Jersey Shore: Something to Stalk About

That was a LOT of “Jersey Shore” to digest!

I actually wasn’t aware that we’d be getting two hours worth of Seaside Heights shenanigans Thursday night until the second episode started at 11 p.m. in place of “Jersey Shore: After Hours.”

I’m not complaining, (two episodes of “Jersey Shore” are better than one) but I thought it was interesting that this super-sized episode featured the cast during, arguably, their darkest hours.

The main attraction coming into this episode appeared to be the cast’s trip to Atlantic City (a trip that turned out to be mostly a bust, except for Snooki building a bubble bath fort while her roommates napped), but first we had a bit of residual Ronnie/Sammi drama to settle.

Sammi finally seemed to realize that the “shove” Ronnie gave her during the boardwalk showdown with that belligerent old couple (they were “like 30”!) was nothing and the two presented a united front as they confronted their housemates. Snooki had told Rommi that “everybody in the house” was annoyed by the way Ronnie and Sammi isolated each other.

Since this confrontation took about 15 minutes and was incredibly tedious, I’ll skip over the details. The highlights (other than a sleepy cameo from J-Woww) included Snooki telling the camera that Sammi could be a real bitch sometimes, without even realizing it. (So true!) I just don’t get what was so difficult to understand – Snooki simply wanted EVERYONE in the house to spend time together because their time at the shore was winding down. Rommi (mostly Sammi) took this as a personal attack on their relationship for some reason.

Whatever. All I know is that Snooki was Thursday night’s MVP (an award that usually goes to The Situation and Pauly D). Although, she was cruelly insulted by The Situation (more on that in a bit), embarrassed at Karma (without realizing it, she made out with a guy who had a girlfriend), and insulted in the street (some haters were yelling about her corset looking like a Halloween costume), I actually think it was a good week for Snooki.

I can’t decide if my favorite line of hers was “I’m not trashy – unless I drink too much” or “I f---ing like save animals – that’s what I do!” On top of that, she found love(?) in the form of Keith, an Irish farm worker/cowboy who was determined to not give the camera a good look at his face. More importantly, no one hit her in the face this time.

At least not literally. I suppose you could argue Mike’s fat joke (“You already have a couple of rolls”) was more painful than the punch in the face, but I’m still thinking the punch in the face hurt more.

If there was an overriding theme to last night’s two episodes, it seemed to be everyone in the house (except for loyal grenade-taker Pauly D) slowly realizing that The Situation is kind of a horrible human being. (Except for his cooking.)

In just a space of two hours, The Situation alienated Snooki with the fat joke (they were going back and forth, and it just went too far), Vinny (who The Situation appears to view as an upstart challenger to his imaginary position as king), Ronnie and Sammi (will this season end with The Situation admitting that losing Sammi hurt him a LOT more than he lets on?) and J-Woww.

J-Woww (who I was surprised to learn is still apparently in a relationship with her downer of a boyfriend Tom) had gotten a bit too drunk at an Atlantic City club and asked The Situation to take her home. Unfortunately, J-Woww didn’t know that when The Situation is trying to hook up with someone, it wouldn’t matter if someone was lying in a ditch dying – it’s a “Do Not Bother Me” zone. Not only that, but The Situation had J-Woww kicked out of the club, which lead to her punching him in the face when he returned to the hotel room, which lead to the appearance of MTV’s security guys. (It’s always a nice little jolt to see them spring out from nowhere.)

Eventually, Mike (somewhat) made up with Snooki and J-Woww, but I found his intervention with Ronnie and Vinny interesting. Ronnie was telling Mike that he shouldn’t treat his friends like this, and The Situation responded that none of the people in the house were his friends, which appears to go against the “we are family” guido mantra someone like Snooki seems to live by. Not to go all “Frasier” on you, but I just feel like The Situation is an intensely insecure person who is terrified of making any sort of personal connections. This is obviously true of his relationships with women, but it also appears to be the case with other guys.

At least he has Pauly D to pal around with and to assist him in pulling off pranks. I LOVED that Snooki was mostly annoyed that the two wasted a couple of perfectly good pickles. I also took note of Mike’s recipe for the "haterade" he and Pauly slipped under Vinny’s bed.

Pauly D was probably happy to have something to do so that he could avoid talking to his stalker. I said earlier that Snooki was the episode’s MVP, but Pauly D came on strong at the end.

He’d met Danielle, an Israeli girl who appears to really want a serious relationship, in Seaside Heights. Later, Pauly was serving as wingman for Vinny when Danielle started popping up at random intervals of their evening together. (My favorite was her apparating when they were at the tattoo station.) Eventually, Vinny delivered a sensational monologue over the phone (Sammi’s “You go Pauly” was great!) and the two appeared to shake hands and break up – before they left together arm in arm. More of this (crazy!) relationship please.

Of course, the episode ended on a darker note with Ronnie being arrested for aggravated assault after absolutely laying out a guy who was harassing the group. This column doesn’t (usually) condone violence, but am I the only one who felt bad for Ronnie when the police took him away and he insisted (in a curiously small voice) that it was self-defense.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it just me or did Vinny become (a little) interesting in a hurry? (His Mike impersonation – and his mistake- were priceless.) Could THIS be the end of Rommi? Finally, will Snooki and Cowboy Keith ride off into the sunset together?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Bald and the Beautiful

Figures

A week after I praised this show for (mostly) going back to its serious drama roots, the show reverts back to the more shallow and lackadaisical approach to storytelling that has become the norm over the last few seasons.

Look, I’m not a viewer that needs to have EVERYTHING spelled out for me. For example, as jarring as it was to learn that all of a sudden Christian and Kimber were married in last week’s season premiere, I can accept that they had reconciled and were in a relationship, so I didn’t need to actually see the nuptials.

