NFL Week 8 Picks

I was offline for the better part of last weekend, but now I’m back with a new batch of predictions (sure to go wrong).

Then again, I actually fared decently way back in week 6 (10-4 week, 43-31 season) so let’s take a look at what’s in store for week 8.

MIAMI @ CINCINNATI
Miami’s lost to some really good teams, and they’re actually a little better on the road. Plus, the Bengals are pretty sucky. (Don’t pay attention to those relatively close final scores – that’s mostly Carson Palmer padding his stats in garbage time when the other team stopped trying.)

JACKSONVILLE @ DALLAS
I still haven’t gotten the bad taste of watching the Jags play on Monday Night Football a couple of weeks ago. I was ANGRY at how bad that game was.

WASHINGTON @ DETROIT
Definitely tempting to take the Lions at home (especially now that they’re getting healthier), but they seem to be a trendy pick this week. I’m sticking with the Skins, who have found a way to win close games more often than not this year.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY
More interesting from a fantasy standpoint than from a real-life standpoint. Hey, at least Ryan Fitzpatrick (pictured, left) has made the Bills interesting from ANY standpoint. The Bills aren’t going into Arrowhead and coming out with a win.

CAROLINA @ ST. LOUIS
Nice win by the Panthers last week and tough loss by the Rams in Tampa last week (fortunately, only 800 people saw it in person). I expect the Rams to bounce back with a big win at home. (Which is a sentence I’ve already typed more than once this year – didn’t see that coming!)

GREEN BAY @ N.Y. JETS
Not a good scene for the Packers. Banged up team going on the road…against a good team (with a great defense) coming off a bye…coming off an emotional, draining win. This has letdown written all over it. (I mean, would even Packers fans be mad at them for losing this one?)

DENVER @ SAN FRANCISCO
Sorry, England.

TENNESSEE @ SAN DIEGO
Although it’s fun to watch the Chargers come up with new, creative ways of losing games (false start right before a potential game-tying kick), it’s about time they start turning things around, no?

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA
I want to go with my heart, but I’ve seen the Cardinals at home – they’re a different team. (A good team.)

MINNESOTA @ NEW ENGLAND
I realize people are obsessed with whether or not Favre plays, and Randy Moss coming back to New England. I’m flipping this matchup around a bit – this is a HORRIBLE matchup for the Vikings defense (which thrives on putting pressure with their front four) against Tom Brady and a New England offense which is back to dinking and dunking people to death like it’s 2003!

SEATTLE @ OAKLAND
As good as Arizona is at home, that’s how bad Seattle typically is on the road. (Even though I applied this same logic two weeks ago, and the Seahawks beat Chicago on the road.)

PITTSBURGH @ NEW ORLEANS
Pittsburgh could be the best team in the league – but New Orleans NEEDS this one. Badly.

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS
You’ve gotta go with Peyton Manning at home in primetime. Mostly though I’m hoping for a high-scoring game since three of my offensive fantasy starters are prominently involved.

America's Next Top Recap: Commercial Flops

I usually love commercial week on “Top Model.”

I realize it’s a bit cruel to say, but watching these girls attempt to act and trip over lines that inevitably include the phrase “lash blast” (sometimes while having to do a foreign accent) is a major source of entertainment for me on this show. I was particularly encouraged last night when we learned the girls wouldn’t be selling a Cover Girl product — they’d be shilling “Head to Toe” vitamin water, a fake brand conceived by Tyra based on one of the phrases she made up and desperately tried to coin! (Read that last sentence again, and let the insanity wash over you.)

The commercial even had an original — and amazingly awful — pseudo-rap song for a soundtrack. Also, this year’s “foreign accent” was “roller blades” in the Unnecessary Obstacle sweepstakes.

Still, even though the great majority were every bit as awesomely bad as you would expect a bunch of non-actors to deliver (forget acting — they can barely MODEL!), it was far from a laugh riot thanks to a front-runner’s (literal) stumbles and another contestant’s major revelation.

The episode began with Ms. J and superstar designer Zac Posen stopping by the house and telling the girls they’d be wearing Posen’s 2010 fall collection in a runway show. They would also be walking alongside professional models. (Further hammering home the point that the contestants are not actually models.)

Before the show, Ms. J told the models to be extra bitchy to the contestants in an effort to rattle them and test their resolve before and during the show. I thought it would’ve been funny if the show edited out the scene of Ms. J giving these instructions and we all just assumed the models were major bitches, while my girlfriend preferred to imagine that the models were originally horrible on their own and the scene with Ms. J was added in afterwards.

Either way, the models seized their roles with relish (hey, there WAS some good acting in this episode). I’m not sure if that’s the reason a relatively mediocre runway show — it could just be that the girls aren’t very good models. Ann looked uncomfortable, Liz looked too hoity-toity, but Esther’s wobbly walk was the worst. (Not the last time these three would struggle again.) On the other hand, Jane (who’s coming on as a model lately, if not as an exciting person) did well, but the win (and Zac Posen clothes) belonged to Chelsey, who had a strong, sassy walk.

