Yet, for one reason or another “Celebrity Apprentice” was one of a handful of shows that me and my girlfriend Erica would ABSOLUTELY have to watch live. (And if we went out on Sunday night and came back at 11, we’d fire up the DVR and watch the two-hour episode before we went to bed.)

This is no small feat for me because, thanks to DVR, I’m becoming more and more notorious for watching shows a few days after they air and churning out ridiculously out of date columns and reviews. (Coming sometime in 2010: my “Avatar” review!)

I’m telling you that to tell you this – “Jersey Shore” is the new “Celebrity Apprentice”!

We know it’s bad for us, but we can’t stop watching – and laughing. I considered starting a “Celebrity Apprentice” recap midway through last season, but I didn’t want to jump in halfway through. “Jersey Shore” is simply too good of an opportunity to miss.

In case you’ve been living under the rock, the show follows seven (good riddance, Angelina!) self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes (the show taught me the latter was a real term) as they live in the Seaside Heights portion of the Jersey Shore.

Since we’re joining this program in progress, I’m going to assume you have some working knowledge about what happened in the first five episodes and jump right into episode 6.

In a desperate bid to give Vinny some semblance of a storyline (that didn’t involve the words “pink” and “eye”), we were left last week with the cliffhanger of Vinny “hooking up” with a cougar-iffic woman who turned out to be Danny the boss’s/landlord’s lady friend. Sure, we’ve seen that Danny can be a bit of a hard-ass (the way he tossed out Angelina), but we’ve also seen that he’s a fair and reasonable guy (Angelina deserved it).

Anyway, I was glad to see this bit of obviously trumped-up drama defused quickly. Danny busted Vinny’s chops and the whole incident was over in a hurry. (I mean it was REALLY over, since we didn’t even glimpse the cougar-iffic woman again). Since this was the first “Vinny-centric” episode (hopefully as “Vinny-centric” as this show will get) we also met what appeared to be every single member of his family. To be honest, my favorite Vinny moment of the night was when he got a look at The Situation’s sister, saw how much they looked alike (it WAS freaky!) and simply said, “I wasn’t into it.” (Another thing Vinny wasn’t into – the “gym, tan, laundry” mantra of his roommates. How did Vinny get on this show?!)

Speaking of The Situation – perhaps the most compelling reality show character I’ve ever seen – it’s becoming abundantly clear that he’s a lover and NOT a fighter.

Now, I usually don’t get too excited about sequels, but when I saw we were in for a follow up to the “Grenade” drama, I was giddy! In case you missed it, I’ll let The Situation explain it: “When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.” Pauly D — who is probably my favorite character, but is DEFINITELY Erica’s favorite — was forced to take the “Grenade” last time, despite the fact that he wasn’t too fond of his date for the evening. (“My girl was f---ing busted!”)

As with most sequels, part two was bigger in scale. I mean, it was LITERALLY bigger. Not only was the girl from the original incident back (and once again preventing Mike from hooking up with the girl he actually wants), but they brought along an even bigger, angrier girl who ended up charging Snooki “like a hippo” and smacking her in the face when Snickers tried to throw them out of the house. (The Situation, of course, had the line of the night when he said the bigger girls must’ve smelled the food coming from the house.)

Of course, the more important issue is that The Situation appears to have partly instigated another issue that escalated into a fight, before curiously staying on the fringes of the action. Of course, his genius is that you can’t really stay mad at him. Shortly after “Grenade 2”, Mike and Snooki were horsing around. Then again, Snooki probably just wants him to keep cooking for her.

The evening’s main storyline, however, was the emotional rollercoaster ride that is the relationship between Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart. I mean, Jon and Kate think these two should chill out.

After ducking out of yet another group outing early, Sammi became enraged at Ronnie after he made a joke about her gigantic “Flintstone” big toe on their cab ride home. This is as real as reality TV gets. I mean, who hasn’t been here? You’re joking around with a friend or significant other and then one person crosses that (invisible) line and all of a sudden there’s arguing and crying.