But the latest episode, “Willow Banks”, appeared to have absolutely nothing to do with last week’s installment. Christian went from being high on life (redecorating his office and trying to cheer up his friend by buying that award) to down in the dumps and had decided to let himself go. (Hopefully they didn’t toss out Kelly Carlson’s fat suit from last season.)

It’s fine if the show wants to jump around a bit (after all, there are only SO many episodes left until the show is over), but when I sit down to watch “Nip/Tuck” I shouldn’t be asking myself, “Wait a minute, did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, as Christian was on his inexplicable path to (yet again) sabotage his relationship with Kimber (why did he decide to let himself go now?) he met the episode’s titular patient. Willow (Mini Anden) was a beautiful model who wanted to make herself uglier because she was tired of people never seeing the real her.

Sorry, but I almost hurt myself rolling my eyes. I wasn’t even that annoyed by her annoying request (like Christian was). I was rolling my eyes at the fact that anyone who’s ever watched the show (and most people who haven’t) could see EXACTLY where this was going.

First, Christian would hook up with the patient (they bonded in their uglification over some Kentucky Fried Chicken), the patient would be revealed to be a nutjob (she shaved her head and crashed her car into a wall at 110 miles per hour) only to decide that she wanted to be beautiful after all. Yawn.

And it’s a damn shame too because Julian McMahon (with his gray stubble that Christian would’ve almost certainly dyed) had fun being a slow and Anden delivered a very effective performance.

At least the writers were a little more subtle in showing us how Sean’s patient mirrored his life. Sean was treating a man who’d gone into a coma at age 18 and woken up 22 years later. He looked 40, but felt 18 so he wanted to look like a teen again.

Sure, the scenes with Sean taking the guy clubbing were amusing, but I was more interested in the idea of Sean himself waking up in his 40’s and realizing that it was time to start living his own life. The fact that coma guy ended up slipping back into a long slumber was probably an even bigger wake-up call.

I’m considerably less interested in the Sean-Kimber Affair(: the Sequel), which is a shame because, again, the actors are doing a good job. (In this case Dylan Walsh and, especially, Kelly Carlson are making me care based solely on the strength of their performances.)

But honestly, Sean sleeping with Kimber? Well, Christian slept with Julia, so I guess they’re even in terms of sleeping with each other’s wives. Still, the bottom line is that this move had little impact because almost every character on this show has slept with each other. (Anyone waiting on a Kimber-Liz hookup?)

So what’d you think of this episode? Where the heck are Matt and Julia? (I’ve actually been pretty ok with not having them around.) Finally, feel free to tell me if I’m way off base and that this was an excellent episode.

American Idol: Georgia Peaches

So remember how I sorta slammed Tuesday night’s show for giving us “good” singers who weren’t all that good, “bad singers” who weren’t that entertaining, and a guest judge who was a complete non-factor?

Well Wednesday’s 90-minute audition episode from Atlanta pretty much remedied all those problems. I’m thinking the shorter running time had something to do with the higher quality of the episode. (Although, the show still did waste WAY too much time with that tragically unfunny bit mocking Jesse Hamilton — who’d had three near death experiences — as well as pretty much everyone from the south.)

Then again, maybe Atlanta is just generally a more entertaining city than Boston. (Sure, I’m trying to start something!) Either way, Wednesday’s episodes gave me the first pair of contestants I could easily see in, at least, the semifinals and maybe even on the big stage. (As an extra-added bonus, they were both thoroughly likable.)

I’m loathed to agree with Randy Jackson, but the dawg had it right when he said professional church singer Jermaine Sellers’ audition (pictured, left) was the best vocal we’ve heard this year. (He needs to slow down on those runs, though.) He brought a nice R&B flavor to “What if God was One of Us” (artistry!) and, more importantly, the guy had genuine star quality. I’d be shocked if we don’t hear from this guy again.

Meanwhile, my favorite thing about Mallory Haley’s audition (pictured, right) was that she walked in with absolutely no fanfare or sob story, stepped on the mini-dance floor the producers have set up this season and delivered a strong, confident version of “Piece of My Heart.” Her charisma may not be as overt as Jermaine’s, but her assured “I’m a star” attitude (without coming off as cocky) is just as appealing.

I wasn’t as excited about the evening’s other stars. For example, I think it’s cool that Tennessean Vanessa Wolfe likes to bridge jump and that she’ll get to ride on a plane for the first time, but it’s hard to get excited about someone who probably has no chance of sniffing the semifinals. (Then again, she has a memorable personality, which can be just as important on this show.) Keia Johnson delivered a confident version of “My Heart Will Go On”, but (like Nina Garcia) I have to question her taste level. (Can you tell I’m ready for “Project Runway” tonight?) I mean, THAT song? Really?! Then there’s Bryan Walker, the singing policeman, who is a nice guy, but much less interesting than the “Cop Rock” images that flood my mind when I hear “singing policeman.”

There were other people I liked (like, um, girl who sang “The Climb” who got lumped into a three-person montage), but there was no time to show more because we had to get in three offensive and unfunny dramatizations making fun of hicks.

The show seemed to set up Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler and “Guitar Girl” for ridicule, but (holy Norman Gentle and Tatyana del Toro!) these two could actually sing a little. Well, Skii Bo Ski more so than guitar girl. In fact, I give Skii Bo Ski (or, as his discount shirt read: Ski Bo Ski) the general edge because his character is actually pretty entertaining, while “Guitar Girl” is not interesting at all beyond the fact that she’s dressed as a guitar. (Which isn’t that interesting to begin with.) Or, as Mary J. Blige put it, “I don’t get.it.”

Out of the delusional losers, the other one who really stood out was Stereotypical Angry Black guy who was determined as hell to perform “Kiss from a Rose” for the judges. (It was actually the most unpleasant version of “Kiss from a Rose” I’ve ever heard.) Hopefully, those security guys who escorted him out of the arena walked him right into an anger management class.

