Tangled Review

By now, everyone knows that Disney movies are for everybody, right?

I would also think it’s common knowledge that even Disney “princess movies” — especially the modern musicals of the 1990’s — aren’t just for 10-year-old girls. (At least, that’s what I tell myself as a way to justify me knowing all the words to the songs in “The Little Mermaid.”)

“Tangled”, the latest attempt by Disney (after “The Princess and the Frog”) to revitalize that genre, is no exception.

In case you hadn’t heard, it’s the tale of Rapunzel (Mandy Moore), the princess with the ridiculously long hair who lives an isolated life in an impossibly high tower and under the thumb of her wicked, adoptive Mother Gothel (Donna Murphy).

The reason the movie is called “Tangled” and not “Rapunzel” is because the princess shares equal billing with Flynn Rider (Zachary Levi, who actually narrates the movie), a handsome, smoldering, self-absorbed thief who discovers Rapunzel and introduces her to the outside world.

As I spent so much time establishing in the first few paragraphs, this fast and funny movie has a little something for everybody.

Rapunzel proves a worthy successor to the Disney princesses before her by being a strong (but vulnerable) and independent role model for young girls.

Meanwhile, Flynn Rider (with an assist from the vain Mother Gothel and a truly relentless soldier-horse) handles the heavy lifting for everyone else in the audience by bringing a solid amount of humor to the proceedings. (Those Wanted posters just can’t get his nose right!)

For fans of eye-catching visuals, directors Nathan Greno and Byron Howard (“Bolt”) have made the fairy-tale story of Rapunzel jump off the page with backgrounds that make the forest look like a painting come to life and witty/lively action sequences.

I wish I could say the same for the movie’s music.

The thoroughly forgettable songs by Alan Menken (there’s “Mother Knows Best” and, um, the pretty one during the lantern scene) are emblematic of the movie’s disposable quality. Like “Tangled”, the songs work in the moment, but slip away from your memory as soon as they’re over. This is especially disappointing coming from the man who provided the music for new animated classics like “The Little Mermaid”, “Beauty and the Beast”, and “Aladdin.” (In case you think I’m living in the past, I also thought Menken’s work for “Enchanted” was far superior and memorable.)

While the movie is fun and entertaining, the main problem is that I completely forgot about it the next day.

Tangled…B

Desperate Housewives: Liver Free or Die

When the “big” reveal at the end of your episode is the return of a seventh-tier character that no one missed, cared for, or would’ve recognized if you hadn’t panned to his picture…that’s when you know you’ve just seen a particularly terrible episode of “Desperate Housewives.”

(I paused my “Dexter” mini-marathon for this?!)

Sorry in advance if I come off as harsh, but this latest installment of “Desperate Housewives” was particularly unacceptable after last week’s encouraging episode. Basically, the show squandered any momentum it built up last week.

I’ll try to keep it short because I don’t want to waste your time the way this episode the time of anyone who watched it:

- As predicted, Lynette continued her inexplicably immature (and just downright inexplicable) punishment of Tom for his one-night affair with Renee 20 years ago by playing a series of pranks on him. Doug Savant’s gift for physical comedy helped sell some of this stuff (although that tumble down his steps could’ve killed Tom), but there was just no reason for any of this to be happening.

The only good part of this fiasco was the fact that Lynette and Tom seemed to patch this nonesense up by the end of the episode after they made the controversial decision to talk about it as adults, and after Tom reminded Lynette of the wonderful life they’d built together. (Cut to Penny almost eating a laxative-laced brownie.)

- I used to joke about Teri Hatcher pissing off the writers because of the more embarrassing storylines Susan has gotten over the years. Well whatever Teri Hatcher did to the writers, Eva Longoria Parker must’ve done something 10 times worse.

Not only has Gabrielle been portrayed as a relentlessly bad mother for much of this season (ignoring Juanita, conspiring to have Grace’s mother taken away by immigration officers before changing her mind), but now she’s saddled with a cold bastard of a husband and a crazy doll fixation.

Last night, Grace lookalike “Princess Valerie” (who can jump off cliffs = lol) was discovered and torn apart by Gabby’s daughters, who were the victims of another crazed rant. That outburst was almost as crazy (but much less weirdly endearing) than Gabby’s conversation with the woman from the doll store, who has her own special relationship with one of her dolls.

Overall, NOT a good year for Eva Longoria Parker.

- Speaking of Teri Hatcher, things aren’t really looking up in the “Kidney Now” front. Julie isn’t a match, but it was thought that maybe Susan’s mom Sophie (guest star Leslie Ann Warren, pictured, right) would step up to the plate. I’m guessing Susan’s Aunt Claire (Valerie Harper) was unofficially disqualified because the show established her as a major lush.