Later, Mr. Jay and Nigel stopped in for the second rude, unannounced visit at the model house to announce the commercial shoot. In addition to selling (fake) Vitamin Water on roller skates, the girls were supposed to get all kissy with a guy at the end of the commercial.

Kayla was seriously freaking out about the prospect of nuzzling up to a guy. At first, I assumed it was because she was gay — which was also her inspiration for wanting to appear on the Grammys — but she revealed to Mr. Jay that (needle scratching on record sound!) she had been sexually assaulted repeatedly when she was 11 years old. As silly a show as this is, I have to give Mr. Jay credit for handling the matter in a sensitive way and gently reminding Kayla that she couldn’t be a successful model if she was too willing to pass up on certain opportunities.

Kayla’s commercial ended up being not very good, but she engaged the camera pretty well, and Tyra randomly became enamored by the idea that she looked like she was from the hood. Either way, Kayla’s commercial wasn’t even in the top 3 for awfulness.

I’m awarding Liz the bronze medal, even if her laughing through her screw-ups didn’t annoy me nearly as much as it did Nigel. The silver medal of futility has to go to Ann, who fell so often as she tried to get her lines out that the male model ended up spotting her. It was truly uncomfortable to watch.

In a related story, you’re not going to believe this, but Chris — the one person who looked really comfortable on the skates (some backwards action) — did the best and easily earned top honors!

That left Esther (pictured, right) as the winner/loser of the gold medal for awfulness this week. Her commercial was lifeless, dull and completely forgettable. Unfortunately, those nouns can (and were) applied to Esther as well. She was going home even if she hadn’t been in the top 2 along with Ann, who had ZERO chance of going home.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a bigger ripoff in this world than the concept of “vitamin water”? Anyone else kinda shocked Kayla’s revelation didn’t come up during panel? Finally, given her performance in the last two weeks and her increasingly shaky confidence, is it actually possible that Ann WON’T win?

Glee: "Rocky" Road

I realize last night was “The Rocky Horror Glee Show” and we’ll get to that eventually.

First, I want to commend the show for finally acknowledging its biggest problem: the fact that its protagonist has morphed into a mind-bogglingly stalker-ish douchebag.

(I’ll try to keep it short because I’M even tired of reading my rants about how much Will Schuester sucks…Matthew Morrison deserves better)

I almost sprained my eyes by how much I was rolling them early on when it was revealed that Will’s sole motivation for having the glee club stage “Rocky Horror” was so he could get close to Emma after he found out she was a big fan of the movie. The problem, of course, is that Emma is in a relationship with a perfectly decent (even if he’s a little full of himself) guy in Carl (John Stamos). The bigger problem is that Carl actually appears to be good for Emma, curbing many of her obsessive compulsive tendencies. The biggest problem is that Will knew all this and STILL actively tried to break up the happy couple…even after he promised Carl he’d back off.

…and this is the guy we’re supposed to root for. That season 1 performance “My Life Would Suck Without U” by the glee club and dedicated to Mr. Schue after everything he did for the club seemed like it happened five years ago.

Leave it to Sue to help Will realize what an ass he’s been recently. Hopefully, the character will now go back to spending more time helping the glee club succeed and less time trying to break up other people’s relationships.

Besides being the “Rocky Horror” episode, it was also Halloween week on “Glee.” Sue (as usual) had the best line when she dubbed the holiday, “the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores.” On the other hand, Brittany’s line about how she her costume is a “peanut allergy” may have finally crossed the threshold of how dumb she can be. (I usually find everything she says hilarious, but that was a little too left field for me.)

But enough about the ladies for now. The episode’s most delightful surprise was that it ended up tackling the issue of body issue with men, which, according to Artie, can be traced to the Internet giving women access to porn.

Even if I didn’t totally buy that Finn is really THAT uncomfortable with his body (had we ever even gotten a HINT about this issue?), the arc was well played and addressed an issue I don’t think I’ve ever seen discussed before. Finn was nervous about appearing on stage in his tighty whities, and Sam (with his ridiculously sculpted abs) was little help. That reminds me – I’m still thoroughly enjoying Chord Overstreet and Sam’s cocky dimness on this show. I’m enjoying the fact that he was concerned about “nuttage” in his tiny gold shorts. I’m curious to see how much they continue to use Sam when Puck returns from juvie next week. (The two seem to occupy much of the same space character-wise.)

But this was the “Rocky Horror” episode (directed by Adam Shankman), and I suppose I need to talk about that a little bit. I’m not in the “Rocky Horror” cult by any stretch of the imagination. I went to one of the famous midnight screenings, enjoyed myself and lied about being there before so that I wouldn’t have to go on stage to do “The Time Warp” with the other first-timers.