Fortunately, the evening ended on a high note. (Not literally.) Sensing they had another potential William Hung on their hands, the producers held off on introducing us to Gen. Larry Pratt and “Pants on the Ground” until the very end. Yes, this was very funny, and YES, I agree with the message (people should wear pants that fit, damnit!) but the whole thing felt a mite too manufactured. It’s like they were trying to and expecting this thing to become a viral hit (which it has) rather than letting it happen naturally.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where did Simon disappear to toward the end of the episode? Did you enjoy Mary J. Blige or did you think her laughing in some contestants’ face was rude? (Sorry, but some people deserve to be laughed at.) Finally, can YOU see any of these people in the finals?

Heroes: The Great Escape

“I’ve had just about enough of your nonsense, Hiro.”

“Listen, the Sylar thing was a TERRIBLE idea – we all admit that.”

These are both quotes from the latest episode of “Heroes.” More importantly, they appear to be evidence that the show has finally become self-aware enough to acknowledge how downright brutal it has been at times.

Either way, “Close to You” was one of the funniest (on purpose) and downright enjoyable episodes of “Heroes” in a long time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this show would be served well if it came to grips with its own awfulness and embraced it.

Take the “Great Asylum Escape”, for instance. Not only is this entire sequence of events entirely unnecessary, but we’ve already seen how it turns out. (We’d glimpsed Hiro, Ando and Mohinder running through the swamp.) So why not have a little fun with it.

The episode’s MVP is undoubtedly James Kyson Lee simply for the line “I work in a cart factory” as a way of explaining why he was hanging around the cart with all the meds. Hiro and Ando had deduced that Mohinder was being drugged, which was preventing him from using his super strength to bust out. Since this show appears to now (officially) be a comedy, Ando had swallowed Mohinder’s drugs by accident and was tripping during the escape. Still, he was able to use his “red lightning” to bust open the door and, later, to fix Hiro’s pop culture-scrambled brain. (I guess it’s too much to hope that the show will make up its mind as to what Ando’s power is – is he an amplifier or does he blast people? Wait, I know – whichever’s more convenient!)

In fact, this storyline was such a triumph that I even found Mohinder bearable, although that’s probably because he was standing in for the audience (he was the one who complained about Hiro’s nonsense). The trio teleported out of Florida and into HRG’s living room for a perfectly-timed cock block.

Unfortunately, this brings us to the least successful part of the episode.

Now, I’ve said time and time again that Jack Coleman is the best actor on this show, but last night he was just bad. Maybe it’s because this feels like the 100th time he’s had to play some variation of “I’m so obsessed with my job that I’ve alienated all those around me”, but I found him to be distractingly over-the-top in this episode.

He’s still obsessed with finding the carnival and he enlisted Parkman’s help in tracking down Vanessa (Kate Vernon of “Battlestar Galactica), Samuel’s love. Parkman had settled into a comfortable life of watching Pixar movies (“Ratatouille” shout out) with his kid and the wife who barely seems like she can stand him.

As you can imagine, it didn’t take much for Bennett to convince Parkman to come along on a side mission. They got SOME info from Vanessa (she’d grown up with Samuel in the house he sinkholed into the ground and I’m assuming the cello Samuel gave Emma belonged to Vanessa) before Samuel and his replicating henchman showed up and whisked her away. For some reason, Vanessa was less than charmed by Samuel’s kidnapping, but he still thinks he can win her over. (In a related story, I’m doubtful he can win me over this season.)

Meanwhile, Parkman told Bennett to go home and try being a dad. He stopped by Claire’s dorm to make up with her and went home to make out with Lauren right before the Three Amigos popped in. At least it’s nice to see some of our core characters getting together again.

In the episode’s other storyline, the new best actor on the show (Milo Ventimiglia) had to deal with some hideously awesome dialogue. It looks like Peter will soon be drawn into the carnival. The compass tattoo appeared on his arm after Lydia once again expressed her desire for new leadership. Peter was later drawn to Emma after she played her magic cello and brought him to her apartment. (Booty call?)

While in Emma’s apartment (which magically turned into Peter’s apartment because Angela showed up a few moments later), Ventimiglia had to say things like, “My friend almost died because of a compass Just. Like. This.” Actually, my personal favorite was later on – after borrowing his mom’s power and seeing that Emma’s cello playing in the hall of mirrors was going to lead to about a 1,000 deaths – he went over to Emma’s place, said “Hi” and smashed the cello. (Just terrific.)

So now it appears like Emma will hook up again with Samuel in the carnival and that he’ll hook her up with another cello so that he can, um, kill 1,000 people. (If I actually cared about what Samuel was doing, I’d be even more frustrated.) Meanwhile, it appears Peter will be recruited to lead the carnie folk, while Sylar may be positioned as the only person who can save the world.

Whether or not you agree with the direction of the show at least this season is going…somewhere. Hopefully, there’ll be more fun episodes like this one along the way.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Hiro’s brain tumor supposed to be gone? (I didn’t totally get that impression.) Is Matt Parkman a coward? (“Coward” is strong – I think of him more as wimpy than cowardly.) Finally, where the heck is Tracy? (Not that I miss her or anything – just asking.)

American Idol: Boston V Party

I’d hate to start my first recap of the ninth season of “American Idol” by talking about the judges because one of the worst trends on this show in recent years has been the increased belief by Randy, Paula, Kara and Simon that this show is all about them.

But this show is REALLY going to miss Simon.

The show opened with a montage showing some of last season’s country-dividing Kris Allen/Adam Lambert showdown, but mostly served as a recap for all the upheaval at the judges’ table.