Sophie seemed weirdly unwilling to part with her liver, so we knew something was up. Eventually, Claire told Susan that Sophie is battling breast cancer and didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to belittle Susan’s current ailment. The scene between mother and daughter (great job by whoever cast Warren, since the two look freakishly alike) was touching, but it was frustrating to see a lack of forward momentum on a downer of a storyline that we know, in all likelihood, is probably going to be solved at some point.

- Remember how Orson declared his love for Bree for last week and announced that he wasn’t going to stop trying to get her back? Neither did the show.

Instead Bree’s energy was focused on pleasing her priest (I can’t remember if his name was Pastor Blackmail or Father Guilt Trip) by reaching out to Beth Young, the troubled woman with the troubled hairstyle. (According to Renee.)

That led to a disastrous get-together in which Beth found a gun (just like the one that shot her husband) under a pillow on Bree’s couch.

Beth accused the women of trying to frame her (since her fingerprints are now on the gun), the women accused Beth of planting the gun herself (to blame one of them), and everyone at home rolled their eyes because it was painfully obvious that the sketchy delivery guy is the one who planted it.

- That brings us to the return of Zach Young. Obviously, none of the stuff I said in the previous paragraph has been confirmed. However, I’m willing to bet fake Internet money that Zach is the one who shot his unpopular dad for reasons that are yet to be determined.

Then again, the show might REALLY surprise us and have Zach do something completely unrelated. (Remember, Mike is his biological dad, and Zach once stalked Gabrielle once upon a time.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think Zach is the one who shot Paul Young? Do you care? Finally, what’s your doll’s story?

NFL 2011 Wild Card Round Picks

The regular season is over and it’s time to wipe the slate clean!

That’s the cliché, isn’t it? Everyone’s 0-0 now.

Well, that’s good for me because I finished the regular season with a less than spectacular 125-101 record, but hey…that’s good enough to dominate the NFC West. (Ba-dum-ching!)

I have to run out to work on this Wild Card Saturday, so let me sneak in these picks for the first weekend of the postseason.

NEW ORLEANS @ SEATTLE
For the past week, all I’ve heard is people talking themselves into believing that the Seahawks won’t get crushed. (Not that they’ll actually win…just that they won’t get crushed.) Qwest Field is an incredibly loud place to play. The cross-country trip is rough for New Orleans. The rain should will a damper Drew Brees and the vaunted Saints offense. Matt Hasselbeck is really good at reading blitzes. The Saints can’t win without a running game.

I actually agree with the last one. The loss of Saints RBs Chris Ivory and Pierre Thomas will keep the Saints from winning the Super Bowl. However, it will NOT keep them from beating the sorry Seahawks by more than two scores. Did you see how the Rams/Seahawks game turned into a depressing field goal war after that first possession? Don’t overthink this one people!

N.Y. JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS
Watching last year’s AFC Championship game between these two teams, two things stood out. 1.) How painful it was for anyone rooting for the Jets to see Peyton Manning masterfully figure out what the Jets were doing on defense in the second half, and proceed to dissect them and 2.) Colts star WR Reggie Wayne was pretty much invisible in that game, leading Manning to pick on the Jets’ other corner (RIP Lito Sheppard’s career) and Pierre Garcon to catch 11 balls for 150 yards.

Now the Jets have Antonio Cromartie as “the other corner”, who can be beat, but is a HUGE upgrade over Sheppard. I know Manning has dissected Rex Ryan defenses in his career, but I think the Jets defense will do enough to keep the Colts in check. (Meaning in the 20s.) The matchup no one’s talking about is the Jets offense against the Colts defense. We haven’t really heard boo from the Jets running game recently, so I think the Jets would be well-served to have Mark Sanchez (pictured, left, possibly about to turn the ball over) throw early and often to get him comfortable in the game. Add to that the Jets’ strong road record (the team and their fans seem to get anxious at home when things don’t go well), and I’m feeling a Jets upset.

BALTIMORE @ KANSAS CITY
I’ll keep this one much shorter. I LOVE Kansas City’s home field advantage, but I just don’t remember them beating anyone good this year. (Sorry, beating the Chargers in week 1 doesn’t count.)

This just in: Baltimore is good — even REALLY good when they want to be, so they should be able to handle the Chiefs.

GREEN BAY @ PHILADELPHIA
Am I really taking four road teams on wild card weekend? You’re damn right I am.

And not just because Michael Vick these last few weeks has looked more like Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick, and less than the Michael Vick who had his gear shipped to Canton after dismantling the Redskins on Monday night. The Packers have the team speed to match them and, more importantly, this isn’t your father’s fierce/blitzing Eagle’s D. I think Aaron Rodgers is going to carve these guys up Sunday night.

Jersey Shore: The Rookie

I tried. I really did.

