NFL 2009 Week 10 picks

The NFL is rolling out its neo-traditional, late-season (often deadly dull) Thursday night games (that a good chunk of the country can’t watch without the NFL Network).

Yay!

Of course, that also means I have to get off my lazy butt earlier in the week and give you my picks (7-6 last week, 86-43 overall).

Since it’s week 10, I’ve decided to bring back revive my favorite/only gimmick. Let’s break these games down in 10 words.

CHICAGO @ SAN FRANCISCO
The loser is probably out of the playoffs — sorry Niners.

NEW ORLEANS @ ST. LOUIS
Do we really need 10 words to describe this bloodbath?

TAMPA BAY @ MIAMI
Cancel those playoff tickets, Bucs fans — our defense still blows!

DETROIT @ MINNESOTA
Read what I wrote for Saints/Rams. Apply it here.

JACKSONVILLE @ N.Y. JETS
A win here should get the Jets overconfidence back again.

BUFFALO @ TENNESSEE
Chris Johnson’s 10-win prediction…is still bat s--- crazy.

CINCINNATI @ PITTSBURGH
Fine, Cincinnati is REALLY good — but Pittsburgh wins at home.

DENVER @ WASHINGTON
A LOT more interesting if Shanahan were already coaching Washington.

ATLANTA @ CAROLINA
Carolina WILL beat Atlanta after almost winning in New Orleans.

KANSAS CITY @ OAKLAND
You know that Pats/Colts game? This is the opposite.

SEATTLE @ ARIZONA
I think the Cardinals SHOULD win, so watch them lose.

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY
Tony Romo’s late-season swoon has to start somewhere, right?

PHILADELPHIA @ SAN DIEGO
People in Philly aren’t COMPLETELY panicked yet. They will be.

NEW ENGLAND @ INDIANAPOLIS
I will pick Indy to lose when they start losing.

BALTIMORE @ CLEVELAND
Brady Quinn…Derek Anderson…Really — what difference does it make?

Dancing with the Stars: Dancing Through the Decades

We’re down to the final 5, which works out perfectly because the five remaining celebrities are the five best dancers. (If you wanted to make a case for Mark Dacascos instead of Kelly Osbourne, I’d listen.)

This season, there’s no “star” who infiltrated the final five thanks solely to his or her fan base (I love you Ty Murray, but you had no business being in the final four last year).

As a result, we got one of the more spectacular “Dancing with the Stars” episodes in recent memory. That’s what happens when you combine solid dancing (one couple was nearly perfect) with the unique “DWTS” brand of loopiness. I mean, really – why did it take so long for this show to incorporate that brilliant/ridiculous decades concept?

Enough of me intro-ing. Let’s talk about last night’s episode, which had the couples perform a ballroom dance followed by a Latin round inspired by a specific decade. (Or in Joanna and Derek’s case, the abstract future.) Here’s how they did, in order of appearance.

Mya & Dmitry: Tricky editors. They had Mya insist in rehearsal that the couple was really going to bring the “wow factor” when that’s precisely what Len has been killing them for all this time. I was yelling “don’t do it” at the TV the same way you yell at a teen not to go outside to check out a suspicious noise in a horror movie. Instead, their quickstep was COMPLETELY in hold after a brief intro and absolutely impeccable. And that was only their second best dance of the evening. When I saw how much disco they incorporated into their 70’s samba, I worried Len would complain about too much “messin’ about.” (I mean, what’s the point of doing a 70’s theme if you’re not going to have disco?) Fortunately, the judges flipped for the long-overdue fusion of disco and samba (LOVED the extended samba rolls) and gave them a perfect 30. Dmitry’s porn-stache, on the other hand, gets a perfect 60!

Aaron Carter & Karina: There’s no way Aaron Carter makes it past Tuesday night, right? I mean, the guy got a 29 last week and still had to dance for his life. Despite the inevitability of his departure, I have to say how shocked I am at how much I ended up enjoying the Aaron Carter era in “Dancing with the Stars.” It was more enjoyable than his fox trot which WAS a bit clunky. The judges said they appreciated how hard Aaron worked. The only problem was that we could SEE how hard he was working. For his second dance, he taught a sickly Karina some leftover Backstreet Boys move for their 90’s samba. Aaron was an expert on the 90’s because he had a hit song in 1999. (Isn’t that like saying you’re a child of the 70’s if you were born in 1979?) In the shock of the evening, the samba was actually pretty solid and surprisingly charming – kinda like Aaron’s run on this show.

