Desperate Housewives: Liver Free or Die

When the “big” reveal at the end of your episode is the return of a seventh-tier character that no one missed, cared for, or would’ve recognized if you hadn’t panned to his picture…that’s when you know you’ve just seen a particularly terrible episode of “Desperate Housewives.”

(I paused my “Dexter” mini-marathon for this?!)

Sorry in advance if I come off as harsh, but this latest installment of “Desperate Housewives” was particularly unacceptable after last week’s encouraging episode. Basically, the show squandered any momentum it built up last week.

I’ll try to keep it short because I don’t want to waste your time the way this episode the time of anyone who watched it:

- As predicted, Lynette continued her inexplicably immature (and just downright inexplicable) punishment of Tom for his one-night affair with Renee 20 years ago by playing a series of pranks on him. Doug Savant’s gift for physical comedy helped sell some of this stuff (although that tumble down his steps could’ve killed Tom), but there was just no reason for any of this to be happening.

The only good part of this fiasco was the fact that Lynette and Tom seemed to patch this nonesense up by the end of the episode after they made the controversial decision to talk about it as adults, and after Tom reminded Lynette of the wonderful life they’d built together. (Cut to Penny almost eating a laxative-laced brownie.)

- I used to joke about Teri Hatcher pissing off the writers because of the more embarrassing storylines Susan has gotten over the years. Well whatever Teri Hatcher did to the writers, Eva Longoria Parker must’ve done something 10 times worse.

Not only has Gabrielle been portrayed as a relentlessly bad mother for much of this season (ignoring Juanita, conspiring to have Grace’s mother taken away by immigration officers before changing her mind), but now she’s saddled with a cold bastard of a husband and a crazy doll fixation.

Last night, Grace lookalike “Princess Valerie” (who can jump off cliffs = lol) was discovered and torn apart by Gabby’s daughters, who were the victims of another crazed rant. That outburst was almost as crazy (but much less weirdly endearing) than Gabby’s conversation with the woman from the doll store, who has her own special relationship with one of her dolls.

Overall, NOT a good year for Eva Longoria Parker.

- Speaking of Teri Hatcher, things aren’t really looking up in the “Kidney Now” front. Julie isn’t a match, but it was thought that maybe Susan’s mom Sophie (guest star Leslie Ann Warren, pictured, right) would step up to the plate. I’m guessing Susan’s Aunt Claire (Valerie Harper) was unofficially disqualified because the show established her as a major lush.

Sophie seemed weirdly unwilling to part with her liver, so we knew something was up. Eventually, Claire told Susan that Sophie is battling breast cancer and didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to belittle Susan’s current ailment. The scene between mother and daughter (great job by whoever cast Warren, since the two look freakishly alike) was touching, but it was frustrating to see a lack of forward momentum on a downer of a storyline that we know, in all likelihood, is probably going to be solved at some point.

- Remember how Orson declared his love for Bree for last week and announced that he wasn’t going to stop trying to get her back? Neither did the show.

Instead Bree’s energy was focused on pleasing her priest (I can’t remember if his name was Pastor Blackmail or Father Guilt Trip) by reaching out to Beth Young, the troubled woman with the troubled hairstyle. (According to Renee.)

That led to a disastrous get-together in which Beth found a gun (just like the one that shot her husband) under a pillow on Bree’s couch.

Beth accused the women of trying to frame her (since her fingerprints are now on the gun), the women accused Beth of planting the gun herself (to blame one of them), and everyone at home rolled their eyes because it was painfully obvious that the sketchy delivery guy is the one who planted it.

- That brings us to the return of Zach Young. Obviously, none of the stuff I said in the previous paragraph has been confirmed. However, I’m willing to bet fake Internet money that Zach is the one who shot his unpopular dad for reasons that are yet to be determined.

Then again, the show might REALLY surprise us and have Zach do something completely unrelated. (Remember, Mike is his biological dad, and Zach once stalked Gabrielle once upon a time.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think Zach is the one who shot Paul Young? Do you care? Finally, what’s your doll’s story?