More importantly, the highlight of last night’s episode was, arguably, a quick throwaway moment by Simon. In trying to discourage anime-loving nutjob Mere Doyle that she should give up her singing aspirations, he said “I would love to fly to the moon, but I can’t (perfectly-timed pause). Actually, I could.”

Of course, the problem with the previous paragraph is that my favorite moment of the evening had NOTHING to do with amazing (or amazingly bad) singing.

I don’t even feel like I can blame the editors on this one – I didn’t see a single person in the Boston auditions that would make me want to get off my couch, walk over to the basket that holds my cell phone, and vote.

That’s not to say I couldn’t see any of the Boston auditioners cracking the final group. I’m actually pretty good about separating my personal feelings from what is actually happening.

For example, I wasn’t nearly as wowed by Ashley Rodriguez as the judges were. I thought her take on “If I Ain’t Got You” paled in comparison to the original (as pretty much every take of that song does) and I found her completely generic. However, I can objectively see that she is a pretty (and VERY telegenic) girl who made Kara come the closest to whipping out her go-to “package artist” comment.

In the men’s division, it’s not too difficult to imagine Justin Williams cracking the top 12 (or 10 or whatever it ends up being). He’s got the looks, the sob story (he’s beaten cancer) and the voice, even if his take on “Feeling Good” was WAY overdone and slightly wimpy, in my opinion.

Speaking of sob stories, too many of last night’s hopefuls were overshadowed by their pre-performance packages. Then again, seeing as how almost all of them made it through to Hollywood, maybe it’s a good thing that they had compelling stories to cover up their suspect singing.

I’m thinking about Maddy Curtis (whose family adopted several kids with Down Syndrome), Tyler Grady (who broke both wrists falling out of a tree) and Katie Stevens (whose grandmother has Alzheimer’s). Maddy is good, but a little green, Tyler was surprisingly good, but Kara seemed more preoccupied with his tight jeans, and Katie – well, ok, Katie was actually pretty good singing “At Last” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t get emotional like Seacrest when she called her grandma to tell her the good news.

In the absence of truly spectacular singers, the judges also seemed to let through people just because they liked them. I’m thinking about “Sopranos” reject Amadeo Diricco (his personality really IS better than his voice) and Mike Davis (brave captain of the Codzilla saddled with a forgettable name and a forgettable performance).

Then again, a few of my favorite singers from Tuesday night didn’t exactly set the world on fire vocally. The judges bagged on Bosa Mora and Leah Laurenti for their lack of confidence, but I thought they were both kind of terrific when they were singing. (Afterwards, when they were talking – not as much.) Of course, my objective eye tells me that it’s not a good thing that Bosa was completely overshadowed by his mom’s bright orange head wrap and that Leah simply doesn’t possess the “package artist” look someone like Ashley does. Then there was Jennifer Hirsch, who I have no idea whether she’s any good or not, but who I REALLY dug simply because she chose to audition with a jazzy version of “Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead.”

Unfortunately, even the delusional losers weren’t particularly inspired.

For example, the segment featuring Janet McNamara, the season’s first person to audition, played more like a commercial for the “American Idol” videogame. In a related story, apparently only Simon is allowed to talk in the videogame. (Maybe the videogame is better.) Janet called Kara “Paula” and was promptly sent on her way (hopefully to put on a shirt that covers her entire stomach).

I also would’ve found the Andrew Fenlon experience more entertaining if I weren’t thoroughly convinced that the guy was some sort of actor pretending to be a freak. (Or a freak knowingly playing up his freakiness for the camera.) The guy — who looked like Superman as a serial killer (or Michael Ian Black) — was really annoyed about having to wait very long and came in to audition with a really bad attitude. Apparently, Andrew’s entire purpose was to have someone that Kara could tell off (Bikini Girl 2), although her reprimand was more confusing (“You need a spanking”) than effective.

So what’d you think of this episode? What WAS Tyler doing up in that tree? Did you see a potential “Idol” in Boston? Finally, what’d you think of Victoria Beckham (pictured, right)? (She was ok – she didn’t say anything offensively stupid, but she didn’t really add anything either. Having her stand up to Simon late into the second hour was too little too late.)

John's Top 10 TV Shows of 2009

If you think this is late, allow me to point out the fact that I didn’t get around to publishing my “Top 10 Shows of 2008” until Feb. 16, 2009.

Who knows? If I keep this trend going, I may actually have my “Top 10” list for 2010 ready in, well, 2010!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Instead, let’s look back at the year that was in television. And if you haven’t gotten your fill of reminiscing quite yet, be on the lookout for my top 10 movies of 2009 (which I usually publish around Oscar time once I’ve had a chance to see as many of the awards contenders as I can) and my top 10 movies of the decade (which I plan to finish up…sometime…maybe even this year).

Before we get to the main event, let’s recognize some shows outside the top 10. (Also, apologies to show I haven’t gotten around to watching, which include “Dexter”, “True Blood”, “Big Love”, and anything on CBS.)

WORST SHOW OF THE YEAR

Scrubs: Ok, I realize “Scrubs” is probably not REALLY the worst show of the year. However, given the fact that it’s gone from one of my favorite shows of all time, to a show that declined significantly in quality before rallying to finish strong, (that beautiful finale with J.D. leaving the hospital) to a show that I absolutely cannot stand to watch anymore (Kerry Bishe IS terrible), it gets my nod as the worst of the year. Trust me – this hurts me more than it hurts you.

