Jersey Shore: Drunk and Disorderly (Well, More Than Usual)

I missed last Thursday’s episode of “Jersey Shore: Everybody Hates Sammi (and Ron, But Not As Much)” because I went to see “The Fighter.” (My review is coming…sometime.)

However, with a new episode airing Monday night to help launch MTV’s version of “Skins”, I was able to get all caught up with a double dose of Jersey shenanigans. (You know what my favorite part of the “Skins” premiere was? NOT HAVING TO WATCH THOSE G-DAMN COMMERCIALS ANYMORE!!!)

There’s really no need to re-visit last Thursday’s episode because the Sammi/J-Woww fight was broken up fairly quickly, and the rest was almost entirely devoted to the “Ronnie and Sammi Magical Misery Tour” (featuring a giant banana, and The Situation getting shut out of a hookup between Vinny and some random chick they brought home). The editors also worked overtime in making Sammi look pathetic by emphasizing the way she followed him around the gym and the boardwalk while everyone else was having fun in the amusement park. (Not that Sammi needed help to look pathetic.)

Anyway, watching those events made Sammi’s LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG overdue mea culpa to Snooki (and short overdue heart-to-heart with Deena) all the more outstanding. It came after another blow-up with Ronnie in which she asked him to lay his skeletons out on the proverbial table. Ronnie (he of the little girl giggle/dolphin on steroid laughs) kept responding that he hadn’t done anything wrong (recently), which is true. Eventually, he got frustrated and stormed off. Or, in Ronnie’s immortal words, “I need a mind-condom because I’m getting mind-f---ed!” (Couldn’t have put it better myself!)

Anyway, did you read that last paragraph? Sammi acted like an adult and owned up to her mistakes in Miami and the better part of this season. This is HUGE! I don’t even care if Sammi was genuinely sorry or if one of the show’s uncredited writers nudged her toward this apology. I’m just glad it happened, so we could move away from this miserable couple isolating themselves from anyone else. Still, they cruelly teased a reunion at the end, when they acknowledged that they have “a chemistry no one understands” (not even Alfred Nobel) and might wind up together. Ugh.

The reason Sammi’s historic, game-changing epiphany was overshadowed was because of how drunk Snooki (and Deena) was the entire episode. Then again, Ronnie and Sammi’s stank attitude had infected the rest of the cast and discouraged them from getting drunk, having a good time, falling off stages, peeing behind bars, etc. So it makes sense that Sammi made up with the girls (except a frosty J-Woww) and everyone else cut loose(r than usual) in the same episode.

From the beginning, Snooki was drunk, horny and hilariously toting around a two-liter Hawaiian Punch. She tried for the 30th time this season to hook up with Vinny (“I want Seabiscuit”), who turned her down for the 30th time because he cares about her, according to J-Woww. Snooki responded, “Well stop caring and f--- me, man!” (If that doesn’t show up on a T-shirt within the next week, I’d be shocked.) I have my own theory: Vinny isn’t rejecting Snooki to spare her feelings (not that he doesn’t care for her), he’s rejecting her because he, um, DOESN’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER…and doesn’t want to look like a douche on camera. Too late! You’re on “Jersey Shore”!

(Even Pauly D, almost universally acknowledged as the most likable cast member, was not immune to having a drink dumped on him by a girl who was “stalking his life.” Oh well, he made up for it with his hilarious impression of a customer asking him for advice at the T-shirt shop, complaining about having to work there, and capping it by saying, “I’m a DJ!”)

After that, Snooki and Deena proposed a threesome to The Situation, who accepted because if you’re a man, you don’t turn down a threesome with two girls…no matter how little you’re into either of them. Once the lights went down, Snooki slipped away leaving The Situation and Deena in what he dubbed a “Deesome.” Not cool ladies. Things got so bad that he actually had to kiss Deena to keep her from talking. Oh, poor guy!

