NFL 2010 Week 12 Picks

I love the NFL on Thanksgiving!

Few things are better than vegging out in front of a TV and watching football before (mmm, those smells) and after (oy, I can’t move) Thanksgiving dinner.

Speaking of which, I did decently this past week (9-7 week, 76-54 overall) but hope to do even better this time out. (But I probably won’t.)

NEW ENGLAND @ DETROIT
The Lions are so pathetic that my favorite thing about their mandatory Thanksgiving game is that I get to use the picture accompanying this column.

NEW ORLEANS @ DALLAS
The Saints seems to have found their groove offensively. On the other hand, I’m hearing whispers about some people actually talking themselves into the Cowboys running the table and making a playoff run. One of these two things will come to a stop tomorrow. (Hint: it probably won’t be the Saints’ offensive explosion.)

CINCINATTI @ N.Y. JETS
Did you hear where T.O. called Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis an “average” cornerback. The Bengals are such in the pits that T.O. is now just saying things to hear himself talk.

GREEN BAY @ ATLANTA
In a showdown between the best two teams in the NFC (for this week), I’ll take the Falcons in their dome.

PITTSBURGH @ BUFFALO
Buffalo showed last week that it has some real firepower (I think they just scored on the Bengals again), but I think the Pittsburgh D is a different story.

CAROLINA @ CLEVELAND
In a season with pretty mediocre teams, we really should applaud the Panthers for being 100% the worst, and having the fortitude to be flat-out TERRIBLE.

JACKSONVILLE @ N.Y. GIANTS
The Giants are hurting (both figuratively and literally), but that’s precisely when they seem to respond to one of Tom Coughlin’s (figurative, I hope) tongue-lashings.

MINNESOTA @ WASHINGTON
I feel like the Vikings will be able to take a long enough break from celebrating the firing of coach/knucklehead Brad Childress long enough to take care of business against the Skins.

TENNESSEE @ HOUSTON
So apparently, Vince Young texted an apology to head coach Jeff Fisher for being a cry baby. Apparently, that’s the 2010 version of “manning up.” The Texans are reeling, but as much as I want to take someone named Rusty Smith on the road in his first start, I just can’t.

KANSAS CITY @ SEATTLE
Two of the league’s best home teams. The Seahawks are at home, plus it feels like it’s time for Seattle to pull off one of its inexplicable wins.

MIAMI @ OAKLAND
The Tyler Thigpen era in Miami did NOT get off to a good start. I like Oakland to bounce back in the Black Hole after getting a spanking (sounds naughtier than it was) from Pittsburgh.

ST. LOUIS @ DENVER
St. Louis comes close to winning on the road, but seem to always come back short. Plus, Knowshon Moreno will make his 2010 Fantasy Football debut on my roster his week. (Let’s just say Tom Coughlin isn’t the only guy benching Ahmad Bradshaw this week.)

PHILADELPHIA @ CHICAGO
Ok, I’ve been a persistent hater of Chicago: if they win THIS one, then I’m on board. Promise.

TAMPA BAY @ BALTIMORE
Call it a homer pick, but the Bucs are a different (better) team than the one that got blown out earlier this year by the Saints and Steelers.

SAN DIEGO @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Chargers usually give Peyton Manning trouble, but the Colts need this one to take control of/keep pace in their division. (We all know the Chargers are going to win every game in December, so they’ll be fine.)

SAN FRANCISO @ ARIZONA
Tennesse @ Jacksonville…you have some SERIOUS competition for Worst Monday Night Football game of the year!

Glee: Bully for You

Wedding bells were ringing on “Glee” last night.

Not only did Burt Hummel marry, um, whatever Finn’s mom’s name is (fine, I’ll run to Google…her name’s Carol…you happy now?), but Sue tied the knot with the only person in the world who’s truly worthy of marring Sue Sylvester.

Don’t fret though. All the wedded bliss didn’t interfere with the show’s primary mission in season 2: eradicating teen bullying/gay bashing.

I hate to sound flip because I really do admire the fact that an incredibly popular primetime show is tackling such a serious issue that affects so many young people.

The problem I have is two-fold. 1.) The recent focus on Kurt’s conflict with closeted bully Karofsky can’t help but come off as a direct reaction to all the attention the bullying of gay teenagers has received in the media recently. That’s actually not the worst thing in the world – I mean, why shouldn’t a show try to be topical? My only question would be, where was this hard-hitting examination of bullying during the first season when EVERY member of glee club was being harassed? Why did it have to happen to a gay character to finally make everyone rally and stand together?

My second and more selfish/subjective complaint is that “Glee” is simply not a good enough show to competently tackle this subject. I watch the show and (believe it or not) enjoy significant portions of it, but it’s true! The show’s ostensibly about celebrating life by accepting and celebrating everyone’s differences, but I don’t think this heavy-handed approach works very well for what is, at its core, a(n erratic) musical comedy. The tonal shifts are too jarring, as is the irony that the show’s most popular character is probably the biggest bully in the world!

Oh well, I WAS glad to see Mr. Schue, most of the glee club members (Finn’s always a little slow) and Burt come to Kurt’s defense after no McKinley High student so much as lifted a finger when Kurt began being brutalized a few weeks ago.

The club put preparations for “Sectionals” on hold (they’re going to come up with a set list at the last minute anyway) to sing at the wedding of Kurt’s dad and Finn’s mom. A lot of Burt and Carol’s relationship has developed off-screen, but their wedding scene did a nice job of conveying their love for each other (even if they spent more time talking about their kids during their vows).

Finn, not wanting to jeopardize his status as the school’s top dog by defending Kurt, eventually manned up and delivered a wedding toast that was classic Finn (touching in how clumsy it was), even if it was actually directed at wedding planner Kurt instead of the married couple.

Cory Monteith also had a good moment when Finn fended off Santana’s advances by professing his love for Rachel. (Now please give Rachel a decent storyline, stat!) Speaking of getting a decent storyline, the show appeared to be on the verge of giving lonely Santana a chance to shine (she’s lonely now that Brittany is dating Artie, who just lies there, and desperately throwing herself at Finn), but we can’t have that when there are guest stars to incorporate into the mix!

This week’s guest star was the great Carol Burnett, who stopped by as Doris Sylvester, Sue’s Nazi-hunting mother. She was in town to attend Sue’s impending nuptials: Sue was marrying herself! (Don’t worry, it was as dumb as it sounds.) More disappointingly, I feel like the Sue/Doris storyline came off as a throwaway, since this episode had bigger, more bullying fish to fry. (I didn’t really buy the tenuous “Doris was a bully” connection.) Also, the overused joke that Doris is a famous Nazi hunter was twice as dumb as having Sue marry herself.

Either way, those two kick off our look at the evening’s musical performances:

“Ohio”…C+: The performance itself was good, even if the justification for it (beyond, “We HAVE to have Carol Burnett sing somehow!”) was very weak. I’m generally not a fan of having Sue sing. Although Jane Lynch probably has a better voice than a couple of the actors who are in the glee club, that club is supposed to be her sworn enemy. Having her sing feels to me like Elmer Fudd talking about how much he hates rabbits (or “wabbits”), only his best friend is a rabbit. Still, shoe-horning a musical number for Carol Burnett and Jane Lynch isn’t the worst crime in the world.

“Marry You”…A: The “Forever”-lite choreography was fun and lovely and gave pretty much all the kids a chance to shine. Hell, I would’ve given this thing an ‘A’ just for the little dance Mike O’Malley did when he walked down the aisle.

“Sway”…B+: Yes, this was pretty brief, but I think less Mr. Schue (even on this Buble cover of “Sway”) is more.

