Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I Review

By definition, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” is meant to leave you hanging. (Part II doesn’t get here until 2011.)

Fortunately, the first part in the final chapter of the Potter saga manages to be a wholly satisfying experience on its own.

“Deathly Hallows”, like the previous two installments of the franchise, is directed by David Yates. Yates has probably been the director who has most deviated from the source material (partly out of necessity, since the books were so massive by that time) to the delight of some, and the chagrin of most.

I always say that a movie should stand on its own — meaning you shouldn’t need to have read the book to be able to follow the movie. By that standard, I think Yates has been mostly successful. (I don’t so much mind the changes Yates and his writers have made. I mostly didn’t care for the rushed conclusion of “Half Blood Prince.” To me, THAT move felt more incomplete than “DH: Part I.”)

Anyway, I’m telling you all that to tell you this: Yates has absolutely hit his stride in terms of adapting beloved source material and turning it into an exciting moviemaking experience that stands on its own. (A big part of the reason is the fact that he has two movies to stretch his cinematic legs.)

Daniel Radcliffe once again stars as Harry Potter, who…ok, if you don’t know what this movie series is about by this point, why are you reading this?!
In “Deathly Hallows,” Harry, Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint) — bypass their final year at Hogwarts to hunt and destroy Lord Voldemort’s (Ralph Fiennes) remaining horcruxes. The horcruxes contain pieces of Voldemort’s soul and are the keys to destroying the Dark Lord.

When I read that “Deathly Hallows” would be split into two movies, I’ll admit I was slightly annoyed. I’m not one of those Potter fans who insist that ever single detail from the book MUST be included in the movies. On top of that, all that I remembered about reading “Deathly Hallows” (besides how awesome of a conclusion it is) was how much damn camping there was. I figured if there was any book in the series that could be considerably cut down, it was “Deathly Hallows” with its never-ending/downbeat passages with Harry, Hermione and Ron in the woods.

What I didn’t think about was how strong Radcliffe, Watson and Grint have become as actors over the course of seven movies. In “Deathly Hallows” those camping passages (even though they still drag in the movie — it’s unavoidable) are absolutely essential to building each of their characters and serve to personalize and ground their magical journey.

Radcliffe is once again a strong anchor, but I was really impressed by Grint (never better or more adult) and, especially, Watson, who pretty much carries this thing the same way the annoyingly-capable Hermione carries Harry and Ron. She was pretty excellent.

Also excellent are the obscenely talented roster of British actors that play the adult roles. The more I see Fiennes as Voldemort, the more I’m creeped out by him. It’s also absolutely insane how perfect Helene Bonham Carter is as psychotic witch Bellatrix Lestrange. I’m not sure why, but I also thoroughly enjoyed how haggard Jason Isaacs looked as the disgraced snob Lucius Malfoy. Alan Rickman only has a brief scene as the treacherous, conflicted Severus Snape, but he plays it perfectly. (The chilling scene that opens the movie sends the message that this isn’t your mother’s Harry Potter.)

As for the newcomers, I wish the great Bill Nighy had gotten a bit more to do as Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour. However, Rhys Ifans fared MUCH better in his brief scene as the haunted Xenophilius Lovegood (Luna’s dad). Add to that the parade of beloved returning characters (the Weasley twins) and villains (Imelda Staunton’s Dolores Umbridge) and you’ve got a jam-packed movie.

Unfortunately, that means not everyone necessarily makes it out alive (yes, I teared up near the end), which is why it’s good to see Yates at least try to give each character their own brief moment to shine.

As for what the “Deathly Hallows” are: well, Yates answers that question ingeniously with a gorgeous animated sequence that served as a fantastic way of dealing with a necessary bit of exposition. (It was more interesting than having the camera on Emma Watson as she talked.)

I’d definitely consider “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow: Part I” more of a paranoid drama than a family movie. I know that’s disconcerting for a lot of people, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve grown up with these characters and I already kind of consider them family. So to me, “DH: Part I” is the best paranoid family movie of the year.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I…A-

Desperate Housewives: Tomcat

Welcome to another one of my occasional “Desperate Housewives” recaps!

Ok, here’s the deal: I completely skipped the show last year, jumped back on-board this season and resumed recap duties. Unfortunately, I fell behind by a few episodes about a month ago.

Now — like a biological child you never knew you had or an old neighbor who’d been wrongfully-but-kinda-rightfully sent to prison — I’m back!

I’ve been enjoying this season. Sure, the show will never recapture its season 1 and 2 magic (and what show does?), but “Desperate Housewives” is still a soapily entertaining hour when you want to turn off your brain, enjoy a few one-liners and hang out with a saucy group of middle-aged women. (Which all rank among my favorite activities.)

In case you hadn’t guessed by last night, Paul Young laughably diabolical real estate scheme to destroy the property value of Wisteria Lane was officially revealed last night. I say “laughably diabolical” because it’s sort of a passive aggressive plan for someone who has committed murder in the past. (And for someone who stopped just short of bursting into a MWAHAHAHAHA evil laugh after triumphantly unveiling his plan to the neighborhood.)

Paul wants to build a halfway house on Wisteria Lane. The rest of the neighbors obviously don’t want a bunch of convicted felons on the block. (Unless they’re hot guys, like Mike — plus, imagine if they knew about the assorted misdeeds all these characters have committed over the years.) Anyway, Paul was soundly out-voted at a homeowners’ association meeting, until he revealed that he controlled seven votes thanks to all the houses he’s purchased.

Now, he only needs one more to get his way. To accomplish that, he offered to pay more than market value for the home of anyone in attendance. (The neighborhood’s going to be depreciating in value soon anyway, right?) This led to instant bickering among the neighbors (Frau Farbissina looked especially eager to sell), which explains Mary Alice’s tease from a few episodes ago about his Paul’s plan would turn neighbor against neighbor. I know it’s sort of silly, but I like how simple Paul’s plan is. (And I enjoy how cartoonishly Mark Moses plays his evil side.)