At first, I was happy that Ronnie stood up to Sammi (who’s been a MAJOR drama queen the past few weeks), but he eventually caved the way all guys cave. Ronnie ended up apologizing for his completely insignificant insult while Sammi wasn’t shown apologizing for the truly horrible things she said to Ronnie (that he was “f---ing lame” and that he was dead to her).

Still, it was obvious to everybody (especially the ever-perceptive and spiky-haired Pauly D) that Ronnie just wasn’t right. After Snooki confronted the couple about the way they’ve isolated themselves (which they have), they proved her point by bolting yet again. Unfortunately, this time they ran into a world-class instigator who saw the MTV cameras and REALLY wanted to be on TV.

Now, I like Ronnie. I thought he was going to be a one-dimensional ‘roider, but he’s proven surprisingly bright and self-aware. That’s probably the reason why I feel like I’m giving him a bit of a pass on his fight in the boardwalk. Obviously, he shouldn’t have pushed Sammi (even if it was to keep from agitating the instigator), but the guy was just obviously not in the right frame of mind throughout this entire episode yet basically did everything he could to avoid the fight.

Of course, he went home and eventually made up with Sammi. Methinks he’s probably second-guessing himself for breaking his own rule about not falling in love on the Jersey Shore.

So what’d you think of this episode? What is it about Snooki that makes people want to hit her in the face? Has Sammi been a gigantic pain-in-the-ass lately, a victim of reality-show editing or totally cool these past few weeks? What was J-WOWW up to for most of this episode? Finally, will we EVER see The Situation close the deal with any of the girls he brings back to the house?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Award Goes To...

As “Nip/Tuck” nears its ultimate end, I suppose the time was right for the show to go back to the beginning.

And I’m not just talking about the show literally going back to its origins and showing us how Sean and Christian first met. I’m talking about an episode that harkened back to the time when people could still make a case that this show was a serious drama by showing restraint (well, what passes for restraint on THIS show anyway) and focusing heavily on the past, present and future of its two main characters.

(Ok, so there was that mile-high sexcapade between Sean and the weirdly aggressive chocolatier, but this is still “Nip/Tuck” and those types of shenanigans simply can’t be avoided – and are expected.)

The episode opened with a bang – as in Sean banging a sledgehammer against a pretty marble wall and destroying an important-looking trophy called the Albert Poland award.

The events leading up to Sean’s destructive redecorating job were revealed afterwards. Apparently, ALL the financial problems from season 6 are gone (I don’t mind, they were a drag anyway) and McNamara/Troy are rolling in cash. Cue the new female designer who Christian is almost-certainly banging. (Obviously, it turned out he was.)

Still, Sean and Christian were mostly glowing after being awarded the prestigious Albert Poland award by the University of Miami.

Before they flew back to accept the prize, they had to deal with patient of the week, Dan Daly. I have to hand it to the show’s writers – they keep digging deeper and deeper and coming up with truly fascinating, scary, freaky, interesting afflictions for their patients.

Dan suffered from a neurological disease (which I have no chance of spelling correctly) that makes him prone to angry outbursts and causes him to mutilate himself. The life expectancy for people with his affliction is 45 (watching this guy, I thought to myself, “That high?!”) and Dan had just turned 46.

Of course, this (and what he saw as a lifetime achievement award) caused Sean to re-evaluate his life, specifically his first meeting with Christian. (“We Belong Together” in the soundtrack was a nice touch.)

This is the part of my recap where I stop and applaud the actors who played the younger versions of Sean and Christian. (ESPECIALLY Andrew J. West as young Christian, who we knew was a douche because he had a popped collar.)

The flashbacks would’ve been amusing on their own, but they actually revealed new information about the characters. Sure, Sean and Christian have referenced their college days repeatedly in the past, and we could all deduce that Sean basically carried Christian through med school, but I was surprised to learn that Christian deliberately sabotaged Sean and kept him from getting into Harvard out of fear of losing him (and his coattails).