“Just The Way You Are”…B-: The performance followed Finn’s touching toast at the wedding, and when he started singing, I thought he was singing it to his mom. (Awww.) Instead, it turns out he was singing it to Kurt. (Huh?) Look, it was a sweet sentiment (that every one of his friends and family members accept Kurt just the way he is). The only problem is that this Bruno Mars tune is CLEARLY a love song. Having Finn sing it to Kurt was downright weird, in my opinion.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one who thought Sam and Quinn were already boyfriend and girlfriend? Which nickname would you pick for yourself: Gelfling, Porcelain or Tickle-Me Doughface? (That was pretty mean, but give Sue props for ultimately having Kurt’s back.) Finally, now that he’s transferred out of McKinley, how long will Kurt stay at the Dalton Academy? And who will he root for during Sectionals?

Dancing with the Stars: Threestyle

We’ve almost reached the end of what could end up being the most controversial season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

At least five different people have told me that, “If Bristol Palin wins, I’m not watching anymore.” I’ve also seen that sentiment echoed online countless times.

Here’s what I’m thinking: (Besides, what the hell am I doing talking about “Dancing with the Stars” with so many different people in my life?!)

If Bristol wins, it would obviously be ridiculous (you CANNOT justify it in any way from a technical standpoint, and she doesn’t even seem like she wants to win). It would also be a pretty scary display of Sarah Palin’s ability to mobilize her fan base. (If she can get people to call in and vote on a silly dance show, what else can she do?) Finally, I would keep watching the show because I enjoy it a great deal, and because I don’t believe Palin’s victory would open any sort of Pandora’s box that would allow future teen activist daughters of controversial political figures to win every season of “DWTS” from now on.

In fact, in the year of Gretchen over Mondo on “Project Runway” (and even Lee DeWyze over a pathetic field on “American Idol”), Bristol Palin winning this thing perhaps makes a perverse sort of sense.

But enough about all that — you know how you feel about that topic, and now you know how I feel. Let’s break down the dancing last night (in order of appearance), which featured a “redemption” round and the ever-popular “freestyle.”

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Len stopped by the studio to help Kyle with his “redemption” foxtrot. If you recall, Len hated the original “Charlie’s Angels”-inspired routine, even though there was no way for it not to be incredibly cheesy and 70’s-tastic. I think Len’s visit and his tips for Kyle’s technique would’ve been more welcome a few weeks ago. In my opinion, Kyle has already done a good enough job of shoring up his technique to match the undeniable charisma he’s always had as a performer. That’s probably why I agree with Carrie Ann that the first half of the fox trot was too “Why so Serious?” It seems like he sacrificed some of that spark to deliver a routine that was pleasing to Len (who STILL only gave him a 9!) That being said, I still really enjoyed it, and it’s absolutely ridiculous he wound up with the exact same score as Bristol. (More on this in a moment.)

Their freestyle routine was fun and irreverent (just like Kyle), but other than a few cha cha moves, I didn’t see quite as much actual dancing as I would’ve liked. Still, I forgive them for bringing an incredible amount of energy and some impressive side-by-side moves from Kyle. Also, I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing Len Good man throw up gang signs or say the word “boogaloo.”

Bristol Palin and Mark: I just can’t with this girl anymore. I know she called out her haters during her rehearsal package, but I actually don’t consider myself a hater. I thought she out-danced Brandy last week in the first round, and I’ve never called her a terrible dancer. I just think her lack of energy/enthusiasm for this silly show is a MAJOR drag. This was perfectly encapsulated by the shot of visiting judge Bruno and Mark going crazy in front of a mirror to get her to cut loose and Bristol standing stock still. Her “redemption” dance was the jive, which we know she hates because she’s been quoted as saying “I hate the jive.” The redemption dance was only a slight improvement in that she actually remembered her steps this time and didn’t have to deal with a cumbersome mid-dance costume change. (The dreaded gorilla head DID make a cameo.) There was no bite or power behind her kicks (a requirement in the jive), and I guess her dancing to “Move” from “Dreamgirls” was supposed to be an ironic choice.

Although her freestyle dance was better, things only got more awkward in the rehearsal studio. When Mark told her they’d be performing a freestyle to the “Cell Block Tango”, Bristol informed Mark that she’d never heard of it or seen a Broadway show ever. That’s fine — but why not go on YouTube or maybe express some excitement over trying something you’ve never done before? I mean, you’re in the finals! Why not try to have a little fun with it. Like I said, the routine was ok (could’ve been subtitled “Bristol Palin dancing in a cage!”). However, I mostly think it was a really cool routine (I liked the tug of war portion) that was completely wasted on a totally disinterested person.

Jennifer Grey and Derek (pictured, left): We’ve come to expect the judges to over-score dancers in the finale. Not only are there generally good vibes going around, but the judges often use inflated scores to bolster a bottom dweller (hi, Bristol!) or establish a clear favorite. Now, I think Jennifer has been pretty great all year and deserves to win, but I wouldn’t say she deserved a perfect 60 this week (or last). Unless we’re grading on a curve – this just in…we’re grading on a curve. Anyway, she more than redeemed herself for her previous paso doble, mostly because the original paso doble wasn’t all that bad and was memorable for Carrie Ann’s “You need to calm down” overreaction. That being said, Jennifer (mostly) took Carrie Ann’s advice on her arm movements, but the biggest strength of the routine was (once again) more ridiculously good choreography from Derek.

For her freestyle, Jennifer carried a watermelon (you didn’t they’d wrap this thing up without another oblique “Dirty Dancing” reference, did you?) Despite showing some apprehension during rehearsal, her fun freestyle ended up featuring more tricks and lifts than anyone else’s, and she pulled them off very impressively. Again, nothing too memorable or to make you jump out of your chair – I was mostly glad Derek didn’t break her.

So what’d you think of this episode? How great was it that they showed clips of Marie Osmond’s freestyle during that video package as an example of how the freestyle can totally derail you? Now that we have Jamie Lee Curtis and Melanie Griffith in the ballroom, what 80’s/early 90’s icon can we expect to see next? (Where art thou, Daryl Hannah?) Finally, who ya got? (I’ve got Kyle coming in third, Bristol second so they can milk this as long as they can, and Chosen One Jennifer Grey as the winner.)

NFL 2010 Week 11 Picks

Yeah, so last week didn’t go so well with the picks.

I featured a picture of Chad Pennington along with my column (he’s out for the season after two passes, if you’re scoring at home), and the picks themselves were nothing to write home about (6-8 week, 67-47 overall).

I blame these stupid Thursday night games for rushing me. Also, my lack of insight into the NFL probably hindered me. Let’s see if I can do any better this week.

CHICAGO @ MIAMI

Sorry, I still don’t think the Bears are very good. Also, I don’t think new QB Tyler Thigpen is that bad. (Best third-stringer in the league behind Colt McCoy?) If this game were in the Chicago cold, you could talk me into the Bears. Since weather won’t be a factor in the Miami evening, I think the Dolphins are the better team, everything else being equal.

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI

Yes, the Bengals are a cake wreck, but they’re not untalented. At some point, pride has to kick in, right? (Ok, maybe not.)

DETROIT @ DALLAS

Break up the Cowboys! How many more wins until people delude themselves into talking playoffs for Dallas? Two more? Three more?

WASHINGTON @ TENNESSEE

I think the Eagles just scored another touchdown on the Skins. Just a complete embarrassment.

ARIZONA @ KANSAS CITY

I thought Arizona was supposed to be good at home, but they got hammered by Seattle last week. Let’s just say I don’t like them on the road in one of the toughest stadiums to play in.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA

This is Aaron Rodgers “Mortal Kombat”-style “Finish him!” game in regards to Favre and the Vikings. Mostly, Favre.

HOUSTON @ N.Y. JETS

The Texans have to be WAY down after last week’s Hail Mary loss. I actually think they bounce back this week and shock the world. (Plus, they’re under .500...they have to always be hovering just around the .500 mark.)

OAKLAND @ PITTSBURGH

I have a feeling the Steelers are going to be annoyed that they got their necks stepped on by the Patriots.

BALTIMORE @ CAROLINA

If somebody held a gun to my head and told me I had to correctly pick one NFL game in any week of any season or he would shoot me, I would pick Baltimore in this one. That’s how bad Carolina is.