I liked that they got “Rocky Horror” cast members Barry Bostwick and Meat Loaf to make cameos, but I didn’t care for how bizarre it was. For some reason, they were “X-Files”-ish TV station suits who convinced Sue to join the production so she could do an expose – and obviously Mr. Schue didn’t see through this. You know Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World”? Well, I nominate Will Schuester as the “Most Gullible Man in the World.”

Yikes, I’m slipping into Mr. Schue-bashing again. I’d better start grading the musical performances.

“Science Fiction Double Feature”…A-: The musical portion (sung by Santana’s lips) was short and sweet, but what really impressed me was the way the opening emulated the movie’s credits with the “Glee” characters’ names.

“There’s a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)” …Incomplete: Too short for me to give it a proper grade. (Carl barged in and rightfully called out Schue for his shenanigans). The fact that we went straight from the opening into another musical number made me excited about the idea that maybe the entire (or at least most of the) episode would be the kid’s staging the musical…alas it was not to be.

“Damn it, Janet”…B+: It’s a funny song, and one of Corey Monteith’s better moments on the show. Again, too short for my taste, since Sue came in to talk with Will and pulled us away from the action, which featured fun background work.

“Whatever Happened to Saturday Night”…B+: It was really good to finally hear Stamos sing, and see Carl’s swagger as Schue stewed in the corner. Oh wait, I forgot that I’m probably not supposed to be happy that Schue is pissed off. The vocals sounded a little too overproduced, but that’s just the way this show rolls, unfortunately.

“Sweet Transvestite”…C: Don’t get me wrong. Mercedes sounded good, but that’s because Amber Riley pretty much ALWAYS kills it vocally. There were two problems: 1.) It was a typical Mercedes performance, which means she wasn’t really doing Frank-N-Furter. 2.) It makes no sense for someone who is a woman (and is made up to look like a woman) to be singing this song. I feel silly pointing this out).

“Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a Touch Me”…B: I’m just going to skim the over Jayma Mays ridiculously overworked vocals (I’m betting she doesn’t have the strongest voice, so I can dig them giving her help). That aside, it was an impressive, sexy number (we need to see THAT side of Emma more) even if my big takeaway was the fact that my abs will never look like Matthew Morrison’s. Actually, my big takeaway was that I would DEFINITELY watch a spin-off starring Brittany and Santana. I’m not sure why they were outside the window, spying on Will and Emma, but it was pretty funny.

“The Time Warp”…A: The best episode-closing number of the season. The choreography was outstanding, the enthusiasm was infectious and even Quinn didn’t sound half bad. (Sounds like Dianna Agron got with a vocal coach this past summer.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Where would you rank it among the show’s other “theme” weeks? What do you think about the show tackling the way men are objectified the same week Agron and Lea Michele stirred up controversy for their GQ photo shoot? Anyone else getting a little annoyed when Mike randomly gets up and starts popping and locking during ever song? Finally, anyone else pretty bummed Tim Curry didn’t show up?

Jackass 3D Review

You know who was my favorite character in “Jackass 3D”?

It wasn’t Steve-O, who displays a curious sense of childlike glee even as the stunt he’s performing is making him sick. It wasn’t Bam Margera, who shares my absolute terror of snakes and my love of sneaking up behind people and punching them in the face with a boxing glove. (Ok, only one of those things is true.) It wasn’t even Johnny Knoxville, the jovial ringleader of the “Jackass” crew.

It was the one camera guy who literally couldn’t stomach some of the antics displayed in the movie and repeatedly vomited. Now THAT’S a stand-in for the moviegoing audience if I ever saw one!

Going into “Jackass 3D” I was a bit worried that I wouldn’t be able to follow what was happening because I hadn’t seen “Jackass” or “Jackass Number Two.” (It turned out to not be an issue — probably because I’m so smart.)

The story…HA! Just kidding. “Jackass 3D” — as I suspect the previous two movies were — is really just a presentation of the group’s elaborate, disgusting, distasteful and, yes, oftentimes hilarious stunts…but in 3D.

The only problem is that, besides the movie’s opening/closing credit bits, there really isn’t that much of a reason for “Jackass” to be in 3D. (Other than the corresponding upcharge that helped this movie become a box office smash, of course.) Then again, the point of “Jackass” is that there isn’t much of a reason for anything the crew does.

Whether you enjoy this movie or not depends on your tolerance for poop, dildos, vomit, urine and seeing grown men inflict pain on each other in extraordinary ways. Personally, I seriously admire the fact that these guys have the imagination to ask questions like, “What would happen if we ran through a maze covered with stun guns and cattle prods?” or “Could we really extract a tooth by tying it to a Lamborghini and driving off?” More importantly, they have the guts (and lack of regard for their bodies) to go out and try to answer them.