Joanna Krupa & Derek: I’m not sure how much fan support Joanna has (I continue to insist Derek has more than she does), but she’s lucky that Derek is a mad genius of a choreographer. I can’t really imagine another choreographer on this show (but I can imagine a bunch of “So You Think You Can Dance” choreographers) coming up with that brilliant, funky and VERY well-danced futuristic paso doble (pictured, left). I don’t want to leave Joanna out in the cold either – she absolutely nailed all the side-by-side stuff that is very easy to screw up. That dance alone will put them through to next week, which is lucky for them because their quickstep was sloppy, oddly disconnected and mostly forgettable.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: I like Kelly a lot (like everyone else), but if I had a vote, I’d send her home this week. Yes, I’m happy that her rehearsal footage was 100% less depressing this week (Louis putting her distractions in a box was funny). And, yes, her jazzy, elegant first-round fox trot was her best dance in weeks. (How is it possible she hadn’t done a ballroom dance since week 1?) However, I was NOT feeling her 60’s jive at all. She just wasn’t physically able to dance fast enough to give us an effective jive. Also, I agree with Carrie Ann that the doll gimmick went on too long and was a little creepy. To me, it was the worst dance of the evening. Still, her fan base has never allowed her to drop to the bottom two, so she should be back next week.

Donny Osmond & Kym: Donny and Kym had an emotional (and overly melodramatic) heart-to-heart in which Donny admitted that he was burned out and not enjoying dancing anymore. (I told you all those high-energy dances were killing him.) Though he ended up in the bottom of the leaderboard, I thought he had a very solid night. I have no idea whether his Viennese waltz was any good, but that’s because I was absolutely transfixed by how well Donny sold the dance. (This doesn’t usually happen to me.) That turned out to be a warm-up for an 80’s paso doble that trumped Joanna and Derek’s futuristic paso in the insanity category. At first, I thought Donny was a “Dangerous”-era Michael Jackson, but the inspiration was clearly Adam Ant. I don’t know what the inspiration for the smoke machine and insane lighting in the middle of his dance was, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Despite being in last place, he’s a lock for the semifinals (and the finals).

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it worse to be an airy fairy or artsy fartsy? When are all these robots from the future that we keep hearing about going to actually show up? Finally, is there any way Aaron Carter doesn’t go home?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Mime Doesn't Pay

I don’t even know where to start.

How about with the fact that, in its final season, Nip/Tuck is delivering some of the most dementedly entertaining episodes in all of television? (And this is the week AFTER Mario Lopez modeled women’s underwear.)

Yes, the show ceased being a serious drama after the whole Carver debacle, but I’m actually digging the show’s “how crazy can we possible get?” attitude as it winds down. It’s almost as if the show is saying, “You can take your tearful reunions or goodbyes and shove ‘em — we’re going to show you a woman who can smash a pumpkin with her breasts!”

That’d be Jenny Juggs, the latest employee at Christian’s favored strip club. (Any guesses on how high his tab there was?) After Christian got a bit handsy with Jenny she beat him up with her gloriously absurd size G breasts (they looked like double Zs to me). Remarkably, this is only Christian’s second most embarrassing injury in the show’s run — I still stay having his nose broken after a woman he was giving oral sex to sneezed is worse. Then again, that’s probably because (like Sean) I couldn’t take Christian’s injury — with his black eye and neck brace — seriously.

Since Jenny was played by Kiersten Warren (nutcase Nora on “Desperate Housewives”) she was a complete psycho. Sean and Christian thought she was scary when she smashed that pumpkin in her YouTube video, but I say destroying the phone at the McNamara/Troy reception office was even worse/better. She begged Christian for a breast reduction, but I think we all knew she’d flip out once her most memorable assets were gone. Still, I hope Jenny makes at least one more appearance before the show signs off for good. (This show is pretty good about bringing back memorable guest stars.) She definitely left an impression.

Matt (pictured, right) has apparently left an impression on his robbery victims. I don’t know why, but I found it amusing when that Asian shop lady said, “You’re that mime that’s been robbing people!” as if Los Angeles is crawling with mimes and Matt just happens to be the one that’s robbing people. (The lineup and each mime’s interpretation of a gun was another highlight.)

As I’ve said before, I’m thoroughly enjoying this subplot against all odds. Christian and Sean almost busted Matt when they tried to see him perform and heard about the famed mime robber. Although, it should still be pretty clear that Matt is NOT bringing in thousands of dollars just from miming, the show did a nice job of having Matt bluff and cast doubt in Sean and Christian’s minds. Of course, all that doubt will probably go away now that Matt showed up at Christian’s place with a hole in his stomach, but it was definitely fun while it lasted.

This episode was so good that I even completely enjoyed Rose McGowan’s Teddy for the first time!

After a little back and forth with a bratty Annie — we know that Teddy wants to kill them, but Annie doesn’t, so the attitude is actually mostly uncalled for — Teddy suggested Sean, Annie and Conor (80% less claw-y) go on a camping trip. (Great job by McGowan in this episode in turning up the sweet/creepy.)

During the trip, Teddy drugged Sean, Conor and (or so she thought) Annie and tried to poison them while they slept with carbon monoxide. Unfortunately for her, the episode had a twist straight out of Jeffrey Deaver’s “Twisted” collection of short stories (check it out!).