Another cartoon character on this show is Gabby. I think Eva Longoria Parker’s performance usually grounds her character’s inherent silliness and shallowness, but last night Gabby threatened to do the worst thing the character has ever done.

Carmen was about to take Grace to Texas, so Gabby actually went ahead and called immigration officers so she’d be taken away, and Gabby could keep her biological daughter Grace. Since Bob was right about Gabby burning in hell had she gone through with it, Gabby jumped in, pretended to be Carmen and momentarily saved the day. Unfortunately, for her, the end result was still Carmen and Grace hitting the road. It’d be easier for us to feel for Gabby if she weren’t acting like such a selfish mom, but I think we all know Grace will be back in the picture before the end of the season.

On the other hand, I’m not really sure if Brian Austin Green’s Keith is going to be around for the end of the season.

I’m not referring to the fact that his clingy, depressed dad (John Schneider) seems intent on stealing Bree from his son. I’m not even referring to the way Keith’s proposal was spectacularly botched thanks to his dad and guest star Cynthia Watros. (“Who ordered the shrimp cocktail with the tiny engagement ring?!”) I think the most telling sign that Bree and Keith aren’t built for the long term is the fact that Bree didn’t exactly seem overjoyed by Keith proposing during her conversation with his dad afterwards.

Tom and Lynette wound up at a much more realistic/relatable place than you’d expect, given that they started the episode naked in a nursery with Susan walking in on them. I actually really enjoyed how their story evolved last night, starting with that silly beginning and the revelation about Tom(my Tripod)’s enhanced package. Tom started hassling Lynette about the fact that she never talked him up to her friends (kinda immature) and that he was a joke in the neighborhood (a valid point). It all culminated with Lynette bragging about her husband in front of the neighbors. (My favorite was the one about the Washington Monument saying “I want to be you when I grow up.)

In the end we learned that the reason Lynette sort of emasculates Tom and doesn’t talk him up is because everyone else ALREADY thinks he’s the perfect husband, and Lynette doesn’t feel like she deserves him. It’s her weird/perverse way of keeping the two of them on the same level. It was a little strange, but perfectly understandable if you have any idea how couples actually work.

Tom was a hot topic of conversation on the block, since we learned that Renee considers him the love of her life and the one who got away.

To be honest, this was my biggest letdown of the night. I really liked having Renee and Susan hang out together for Renee’s birthday (Susan is the fun one compared to a mailbox). We had learned earlier this year that Tom and Lynette shared a secret from a long time ago. At the time, the obvious guess would be that they had slept together, but I was really hoping the show would have another surprise up its sleeve.

The lesson: don’t over think “Desperate Housewives.”

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Paul get his hands on seven houses? Who else is tougher than Tom? (Lee, Susan, MJ, etc.) Finally, yikes…is Susan really the “smart” one?

NFL 2010 Week 13 Picks

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

I have a few things to be thankful for myself. I’m thankful that I did decently with my picks (9-7 week, 85-61). I’m thankful that I’ve all but clinched one of the four playoff spots in my 10-team fantasy league. (And currently sitting on top of the standings.)

Let’s see if we can keep the good vibes rolling with the week 13 picks.

HOUSTON @ PHILADELPHIA
Count me among the millions of Andre Johnson (pictured, right) fantasy owners who heaved a sigh of relief when it was announced WR Andre Johnson wouldn’t be suspended. Count me also among the millions of DeSean Jackson owners hoping for a big game against the Texans’ terrible pass defense. Then again, every time I’ve expected a shoot out, it’s been a disappointment. Watch the Eagles win by a pedestrian score like 17-7. Blech.

NEW ORLEANS @ CINCINNATI
If the Bengals switched Palmers at the QB position, would anyone notice? (I guess if they started getting good QB play people would notice — they’d know Jordan was in there.)

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
Fine, Bears, you ARE who you thought you were. You’re good. My bad.

SAN FRANCISCO @ GREEN BAY
Yes, they looked great at Monday night, but for some reason I’m not in love with the prospect of picking Troy Smith and Brian “One Concussion Away from Joining Frank Gore on IR” Westbrook on the road at Lambeau.

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE
The best part about the Andre Johnson/Cortland Finnegan fight? Usually people feel at least a little bad when someone gets their brains beat in by someone bigger, but when Finnegan got jacked up, everyone seemed delighted. Let’s just say the 2010 Titans aren’t the most cohesive group.

DENVER @ KANSAS CITY
Denver is kind of a mess and, on top of that, Chiefs coach Todd Haley will be looking for revenge after what he perceived as the Broncos running up the score in their earlier matchup. Dwayne Bowe might catch 7 TDs. (And I might bash my head against a wall 7 times for trading him to my fantasy football league nemesis five weeks ago.)

CLEVELAND @ MIAMI
The Dolphins are the kind of team who seem to stay mathematically alive for the playoffs until the very last week, even though they have no chance of actually doing anything. (The Jaguars are also guilty of this.) Look for a win to help continue that trend.

BUFFALO @ MINNESOTA
Looking forward to finding out how the Bills blow this game as the Vikes huddle together to sing “Kumbaya” with their new coach.

WASHINGTON @ N.Y. GIANTS
I watched the Giants shakily defeat the Jaguars at home last week. They’re do for a big-time win where they pummel someone to hook us into thinking they’re one of the league’s best teams. (Remember when people were saying that way back in November?)

OAKLAND @ SAN DIEGO
I’m looking for the Chargers to win all their games from here on out. Until they get to the playoffs, of course.