The sabotage itself is not surprising, and neither is the fact that Sean ultimately (wimpily?) forgave his friend. I was surprised to realize that Christian’s destructive shenanigans went back THAT far. If you subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life sucks (I personally think he can be a bit of a stick in the mud and I can appreciate that Christian loosens him up), then you could make the case that Christian helped ruin his life. (Though I agree with Christian in that Sean needs to take some responsibility for himself.)

However, I don’t subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life is COMPLETELY horrible. He’s a hot-shot, successful plastic surgeon in L.A. and, for better or worse, (ok, mostly worse) he couldn’t have gotten there without Christian. That symbiotic relationship has been the show’s major theme and, thus far, it’s been impossible for Sean to break.

I mean, even after it was revealed that Christian essentially bought the Albert Poland award, Sean (and I) couldn’t be 100% mad at the guy because he did it for Sean. (He thought the legitimacy of the award might make him feel better about his work.) Although Sean and Christian had a nice, touching scene at the end, it still feels like the two will go their separate ways by the end of the series. I haven’t decided whether that’s what I want to see, but I’m interested to see how the writers handle it either way.

Of course, Christian’s major problem is that his affection for Sean doesn’t extend to anyone else in his life. Apparently, Christian and Kimber are now married, but that didn’t stop Christian from impregnating the decorator. (That vasectomy was WAY overdue.) I thought Kelly Carlson did some strong work towards the end of last season, so I hope she isn’t stuck playing Christian’s fool for very long.

So what’d you think of this episode? How much of Matt and (shudder) Julia are you hoping to see in the final season? Finally, would you like this season to be more serious like this episode or more crazypants, like the last few years?

Heroes: Good Grief

“Heroes” came back this week from its month-long break, and I’m here to report that it’s…still not very good.

If you had told me going in that these two hours would have a 0% Mohinder/Parkman content (well 1% if you count the opening narration), I would’ve been giddy. Despite this happy development, the show’s laughably-bad writing and uninspired storytelling still outweigh the good.

I also wish I knew the show is SO intent on having the audience hate Hiro.

I mean, did Masi Oka not buy the show’s writing staff a nice enough gift after season 1? I guess they didn’t feel having him, literally, act like a child a while back wasn’t embarrassing enough, so they had to make him act like a moron.

It seems a combination of Hiro’s brain tumor and whatever Samuel’s dreadlocked friend did to him have scrambled his brain to the point where he’s regurgitating everything he ever learned from pop culture (more specifically Sherlock Holmes, “Star Wars” and Don Quixote). (Audible sigh) I’m just going to look on the bright side and praise the fact that the writers found a way to reincorporate Ando – he was the only one who could decipher Hiro’s ramblings – since the character hasn’t done a damn thing this year. It turns out that Hiro was trying to convey that they need to break Mohinder out of that mental institution in Florida (why Florida?), but since we saw the trio escaping at the end of last month’s fall finale, this whole exercise felt especially tedious and pointless. Also tedious and pointless? Bringing back Mohinder!

A good portion of the first hour followed yet another of Samuel’s recruiting trips. (He should’ve just recruited her when he made his pitch to Peter and saved gas.) Fortunately, he went to visit a character we’ve already met and who has the potential to play a larger role in the season’s main storyline. (Which NEEDS to get tightened and focused in a hurry.)

Samuel informed Emma that she could not only see sound, but that when she played the cello (that he sent), she could draw other people with abilities to her like a siren’s song. (Since young Molly Walker has apparently been written out of this show, having another character with the ability to locate people is mighty convenient.) Samuel used Emma to recruit a hobo who looked like Ricky Williams when he was REALLY into pot. Fortunately, the hobo cleaned up well and used his Miracle-Gro powers to seemingly build Samuel’s dream homeland for people with abilities.

Except that the show is obsessed with keeping Samuel firmly entrenched in the gray zone. I mean, honestly – would it be so bad if Samuel’s ONLY ambition was to build this homeland for his people? Sure, the character would still be part-villain (since he’s willing to kill for his goal), but at least his goal would be relatively pure.