BEST SHOW THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST SHOW OF THE YEAR

Glee: Is there a more uneven show on TV? The good: some of the best zingers in primetime (most of them delivered by Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester), the mix of unabashed cheesiness with razor sharp satire (the scene in “Sectionals” with the TOTALLY oblivious judges was an instant classic!) The bad: too often this show has downright terrible pacing (it felt like it took YEARS to get to Sectionals and some of the obstacles were laughable in a bad way) and plotting (let me get this straight: we’re SUPPOSED to root for our protagonist to ditch his wife? Also, he went entire months without touching her stomach?!) Still, the cast is too good and the show is too unique for me to stop watching.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cougar Town: It seems like creator Bill Lawrence packed up all the funny from “Scrubs” and brought it over to “Cougar Town”, where (an occasionally grating, but ultimately winning) Courtney Cox leads a pretty great, appealing little ensemble.

Jersey Shore: It’s as funny (at times even intentionally!) as any sitcom in primetime and introduced the world to the likes of Snooki and “The Situation” (perhaps the best nickname ever). MTV clearly gave up the idea of having anything to do with music years ago. I suppose the least they can do is put on a show that’s more entertaining than the last 10 “Real Worlds” combined. Actually, the only reason I don’t put it in my top 10 is because I can’t have “Jersey Shore” AND my #10 show of the year on my “Best of” list because I don’t want to lose all credibility. I’m comfortable losing only MOST of my credibility. (Oh, good point - I never HAD any credibility.)

THE TOP 10

10. Celebrity Apprentice: Yes, I realize this is trash. I also know that this is the show that inspired the most spirited debate in my home. (That probably says more about my home than the quality of the show.) Dennis Rodman was revealed to be an alcoholic. Tom Green was revealed to be one of the saner celebs. Clint Black was revealed to be a dick. Most importantly, you were either on Team Annie Duke or you were wrong. (Bring it on, Team Rivers!)

9. Men of a Certain Age: One good thing about not compiling this list until now is that this show snuck on there at the last minute. Star/producer Ray Romano proves to be a surprisingly effective dramatic actor, Scott Bakula’s likability makes his scoundrel 100 times more palatable and Andre Braugher will be in the running for his third Emmy if enough people pay attention to this show. Braugher is EXCELLENT as one of the titular men coping with the various indignities of middle age with a perfect mix of humor and honesty.

8. 30 Rock: Other than a few wrinkles — I like Cheyenne Jackson as the new Canadian cast member — this show is pretty much the same. Liz Lemon (aka Lesbian Yellow Sourfruit) is still unlucky in love, Jack Donaghy is still simultaneously trying to run GE and keep it from going under, and Tracy and Jenna are still immaturely making Liz’s life a living hell. Then again, if I were Tina Fey and my show was an awards magnet (including the last three Emmys for Best Comedy Series), I probably wouldn’t change too much either

7. Ugly Betty: When you weren’t watching (i.e. Friday nights) this show got REALLY good again. The show has used interesting new pairings (Daniel/Marc, Amanda/Claire) to spice things up, but the most important change was having the title character grow up. Betty Suarez now has a new job (associate features editor) and a new wardrobe (now more stylish than garish), but remains the likable center for all the craziness at Mode magazine.

6. The Office: Well this is kind of a precipitous fall for what I often call “the best show on TV.” Sure, it remains one of the best comedies on the air today, but I feel by having its most lovable characters grow up (Jim and Pam) the show has sacrificed some of the funny in season 6. (Let’s agree to not mention “Mafia” again.) Still, there’s plenty to love. The acting is still top-notch and the Michael Scott Paper Company storyline from the spring was a winner (as was the recent “Niagara” wedding episode.) On top of that, I commend the sitcom for (unlike “30 Rock”) taking a chance and having its characters grow up. (Jim now knows that being a boss is MUCH harder than it looks, but I hope John Krasinski gets to be funny again soon.)

5. Parks and Recreation: If you had told me that one day I would be ranking this show above “The Office” after it debuted this past spring, I would’ve told you that was crazy talk. (Unless I was ranking crappiest crap I’ve seen recently.) Still, when it came back in the fall, Amy Poehler was allowed to do more than just give a second-rate Michael Scott impersonation and the rest of the terrific, likable cast fell into place. This wins my “Most Improved” award.

4. Friday Night Lights: Now I haven’t seen any of season 4 (currently airing on Direct TV), so this ranking is for season 3, which gave a couple of original characters (Jason Street and Smash Williams) emotional and fitting farewells, expertly incorporated some new blood into the fold (D.W. Moffett was an outstanding bastard as Joe McCoy) and, oh yeah, gave us a game-changing turn of events at the end (Coach Taylor is fired by Dillon High School and takes over the hard-scrabble East Dillon program). All the while Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton continue to be the most likable (fictional) couple on TV.

3. Mad Men: I was a little dubious at the start (things were moving slowly and Don seemed to learn NOTHING), but the third season of “Mad Men” quickly kicked into overdrive with style and plenty of excitement. Of course, this being “Mad Men”, this excitement was probably more understated and stately than most people would’ve preferred, but the beautiful directing, writing and acting kept me on the edge of my seat. (Jon Hamm acted his ASS off in the scene where Betty confronts Don about his drawer.)

2. Lost: Sure, it seemed at times that a physics degree was required to follow everything that was happening in the drama’s time-travel heavy fifth season. (The show was self-aware about its complexity yet refused to talk down to its audience.) Then, the same thing that always happens to me with this show happened again. I was absolutely drawn in by the biggest and best cast in primetime (Josh Holloway particularly stepped up this year) who made their characters come to life to the point that it didn’t matter that I couldn’t always follow what was happening – I wanted to follow this group of people to the very end. And the show certainly set up that final season in a hell of a terrific way!

1. Modern Family: When I saw the pilot, I said it was the best comedy pilot I’d seen in years. Since the show has actually gotten better since then, I haven’t stopped laughing. The cast is fantastic (especially Ed O’Neill, Eric Stonestreet and Ty Burrell, TV’s next great dumbass) and the writing is both warm and sharp. Still, my favorite thing about “Modern Family” is that it doesn’t resort to using any gimmicks. It’s not interested in being overly ironic or hip, it’s not interested in being overly dark or shocking to show how edgy it is. Even the sentimental moments rarely veer off into Velveeta territory. The writers do an incredible job in finding the comedy in a group of people who care for each other and bringing us a show that’s both 100% current and a bit of a throwback.

