American Idol: New Jersey, New Judges

It’s great to see some things never change.

The buzz surrounding the 10th season of “American Idol” (which premiered last night) has understandably focused on what’s going to be different this time around. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez in, Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Kara “Hey, Remember Me?!” DioGuardi out!

There are also changes to the show’s format in later rounds, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Having only seen one episode of the new season, I want to focus in on the judges’ panel. I was surprised to find one inescapable constant:

Randy Jackson is still an absolutely terrible and thoroughly useless presence on this show. I’d read quotes from him about how “The Dawg” was going to step up this season. Nope, still as irrelevant always. (But noticeably thinner.)

Like I said; some things never change.

As for the newbies — I was surprised by both Tyler and J.Lo. I’m still trying to figure out if I was surprised in a good way.

A lot of the talk coming into the season centered around who was going to be the new “Simon”, that is to say who was going to be the “mean one”, which really meant, “Who was going to be the person on the judges’ table who was going to give voice to the same snarky criticism we were firing off from our couch?” In fact, Simon looked so bored these last couple of years that even he didn’t really want to work up the energy to be “the mean one.”

I didn’t think either of the new judges were up to that task, and I was right! It turns out they’re both kind of…Paula! J.Lo has the pop star/questionable singer credentials and the niceness-to-a-fault quality, while Steven Tyler has the batshit crazy quality from Paula’s best/worst days.

Tyler, especially, was entertaining to watch whether he was harmonizing or wailing along with a contestant’s audition or borderline creepily hitting on 15 and 16 year olds. J.Lo was a kind, stabilizing force and radiated an undeniable star power from the judges’ table. So far, this judging gig actually looks good on her.

But enough about the judges. One of the show’s biggest problems in recent years is that it was too often about the judges.

Let’s talk about the contestants, but forgive me if I keep it brief because the ones we saw at the New Jersey audition was an underwhelming bunch. We’ll just say they were lucky that they caught a couple of new judges who weren’t used to the idea of being cruel, because some of the people we saw receive golden tickets did NOT deserve them.

I’m thinking of the very first singer we saw last night (after about 10 minutes of previews for the upcoming season…not that it was annoying).

Apparently, Rachel Zevita auditioned in season 6 and made it to Hollywood (before being cut the first day there) on the “strength” of her operatic stylings. Personally, I would’ve cut her this year as soon as she started singing “Hallelujah” (if there’s a more played out song on this show, by all means…), but the judges should’ve cut her because her audition was simply not good enough. The judges said they wanted to see more, but unfortunately, Rachel has “cut on the first day of Hollywood Week” written all over her again. Speaking of songs that need to be retired, I’d also like to nominate Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”, sung by Melinda Ademi. The only problem was that the only thing I remembered about her performance was…that her parents were refugees from Kosovo.

I’m also thinking 16 3/4-year-old Victoria Huggins, who sang an unremarkable version of “Midnight Train to Georgia”, has an annoying voice and generally looks and acts like Vanessa Bayer’s impression of Miley Cyrus on “Saturday Night Live.” (Ok, so I enjoyed her version of the “American Idol” theme music.) Still, she related to Randy by saying “Yo, yo dawg” so let’s give her a golden ticket.

Then there’s Star-boobs (a distant relative of Starburns from “Community”), aka Tiffany Rios. As a connoisseur of both “Idol” and “Jersey Shore”, I’d like to keep those two worlds separate. (In fact, “Jersey Shore” should probably be separate from everything else, just to be safe.) The most painful thing about this segment was that Tiffany could actually sing a little bit. The ridiculousness was unnecessary. (I mean the additional ridiculousness — she struck me as a fairly ridiculous person either way.) The worst offender was Ashley Sullivan, who taught us all that to get ahead in life you should cry, beg and act desperate to get what you want out of life. (Or, at least, a trip to Hollywood.)

After that, you had your solid middle of the road-type talent. Robbie Rosen, 16, spent part of his childhood in a wheelchair due to hip synovitis, and delivered a decent rendition of “Yesterday.” I’d love to tell you more, but the only thing I remember is his giant nose. (I already know I’m a horrible person, thankyouverymuch!) In a similarly shallow vein, the thing I remember most about Caleb Howley despite a fun, lively audition, was his bright eyes (“turn around”?) and how he’s the most likely to get a Hollywood (Week) makeover

Meanwhile, 15-year-old Kenzie Palmer (the first contestant to inadvertently set off the Perv Detector at my viewing party) was very solid, but I saw what Steven was saying about her lacking pizzazz. Kenzie ended up being one of the stronger singers of the night, along with Brielle Von Hugel, whose strong version of “Endless Love” was mostly overshadowed by the story of her father surviving throat cancer.

Not surprisingly, the show saved its obliquely-anointed star of the evening for last with Travis Orlando’s audition. The kid (whose family has hit hard times recently) delivered with delightful versions of “Eleanor Rigby” and “I’m Yours.” I can see why they saved him for last because he’s good, but I don’t think he’s anything mind-blowing. Still, he stood head and shoulders above almost everyone else last night. In fact, his main problem may be that we already have a Bruno Mars, so we don’t really need another one.

This thing is getting long (that’s what she said), so why don’t we just squeeze the clowns into one paragraph?

Chris Cordeiro’s tragic bangs/straw fedora combo was truly unfortunate. (Also, his mom sounded better on “My Way.”) Why would Michael Perotto think that his constant burping would endear him to anyone? (Or his version of “Proud Mary?”) Ivory Coast native Achille Lovle is having her money stolen by her “vocal coach.” Finally, Yoji “Pop” Asano’s Michael Jackson/”Party in the U.S.A.” shtick was too contrived to be enjoyable for me.

So why’d you think of this episode? Why did Tiffany Rios pair her Star-boobs with a pair of gray work pants? Do you like that the show reduced the age minimum to 15? (For me, it mostly led to uncomfortable situation where I would check out a contestant before realizing, to my horror, that she could be a freshman in high school.) Why is “Broadway” passive aggressively considered a tier below “American Idol.” (You’re not good enough/what we’re looking for, but I hear Broadway’s hiring down the street.)

Finally, was there anything better than Steven going in for a high five, and Randy going in for a first bump, resulting in a “paper covers rock” moment. (Big ups to the editors for leaving that in!)