Even before the all-day bender that apparently got her temporarily tossed in jail, Snooki was in rare form last night. She went to the gym with Pauly (who may or may not be black) and worked out on a stair contraption with no underwear. (They must’ve all been in the laundry.) She also abused tanning lotion, which led her to put her itchy ass in (what else) a mini-fridge. I just hope she didn’t actually poop in there.

Still, it was the gang’s latest outing to the club that really did them in. Snooki didn’t have the good sense to get tossed for drunken behavior in under 10 minutes like Deena did, so when she woke up the next morning, she was NOT fit for work. She kept trying to go in the bathroom to sneak a beer. When Boss Danny kept busting her, she went to get a “coffee”, she made a beeline for a bar where she convinced an older couple to take shots off each other.

Suddenly, she became overcome with the urge to find the beach. Luckily, a helpful gentleman showed her the way: “It’s right there,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder. “Where else would it be?”

J-Woww, Deena and some guy in a green T-shirt who must’ve been part of the production staff gave chase, but Snooki was not to be denied. She wandered into the water carrying a purse. She fell face first on the sand. As more and more onlookers gathered, the cops eventually came to escort her away, and put her in handcuffs when she started mouthing off. Snooki, now just Ronnie in the ranks of “Jersey Shore” cast members being arrested on camera.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will you watch the inevitable, “Snooki: Sex Therapist”? Is that woman who ratted out Roger to J-Woww a professional cock-blocker? Why is J-Woww’s boyfriend such a girl? How would you defrost a bunch of stuck-together turkey burgers? Finally, “turkey burgers”? Eww!

NFL 2011 Divisional Round Picks

Last week (3-1 for the playoffs), the only pick I missed was the one game that everybody — outside of Seattle — got wrong.

So I actually feel pretty good looking ahead to this weekend’s divisional round action. Let’s jump right in with both feet, shall we? (Sorry, the spirit of Wes Welker took over this column for a second.)

BALTIMORE @ PITTSBURGH
We all know both of these teams are pretty great (especially the Ravens…just ask them, they’ll tell you) and evenly-matched. Each squad won on the other’s home field this year (though the Ravens’ win came while Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger was serving his four-game suspension).

So why do I like the Ravens? I think they have the potential to absolutely tear apart Pittsburgh’s patchwork (but improving) offensive line. I also think they have significantly more talent on offense (Psst! Hines Ward is washed up…pass it on!), which will come in handy in a game where points will almost certainly be at a premium.

GREEN BAY @ ATLANTA
How can you not like the Packers in this game? Even before last week’s victory in Philadelphia, they were pegged as the team no one wanted to play in the postseason. Meanwhile, the Falcons this year have always been the team we didn’t 100% buy into, even as they piled up the best record in the conference.

I’m picking the Falcons. Not so much because Atlanta squeaked out a win when these two teams met in the regular season. I just think their home field advantage and (more importantly) their running game will carry them to victory. More simply, there are WAY too many people who like the Packers, while ignoring the fact that Atlanta was the best team in the conference the entire year.

SEATTLE @ CHICAGO
You know the saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again for actually believing that Matt Hasselbeck (pictured, left) and the Seahawks can recapture lightning in a bottle, go on the road (and away from their significant home field advantage) and beat a team with a much superior defense than the Saints unit they just torched.”

(Sorry, I guess I don’t really know how that saying goes.)

Anyway, I was as captivated and astounded as everyone else by the Seahawks’ inspired performance last weekend, but I just don’t see it happening again in Chicago. Didn’t it feel like we just watched the Seahawks have their best moment of the season? (And, yes, I realize the Seahawks won a game at Soldier Field earlier this year.) Although I’m concerned about the inherent train wreck potential of Jay Cutler, I feel pretty good about picking the Bears. (Then again, I felt great about picking New Orleans last week.)

N.Y. JETS @ NEW ENGLAND
Even if I were picking this game without having seen the Pats manhandle the Jets on that fateful Monday night, I’d say this is a HORRIBLE matchup for the Jets.