CLEVELAND @ JACKSONVILLE

The Jags HAVE to be riding high, but I like the scrappy Browns to win this one on the road. They’ve given great teams (Saints, Pats, Jets) all they could handle, so they should be able to take the Jags, no?

TAMPA BAY @ SAN FRANCISCO

If I told you before the start of the season that one of these teams would be 6-3 and the other would be 3-6, would anyone believe the Bucs would be 6-3? I mean anyone who isn’t actually ON the Bucs.

SEATTLE @ NEW ORLEANS

Ok, Seattle...fine. I’m ripping off the “horrible road team” tag I slapped on you. But you’re still not going into New Orleans and beating them coming off a bye.

ATLANTA @ ST. LOUIS

The Rams are tough at home, but if the Falcons are who we think they are (there’s Best Team in the NFC buzz) they need to win this one.

INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ENGLAND

Tom Brady played the best he’s played in YEARS against the Steelers last weekend. Peyton Manning (pictured, right) and the Colts are wounded. When these two teams get together, it’s usually an instant classic, and I expect nothing less. It’s the regular season, so I’m taking Manning and the Colts. (Boom! Backhanded compliment!)

N.Y. GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA

I was one of the millions of fantasy football owners who watched in horror as Michael Vick lit up the scoreboard for my opponent, helped him overcome a big lead and destroyed my spirit. He WAS sensational, but after the never-ending hype he HAS to be due for a come down, no? Conversely, is there any way the Giants don’t whip their own asses into shape after being embarrassed at home by the Cowboys.

DENVER @ SAN DIEGO

This should be another shootout. I think the late-season Chargers comeback continues.

America's Next Top Recap: Motion Sickness

(Close-up of my mouth as my lips whisper) “Jooohhhnnn.”

No, this is not Tyra Banks making her “blogging debut.” I just had to get my homage to a certain destined-to-be cinematic masterpiece out of the way at the start.

I was pretty tough on “Top Model” last week after the pathetic go-see disaster. (I think Kayla somehow just walked up to the Versace fashion house again!)

However, I’m excited to report the show bounced back with two (hell three!) delicious scoops of crazy last night thanks, in no small part, to Tyra Banks’ directorial debut “Modelli Folli.” (That’s “Model Madness” to us crude Americans.)

But we’ll get to how I’ve never ever rooted harder for my DVR not to cut off the end of an episode a little later.

We’re down to the final four and the episode’s operative word was “personality.” Seriously, if you had taken a shot every time someone said or alluded to one of the model’s personalities last night, you’d be drunk enough to get “Modelli Folli.”

To that end, the girls briefly met with an acting coach who was there to help them emote, and I was left to wonder if there’s any way for anyone to do any sort of acting exercise without looking like an idiot. (Though that’s kind of the point.)

The girls were supposed to use their newly-acquired “skills” to wow Franca Sozzani, Vogue Italia’s editor-in-chief.

Kayla, riding high from two straight top photo wins, talked more about her pictures than herself and pretty much completely blew it. Chelsey came in and was the most engaging, talking about how she used to save up money to buy Vogue Italia in Idaho. Ann, who desperately tried to come out of her shell throughout the episode, was her usual shy self, while Jane was pretty stiff and forgettable.

The winner (by default) was Chelsey, though I did like that Sozzani conceded that some people (like Ann) are just shy, and that’s not the worst thing in the world. Also, a peppy/perky Ann would’ve been phony and no one wants to see that. What I didn’t like was the way ALT was talking to Sozzani from the doorway throughout their conversation. I get why he was hanging back while the contestants were in there, but why the hell wouldn’t he come closer when it was just him and Sozzani in the room? Did she reek or something?!

Chelsey’s reward was a private viewing of The Last Supper, and she brought Kayla along. The two also got to hang out a seven-star hotel. Ann and Jane, meanwhile, stayed home, had Chinese food, doodled a drawing of The Last Supper, and displayed more personality in about a minute or so than they have throughout the entire competition.

Pretty soon, we came to the episode’s main event. Instead of a photo shoot, Tyra would direct the girls in a “motion editorial”, which I’m pretty sure is something she just made up the same way she likes to make up words. (Hello, “smize.”)

While they were filming, none of the girls seemed to bomb, so it was hard to see who stood out. Even Chelsey (pictured, right), who seemed to get off to a rough start, bounced back and wound up being my favorite. She was giving me some Daryl Hannah in “Blade Runner” vibes, and her walk was so fierce that Tyra didn’t even wind up using anyone else’s in the final cut.

(What? Did you seriously think I would talk up “Modelli Folli” this much and NOT link to it? That thing even freaked out Fellini!)

You want to know what the weirdest thing about this entire episode? I’ve convinced myself that Tyra made it this bad ON PURPOSE. Wait, don’t leave…hear me out!

Whatever you think of her public persona, I think if we’re being reasonable, we can agree that the woman is not an idiot. Whether she’s crazy is up for debate, but I’d argue that her “craziness” is akin to that of a fox. More importantly, Tyra HAS worked with some of the world’s top fashion photographers and I’m sure she’s even been around some great filmmakers. If she ever really, SERIOUSLY tried to make a good film, do you really think it would wind up looking like a pretentious Calvin Klein ad from hell?

You just nodded didn’t you? Ok, moving on.

Since Chelsey did so well and Ann has been killing it most of the season, when Ann was called first as a finalist, pretty much all the suspense over which two girls would be going home was gone. Kayla seemed to lose steam (and confidence) in this episode, while Jane was just too stiff and robotic in some of her movements.

That being said, I’m actually really impressed with the finalists we have, and I also think this is the strongest final four in a while. (Out of the girls who were eliminated, I especially think Jane will do well.)

So what’d you think of this episode? How much does an issue of Vogue cost in Idaho? (From the way Chelsey was going on about it, I’d guess about $45.) What’s the most amount of stars a hotel in Italy can earn? (Seven out of seven? Seven out of 10? Seven out of 100?!) Finally, who ya got? Chelsey’s walk is a million times better — which is especially crucial for the season finale’s runway show — and I picked her to win from the beginning (honest!).

But it still has to be Ann, right?! The judges and designers she’s met over the course of the competition absolutely FAWN over her model bona-fides. Smart money’s on her.

Glee: Holliday In

Even though I’ve been warming up to him lately, Will Schuester is still kind of an ass clown.

That’s why I was pretty happy to see the glee club leader get temporarily sidelined. And in favor of an Oscar winner, no less!

For me, Will at his most likable when he fights for what’s best for the kids. On the other hand, he’s at his absolute worst when he’s putting his own interests ahead of the glee club. That would include staging a musical production to steal someone else’s girlfriend (hello, “Rocky Horror” episode) or forcing his outdated musical tastes on the kids. (I’ll admit I LOL’ed at “There’s GOTTA be a Journey song we haven’t done yet!”)

But out of all the people to come in and take his place…Gwyneth Paltrow?! I’m pleased to report that Paltrow actually kind of killed it as the inappropriate outfit-wearing/Mary Todd Lincoln-impersonating substitute teacher Holly Holliday. Still, although she was pretty strong, Paltrow couldn’t quite help from giving off that indulgent “Ooh, look how cool I am — I’m a respected dramatic actress, so you wouldn’t expect me to be doing this stuff” vibe.

Still, she CLEARLY had a blast, so who am I to begrudge her anything? (We’ll get to her musical “chops” a little later.

Holly was a big hit in the kids with “Glee” club because she let them do whatever they wanted. She later got in trouble with Sue because it turns out that letting a bunch of teenager do whatever they hell they want isn’t a good idea. Who knew?! Still, Will sympathized with her desire to be accepted, and the door is open for the return of Holly Holliday. (Not a porn star nor a drag queen.)

