Hell's Kitchen: Anger Management

It took five seasons, but the show has finally openly acknowledged what most of us already knew: these alleged “chefs” are really just a bunch of clowns.

I don’t know about you, but I was getting an amusement park vibe even before the new, carnival-themed (hilariously awful) opening credits for season six debuted. As the new chefs moved from one helpful flat-screen TV giving them really basic advice to another, I got a flashback to waiting in line for the “Back to the Future” ride at Universal Studios.

After that, the 16 contestants entered “Hell’s Kitchen” and we were treated to a two-hour, supersize premiere event of what Fox promises will be the “most shocking” season ever. I don’t know about “most shocking”, but this season definitely has a leg up in being the “most loudest” season ever.

Even though we had two hours to get to know these fools, I still don’t feel like I know most of the chefs well enough to really do a well-informed recap. So I’m going to give you my ridiculously early snap judgments instead. I’m also going to split the contestants into categories ranging from those who could actually win this thing to the poor souls who have no chance.

(Since, I don’t run from my embarrassments [there are too many of them] let me be the first to noate that I initially listed eventual winner Danny under the “No Chance to Win” category. That just goes to prove the old saying is true — you can’t judge a chef by his redneck-y cover. It also goes to prove that I have no idea what I’m talking about.)

Enough talk. Let’s jump into two hours of “Hell” that featured two eliminations, one return, and countless references to a shrimp’s nutsack.

COULD ACTUALLY WIN THIS THING

Kevin: Though not a grammar whiz (“I’ve won every culinary award you could do”) he seems very competent and willing to jump in when a teammate is in trouble (he did this in both dinner services last night). However, is he being helpful or too bossy? I also like the fact that he looks like a mini version of Chef Scott.

Jim: Impressed Ramsay with his Ahi tuna during the signature dish challenge and appears to have an appealing, low-key sense of humor. He also seems pretty even-keeled, though that demeanor will be put to the test when Ramsay inevitably gets in his face. His biggest mistake was not taking off his jacket when he first entered “Hell.”

Ariel: Even though she was the first person to speak, I don’t really remember too much about her (other than a passing resemblance to Maya Rudolph). Then again, that means she didn’t screw up noticeably during either dinner service and flying under the radar certainly has its advantages.

Tek: It’s entirely possible that I’m placing her here because she reminds me of the VERY capable Ji from last season (who had to bow out because of an ankle injury). However, the show did something it almost never does during her introduction — it portrayed the currently unemployed chef as a somewhat sympathetic figure. Although she, Lovely and Melinda would still be working on that appetizer if Ramsay hadn’t shut the kitchen down, I think she’s definitely a person to keep an eye on.

Robert: I struggled about placing him here, but the same question keeps popping up in my head— why bring Robert back? As my astute girlfriend pointed out, he looks just as HUGE (if not fatter) than he did last season, so it’s not like he’s any healthier. He was somewhat talented, but I wouldn’t call him amazing. To me he was more memorable for his mildly ignorant soundbites — and for being fat. If they were going to bring someone back, I would’ve much rather seen Ji or season three’s Julia. Ramsay obviously didn’t bring him back to send him home any time soon, so he’ll be around a while. The longer he stays, the better chance he has of winning, so I’m placing him as the long shot among the favorites.

PROBABLY CAN’T WIN

Amanda: Probably my favorite from this category. She narrowly escaped elimination during the first service after she mistakenly put the salmon in the freezer instead of the fridge, inspiring Ramsay to liken it to a “bison penis” (Fear Factor flashback!) The salmon thing seemed more like an honest mental mistake than a sign of complete incompetence. However, I can’t place someone who takes 45 minutes to cook a signature dish, and that dish is a margarita French toast (weak!), as one of the favorites to win.

Dave: With his backwards cap and aw shucks demeanor, this young chef reminds me of Danny. (And of Jack White.) Unfortunately, I don’t see the show crowning two Danny’s in a row, especially when Danny 2.0 can’t cook brussel sprouts.