As soon as she ran encountered the loner, astronomy aficionado, I told my girlfriend Erica that the dude was giving off a serial killer-y vibe. Indeed, he tried to knock her out, but Teddy ran back to Sean’s camper for safety, but he had left with his kids. At first, I thought Teddy might be able to pin the attempted murder of Sean and his family on the guy, but Teddy’s character had no such luck.

Now Sean pretty much figures his wife tried to kill him and Teddy will probably be discovered in several different pieces. (Oh well, serves her right!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think we’ll see Teddy again? (Alive?) Do you feel that the show has gotten TOO crazy? Finally, are you looking forward to the return of Julia?

NFL 2009 Week 9 picks

Now we’re talking!

After a great week of picks (10-3 week, 79-37 season), I’m feeling good about selecting this latest crop of games. If only I could extend this good fortune to my fantasy football teams (more on that debacle soon).

WASHINGTON @ ATLANTA
Washington owner Daniel Snyder (pictured, left) recently apologized for his team’s sorry performance. Admitting there’s a problem is the first step. Unfortunately, whatever the second step is won’t help them win on the road against the Falcons.

ARIZONA @ CHICAGO
Does anyone have ANY idea with what the hell Arizona is doing losing at home to Carolina? Chicago’s not really too much better, but I’m betting Kurt Warner won’t love playing outdoors in chilly Chicago.

BALTIMORE @ CINCINNATI
I know the Bengals beat the Ravens a few weeks ago, but Baltimore looked GOOD against the undefeated Broncos last Sunday. It was the same “this might be the best team in the league” good from the first three weeks.

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS
Ok, if Houston wins THIS game, I’ll buy them as a playoff team.

MIAMI @ NEW ENGLAND
Miami’s going to have a hard time running their wildcat once they fall behind by a couple of scores.

GREEN BAY @ TAMPA BAY
Meet the new QB, same as the old QB. (I’m not getting fooled again - so I’m not picking the Bucs to win again this year.)

KANSAS CITY @ JACKSONVILLE
That’s a lot of suck in one game. I’m going with the Chiefs on the road because K.C. won’t be inexplicably compelled to play high-priced, useless, probable-scumbag running back Larry Johnson like they have been all year. (They might even have some fun in this game.)

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS
Who will throw more touchdowns for the Saints - Drew Brees or Jake Delhomme throwing INT TDs?

DETROIT @ SEATTLE
Matt Hasselbeck’s ribs are hurting, but the perfect elixir is a home date against the Lions.

TENNESSEE @ SAN FRANCISCO
The Titans need to win a few more games to become overly excited about the Vince Young era.

SAN DIEGO @ N.Y. GIANTS
I had ragged on the Cowboys for not beating anyone good until recently. However, the only “good” team the Giants have beaten are the Cowboys. Barely. Still, I’ll take them at home because I don’t see San Diego as a tough team that goes on the road and picks up a big win against a quality team.

DALLAS @ PHILALPHIA
Speaking of the Cowboys, the temperature is starting to go down – and generally that means Tony Romo’s quality of play will soon follow.

PITTSBURGH @ DENVER
I feel like Pittsburgh can very easily reproduce what Baltimore did to Denver last week. (Smack Kyle Orton in the mouth and shut down the run.) Not a good matchup for the Broncos.

Heroes: The Truth About Charlie

Fans who’ve been watching this show from the beginning don’t agree on much, but I think it’s safe to say we see eye-to-eye on at least one issue: we want this show to be as good as it was during season 1.

The writers and producers behind “Heroes” seem to actually be aware of this sentiment and - for better AND worse - have been happy to comply. After a mostly-disastrous second season (the writers’ strike was definitely a factor), season 3 brought the “Cold Wars” episode which played like an unofficial follow-up to the classic, HRG-centered “Company Man” episode from the show’s freshman season.

Monday night brought the show’s most shameless, “please watch and remember the good times” nostalgia-fest with “Once Upon a Time in Texas” and the return of Jayma Mays (pictured, right) as Charlie, who’s real super power is being absolutely adorable.
Here’s my problem. When I say that I want the show to be as good as it was in season 1, I don’t literally mean that I want the show go back to season 1 plotlines. (In fact, the overuse of the time travel device is, in my opinion, the biggest thing that has absolutely killed the show!) What I want is a return to the excitement, danger and “what’s going to happen next” feel of season 1. By repeatedly going back to the show’s glory days, “Heroes” is effectively sabotaging any chance it has of becoming a good show in the present.

That being said, I definitely enjoyed seeing Hiro interact with Charlie, as well as season 1 Ando (different haircut) and season 1 Sylar (aka Brain Man).

I’m not really sure why Hiro all of a sudden decided he could change the past and stop Sylar from killing Charlie (didn’t he accept the futility of altering the future when he failed to save that roof jumper in the episode called, um, “Acceptance”), but I went along with it because that’s just what we have to do with “Heroes” these days.