The reason Mr. Schue was out of commission was because of a Sue-orchestrated monkey flu plot that initially took out Principal Figgins, before sidelining Will. It was all part of Sue’s successful power play to become principal. Her first attempt at wielding power, however, failed when coach Beiste pointed out that with no football team, the Cheerios would have no one to cheer for. Why didn’t Sue just have that same girl sneeze on Beiste? (Also, is it just me or is Sue becoming more and more unnecessary to this show from a storyline standpoint? Jane Lynch continues to kill with all her lines, but still…)

Since that didn’t work, Sue decided to take away the school’s tater tots/deep-fried deer poop. (Um, sure…that makes sense…oh wait, this is “Glee”! Nevermind!) That dovetailed into the plot involving lonely Mercedes, who was getting annoyed that Kurt was spurning her to hang out with Blaine and became REALLY incensed when Sue banned tater tots.

To be honest, this plot was so stupid and random (had the words “tater tots” even been uttered by Mercedes on this show before last night? Now she’s obsessed?!) that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I wish the writers would be a little more creative with their characters’ storylines. Not EVERY Mercedes storyline has to revolve around her appearance. Not EVERY Kurt storyline is required to showcase his struggle with being gay. (Although, I did love Mercedes’ demented hallucination: “I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!”)

The musical performances in “The Substitute” were predictably Gwyneth-centric (you don’t cast an Oscar-winning guest star and put her on the sidelines) and featured a couple of tributes to “Singin’ in the Rain.” Here’s what I tell people about “Singin’ in the Rain”: I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a perfect movie, but I can’t think of a single bad thing to say about it. In short, I adore it.

Keep that in mind when I tear a couple of the performances apart below:

“Forget You”…B-: LOVED the infectious energy from Paltrow and the glee kids in this scene. The only problem is that it didn’t make sense for Holly to be singing this song. (Pick another “Top 40”/current song!) Why would a woman be singing to a man about the “change in my pocket” not being enough? They don’t pay for stuff! This felt like one of the times the show forced a song the producers liked into an episode.

“Make ‘Em Laugh”…C-: This fantasy sequence was a cute tribute and a fine showcase for Matthew Morrison and Harry Shum Jr.’s dancing skills, but ultimately it was a VERY pale imitation of a classic. They just looked silly compared to Donald O’Connor.

“Nowadays”…C+: Rachel continued to be a non-factor this season. Even when it looked like she was going to be the only person to resist Holly’s spell, she eventually caved in. This was a reproduction of the number that closes “Chicago.” It may not have paled as much in comparison as “Make ‘Em Laugh” did to the original, but still…why?!

“Umbrella/Singin’ in the Rain”…B: This was somewhere in between last week’s successful male mash-up and the failure that was the girls butchering two rock classics. Musically it was a bit messy. I was more impressed with the way the music video’s and the movie’s choreography where mashed-up. Also, lavish production numbers like this one is probably why Principal Figgins is always bitching about how there’s no more money for glee club.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone else surprised at themselves for missing Terri or was that just me? Where are the other four black guys at the school? (R.I.P. Matt/Shaft, wherever you are.) Why are the letters “m” and “n” so similar? Finally, didn’t you kind of wish Will’s toddler hallucination went on a little longer? (Or featured a second scene.)

Dancing with the Stars: Going Solo

So many questions surrounding Bristol Palin as we headed into the semifinals.

Is she the worst dancer to make it as far as the semifinals? (I still say Ty Murray was technically worse, even though you couldn’t help but love the guy.) Will she crack a smile? (Almost!) Would she be the worst dancer to ever make it into the finals?

On a night where the judges seemingly threw almost all their paddles numbered “8” and below into the garbage, I can definitely see it happening.

And after watching Monday night’s performances, I wouldn’t even be outraged. I’ll explain why when we start discussing each couple’s two performances — the first of which required a solo from the Stars — in order of appearance.

Let’s get to it:

Brandy and Maks: I didn’t see Maks and Carrie Ann make nice on last week’s results show, but I was wondering if she was going to pounce on them after their paso doble because, to me, this was CLEARLY THE WORST DANCE OF THE NIGHT. Brandy looked frail, scared and intimidated out there. I get that part of that was by design of the routine, but this performance was mostly uncomfortable to watch since Brandy sometimes reverted back to her tentative, robotic movements. I hate to be Conspiracy Theory Guy, but when I saw the judges give her three 9s, I thought to myself, “Oh yeah, there’s no way the judges are going to take the chance that she gets a lower score than Bristol.” The obnoxious cherry on top was her dedicating this performance (set to Katy Perry’s “Firework”) to all the kids who’ve been bullied. (Oh brother.)

Fortunately, Brandy bounced back brilliantly with a beautiful Argentine tango that featured all the attitude and swagger she desperately tried to convey in the paso. She exuded power while also appearing light as a feather during her lifts. This performance was sensational and deserved the three 10s it got!

Jennifer Grey and Derek: I enjoy watching Jennifer Grey on this show as much as the next guy (though not as much as her husband Clark Gregg, who could be seen joyfully stomping his leg and clapping in the front row during her cha cha cha), but do we REALLY think she was perfect last night. Yes, Jennifer’s solo was the hottest of the night (Bruno would definitely agree), but I don’t think she hit certain parts of the dance as hard as she could have. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not outraged that she got 10s (the way I was outraged that Brandy got 9s for her paso), but I don’t know that I’d have given that a 10.

Same goes for her lovely waltz. Granted, the waltz isn’t known as the most showstopping dance style in the first place. Still, I’m way more ok with this 30 because, since it’s nearly impossible to wow us with a waltz, Derek wisely chose to highlight the beauty and artistry of the dance. (Coupled with his audience-pleasing “Mercy” cha cha cha, Derek had a great night yesterday.)

Bristol Palin (pictured, left) and Mark Ballas: Sure, she wasn’t exactly making the dance floor quake when she stomped on it during the paso doble, but I thought she had her best moments of the season (certainly from a performance standpoint) during this routine. Couple that with her typically solid mechanics (and the fact that she kinda looked like Snooki to me) and you have her best dance. (And straight 9s.)

I was even a fan of her bizarrely-dramatic, “Why So Serious” waltz. As with Jennifer and Derek, Mark probably realized he’s not going to get people on their feet with a waltz, and instead chose to go with a straight-faced, artistic interpretation of the dance which Bristol almost pulled off. Sorry, but Carrie Ann was absolutely right when she noted that her face went in and out of character at different points in the dance. I now realize she was never going to completely throw herself into this show, but based on what I saw last night, I’m encouraged to see that she’s trying to do well and put on a show. (Before this week, I was convinced she wanted to go home…and who knows, she still might.)

Kyle Massey and Lacey: What the hell does Kyle have to do to get a 10 from Len? I’m shocked Lacey didn’t pull one of her patented stank faces (featured prominently in the early parts of this episode) after the notoriously-cranky middle judge denied them of a perfect score twice. I had no idea what song they were dancing to during their first-round samba, but I was bopping my head and body along with it anyway, which means Kyle was doing a great job of making me feel his performance.

His “Jai-ho” tango could’ve been a trainwreck, but he brought an impressive amount of swagger to complement his ever-improving technique. Len basically called him the most energetic showman in the show’s history (before withholding another “10”, by the way), which makes me wonder if he can actually win. Out of the three finalists, I think he’s the one most likely to inspire anyone who’s never watched this show to pick up a phone and vote based purely on his performance. Should be an interesting results show tonight. (Nope, still won’t be watching. Sorry.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you surprised/annoyed/indifferent that Brandy brought up the fact that she was involved in a car accident that killed a guy? Are you disappointed that Jennifer Grey didn’t bring up her nose job? (Before this show, that was basically her claim to fame for the last 20 years.) Finally, do you think Bristol will make it to the finals? (I think she’s done this week.)

NFL 2010 Week 10 Picks

I don’t like Thursday night NFL games.

I don’t like that they’re only on the NFL Network and unavailable to a significant portion of the country. I don’t like that I don’t have any friends with NFL Network whose couch I can invade tonight. I REALLY don’t like that I have to turn in my week 10 predictions earlier than my customary Sunday at 12:30-12:45 p.m. sweet spot.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so cranky. I had a good week in the picks game last time out (10-3 week, 61-39 overall). Hopefully I can keep it going. (Be sure to let me know if tonight’s game was any good.)