CAROLINA @ SEATTLE
The Panthers showed me some heart last week, while the Seahawks rolled over. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I’m going to go with the team which, two weeks ago, I said I would bet against if my life depended on me getting a prediction right.

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY
I was all set to pick the Falcons, but then the Bucs realized safety Sabby Piscitelli this week. That bum spent more time chasing after receivers scoring long touchdowns than he did tackling people. Now, I feel strangely rejuvenated about our chances this year.

ST. LOUIS @ ARIZONA
What is it about the Cardinals and Monday Night Football that makes their personnel go into instant-classic, post-game rants? For some reason, Arizona is sticking with Derek Anderson at QB, so I’m going to go ahead and pick the other team.

DALLAS @ INDIANAPOLIS
Talk about how Peyton Manning is losing it (without many of his top weapons) is getting louder, so I look to him to unleash a 350 yard, 4TD performance this week. (What has two thumbs and is facing a guy who has Manning as his fantasy QB? This guy!)

PITTSBURGH @ BALTIMORE
Even if Big Ben weren’t banged up, I’d be tempted to pick the Ravens. The Steelers haven’t looked quite right in a few weeks.

N.Y. JETS @ NEW ENGLAND
It’s hard to do better than this Monday Night Game. It’s a division game between hated rivals, and they’re tied for the best record in the conference. Even though the Jets had been pulling games out of their butts before their big win over the Bengals, I’ll go with the Pats this time around. It just FEELS like they should play a third time this year, with each team having won once.

America's Next Top Recap: The Italian Job

It turned out to be a pretty entertaining cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” — especially when you consider last night’s result was pretty much a foregone conclusion since the first few weeks of the season.

As with most season finales, not that much happened in the beginning other than the two finalists — Ann and Chelsey — spouting off variations of “I can’t believe I’ve made it this far” and “I deserve to win because I want it more.” (Ok, so maybe that second one was mostly Chelsey, who was edited to look more desperate than ever.)

Even with only two girls left, there was a lot to do. They were whisked off to their Vogue Italia shoot, where the photographer raved over both of them and the bugs in the field served as the paparazzi.

From there, Ann and Chelsey continued to their Cover Girl commercial shoot. Instead of having to learn to say “lash blast” in Italian on camera, the girls would film their scenes together and record their voice-over later. This is how you know Tyra was REALLY determined to have this cycle’s winner be taken seriously — she didn’t want to saddle them with a script they were destined to flub. (Plus, the contestants this year already embarrassed themselves during the roller skating fiasco.)

Mr. Jay praised both of their performances, which made it especially weird when we saw the commercial and it was HORRIBLE. To be fair, it wasn’t so much Ann and Chelsey’s performance (although they DID enjoy the hell out of that ice cream more than they played up their makeup). The main problem was the embarrassing production values. I understand not everything can be as high-brown as “Modelli Folli”, but still…)

From there the girls shot their Cover Girl print ad (more on that a bit later) and met with an IMG Models big wig, in which he declared that Chelsey had more personality than Ann, and I declared “duh” and rolled my eyes.

Whoops! I forgot to mention the part where Ann and Chelsey’s families stopped by, and they were both absolutely adorable. The fact that Ann could quite possibly be the shortest person in her family amused me to no end. Meanwhile, Chelsey’s mom was adorable, and I liked her debating whether she should’ve told Tyra that her son has a huge crush on her.

Time for the runway show!

Coming into this episode, I thought Chelsey’s best chance to win would be to absolutely blow Ann away during the Roberto Cavalli runway show. Even more so than the “personality” thing, Chelsey’s biggest advantage over Ann was her walk (probably the best this season), especially when you consider Ann probably had the worst.

Well that didn’t happen. Nerves seemed to get the best Chelsey because her walk was stiff, awkward and the worst we’ve seen this season from her. Meanwhile, Ann’s walk was stiff and awkward, but actually managed to be an improvement over what we’ve seen from her. (Fortunately, she didn’t stumble until after the show when she was backstage.) In the end, the fashion show was pretty much a wash. (Ok, Chelsey gets the win because she didn’t have a psychotic look on her face like Ann did).

Time for the judges’ panel! Tyra, Nigel and ALT (in a particularly hideous barbershop cloak) were joined by Mr. Jay (taking a break from directing awful commercials) and Roberto Cavalli, who seems like he would’ve been smoking at the judges’ table if he’d been allowed.

All kidding aside, Cavalli and his broken English is welcome to stop by the panel at least once a month as far as I’m concerned. My favorite moment was during his critique of Ann’s Cover Girl print ad in which he pointed out that, “You look terrified…I like this photo!” (I mostly enjoyed the implication that he has a fetish for scared women.)

Both Cover Girl print ads were stunning. I suppose Chelsey’s ad kinda/sorta didn’t necessarily look like her, and her makeup wasn’t apparent. (Personally, I don’t think that’s a problem — you don’t want it to be caked on, do you?) Ann, on the other hand, had a haunting picture that was also fascinating because it was unlike any other Cover Girl ad I’ve ever seen.

And that pretty much sums up the appeal of Ann and explains why she won. (Cavalli broke it down thusly: Chelsey was great for American fashion, while Ann was ideal for Italian fashion.) She was pretty much unlike every other girl in the competition, and that makes her instantly standout. She’s going to get great shots and great gigs without even meaning to. Chelsey was constantly praised for her work ethic and her knowledge of the industry, and she’ll certainly get work as a model. It’s just that no one ever got super excited over working with Chelsey.

In the end, it was always going to be Ann, but I’ll give the show credit for working its ass off to drum up, at least, a shred of drama right before the moment Ann’s face popped up on that screen. Her glee and joy at winning was absolutely delightful. (Chelsey declaring that she felt cheated was mostly a bummer, but a little petty.)