Tennille: Was very strong in the first dinner service, but completely choked during the second hour when she had to work with shrimp. She couldn’t clean it and she couldn’t prepare table side scampi, resulting in a disastrous hour. Still, I’m pulling for her because she seems to have good sense of humor. (My favorite line of the night was when she told Suzanne, “So you can clean shrimp. You’re not even a good person.” Nice comeback.) I think she’ll be fine (as long as they don’t work with shrimp again). I’m also not buying the hype that she’s out to intentionally murder pregnant women. If this doesn’t work out, she knows that she has a backup career as a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator.

Suzanne: Strong presence in the kitchen - too bad that she's coming off as a major bitch, which will inevitably cause friction with her teammates. Or, as Tennille would say, she's "not even a good person."

Andy: Not much of an impression (even less so than Ariel). The main thing I remember was Andy thinking it was a good idea to cut an undercooked chicken up and serve it as nuggets. Ramsay was not amused.

Joseph: Yes, I’m putting the possibly (PROBABLY) psychotic former military chef here. Sure, he hates eating with his hands and leisurely lunches (he stopped just short of saying “I’m not here to make friends” during the men’s second reward). And it’s entirely possible that he’ll be kicked out at the start of next week’s episode after his cliffhanger-y face off with Ramsay in the second hour. However, he’s shown some culinary skills and I’m thinking Ramsay might play the “I see a little bit of my younger self in you” card with him. Still, it’s though to imagine he’ll chill out (or that the producers WANT him to chill out) any time soon.

NO CHANCE

Tony: The inexperienced chef got WAY too excited when Ramsay told him he “had potential” during the signature dish challenge, and he proceeded to bomb on the fish station during the second hour. He’ll be around a few more weeks thank to his “flair”, funny sound bites and the fact that Ramsay probably wants someone really small to bully.

Lovely: She sucks. During the two hours last night, she didn’t show that she could cook anything. Instead she showed that she was really lazy, abandoning her teammates for 45 minutes during the first dinner service. Other than that, I like her.

Van: Sorry, but I’m once again judging a chef by his redneck-y cover. I know the show wants to play up the “more than meets the eye” angle, but Van seems way too roid rage-y to survive this process. I mean, who almost gets into a physical fight with (my boy) Jean-Philippe? I’m also pretty sure he told Jim to “*bleep* his *bleep*” during the second hour.

Sabrina: Not nearly as hot as she thinks she is with her cooking or with her physical appearance. I mean, really, Sabrina?!

Melinda: Obviously she doesn’t have a chance to win because she was eliminated at the end of the first hour for wasting half of the pasta in Italy. Still, she made quite an impression. I’ll miss her misguided attempts to seduce Chef Ramsay and her dramatic prairie dog impersonation in the kitchen.

Louie: I would’ve put him in this category even if Ramsay hadn’t kicked him out in the middle of the first service. Even if you don’t count the sexism (“women belong in the kitchen doing dishes”? SERIOUSLY?!), he was a deadly combination of hotheadedness, delusion and lack of fine dining skills. Unless you consider his heart-attack on a plate signature dish of sausage with biscuit ON a biscuit “fine dining.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Which past contestant (not counting Robert) were you happiest to see — Bonnie, Coe-lleen, Aaron or Heather? (Did Heather already run the restaurant she “won” as the season two champ into the ground?) Who’s going to snap first — Joseph or Van? (I think Joseph has a slight advantage in this race). Who do you hope gets the grand prize, the head chef position at British Columbia's Araxi Restaurant. (Sorry, Canada.) Finally, will either team actually get through a dinner service next week?

What John Thinks...of "Ally McBeal" coming to DVD

"Yay!" That’s what I think.

The news that "Ally McBeal" is FINALLY getting a proper (i.e. legal) release in the United States is so cool and exciting that I don’t even mind the sideways, judge-y looks you’re giving me right now.

Is David E. Kelley’s ode to dancing babies, neck wattle and knee pits the best show ever produced? Of course not. In fact, it was often downright bad during the second half of its run - except of course for the part where Robert Downey Jr. showed up in season 4 and delivered the best performance of his career. (Yeah I said it! He was so good that I was genuinely pissed off at him for getting fired due to his drug problems after his one year on the show.)