Instead, we keep getting fed information that suggests Samuel is just a power-hungry tyrant. If that wasn’t enough, it now seems that another one of his goals is to reconnect with Vanessa, the love of his life who was referenced in a flashback sequence that featured his brother Joseph (who was much jerkier as a young boy.)

Anyway, just when Claire had decided that Samuel was a bad guy after some prodding from Lydia (I was pretty impressed by Dawn Olivieri in these two episodes – I hope they use her more), Samuel reveals his homeland valley and she’s back on-board with the carnival crew. So to recap, just when Claire was about to do something, she doesn’t. Which leaves us (the audience) nowhere. Then again, good on Claire for being able to overlook the fact that the Replicating Man (hey, his name is Eli!) spent most of that first hour stalking and terrorizing her under Samuel’s orders.

Then again, maybe the reason I’m annoyed about Samuel being stuck in the gray zone is because that’s basically what ruined Sylar’s character. Let’s be honest here – didn’t we like him more when he was all bad? Did we need to learn his sad back story (over and over and over again)? I LOVED that he showed up at the carnival ready to eat up some powers, but having him be “impotent” seemed like another gratuitous delay solely for storyline purposes. (It's probably bad that I was disappointed when Sylar did NOT kill him, right?)

Then I thought about it some more, and I appreciated the fact that the show was actually exploring what Hiro had told Sylar in the Texas flashback (that he was going to die alone). Unfortunately, I then started thinking about what sad shape “Heroes” is in that I’m actually delightfully impressed when this show displays ANY sort of continuity and I got sad again. Oh well, at least there was some shirtless Sylar for the ladies.

I realize I seem to be doing a lot of complaining (because I am), so here’s something good. I though the show’s transition from the first hour (ending with Claire getting the call about Nathan’s death) to the second (Nathan’s unnecessarily slow-mo funeral and wake) was very well done. I also thought having the flyover during Nathan’s burial was an excellent touch for our favorite flyboy senator. (I’ll even overlook the silliness of having Nathan’s illegitimate daughter make a dramatic entrance, while his ex-wife and kids get the long-distance camera shot treatment – come on, Rena Sofer, make a cameo!)

I’m also still digging Milo Ventimiglia’s Peter Petrelli this season. He basically did everything he could to get himself killed to avoid grieving. Sure, the hostage situation was COMPLETELY silly and very poorly staged, but Ventimiglia and Hayden Panetierre had some nice moments together. It was particularly nice to see the two bring up Claire’s ex-boyfriend West because I thought all characters were under strict orders to pretend like season 2 never happened.

Unfortunately, I don’t see Peter getting over this any time soon. Is anyone else feeling a special appearance by ghost Nathan telling Pete to let him go down the line?

So what’d you think of this episode? Why was there a stool in the Hall of Mirrors? (Think about it.) Will Noah and Lauren be able to find the carnival on their own since Edgar took off? (I’m actually liking them as a team.) Finally, what do you think Sylar’s wants with Claire?

NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks

This basically looks like one big rerun.

Each of the four playoff matchups this weekend are rematches of regular season contests. Three out of those four games took place just last week!

The big difference, of course, is that all the teams involved in this Saturday’s Wild Card weekend playoff games will actually be trying. (Why even show up to the stadium, Arizona?) I’m also a fan of rematches because I’m curious to see whether the team that lost the first time will be vengeful enough to overcome the winning team’s confidence.

With the regular season over (I finished with a decent 152-91 record overall), I’m wiping the slate clean. Let’s jump right into these playoff games, ok?

N.Y. JETS @ BENGALS
This is the first matchup, and it’s the toughest one of the weekend for me to call.

First of all, I actually believe the Bengals were trying to win that Sunday night game in the beginning (despite resting Cedric Benson) – the only problem was that the Jets absolutely dominated them. The Jets are a nightmare of a matchup for the Bengals, who can’t throw the ball downfield (and may be missing Chad Johnson) to open up the running game.