Of course, even at a lean 94 minutes some of the gags end up feeling repetitive. In fact, my favorite scene was probably the one with the midgets in the bar because of how surreal and absurd it was. I mean, there’s just no way watching a guy get whacked in the groin for the 27th time is going to be as funny as it was the first time.

But it was still pretty funny that first time.

Jackass 3D…B-

America's Next Top Model: Designers Challenge

Her? Really?

I mean, we all knew that Ann’s winning streak had to come to an end eventually, but did that really need to happen at the hands of a woman who — according to the well-regarded and esteemed “What John Thinks” blog — kinda sucks?

More importantly, now that Ann’s top photo domination has been halted…what exactly do we have to look forward to? I mean, she’s still going to win this thing, right? For me, the only suspense involved seeing if she could win top photo honors every single week along the way.

The episode began with Kendal bragging about how she didn’t hug the much-maligned Kacey after her elimination last week and only gave her a half-hearted handshake. (Karma…is that you?!)

The girls then took a trip to the Grammy museum where they got to see some memorabilia (the Michael Jackson section was particularly popular) and received the week’s challenge from Mr. Jay and Neil Portnow, the president of the Recording Academy. (AKA: the guy who symbolizes it’s time for you to take your bathroom break when he pops up on the Grammys telecast.)

Portnow announced that the challenge was for the girls to pair up and dress their partner in what they thought a “Grammy girl” should look like. (Grammy girls are the ones who hand the winners their awards.) The reward for the challenge was the chance to be a Grammy girl on the next broadcast…at least I assume the reward involved handing out some trophies that are actually televised. (You never know.)

Jane and Esther came up with utterly forgettable dresses for each other, Chris and Kendal appeared to be the only two people in the room who didn’t realize their dresses were more suitable for a (strip) club than the Grammys. (Don’t they know only the artists can wear stuff like that?) Meanwhile, Ann was paired up with Chelsey, and Chelsey had a cow when Ann accidentally(?) got her a size 12 dress. That’s the same as a size 2 dress, right? I mean, there’s a 2 in it! Sure it’s upsetting, and if it were anyone else but Ann we’d be crying “sabotage”, but Chelsea actually didn’t look bad in it — the worst thing about it was Chelsey’s defeated/stank face.

That left Kayla and Liz as the winners. It didn’t look good at the beginning when Liz asked for long, flowy black dress and Kayla basically said, “Pfft, I ain’t doing that.” Liz was initially upset about having to rock a pair of pants (when’s the last time a Grammy girl wore pants), but eventually owned the outfit. Still, Kayla was declared the winner.

Liz took it well — all she did was get drunk back at the house and stumble around in a montage that wasn’t nearly as amusing as the editors hoped it would be.

The week’s shoot featured guest photographer Francesco Carrozzini, who “What John Thinks” special correspondent Erica (aka my girlfriend) reports has “dreamy eyes.” (I want to disagree, but I don’t want to hate either.)

The idea was for the models to channel some of the world’s most famous fashion designers. It ended up being fun enough — usually getting these girls to dress up as dudes or adopt characters is good for a few kicks. The only problem is that, although I’ve heard of Vera Wang and Marc Jacobs, I have no idea what these people are actually like, so I couldn’t really tell if the models were doing a god job of channeling them.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) some of the models were just as clueless as I was. Liz and Kendal, specifically appeared to be lost, but ended up with very different results.

Although I said that she “kinda sucks” last week, Liz (pictured, left) deserved the top photo honors she got for channeling John Galliano. (My response: I didn’t know Johnny Depp designed clothes! And he's wearing Bret Michaels' weave!) Liz’s photo was my favorite, but I also really liked what Kayla brought to the table as Vivienne Westwood and I thought Chris’ personality was a PERFECT match for Betsey Johnson.

The judges all fawned over Ann’s pic (as usual), I thought she seemed stronger in the photo shoot. Also, the photo Tyra picked for Ann (as Alexander Wang) featured the same wide-eyed, spooked expression we’ve seen from her before — what else ya got?

Still, Ann had infinitely more success with her gender-bending efforts than Jane (as Marc Jacobs) and Esther (as Christophe Decarnin), who ended up in the bottom two.

Luckily for Esther, she was in no danger of going home because Kendal absolutely bombed the shoot as Vera Wang. If we’re going by Kendal’s interpretation of Vera Wang, apparently Wang’s trademark is that she, um, stands there…with a blank look on her face. Just terrible.

Goodbye Kendal. You assume that your exit handshakes and hugs were heartfelt — but you’ll never really know, will you?

So what’d you think of this episode? Who knew there was such a thing as a Grammy museum? (Is there an Oscar museum out there I don’t know about?) Who’s your favorite designer to dress up as? Finally, if you could hand out a Grammy, which category would you pick and who would you want to give it to?

