Jersey Shore: The Rookie

I tried. I really did.

For 2011, I resolved to go into the new year — and the new season of “Jersey Shore” — with an open mind about Sammi “Sweetheart”, quickly becoming the most ironically-named character in pop culture history.

By the end of last season, she’d become unbearably, almost (I said ALMOST) comically awful.

As the cast returned to Seaside Heights for season 3, the couple who redefined the word toxic arrived first (oh hai, duck phone!) and instantly alienated themselves from the rest of the house by picking a bedroom with three beds.

Now, I’m not going to kill Sammi and Ronnie for wanting (allegedly) the “nicest” room in that house (whatever that means), but why would you pick a bedroom with three beds if you’re in a couple? (Especially if you’re in a couple that has painstakingly alienated itself from the rest of the house?) Not only are you inviting some poor soul into your own personal, depressing hell (The Situation drew the short straw), but it’s just inconsiderate and doesn’t make sense. Every time the camera showed Sammi last night I pretty much reacted exactly the same way (whorebag) J-Woww did when she saw Sammi standing in the big room: “Ugh!” (MVP could’ve used that room. Or how about: DJ’S?)

Of course, the “D” in “DJ’S” is new cast member Deena, who accompanied a newly red-haired Snooki to Seaside Heights. If we had any illusions about Deena being gradually, seamlessly integrated into the cast, they were blown up last night — and the episode was all the better for it.

In just one episode, Deena declared herself a walking holiday — per The Situation, she’s like Thanksgiving, “She’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing” — got drunk during a game of flip (the?) cup, appeared on her way to hooking up with Vinny in the hot tub, showed her na-na (not to be confused with her kooka) to The Situation (pictured, right, who responded like a 13-year-old boy discovering Cinemax), and incited an argument that led to a fight between Sammi and J-Woww.

Not bad for a day’s work, and certainly worthy of the Rookie of the Year award bestowed upon her by The Situation. In fact, I’d argue that the new girl went overboard in trying to make an impression on the first day. Although she’s being pushed as another “Snooki” (and she’s allegedly Snooki’s good friend), I’m not so sure I’m on board with this addition yet. Then again, if you recall, Snooki got so drunk in HER first day at the house and made such a fool of herself that she threatened to leave. So maybe Deena really IS the next Snooki!

By the way, who knew that Snooki is apparently in love with Vinny. Last night we learned that Vinny had hooked up with Snooki’s previous BFF Ryder (seen in season 2, but not caught by cameras hooking up with Vinnie), which deeply wounded Snooki because, um, she loves that kid or something. Vinnie tried to explain that he didn’t want to hook up with Snooki (who was throwing herself at him) and have her develop feelings for him because that would seriously hinder his ability to get his freak on this season, but that didn’t stop her from leaving in a huff. Vinny also had the best line of the episode when he tried to defuse the awkwardness in the hot tub by asking Deena, “So what’s it like being a dental assistant?” before Deena slipped away.

I guess we have to talk about the fight that ended the episode. Kudos to MTV for at least showing us the beginning of J-Woww vs. Sammi 2: Money Never Sleeps, instead of cruelly cutting away from it right as it was about to happen as they did last season.

Earlier, I mentioned that Deena had tried way too hard. Well that also meant, she TRIED to be friendly to Sammi, asking her where she was from. All she got were cold, single-word responses as she robotically, infuriatingly straightened her hair with her hand.

It’s moments like this that make it easy to agree with Snooki’s contention that Samm is, indeed, “the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Deena tried to drunkenly cuddle with The Situation and Sammi began laughing (well, it WAS kind of funny). Drunk Deena basically said “don’t condensend me, man” and started saying nasty things to Sammi as she left the room, including the c-word that isn’t “cute”, but has a lot of the same letters.

Deena continued saying terrible things as Sammi and Ronnie listened from upstairs. Curiously, neither sprinted into action until Deena mentioned Ronnie. (Note: Deena didn’t say anything about Ronnie: she just referenced Sammi’s f---ing boyfriend.) As we now know, Sammi can only be bothered to get out of bed to hide behind her bully of a boyfriend when he storms downstairs to yell at a diminutive girl.

Eventually, Sammi and Deena started yelling at each other, then Sammi versus Snooki (who got madder and madder the more she talked), then Ronnie (who is dead inside) sat down and put his head in his hands. Snooki miraculously fabricated an insult about Ronnie’s mom thinking Sammi is a bitch…but Ronnie didn’t exactly refute it.

It was when the couple ganged up on Snooki by calling her “a loser from Poughkeepsie” that J-Woww (a dormant volcano in the background) sprang into action and got in Sammi’s grill. Can’t decide what I enjoyed more: the guys sitting back and watching all this unfold as if they were watching TV like us (led by The Instigation, I mean, The Situation) or Sammi FINALLY getting smacked in that smug face of hers.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was up with Sammi’s fake punch? (If you’re gonna step to J-Woww, you best step to her for real!) What will the casts’ faux job be this year? Are you as disappointed as I am that we barely got any Pauly D last night? Finally, could Vinnie had found a girlier shower caddy? (It was periwinkle…all that was missing was a pretty yellow flower.)