They have a shaky young quarterback going on the road. They don’t have a dominant running game anymore (which could help that young quarterback out).

But what about their vaunted defense, you ask? their best player (Darrelle Revis) is a shut-down corner who will absolutely take, um, somebody out of this game. The Jets always put Revis on the other team’s best receiver (like they did with a bitter Reggie Wayne last week), but the Patriots don’t really have a “best receiver” and spread the ball around brilliantly. Maybe the Jets can bring pressure and force a turnover. Good luck against the Pats excellent offensive line and a quarterback who currently holds the record for most passes without an interception and a team that only turned the ball over 10 times in 16 games.

Seriously, if you can make a reasonable compelling case as to why you think the Jets will (and can) win this game, I’d love to hear it.

John's Top 10 TV Shows of 2010

And you thought you were done with all of that Best of 2010 nonsense!

Stop acting like you don’t want to read another Top 10 list two weeks after the end of 2010. If you like that, then wait until next month when I unveil my Top 10 movies of 2010! (What?! I’m still catching up on stuff: for example, “The King’s Speech” comes out in my neighborhood this weekend.)

Before we get to the main event, let’s hand out a quick award and see whose stock rose and fell this past year. (NOTE: This is not meant to represent everything on TV…just the stuff I get around to watching.)

WORST PERSON ON TV OF 2010

Ivy from “Project Runway”: I REALLY wanted to give this prize to the ironically named Sammi Sweetheart from “Jersey Shore” (and I’m sure I’ll want to give it to her once I see the latest episode), but this HAS to go to Ivy.

Not only was she a relentlessly nasty person, but she was also a sycophant (sucking up to eventual winner Gretchen). In fact, she couldn’t even do THAT right seeing as how she turned on Gretchen in the season finale. Ivy was boring as a designer and terrible as a human being, and a deserving winner(?) of this award.

STOCK UP
“Community”: The show’s stock started rising after the first handful of episodes in the first season. The key was moving away from the Jeff and Britta Show (Jeff DID form the study group to try to impress Britta, if you recall) and more towards the main group as the dysfunctional family they are. Also, the weirder the show gets (the Conspiracy episode, the Zombie episode, the Paintball episode) the better.

“Weeds”: Ok, I get it. The show is completely unrecognizable from its original premise that had Nancy selling drugs in her suburban neighborhood to maintain her family’s lifestyle. Then again, did you REALLY think it was possible for (or want her) to keep doing that for SIX SEASONS? This show HAD to be blown up! While Nancy is still a godawful mother, I enjoyed watching the Botwins/Newman’s hitting the road and trying to establish a new identity every week. That conceit gave the show a creative juice it’d been missing.

“Entourage”: It took seven seasons, but Adrian Grenier’s Vince FINALLY did something interesting. Sure, it was a self-destructive bender that saw him date a porn star and become addicted to drugs, but at least it was something!

STOCK DOWN
“True Blood”: I watched all three seasons of “True Blood” last year, but its place on this list is due SOLELY to its overstuffed third season that saw ineffective werewolves (who were only there to get their asses handed to them by the vamps), were-panthers, meth addicts, fairies and witches join the fray. Here’s hoping they dial things back a bit and refocus on the main characters, while only making a few strong additions each year. (Like Denis O’Hare’s Vampire King Russell.)

“Glee”: It’s not so much a sophomore slump. It’s more that the show started believing its own hype. What started out as the tale of a bunch of underdogs became a show about which famous actor creator Ryan Murphy could get as a guest star, or which pop star’s catalog they could shoehorn into the plot.

THE TOP 10
10. “Lost”: Personally, I really loved the series finale, but I also understand why some people who were looking for answers might be frustrated. I’m not really sure the entire Sideways storytelling device ended up being a success, but for me it was wonderful seeing almost all the characters in the show’s history come back for one final, action-packed, emotional romp.