For 2011, I resolved to go into the new year — and the new season of “Jersey Shore” — with an open mind about Sammi “Sweetheart”, quickly becoming the most ironically-named character in pop culture history.

By the end of last season, she’d become unbearably, almost (I said ALMOST) comically awful.

As the cast returned to Seaside Heights for season 3, the couple who redefined the word toxic arrived first (oh hai, duck phone!) and instantly alienated themselves from the rest of the house by picking a bedroom with three beds.

Now, I’m not going to kill Sammi and Ronnie for wanting (allegedly) the “nicest” room in that house (whatever that means), but why would you pick a bedroom with three beds if you’re in a couple? (Especially if you’re in a couple that has painstakingly alienated itself from the rest of the house?) Not only are you inviting some poor soul into your own personal, depressing hell (The Situation drew the short straw), but it’s just inconsiderate and doesn’t make sense. Every time the camera showed Sammi last night I pretty much reacted exactly the same way (whorebag) J-Woww did when she saw Sammi standing in the big room: “Ugh!” (MVP could’ve used that room. Or how about: DJ’S?)

Of course, the “D” in “DJ’S” is new cast member Deena, who accompanied a newly red-haired Snooki to Seaside Heights. If we had any illusions about Deena being gradually, seamlessly integrated into the cast, they were blown up last night — and the episode was all the better for it.

In just one episode, Deena declared herself a walking holiday — per The Situation, she’s like Thanksgiving, “She’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing” — got drunk during a game of flip (the?) cup, appeared on her way to hooking up with Vinny in the hot tub, showed her na-na (not to be confused with her kooka) to The Situation (pictured, right, who responded like a 13-year-old boy discovering Cinemax), and incited an argument that led to a fight between Sammi and J-Woww.

Not bad for a day’s work, and certainly worthy of the Rookie of the Year award bestowed upon her by The Situation. In fact, I’d argue that the new girl went overboard in trying to make an impression on the first day. Although she’s being pushed as another “Snooki” (and she’s allegedly Snooki’s good friend), I’m not so sure I’m on board with this addition yet. Then again, if you recall, Snooki got so drunk in HER first day at the house and made such a fool of herself that she threatened to leave. So maybe Deena really IS the next Snooki!

By the way, who knew that Snooki is apparently in love with Vinny. Last night we learned that Vinny had hooked up with Snooki’s previous BFF Ryder (seen in season 2, but not caught by cameras hooking up with Vinnie), which deeply wounded Snooki because, um, she loves that kid or something. Vinnie tried to explain that he didn’t want to hook up with Snooki (who was throwing herself at him) and have her develop feelings for him because that would seriously hinder his ability to get his freak on this season, but that didn’t stop her from leaving in a huff. Vinny also had the best line of the episode when he tried to defuse the awkwardness in the hot tub by asking Deena, “So what’s it like being a dental assistant?” before Deena slipped away.

I guess we have to talk about the fight that ended the episode. Kudos to MTV for at least showing us the beginning of J-Woww vs. Sammi 2: Money Never Sleeps, instead of cruelly cutting away from it right as it was about to happen as they did last season.

Earlier, I mentioned that Deena had tried way too hard. Well that also meant, she TRIED to be friendly to Sammi, asking her where she was from. All she got were cold, single-word responses as she robotically, infuriatingly straightened her hair with her hand.

It’s moments like this that make it easy to agree with Snooki’s contention that Samm is, indeed, “the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Deena tried to drunkenly cuddle with The Situation and Sammi began laughing (well, it WAS kind of funny). Drunk Deena basically said “don’t condensend me, man” and started saying nasty things to Sammi as she left the room, including the c-word that isn’t “cute”, but has a lot of the same letters.

Deena continued saying terrible things as Sammi and Ronnie listened from upstairs. Curiously, neither sprinted into action until Deena mentioned Ronnie. (Note: Deena didn’t say anything about Ronnie: she just referenced Sammi’s f---ing boyfriend.) As we now know, Sammi can only be bothered to get out of bed to hide behind her bully of a boyfriend when he storms downstairs to yell at a diminutive girl.

Eventually, Sammi and Deena started yelling at each other, then Sammi versus Snooki (who got madder and madder the more she talked), then Ronnie (who is dead inside) sat down and put his head in his hands. Snooki miraculously fabricated an insult about Ronnie’s mom thinking Sammi is a bitch…but Ronnie didn’t exactly refute it.

