Dancing with the Stars: Harry Situation

Classical Week on “Dancing with the Stars” — with its 46-piece orchestra, mezzo soprano, excitable violinist and black-tie dress code — was such an upscale affair that I felt a little under-dressed watching from my couch.

Not really. I was still wearing more clothes than most of the dancers.

Here’s how everybody did with the Viennese waltz and paso doble, in order of appearance.

Romeo and Chelsie: Romeo kicked off the night with a pretty terrific paso doble routine that ended with my favorite paso doble-related “death” of the night. (Romeo got great height on his jump, and I loved the way Chelsie the Bull gasped for her last breath.) Unfortunately, I DID see the moment where Romeo lifted her off the ground, but does anybody other than Carrie Ann care if there are lifts?

I just wish that Romeo was completely into this show by now. Romeo had trouble getting into his aggressive character, so Chelsie allowed him to show off his basketball skills. Cliché alert! You’re not gonna believe this, but the young black guy is really into basketball. Come on, Romeo…surprise me for once! Why couldn’t his passion have been tennis or chess or something mildly unexpected? Congratulations, Romeo…you still look tough. Kinda. End of rant.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: With Wendy and Psycho Mike gone, there are no truly awful dancers left in the competition, but I thought Kendra was kind of a train wreck last night. She clearly wasn’t comfortable with the Viennese waltz during rehearsal, and that carried over into her performance, where she seemed totally unsure of herself. It was all over her face and her body language. I thought the judges were kind to give her straight 6s. Homegirl has to figure out a way to sell her performances, even when she’s not into the dance (like last night) or her partner (like always).

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Ray’s Viennese waltz was his most appealing performance. That’s probably due, in no small part, to the fact that his dance was very reminiscent of the Landler scene from “The Sound of Music.” It’s a good thing too because Carrie Ann was right to point out that Ray doesn’t so much glide across the dance floor as much as he jogs. I’m not sure if this performance was enough to keep him in the running, but it was a step in the right direction. Now why wasn’t he wearing a tutu to go along with his ballet class tights?!

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: I’ve pointed out how nice incredibly nice Petra is in the past. Unfortunately, that was a strike against her in the paso doble. Dmitry arranged a photo shoot during rehearsal so she could practice looking fierce, but it ended up coming off as an excuse for Dmitry (and us) to sit around and look at how sexy Petra is. As for her paso doble: I thought her leaned-back posture was a little weird, and the forceful nature of the dance (like the jive two weeks ago) exposed how weak her core is. However, I also thought it was an entertaining a routine and that she ultimately did a pretty good job of capturing the character. I even enjoyed the ending where Dmitry unraveled her skirt to reveal glittery booty shorts as Petra inexplicably writhed around in a laughing heap. Still not sure if that was supposed to happen.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: This Romeo and Juliet-themed waltz was quite beautiful and my favorite dance of the evening. Ralph successfully softened his movements across the dance floor (especially his arm movements) for the first time. I also felt like I should have laughed at his sobbing in the beginning, but I was completely invested. I wonder if Romeo was irked that the producers didn’t give him this routine.

Hines Ward and Kym: It’s no secret that I love Hines and Kym as a couple. Apparently, I’m not the only one judging by the way the crowd exploded into a standing ovation at the end of his paso doble…and by the way the judges over scored him. Don’t get me wrong: I thought he danced well enough from a technical stand point, but I also caught glimpses in his face that gave me the impression that he wasn’t totally in character. It seemed to me like he was thinking about it…and kind of just wanting to get through it. Still, I love me some Hines and Kym, so I can’t be mad at their slightly inflated scores, especially since Hines has such an awesome attitude.

Chelsea Kane and Mark (pictured, right): I wondered why Mark was dressed like The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from “Fantasia”, but it turns out he had a Harry Potter-themed dance to “Hedwig’s Theme” in mind. (The spotlight across the dance floor was a great touch.)

I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I have to side with Len in his critique of Mark, the look-at-me jackass. Look, I get that he wants to incorporate modern elements into his dances. However, his job is to do the dance that is assigned to him. (In this case, it was the Viennese waltz. A few weeks ago, it was the jive.) Instead, Mark just ends up doing the style known as Whatever the Hell He Wants…with bits of proper technique tossed in to get the judges off his back. Sure it’s fun, but it’s a little annoying that he’s wasting Chelsea’s considerable talents to indulge his larks and it’s REALLY annoying that he showcases himself more often than not. End of rant #2.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: I thought Jericho nailed the arrogant character, and I thought this dance was especially effective in the beginning. However, like Len, I would’ve liked to have seen more of an explosion or a quickening of the pace in the second half of the music (“In the Hall of the Mountain King”) escalated. Then again, that’s not really his fault, since he didn’t choreograph the dance.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: This couple is getting dangerously close to becoming a complete joke on this show...assuming they’re not there already. That’s not the worst thing in the world. I mean, this isn’t the most serious show on TV. But Kirstie can actually dance a little, so it’s a real shame that her routines have become an interpretive dance version of “A Series of Unfortunate Events.” Hopefully next week, there’ll be no injuries and Kirstie will strap her shoes on tight. Also, here’s hoping she dances better because she looked mildly tipsy last night.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you like that we got to see the couples right before they hit the dance floor? (And does Kendra always have that “Oh crap” look on her face before she dances?) Should ever week be Classical Week on “Dancing with the Stars”? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m guessing Kendra gets the boot…but Kirstie makes an appearance in under the harsh red light.)