I liked the white hat/black hat joke, and I REALLY liked seeing old-school scary Sylar (although he WAS much scarier when he barely spoke at all during season 1). Initially, Hiro succeeded in saving Charlie’s life AND convincing his old self (“moron”) to make her fall in love with him, but then he learned Charlie would soon die of a brain aneurism.

Re-enter Sylar, who fixed the aneurism in exchange for Hiro’s knowledge of the future. However unlikely this deal really was, I rolled with it because I can believe that season 1 Sylar would be vain enough to want to know how he dies because he’d be convinced he could prevent it. Also, Quinto’s acting during the scene where Hiro tells him that he dies alone with no one mourning him was brilliant. (This guy is simply too good for this show now.)

By the way, while all of this was going on, we got a thoroughly unnecessary subplot with HRG and a partner who was blonder, whiter and decidedly less Haitian-y than the one we knew from season 1. She was played by Elisabeth Rohm and she tempted Noah into having an affair. I get that the writers wanted to show us that the shady, kidnapping season 1 Noah was a good guy that cared about his family. However, I didn’t NEED to see this character retroactively put in a positive light. I’m not saying he was cheating on Sandra, but I like the idea that he wasn’t as good a person then as he is today and this flashback somewhat robbed him of the transformation he’s undergone.

Oh well, at least this storyline introduced the phrase, “going Haitian” (having your memory wiped) into the lexicon. (Speaking of which, can we get a Jimmy Jean-Louis cameo – I mean we saw Isaac Mendez last night!)

After a brief bout of ungratefulness for Charlie (she was peeved that Hiro exchanged her life for all the people Sylar goes on to kill), Hiro and Charlie got their happily ever after. That is until Evil Butterfly Man Samuel kidnapped her and stranded her in time. (Samuel and his shady whatever is really getting to be a nuisance at this point.) I'm guessing she'll stay lost in time until Mays can get a break from "Glee" to shoot more scenes.

Turns out Samuel needs Hiro to join him so he can undo a terrible wrong – it appears that several weeks earlier Samuel was responsible for the death of…Mohinder! So, let me get this straight: a solid portion of this season has been dedicated to SAVING Mohinder’s life?!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what’d you think of this episode? Why are Samuel’s people dying? (“Our family’s getting smaller, and our graveyard’s getting bigger?) Was Claire really THAT well endowed in season 1? (Nice to see the iconic cheerleading uniform again.) Finally, is it true what they say - once you “go Haitian”, you never go back?

Project Runway: Girls, Girls, Girls

The outcome of this episode was SO predetermined and obvious that I didn’t even think twice of going with a mild spoiler as this column’s title.

Still, I have to give the producers behind this show credit for (almost) making it (kinda) interesting.

I hope you don’t mind if this is one my shorter recaps. I mean, what is there to say about an episode that was mostly comprised of the designers spouting variations of, “This is the last challenge”, “We have to wow the judges this week because it’s the last challenge”, “I really want to go to Bryant Park”, and “Going to Bryant Park means everything to me.”

The challenge was to create a look inspired by the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles, which made me think immediately of the season 4 challenge that had the contestants create a look inspired by the Metropolitan Museum of Art. (Unfortunately, it also made me think of how much more exciting/entertaining/challenging Christian, Rami, Jillian and Co. were compared to this year’s crop of designers.)

Our current contestants ended up doing little to shake the underwhelming tag.

This week’s workroom sessions didn’t bring anything new, other than Althea sort of assuming the role of main antagonist. (I thought Irina was going to say Althea was like King Kong because she was really tall, not because she “grabs everything.”) Irina happily informed us that she would never say anything behind anyone’s back that she wouldn’t say to their face, leading me to let out my most sarcastic “HA!”

For example, she criticized Christopher for having a “false confidence” right after we were shown her being nice to him. I don’t believe Christopher has a “false” confidence, I think he has a misguided confidence. A false confidence implies that he doesn’t believe in himself or what he’s saying. Unfortunately, I think Christopher actually believes in everything he’s done the past month. (Tim certainly didn’t believe in the accent color he wanted to use while they were at Mood.)

After a depressing mentoring visit from Tim (was he REALLY excited about any of the outfits, except maybe Gordana’s?) the runway show came, went and disappointed again.

Heidi and Nina were joined by Cynthia Rowley and Cindy Crawford (what’s SHE been up to). Although there was no top 3 or bottom 3, none of the judges seemed terribly excited about ANY of the looks. (How sad is it that, facing their most important challenge of the season, none of these people could get the judges or viewers excited?)