BALTIMORE @ ATLANTA
Atlanta’s pretty good at home, but the Falcons best offensive weapon (WR Roddy White) is banged up, and the Ravens stomped a good Miami team last week as if to say, “Don’t forget about us.” (As if we could ever forget about them — they never stop talking about themselves.)

DETROIT @ BUFFALO
I’m going back into “Not picking Buffalo until they actually WIN” mode after they burned me against the Bears last week.

MINNESOTA @ CHICAGO
The Vikings may be a mess, but a few of their players announced this week that they’re not quitting — no matter how much they hate head coach/lamest duck Brad Childress. Even a cursory effort should be good enough to get past the Bears.

N.Y. JETS @ CLEVELAND
I picked them to beat the Patriots last week, but I’m not going to pick the Browns to beat the Saints, Pats AND Jets in consecutive games.

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY
I’m curious to see how the Bucs play in a game where, for the first time in two years, everyone pretty much agrees that they should win. (I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little worried.)

HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE
Watch the Texans bounce back over .500 this week…and below next week. And up and down we go! Weeeee!

CINCINNATI @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Bengals are all but mathematically eliminated from playoff contention in the crowded AFC, so all that’s left is to sit back and watch them implode. (I’ve got Chad Ochocinco going off on a rant in two weeks or less, or your money back.)

TENNESSEE @ MIAMI
The Randy Moss Era begins (again!), this time Tennessee, while the Chad Pennington Era returns in Miami. Don’t ask me why, but I’ve got a funny feeling that Chad’s going to somewhat right the ship in Miami.

KANSAS CITY @ DENVER
Oakland ran all over Denver a few weeks ago, so you’d expect the Chiefs’ high-ranking running game to do the same. Still, I’m picking Denver to fool people into having they have a little life left before Josh McDaniels loses his team at the end of the year.

DALLAS @ N.Y. GIANTS
You COULD say the Giants are the cause of the Cowboys’ current misery since they knocked Tony Romo out of the lineup a few weeks ago, but Dallas was sucky WAY before that. I’m mostly going to miss Wade Phillips’ confusedly staring out into the field as everything goes down in flames.

SEATTLE @ ARIZONA
I think the Giants just scored another touchdown on the Seahawks. (And that was in Seattle, where the Seahawks are allegedly good.)

ST. LOUIS @ SAN FRANCISCO
Stage a late-season rally Niners. I’m not ready to lose Wade Phillips AND Mike Singletary in a single season!

NEW ENGLAND @ PITTSBURGH
It comes down to the Steelers looking stout on defense (as usual), and I don’t really see anyone on New England’s roster that can burn them and allow the Pats to have success on offense.

PHILADELPHIA @ WASHINGTON
Last time these two teams played, Michael Vick hurt his ribs and missed a few games. Last times the Redskins played, Mike Shanahan basically accused Donovan McNabb of being dumb (couldn’t grasp the two-minute offense) before amending it to call him fat (didn’t have the “cardiovascular” conditioning). Is there a better possible ending to an NFL game this season than McNabb leading a game-winning drive in the last two minutes? Please make this happen, football gods!

America's Next Top Recap: Statues and Limitations

I don’t possess a good enough vocabulary to describe just how pathetic the final five’s performance was during go-sees last night.

In fact, if it weren’t for a truly cool photo shoot, this probably would’ve ranked as one of the Worst.”Top Model”. Episodes. EVER.

All the ingredients were there for a brutally forgettable hour: mostly uninteresting contestants doing uninteresting things (how much footage of these girls wandering around and sweating must there be on the cutting room floor?) and a painfully-predictable outcome. Not only did the typically-effervescent Chris (pictured, left) repeatedly doubt herself at the top of the hour, but Kayla was there to helpfully remind us for the second week in a row that “Chris is not high-fashion.”

The girls met up with Tyra at IMG modeling where she gave the contestants a quick tutorial on how to build their portfolios. Believe it or not, I find this kind of thing interesting because it gives Tyra the credibility we often forget she has because she acts and dresses like a looney tune so much of the time. Plus, I learned something too: in Italy, they’re called “go-and-sees.” (I said I learned something — I didn’t say it was interesting.)

Each of the girls had four hours to visit four fashion houses. (Remember this: FOUR hours to visit just FOUR fashion houses that are apparently within reasonable walking distance of each other.) As soon as Tyra revealed that one of those fashion houses was Versace, I predicted all the girls would stupidly go there first. (A better idea would be to go there second, since EVERYONE was going there first — you’d at least have another go-see knocked out.) Jane teamed up with Chris, and Ann tagged along with Chelsey and Kayla even though it appeared she wasn’t invited.

Chelsey basically won because she was the only person to make it to two appointments, and because she made it back in time. Jane and Chris made it back about an hour and a half early, but neither booked Versace. Chelsey didn’t book Versace either, but she at least booked her second job. Meanwhile, Kayla is probably still trying to find her way bag to IMG as I type this. Chelsey’s reward was a Versace jacket, which you can was real…”not a knockoff.” (Thanks for the heads-up Kayla.)

Speaking of Kayla, between her second “Top Photo” honor in a row, and Chelsey’s passion and knowledge for the world of fashion and modeling, as well as her growing momentum in the competition had me thinking that they could seriously challenge Ann for the crown. But then I saw how Versace guy’s eyes lit up when Ann walked in the room and he said she was the only one he would book. (Alas, Ann was disqualified for tardiness). That exchange reminded me, “Oh yeah, there’s no frickin’ way she’s not winning this thing.” (Apparently, it also turned me into a guy from Jersey.)

On to the week’s photo shoot which had the girls made up like statues come to life by the love of their sculptor. Or as Kayla preferred to think of it, “EWWW, boys!”

That being said, I have to give her credit for sucking up her discomfort for the second week in a row and delivering a strong picture. I actually don’t think she looked as “alive” as she should’ve, but her body pose was spectacular. (The makeup and photography this week, actually, was pretty terrific.)

My favorite picture of the bunch was Chelsey’s because she actually managed to look like she was taking a breath. Ann also delivered another strong shot, which was easy to predict because she was eagerly engaged in this week’s artistic shoot.

That meant the bottom two was fairly obvious from the beginning. Chris was a lock because she wasn’t high-fashion (thanks again, Kayla), but it was clear she’d be joined by Jane (who went first) as soon as she burst into tears during the shoot. Jane has been criticized for being too stiff and lacking personality, which you think would be great when pretending to be a statue. Instead, it turned out to be a dud.

Coincidentally, it was those tears that convinced Tyra and the judges that Jane cared about the competition (and was capable of human emotion), allowing her to stay. More importantly, Tyra met her quota of “Tears from a ingénue” for the week, which will allow her to live forever.

Goodbye Chris. I hope your aching feet are feeling better. The first instinct when someone tells you that you should be doing comedy when you’re an aspiring model is to be insulted, but I actually think she would be a really good TV host/red carpet personality. At the very least, you’re much cooler than your downer of a sister. (Admit it: you’d forgotten about Chris’ lame sister!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Were the girls’ performance during go-sees too pathetic (which is what I believe) or just pathetic enough? Finally, do you think the show is overly relying on male models this cycle? (Is it because these girls can’t quite shine on their own?)

Glee: The Kurt Locker

Chris Colfer is terrific on this show and I like him as an actor, but Kurt gets on my nerves.

I touched on this during my recap of “Grilled Cheesus” last month, but basically I hate that — as was the case in that religion-themed episode — whenever the show tackles a capital-S Serious storyline, the burden is placed on Kurt’s narrow shoulders. I mean, when’s the last time Lea Michele got to play something other than “Rachel is a nerdy, self-involved diva/bitch”? Why don’t we ever delve into whatever Tina’s are (beyond the fake stutter)?

