Glee: Do You Believe In Miracles

True confessions time: I don’t really know any Christmas carols.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely clueless. I’ve heard all the classics – I just don’t actually know any of the words. I’m the guy who only joins in for the “FIVE GOL-DEN RINGS!!!” part during “The 12 Days of Christmas.”

What can I say? While you were learning all the words to these carols in school and with your family, I was growing up in Puerto Rico and singing about eating pork and drinking rum. (Seriously.)

So it goes without saying that I probably wasn’t looking forward to the “Glee” Christmas episode as much as other people.

The good news is that the episode mostly steered clear of well-trodden Christmas music so that the cast (and k.d. lang – more on that later) could put their own stamp on these songs. The bad news is that this may have been the dumbest episode of “Glee” yet. (And that’s saying something.)

Now, before you accuse me of being a Sue-like Grinch let me explain that I completely understand that a certain amount of cheesiness is expected (no DEMANDED) in our holiday programming.

The problem is the cheesiness in last night’s “Glee” felt artificial and forced – it was the Cheez Whiz of Christmas programming. In other words: Blech.

Let’s start with the Sue Sylvester fiasco. It was no surprise to learn that she hated Christmas. Sue rigged Beiste’s Secret Santa gig so that she would receive all the presents.(Someone explain to me why Will thought a “dog robot” would be a good idea?) This storyline actually got off to a promising start: I particularly enjoyed Will hilariously taking Sue’s phone out of the cradle as he stormed out of her office. (That dude is a badass.)

The teachers got their gifts back from Sue (and pledged to give them to charity) before Sue the Grinch (again, more on that later) stole them back again. Sue thought she’d ruined Christmas until she walked in on glee club’s final performance of the evening and saw that she had NOT crushed their spirit. That’s fine – I just don’t get why that moved her to, not only give all the presents back, but throw an impromptu Christmas Eve party for Will. Jane Lynch is a great actress and she did her best, but I did NOT buy Sue’s attitude change for a second. Plus, I don’t love when they try to make her cuddly. (But not too cuddly – she did end the episode by telling Will she hated him.) (And where the hell was Kurt during Will’s party – I get that he goes to a different school, but he and Will are obviously still in touch?)

Then there’s the Brittany-believing-in-Santa storyline.

Look, no one laughs harder at the ridiculousness that comes out of Brittany’s mouth than I do. However, there IS a line, and last night the writers crossed and made her too dumb. (I kept expecting a twist in which Brittany revealed she was just pretending, but nope…she really IS that dumb.)

Like the teacher’s storyline, it’s not like there weren’t any laughs. I liked the various glee club members asking (Black/Tanned) Santa at the mall for stuff. I’m not as on-board with Artie’s obsession with protecting Brittany’s innocence. I get that it’s supposed to be sweet, but the way he treated her like a little girl last night came off as a little creepy to me. Oh well.

Brittany’s wish to Santa was for Artie to walk. Santa Beiste tried to let her down gently, but in the end she delivered a Christmas miracle by outfitting Artie in a “re-walk.” Awwww…except! 1.) Why didn’t we hear about this “re-walk” thing during last season’s episode when Artie and Tina were researching ways he could walk? 2.) More importantly, if Beiste can afford something that is allegedly super-expensive, what the hell is she doing coaching high school football?!

See, it’s this kind of sloppiness that just kills me because there ARE some good things going on in this show. Speaking of which, let’s grade the musical performances:

“The Most Wonderful Day of the Year”…B-: This would be the super cheesy song the glee club sang as they decorated their ratty tree. There was an inherent phoniness about this number (it wasn’t like the other ones on this show), but I thought it was reminiscent of a holiday movie, so I gave it a slight pass.

“We Need a Little Christmas”…B+: The glee kids sounded good, even as they were being brutally heckled by classmates. (The teacher throwing a shoe, though funny, was too much.) This also brought up an important question: who brings a band to go caroling?!

“Merry Christmas, Darling”…B: Lea Michele’s take on The Carpenters’ song was one of those vintage “Rachel in the auditorium” performances. (She should just get a cot and live there.) Really good vocal (as usual), but I didn’t really feel anything fresh or exciting about this number. (Then again, I think Finn is kind of being a holier-than-thou douche for not forgiving Rachel, so I’m just not into that whole storyline.)

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”…A: Although this performance was almost entirely unnecessary (pretty much just a way to get Kurt and Blaine in this episode), it was absolutely sensational. Then again, this is actually one of the few Christmas songs I really enjoy, so I’m biased. Chris Colfer and Darren Criss sounded wonderful together, and it’s kinda great that two guys can duet on a song like this on network TV, and it’s no big deal

“You’re a Mean One, Sue the Grinch”…B+: I can see that it was ridiculous, but I also thought it was pretty damn funny. I especially enjoyed Becky as Max the reindog, and Brittany with Cindy Lou Who-hair interrupting Sue. I was ready to give this performance an A, until I saw k.d. lang did the vocals. Wha?! The show is breaking its own musical sequence guidelines! Why not just have Sue sing it? (And I’m a guy who doesn’t think she should sing very often!) To me, it already sounded like Jane Lynch COULD have been singing, so why not?! Cop out!

“Last Christmas”…B+: Not sure we needed TWO songs with Rachel pining after Finn, but the Christmas tree lot setting and the performances were pretty good.(Extra points for being a Rachel/Finn duet.)

“Welcome Christmas”…B: You’d think that the song that allegedly thawed Sue’s heart and inspired underpaid teachers to give up some of their own cash would earn an “A”, but it was just aight for me.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why would Emma invite Will over for Christmas? (Come spend the holidays with the woman you’re openly pining for…and her new husband!) Which glee club member Christmas request for the mall Santa was your favorite? (Santana wants bling – no need to be more or less specific!) Finally, what IS the difference between an elf and a slave?