Althea – who’s never been in the bottom 2 – delivered her worst look of the season after spending too much time on a puckered skirt. She also forced her model Tanisha to wear her boobs around her belly again thanks to a flimsy top. Although Irina’s look got some positive comments, it was too droopy for my taste and Nina said it looked “too old.” She also over-accessorized her model Kalyn and the judges forced her to take off her shoes and hair clip thingy. (That’s what happens when you don’t use the Macy’s Accessory Wall thoughtfully.) Carol-Hannah did “the best”, but made a pretty-yet-unexciting dress that had little to do with her inspiration and was too reminiscent of her past work. Nina called it “safe perfection.” (Not exactly glowing praise.)

That being said, it was pretty clear those three would be going to Bryant Park, and they absolutely deserve to be there out of the designers who are left.

I believe that’s why the judges tempered their praise of Gordana’s work (probably the best of the night). If they praised Gordana’s dress too much, they might have been forced to send her to Bryant Park over the suddenly-struggling Althea. Gordana has been WAY too inconsistent to earn a spot in Bryant Park, and she just seemed to be in a generally foul mood last night. (Maybe it came from hanging around with new BFF Irina too much.) Still, I had to laugh when Nina criticized her by saying that she “didn’t know who Gordana was as a designer.” How WOULD Nina know? She’s been gone half the season!

Then there’s Christopher, the self-proclaimed “wacky, weird guy.” It’s not so much that he was “wacky or weird” as much as he was totally clueless. I REALLY appreciated that he went outside the box and didn’t use a painting or work of art for inspiration. (Christopher used a fountain and the algae at the bottom.) I LOVE that he tried to find beauty in an unusual place – like this guy. Still, his final creation was (again!) ultimately misguided. The bottom of the dress was too stiff and heavy and appeared to be smeared with blue crayon. I think the judges got it exactly right in the end – he has good ideas, but doesn’t have the experience to execute them.

The judges, I believe, also got it exactly right with this final three.

So what’d you think of the episode? Why the hell was L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa there to present the challenge along with Tim? (I’m guessing this was filmed pre-scandal.) Finally, who do you think will win this season of “Project Runway”?

America's Next Top Recap: Miller Time

Yeah, well, if Tyra told you to jump off a cliff, would you do THAT too?!

Apparently, the answer is yes — at least for this particular group of petite models.

I was a little surprised by the fact that we’re already down to final 5 — not having the customary waste-of-time recap episode with “lost” or “behind-the-scenes” footage threw me off. While it hasn’t been the most successful season/cyle in terms of the quality of the contestants, I’ll be damned if these girls aren’t killing themselves (almost literally) to win this thing and entertain us.

I found last night’s episode to be pretty entertaining. A big reason for that was the presence of guest judge/mentor Marisa Miller (pictured, right).

After being paddled ashore (how much you wanna bet the girls were told who she was beforehand — I just don’t buy that everyone automatically knew her), the 5’8” supermodel basically gave the girls lessons on how to elongate themselves, show off their curves and generally pose sexily. (For the record, “sexily” is my favorite adverb.)

Miller also delivered an immeasurable amount of unintentional humor. After telling the girls to get in the water, roll in the sand and take a sexy shower, she proceeded to shout suggestive-sounding things that weren’t really suggestive like, “lemme see your butt!”, “down on your knees!”, “close your mouth!” By the way, this all happened BEFORE she called Jennifer’s photo “too erect” during panel. (Yes, I giggled when she said “too erect” — I’m officially 13 years old.)

Unfortunately what Miller also did is the same thing Tyra does whenever she gives these contestants a lesson: she showed us what a damn good model she is, and how relatively inadequate these girls are when compared to a real model.

Still, Marisa “Barbie Toe” Miller was so helpful that I wish Tyra would have brought her on earlier in the season, because it’s obvious most of these girls just have no idea what they’re doing. (And why would they?) Then again, Marisa probably only agreed to come on during the Hawaii episodes. I would suggest that Tyra make Marisa Miller a permanent part of this show, but we all remember what happened the last time the panel had a strong voice that dared to disagree with Tyra on a regular basis. (Hi, Paulina!)

The weekly challenge had the girls throwing themselves off a rocky cliff and posing for a photo in mid-air. I realize that even Tyra’s not crazy enough to put these girls in real danger, but this was still some scary-looking s---. (That water looked WAY too shallow for my taste.) Nicole triumphed during the challenge mostly because she was the only contestant to actually incorporate Marisa’s feedback (side pose/show off the curves). Can we just give the girl the trophy already? I was amused to see that even the rest of the contestants (especially Jennifer) are aware of Nicole’s dominance, though it worries me that she’s peaking too early.

Nicole earned some nice jewelry and extra frames for the week’s photo shoot. She shared them with Sundai, who shared them with Laura, who shared them with Jennifer, leaving Erin out. To the surprise of no one, Erin whined about how unfair it was that she’d have less frames to work with than everyone else. I guess no one told her that this is what happens when you’re a whiny, immature brat that nobody likes. (I still remember her pushing people out of the way during the Walmart race.)