It was when the couple ganged up on Snooki by calling her “a loser from Poughkeepsie” that J-Woww (a dormant volcano in the background) sprang into action and got in Sammi’s grill. Can’t decide what I enjoyed more: the guys sitting back and watching all this unfold as if they were watching TV like us (led by The Instigation, I mean, The Situation) or Sammi FINALLY getting smacked in that smug face of hers.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was up with Sammi’s fake punch? (If you’re gonna step to J-Woww, you best step to her for real!) What will the casts’ faux job be this year? Are you as disappointed as I am that we barely got any Pauly D last night? Finally, could Vinnie had found a girlier shower caddy? (It was periwinkle…all that was missing was a pretty yellow flower.)

True Grit Review

For all the useless information about movies my brain has collected over the years, I don’t really know jack about John Wayne.

I know he starred in a lot of westerns, but I’ve only seen one of his movies all the way through. (“The Green Berets” — don’t ask me why.) To be honest, my main reference point for the American screen icon is the impersonation of his walk that Nathan Lane does in “The Birdcage.” I also know that the only Best Actor Oscar Wayne collected during his storied career was for 1969’s “True Grit.”

I’m telling you all that to tell you this: although I’m already a person who strongly believes every movie should be able to stand on its own (whether it’s based on a book you haven’t read or a sequel/remake to a movie you haven’t seen), I’m not here to compare John Wayne to Jeff Bridges, and I’m REALLY not here to compare the original film to Joel and Ethan Coen’s thoroughly entertaining new take.

The spin for the new version is that it’s less of a remake of the John Wayne flick and more of a reimagining/direct adaptation of Charles Portis’ novel. Well, I didn’t read the novel either, so there goes that.

All I know is that this version stars Hailee Steinfeld (in a dazzling big-screen debut) as Mattie Ross, a 14-year-old girl who hires Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges) —the meanest, crotchetiest U.S. Marshal she could find — to track down Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin), the man who killed her father.

Also looking for Chaney is a flamboyant Texas Ranger named LaBoeuf (pronounced “LaBeef”) who periodically joins Mattie and Rooster on their mission, and is more than happy to tell you how great the Rangers are.

I’m not exactly sure why Steinfeld has been slotted into “Supporting Actress” categories so far during this awards season (actually, I know exactly why…the competition there isn’t as stiff!), but the young actress competently and confidently drives the action in this film. This is particularly true early on when Mattie (who probably has the truest grit of any character) refuses to accept anything less than what she sees as justice for Chaney at her hands.

Still, Mattie isn’t some sort of freaky super child. I really appreciated that the Coens still took time to show that she was a kid who got cold when the person she was sleeping with hogged the covers or who got scared in a shootout.

Bridges is likely headed for his second consecutive Oscar nomination as Cogburn. Though I definitely enjoyed his performance, I don’t know Bridges (who comes off as immensely likable in real life and the majority of his roles) ever really convinced me that Cogburn was a bastard. As a result, his eventual bond with Mattie seemed inevitable from the beginning.

Damon, on the other hand, shrewdly uses his mega-celebrity/on-screen persona to his benefit. Any hang-ups you might have about forgetting that you’re watching “Matt Damon” are right there in his performance as LaBoeuf, who is mostly a noble buffoon that doesn’t fit Mattie’s definition of “true grit.” In other words, I loved him in this movie.

Conversely, Brolin’s performance basically amounts to an extended cameo in which the actor doesn’t really make much of an impression. (Maybe the point is that the person who killed Mattie’s father was kind of a nobody.) Mostly, it was good to see Barry Pepper on screen again (as the head of the gang Chaney is running with) in the movie’s third act.

This being a Coen Brothers production, it’s not surprising to see the movie injected with bits of poker-faced humor (besides the laughs we get from Bridges’ drunk act and Damon, who really is hilarious in this thing) followed up by bursts of violence. It’s also a more straight-forward production than their elegant, thrilling, sorta-confounding “No Country for Old Men”, their previous Oscar-winning entry in the western genre. Like “No Country”, “True Grit” looks gorgeous thanks to Roger Deakins, the Coens’ favored cinematographer.

“True Grit” moves a long at a decent, leisurely pace (occasionally broken up by those fits of humor and violence) before wrapping up with a strong climax and a questionably-necessary denouement. It’s also a satisfying throwback featuring impressive performances, and two of today’s best filmmakers working near (but not quite at) the top of their game.

True Grit…B+

Black Swan Review

Natalie Portman was pretty much perfect for — and is pretty much perfect in — “Black Swan.”

The story of a troubled, repressed young ballerina may not immediately seem like an ideal fit for one of the most famous, well-regarded movie stars in the world.

Portman plays Nina Sayers, a ballet dancer who slowly comes undone after earning the lead role in her company’s production of “Swan Lake.” The lead role in “Swan Lake” requires the dancer to inhabit both the regal and ethereal White Swan, as well as the dark and seductive Black Swan.