Look, I have a heart and I feel bad that Kurt feels incredibly lonely as the only openly gay character at his high school. However, I’m sure he’s not the only character on this show who feels isolated, so how come we never really get to see that explored in an extended way? What’s more infuriating is that Kurt himself is often quick to criticize and judge others with some snap-tastic quip, but when someone (figuratively) attacks him, he can’t jump on his high horse quickly enough. Again, this is no slam on Colfer — just don’t forget to give us the witty and brave Kurt instead of saddling us with the one who is moralizing the majority of the time.

I thought we were headed down that same road during the latest episode, but fortunately, “Never Been Kissed” had a few surprises up its prep school blazer sleeve.

The attacks on Kurt when from figurative to literal when that nasty bully Karofsky kept violently pushing him against his locker. (Honestly, that last shove looked like it could’ve broken Kurt’s arm.) Mr. Schue had discovered their competition at the upcoming Sectionals featured the Dalton Academy Warblers, so Kurt took it upon himself to check out the competition and wound up checking out de-facto lead singer Blaine (Darren Criss).

So far, Criss is as strong an addition to the show (giving Kurt someone he can relate to) as Jonathan Groff was last year, in the role of “dreamy singer from a rival singing group.” (Even though my girlfriend Erica is more of a Groff girl.) Jesse St. James might be the reason I kept expecting another shoe to drop in regards to the Dalton Academy. I mean, didn’t that place seem a little TOO good to be true? What’s stopping Kurt from transferring there from McKinley High immediately?!

Blaine gave Kurt the strength to finally confront Karofsky in the locker room and Karofsky planted a big wet kiss on Kurt, who looked as shocked as the rest of us. Blaine and Kurt tried to confront Karofsky, but the big oaf went back to his bullying ways. More significantly, the show went from depicting one “stereotypically” gay character who is tortured (Kurt) to having three gay characters, including one who is closeted, and another one who seems to be perfectly well-adjusted. Great job on the diversity.

Of course, whenever “Glee” takes a two steps forward, it can’t help but take two steps back.

I’ll admit that the whole Beiste = cold shower storyline for our horny teenagers was good for some laughs. (Tina? Really?!) However, any point the show tries to make with Beiste (big, bad people like her can still get her feelings hurt and still want to feel pretty) is pretty much undermined by the fact that the writers decided to call her “Beast.” Make up your mind, “Glee” — is Beiste a serious character meant to teach us not to judge a book by its cover or is she a joke? You can’t have it both ways.

At least Will continued his encouraging path toward becoming likable again. To be honest, I was less impressed by his sweet pity kiss to Beiste (a little condescending) than I was by the fact that he told Beiste the truth when she asked him why the glee kids were lashing out on her. The typically wimpy Will would’ve kept that from her until it blew up.

I also really enjoyed the scenes between Artie and Puck, who was back from juvie. He told his parole officer that he’d perform community service by helping a “crip”, which meant he hung out with Artie during this episode (not that he mentored a gang member). Puck offered to make Artie cool and got them a double date with Santana (who we know NEVER says no to Breadstix) and Brittany, who Artie now likes. (I guess he’s over Tina.) Artie drew the line and dining and dashing and the two had a falling out.

Their final scene of the episode, in which Puck finally admitted that he was scared of going back to juvie and tired of people not believing in him, is EXACTLY what I was talking about earlier in this recap. If that had been Colfer/Kurt, he would’ve gotten a whole episode dedicated to that. Puck/Mark Salling had to make do with a strong scene at the end of the episode. I’ll take it.

I almost forgot to mention the second annual boys vs. girls mash-up competition, with each gender tackling songs originally performed by their counterparts. In fact, now is as good a time as any to talk about the musical performances:

“One Love (People Get Ready)”…B+: I’m not really sure why this performance even happened or was included in the episode (Breadstix must be expensive), but it was very appealing. Mark Salling gave off a cool confidence and it was great to hear that Kevin McHale’s voice didn’t get over-produced to within an inch of its life.

“Teenage Dream”….A: Let’s be honest here — improving on a Katy Perry song is not the most challenging task in the world for a singer. (And I actually enjoy this particular song.) Even if that weren’t he case, this would stand as a great performance on its own. The arrangement was good (liked the acapella group leanings) and the choreography was cheesy greatness.

“Start Me Up/Livin’ on a Prayer”…C: The girls looked great (I loved how there was a random wind machine in the music room. However, this mash-up did NOT work for me. These are two songs that people REALLY enjoy a lot and putting them together in this arrangement didn’t give us enough of either of them. (And I haven’t even mentioned the general tinny-ness of all-girl groups.)

“Stop in the Name of Love/Free Your Mind:…A-: Now THIS is a much better example of what a mash-up could yield. The wardrobe and the choreography screamed “Stop…”, but the attitude and swagger was all En Vogue. Also, these songs aren’t as overplayed as the ones in the girls’ mash-up, making it easier to mix them together in a surprising and pleasing way.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can we agree that Mike Chang was much cooler when he didn’t talk? What was up with the bizarre fireplace in Quinn’s house (I’m assuming that’s where they were) when she was making out with Sam? Where can I get a good set of confetti canons? (You clean it up, of course.) Finally, have you ever thrown the baby out with the bathwater? (Brittany has.)

Dancing with the Stars: Instant Hit

I’ve complained about the overabundance of gimmicks on this season of “Dancing with the Stars” in this very space. I’ve also theorized that the reason the show has trotted out more theme weeks than ever is to distract us from its mediocre crop of dancers.

When I found out about this week’s “Instant Dance” gimmick, I was NOT encouraged. In case you missed it, each of the remaining five couples danced a ballroom round as usual, but for their second performance, they’d be dancing a pre-determined Latin style to a song they picked out of a giant mirrorball.

I MAY have been more excited if “Instant” didn’t actually mean “about one hour of prep time later.” (But even I can’t kill them for that — the male celebs wouldn’t be able to do anything if they had to lead an impromptu routine.)

All that being said I was pleasantly surprised by two developments: 1.) The “Instant Dance” round yielded some of the season’s best performances. (Tom already made the joke about not telling the couples anything about next week’s performances.) 2.) This group of dancers (particularly the top 3) may not actually be THAT bad.

Enough intro-ing. Let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance:

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Lacey was really tough/screamy on Kyle in rehearsals, but he took it in stride, which made me wonder: does Kyle have the best attitude ever for a “Star” on this show? Discuss.) They were doing the Viennese waltz, which led to this exchange (and I’m paraphrasing) Lacey: “It’s fast.” Kyle: “Well, it’s Viennese.” All right then! I liked the routine, and (like Len) I felt like Kyle vastly improved his posture and foot work. I still thought his arm movements could’ve been a little smoother. I had the routine between an 8 and 9, so I’m not mad that he got straight 9s.

The only thing I remember about his rehearsal for his “Instant Jive” was professional Jackass Steve-O (and former partner of Lacey’s) walking in naked. (I believe a leaf blower was also involved.) Fortunately, Kyle’s fantastic, energetic, infectious (and slightly messy) jive took my mind off of that. He earned the two 10s he got just for his fast and furious side-by-side footwork with Lacey.

Jennifer Grey and Derek (pictured, left): The fact that Broadway legend Joel Grey (“Cabaret”, the “Chicago” revival) is Jennifer’s dad feels like something I should’ve known. You’re not going to believe this, but her balky knees came up again. I don’t have any doubt that she’s in pain, but the fact that it remains the focal point of almost every one of her rehearsal packages makes watching her dance a tense experience. And not in a fun way — it’s more like, “Oh my god, I hope her leg doesn’t fall off!” It’s especially vexing because her bad knee didn’t seem to be an issue at all in either of her routines last night. So it’s almost like I’m worrying for nothing!

Their quickstep was lively, breezy and delightful. Their Instant rumba was terrifically performed, but to me it felt a little like they were posing/stretching rather than dancing at times. I would’ve given her a 9, but I’m not going to begrudge Jennifer her perfect score, especially since my girlfriend Erica said “I wish I could have a body like that when I’m 50.” (My response: “You’re 27…you can!”)

