Desperate Housewives: Fool Fight!

That Susan Delfino can’t catch a break!

The new year is only a few days old, but things have only gotten worse for our most beleaguered Housewife, who had already been exiled from Wisteria Lane due to financial reasons and got her skinny stomach stomped on during that epic riot in the fall finale. We all know the show wasn’t going to kill Susan off, but she didn’t emerge from the riot unscathed.

As a result of getting trampled, one of her kidneys had to be removed leaving only her other, slacker kidney that only operates at 5 percent capacity. Instead of undergoing dialysis for the rest of her life, Susan vowed to undergo alternative treatments, much to the chagrin of Mike, who was back from Alaska. (More on him in a bit.) That was the plan, at least, until Susan collapsed into convulsions on the hospital floor after she tried to take MJ to the hospital cafeteria for ice cream.

Susan has had such ridiculously bad luck that me and my girlfriend couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she was spazzing out on the floor. (I don’t think that’s the reaction the show was going for.) Still, the scene that followed — where she asked her fellow Housewives to take care of her son in case she dies — was much more effective from a dramatic standpoint.

Of course, those other Housewives already have their hands pretty full if they were ever pressed into the service of raising MJ.

If I were Susan, I’m not really sure I would’ve asked Gabrielle to look after my son if I’d been watching her parenting the last couple of weeks. Juanita began seeing a therapist to help her cope with the fact that Gabrielle is obsessed with her biological daughter, Grace, at Juanita’s expense. The therapist suggested that Gabby and Carlos remove every trace of Grace’s existence in order for Juanita to feel more accepted.

Now, I’ve taken shots at Gabby’s horrible parenting over the weeks (and in the previous paragraph), but even I thought this seemed way harsh(, Tai). Why didn’t Carlos go along with Gabby’s idea to put all that stuff in a safety deposit box? Why wouldn’t that work? Isn’t removing all trace of Gabby’s biological daughter downright cruel? By the end of the episode, Gabby had returned to the doll shop she’d visited earlier in the hour and picked up a doll that looked just like Grace. That was a solid 9 on the “Creep-O” scale, and brings us right back to her being a terrible mother.

Bree, for her part, is already dealing with a pretty full house, so I don’t know how much time she’d be able to devote to MJ.

I didn’t watch the show last year, so I’m not really sure why he left Bree in the first place (or why he’s in a wheelchair), but he made his not-entirely-welcome return last night. Orson claimed that his girlfriend had kicked him out, but it turns out he’d left her to try to get back together with Bree. I don’t have very fond memories of Orson as a character, so I wasn’t particularly glad to see him back, but I have to admit it was fun seeing him stir the pot (which contained coq au vin). I would’ve liked to have seen Bree stand up for Keith a bit more, since Orson was openly being an ass to him, but (in a distinctly “Desperate Housewives”-y moment) she ended up rolling around with him in manure to prove her devotion. I’m still not sure if Brian Austin Green is going to be a part of this show for the long haul. Bree’s hesitation and lack of enthusiasm at his proposal says “no”, but her rolling around in steer manure says “yes.” (Also, “Eww.)

Lynette already has approximately 27 kids, so she couldn’t possibly want to take MJ on. Besides, she’s dealing with the revelation that Renee slept with Tom some 20 years earlier. (While they were on break, apparently.) I thought the show would drag this secret out a bit longer, but Renee’s conscience couldn’t bear it and she spilled the beans. Initially, Lynette responded how you’d expect her to (that icy stare she gave Renee was seriously scary), before devolving into totally unexpected behavior.

Apparently, to punish her husband for keeping that secret for 20 years, she’s decided to…play a bunch of practical jokes on him. Last night, she scalded him with hot coffee, and next week it looks like she switches the sugar for salt, and messes with his recliner. Huh?! I don’t really get it, but my best guess it that this is the show’s way of conveying that Tom and Renee’s “betrayal” is really no big deal.

Then again, maybe Mike would be just fine as a single dad. For most of the episode, the writers wanted us to believe that it was Mike who’d taken a shot and wounded (not killed Paul Young). Maybe Felicia Tilman offered the cash-strapped Mike some serious money, and he couldn’t refuse, so why not? By the end of the hour, Mike denied having anything to do with the shooting and I remembered that the writers wouldn’t wrap that mystery up so quickly. (Or dare to have Mike do something interesting.)

More importantly, Paul now knows that his bride Beth is Felicia’s daughter. I’m actually pretty intrigued with how complicated and twisted their relationship has gotten. Beth was sent to Paul as a spy on Felicia’s behalf, but ended up falling for the guy. Paul, despite stopping just short of raping his wife in order to get sex, eventually won her over and saw her as his only ally. Now that trust is betrayed, even though (unbeknownst to him) she has true feelings for him.

This isn’t going to end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? If the idea is that Juanita is fat because Gabby isn’t her real mother, then why is Celia also chunky? (Why wouldn’t she look more like Grace?) Why are Mike Delfino and Felicia Tilman even in touch? Finally, and most importantly…did MJ ever get his ice cream sandwich? Finally, any new guesses on who shot Paul Young?