Dancing with the Stars: Ready to Rumba

What sad, sad lives these celebrities have led.

At least that’s the impression you’d get after watching them tell their emotional, personal stories through dance — mostly rumba — in the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Still, even with all thigh tributes to dead relatives, random dance styles and thigh injuries, the show delivered a thoroughly entertaining episode, which is why we’re all here.

And I’m assuming you’re here right now to get my thoughts on last night’s shenanigans. Here’s how the couples did, in order of appearance:

(Skipping over the demo from the DWTS Troupe.)

Wendy Williams and Tony: This just isn’t working out. Wendy danced a foxtrot to “Last Night a DJ Saved My Life” to illustrate her journey as a struggling radio personality years ago; and also because it had the word “DJ” in it. (It was a slightly more appropriate choice than Usher’s “DJ Got Us Fallin’ in Love.”) Although her technique was slightly better than last week, she continues to be a frustratingly tentative and weak presence on the dance floor. Not to get too technical on you, but she’s LAME!!!

Chelsea Kane and Mark: Chelsea wanted to convey joy by dancing the cha cha cha to “Chelsea,” a song written by…some guy she was into a few years ago. (Or something.) Chelsea continues to LOOK fantastic on the dance floor. If you’d never seen the show before last night, you’d be hard-pressed to guess who was the pro and who was the celeb. That’s why her atrocious hip action and relative stiffness during the dance was a major disappointment. At least she was able to convey joy.

Chris Irvine and Cheryl: The first tearjerker of the evening had Chris Jericho dancing under his given name and dedicating his “Let it Be” rumba to his mom because she loved dance (“Solid Gold”!) and she loved the song. While I was completely connected to the story he and Cheryl were telling, the dancing was a slight disappointment. (At least not as good as Chris has shown he can be). The rumba had a few nice moments, but his arms looked weird at times, and his hip-action was virtually non-existent.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: “When Fog Machines Attack!” This fall on Fox! I give Kendra and Louis credit for dancing the only truly sexy rumba of the night. (It IS known as “the bedroom dance.”) Kendra dedicated her rumba husband Hank Baskett — who was inexplicably dressed like Tony Manero in the front row —and once again hit her moves and poses impressively. However, the fact that she’s CLEARLY not into Louis at all took some of the heat out of the dance as far as I’m concerned. Also, her clear stumble near the beginning and a couple of messy spots should’ve kept her from getting those two 8s.

Romeo and Chelsie: Romeo dedicated his “I’ll Be There” rumba to two of his cousins who died at a young age under tragic circumstances. I thought he came out extremely strong (especially from an emotional standpoint), but eventually seemed to lose his focus halfway through and it got sloppy. I just wish he’d stop bitching about the more feminine qualities of this show during rehearsal. In week one, he didn’t want to move his hips in a suggestive way. This week, he didn’t want to wear the dance shoes with the slightly high heel. Somewhere, Master P is smiling.

Hines Ward and Kym: I was grateful for Hines’ lively samba tribute to his mom if only for the fact that it broke up an impressive streak of downbeat/depressing routines. I’m still thoroughly enjoying this couple and Hines was pretty much the only celeb to give us half-decent hip action on his Latin dance. The only problem is that I feel it was a little too early to play the Steelers gear/ Terrible Towel card.

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: Last week, Petra looked frail, gangly and awkward. This week, she found a dance that was PERFECTLY suited to her strengths (excellent posture, long limbs and a regal air about her), so it’s not surprise that her waltz was my favorite dance of the night. (It wound up tied atop the leaderboard with Hines.) Also, has there ever been a supermodel that seems so…nice?

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Unless there’s a shocking turn of events, it seems like tonight’s elimination is going to come down between Wendy and Sugar Ray. Seems to me like the show seems a little bit more interested in keeping Ray around, seeing as how they allowed him to do his routine with elaborate staging/props and shelled out cash to get Michael Buffer to do his intro. (Then again, it seems like Buffer will show up at any function for a ham sandwich.) For a paso doble, it was oddly disengaging and his “passion” seemed labored. I haven’t even mentioned his bad kicks and his non-existent footwork. In fact, let’s just forget him and watch Anna TrebunSKAya (as Buffer would say) from now on. At least, it looks like Ray is trying. (Unlike Wendy.)

Kirstie Alley and Maksim (pictured, right): The shame of it is that Kirstie’s rumba was actually pretty damn good. Yes, the fact that Maks suffered a thigh injury, but recovered enough to finish the dance impressively worked out perfectly with Kirstie’s story about coming back from adversity following the death of her mother just as Kirstie was getting her big break with “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.” It’s an even bigger shame because this injury opens up about 500 more “Kirstie Alley is fat” jokes. My favorite part was, after Kirstie and Maks got their score, seeing Maks hobbling off camera with Cheryl and Tony following close behind to make sure he’s ok. These pros are clearly friends and seem to care for each other.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: Yes, Ralph dialed his aggressiveness way back from where it was last week for his rumba (dedicated to Ralph’s wife), but his forcefulness was still a bit much. Parts of the routine were lovely (as Carrie Ann argued), but too much of it seemed more like a martial arts exercise than fluid, beautiful dancing. More importantly, if I were to tell you that a married couple’s name was “Ralph and Phyllis”, is there any way you’d assume that they were under 80 years old? The fact that Ralph looked 13 in his wedding picture (what an adorable ring-bearer) didn’t exactly help matters.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Mark make a better girl than Chelsea? Why didn’t they go ahead and just make this Rumba Night? Finally, is there any way someone other than Wendy Williams goes home tonight? (Cut to Sugar Ray Leonard crossing his fingers.)