So what’d you think of this episode? We know who Jane (Ann) and Kayla (Chelsey) were rooting for, but which team were Chris and Liz on? How funny was it when Ann left Chelsey hanging with her high-five during panel? (Who says Ann doesn’t have personality?) Finally, is this the best top 2 since Danielle and Joanie?

Thanks for watching this cycle along with me. See you in 2011.

Glee: Let's Talk About Sectionals

“Glee” went to Sectionals last night. More importantly, the show put aside its anti-bullying crusade – for one week at least – and delivered the funniest, most entertaining episode in a while. (Which, I think, is important for a comedy series.)

My two favorite episodes this season have probably been “Duets” and last night’s “Special Education.” It’s no accident that both of these eps eschewed big-name guest stars, delivering heavy-handed messages in a clumsy way, or shoehorning a single pop star’s songs into the plot.

It was almost as if the only goal of the episode was to make us laugh as much as possible and provide us with dazzling musical performances. (Imagine that!)

The hour had New Directions traveling to Sectionals to face the Dalton Academy Warblers (with new member Kurt) and the Hipsters, those GED-getting golden oldies.

One thing the show has done consistently well this season (consistency isn’t really its strong suit) is display its self-aware side. Emma’s slam of Will’s predictable set-list (Rachel-Finn ballad, Mercedes glory note, and scene!) was a funny way for the show to address how formulaic it can be at time. It also convinced Mr. Schue that he needed to shake things up.

If you read these recaps, you know that a more low-key Mr. Schue has been winning me back lately. Well, that mostly went out the window last night because Will went back to his moronic ways. First, there’s his continued quest for Emma. Didn’t he agree to back off after the “Rocky Horror” episode? Why was he trying to subtly win her back by inviting her to Sectionals? As harsh of a twist as it was to have Emma marry Dr. Carl (a silent John Stamos cameo), maybe it’ll finally get Will to back the f--- up! Honestly, isn’t there anyone in that town besides Emma or his ex-wife that he can date? It’s pathetic.

Slightly less pathetic is how bendable of a choir director he is. Just because Emma made a snide, insightful comment about his set list, it doesn’t mean he had to go and rip Rachel and Finn’s solos away from them. (And this is coming from someone who has been begging “Glee” to further showcase its talented ensemble.) As Finn said, “you don’t bench the star quarterback before the big game” just to make sure everyone plays. Will’s heart was in the right place, but this made him look like the flake he is. (At least he finally stood up to self-absorbed Rachel.)

Unfortunately for Rachel and Finn, this mini-argument ended with Santana revealing that she’d slept with Finn, who was still telling Rachel that he was a virgin. I thought they’d patch things up by the end of the episode since (as Finn pointed out) he slept with Santana while he and Rachel were broken up, so it wasn’t like he cheated on her. The only problem was that she had sought solace in “am-badass-ador” Puck’s arms and, even though he shut her down before they could really do anything, Finn felt betrayed.

As season 2 of “Glee” has really become “The Kurt Show”, my biggest complaint has been the marginalizing of Lea Michele, probably the show’s breakout star from the first year. This season, Rachel has had nothing to do besides acting like a selfish, annoying bitch and…well, that’s pretty much it.

Well, last night she did that, but Michele finally (THANKFULLY) got to play up Rachel’s insecurities (her jealousy of sexy Santana) that help explain why she’s the neurotic mess she is. She also got to play tender in her scenes with Kurt last night. (Those two are much friendlier when they’re not competing for solos.)

Speaking of Kurt, he enlisted Rachel’s help in his audition for a solo with the Warblers. When we first saw Dalton Academy and its music group a few weeks back, I felt like it all seemed too good to be true and I waited for the other shoe to drop. Well, the shoe didn’t really drop last night, but it kinda got a little loose on the foot because it turns out the Warblers preach uniformity and take themselves WAY too seriously.

We’ll see if anything else comes of that because we’ll be seeing more of the Warblers following their first-place with New Directions at Sectionals. Personally, I hate ties (everything should have a winner and a loser) and I think they’re copouts, but I understand why the show did it from a storyline standpoint.

Next week is the Christmas episode, but before we look forward, let’s look back at this week’s musical performances.

“Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”…A-: The dual Rachel/Kurt vocal was reminiscent of their take on “Defying Gravity” from season 1. Only this time, I didn’t think it was nearly as balanced – I thought this was a terrible choice for Kurt’s audition (why is that a good idea for an all-guy group?), so I didn’t enjoy his portion as much. (Though Blaine motioning Kurt to put his hands down as he was about to emote was gold!) Lea Michele, on the other hand, was BRILLIANT. This was a reminder of why she was the star of this show, once upon a time.

“The Living Years”…C+: Too obviously pre-recorded for my taste. I think it would’ve been funny if the Hipsters were the glee kids in old people makeup. (They TOTALLY had a Mercedes, and they even had someone in a wheelchair! Come on!)

“Hey Soul Sister”…B: Other than Darren Criss’ unbelievably charismatic lead vocal performance, this was actually pretty meh. (“Teenage Dream” was much better.) Blaine’s hamminess did make me a bit suspicious about his advice to Kurt to not “try too hard.” Could he be intentionally trying to keep Kurt down? (The guy is pretty much too good to be true so far, so why not?)

“I’ve Had the Time of My Life”…B-: Dianna Agron and Chord Overstreet have pretty good chemistry, but that was about the only thing they brought to the table in this cutesy and totally unnecessary cover. (At least it was better than the Black Eyed Peas’ version.)

“Valerie”…B+: Great to see Santana get a solo lead, and she mostly worked it. (I felt she could’ve pushed it out even more.) Mike and a-dolt-erer Brittany’s dancing was excellent, but why is that such a big deal for what’s supposed to be a singing competition?