The fact that Nina is perfect in the White Swan role, but struggles mightily to channel her inner Black Swan is the reason this role seems tailor-made for Portman. Even though the actress has tried to tap into her dark side before — including earning an Oscar nomination for playing a stripper in “Closer” — it’s never entirely believable. No matter what Portman does, she can’t help but radiate intelligence and give off a good girl vibe. (She’s even poked fun at this image to hilarious effect.)

In watching “Black Swan” and in watching Portman’s career-best, transformative work (and I haven’t even gotten into the technical aspects of her performance as a dancer), I couldn’t help but feel that the movie was a sort of twisted version of “The Natalie Portman” story. (The fact that Nina becomes involved with her hilariously jerky and demanding director, played by Vincent Cassel, while Portman recently announced she was engaged to and pregnant by her “Black Swan” choreographer only made that feeling stronger.)

I’d say this was a coincidence if filmmaker Darren Aronofsky — one of the best directors working today — hadn’t pulled off a similar trick by having Mickey Rourke’s comeback and redemption mirror his character’s in “The Wrestler”, Aronofsky’s previous masterpiece.

His golden touch with casting doesn’t stop there. Mila Kunis is terrific and kind of a revelation as Lily, a fellow dancer who embodies everything Nina isn’t. Kunis is a welcome, friendly, and sexy presence in the film. (And I’m not just saying that because of her lesbian sex scene with Portman — I’m only 75% saying that because of her lesbian sex scene with Portman.) Barbara Hershey is just the right amount of bananas as Nina’s scary, clingy stage mom. Meanwhile, Winona Ryder (though she has only a handful of scenes) is perfectly cast as someone who used to be a big deal.

Genius/fluky casting aside, I expected Aronofsky to bring the same attention to detail he brought to the world of wrestling to the world of ballet, and he absolutely delivered. He shows us that ballet is incredibly demanding and even more than a little dangerous. From a more technical standpoint, the score (mostly a warped adaption of the music from “Swan Lake”) was incredible. It helped set the stage and didn’t require you having seen the original show to appreciate it. I also thought the way his and cinematographer Matthew Libatique’s camera spun around his dancers was thrilling, while his jittery, handheld work for other sequences helped put us in Nina’s paranoid state of mind.

Obviously, I’m a big fan of Aronofsky’s, but the man isn’t without faults.

A lot of the visual metaphors he uses in the movie are a little obvious and heavy-handed. (Nina has an almost exclusively white wardrobe, while Lily pretty much only wears black and has two black wings tattooed on her back.)

On top of that, even though Nina’s freaky visions are very effective for the occasional jolt, I’m not entirely sure a lot of the “what is real?” aspects of the script by Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John McLaughlin would hold up under close examination. That being said, I DID think they had some interesting things to say about the pursuit/perils of artistic perfection.

Still, the fact that the movie encourages you to go back and THINK about what you just saw is encouraging.

More importantly, “Black Swan” is an exciting, impressive movie featuring the best performance I’ve seen all year.

Black Swan…A-

Desperate Housewives: Fool Fight!

That Susan Delfino can’t catch a break!

The new year is only a few days old, but things have only gotten worse for our most beleaguered Housewife, who had already been exiled from Wisteria Lane due to financial reasons and got her skinny stomach stomped on during that epic riot in the fall finale. We all know the show wasn’t going to kill Susan off, but she didn’t emerge from the riot unscathed.

As a result of getting trampled, one of her kidneys had to be removed leaving only her other, slacker kidney that only operates at 5 percent capacity. Instead of undergoing dialysis for the rest of her life, Susan vowed to undergo alternative treatments, much to the chagrin of Mike, who was back from Alaska. (More on him in a bit.) That was the plan, at least, until Susan collapsed into convulsions on the hospital floor after she tried to take MJ to the hospital cafeteria for ice cream.

Susan has had such ridiculously bad luck that me and my girlfriend couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she was spazzing out on the floor. (I don’t think that’s the reaction the show was going for.) Still, the scene that followed — where she asked her fellow Housewives to take care of her son in case she dies — was much more effective from a dramatic standpoint.

Of course, those other Housewives already have their hands pretty full if they were ever pressed into the service of raising MJ.

If I were Susan, I’m not really sure I would’ve asked Gabrielle to look after my son if I’d been watching her parenting the last couple of weeks. Juanita began seeing a therapist to help her cope with the fact that Gabrielle is obsessed with her biological daughter, Grace, at Juanita’s expense. The therapist suggested that Gabby and Carlos remove every trace of Grace’s existence in order for Juanita to feel more accepted.

Now, I’ve taken shots at Gabby’s horrible parenting over the weeks (and in the previous paragraph), but even I thought this seemed way harsh(, Tai). Why didn’t Carlos go along with Gabby’s idea to put all that stuff in a safety deposit box? Why wouldn’t that work? Isn’t removing all trace of Gabby’s biological daughter downright cruel? By the end of the episode, Gabby had returned to the doll shop she’d visited earlier in the hour and picked up a doll that looked just like Grace. That was a solid 9 on the “Creep-O” scale, and brings us right back to her being a terrible mother.