9. “Modern Family”/ “Cougar Town”: I hate to cheat by putting two great shows in one slot, but this Wednesday at 9 p.m. comedy block is SO good, that I’d also hate to separate them. “Modern Family” was actually my number 1 show last year (stock down?), but it’s place here says more about how good other shows were than it does about “Modern Family” getting worse. “Cougar Town” smartly moved away from its Jules-dates-younger-guys premise and focused more on the terrific cul-de-sac crew and all their inside jokes. The “Scrubs” fan in me LOVES this, even if do miss Super Cougar Barb.

8. “Dexter”: Like pretty much every other season of “Dexter”, things got off to a semi-sluggish start as the show established its standalone/season-long arc, but once things got going the show was as thrilling as its ever been, even without the presence of a major villain like John Lithgow’s Trinity Killer. The scene with Debra (unknowingly) pointing a gun at Lumen and Dexter in the finale and letting them get away took my breath away.

7. “The Walking Dead”: I thought the pilot was good, but not great. However, the zombie thriller quickly established itself as an engrossing and entertaining drama that provocatively explored what it means to be human. Also, there were some awesomely gruesome makeup effects along the way.

6. “30 Rock”: The show may have lost some of its buzz on the comedy block with the arrival of new kids on the block “Modern Family” and “Glee.” However, the show is as genius and bizarre as ever in its fifth season, which has featured a live episode, Tracy Jordan trying to win an Oscar (or at least a Golden Globe), two Black Swans and Kelsey Grammer as a con-artist.

5. “Justified”: As was the case with “The Walking Dead”, I liked the pilot, but didn’t love it. Still, I quickly warmed to the show’s simultaneously leisurely and thrilling rhythm, which allowed space for each week’s guest star to shine while Timothy Olyphant did cool, confident, commanding work as U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens. On top of that, “Bulletville” was the best season finale I’ve seen in a LONG time.

4. “Friday Night Lights”: I haven’t seen the current final season that’s airing on Direct TV. I’m talking about season 4, which rebooted the show and sent Coach Eric Taylor to East Dillon High School to coach the lowly Lions. Even though a lot of favorites are gone, the show did a splendid job of introducing a bunch of new characters you care for deeply, all held together by the inimitable Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton as the best fictional married couple EVER.

3. “Parks and Recreation”: A lot has been written about how much the show improved after its first season by allowing Amy Poehler to create her own character and by exploring the rest of the talented ensemble. The best compliment I can give it is that “Parks and Recreation” is as funny (though not quite as poignant) as “The Office” was when “The Office” was at its best. (And I still enjoy “The Office.”)

2. “Parenthood”: Watch this show! Where else are you going to find a show that’s suitable for the whole family that also happens to be wonderfully acted (Peter Krause and Craig T. Nelson, in particular, are killing it this season) written and produced. I love shows about zombies and mysterious islands as much as anyone else, but I also enjoy a show where one of the plots is one guy being annoyed that his brother-in-law stepped in and took control of the school play. Is there a reason this show is on at 10 p.m.?

1. “Mad Men”: You probably don’t need me to tell you this is a good show. It’s always been an expertly-acted, intelligent, engrossing drama. The difference this year (which saw Don Draper and Co. start and attempt to keep their own ad agency afloat) is that the thrilling energy coming off my TV screen each week matched that of the characters onscreen. “The Suitcase” is the best episode of television last year. (And of a lot of years.) Also, Jon Hamm absolutely acted his ass off and deserves to win every award he’s nominated for thanks to his work in season 4.

Tangled Review

By now, everyone knows that Disney movies are for everybody, right?

I would also think it’s common knowledge that even Disney “princess movies” — especially the modern musicals of the 1990’s — aren’t just for 10-year-old girls. (At least, that’s what I tell myself as a way to justify me knowing all the words to the songs in “The Little Mermaid.”)

“Tangled”, the latest attempt by Disney (after “The Princess and the Frog”) to revitalize that genre, is no exception.