Still, this show was pretty much superproducer Kelley near the height of his creative (and kooky) powers. As a result, I’m looking forward to revisiting the great, musical-fantasy-loving characters (right in my wheelhouse), and all the ridiculously-talented regular and guest performers who stopped by the show during its five-season run.

I’m guessing whatever music licensing issues were responsible for holding up the "Ally McBeal" DVD release in the U.S. were somehow resolved. Now if we could only do the same for "The Wonder Years" and get THAT show on DVD. (I’d also like ALL the episodes to "The Larry Sanders Show" please.)

So what’s your favorite "Ally McBeal" moment? I’ll go first: any and everything involving Peter MacNicol’s brilliant John "The Biscuit" Cage. (Ok, I REALLY like this one.)

Project Runway Rundown: Dipstick Jungle

After a few false starts, I'm finally digging the new season of "Project Runway" after the second consecutive entertaining episode.

It was so good, that I'm willing to overlook the way the judges completely botched almost every single decision they made last night.

I'm looking past that because last night was educational. We learned it's not a good idea to piss off a black woman (at least Suede and Joe did) and that the show will always favor a big personality over a deserving designer. Oh wait, we already knew both those things.

The episode didn't get off to a promising start with Blayne bringing back –licious (Team Dramalicious) following a much appreciated one-week hiatus. Soon, the designers learned this week's challenge would be to design an outfit for a high-powered woman, leading to some more spectacularly wrong guesses (though a Hilary Clinton episode would be a sight to behold).

I'm not quite sure why they tried to make the appearance of this week's guest judge — Brooke Shields (pictured, left, with Nina Garcia) — a surprise, since anyone who's had a TV tuned to Bravo in the past week knew it would be her.

The designers would be creating an outfit for her character — Wendy Somethingorother (I don't care) — to wear on Shields' show, "Lipstick Jungle". If Bravo was going to pimp another NBC show, couldn't they have picked a good one. And what's with Tim Gunn repeatedly emphasizing the magnitude of this week's prize (having one of their looks worn on TV)? Did I miss something? Aren't all of these peoples' looks shown on TV every week already?

Anyway, Tim also announced that this would be a two-person team challenge about 20 seconds after I turned to my girl Erica and said "you know, they haven't had any team challenges this year?" The 12 designers presented their sketches to Brooke, who seemed kind and knowledgeable and mostly did a good job of hiding her disgust toward Blayne's and Stella's designs. Shields picked six designers who would serve as team captains/scapegoats (if their team performed poorly).

The teams were Keith and Kenley, Blayne and Leann, Korto and Joe, Terri and Suede, Kelli and Daniel, and Jerrell and Stella. In the least surprising development of the evening Stella was picked last (or not picked at all, technically). I'm also convinced the producers nudged Shields to select Blayne as a captain to stir things up and you can't change my mind.

Surprisingly, Jerrell (showing a bit of maturity and humility this week ) and Stella were the only drama-free duo.

Daniel wasn't thrilled to be working on Kelli's cheetah-licious (damn you, Blayne!!!) outfit because it wasn't "high-fashion" enough. Meanwhile, Korto got a nice view from under the bus after Joe agreed with Tim Gunn's "giant sweet potato" assessment of her jacket, but never bothered to tell her his feelings.

Terri and Suede had the most entertaining exchange of the day after Suede seemingly botched the couple's top. Suede seemed legitimately terrified of Terri who wondered if he was "packing balls or a vajayjay" (we're all wondering that) and said she wouldn't work with any babies. Actually, what she really said was "ain't nobody sucking on my titties", but I'm still a little shocked she actually said that. Awesome!

Keith and Kenley didn't even wait to get to the workroom to fight as they clashed over fabric at Mood (Tim Gunn stepped in and helped them before they incorporated a truly hideous-looking piece of fabric). At first I thought Kenley was coming off as kind of a bitch (especially when she was talking about her lack of faith in Keith's work behind his back). However, when she expressed those concerns to him in person, I realized she just has a strong personality and is really opinionated. (I hate when people talk trash behind someone's back and then smile in their face). Most importantly, she earned MAJOR brownie points when she openly laughed at Daniel after he claimed (once again) that his taste was impeccable. This guy is giving Blayne a major run for the title of "biggest space cadet."