Jersey Shore: Toe to Toe

My biggest (TV-related) regret of the past year was not writing a recap for “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

(I’ll pause 10 minutes so you can laugh at and judge me. You done? Ok, welcome back.)

I obviously watch a LOT of TV. Most of it is good, but some of it is absolute trash. Yet, for one reason or another “Celebrity Apprentice” was one of a handful of shows that me and my girlfriend Erica would ABSOLUTELY have to watch live. (And if we went out on Sunday night and came back at 11, we’d fire up the DVR and watch the two-hour episode before we went to bed.)

This is no small feat for me because, thanks to DVR, I’m becoming more and more notorious for watching shows a few days after they air and churning out ridiculously out of date columns and reviews. (Coming sometime in 2010: my “Avatar” review!)

I’m telling you that to tell you this – “Jersey Shore” is the new “Celebrity Apprentice”!

We know it’s bad for us, but we can’t stop watching – and laughing. I considered starting a “Celebrity Apprentice” recap midway through last season, but I didn’t want to jump in halfway through. “Jersey Shore” is simply too good of an opportunity to miss.

In case you’ve been living under the rock, the show follows seven (good riddance, Angelina!) self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes (the show taught me the latter was a real term) as they live in the Seaside Heights portion of the Jersey Shore.

Since we’re joining this program in progress, I’m going to assume you have some working knowledge about what happened in the first five episodes and jump right into episode 6.

In a desperate bid to give Vinny some semblance of a storyline (that didn’t involve the words “pink” and “eye”), we were left last week with the cliffhanger of Vinny “hooking up” with a cougar-iffic woman who turned out to be Danny the boss’s/landlord’s lady friend. Sure, we’ve seen that Danny can be a bit of a hard-ass (the way he tossed out Angelina), but we’ve also seen that he’s a fair and reasonable guy (Angelina deserved it).

Anyway, I was glad to see this bit of obviously trumped-up drama defused quickly. Danny busted Vinny’s chops and the whole incident was over in a hurry. (I mean it was REALLY over, since we didn’t even glimpse the cougar-iffic woman again). Since this was the first “Vinny-centric” episode (hopefully as “Vinny-centric” as this show will get) we also met what appeared to be every single member of his family. To be honest, my favorite Vinny moment of the night was when he got a look at The Situation’s sister, saw how much they looked alike (it WAS freaky!) and simply said, “I wasn’t into it.” (Another thing Vinny wasn’t into – the “gym, tan, laundry” mantra of his roommates. How did Vinny get on this show?!)

Speaking of The Situation – perhaps the most compelling reality show character I’ve ever seen – it’s becoming abundantly clear that he’s a lover and NOT a fighter.

Now, I usually don’t get too excited about sequels, but when I saw we were in for a follow up to the “Grenade” drama, I was giddy! In case you missed it, I’ll let The Situation explain it: “When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.” Pauly D — who is probably my favorite character, but is DEFINITELY Erica’s favorite — was forced to take the “Grenade” last time, despite the fact that he wasn’t too fond of his date for the evening. (“My girl was f---ing busted!”)

As with most sequels, part two was bigger in scale. I mean, it was LITERALLY bigger. Not only was the girl from the original incident back (and once again preventing Mike from hooking up with the girl he actually wants), but they brought along an even bigger, angrier girl who ended up charging Snooki “like a hippo” and smacking her in the face when Snickers tried to throw them out of the house. (The Situation, of course, had the line of the night when he said the bigger girls must’ve smelled the food coming from the house.)

Of course, the more important issue is that The Situation appears to have partly instigated another issue that escalated into a fight, before curiously staying on the fringes of the action. Of course, his genius is that you can’t really stay mad at him. Shortly after “Grenade 2”, Mike and Snooki were horsing around. Then again, Snooki probably just wants him to keep cooking for her.

The evening’s main storyline, however, was the emotional rollercoaster ride that is the relationship between Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart. I mean, Jon and Kate think these two should chill out.

After ducking out of yet another group outing early, Sammi became enraged at Ronnie after he made a joke about her gigantic “Flintstone” big toe on their cab ride home. This is as real as reality TV gets. I mean, who hasn’t been here? You’re joking around with a friend or significant other and then one person crosses that (invisible) line and all of a sudden there’s arguing and crying.

At first, I was happy that Ronnie stood up to Sammi (who’s been a MAJOR drama queen the past few weeks), but he eventually caved the way all guys cave. Ronnie ended up apologizing for his completely insignificant insult while Sammi wasn’t shown apologizing for the truly horrible things she said to Ronnie (that he was “f---ing lame” and that he was dead to her).

Still, it was obvious to everybody (especially the ever-perceptive and spiky-haired Pauly D) that Ronnie just wasn’t right. After Snooki confronted the couple about the way they’ve isolated themselves (which they have), they proved her point by bolting yet again. Unfortunately, this time they ran into a world-class instigator who saw the MTV cameras and REALLY wanted to be on TV.

Now, I like Ronnie. I thought he was going to be a one-dimensional ‘roider, but he’s proven surprisingly bright and self-aware. That’s probably the reason why I feel like I’m giving him a bit of a pass on his fight in the boardwalk. Obviously, he shouldn’t have pushed Sammi (even if it was to keep from agitating the instigator), but the guy was just obviously not in the right frame of mind throughout this entire episode yet basically did everything he could to avoid the fight.

Of course, he went home and eventually made up with Sammi. Methinks he’s probably second-guessing himself for breaking his own rule about not falling in love on the Jersey Shore.