In case you hadn’t heard, it’s the tale of Rapunzel (Mandy Moore), the princess with the ridiculously long hair who lives an isolated life in an impossibly high tower and under the thumb of her wicked, adoptive Mother Gothel (Donna Murphy).

The reason the movie is called “Tangled” and not “Rapunzel” is because the princess shares equal billing with Flynn Rider (Zachary Levi, who actually narrates the movie), a handsome, smoldering, self-absorbed thief who discovers Rapunzel and introduces her to the outside world.

As I spent so much time establishing in the first few paragraphs, this fast and funny movie has a little something for everybody.

Rapunzel proves a worthy successor to the Disney princesses before her by being a strong (but vulnerable) and independent role model for young girls.

Meanwhile, Flynn Rider (with an assist from the vain Mother Gothel and a truly relentless soldier-horse) handles the heavy lifting for everyone else in the audience by bringing a solid amount of humor to the proceedings. (Those Wanted posters just can’t get his nose right!)

For fans of eye-catching visuals, directors Nathan Greno and Byron Howard (“Bolt”) have made the fairy-tale story of Rapunzel jump off the page with backgrounds that make the forest look like a painting come to life and witty/lively action sequences.

I wish I could say the same for the movie’s music.

The thoroughly forgettable songs by Alan Menken (there’s “Mother Knows Best” and, um, the pretty one during the lantern scene) are emblematic of the movie’s disposable quality. Like “Tangled”, the songs work in the moment, but slip away from your memory as soon as they’re over. This is especially disappointing coming from the man who provided the music for new animated classics like “The Little Mermaid”, “Beauty and the Beast”, and “Aladdin.” (In case you think I’m living in the past, I also thought Menken’s work for “Enchanted” was far superior and memorable.)

While the movie is fun and entertaining, the main problem is that I completely forgot about it the next day.

Tangled…B

Desperate Housewives: Liver Free or Die

When the “big” reveal at the end of your episode is the return of a seventh-tier character that no one missed, cared for, or would’ve recognized if you hadn’t panned to his picture…that’s when you know you’ve just seen a particularly terrible episode of “Desperate Housewives.”

(I paused my “Dexter” mini-marathon for this?!)

Sorry in advance if I come off as harsh, but this latest installment of “Desperate Housewives” was particularly unacceptable after last week’s encouraging episode. Basically, the show squandered any momentum it built up last week.

I’ll try to keep it short because I don’t want to waste your time the way this episode the time of anyone who watched it:

- As predicted, Lynette continued her inexplicably immature (and just downright inexplicable) punishment of Tom for his one-night affair with Renee 20 years ago by playing a series of pranks on him. Doug Savant’s gift for physical comedy helped sell some of this stuff (although that tumble down his steps could’ve killed Tom), but there was just no reason for any of this to be happening.

The only good part of this fiasco was the fact that Lynette and Tom seemed to patch this nonesense up by the end of the episode after they made the controversial decision to talk about it as adults, and after Tom reminded Lynette of the wonderful life they’d built together. (Cut to Penny almost eating a laxative-laced brownie.)

- I used to joke about Teri Hatcher pissing off the writers because of the more embarrassing storylines Susan has gotten over the years. Well whatever Teri Hatcher did to the writers, Eva Longoria Parker must’ve done something 10 times worse.

Not only has Gabrielle been portrayed as a relentlessly bad mother for much of this season (ignoring Juanita, conspiring to have Grace’s mother taken away by immigration officers before changing her mind), but now she’s saddled with a cold bastard of a husband and a crazy doll fixation.

Last night, Grace lookalike “Princess Valerie” (who can jump off cliffs = lol) was discovered and torn apart by Gabby’s daughters, who were the victims of another crazed rant. That outburst was almost as crazy (but much less weirdly endearing) than Gabby’s conversation with the woman from the doll store, who has her own special relationship with one of her dolls.

Overall, NOT a good year for Eva Longoria Parker.