The judges selected Keith/Kenley and Jerrell/Stella as their top two, while putting Kelli/Daniel, Blayne/Leann in the bottom two. Personally, I would've substituted Korto's outfit (looking more fitted and a lot less like a sweet potato) for Keith and Kenley's, but it was close.

What wasn't close, in my opinion, was that Jerrell and Stella deserved to win. Shields didn't seemed too thrilled with the zebra belt (which could easily come off), but the rest of the judges swooned over Jerrella's outfits, which seemed like a true collaboration between the two. Oh well. I can't really blame Shields for picking the prettier (and slightly more conventional) design by Keith, who looked completely stressed out this week after working with Kenley and looked like he needed the prize.

Meanwhile, Keith's workout buddy Daniel inexplicably skated elimination. He had botched the skirt and embarrassed himself in front of the judges with his "my taste is impeccable" bit, but didn't even land in the bottom two.

When it came down to Kelli and Blayne, there was no doubt in my mind Kelli was going home. Nevermind the fact that she won the first challenge and hadn't been anywhere near the bottom since and that Blayne has been in the bottom TWO twice and hasn't really designed anything that's any good (including this week's WAY too casual shorts outfit). Either Blayne or (especially) Daniel should've gotten the boot.

Oh well, I present Kelli with the "Allison Kelly" award for "Project Runway" contestant sent home WAY before their time in favor of a loonier personality (Kit Pistol won last year).

So what'd you think of this episode? Why is the winner of the "Allison Kelly" award always a blonde white girl? Is there anyone more boring than Leann? Who's weirder Blayne or Daniel? Did the judges get ANYTHING right last night? Finally, how excited are you about the return of Chris March next week? (Me? VERY)

Random Thought of the Moment: Aficionado Edition

As a huge fan of the completely random, I thought I'd write a few words about a trend I've noticed lately. Of course, by "lately", I mean the last week and by "trend", I mean something that happened twice.

I was delighted when actress/comedienne Sandra Bernhard was a guest judge on "Project Runway" this week and was given the title "New York nightlife aficionado." (I mean, is "fan of the New York City nightlife" something you'd actually put on a resume?)

I figured that would be my favorite dubious title of the week until last night, when I was watching HGTV's Summer Showdown, and one of the guest judges was "Little Man" auteur and, yep, "design aficionado" Keenan Ivory Wayans. I mean, who knew that, in between directing terrible movies starring his brothers, Wayans had such an affinity for "design." Former Daily Show correspondent Beth Littleford was a guest judge along with Wayans, but I guess her love of "design" isn't strong enough for her to be labeled an "aficionado."

So what's your favorite dubious title? I'm still a fan of "Charity and campaign worker Heather Mills on "Dancing with the Stars" (I guess, "Golddigger" or "amputee" would've been too direct) Finally, what are YOU an aficionado of? (All I know is that if anyone ever holds a "Carrot cake baking" competition, I'm there as the token "carrot cake aficionado.")

Lost: Sayid Sells His Soul

I just finished watching "The Economist" a little over an hour ago and all I can say is — wow!

After a slight (but necessary) misstep last week, "Lost" was back in top form on Valentine's Day, as the newer characters were incorporated seamlessly, the relationship between older characters deepened further, and, oh yeah, our minds were blown.

One of the things I'm liking about this season is trying to figure out whether the off-Island bits are flashbacks or flashforwards. It didn't take long to figure out we were watching Sayid's post-Island life (seemingly with a healthy settlement and plenty of time to play golf) when he alluded to being one of the Oceanic six. Of course, what we probably didn't see coming was Sayid pulling out the gun and killing his mildly pushing European playing partner.

I couldn't wait to find out what had made our usually compassionate Sayid (who was praying in the episode's first shot and compassionately closed Naomi's dead eyes) turn into a cold-blooded (but totally pimp) man of mystery.