It's Kind of a Funny Story Review

There are few things worse in this world than a whiny teenager.

(Please allow me a brief pause to sadly acknowledge the fact that I’m now old enough —and far enough removed from being an adolescent — to complain about whiny teenagers.)

That’s part of the reason I wasn’t really encouraged when the protagonist in “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” — based on the novel by Ned Vizzini — checks himself into a psychiatric ward, convinced that he wants to kill himself because…well, he’s not really sure.

I was afraid we’d be in for 100 minutes of painfully self-absorbed navel gazing because who wants to watch a kid act like his issues are the end of the world when we adults have REAL problems to deal with?

Fortunately, the writing-directing team of Ryan Fleck and Anna Boden (“Half Nelson”) mostly managed to sidestep that inherent problem by presenting the story in a way that allows the main character to struggle and deal with his issues, while also letting him recognize how relatively minor they are compared to others.

They also get a major assist from an impressive, eclectic cast led by Keir Gilchrist (“United States of Tara”) as Craig. Gilchrist, who looks like Justin Long’s younger, even skinnier brother, doesn’t initially make a strong impression. Since the first thing we learn about the character is that he wants to kill himself (despite appearing to have a relatively stable and normal life, including caring and aloof parents played by Lauren Graham and Jim Gaffigan), you’d be forgiven if you peg him as a whiner.

But as Craig realizes his problems aren’t nearly as bad as those of his new roommates, Gilchrist does a good, subtle job of making the character’s improvement feel organic and earned. Just because Craig isn’t schizophrenic or suicidal doesn’t mean that his problems don’t matter. (Yes…I just went triple negative on you!)

Gilchrist is pretty good, but the star of the show is recently-minted comic superstar Zach Galifianakis as suicidal Bobby, who takes Craig under his wing. It was clear to me before watching this movie that Galifianakis could act (go watch any “Between Two Ferns” episode online), but I was still pleasantly surprised by his phenomenal performance. The guy could’ve been forgiven for going over the top (he’s playing a mental patient, after all), but Galifianakis reins himself in impressively, resulting in a more affecting performance.

I suppose the other main cog in the movie is Emma Roberts as the conveniently fetching cutter Craig becomes interested in. Julia Roberts’ niece doesn’t do groundbreaking work (we’ve seen this dark character before), but she displays a strong enough screen presence that there’s a decent chance we’ll one day not refer to her as Julia Roberts’ niece.

The rest of the cast is rounded out with impressive work from good actors like Viola Davis, Jeremy Davies (both underused), and an eye-catching turn from Zoe Kravitz (yes, THAT Kravitz) as another object of Craig’s affection.

Setting a movie in a psych ward can limit you as a filmmaker (all those white walls!) so I was happy to see Fleck and Boden find creative ways to tell their stories, including using animation and musical sequences. (Not unlike how “500 Days of Summer”) found a way to play with storytelling tools.)

“It’s Kind of a Funny Story” may not feature the year’s showiest plot, but it finds a way to deal with its grounded protagonist in a showy way — I thoroughly enjoyed the “Under Pressure” sequence, even as I recognized how cheesy it was — and it’s also one of the best movies I’ve seen this year.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story…A-

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Review

There’s not a fantastic track record for actors re-visiting their Oscar-winning roles — and I’m one of the people who enjoys “Hannibal”!

In “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”, Michael Douglas once again throws on a dizzying collection of fantastic suits and ties to play Gordon Gekko, the disgraced corporate raider who exits prison at the start of the film after a decade behind bars.

However, the problem with the new “Wall Street” isn’t Douglas, the same way the flaws “Hannibal” have little to do with Anthony Hopkins. (A great actor/role is hard to screw up, even in a below-average movie.)

The problem with “Money Never Sleeps” is that it’s about 20 to 30 minutes long because it tries to be too many movies at once. Besides obviously examining the state of our country on the brink of its economic collapse, it wants to be a father-daughter drama, a revenge flick, an environmental crusade, and a hard-hitting examination of acapella music. (Ok, I MAY have made the last one up.)

In the end, it winds up doing none of those things very well — or at least not effectively enough to be a satisfying movie.

Still, the movie’s far from a waste. Other than Douglas, the cast features four Oscar nominees…and Shia LaBeouf too!

Ok, that was kind of mean, and he doesn’t deserve that because LaBeouf is actually REALLY good here. He plays Jacob Moore, a young trader who loses his mentor early on and looks to exact revenge on Bretton James (Josh Brolin), the new corporate raider on the block. Jacob also happens to be dating Gekko’s daughter, Winnie (Carrie Mulligan), which is what presumably brings Gordon to the action this time around.

