Desperate Housewives: Tomcat

Welcome to another one of my occasional “Desperate Housewives” recaps!

Ok, here’s the deal: I completely skipped the show last year, jumped back on-board this season and resumed recap duties. Unfortunately, I fell behind by a few episodes about a month ago.

Now — like a biological child you never knew you had or an old neighbor who’d been wrongfully-but-kinda-rightfully sent to prison — I’m back!

I’ve been enjoying this season. Sure, the show will never recapture its season 1 and 2 magic (and what show does?), but “Desperate Housewives” is still a soapily entertaining hour when you want to turn off your brain, enjoy a few one-liners and hang out with a saucy group of middle-aged women. (Which all rank among my favorite activities.)

In case you hadn’t guessed by last night, Paul Young laughably diabolical real estate scheme to destroy the property value of Wisteria Lane was officially revealed last night. I say “laughably diabolical” because it’s sort of a passive aggressive plan for someone who has committed murder in the past. (And for someone who stopped just short of bursting into a MWAHAHAHAHA evil laugh after triumphantly unveiling his plan to the neighborhood.)

Paul wants to build a halfway house on Wisteria Lane. The rest of the neighbors obviously don’t want a bunch of convicted felons on the block. (Unless they’re hot guys, like Mike — plus, imagine if they knew about the assorted misdeeds all these characters have committed over the years.) Anyway, Paul was soundly out-voted at a homeowners’ association meeting, until he revealed that he controlled seven votes thanks to all the houses he’s purchased.

Now, he only needs one more to get his way. To accomplish that, he offered to pay more than market value for the home of anyone in attendance. (The neighborhood’s going to be depreciating in value soon anyway, right?) This led to instant bickering among the neighbors (Frau Farbissina looked especially eager to sell), which explains Mary Alice’s tease from a few episodes ago about his Paul’s plan would turn neighbor against neighbor. I know it’s sort of silly, but I like how simple Paul’s plan is. (And I enjoy how cartoonishly Mark Moses plays his evil side.)

Another cartoon character on this show is Gabby. I think Eva Longoria Parker’s performance usually grounds her character’s inherent silliness and shallowness, but last night Gabby threatened to do the worst thing the character has ever done.

Carmen was about to take Grace to Texas, so Gabby actually went ahead and called immigration officers so she’d be taken away, and Gabby could keep her biological daughter Grace. Since Bob was right about Gabby burning in hell had she gone through with it, Gabby jumped in, pretended to be Carmen and momentarily saved the day. Unfortunately, for her, the end result was still Carmen and Grace hitting the road. It’d be easier for us to feel for Gabby if she weren’t acting like such a selfish mom, but I think we all know Grace will be back in the picture before the end of the season.

On the other hand, I’m not really sure if Brian Austin Green’s Keith is going to be around for the end of the season.

I’m not referring to the fact that his clingy, depressed dad (John Schneider) seems intent on stealing Bree from his son. I’m not even referring to the way Keith’s proposal was spectacularly botched thanks to his dad and guest star Cynthia Watros. (“Who ordered the shrimp cocktail with the tiny engagement ring?!”) I think the most telling sign that Bree and Keith aren’t built for the long term is the fact that Bree didn’t exactly seem overjoyed by Keith proposing during her conversation with his dad afterwards.

Tom and Lynette wound up at a much more realistic/relatable place than you’d expect, given that they started the episode naked in a nursery with Susan walking in on them. I actually really enjoyed how their story evolved last night, starting with that silly beginning and the revelation about Tom(my Tripod)’s enhanced package. Tom started hassling Lynette about the fact that she never talked him up to her friends (kinda immature) and that he was a joke in the neighborhood (a valid point). It all culminated with Lynette bragging about her husband in front of the neighbors. (My favorite was the one about the Washington Monument saying “I want to be you when I grow up.)

In the end we learned that the reason Lynette sort of emasculates Tom and doesn’t talk him up is because everyone else ALREADY thinks he’s the perfect husband, and Lynette doesn’t feel like she deserves him. It’s her weird/perverse way of keeping the two of them on the same level. It was a little strange, but perfectly understandable if you have any idea how couples actually work.

Tom was a hot topic of conversation on the block, since we learned that Renee considers him the love of her life and the one who got away.

To be honest, this was my biggest letdown of the night. I really liked having Renee and Susan hang out together for Renee’s birthday (Susan is the fun one compared to a mailbox). We had learned earlier this year that Tom and Lynette shared a secret from a long time ago. At the time, the obvious guess would be that they had slept together, but I was really hoping the show would have another surprise up its sleeve.

The lesson: don’t over think “Desperate Housewives.”

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Paul get his hands on seven houses? Who else is tougher than Tom? (Lee, Susan, MJ, etc.) Finally, yikes…is Susan really the “smart” one?