Jersey Shore: Drunk and Disorderly (Well, More Than Usual)

I missed last Thursday’s episode of “Jersey Shore: Everybody Hates Sammi (and Ron, But Not As Much)” because I went to see “The Fighter.” (My review is coming…sometime.)

However, with a new episode airing Monday night to help launch MTV’s version of “Skins”, I was able to get all caught up with a double dose of Jersey shenanigans. (You know what my favorite part of the “Skins” premiere was? NOT HAVING TO WATCH THOSE G-DAMN COMMERCIALS ANYMORE!!!)

There’s really no need to re-visit last Thursday’s episode because the Sammi/J-Woww fight was broken up fairly quickly, and the rest was almost entirely devoted to the “Ronnie and Sammi Magical Misery Tour” (featuring a giant banana, and The Situation getting shut out of a hookup between Vinny and some random chick they brought home). The editors also worked overtime in making Sammi look pathetic by emphasizing the way she followed him around the gym and the boardwalk while everyone else was having fun in the amusement park. (Not that Sammi needed help to look pathetic.)

Anyway, watching those events made Sammi’s LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG overdue mea culpa to Snooki (and short overdue heart-to-heart with Deena) all the more outstanding. It came after another blow-up with Ronnie in which she asked him to lay his skeletons out on the proverbial table. Ronnie (he of the little girl giggle/dolphin on steroid laughs) kept responding that he hadn’t done anything wrong (recently), which is true. Eventually, he got frustrated and stormed off. Or, in Ronnie’s immortal words, “I need a mind-condom because I’m getting mind-f---ed!” (Couldn’t have put it better myself!)

Anyway, did you read that last paragraph? Sammi acted like an adult and owned up to her mistakes in Miami and the better part of this season. This is HUGE! I don’t even care if Sammi was genuinely sorry or if one of the show’s uncredited writers nudged her toward this apology. I’m just glad it happened, so we could move away from this miserable couple isolating themselves from anyone else. Still, they cruelly teased a reunion at the end, when they acknowledged that they have “a chemistry no one understands” (not even Alfred Nobel) and might wind up together. Ugh.

The reason Sammi’s historic, game-changing epiphany was overshadowed was because of how drunk Snooki (and Deena) was the entire episode. Then again, Ronnie and Sammi’s stank attitude had infected the rest of the cast and discouraged them from getting drunk, having a good time, falling off stages, peeing behind bars, etc. So it makes sense that Sammi made up with the girls (except a frosty J-Woww) and everyone else cut loose(r than usual) in the same episode.

From the beginning, Snooki was drunk, horny and hilariously toting around a two-liter Hawaiian Punch. She tried for the 30th time this season to hook up with Vinny (“I want Seabiscuit”), who turned her down for the 30th time because he cares about her, according to J-Woww. Snooki responded, “Well stop caring and f--- me, man!” (If that doesn’t show up on a T-shirt within the next week, I’d be shocked.) I have my own theory: Vinny isn’t rejecting Snooki to spare her feelings (not that he doesn’t care for her), he’s rejecting her because he, um, DOESN’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER…and doesn’t want to look like a douche on camera. Too late! You’re on “Jersey Shore”!

(Even Pauly D, almost universally acknowledged as the most likable cast member, was not immune to having a drink dumped on him by a girl who was “stalking his life.” Oh well, he made up for it with his hilarious impression of a customer asking him for advice at the T-shirt shop, complaining about having to work there, and capping it by saying, “I’m a DJ!”)

After that, Snooki and Deena proposed a threesome to The Situation, who accepted because if you’re a man, you don’t turn down a threesome with two girls…no matter how little you’re into either of them. Once the lights went down, Snooki slipped away leaving The Situation and Deena in what he dubbed a “Deesome.” Not cool ladies. Things got so bad that he actually had to kiss Deena to keep her from talking. Oh, poor guy!

Even before the all-day bender that apparently got her temporarily tossed in jail, Snooki was in rare form last night. She went to the gym with Pauly (who may or may not be black) and worked out on a stair contraption with no underwear. (They must’ve all been in the laundry.) She also abused tanning lotion, which led her to put her itchy ass in (what else) a mini-fridge. I just hope she didn’t actually poop in there.

Still, it was the gang’s latest outing to the club that really did them in. Snooki didn’t have the good sense to get tossed for drunken behavior in under 10 minutes like Deena did, so when she woke up the next morning, she was NOT fit for work. She kept trying to go in the bathroom to sneak a beer. When Boss Danny kept busting her, she went to get a “coffee”, she made a beeline for a bar where she convinced an older couple to take shots off each other.

Suddenly, she became overcome with the urge to find the beach. Luckily, a helpful gentleman showed her the way: “It’s right there,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “Where else would it be?”

J-Woww, Deena and some guy in a green T-shirt who must’ve been part of the production staff gave chase, but Snooki was not to be denied. She wandered into the water carrying a purse. She fell face first on the sand. As more and more onlookers gathered, the cops eventually came to escort her away, and put her in handcuffs when she started mouthing off. Snooki, now just Ronnie in the ranks of “Jersey Shore” cast members being arrested on camera.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will you watch the inevitable, “Snooki: Sex Therapist”? Is that woman who ratted out Roger to J-Woww a professional cock-blocker? Why is J-Woww’s boyfriend such a girl? How would you defrost a bunch of stuck-together turkey burgers? Finally, “turkey burgers”? Eww!