“Dog Days Are Over”…B+: Is there any reason at all this couldn’t have just been a solo for Tina? Cute choreography, and I’d love to tell you more, but my DVR cut this number off right towards the end. Sorry.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you fantasize about your own funeral? Did you miss Sue at all and can you think of any other comedy that can still be really good without its funniest character? Finally, how long will Lauren stick around New Directions? (She sure picked up those dance moves pretty quickly for someone who dissed show choir right before they went on.)

NFL 2010 Week 12 Picks

I love the NFL on Thanksgiving!

Few things are better than vegging out in front of a TV and watching football before (mmm, those smells) and after (oy, I can’t move) Thanksgiving dinner.

Speaking of which, I did decently this past week (9-7 week, 76-54 overall) but hope to do even better this time out. (But I probably won’t.)

NEW ENGLAND @ DETROIT
The Lions are so pathetic that my favorite thing about their mandatory Thanksgiving game is that I get to use the picture accompanying this column.

NEW ORLEANS @ DALLAS
The Saints seems to have found their groove offensively. On the other hand, I’m hearing whispers about some people actually talking themselves into the Cowboys running the table and making a playoff run. One of these two things will come to a stop tomorrow. (Hint: it probably won’t be the Saints’ offensive explosion.)

CINCINATTI @ N.Y. JETS
Did you hear where T.O. called Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis an “average” cornerback. The Bengals are such in the pits that T.O. is now just saying things to hear himself talk.

GREEN BAY @ ATLANTA
In a showdown between the best two teams in the NFC (for this week), I’ll take the Falcons in their dome.

PITTSBURGH @ BUFFALO
Buffalo showed last week that it has some real firepower (I think they just scored on the Bengals again), but I think the Pittsburgh D is a different story.

CAROLINA @ CLEVELAND
In a season with pretty mediocre teams, we really should applaud the Panthers for being 100% the worst, and having the fortitude to be flat-out TERRIBLE.

JACKSONVILLE @ N.Y. GIANTS
The Giants are hurting (both figuratively and literally), but that’s precisely when they seem to respond to one of Tom Coughlin’s (figurative, I hope) tongue-lashings.

MINNESOTA @ WASHINGTON
I feel like the Vikings will be able to take a long enough break from celebrating the firing of coach/knucklehead Brad Childress long enough to take care of business against the Skins.

TENNESSEE @ HOUSTON
So apparently, Vince Young texted an apology to head coach Jeff Fisher for being a cry baby. Apparently, that’s the 2010 version of “manning up.” The Texans are reeling, but as much as I want to take someone named Rusty Smith on the road in his first start, I just can’t.

KANSAS CITY @ SEATTLE
Two of the league’s best home teams. The Seahawks are at home, plus it feels like it’s time for Seattle to pull off one of its inexplicable wins.

MIAMI @ OAKLAND
The Tyler Thigpen era in Miami did NOT get off to a good start. I like Oakland to bounce back in the Black Hole after getting a spanking (sounds naughtier than it was) from Pittsburgh.

ST. LOUIS @ DENVER
St. Louis comes close to winning on the road, but seem to always come back short. Plus, Knowshon Moreno will make his 2010 Fantasy Football debut on my roster his week. (Let’s just say Tom Coughlin isn’t the only guy benching Ahmad Bradshaw this week.)

PHILADELPHIA @ CHICAGO
Ok, I’ve been a persistent hater of Chicago: if they win THIS one, then I’m on board. Promise.

TAMPA BAY @ BALTIMORE
Call it a homer pick, but the Bucs are a different (better) team than the one that got blown out earlier this year by the Saints and Steelers.

SAN DIEGO @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Chargers usually give Peyton Manning trouble, but the Colts need this one to take control of/keep pace in their division. (We all know the Chargers are going to win every game in December, so they’ll be fine.)

SAN FRANCISO @ ARIZONA
Tennesse @ Jacksonville…you have some SERIOUS competition for Worst Monday Night Football game of the year!

Glee: Bully for You

Wedding bells were ringing on “Glee” last night.

Not only did Burt Hummel marry, um, whatever Finn’s mom’s name is (fine, I’ll run to Google…her name’s Carol…you happy now?), but Sue tied the knot with the only person in the world who’s truly worthy of marring Sue Sylvester.

Don’t fret though. All the wedded bliss didn’t interfere with the show’s primary mission in season 2: eradicating teen bullying/gay bashing.

I hate to sound flip because I really do admire the fact that an incredibly popular primetime show is tackling such a serious issue that affects so many young people.

The problem I have is two-fold. 1.) The recent focus on Kurt’s conflict with closeted bully Karofsky can’t help but come off as a direct reaction to all the attention the bullying of gay teenagers has received in the media recently. That’s actually not the worst thing in the world – I mean, why shouldn’t a show try to be topical? My only question would be, where was this hard-hitting examination of bullying during the first season when EVERY member of glee club was being harassed? Why did it have to happen to a gay character to finally make everyone rally and stand together?

My second and more selfish/subjective complaint is that “Glee” is simply not a good enough show to competently tackle this subject. I watch the show and (believe it or not) enjoy significant portions of it, but it’s true! The show’s ostensibly about celebrating life by accepting and celebrating everyone’s differences, but I don’t think this heavy-handed approach works very well for what is, at its core, a(n erratic) musical comedy. The tonal shifts are too jarring, as is the irony that the show’s most popular character is probably the biggest bully in the world!

Oh well, I WAS glad to see Mr. Schue, most of the glee club members (Finn’s always a little slow) and Burt come to Kurt’s defense after no McKinley High student so much as lifted a finger when Kurt began being brutalized a few weeks ago.