LaBeouf is actually the one who drives the action here the same way Charlie Sheen’s Bud Fox drove the action in the original. (Sheen allegedly makes a cameo as Bud Fox, but since he looked like he stumbled off the set of “Two and a Half Men”, and had two women at his arm, he really appeared as “Charlie Sheen.”) LaBeouf has always been good at playing intensely intelligent young motormouths, and that skill serves him well here with all the financial jargon he has to spit out. (To be honest, I couldn’t always follow what the heck was going on.)

No offense to his career as an unlikely action star, but THIS is the kind of movie Shia LaBeouf should be doing.

Douglas, in slightly more of a supporting role this time around, slips back into the Gordon Gekko persona easily. He also smartly uses his now-advanced age as an advantage. Just when you think prison and the ensuing years have softened Gekko, you find out he has a trick up his sleeve.

The rest of the cast don’t fare nearly as well as LaBeouf and Douglas. Brolin’s James is supposed to be the new Gekko, but since he’s supposed to be bad guy we root against (as opposed to Gekko’s charming rogue this time around) he’s deprived of any charisma. Mulligan does what she can (especially during the scene when Winnie and Gordon make somewhat of a breakthrough) with what is mostly a wet blanket role. Meanwhile, Frank Langella does much more with his handful of scenes than Susan Sarandon as Jacob’s mom. (Seriously, what was she doing in this thing?)

All that being said, my least favorite thing about “Money Never Sleeps” is that it is almost completely unrecognizable as an Oliver Stone movie. Where’s the energy, drive and visual flair from the movies he made in the 80’s and the 90’s. Whether you hated them or loved them, you used to always be able to tell when you were watching an Oliver Stone movie.

In the end, this yearning-to-be topical sequel ends up being a disappointment (though it’s far from an embarrassment). Oh well. At least now I have a new favorite subtitle to stick at the end of random movie titles. (“Paranormal Activity 2: Money Never Sleeps.”)

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps…C+

Dancing with the Stars: This S--- is Bananas!

Were there always this many theme weeks? I don’t think so.

It feels like the show is trying to do everything in its power to distract us from the fact that this is the weakest crop of dancers in recent “Dancing with the Stars” history.

Now, I realize “Dancing with the Stars” is only approximately 20% about, um, dancing, but this subpar group is making everything that’s not about insane costumes, critiques, props, and Brooke Burke comments unbearably boring.

And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the actual competition last night didn’t get started until about 30 minutes!

Let’s break down the dancing (because we have to), as the couples tackled TV themes.

Brandy and Maks: It was all downhill from here — at least in terms of the judges’ leader board, since Brandy and Maks danced away with the week’s highest scores thanks to their quickstep to the “Friends” theme song. I think this was Brandy’s strongest dance to date both from a technical and a performance standpoint, so I’m glad that she was rewarded with 9s. I just don’t understand why their characters were apparently seven years old. (Seriously, what was up with the giant lollipop?)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Tell me that I passed out and DREAMED that the judges gave this train wreck three 7s! Bruno had it right when he compared Florence to a rag doll after the way Corky manhandled her across the dance floor. (So why in the hell did Bruno give her the exact same score as his peers?) I would give Florence credit for tackling a tougher routine if she’d been allowed to take her own steps rather than having Corky pull her along for the ride. Also, whose idea was it to do a tango to “The Brady Bunch” theme song?! Finally, the Barry Williams/Florence Henderson relationship(?)…still creepy! This was all so bad that my girlfriend Erica threatened to stop watching “Dancing with the Stars” when it was over. Seriously.

Kurt Warner and Anna: Their quickstep to the “Bewitched” theme song was fine and Kurt remains fun to watch (despite his sometimes-wonky posture), but my favorite thing about them this week was Anna having no idea what “Bewitched” or Walter Payton were, and expecting all of us to know that Strelka and Belka are two Russian dogs who went into space. With so many Pros from other parts of the world, why haven’t we seen this kind of culture clash before?!

Audrina Patridge and Tony: Let’s settle this once and for all: “Unwritten” is NOT a TV Theme song — it’s a hit pop song that played at the beginning of “The Hills.” (Conversely, “I’ll Be There For You” would be nothing without “Friends.”) Let’s talk about Audrina — she didn’t look COMPLETELY dead in the eyes, but she still didn’t bring nearly enough intensity to the rumba, which also didn’t flow enough. On top of that, now her breath reeks.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: As soon as Kyle and Lacey started busting out their disco moves, I knew Len was going to hate it. And, yes, Len has a point the foxtrot-to-disco ratio probably skewed too much toward the latter. Still, I would remind Len that they’re dancing to the “Charlie’s Angels” theme song! (That’d be the TV show, not the Cameron Diaz/Drew Barrymore version, Kyle.) That show was SO 70’s-riffic, I’m not sure what else they were supposed to do. Blame whoever’s coming up with these theme weeks, Len! I thought Kyle was strong this week (particularly in his partner work). My favorite part of the whole thing (other than the announcer’s voice coming out of the intercom) was Lacey’s “oh well” attitude. (She KNEW Len would hate it, but oh well.)