But do I REALLY want to take a rookie QB (a shaky, turnover-prone rookie QB, at that) on the road in his first playoff game? I actually like Sanchez (despite that pathetic wisp of a playoff beard he’s had going on the last few weeks, pictured, left), so I think I do.

PHILADELPHIA @ DALLAS
The Cowboys look great, there’s no way around that fact. You’ve been roped in, haven’t you? Now there’s actually talk of picking up Wade Phillips’ option and maybe giving him an extension. You’re officially sucked in. I feel bad for you.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND
This makes no logical sense (especially with the Patriots losing WR Wes Welker), but I’m just completely out of love with the Ravens. They always seem to underperform and beat themselves when they play anyone who’s any good. Also, don’t the Patriots usually just find a way?

GREEN BAY @ ARIZONA
I’m not falling for you “stumbling into the playoffs before going on a hot streak” act anymore. Nice try, Cardinals.

NFL 2009 Week 17 Picks

Like the Saints and the Vikings, I’m limping into the playoffs.

After nothing but success, I’ve had two losing weeks in a row (7-9 week, 142-85 overall). Unlike the Saints and the Vikings, my picks record doesn’t really mean anything, so if I don’t get myself straightened out the worse that’ll happen is I’ll get mocked online. (On the other hand, if the Vikings don’t get straightened out, they could become the third consecutive franchise to get temporarily blown up by Brett Favre. Also, if the Saints don’t get straightened out, they’re letting down an entire city.)

No pressure.

INDIANAPOLIS @ BUFFALO
If Jim Caldwell wanted to rest his players, that’s fine. Announce that you’re starting them and pulling them at halftime. However, making everyone (including his starters – did you see how annoyed some of the Colts looked on the sideline?) think he was going to play to win, only to pull the rug out from under everybody is bad karma. Yes, the Colts were 14-0 and had earned the right to do whatever the hell they wanted. Still, intentionally throwing away a close game with playoff implications is poopy. I hope the Jets get into the playoffs and beat the Colts in the second round!

JACKSONVILLE @ CLEVELAND
Does anyone know why the Browns decided they wanted to try and save Eric Mangini’s job with four weeks to play? Anybody?!

SAN FRANCISCO @ ST. LOUIS
Remember how I bashed the Colts for throwing a game away that had playoff implications? Well, that doesn’t really apply here. I’m not saying the Rams should TRY to lose – I’m saying that a loss here means they win the Ndamukong Suh (pictured, right) sweepstakes, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.

PITTSBURGH @ MIAMI
I know Pittsburgh needs a LOT of help to get into the playoffs, but I’m getting a Jason Vorhees vibe from this team – they will NOT die!

N.Y. GIANTS @ MINNESOTA
Dome sweet dome.

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY
I’ll believe that Bill Cowher and his chin are coming to Tampa when I see it. Also, don’t look now, but the Bucs have noticeably improved in the past month or so. I wonder how good of a job Raheem Morris could do if he got good players in here.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA
Matt Moore, the quarterback of the future for the Panthers? Why the hell not?

NEW ENGLAND @ HOUSTON
I know New England has nothing to play for and will likely rest their starters, but one of Newton’s Laws of Physics is that the Texans HAVE to finish 8-8, right? (In a related story, they’re 8-7 right now.)

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
I think the Bears will have a second consecutive strong showing that will be just enough to save Lovie Smith’s job. (Insert groan from Bears fans.)

BALTIMORE @ OAKLAND
I know the Raiders are frisky, but Baltimore simply CAN’T blow this fantastic chance to get into the postseason – can they?

GREEN BAY @ ARIZONA
These two potential first-round opponents won’t (and shouldn’t) show their opponent too much. By the way, watch out for Arizona.

WASHINGTON @ SAN DIEGO
After two consecutive stink bombs, I vote that we banish Washington from prime time for the next two seasons. No? Ok, how about just Jason Campbell?

