Jersey Shore: Punch. Drunks. Love

Just when I thought she was out, they pulled her back in.

Last night, the epic Ronnie- Sammi saga came to a head.

Again.

The difference was this time it actually looked like Sammi was going to leave the “Jersey Shore” house after her latest, most physical blowout with Ronnie.

(My working theory on why Sammi REALLY wound up staying in Seaside: Sammi called her mom to come get her, but even Mrs. “Sweetheart” didn’t want to deal with her, so Sammi figured she’d stay put.)

Apparently that giant house with the dinky rooms in Seaside Heights has a powerful allure because earlier in the episode we’d heard J-Woww describe it as her true home (following the Tom fiasco) and her fellow cast mates as her family. Fortunately for her, she eventually found her way “home” after momentarily locking herself in the house she shared with Tom.

But even I’m tired of picking on Sammi, especially when you consider the major source of her paranoia (besides alcohol) is Ronnie shattering her sense of trust in Miami.

It all started with Ronnie asking a girl to get crunk in the club. Sammi predictably called him out on it, but Ronnie said the girl was someone named Mike’s girlfriend, who had a baby. He even offered to have her show Sammi her C-section! (Thankfully, Sammi passed.)

Back at the house, the two started fighting in the bedroom (Sammi’s natural habitat), before Ronnie finally exploded with frustration at Sammi’s paranoia. Sammi had a peace offering, but everyone knows that if you want to make up with Ronnie, you don’t bring him a slice of pizza…you bring him a protein shake! That led to more yelling and fighting and Ronnie telling Sammi that she’d have to write him an entire book of apologies. (Pauly’s face during the profanity-laced tirade was priceless.)

J-Woww tried to console Ronnie, which is interesting given all the horrible things Ronnie has said to her face and about her in confessionals. That’s when Ronnie finally broke down, and all the Xenadrine in the world couldn’t stop the cascade of tears. J-Woww related to him by telling him that they both had guilt over their dealings with Sammi, but she reassured him that he’s a good guy. (Me: “He is?!”)

As things were calming down, The Instigation/The Situation informed Sammi that Ronnie was outside talking to J-Woww, and we finally found out what could possibly compel Sammi to get out of bed. She basically flipped out on Ronnie for talking to her sworn enemy, announced was leaving and punched him in the face. Hard. (Even more solid contact than she landed on J-Woww earlier this year.)

What came next was curious. The rest of the cast mates pleaded for Sammi to stay. Why? Everyone else in the house can obviously see how toxic the Sammi-Ronnie dynamic is and, despite Sammi making amends recently, she isn’t exactly on great terms with anyone there. Unlike Angelina, I think they can see that Sammi is a truly messed up and confused girl right now, and they didn’t want to abandon her on that note. (Last week, I talked about the unavoidable kinship these people must have with each other.)

In the end, Sammi apologized to Ronnie and agreed to stay…as The Situation creepily looked on from the next bed over. (I’m surprised he wasn’t eating a sandwich.) Even though the couple has made up for now, and even though Sammi and J-Woww reached a tentative cease-fire agreement, I still can’t help but feel like she should’ve left. Where do Sammi and Ronnie go from here? They either get back together (ugh!) or Ronnie goes back to being single while Sammi glares and pouts (double ugh!)

Those weren’t the only questions surrounding last night’s episode. The biggest mystery was probably, what the hell were Deena and The Situation talking about toward the end of the episode? Apparently, Dean the Ronnie clone had let slip that Deena was into [bleeping] his [bleep]. As soon as it was clear they didn’t mean the obvious [bleeping] his [bleep] the whole thing devolved into an elaborate and perverted guessing game for the viewers at home. (I think this whole sequence was purposefully made to be confusing. Seriously, we re-wound the scene at the gym three times to try to figure out what the hell they were saying.)

Thank goodness for those asterisks that revealed that Dean had allegedly told people that Deena wanted to l*** his a******. (Please don’t make me explain it further.)

Other than that, the episode offered the same revelry we’ve come to expect. Grenades were dodged. (And the grenade horn made its debut.) Birthday girl Ryder visited to hang out with Snooki, but wound up mostly partying with Snooki 2.0 (Deena). Vinny once again proved to be “the Smart One”…but not really. (He may not know the Montagues, but does anyone else in that house know who the Capulets are. Bonus points for the Bjork swan dress reference.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What was the best addition to the house — J-Woww’s dogs “Snooki” and “Ryder” or the wobbly stripper pole? (Wobbly stripper pole, for the win!) Am I the only one who didn’t think the “grenade” who inspired the “grenade horn” wasn’t that bad looking? Who goes to the club with her uncle? Finally, will Sammi make it to the end of the season?