The club put preparations for “Sectionals” on hold (they’re going to come up with a set list at the last minute anyway) to sing at the wedding of Kurt’s dad and Finn’s mom. A lot of Burt and Carol’s relationship has developed off-screen, but their wedding scene did a nice job of conveying their love for each other (even if they spent more time talking about their kids during their vows).

Finn, not wanting to jeopardize his status as the school’s top dog by defending Kurt, eventually manned up and delivered a wedding toast that was classic Finn (touching in how clumsy it was), even if it was actually directed at wedding planner Kurt instead of the married couple.

Cory Monteith also had a good moment when Finn fended off Santana’s advances by professing his love for Rachel. (Now please give Rachel a decent storyline, stat!) Speaking of getting a decent storyline, the show appeared to be on the verge of giving lonely Santana a chance to shine (she’s lonely now that Brittany is dating Artie, who just lies there, and desperately throwing herself at Finn), but we can’t have that when there are guest stars to incorporate into the mix!

This week’s guest star was the great Carol Burnett, who stopped by as Doris Sylvester, Sue’s Nazi-hunting mother. She was in town to attend Sue’s impending nuptials: Sue was marrying herself! (Don’t worry, it was as dumb as it sounds.) More disappointingly, I feel like the Sue/Doris storyline came off as a throwaway, since this episode had bigger, more bullying fish to fry. (I didn’t really buy the tenuous “Doris was a bully” connection.) Also, the overused joke that Doris is a famous Nazi hunter was twice as dumb as having Sue marry herself.

Either way, those two kick off our look at the evening’s musical performances:

“Ohio”…C+: The performance itself was good, even if the justification for it (beyond, “We HAVE to have Carol Burnett sing somehow!”) was very weak. I’m generally not a fan of having Sue sing. Although Jane Lynch probably has a better voice than a couple of the actors who are in the glee club, that club is supposed to be her sworn enemy. Having her sing feels to me like Elmer Fudd talking about how much he hates rabbits (or “wabbits”), only his best friend is a rabbit. Still, shoe-horning a musical number for Carol Burnett and Jane Lynch isn’t the worst crime in the world.

“Marry You”…A: The “Forever”-lite choreography was fun and lovely and gave pretty much all the kids a chance to shine. Hell, I would’ve given this thing an ‘A’ just for the little dance Mike O’Malley did when he walked down the aisle.

“Sway”…B+: Yes, this was pretty brief, but I think less Mr. Schue (even on this Buble cover of “Sway”) is more.

“Just The Way You Are”…B-: The performance followed Finn’s touching toast at the wedding, and when he started singing, I thought he was singing it to his mom. (Awww.) Instead, it turns out he was singing it to Kurt. (Huh?) Look, it was a sweet sentiment (that every one of his friends and family members accept Kurt just the way he is). The only problem is that this Bruno Mars tune is CLEARLY a love song. Having Finn sing it to Kurt was downright weird, in my opinion.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was I the only one who thought Sam and Quinn were already boyfriend and girlfriend? Which nickname would you pick for yourself: Gelfling, Porcelain or Tickle-Me Doughface? (That was pretty mean, but give Sue props for ultimately having Kurt’s back.) Finally, now that he’s transferred out of McKinley, how long will Kurt stay at the Dalton Academy? And who will he root for during Sectionals?

Dancing with the Stars: Threestyle

We’ve almost reached the end of what could end up being the most controversial season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

At least five different people have told me that, “If Bristol Palin wins, I’m not watching anymore.” I’ve also seen that sentiment echoed online countless times.

Here’s what I’m thinking: (Besides, what the hell am I doing talking about “Dancing with the Stars” with so many different people in my life?!)

If Bristol wins, it would obviously be ridiculous (you CANNOT justify it in any way from a technical standpoint, and she doesn’t even seem like she wants to win). It would also be a pretty scary display of Sarah Palin’s ability to mobilize her fan base. (If she can get people to call in and vote on a silly dance show, what else can she do?) Finally, I would keep watching the show because I enjoy it a great deal, and because I don’t believe Palin’s victory would open any sort of Pandora’s box that would allow future teen activist daughters of controversial political figures to win every season of “DWTS” from now on.

In fact, in the year of Gretchen over Mondo on “Project Runway” (and even Lee DeWyze over a pathetic field on “American Idol”), Bristol Palin winning this thing perhaps makes a perverse sort of sense.

But enough about all that — you know how you feel about that topic, and now you know how I feel. Let’s break down the dancing last night (in order of appearance), which featured a “redemption” round and the ever-popular “freestyle.”

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Len stopped by the studio to help Kyle with his “redemption” foxtrot. If you recall, Len hated the original “Charlie’s Angels”-inspired routine, even though there was no way for it not to be incredibly cheesy and 70’s-tastic. I think Len’s visit and his tips for Kyle’s technique would’ve been more welcome a few weeks ago. In my opinion, Kyle has already done a good enough job of shoring up his technique to match the undeniable charisma he’s always had as a performer. That’s probably why I agree with Carrie Ann that the first half of the fox trot was too “Why so Serious?” It seems like he sacrificed some of that spark to deliver a routine that was pleasing to Len (who STILL only gave him a 9!) That being said, I still really enjoyed it, and it’s absolutely ridiculous he wound up with the exact same score as Bristol. (More on this in a moment.)

Their freestyle routine was fun and irreverent (just like Kyle), but other than a few cha cha moves, I didn’t see quite as much actual dancing as I would’ve liked. Still, I forgive them for bringing an incredible amount of energy and some impressive side-by-side moves from Kyle. Also, I could probably go the rest of my life without seeing Len Good man throw up gang signs or say the word “boogaloo.”