Bree, for her part, is already dealing with a pretty full house, so I don’t know how much time she’d be able to devote to MJ.

I didn’t watch the show last year, so I’m not really sure why he left Bree in the first place (or why he’s in a wheelchair), but he made his not-entirely-welcome return last night. Orson claimed that his girlfriend had kicked him out, but it turns out he’d left her to try to get back together with Bree. I don’t have very fond memories of Orson as a character, so I wasn’t particularly glad to see him back, but I have to admit it was fun seeing him stir the pot (which contained coq au vin). I would’ve liked to have seen Bree stand up for Keith a bit more, since Orson was openly being an ass to him, but (in a distinctly “Desperate Housewives”-y moment) she ended up rolling around with him in manure to prove her devotion. I’m still not sure if Brian Austin Green is going to be a part of this show for the long haul. Bree’s hesitation and lack of enthusiasm at his proposal says “no”, but her rolling around in steer manure says “yes.” (Also, “Eww.)

Lynette already has approximately 27 kids, so she couldn’t possibly want to take MJ on. Besides, she’s dealing with the revelation that Renee slept with Tom some 20 years earlier. (While they were on break, apparently.) I thought the show would drag this secret out a bit longer, but Renee’s conscience couldn’t bear it and she spilled the beans. Initially, Lynette responded how you’d expect her to (that icy stare she gave Renee was seriously scary), before devolving into totally unexpected behavior.

Apparently, to punish her husband for keeping that secret for 20 years, she’s decided to…play a bunch of practical jokes on him. Last night, she scalded him with hot coffee, and next week it looks like she switches the sugar for salt, and messes with his recliner. Huh?! I don’t really get it, but my best guess it that this is the show’s way of conveying that Tom and Renee’s “betrayal” is really no big deal.

Then again, maybe Mike would be just fine as a single dad. For most of the episode, the writers wanted us to believe that it was Mike who’d taken a shot and wounded (not killed Paul Young). Maybe Felicia Tilman offered the cash-strapped Mike some serious money, and he couldn’t refuse, so why not? By the end of the hour, Mike denied having anything to do with the shooting and I remembered that the writers wouldn’t wrap that mystery up so quickly. (Or dare to have Mike do something interesting.)

More importantly, Paul now knows that his bride Beth is Felicia’s daughter. I’m actually pretty intrigued with how complicated and twisted their relationship has gotten. Beth was sent to Paul as a spy on Felicia’s behalf, but ended up falling for the guy. Paul, despite stopping just short of raping his wife in order to get sex, eventually won her over and saw her as his only ally. Now that trust is betrayed, even though (unbeknownst to him) she has true feelings for him.

This isn’t going to end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? If the idea is that Juanita is fat because Gabby isn’t her real mother, then why is Celia also chunky? (Why wouldn’t she look more like Grace?) Why are Mike Delfino and Felicia Tilman even in touch? Finally, and most importantly…did MJ ever get his ice cream sandwich? Finally, any new guesses on who shot Paul Young?

NFL 2010 Week 17 Picks

Week 17 of the NFL regular season is here!

I have to say – I’m kind of looking forward to just sitting down and watching football without having to worry about how it affects my fantasy team. (The East Dillon Lions came in second, in case you were wondering, after putting up their lowest point total of the season. Choke job!)

Last week was meh (8-8 week, 118-92 season), so let’s see if I can finish this crazy season on a high note.

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA
Like my friend Jon Foster, a die-hard Falcons fan (who knew there was such a thing?!), said, “If the Falcons can’t win at home against Carolina, they don’t even deserve to go to the playoffs!” (Much less have a #1 seed.)

PITTSBURGH @ CLEVELAND
As feisty and competitive as they looked in the early and midway points of the season, the Browns have looked inept and lifeless to close out the year. Bummer.

MINNESOTA @ DETROIT
Can’t wait to see what sort of weather calamity messes with the Vikings this week. Anyway, I’m going with the Lions, who are on fire! (Lions on fire = three straight wins.)

OAKLAND @ KANSAS CITY
Chiefs coach Todd Haley is just crazy enough to play his guys a little bit too long just so he could win this game. (And finish 2010 with a perfect home record.)

MIAMI @ NEW ENGLAND
My other friend Jared summed up Dolphins QB Chad Henne thusly: *$*O#&@^@!!!! (I think it may be time for some changes in Miami.)

