Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Fat Chance

We know “Nip/Tuck” can be both fantastically outrageous and relentlessly dark.

“Lola Wlodkowski” went for “fantastically outrageous” and delivered what was probably one of the silliest episodes in the show’s run. (I think it was probably too silly by half.)

Where do I even start? How about with the picture accompanying this column?

Liz had brought her straight, nudist, larger-than-life friend Lola Wlodkowski so that Christian could remove some of her moles. It didn’t take long for Lola to give Christian some serious “f--- me” eyes and for the two to hook up in the examination room. I know this scene was slightly played for laughs, but I have to admit – Lola’s self-assuredness and aggressiveness was hella sexy. I totally bought that Christian would want to hit that. (This also proves the old expression that “confidence is sexy” is 100% true and NOT just something ugly confident people say to feel better about themselves.)

Since he and Kimber are now dating (I know she broke up with Mike last episode, but this was still a little sudden), Christian confessed and Kimber was relieved, since she’d been annoyingly fussing about her weight earlier in the episode. Now she was free to eat whatever she wanted, leading Christian to imagine the outrageous scenario that put Kelly Carlson in a fat suit. (Do we think they just recycled Gwyneth Paltrow’s from “Shallow Hal”?) It was funny, but not exactly original, stuff.

Meanwhile, Sean was dealing with a patient named Tracy who, along with her plastic-y husband, worshipped Barbie and Ken. They admired the dolls so much that the completely desexualized duo wanted Sean to remove Tracy’s nipples. This came at a time when Sean was considering giving up sex altogether after his recent rough patch. (See: Julia running back to New York after sleeping with him; Teddy trying to kill him.) Sean couldn’t even be cheered up by the hooker Christian sent over. (What? Were you expecting a stripper?!)

This all lead to a hilarious “Leave it to Beaver from Hell” fantasy sequence in which Sean and Tracy slept in separate beds until he convinced his wife to give him oral sex only to discover he was a Ken doll “down there.” (Funny stuff!)

I get what the show was trying to do with these two patients, but I only think it succeeded with one of them. Lola (with her zest for sex and uber-confidence) was behaving the way someone who looks like Tracy should act, while Tracy (with her no sex stand) is what some people might expect from someone who looks like Lola.

In the end, Sean and Christian broke each woman down. I was glad to see Sean accept that sex and passion and messiness are just part of what make relationships worth having and hooking up with Tracy. I did NOT want to see him wallow in his own sorrow for a few more episodes.

I was MUCH less happy to see Christian succeed in getting Lola to believe she needed to look thinner. I get that this is what Christian does (bring people down to his level) and that he almost always succeeds at it, but, damnit, why couldn’t Lola REALLY have been the sexy, confident woman who wasn’t afraid to throw “f--- me” eyes at a guy who’s probably WAY out of her league. Also, I couldn’t definitely done without the mass (and I DO mean MASS) exodus of nudists who came to Lola’s rescue before her surgery. It’s not that I’m squeamish – I just thought it was really dumb. (This and the “G.I. Joe” revelation in the “Barbie” subplot was just one thing too many.)

Much more effective was Kelly Carlson’s performance in this episode. I wasn’t expecting anything heartbreaking from her (I mean, she DID vamp it up in a fat suit not too long ago), but the scene in which she broke down exactly why she and Christian keep reconnecting was absolutely perfect. She and Christian both hate each other, but they also hate themselves, and, as a result, they don’t believe that they deserve anyone better. It’s a sad, depressing thought, but it’s also 100% right on.

Given the light mood of this episode, Christian didn’t seem to dwell too much on this revelation and, instead, had a threesome with Kimber and Tracy. At first, I thought it was a little jarring, random and convenient for all the women (well, not Lola) to wind up in Christian and Sean’s apartment (hello again, hooker), but I’d much rather see the guys accept and revel in who they are rather than moodily try to break a pattern they can never really deviate from.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do Christian and Kimber deserve better than each other? Finally, would you ever have your nipples removed? (I’ve become quite attached to mine.)