Bristol Palin and Mark: I just can’t with this girl anymore. I know she called out her haters during her rehearsal package, but I actually don’t consider myself a hater. I thought she out-danced Brandy last week in the first round, and I’ve never called her a terrible dancer. I just think her lack of energy/enthusiasm for this silly show is a MAJOR drag. This was perfectly encapsulated by the shot of visiting judge Bruno and Mark going crazy in front of a mirror to get her to cut loose and Bristol standing stock still. Her “redemption” dance was the jive, which we know she hates because she’s been quoted as saying “I hate the jive.” The redemption dance was only a slight improvement in that she actually remembered her steps this time and didn’t have to deal with a cumbersome mid-dance costume change. (The dreaded gorilla head DID make a cameo.) There was no bite or power behind her kicks (a requirement in the jive), and I guess her dancing to “Move” from “Dreamgirls” was supposed to be an ironic choice.

Although her freestyle dance was better, things only got more awkward in the rehearsal studio. When Mark told her they’d be performing a freestyle to the “Cell Block Tango”, Bristol informed Mark that she’d never heard of it or seen a Broadway show ever. That’s fine — but why not go on YouTube or maybe express some excitement over trying something you’ve never done before? I mean, you’re in the finals! Why not try to have a little fun with it. Like I said, the routine was ok (could’ve been subtitled “Bristol Palin dancing in a cage!”). However, I mostly think it was a really cool routine (I liked the tug of war portion) that was completely wasted on a totally disinterested person.

Jennifer Grey and Derek (pictured, left): We’ve come to expect the judges to over-score dancers in the finale. Not only are there generally good vibes going around, but the judges often use inflated scores to bolster a bottom dweller (hi, Bristol!) or establish a clear favorite. Now, I think Jennifer has been pretty great all year and deserves to win, but I wouldn’t say she deserved a perfect 60 this week (or last). Unless we’re grading on a curve – this just in…we’re grading on a curve. Anyway, she more than redeemed herself for her previous paso doble, mostly because the original paso doble wasn’t all that bad and was memorable for Carrie Ann’s “You need to calm down” overreaction. That being said, Jennifer (mostly) took Carrie Ann’s advice on her arm movements, but the biggest strength of the routine was (once again) more ridiculously good choreography from Derek.

For her freestyle, Jennifer carried a watermelon (you didn’t they’d wrap this thing up without another oblique “Dirty Dancing” reference, did you?) Despite showing some apprehension during rehearsal, her fun freestyle ended up featuring more tricks and lifts than anyone else’s, and she pulled them off very impressively. Again, nothing too memorable or to make you jump out of your chair – I was mostly glad Derek didn’t break her.

So what’d you think of this episode? How great was it that they showed clips of Marie Osmond’s freestyle during that video package as an example of how the freestyle can totally derail you? Now that we have Jamie Lee Curtis and Melanie Griffith in the ballroom, what 80’s/early 90’s icon can we expect to see next? (Where art thou, Daryl Hannah?) Finally, who ya got? (I’ve got Kyle coming in third, Bristol second so they can milk this as long as they can, and Chosen One Jennifer Grey as the winner.)

NFL 2010 Week 11 Picks

Yeah, so last week didn’t go so well with the picks.

I featured a picture of Chad Pennington along with my column (he’s out for the season after two passes, if you’re scoring at home), and the picks themselves were nothing to write home about (6-8 week, 67-47 overall).

I blame these stupid Thursday night games for rushing me. Also, my lack of insight into the NFL probably hindered me. Let’s see if I can do any better this week.

CHICAGO @ MIAMI

Sorry, I still don’t think the Bears are very good. Also, I don’t think new QB Tyler Thigpen is that bad. (Best third-stringer in the league behind Colt McCoy?) If this game were in the Chicago cold, you could talk me into the Bears. Since weather won’t be a factor in the Miami evening, I think the Dolphins are the better team, everything else being equal.

BUFFALO @ CINCINNATI

Yes, the Bengals are a cake wreck, but they’re not untalented. At some point, pride has to kick in, right? (Ok, maybe not.)

DETROIT @ DALLAS

Break up the Cowboys! How many more wins until people delude themselves into talking playoffs for Dallas? Two more? Three more?

WASHINGTON @ TENNESSEE

I think the Eagles just scored another touchdown on the Skins. Just a complete embarrassment.

ARIZONA @ KANSAS CITY

I thought Arizona was supposed to be good at home, but they got hammered by Seattle last week. Let’s just say I don’t like them on the road in one of the toughest stadiums to play in.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA

This is Aaron Rodgers “Mortal Kombat”-style “Finish him!” game in regards to Favre and the Vikings. Mostly, Favre.

HOUSTON @ N.Y. JETS

The Texans have to be WAY down after last week’s Hail Mary loss. I actually think they bounce back this week and shock the world. (Plus, they’re under .500...they have to always be hovering just around the .500 mark.)

OAKLAND @ PITTSBURGH

I have a feeling the Steelers are going to be annoyed that they got their necks stepped on by the Patriots.

BALTIMORE @ CAROLINA

If somebody held a gun to my head and told me I had to correctly pick one NFL game in any week of any season or he would shoot me, I would pick Baltimore in this one. That’s how bad Carolina is.

CLEVELAND @ JACKSONVILLE

The Jags HAVE to be riding high, but I like the scrappy Browns to win this one on the road. They’ve given great teams (Saints, Pats, Jets) all they could handle, so they should be able to take the Jags, no?

TAMPA BAY @ SAN FRANCISCO

If I told you before the start of the season that one of these teams would be 6-3 and the other would be 3-6, would anyone believe the Bucs would be 6-3? I mean anyone who isn’t actually ON the Bucs.