TENNESSEE @ SEATTLE
Seattle is so bad that I’d be surprised if Chris Johnson did NOT rush for 234 yards and breaks the single-season record.

PHILADELPHIA @ DALLAS
Don’t you see what they’re doing, Cowboys fans? They’re roping you in for another playoff choke job. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

KANSAS CITY @ DENVER
I think scholars will be debating for years to come whether the Broncos 2009 season was successful. They appeared to meltdown before a single game was played, but started 6-0 before getting to where they are now – on the verge of missing the playoffs. Oy, my head hurts – I’ll let you figure this one out.

CINCINNATI @ N.Y. JETS
I just have a bad feeling about this one. Sorry, Jets fans.

Brothers Review

I’m pretty sure there was a period of time years ago when I (and you) thought Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal were the same person.

(It’s called the Bill Paxton/Bill Pullman phenomenon and it refers to two celebs who only vaguely look like each other, but get confused for one another all the time for no good reason.)

So I suppose it makes sense that Maguire and Gyllenhaal finally ended up playing siblings in “Brothers”, director Jim Sheridan’s remake of a 2004 Danish drama of the same name.

Maguire plays Capt. Sam Cahill, a Marine with a wife named Grace (Natalie Portman) and two daughters (the excellent Bailee Madison and Taylor Geare) who is about to embark on his fourth tour of duty in Afghanistan. Gyllenhaal plays Tommy Cahill, Sam’s irresponsible brother who just got out of jail.

When Sam’s helicopter is shot down overseas and he is presumed dead, Tommy gradually steps up to help Grace and the two eventually become, um, closer.

I don’t think it’s a major spoiler to say that Sam survives the crash and is captured and imprisoned by the Taliban before eventually being rescued.

Sheridan (“In America”) takes his sweet time in telling his story. This works better for the first half of the flick — when we’re still getting to know the characters and watching their relationships develop (particularly Tommy and Grace’s) — than it does for the final portion. In fact, it appears that Sheridan took so much time in the beginning, that the movie’s final act feels hurried and unsatisfying.

That’s too bad, because Tobey Maguire is kind of excellent in this movie. I’ve always thought he was a decent-to-good actor, but I didn’t really think he had THIS in him.

Right from the very beginning, you can tell Sam doesn’t feel as comfortable at home with his family (even as he playfully wrestles with his daughters) as he is doing his job. Maguire also plays Sam’s initial resolve and harrowing breakdown during his imprisonment equally well. By the time he comes back to the States, Maguire makes him look like a thoroughly disconnected ghost.

Meanwhile, Natalie Portman always looks too young for the role she’s playing. Fortunately, that quality serves her well here, since Grace is understandably overwhelmed by the news of her husband’s death. Though the film is called “Brothers”, I actually would’ve liked to have seen a stronger focus on Grace, since she ends up being the siblings’ focal point. However, the story is more equally divided between Sam and Tommy.

Gyllenhaal is fine as Tommy. I would’ve preferred the character to have been more dark and disturbed than what we got. The way Gyllenhaal played him he was simply a lazy, irresponsible jackass with Jake Gyllenhaal’s puppy dog eyes. I get that the character was supposed to have a good heart, but I would’ve liked to have seen an element of danger from Tommy.

Though the acting is strong overall (including the best child performance I’ve seen this year by Madison and another nice, cranky turn by Sam Shepard) the movie ends up being somewhat sabotaged by a rushed finale. (Sam catches on to Grace and Tommy’s connection almost instantly and things quickly spiral out of control.)

Oh well, at least now we have definitive proof that Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal are two different people.

Brothers…B

Ninja Assassin Review

It’s kind of a shame that a great title like “There Will Be Blood” was wasted on a film about an oilman.

Not only could it be used as a substitute for any of the 27 “Saw” movies, but it would also perfectly describe “Ninja Assassin”, the latest production from the Wachowski Brothers (“The Matrix”).