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS
I’d love to pick the Baby Bucs, but they simply don’t have enough guys to go into New Orleans and pull this out. The latest casualty was starting rookie WR Arrelious Benn. (Damn, you can tell I’m getting reinvested in the Bucs because I didn’t even have to look up how to spell “Arrelious Benn.”)

BUFFALO @ N.Y. JETS
The Jets are pretty much locked into the sixth seed, so I’m looking for Rex Ryan to give his guys some rest. (Hopefully, the entire team will take a rest from having embarrassing videos/tapes/photos/texts/telegrams about them released.)

CINCINNATI @ BALTIMORE
The Ravens still have a chance to win the division, so I expect them to win a tough game over the Bengals and Carson Palmer, who looked positively giddy after the cancellation of the TOcho show last week.

JACKSONVILLE @ HOUSTON
I know David Garrard and Maurice Jones-Drew are out, but I’m just done with the Texans.

N.Y. GIANTS @ WASHINGTON
I know Rex Grossman is still in, but I’m just done with the Giants.

DALLAS @ PHILADELPHIA
Sorry, I can’t help myself: I had a 1.5 point lead over my opponent in the fantasy finals going into Tuesday night’s game. I had DeSean Jackson, and he had Percy Harvin. With Joe Webb throwing to Harvin (and the Vikings secondary depleted), let’s just say I liked my chances. Thanks for nothing, Eagles! Watch them explode against Dallas.

ARIZONA @ SAN FRANCISCO
Mike Singletary. I’ll miss you and your craziness most of all.

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY
I know Lovie Smith SAYS he wants to beat the Packers, but risking the health of his team is simply not worth it going into the playoffs. Plus, the Packers look like they’re in ass-kicking mode.

TENNESEE @ INDIANAPOLIS
After all that’s been said and written, would YOU want to face the Colts in the first round of the playoffs?

SAN DIEGO @ DENVER
TEEEEEBBBBOOOOWWW!

ST. LOUIS @ SEATTLE
I don’t love the idea of rookie QB Sam Bradford (pictured, right) going into Seattle and locking up the division for the Rams…but then I remembered the Seahawks are starting the not-quite-immortal Charlie Whitehurst.

NFL 2010 Week 16 Picks

Christmas shopping, TV reruns and my general laziness have recently kept me from writing in my blog as often as I’d like to.

(Maybe I’ll have my “Black Swan” and “True Grit” reviews in by 2011, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll do a Top 10 list of the Best Movies and TV shows of the year, but I probably won’t.)

Still, I’ve managed to sneak my musings on the NFL season every Thursday and this week is no different. Maybe I should be paying more attention to that as well, since I had a pretty sad week (7-9 week, 110-84 season).

Starting tonight, there will be NFL games on four of the next five nights, so let’s jump right in:

CAROLINA @ PITTSBURGH
Carolina showed spunk I didn’t think they had last week in winning their second game of the season, but I don’t like their chances at all against a (depleted) Steelers team looking to bounce back from that tough loss against the Jets.

DALLAS @ ARIZONA
I know they’ve looked slightly better in recent weeks, but I’m not rushing out to buy a John Skelton jersey just yet. (Or any other jersey for that matter…those things cost like $70!)

WASHINGTON @ JACKSONVILLE
I’m in the title game for my fantasy football league. If I win, I get $300. We play a two-QB format, and Drew Brees is locked in as one of my quarterbacks. For the second spot, I’m trying to decide between Eli Manning at Green Bay (in what will probably be a frigid, low-scoring game), Sam Bradford (who’s been brutal lately) at home against the Niners or…wait for it…Rex Grossman (pictured, left)!

In a related story, (though I like the Jags to win the game) I’m leaning toward Grossman against the Jags bad pass defense. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit…

DETROIT @ MIAMI
Detroit just won its first road game since 2007! (In Tampa…Blech!) There’s no limit to what they can do!

SAN FRANCISCO @ ST. LOUIS
We all want the winner of the NFC West to finish with a losing record because it’s never happened (and so we can REALLY complain about how bad that division is), but I have a feeling one of these teams is going to rally and finish 8-8.

TENNESSEE @ KANSAS CITY
I thought the Titans had quit on their season until they blew out Houston last week. Can I please get that same exact effort this week, since my fantasy appointment has Jamaal Charles going? Thanks!

N.Y. JETS @ CHICAGO
Is there a team more reliant on confidence and swagger than the Jets? I think they got some of that back last week, and I also like the way they play on the road. (When they don’t do well at home, the crowd becomes anxious and things get awkward in a hurry.)

NEW ENGLAND @ BUFFALO
I feel like this game will be a lot closer than people expect, but it’s pretty apparent that no one is beating the Patriots at this point. (They beat Green Bay with their C+ game last week.)