SEATTLE @ NEW ORLEANS

Ok, Seattle...fine. I’m ripping off the “horrible road team” tag I slapped on you. But you’re still not going into New Orleans and beating them coming off a bye.

ATLANTA @ ST. LOUIS

The Rams are tough at home, but if the Falcons are who we think they are (there’s Best Team in the NFC buzz) they need to win this one.

INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ENGLAND

Tom Brady played the best he’s played in YEARS against the Steelers last weekend. Peyton Manning (pictured, right) and the Colts are wounded. When these two teams get together, it’s usually an instant classic, and I expect nothing less. It’s the regular season, so I’m taking Manning and the Colts. (Boom! Backhanded compliment!)

N.Y. GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA

I was one of the millions of fantasy football owners who watched in horror as Michael Vick lit up the scoreboard for my opponent, helped him overcome a big lead and destroyed my spirit. He WAS sensational, but after the never-ending hype he HAS to be due for a come down, no? Conversely, is there any way the Giants don’t whip their own asses into shape after being embarrassed at home by the Cowboys.

DENVER @ SAN DIEGO

This should be another shootout. I think the late-season Chargers comeback continues.

America's Next Top Recap: Motion Sickness

(Close-up of my mouth as my lips whisper) “Jooohhhnnn.”

No, this is not Tyra Banks making her “blogging debut.” I just had to get my homage to a certain destined-to-be cinematic masterpiece out of the way at the start.

I was pretty tough on “Top Model” last week after the pathetic go-see disaster. (I think Kayla somehow just walked up to the Versace fashion house again!)

However, I’m excited to report the show bounced back with two (hell three!) delicious scoops of crazy last night thanks, in no small part, to Tyra Banks’ directorial debut “Modelli Folli.” (That’s “Model Madness” to us crude Americans.)

But we’ll get to how I’ve never ever rooted harder for my DVR not to cut off the end of an episode a little later.

We’re down to the final four and the episode’s operative word was “personality.” Seriously, if you had taken a shot every time someone said or alluded to one of the model’s personalities last night, you’d be drunk enough to get “Modelli Folli.”

To that end, the girls briefly met with an acting coach who was there to help them emote, and I was left to wonder if there’s any way for anyone to do any sort of acting exercise without looking like an idiot. (Though that’s kind of the point.)

The girls were supposed to use their newly-acquired “skills” to wow Franca Sozzani, Vogue Italia’s editor-in-chief.

Kayla, riding high from two straight top photo wins, talked more about her pictures than herself and pretty much completely blew it. Chelsey came in and was the most engaging, talking about how she used to save up money to buy Vogue Italia in Idaho. Ann, who desperately tried to come out of her shell throughout the episode, was her usual shy self, while Jane was pretty stiff and forgettable.

The winner (by default) was Chelsey, though I did like that Sozzani conceded that some people (like Ann) are just shy, and that’s not the worst thing in the world. Also, a peppy/perky Ann would’ve been phony and no one wants to see that. What I didn’t like was the way ALT was talking to Sozzani from the doorway throughout their conversation. I get why he was hanging back while the contestants were in there, but why the hell wouldn’t he come closer when it was just him and Sozzani in the room? Did she reek or something?!

Chelsey’s reward was a private viewing of The Last Supper, and she brought Kayla along. The two also got to hang out a seven-star hotel. Ann and Jane, meanwhile, stayed home, had Chinese food, doodled a drawing of The Last Supper, and displayed more personality in about a minute or so than they have throughout the entire competition.

Pretty soon, we came to the episode’s main event. Instead of a photo shoot, Tyra would direct the girls in a “motion editorial”, which I’m pretty sure is something she just made up the same way she likes to make up words. (Hello, “smize.”)

While they were filming, none of the girls seemed to bomb, so it was hard to see who stood out. Even Chelsey (pictured, right), who seemed to get off to a rough start, bounced back and wound up being my favorite. She was giving me some Daryl Hannah in “Blade Runner” vibes, and her walk was so fierce that Tyra didn’t even wind up using anyone else’s in the final cut.

(What? Did you seriously think I would talk up “Modelli Folli” this much and NOT link to it? That thing even freaked out Fellini!)

You want to know what the weirdest thing about this entire episode? I’ve convinced myself that Tyra made it this bad ON PURPOSE. Wait, don’t leave…hear me out!

Whatever you think of her public persona, I think if we’re being reasonable, we can agree that the woman is not an idiot. Whether she’s crazy is up for debate, but I’d argue that her “craziness” is akin to that of a fox. More importantly, Tyra HAS worked with some of the world’s top fashion photographers and I’m sure she’s even been around some great filmmakers. If she ever really, SERIOUSLY tried to make a good film, do you really think it would wind up looking like a pretentious Calvin Klein ad from hell?

You just nodded didn’t you? Ok, moving on.

Since Chelsey did so well and Ann has been killing it most of the season, when Ann was called first as a finalist, pretty much all the suspense over which two girls would be going home was gone. Kayla seemed to lose steam (and confidence) in this episode, while Jane was just too stiff and robotic in some of her movements.

That being said, I’m actually really impressed with the finalists we have, and I also think this is the strongest final four in a while. (Out of the girls who were eliminated, I especially think Jane will do well.)

So what’d you think of this episode? How much does an issue of Vogue cost in Idaho? (From the way Chelsey was going on about it, I’d guess about $45.) What’s the most amount of stars a hotel in Italy can earn? (Seven out of seven? Seven out of 10? Seven out of 100?!) Finally, who ya got? Chelsey’s walk is a million times better — which is especially crucial for the season finale’s runway show — and I picked her to win from the beginning (honest!).

But it still has to be Ann, right?! The judges and designers she’s met over the course of the competition absolutely FAWN over her model bona-fides. Smart money’s on her.