Then again, “Ninja Assassin” is a pretty damn concise title in its own right.

In case you couldn’t guess (or you thought the title was ironic), the movie follows Raizo (played by Korean pop star Rain), a – wait for it – ninja assassin who trained how to be a killer from a very early age until he and the rest of his clan had a disagreement.

Eventually, Raizo teams up with pretty (of course she’s pretty, this is a movie) Europol agent Mika (Naomie Harris), who uncovers the idea that real-live ninjas have been performing political assassinations for years and becomes a target.

Personally, I thought that would’ve been an interesting angle for the movie to explore. However, director James McTeigue (“V for Vendetta”) and co-writers Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski had other ideas.

Maybe it’s because I saw this movie at around 10:40 a.m. (it was probably too early in the morning for me to see people’s heads exploding and arms and legs being sliced off), but I was taken aback at first by the insane ultraviolence in this movie. (Another contributing factor was probably the relatively low-key ad campaign for this movie – then again, what did I expect walking into a movie called “Ninja Assassin”?!)

I’m no prude, and I eventually settled into the movie’s crazed rhythm. I just wish that if the movie were going to go SO gleefully over-the-top with the violence, it would extend that sense of playfulness to other parts of the flick.

Instead, what we get is a fairly humorless and (even worse) standard tale about a lone martial arts warrior who survived excruciating training (told through one or two too many flashbacks), loses a woman he loves and vows revenge. I’m not saying the tone had to be “Kung Fu Hustle” goofy, but the non-action scenes could’ve definitely used some sense of playfulness.

It’s a shame too because I got the feeling Rain could’ve been a completely magnetic lead if given the chance. He certainly looked the part physically, but I would’ve liked to have seen a little more of the star’s charisma shine through. Instead, Harris probably gives the movie’s most appealing performance, while Sho Kosugi is scary and completely badass as the cruel leader of the ninja assassin clan.

Of course, the real star of the movie is the action sequences. The massacre that opens the movie will grab your attention, to say the least. I actually enjoyed the more subtle effect of having the ninjas appear and disappear through the shadows.

In the end, “Ninja Assassin” probably accomplished what it set out to do — that would be entertaining audiences with its impressive, over-the-top action sequences.

I just wish the movie would’ve had a little more fun doing it.

Ninja Assassin…C+

NFL 2009 Week 16 Picks

I interrupt this Christmas break for some NFL quick picks.

(Yes, I know I missed out on Friday night's Titans/Chargers game, but if it makes you feel any better, I was gonna pick the Titans, so I'm off to an 0-1 start this week.)

Last time, I had my first losing week of the year (7-9 week, 135-76 overall). The (predicted) winners for week 16 are in bold.

BUFFALO @ ATLANTA
KANSAS CITY @ CINCINNATI
OAKLAND @ CLEVELAND
I'm surprised that I'm actually still alive to do these pics - last Sunday, I watched Jerome Harrison rack up 67 points on my bench as I lost my opening-round playoff game in my fantasy football money league. Fortunately, I got talked off the ledge.
SEATTLE @ GREEN BAY
I had NO idea how bad Seattle was until I saw them get demolished by the Bucs last week.
BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH
HOUSTON @ MIAMI
JACKSONVILLE @ NEW ENGLAND
TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
CAROLINA @ N.Y. GIANTS
DETROIT @ SAN FRANCISCO
ST. LOUIS @ ARIZONA
N.Y. JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS
DENVER @ PHILADELPHIA
DALLAS @ WASHINGTON
MINNESOTA @ CHICAGO

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Do No Harm

For a show that’s had both feet firmly planted in the highly-stylized, “Screw logic! We’re gonna be as crazy as we can and have fun doing it” camp for the last couple of seasons, the latest season finale of “Nip/Tuck” was a real downer.

I mean, even the obligatory sex scene — a pregnant Kimber seducing Dr. Mike in hopes of tricking him into thinking he knocked her up — was more sad and desperate than it was hot. (Although Mike instantly diagnosing that she was pregnant was funny.)