So what’d you think of this episode? What is it about Snooki that makes people want to hit her in the face? Has Sammi been a gigantic pain-in-the-ass lately, a victim of reality-show editing or totally cool these past few weeks? What was J-WOWW up to for most of this episode? Finally, will we EVER see The Situation close the deal with any of the girls he brings back to the house?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: The Award Goes To...

As “Nip/Tuck” nears its ultimate end, I suppose the time was right for the show to go back to the beginning.

And I’m not just talking about the show literally going back to its origins and showing us how Sean and Christian first met. I’m talking about an episode that harkened back to the time when people could still make a case that this show was a serious drama by showing restraint (well, what passes for restraint on THIS show anyway) and focusing heavily on the past, present and future of its two main characters.

(Ok, so there was that mile-high sexcapade between Sean and the weirdly aggressive chocolatier, but this is still “Nip/Tuck” and those types of shenanigans simply can’t be avoided – and are expected.)

The episode opened with a bang – as in Sean banging a sledgehammer against a pretty marble wall and destroying an important-looking trophy called the Albert Poland award.

The events leading up to Sean’s destructive redecorating job were revealed afterwards. Apparently, ALL the financial problems from season 6 are gone (I don’t mind, they were a drag anyway) and McNamara/Troy are rolling in cash. Cue the new female designer who Christian is almost-certainly banging. (Obviously, it turned out he was.)

Still, Sean and Christian were mostly glowing after being awarded the prestigious Albert Poland award by the University of Miami.

Before they flew back to accept the prize, they had to deal with patient of the week, Dan Daly. I have to hand it to the show’s writers – they keep digging deeper and deeper and coming up with truly fascinating, scary, freaky, interesting afflictions for their patients.

Dan suffered from a neurological disease (which I have no chance of spelling correctly) that makes him prone to angry outbursts and causes him to mutilate himself. The life expectancy for people with his affliction is 45 (watching this guy, I thought to myself, “That high?!”) and Dan had just turned 46.

Of course, this (and what he saw as a lifetime achievement award) caused Sean to re-evaluate his life, specifically his first meeting with Christian. (“We Belong Together” in the soundtrack was a nice touch.)

This is the part of my recap where I stop and applaud the actors who played the younger versions of Sean and Christian. (ESPECIALLY Andrew J. West as young Christian, who we knew was a douche because he had a popped collar.)

The flashbacks would’ve been amusing on their own, but they actually revealed new information about the characters. Sure, Sean and Christian have referenced their college days repeatedly in the past, and we could all deduce that Sean basically carried Christian through med school, but I was surprised to learn that Christian deliberately sabotaged Sean and kept him from getting into Harvard out of fear of losing him (and his coattails).

The sabotage itself is not surprising, and neither is the fact that Sean ultimately (wimpily?) forgave his friend. I was surprised to realize that Christian’s destructive shenanigans went back THAT far. If you subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life sucks (I personally think he can be a bit of a stick in the mud and I can appreciate that Christian loosens him up), then you could make the case that Christian helped ruin his life. (Though I agree with Christian in that Sean needs to take some responsibility for himself.)

However, I don’t subscribe to the notion that Sean’s life is COMPLETELY horrible. He’s a hot-shot, successful plastic surgeon in L.A. and, for better or worse, (ok, mostly worse) he couldn’t have gotten there without Christian. That symbiotic relationship has been the show’s major theme and, thus far, it’s been impossible for Sean to break.

I mean, even after it was revealed that Christian essentially bought the Albert Poland award, Sean (and I) couldn’t be 100% mad at the guy because he did it for Sean. (He thought the legitimacy of the award might make him feel better about his work.) Although Sean and Christian had a nice, touching scene at the end, it still feels like the two will go their separate ways by the end of the series. I haven’t decided whether that’s what I want to see, but I’m interested to see how the writers handle it either way.

Of course, Christian’s major problem is that his affection for Sean doesn’t extend to anyone else in his life. Apparently, Christian and Kimber are now married, but that didn’t stop Christian from impregnating the decorator. (That vasectomy was WAY overdue.) I thought Kelly Carlson did some strong work towards the end of last season, so I hope she isn’t stuck playing Christian’s fool for very long.

So what’d you think of this episode? How much of Matt and (shudder) Julia are you hoping to see in the final season? Finally, would you like this season to be more serious like this episode or more crazypants, like the last few years?

Heroes: Good Grief

“Heroes” came back this week from its month-long break, and I’m here to report that it’s…still not very good.

If you had told me going in that these two hours would have a 0% Mohinder/Parkman content (well 1% if you count the opening narration), I would’ve been giddy. Despite this happy development, the show’s laughably-bad writing and uninspired storytelling still outweigh the good.

I also wish I knew the show is SO intent on having the audience hate Hiro.

I mean, did Masi Oka not buy the show’s writing staff a nice enough gift after season 1? I guess they didn’t feel having him, literally, act like a child a while back wasn’t embarrassing enough, so they had to make him act like a moron.

It seems a combination of Hiro’s brain tumor and whatever Samuel’s dreadlocked friend did to him have scrambled his brain to the point where he’s regurgitating everything he ever learned from pop culture (more specifically Sherlock Holmes, “Star Wars” and Don Quixote). (Audible sigh) I’m just going to look on the bright side and praise the fact that the writers found a way to reincorporate Ando – he was the only one who could decipher Hiro’s ramblings – since the character hasn’t done a damn thing this year. It turns out that Hiro was trying to convey that they need to break Mohinder out of that mental institution in Florida (why Florida?), but since we saw the trio escaping at the end of last month’s fall finale, this whole exercise felt especially tedious and pointless. Also tedious and pointless? Bringing back Mohinder!