Kurt Warner and Anna: I thought his waltz was his best dance of the season. And if you think that was a backhanded compliment, how about Carrie Ann calling him a “Ken doll for mature people.” (What she meant to say was that he is O.L.D.)

He pulled a “Hella Good” cha cha cha for his Instant Dance. His kids stopped by rehearsal and even they think he needs musicality. I especially enjoyed the Warner child who gave him a 7. Meanwhile, if his waltz was his best dance, then his Instant cha cha cha was his best performance. I would’ve liked to have seen one of the judges slip him a 9 yesterday, since there’s a pretty good chance he’s going home tonight.

Bristol Palin and Mark: We got another appearance from Bristol’s famous mom during her rehearsal this week. My burning question: is Sarah’s husband Todd allowed to talk, or did he simply not say anything interesting enough to air. Either way Bristol’s blank face actually kind of worked for the Argentine tango. (It was easy to believe that she was “kinda upset” if not passionate.) Still, as Carrie Ann pointed out, she needs more power in her legs and movements in general.

On the other hand, her Instant Dance was the closest thing to a disaster last night. She should’ve just stuck with the boob shimmy for the entirety of her samba, which, to be fair, probably WAS the toughest Latin dance a celeb could be assigned for an “Instant Dance.” Mark took the bullet for Bristol (and it DID look like he lost his way for a second), but I’d feel better about her prospects on this show if I believed that she gave a damn.

Brandy and Maks: Finally, Brandy is realizing her “DWTS winner” potential. It’s probably because she finally decided to zip it and just do what her pro told her, even when he was acting like a prick. Their first-round waltz was actually very beautiful and deserved a 30. (I know you’re trying to be helpful Carrie Ann…but NO ONE cares that her neck was a little stiff. Which it was.)

The fireworks REALLY came after Brandy and Maks’ frantic, messy, underwhelming Instant cha cha cha. Carrie Ann was slamming the couple for not dancing enough at the start of the routine, and Maks told Carrie Ann, “Relax, don’t worry about it.” Carrie Ann pointed out that even Kurt had more content in his cha cha cha than Brandy. (I enjoyed how that comment was also a sneaky insult to Kurt.) The whole thing got even more uncomfortable when Maks launched into a mini diatribe defending all the hard work the pros do, as Brandy looked on in horror.

After all that, they still got straight 9s. (The judges want to keep them at the top of the leader board, lest they get knocked off by Bristol’s voting bloc.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it really possible that Brandy has never heard of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”? Who will be crowned the “Best Worst Dancer” during tonight’s results show? (I might just have to break my rule of not watching stupid results shows to find out.) Finally, who’s going home? (I’m done betting against Bristol — so, I’ll go with Kurt.)

NFL 2010 Week 9 Picks

We’re at the halfway point of the season.

That means we should have a decent idea of who’s good and who’s bad — turns out pretty much every one is kinda bad. (Except for the Cowboys…they’re REALLY bad.)

Me? I’m ok (8-5 week, 51-36 season). Let’s see if, unlike almost every time in the NFL, I can break away and become a dominant power.

TAMPA BAY @ ATLANTA
Maybe I’m being a cynical Bucs fan, but I kind of liked it better when no one was talking about Raheem Morris (pictured, right) and his guys and we were the young team that snuck up on people, allowed 150 yards on the ground and somehow won. People are saying this could be a beating, and usually when most people are saying the same thing about an NFL game/team, it almost never happens. I think people are right about this one.

CHICAGO @ BUFFALO
A few weeks ago, I said that Buffalo needed to prove they could win a game before I picked them to actually win one. I’m going back on it: they’re one of the most entertaining 0-7 teams in recent memory. Also, the Bears are kind of horrible.

NEW ENGLAND @ CLEVELAND
New England is quietly rolling with the best record in the league. The Law of Mediocrity in the 2010 NFL season dictates they MUST be knocked down a peg, and the feisty Browns could be the ones to do it.

N.Y. JETS @ DETROIT
The last time the Jets suffered an embarrassing home loss (week 1 against Baltimore), they rolled off five straight wins and looked like the best team in the league. Good luck with that, Detroit.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA
The Saints (and Drew Brees) seemed to find their mojo in that big win against the Steelers last week, and I think they’ll keep it up. (Or I hope they keep it up…my Drew Brees-led fantasy team has lost two in a row, and I need to right the ship.)

MIAMI @ BALTIMORE
Baltimore’s really good (probably great), but Miami just gets it done on the road. I suppose they take their talents out of South Beach.

SAN DIEGO @ HOUSTON
It’s about time for San Diego’s second-half turnaround (it seems like TE Antonio Gates would try to play even if both his feet were removed). It’s also time for the 4-3 Texans to fall back to .500 so they can finish the year in their familiar 9-7, 8-8 sweet spot. Be who you are, Chargers and Texans.

ARIZONA @ MINNESOTA
My fantasy football opponent has Adrian Peterson this week, and the Cardinals rush defense is dreadful. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking/drinking/sniffing glue.

N.Y. GIANTS @ SEATTLE
Seattle is REALLY good at home, and the rolling Giants are kind of due for a stinkbomb, aren’t they? Sorry, I can’t. Not with Charlie Whitehurst in the house.

INDIANAPOLIS @ PHILADELPHIA
Are we entirely sure that Peyton Manning couldn’t have me, you, and your grandmother as his receiving corps and STILL not turn us into Pro Bowlers?

KANSAS CITY @ OAKLAND
Game of the week! Seriously…stop laughing! I’ll take Oakland at home until someone proves they can keep them from scoring more than 30 points. (Add that to the list of sentences I never thought I’d type in the next decade.)

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY
Wade Phillips knows he’s going to get fired. At which point does he snap and start doing weird stuff like coaching without pants?

PITTSBURGH @ CINCINNATI
Finally, a nationwide audience will be exposed to just how bad Carson Palmer is.

America's Next Top Recap: Here Today, Gondola Tomorrow

It never fails — if you’re on a reality show and you start talking about how much you miss your kids, chances are you’re going to be re-joining them soon.

And so it came to pass in the latest, relatively uneventful episode of “America’s Next Top Model.” But just because not that much happened (besides the girls flying halfway across the world) doesn’t mean there weren’t enough crazy things to marvel at.

But we’ll talk about Tyra’s pants a little later.

The episode started with Ms. J and the girls taking a bicycle ride around beachy Venice before coming upon a bridge and having a gondolier-berating Tyra roll up on them. In case they hadn’t already guessed, (and Chelsey’s barely-contained scream told me she guessed) the girls were going to that other Venice in Italy.

(Cue the jacked up plane graphic with the models’ glamour shots in on the windows.)

The girls were understandably psyched to be in Venice and in their luxurious hotel. The excitement was understandably tamped down when a bird pooped on a few of the girls, mostly catching Liz. Liz, who is already predisposed to complaining, wouldn’t let it go (according to the editing), much to Chelsey’s chagrin. Personally, I think the bird spoke for all of us and was the episode’s MVP.

For the week’s photo shoot, the girls would be posing three at a time with a Casanova. For a second, I was hoping they’d be posing with this guy. Instead, they posed with a male model. Mostly though, I wondered why they were doing the week’s photo shoot so early in the hour. (No challenge this week?!)

The best photo in the group belonged to Kayla. It wasn’t just because she outshined bottom-twoers Liz and Chris, but because her photo was the most self-assured and sexiest of the bunch. Not bad for someone who had a meltdown last week over having to interact with a man.

On the other boat, Ann struggled for what seems like the 10th straight week to get comfortable with the shoot and with the model. (From a logistic standpoint, it doesn’t make much sense to put the tallest person on the floor of a gondola.) That allowed Chelsey (still radiating cool without looking at the camera) and Jane to gain ground on former eventual winner Ann. (Now she’s merely a clear-cut front runner.)

Jane, in particular, is interesting — not because of anything she said (bring up your history degree one more time, please), but because I think she looks the most what people think models look like. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing or if the judges are looking for someone more unique.