That being said, this group of girls apparently gets along so well that there was absolutely no drama at the house. I can just picture the editors throwing their hands up in exasperation before settling on going with footage that showed the contestants throwing Laura a birthday party, and making her breakfast. I actually don’t mind, since this is preferable to the usual trumped up racial drama, though I probably could’ve done without the shot of Nicole going to sleep.

The next day brought the photo shoot which had the girls posing underwater. The girls with the extra frames (meaning, NOT Erin) would come to the surface and receive feedback from Mr. Jay before doing back underwater.

Jennifer won the best photo of the week. It was very strong, but I agreed with Marissa in that it was too erect (tee-hee) and that it didn’t have enough going on for me. At first, I thought Nicole deserved the win, but her feet were mildly terrifying. I would’ve split the difference and given Laura (who is afraid of suffocating — um, just like the rest of us) the win.

The bottom two was comprised of Sundai and Erin (welcome back!). The judges liked Sundai’s body in the picture, but not her ill-lit face. Meanwhile, Erin’s picture was mostly a disaster and she was making her third straight visit to the bottom 2. So, of course, they kept her around once again. (Are we going to have a Christopher from “Project Runway” situation here?)

I know Sundai made too many excuses and, to be blunt, had no chance in hell of actually winning this thing. Still, her picture was (marginally) better than Erin’s and she deserved to stay. Erin, on the other hand, is getting worse each week. Also, no one likes her. (Nice job, Tyra.)

Goodbye Sundai. I’ll miss your creatively-spelled first name, your over-enunciation, and your tales of growing up in an orphanage. (I won’t miss your hideous outfits at panel.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Given how many second chances she’s had, is Erin a lock for the final 3? What was the point of having Nigel at the challenge if he wasn’t taking the photos? Finally, would you watch a show hosted by Marisa Miller?

Paranormal Activity Review

“Paranormal Activity” is NOT the scariest movie of all-time.

I promise that’s not a slam against the movie. It’s just that I don’t believe there’s such thing as a “scariest movie of all time” (or “funniest movie of all time”) because what I find scary is probably not the same stuff that gives you the creeps.

Still, I thought I’d go ahead and let you know that “Paranormal Activity” is NOT the scariest movie of all time in the hopes that you somewhat ignore the escalating mountain of hype and enjoy this little chiller on its own merits.

Then again, that hype is the very reason people even know about this $15,000 thriller.

Going in, I was afraid I’d have another “Cloverfield” situation on my hands. A “Cloverfield” situation is when a movie’s marketing campaign ends up being the most interesting thing about it. (Of course, some of you might also call this a “Blair Witch Project” situation since that low-budget/shot-on-tape/did-this-stuff-really-happen? flick more closely resembles “Paranormal Activity.” However, I actually think “Blair Witch” delivered in terms of what it was trying to do.)

In that same vein, I believe “Paranormal Activity” also delivers. It tells a simple, creepy story in a very clever way and it has the extra added bonus of being a better-made film than “Blair Witch.”

Newcomers Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat star as a slightly vapid, twenty-something couple (is it redundant to say that they’re in their twenties and vapid?) who live in a house where things go bump in the night. Micah purchases a camera in the hopes of capturing the paranormal activity in their home, and everything the audience sees comes from the camera’s lens.

I won’t reveal anymore other than to say that things start off innocuously enough before director Oren Peli gradually ups the ante.

In fact, I’m sure the director’s pace is a little TOO gradual for some moviegoers. Personally, I enjoyed the relatively slow build for two reasons.

The first is that one of my absolute favorite sources of suspense in movies is when the audience knows something the characters on screen do not. This movie’s repeated signature shot is Micah’s camera silently videotaping the couple while they sleep and, um, stuff happens to them. Seeing, um, stuff occur that our sleeping protagonists were not aware of was gold for me. (This movie made me briefly consider sleeping with my bedroom door closed, until I realized that an evil spirit could easily open my door and that this was just a silly movie.)

I also appreciated the fact that this scary story wasn’t set in a decrepit mansion, a scary forest or an abandoned asylum — it took place in a house (Peli’s house actually) that looks like any house a young couple might live in. (I’ve got to get hardwood floors one day!)

The second reason I didn’t mind the leisurely pace is probably the same thing that annoys the heck out of a lot of people — Featherston and Sloat. The actors are alone on screen for approximately 95% of the movie and they do a good job convincing us that they’re a real couple. That is to say they’re often petty, selfish, stubborn, funny and annoying. I’m sure that turns a lot of people off, but I’ll take this sort of authenticity over the barely-drawn characters in “Cloverfield.” On top of that, I DID get the sense that Katie and Micah cared about each other.

Featherston, in particular, is strong since she’s the one in the couple most directly affected by what’s happening. Sloat has the more thankless role as the typical young lunkhead (if he hadn’t tried to convince his girlfriend to do a sex tape, I would’ve been shocked), but plays it well.