A good portion of the first hour followed yet another of Samuel’s recruiting trips. (He should’ve just recruited her when he made his pitch to Peter and saved gas.) Fortunately, he went to visit a character we’ve already met and who has the potential to play a larger role in the season’s main storyline. (Which NEEDS to get tightened and focused in a hurry.)

Samuel informed Emma that she could not only see sound, but that when she played the cello (that he sent), she could draw other people with abilities to her like a siren’s song. (Since young Molly Walker has apparently been written out of this show, having another character with the ability to locate people is mighty convenient.) Samuel used Emma to recruit a hobo who looked like Ricky Williams when he was REALLY into pot. Fortunately, the hobo cleaned up well and used his Miracle-Gro powers to seemingly build Samuel’s dream homeland for people with abilities.

Except that the show is obsessed with keeping Samuel firmly entrenched in the gray zone. I mean, honestly – would it be so bad if Samuel’s ONLY ambition was to build this homeland for his people? Sure, the character would still be part-villain (since he’s willing to kill for his goal), but at least his goal would be relatively pure.

Instead, we keep getting fed information that suggests Samuel is just a power-hungry tyrant. If that wasn’t enough, it now seems that another one of his goals is to reconnect with Vanessa, the love of his life who was referenced in a flashback sequence that featured his brother Joseph (who was much jerkier as a young boy.)

Anyway, just when Claire had decided that Samuel was a bad guy after some prodding from Lydia (I was pretty impressed by Dawn Olivieri in these two episodes – I hope they use her more), Samuel reveals his homeland valley and she’s back on-board with the carnival crew. So to recap, just when Claire was about to do something, she doesn’t. Which leaves us (the audience) nowhere. Then again, good on Claire for being able to overlook the fact that the Replicating Man (hey, his name is Eli!) spent most of that first hour stalking and terrorizing her under Samuel’s orders.

Then again, maybe the reason I’m annoyed about Samuel being stuck in the gray zone is because that’s basically what ruined Sylar’s character. Let’s be honest here – didn’t we like him more when he was all bad? Did we need to learn his sad back story (over and over and over again)? I LOVED that he showed up at the carnival ready to eat up some powers, but having him be “impotent” seemed like another gratuitous delay solely for storyline purposes. (It's probably bad that I was disappointed when Sylar did NOT kill him, right?)

Then I thought about it some more, and I appreciated the fact that the show was actually exploring what Hiro had told Sylar in the Texas flashback (that he was going to die alone). Unfortunately, I then started thinking about what sad shape “Heroes” is in that I’m actually delightfully impressed when this show displays ANY sort of continuity and I got sad again. Oh well, at least there was some shirtless Sylar for the ladies.

I realize I seem to be doing a lot of complaining (because I am), so here’s something good. I though the show’s transition from the first hour (ending with Claire getting the call about Nathan’s death) to the second (Nathan’s unnecessarily slow-mo funeral and wake) was very well done. I also thought having the flyover during Nathan’s burial was an excellent touch for our favorite flyboy senator. (I’ll even overlook the silliness of having Nathan’s illegitimate daughter make a dramatic entrance, while his ex-wife and kids get the long-distance camera shot treatment – come on, Rena Sofer, make a cameo!)

I’m also still digging Milo Ventimiglia’s Peter Petrelli this season. He basically did everything he could to get himself killed to avoid grieving. Sure, the hostage situation was COMPLETELY silly and very poorly staged, but Ventimiglia and Hayden Panetierre had some nice moments together. It was particularly nice to see the two bring up Claire’s ex-boyfriend West because I thought all characters were under strict orders to pretend like season 2 never happened.

Unfortunately, I don’t see Peter getting over this any time soon. Is anyone else feeling a special appearance by ghost Nathan telling Pete to let him go down the line?

So what’d you think of this episode? Why was there a stool in the Hall of Mirrors? (Think about it.) Will Noah and Lauren be able to find the carnival on their own since Edgar took off? (I’m actually liking them as a team.) Finally, what do you think Sylar’s wants with Claire?

NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks

This basically looks like one big rerun.

Each of the four playoff matchups this weekend are rematches of regular season contests. Three out of those four games took place just last week!

The big difference, of course, is that all the teams involved in this Saturday’s Wild Card weekend playoff games will actually be trying. (Why even show up to the stadium, Arizona?) I’m also a fan of rematches because I’m curious to see whether the team that lost the first time will be vengeful enough to overcome the winning team’s confidence.

With the regular season over (I finished with a decent 152-91 record overall), I’m wiping the slate clean. Let’s jump right into these playoff games, ok?

N.Y. JETS @ BENGALS
This is the first matchup, and it’s the toughest one of the weekend for me to call.

First of all, I actually believe the Bengals were trying to win that Sunday night game in the beginning (despite resting Cedric Benson) – the only problem was that the Jets absolutely dominated them. The Jets are a nightmare of a matchup for the Bengals, who can’t throw the ball downfield (and may be missing Chad Johnson) to open up the running game.

But do I REALLY want to take a rookie QB (a shaky, turnover-prone rookie QB, at that) on the road in his first playoff game? I actually like Sanchez (despite that pathetic wisp of a playoff beard he’s had going on the last few weeks, pictured, left), so I think I do.

PHILADELPHIA @ DALLAS
The Cowboys look great, there’s no way around that fact. You’ve been roped in, haven’t you? Now there’s actually talk of picking up Wade Phillips’ option and maybe giving him an extension. You’re officially sucked in. I feel bad for you.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND
This makes no logical sense (especially with the Patriots losing WR Wes Welker), but I’m just completely out of love with the Ravens. They always seem to underperform and beat themselves when they play anyone who’s any good. Also, don’t the Patriots usually just find a way?

GREEN BAY @ ARIZONA
I’m not falling for you “stumbling into the playoffs before going on a hot streak” act anymore. Nice try, Cardinals.