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick and Cheryl’s rumba to the “Hill Street Blues” theme song was actually my favorite dance of the night. That’s quite an accomplishment seeing as how the duo managed to be sexy without being overtly vulgar. It’s also an accomplishment because it was a dance set in a police station’s locker room. Before the dance, Rick introduced Cheryl to former teammate Kobe Bryant and former coach Phil Jackson. I hate the Lakers and, as a Knicks fan, I SHOULD hate Phil Jackson for the way his Bulls terrorized my team in the 90’s. But I don’t — he’s just a cool guy. In a related story, I have no problem hating Kobe. (Although, I’d like to know how he knows that basketball players have done badly on this show…has he been watching?!)

Bristol Palin and Mark (pictured, right): It’s the one people are talking about, and it was a TRULY unfortunate performance — but I’m not mad at Bristol for doing it. Her technique has been solid, but she’s bored me to tears these past few weeks. She definitely wasn’t boring last night. Unfortunately, she sacrificed pretty much all her technique, tripping over her gorilla costume and forgetting the routine. Still, I didn’t hate it — at least not the way Bristol hates the jive. Also, gorillas are NOT monkeys (or Monkees).

Jennifer Grey and Derek: After all the mediocrity that preceded them, I had high hopes for Jennifer and Derek, so they were destined to fall short. Technically, the dance (a foxtrot to the “Married with Children” theme song) was fine, but it was definitely missing a spark. I guess they left all their passion and emotion in the rehearsal room after their “argument.” Come on, producers! We all know Jennifer Grey is going to win this thing, no matter how much you try to make it look like she’s struggling.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you watch a new “Charlie’s Angels” starring Lacey, Chelsie and Kym? (I’m thinking Lacey would have to go back to brunette.) Are you enjoying Eliza Dushku’s “I’ll cut a bitch” face whenever Carrie Ann fawns over Rick as much as I am? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m predicting a shocker — I think it’s going to be Kyle!)

Desperate Housewives: Thanking the Little People

It’s a good thing that shadowy figure showed up towards the end of last night’s episode.

Four episodes in and we haven’t seen nearly enough development on most of the storylines established in the season premiere: we still have no idea what Paul’s plan is (just that it involves snatching up Wisteria Lane properties), Susan is still stripping for her supper with no end in sight, and Bree is still pining away for her handy man Keith. (Though judging from the previews for next week, it looks like she actually gets him.)

The most infuriating of these storylines has to be Paul Young, which is REALLY not good seeing as how he was set up as this year’s Big Bad.

Last night, Beth found out that Paul had purchased his old house (in addition living in the house their currently renting from Susan). He also not-so-subtly suggested to Mrs. McCluskey that she may want to get rid of her home because you never know when you could have an accident. (Shades of Dave Williams temporarily fooling Mrs. McCluskey into thinking she was senile and getting her sent to the hospital.) Later, zzzzz…wake me up when something new or interesting happens.

That’s why I was glad to see that faceless figure pick up the remnants of Susan’s billboard at the end of the episode. (Why would Susan tear it down, but not throw it away or hide it?!) It could be Paul, who could use this information in his diabolical plans. It could be Keith, who HAS to be hiding some sort of secret, no? It could be Mike, who becomes enraged with and feels betrayed by Susan and demands a divorce. Or it could be a random guy who hates litter.

Speaking of Susan, she felt like she had to get out of the domestic porn game after her landlord informed her that the Web site’s owners were expanding their U.S. presence. Of course, that meant billboards of Susan would be popping up all over town. Susan came up with the cash to prevent it from happening, but that put her back in the poor house and in a position where she’s seemingly going to have to do something she doesn’t want to do. (I’m assuming it involves more graphic nudity, as opposed to actual prostitution.)

Also, what’s all the fuss over Brian Austin Green? Obviously, I’m not exactly supposed to be his intended audience, but I’m not even talking looks. Keith isn’t THAT young (certainly not as young as John the Gardener), and, from what we saw in last night’s episode, he’s kind of a dim bulb.

The reason I’m asking is because if Bree and Renee are going to fight so deliciously over a man, the guy should be worth it.

Renee fired the first shot last night when she flew Bree’s daughter (welcome back, Danielle) and grandson into town just for the sole purpose of having the little tyke say “grandma” about 75 times in Bree’s presence. The gag itself wasn’t as funny as imagining Bree at a Black Eyed Peas concert.

After Bree found out what Renee’s weak spot was — little people(!) — she arranged to have a friend from church(?!) stop by and freak Renee out during her dinner date with Keith. My favorite thing about Renee’s freakout was that it was the first time I’ve watched Vanessa Williams on this show and NOT thought of her as Wilhelmina Slater. (Although a little Wilhelmina is just fine here and there — like when she thought Gabby was “Juanita.”)