Anyway, rain cut the shoot a little short and Mr. Jay informed the girls they’d be moving on to Milan, which my sources tell me is also in Italy and not Japan. (Milan does NOT equal “Mulan”, Liz.)

Once they arrived in Milan, the girls spent their time being underwhelmed by their apartment, which was small by “Top Model” standards, but pretty friggin’ sweet by real-world standards.

That’s when Tyra and the tightest pants I’ve ever seen showed up to give the girls lessons about “slumming it.” I honestly couldn’t tell you anything she said because I was mesmerized by those pants. Why were they so tight? Why were they so high? Why did Tyra decide to show everyone the outline of her vagina?

Anyway, from there the girls met Italian designer Angela Missoni, who put their girls in her winter collection because…actually, I have no idea why the hell she did that. The show worked hard to show us how hot it was in Venice and Milan, so it obviously wasn’t winter over there. Maybe there was a challenge this week after all, and it involved the last girl to pass out winning jewelry.

Angela was joined by her daughter/model/designer Margherita Missoni, who joined the judges panel and apparently became the object of Tyra’s girl-crush.

The result of this week’s panel was painfully obvious. Liz was always going to be the one to go home. Nigel seemed to still be mad at her for laughing her way through last week’s commercial, and Chris’ photo wasn’t even all that bad. (It was an interesting shot — just wrong for this photo shoot.)

In fact, the main source of drama came from whether or not any of the girls would faint, since they were forced to appear at the panel wearing those absurd winter duds. I’m glad no one passed out because I don’t want to see anyone actually get hurt…and because no one can ever top THIS.

So what’d you think of this episode? If you were on a reality show, would you ever mention your kids? How many times can ALT describe Ann as “incandescent” before it stops being amusing? Finally, who do you think is the biggest threat to Ann’s eventual win: Kayla, Jane or Chelsey?

Dancing with the Stars: 200th Episode Extravaganza

I think it’s fitting that Cheryl Burke accidentally summed up what “Dancing with the Stars” is all about when she tried (in vain) to get Bristol Palin to do a sexy shimmy during the show’s 200th episode.

“It’s not embarrassing…it’s hot.”

As a “Dancing with the Stars” nerd who has seen every performance episode except this season’s premiere (that’s not embarrassing…it’s hot, right?) I’ll admit to geeking out at seeing past alums return to captain dance teams, serve as guest judges and awkwardly stand up to receive tepid applause.

Last night, this season’s remaining contestants squared off in a team challenge before performing “iconic” routines from years past. Let’s see how they did, starting with the team challenge.

Team Kristi: This team consisted of Rick, Bristol and Kyle and appeared to be at a distinct disadvantage from their more front-loaded opponents. (Both Jennifer Grey and Brandy are probably better than anyone on this team.) I was ready to cry foul until I saw that Kristi Yamaguchi owned the first pick – and selected Bristol Palin. I know Mark Ballas is her guy, but DAMMMNNN!

That being said, I actually quite enjoyed their Michael Jackson-inspired routine. Not surprisingly, their group work was better than their individual segments, with Rick and Kyle standing out and the judges praising Bristol for keeping up (i.e. not completely embarrassing herself) alongside the two female pros.

Team Apolo: Soul patches for one and all! Not that we needed any more proof that Apolo (Not Anton?) Ohno is one of the show’s most popular contestants, but the cheers he got whenever he appeared dwarfed those of pretty much every returning celebrity. The guy is so cool, he doesn’t even have to show up in person to pick his team.

Their rehearsal package for their routine – based on Apolo and Julianne’s “Bust a Move” freestyle – was pretty much a microcosm of what these couples do: Jennifer had to take time off because her body was killing her, Brandy and Maks argued, and Kurt made a joke about how he’s nowhere near the top of the leader board. Team Apolo’s routine was pretty good, but I wouldn’t really say that it was DEFINITELY better than Team Kristi’s. Jennifer, specifically, looked like she was having trouble keeping up during her portion with Derek. Still, the team featured the best two dancers, so you knew they were going to get the higher scores. (Why should the 200th episode be exempt from shady judging, right?)

Kyle Massey and Lacey: True confessions time: my all-time favorite DWTS couple are Mel B and Maks, and my favorite routine is their paso doble, which Kyle and Lacey had to take on. I was happy to see Mel B back on the dance floor (she taught us all the origins of why everyone grabs Tom’s butt) but I was nervous for Kyle and Lacey. Fortunately, they didn’t try to ape the original routine and, instead, adapted it to Kyle’s strength, while still keeping enough of what made the original great. I also enjoyed Kyle’s painted on abs. (Maybe I should stop killing myself every day after work and just get a Sharpie.)

Kurt Warner and Anna: They took on season 2 winner Emmitt Smith’s tango routine, and this is where I first suspected that the show would be stretching the definition of the word “iconic.” I also suspected that each of the guest judges would be awarding 10s after Kurt received one from Emmitt following his slightly stiff, slightly lurching, but oddly-passable tango. (Emmitt actually did make a good point during judging when he pointed out that Kurt brings his shoulder up because football players are taught to protect their necks.)

The highlight with these two, as usual, came during the rehearsal footage, when Anna strapped on a helmet and tried a few drills at an Arizona Cardinals practice. My favorite part was seeing Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald when Kurt stopped by – that’s the happiest I’ve seen him all season.

Bristol Palin and Mark: Bristol and Mark had big shoes to fill in taking on Kelly Osbourne’s waltz – just ask Kelly Osbourne, who told the couple they had “big shoes to fill” during her critique. Alright then. I already lightly touched on Bristol’s blah attitude during the team dance, and she brought said blah attitude to her routine with Mark, who basically guilted her into smiling to mimic Kelly’s joyous original performance.

Bristol smiled for about the first 10 seconds, but then went back to her go-to constipated face and occasionally-forgotten steps. I’m not a hater, but this is a gots-to-go situation.

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick put his own twist on Helio Castroneves’ quickstep by wearing a garish green suit instead of Helio’s garish banana-colored suit. The Jolly Green Giant’s quickstep was technically good, not great – good posture, but a little slow for my taste. Anything he did on the dance floor was overshadowed by the crazed look on his face, which was supposed to convey joy, but actually screamed “Why so serious?!?!”

Still, the highlight was when girlfriend Eliza Dushku (Tru Calling in the house!) stopped by rehearsal, said “This is how we rehearse at home”, and straddled Rick. Be honest: for a little more than a second, you thought they were going to have sex.

Brandy and Maks: Gilles Marini seemed to genuinely enjoy Brandy’s take on his “Fever” foxtrot, so why did he only give it a “9”. (I can see why Bristol couldn’t get a “10” from a guest judge…) Brandy looked strong throughout this dance, more secure on the floor and in the performance aspect. I’m guessing Gilles busted out the 9 because of the alleged mistake in front of the judges table (I rewound and I THINK I saw it). I love how Len completely disregarded the mistake, even if it made him seem a little crazy.

Jennifer Grey and Derek: If you’re a fan of this show, and you hear Drew Lachey’s name, you think “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” That’s just the way it is. Ok, MAYBE you think “Thriller” paso doble. My point is that the tango Jennifer and Derek took on is, at best, the third most popular Drew Lachey routine and not exactly iconic in my book.

The judges tripped over themselves in re-establishing Jennifer as a favorite this season (a phoenix? Really?) She deserved the praise because her tango was really good, but I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable while she was dancing. Jennifer really seems to be struggling physically, and when I watch her dance I can’t help but feel like Derek is going to break her. Sometimes the show throws up contrived obstacles for a season’s front runner, but Jennifer appears to be in real pain, so I don’t think that’s the case. Still, I kind of wish her rehearsal packages didn’t always focus on her ailing health because that’s all I can think about when she performs.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone happier to be back than Cameron Mathison? What did Stacy Keibler and Tia Carerre talk about all night? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (It feels like Bristol’s turn doesn’t it? Then again, you could’ve probably said that for the last two or three weeks.)