Now, I’ve actually been ok with the show’s foray into ridiculousness — it’s not like “Nip/Tuck” is pretending to be all classy like “Mad Men” and I dig the unpredictability and, yes, the joyful depravity of the more outlandish episodes.

Still, “Wesley Clovis” was probably the closest this show has come to being a serious drama since its season 2 heyday. I realize the previous sentence should be unquantifiable praise, but I mostly felt like I was thrown for a loop.

I mentioned Kimber before, and I have to go back there again because Kelly Carlson has been kind of excellent the last couple of weeks.

Kimber notified Christian that he was pregnant, but Christian – having apparently taken too many of his asshole pills earlier in the day – told her to get rid of “it” if she wanted to be with him. After Plan B (Mike) didn’t work out, Kimber did what Kimber always ends up doing – she made a major sacrifice in order to satisfy Christian.

One of the episode’s unexpected treats was the scene between Kimber and Liz, the only person Kimber could think of to drive her home after her abortion. Earlier in the episode, Liz had surmised that Kimber getting pregnant was a way for her to keep Christian around. However, watching the two women bond over their “hate that I love him” relationship with Christian was touching. THIS is a good use of Liz, as opposed to the scorned, spiteful ex-wife from earlier this season.

It would’ve been nice if Christian’s character had SOME shading in this episode. Despite his actions and the fact that Kimber has said that she doesn’t believe Christian has a heart, I think we can all agree that the show has gone out of its way to show us that Christian, no matter how misguided and selfish he is, is NOT 100% evil. That’s why it was so disappointing to see him behave so horribly toward Kimber.

Maybe we can chalk it up to the fact that he was concerned about Matt’s life.

Sean and Christian were presented with an enticing offer: if they performed liposuction on a death room inmate accused of rape and murder to make him fit for execution, Matt would be let go. (Good negotiating skills, Christian!) Christian jumped at the chance, but Sean wasn’t interested in contributing to the death of a human being.

This was confusing for a couple of reasons. 1.) When Matt was a fugitive, Sean was the one who didn’t want to turn Matt into the police, while Christian was the one who thought jail would do him well. I can understand Christian’s change of heart, given that he knows how Matt has been terrorized in jail, but it was confusing to see Sean act this way. 2.) I’ve seen every last episode of this show (and I have them all on DVD) – let’s just say Sean has done WAY worse things from an ethical standpoint than helping the state execute an inmate.

Speaking of which, I would’ve appreciated if the simpleminded Wesley Clovis (played in a nice dramatic turn by the great Eric Stonestreet of “Modern Family”) hadn’t been so obviously innocent. The simpleminded inmate being executed gave off a whiff of “The Green Mile”, while the “my cellmate confessed to REALLY committing the crime” reeked of “The Shawshank Redemption.” (I guess the writers were reading some Stephen King in their Book of the Month club.)

Anyway, the guys eventually agreed to the surgery, and Matt was free to go. Matt chose his freedom even though it meant that an innocent man was being executed. I know we were meant to be surprised by Matt’s choice to let a man die so he can go free, but why? Matt’s pretty much always been a loser scumbag – now he’s got an evil streak just like his (biological) daddy. The warden was right – Matt’s not exactly rehabilitated.

That led to the heartbreaking execution scene (very well played by Stonestreet, Dylan Walsh and Julian McMahon), which came before an even better scene.

Previous “Nip/Tuck” cliffhangers have had Christian in the hands of the Carver, and Sean bleeding to death after being attacked. That’s why I appreciated the subtlety of all the main characters (and the kids who are only dragged out to let us know the writers haven’t forgotten that these people are supposed to have kids) coming together and eating Chinese food at the end.

Everything looked all right on the surface (kind of the theme of the show), but we all knew the horrors they were each masking.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you surprised to hear almost no mention of the practice’s financial troubles? Would you have told the truth if you were Matt? Finally, were you hoping for/expecting a more outlandish finale?