BALTIMORE @ CLEVELAND
Even though they’ve been a letdown these past few weeks, I feel like the Browns (and especially their fans) will get up for this game against division rival Baltimore. (AKA the artists formerly known as the Cleveland Browns.)

HOUSTON @ DENVER
Sorry for being “Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking About His Fantasy Team”, but both of these teams are out of it, and neither coach will be back next year. I’ve got two or three guys going in this game (if Knowshon Moreno recovers in time), so I hope there are 100 points scored in this thing.

SAN DIEGO @ CINCINNATI
When your best player is also the guy who’s been trying the hardest all year, and you lose that guy for the season, you’re in trouble. When that guy is Terrell Owens, you’re REALLY in terrible shape.

INDIANAPOLIS @ OAKLAND
This feels like one of those games where the Raiders control the clock for 35-40 minutes, but Peyton Manning wins the games with a few strategically-placed, quick-strike touchdowns.

N.Y. GIANTS @ GREEN BAY
The Giants just suffered one of the most heartbreaking losses in recent memory, but a lot of people expect them to bounce back. I don’t. I think Tom Coughlin runts of chances this year. (Especially since Bill Cowher is publicly campaigning for his job.)

SEATTLE @ TAMPA BAY
The Bucs will win this one because the Seahawks are kind of a disaster, but it’ll be too little, too late.

MINNESOTA @ PHILADELPHIA
So, basically Joe Webb is a terrible version of Tarvaris Jackson (who is a terrible version of a good NFL quarterback).

NEW ORLEANS @ ATLANTA
Drew Brees…I’ve had you as my fantasy QB for the past three seasons. You brought New Orleans a title earlier this year, and I expect you to do the same for me.

NFL 2010 Week 15 Picks

It’s crunch time in the NFL season and, more importantly, in fantasy football land.

I’m in my main league’s fantasy playoffs for the third straight year and, so far, I have no (imaginary) rings to show for my efforts.

I’m trying not to over think my week 15 lineup (Pierre Garcon vs. Vincent Jackson for my third WR spot?!) the same way I’m trying not to over think my picks. Last week was a wash (8-8 week, 103-75 season), so we’ll see what happens now.

SAN FRANCISCO @ SAN DIEGO
The Niners looked pretty great last year, so they’re due for a turd of a performance. Also, don’t we all still kind of feel like the Chargers are going to the playoffs?

CLEVELAND @ CINCINNATI
I picked both of these losing teams to win on the road last week, and they both let me down. Can I pick “tie” for this? Fine, I’ll go with the Browns now that Colt McCoy is back in the picture (and Jake Delhomme is out of it).

WASHINGTON @ DALLAS
The Panthers have a much worse record, but the Redskins are just as big a disaster zone.

HOUSTON @ TENNESEE
Think Houston WR Andre Johnson will be up for this game?

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Jags have pretty much done everything to show they’re legit…but I’m not going to bury the Colts until they’re in the ground and the Jaguars are standing over them with shovels.

KANSAS CITY @ ST. LOUIS
Whether Chiefs QB Matt Cassel (pictured, right) plays or not, I’m taking the Rams, who are always feisty at home. If Cassel doesn’t play, the Chiefs may not get 10 points.

BUFFALO @ MIAMI
Oh oh…Miami’s doing that thing where they hover around the outskirts of the playoff picture again. Don’t sleep on them.

DETROIT @ TAMPA BAY
Hopefully the Bucs can actually win this game AND avoiding losing a few more starters to injured reserve.

ARIZONA @ CAROLINA
I’ve got the weirdly-resurgent Cardinals beating the Panthers, but the real losers are anyone who has to watch this game. Yikes!

NEW ORLEANS @ BALTIMORE
Come on, Drew Brees! Carry me to the fantasy finals!

PHILADELPHIA @ N.Y. GIANTS
Should be a great game, but I’m going with the Eagles because of the Giants’ tendency to lay eggs at home this season.

ATLANTA @ SEATTLE
I think this game will be closer than people think…which means the Falcons will only win by about two touchdowns.

N.Y. JETS @ PITTSBURGH
Is there a worse possible place for a quarterback that is struggling with turnovers to visit than Pittsburgh? Egads!

DENVER @ OAKLAND
Come on, Knowshon Moreno! Carry me to the fantasy finals! (Definitely didn’t think I’d be saying that at the start of the year.)

GREEN BAY @ NEW ENGLAND
If Aaron Rodgers plays (which I can’t shake the feeling he will), the Packers have a chance. If he doesn’t play, the Packers may not get five first downs. Either way, the Patriots will likely continue their roll.

CHICAGO @ MINNESOTA
The Vikings options are: A.) Tarvaris Jackson and his turf toe, B.) Brett Favre and his mangled hand, C.) Third-stringer Joe Webb. Yeah, I’m going with the other team.