Dancing with the Stars: Three to Tango

With last week’s double elimination of Melissa Joan Hart and Louie Vito, our remaining celebrities each have a realistic chance of making it to the finals.

And Michael Irvin is here too.

Let’s get right to Monday night’s couples (in order of appearance), the Team Paso/Team Tango faceoff, and costume design.

Michael Irvin & Anna D: My mean joke in the intro notwithstanding, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed Michael’s time on this show (as opposed to how much I hated him as a player and as an NFL analyst). His fox trot was charming, well-danced and contained the most content out of any of his routines, but I still feel like he could do more. For reasons known only to her, Anna once again refused to go all-out and challenge Michael to become a REAL threat to win this thing. I’m thinking her choreography skills are simply as bland as her personality. Fortunately for her, I have a sneaky feeling Michael’s fans will push him to next week. (You watch - Michael will make it to next week, and THEN everyone will say things like, “He had a good run, but it’s time for him to go.)

Donny Osmond & Kym: Why is the show trying to kill Donny Osmond? (Or at least make him faint like his sister.) Last week he had to deal with a lightning fast jitterbug and a marathon mambo. This week he was back at it with the quickstep. After a brief session with the posture bar — I actually thought Kym was going to bring a person in when she said, “I’ll be right back” — Donny performed a nice, light, mistake-filled quickstep. Samantha ribbed Donny for pointing out miscues the judges (apparently) didn’t notice, but I saw them all (and I’m sure the judges did too). At least Donny’s brand of perfectionism is kind of charming. (As opposed to Kelly’s cry-y brand of perfectionism which is becoming increasingly off-putting.)

Mark Dacascos & Anna T.: This is the space where I usually write “Mark Dacascos & Lacey”, but Lacey was out with the flu. (Derek and Lacey sitting in a tree…) Tony Dovolani (who appeared to do more harm than good) filled in briefly while Mark was in New York before Anna Trebunskaya stepped in as Mark’s replacement for the week. I’m not sure if what we saw was Lacey’s concept for the samba or Anna’s, but what I DO now is that it was pretty disastrous. (You KNOW it’s bad when they cut to Chuck Lidell looking like he feels really bad for you.) I wish Mark realized that he’s not REQUIRED to do martial arts every week just because he can. He could be in big trouble on Tuesday.

Mya & Dmitry: I thought their fox trot was absolutely terrific. I get (and appreciate) that Len has his reasons for not joining the fawning chorus for Mya (mostly sky-high expectations), but last night he was just a dick. Not only was it ridiculous for him to give this dance a lower score than Kelly’s salsa (more on that in a bit), but the comment about how he was sure Carrie Ann and Bruno would love it was thoroughly condescending. It turned out to be true, but it was still VERY condescending, as if he were saying “I’m sure these two simpletons liked it.” Also, Cloris Leachman should be brought in as a mentor at least once a month. That is all.

Aaron Carter & Karina: I’m not sure how they did it, but this couple has COMPLETELY won me over. Actually, I know exactly how they did it – Aaron stopped giving off that “I’m Aaron Carter and you should be impressed because of that” vibe and got down to the business of kicking ass on this show. And let’s face it – we like it when our celebs care a little too much (but not a LOT too much, like Kelly). Like Len, I wasn’t sure his jive was a 10, but I would’ve given it to him anyway since it was my favorite dance of the night (those side by side kicks were furious). Hopefully all this recent success won’t turn him into the old Aaron Carter.

Kelly Osbourne & Louie: (Sigh) At least Kelly gets credit for being the one celeb to REALLY take advantage of the whole “We’re designing the pros’ costumes” gimmick. After yet another emotional meltdown in rehearsal (Louis committed the unspeakable crime of demanding she step her game up), I simply didn’t care for the salsa. The music was wrong and the dancing was off and too slow at parts. What’s worse, I now find myself glad when Kelly manages to get through a dance without having a pained expression on her face rather than because I enjoyed the dance. There’s still hope for her if she survives this week’s elimination, but I am NOT enjoying the Kelly Osbourne experience right now.

Joanna Krupa & Derek: Remember how Aaron won me over by caring a little too much about all this? Well, Joanna was the first person to do that this season. Although her rumba lacked hip action, I thought it was excellent except for her very visible stumble (she’s really gotta clean those little stumbles up). All that being said, I still feel like the reason she’ll be in the finals is because people are voting for Derek, who starred in his own short film about his obsession with his partner and her ridiculous swimsuit during rehearsals. (***SPOILER ALERT *** It turned out he wasn’t really into Joanna – he was into Derek. Like most of America.)

Team Paso: More like Team Drama. After a fog machine-assisted entrance, we got to watch the pros in this group (especially Lacey and Karina) bicker about the routine as the celebs sheepishly stood to th eside. (Maybe Lacey got “sick” of working with Karina.) I particularly enjoyed the disdain in Karina’s voice when she suggested Mya go last because she’s “Ms. Perfect.” Eventually, Michael Irvin became convinced he was in a sports movie and did a fantastic job of pulling everyone together. The four couples did a considerably less fantastic job of performing together, which is understandable given how hard it is to stay in synch. Other than Aaron’s obvious discomfort, the solos were pretty good. I was particularly impressed by Michael (yes, Michael!) and Mark, who bounced back nicely.

Team Tango: Still, Team Tango took this competition by a clear margin. It all felt a little predetermined. They had the easier dance to synchronize and they had less people (and less egos) to worry about (three couples, instead of four). All that being said, they absolutely delivered, although I could still FEEL Kelly giggling as she felt up Donny Osmond’s leg. Very nice job out of Team Tango.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you have even noticed that the costumes were a little different if they hadn’t said anything? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (I think Kelly will be voted out, and I believe Mark will defeat Michael in a dance off.)