Sayid convinced Jack to let him and Miles find Locke and convince him to let Charlotte go in exchange for a helicopter ride off the Island. (Numbers alert! The number on the chopper was N842FM)

In one of those nice, nuanced scenes I referred to earlier, Jack convinced Kate to join Sayid and Miles because he figured that Sawyer wouldn't let Locke do anything bad to Kate. I liked everything about this scene, which opened with Jack making light of Kate's propensity for getting in trouble ("what should I do? Wait 20 minutes and go anyway?"), and closed with Jack not so subtly letting Kate know that he believes she and Sawyer are a thing.

This was later followed by an equally good scene in which Sawyer explained his reasons for wanting to stay on the Island (jail time is probably waiting for both of them — though not for Kate as we saw at the end of last year) and seemed to convince to stay on the Island and play house for a bit. Given his usually gruff exterior, it was a little jarring, but very touching to see Sawyer so vulnerable. I'm now officially afraid something terrible will happen to him.

The way Kate and Sawyer got to be face-to-face was after Hurley tricked Sayid's party into thinking Locke had left him behind for having second thoughts.

Speaking of Hurley, he had two of my three favorite lines of the night. I liked him saying "Awesome, the ship sent another Sawyer," after Miles called him "tubby", and I loved the way he was standing a safe distance away from Sayid saying "I saw you snap that guy's neck with that breakdancing thing you do with your neck — I'm good back here." Miles had my third favorite lines of the night, explaining why he was sorry that Naomi was dead ("She was hot, and I dug her accent"). As Frank said, this guy really IS a pain in the ass.

I fell for Hurley's ruse because I'm not very smart and because Locke appeared to be losing a bit of control after not being able to locate Jacob's cabin. Of course, the battered Ben — seriously, Michael Emerson has spent 60 percent of his time on this show with some sort of facial abrasion makeup — was loving this, mocking him by saying "he's waiting for someone to tell him what to do next.")

The setup at Ben's house wasn't a complete waste, as Sayid discovered a room full of Ben's passports and currency from different countries. After he was captured, I like that Ben and Sayid were placed in the same cell (like when we first met Ben). Eventually, Sayid revealed that he was there to trade Miles for Charlotte (explaining why he didn't have any problem with Miles' characteristically forceful demand that he was coming). I know that Miles is an ass, but trading him isn't really right (as Frank pointed out, it's kinda cheating).

More importantly, I thought it may have been the beginning of Sayid selling his soul (which he mentioned he would do the day he started trusting Ben).

I became convinced this is what had happened as we watched him coldly (and pimply) navigate the streets of Berlin and seduce a woman named Elsa to get close to her boss.

Naveen Andrews displayed an extraordinary amount of star power in this episode, and this episode was a terrific showcase for a compelling character that, having no strong ties to any one person since Shannon died, tends to be pushed to the background. Sayid ran the gamut of emotions in this episode and Andrews — who just LOOKED like a STAR in this episode — handled them beautifully.

He played Sayid's tender and compassionate moments on the Island (with his usual glimpse of a sense of humor) as convincingly as the cold, seductive moments when he was working Elsa. By the time she told him she loved him, he'd convinced that he had just become an efficient killing machine in his future. Of course, once he revealed what his true mission was, we learned that Elsa was an operative who was supposed to kill HIM if she couldn't find out who he worked for.

In a whopper of an ending we found out that Sayid is working for the baddest vet in Berlin — Benjamin Linus (we now know he has the passport to get there). We also found out that Sayid isn't exactly a cold-hearted bastard and Ben recruited him kill people on a list (they sure DO love lists on this show) in exchange for protecting his friends. You really trust what this guy is telling you Sayid?

So what'd you think of this episode? Who was the R.C. alluded to in Naomi's necklace and was Elsa wearing the same necklace after Sayid killed her and closed her eyes? What does it mean that time seems to move slower on the Island (31 minutes, according to Daniel's experiment) than everywhere else? Finally, who is "the economist" and who else is on Ben's list? (Are they all Euro-baddies or will it be someone we know?)