By the end of the episode, the two had called a truce and Renee let Bree have Keith. I’m glad — this silly feud lasted exactly long enough without feeling tired.

Speaking of feeling tired (segue way!), I can totally understand why Penny was getting up in the middle of the night to feed her baby sister — Lynette WAS a much more pleasant and bearable character when she had help with the baby. Of course, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of this, which landed her in the (world’s most judgmental) principal’s office.

Lynette asked Tom to hire a babysitter. I seem to remember them having a babysitter in season 1, and that not working out so well after Tom saw her naked by accident and got turned on. Then again, Lynette looks like she has more to deal with these days, so I’m sure she’ll welcome the extra help.

Finally, there was Gabby. She and Carlos tracked down the parents who have been raising her biological daughter and the two met up.

Big thumps up to the casting department for finding a little girl to play Grace, who looks and acts like Gabby’s mini-me. (And, to a lesser extent, for giving us portlier biological parents for Juanita.)

Gabby became instantly and strongly attached to Grace, and over-stepped her boundaries by wanting to give the girl a $1,400 hand bag. The mother balked, but Gabby found a way to give Grace — who reminds Gabby of herself when she was young and had nothing — an expensive trinket.

Eva Longoria Parker continues to be severely underrated for her ability to play a deeply shallow character, yet make us root for her. Grace is a sweetheart, and there’s already tension with her parents…I don’t see how this can possibly end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s the ultimate endgame for Gabby and Carlos’ storyline? Is James Denton awake when he films his scenes? Finally, who do you think the faceless shadowy guy is?

NFL 2010 Week 6 Picks

I’ve got a pretty busy Sunday, so let me sneak these picks in before my day gets started.

I had a decent week last time (8-6 week, 33-27 season), but I hope I do even better with these picks.

SEATTLE @ CHICAGO
The Bears get Jay Cutler back (an upgrade after an all-time atrocious performance by Todd Collins, but I’d pick them anyway because Seattle is horrible on the road.

MIAMI @ GREEN BAY
Green Bay’s dealing with a LOT of injuries, but it looks like they’ll have Aaron Rodgers back. I just think they have too much firepower for Miami.

SAN DIEGO @ ST. LOUIS
Norv Turner in danger of losing his job – a September/October tradition unlike any other. Look for the Chargers to start turning it around.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND
I picked the Ravens last week versus the Broncos because Denver only does one thing well on offense – pass the ball. Pretty much the same story with New England, don’t you think?

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY
I want to go with my hometown boyz, but Drew Brees and the Saints HAVE to explode at some point, no? (At least for the sake of my fantasy team.)

DETROIT @ N.Y. GIANTS
It was pretty gracious of Tom Coughlin to vacate the hot seat so that guys like Norv Turner, Wade Phillips and Mike Singletary could get off their feet for a while, wasn’t it?

ATLANTA @ PHILADELPHIA
A lot of people consider Atlanta to be the best team in the conference and they’re currently atop the NFC South – which is why it’s about time they drop a game and come back to the pack. (No one this year is allowed to have more than a one-game divisional lead.)

CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH
And here I thought the Browns actually LIKED rookie QB Colt McCoy (pictured, right). I guess not! If they did, why would they give him his first start on the road against a fierce Steelers defense that’s coming off a bye. Colt must’ve pissed somebody off.

KANSAS CITY @ HOUSTON
Kansas City looked impressive in a road loss to the Colts last week, and I definitely expect them to look impressive again when they lose to the Texans on the road this week.

OAKLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO
Ok, the Niners HAVE to win at some point, don’t they? If they don’t Mike Singletary could get fired, and I don’t want to live in a world in which Mike Singletary isn’t ranting, yelling at his QB in the sideline and, I guess, coaching.

N.Y. JETS @ DENVER
The Jets defense is probably just as good (if not better) than the Ravens defense that shut the Broncos down last week, so what do you think is going to happen?

DALLAS @ MINNESOTA
Whichever team loses goes to 1-4 (but is not necessarily eliminated from playoff contention), while the team who wins goes to 2-3 (and their coach ends up on the lukewarm seat). It’s fun to see “America’s team” AND/OR Brett Favre struggle. One of my favorite movie taglines is “Alien vs. Predator”: “Whoever wins, we lose.” Well, in this case, “Whoever loses, we win!”

INDIANAPOLIS @ WASHINGTON
When the last time you watched a regular season, prime-time game in which Peyton Manning and the Colts didn’t kick ass? (Well, it was that one game against the Chargers in which they allowed a couple of kick return touchdowns, and Manning had about 9 turnovers…but that was YEARS ago.)

TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE
Least interesting Monday Night Football game of the year, or least interesting Monday Night Football game EVER? (Seriously, Jacksonville?! What were they thinking?)