Of course, as with most horror movies, there are considerable gaps in logic. Micah, in particular, is distressingly stubborn in wanting to “take on” the evil spirit himself. (Get a clue, dude!) Also, while the movie works hard to establish that leaving the house won’t completely solve the problem, there HAS to be a point where these two fools just get the f--- out of that house!!

Still, these are problems you’ll find in any number of scary flicks, even good ones. “Paranormal Activity” may not be the scariest movie of all time, but it’s a good one.

Paranormal Activity…B+

Dancing with the Stars: Three to Tango

With last week’s double elimination of Melissa Joan Hart and Louie Vito, our remaining celebrities each have a realistic chance of making it to the finals.

And Michael Irvin is here too.

Let’s get right to Monday night’s couples (in order of appearance), the Team Paso/Team Tango faceoff, and costume design.

Michael Irvin & Anna D: My mean joke in the intro notwithstanding, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed Michael’s time on this show (as opposed to how much I hated him as a player and as an NFL analyst). His fox trot was charming, well-danced and contained the most content out of any of his routines, but I still feel like he could do more. For reasons known only to her, Anna once again refused to go all-out and challenge Michael to become a REAL threat to win this thing. I’m thinking her choreography skills are simply as bland as her personality. Fortunately for her, I have a sneaky feeling Michael’s fans will push him to next week. (You watch - Michael will make it to next week, and THEN everyone will say things like, “He had a good run, but it’s time for him to go.)

Donny Osmond & Kym: Why is the show trying to kill Donny Osmond? (Or at least make him faint like his sister.) Last week he had to deal with a lightning fast jitterbug and a marathon mambo. This week he was back at it with the quickstep. After a brief session with the posture bar — I actually thought Kym was going to bring a person in when she said, “I’ll be right back” — Donny performed a nice, light, mistake-filled quickstep. Samantha ribbed Donny for pointing out miscues the judges (apparently) didn’t notice, but I saw them all (and I’m sure the judges did too). At least Donny’s brand of perfectionism is kind of charming. (As opposed to Kelly’s cry-y brand of perfectionism which is becoming increasingly off-putting.)

Mark Dacascos & Anna T.: This is the space where I usually write “Mark Dacascos & Lacey”, but Lacey was out with the flu. (Derek and Lacey sitting in a tree…) Tony Dovolani (who appeared to do more harm than good) filled in briefly while Mark was in New York before Anna Trebunskaya stepped in as Mark’s replacement for the week. I’m not sure if what we saw was Lacey’s concept for the samba or Anna’s, but what I DO now is that it was pretty disastrous. (You KNOW it’s bad when they cut to Chuck Lidell looking like he feels really bad for you.) I wish Mark realized that he’s not REQUIRED to do martial arts every week just because he can. He could be in big trouble on Tuesday.

Mya & Dmitry: I thought their fox trot was absolutely terrific. I get (and appreciate) that Len has his reasons for not joining the fawning chorus for Mya (mostly sky-high expectations), but last night he was just a dick. Not only was it ridiculous for him to give this dance a lower score than Kelly’s salsa (more on that in a bit), but the comment about how he was sure Carrie Ann and Bruno would love it was thoroughly condescending. It turned out to be true, but it was still VERY condescending, as if he were saying “I’m sure these two simpletons liked it.” Also, Cloris Leachman should be brought in as a mentor at least once a month. That is all.

Aaron Carter & Karina: I’m not sure how they did it, but this couple has COMPLETELY won me over. Actually, I know exactly how they did it – Aaron stopped giving off that “I’m Aaron Carter and you should be impressed because of that” vibe and got down to the business of kicking ass on this show. And let’s face it – we like it when our celebs care a little too much (but not a LOT too much, like Kelly). Like Len, I wasn’t sure his jive was a 10, but I would’ve given it to him anyway since it was my favorite dance of the night (those side by side kicks were furious). Hopefully all this recent success won’t turn him into the old Aaron Carter.

Kelly Osbourne & Louie: (Sigh) At least Kelly gets credit for being the one celeb to REALLY take advantage of the whole “We’re designing the pros’ costumes” gimmick. After yet another emotional meltdown in rehearsal (Louis committed the unspeakable crime of demanding she step her game up), I simply didn’t care for the salsa. The music was wrong and the dancing was off and too slow at parts. What’s worse, I now find myself glad when Kelly manages to get through a dance without having a pained expression on her face rather than because I enjoyed the dance. There’s still hope for her if she survives this week’s elimination, but I am NOT enjoying the Kelly Osbourne experience right now.

Joanna Krupa & Derek: Remember how Aaron won me over by caring a little too much about all this? Well, Joanna was the first person to do that this season. Although her rumba lacked hip action, I thought it was excellent except for her very visible stumble (she’s really gotta clean those little stumbles up). All that being said, I still feel like the reason she’ll be in the finals is because people are voting for Derek, who starred in his own short film about his obsession with his partner and her ridiculous swimsuit during rehearsals. (***SPOILER ALERT *** It turned out he wasn’t really into Joanna – he was into Derek. Like most of America.)

Team Paso: More like Team Drama. After a fog machine-assisted entrance, we got to watch the pros in this group (especially Lacey and Karina) bicker about the routine as the celebs sheepishly stood to th eside. (Maybe Lacey got “sick” of working with Karina.) I particularly enjoyed the disdain in Karina’s voice when she suggested Mya go last because she’s “Ms. Perfect.” Eventually, Michael Irvin became convinced he was in a sports movie and did a fantastic job of pulling everyone together. The four couples did a considerably less fantastic job of performing together, which is understandable given how hard it is to stay in synch. Other than Aaron’s obvious discomfort, the solos were pretty good. I was particularly impressed by Michael (yes, Michael!) and Mark, who bounced back nicely.

Team Tango: Still, Team Tango took this competition by a clear margin. It all felt a little predetermined. They had the easier dance to synchronize and they had less people (and less egos) to worry about (three couples, instead of four). All that being said, they absolutely delivered, although I could still FEEL Kelly giggling as she felt up Donny Osmond’s leg. Very nice job out of Team Tango.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you have even noticed that the costumes were a little different if they hadn’t said anything? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (I think Kelly will be voted out, and I believe Mark will defeat Michael in a dance off.)

America's Next Top Recap: Black and White

I know this is REALLY late, but I didn’t get home until around midnight on Wednesday, and I didn’t have a chance to watch this episode until Sunday.

And what an episode it was!

Since everything that could have been said about this “controversial” episode of “Top Model” has already been said, I’ll give you my rapid fire thoughts on the hour instead. (In case anyone cares, I’ll have a proper recap up next time.)

- Let’s just jump into the “controversy” right away. I’m guessing a lot of people took offense to having most of the models don “blackface” during this week’s mostly nonsensical bi-racial photo shoot. (“What happens when men and women from different places come together? Babies – from different cultures!” – Tyra.)

I might’ve been offended myself – if even a miniscule part of me took ANY part of this show seriously. Sure, it would’ve been nice for Tyra to, at least, address the potential for racial insensitivity. However, this show is so far off the rails that I didn’t even think to be scandalized when she announced what the shoot was. (I was more worried about what Barack Obama had done to get dragged into this mess.) On top of that, this isn’t even the first time Tyra has done racial transformations on this show.

- Besides, without Tyra’s nutso line of thinking, we never would’ve gotten as many delightfully awkward moments as we did last night.

Tyra – who doubled as photographer – yelling at Native American/Hindu Brittany to stare at the (nonexistent) eagle. (I also have to give props to the production crew for adding an eagle sound effect at this point, as well as a drumming sound effect when Jennifer was having trouble getting into the Botswana spirit and Mr. Jay told her that “music is heard everywhere you go” in that country.) The best moment, however, was Erin admitting that she knew nothing about Tibet, “except that people want to free it.” The runner-up for best moment was Tyra telling her to think of the Dalai Lama and quickly changing the subject because I’m pretty sure she knows nothing else about Tibet herself. (Other than “people want to free it.”)

- I can’t really make fun of the girls for not knowing what a Malagasy was, since I had no idea that was a person from Madagascar.

- The CW must REALLY be running out of money. No offense to Hawaii, but when “Top Model” goes overseas, they typically go to a different country. Also, I can’t help but feel like the reason behind having Tyra serve as a photographer again was less about making history, and more about saving money on a guest photographer.

- The early part of this episode reminded me that girls don’t get nearly enough credit for being disgusting pigs

-The surfing photo shoot challenge was cool, even if Laura was turning fire engine red before our eyes.

- In case you hadn’t heard, Erin is immature. (This from 21-year-old geezer Brittany.)

- As much as she complains about EVERYTHING, I actually agree with Erin on the relative lameness of a helicopter ride as a reward. Don’t get me wrong, Hawaii is beautiful, but I think six out of six of those girls would have chosen high-end jewelry, clothes or even a photo shoot reward to add to their portfolios over a scenic ride. So I agree with Erin. The only difference is that I’m smart enough to never say that out loud and appear ungrateful.

- Props to Laura for asking for brutal honesty from Tyra, getting it, and adjusting her performance accordingly.

- For the most part, the guest judges on “Top Model” this season have been as lame and forgettable as the guest judges on “Project Runway” have been memorable and insightful.

- Between Erin and Brittany, I would’ve rather seen Erin go home, but I’m not terribly broken up about Brittany the mathematician being sent packing. That’s how little I care about this season.

- Finally, would ANYBODY care if they just canceled the rest of the season and gave the top prize to Nicole (pictured, left)? Anybody at all?