- Speaking of Teri Hatcher, things aren’t really looking up in the “Kidney Now” front. Julie isn’t a match, but it was thought that maybe Susan’s mom Sophie (guest star Leslie Ann Warren, pictured, right) would step up to the plate. I’m guessing Susan’s Aunt Claire (Valerie Harper) was unofficially disqualified because the show established her as a major lush.

Sophie seemed weirdly unwilling to part with her liver, so we knew something was up. Eventually, Claire told Susan that Sophie is battling breast cancer and didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to belittle Susan’s current ailment. The scene between mother and daughter (great job by whoever cast Warren, since the two look freakishly alike) was touching, but it was frustrating to see a lack of forward momentum on a downer of a storyline that we know, in all likelihood, is probably going to be solved at some point.

- Remember how Orson declared his love for Bree for last week and announced that he wasn’t going to stop trying to get her back? Neither did the show.

Instead Bree’s energy was focused on pleasing her priest (I can’t remember if his name was Pastor Blackmail or Father Guilt Trip) by reaching out to Beth Young, the troubled woman with the troubled hairstyle. (According to Renee.)

That led to a disastrous get-together in which Beth found a gun (just like the one that shot her husband) under a pillow on Bree’s couch.

Beth accused the women of trying to frame her (since her fingerprints are now on the gun), the women accused Beth of planting the gun herself (to blame one of them), and everyone at home rolled their eyes because it was painfully obvious that the sketchy delivery guy is the one who planted it.

- That brings us to the return of Zach Young. Obviously, none of the stuff I said in the previous paragraph has been confirmed. However, I’m willing to bet fake Internet money that Zach is the one who shot his unpopular dad for reasons that are yet to be determined.

Then again, the show might REALLY surprise us and have Zach do something completely unrelated. (Remember, Mike is his biological dad, and Zach once stalked Gabrielle once upon a time.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think Zach is the one who shot Paul Young? Do you care? Finally, what’s your doll’s story?

NFL 2011 Wild Card Round Picks

The regular season is over and it’s time to wipe the slate clean!

That’s the cliché, isn’t it? Everyone’s 0-0 now.

Well, that’s good for me because I finished the regular season with a less than spectacular 125-101 record, but hey…that’s good enough to dominate the NFC West. (Ba-dum-ching!)

I have to run out to work on this Wild Card Saturday, so let me sneak in these picks for the first weekend of the postseason.

NEW ORLEANS @ SEATTLE
For the past week, all I’ve heard is people talking themselves into believing that the Seahawks won’t get crushed. (Not that they’ll actually win…just that they won’t get crushed.) Qwest Field is an incredibly loud place to play. The cross-country trip is rough for New Orleans. The rain should will a damper Drew Brees and the vaunted Saints offense. Matt Hasselbeck is really good at reading blitzes. The Saints can’t win without a running game.

I actually agree with the last one. The loss of Saints RBs Chris Ivory and Pierre Thomas will keep the Saints from winning the Super Bowl. However, it will NOT keep them from beating the sorry Seahawks by more than two scores. Did you see how the Rams/Seahawks game turned into a depressing field goal war after that first possession? Don’t overthink this one people!

N.Y. JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS
Watching last year’s AFC Championship game between these two teams, two things stood out. 1.) How painful it was for anyone rooting for the Jets to see Peyton Manning masterfully figure out what the Jets were doing on defense in the second half, and proceed to dissect them and 2.) Colts star WR Reggie Wayne was pretty much invisible in that game, leading Manning to pick on the Jets’ other corner (RIP Lito Sheppard’s career) and Pierre Garcon to catch 11 balls for 150 yards.

Now the Jets have Antonio Cromartie as “the other corner”, who can be beat, but is a HUGE upgrade over Sheppard. I know Manning has dissected Rex Ryan defenses in his career, but I think the Jets defense will do enough to keep the Colts in check. (Meaning in the 20s.) The matchup no one’s talking about is the Jets offense against the Colts defense. We haven’t really heard boo from the Jets running game recently, so I think the Jets would be well-served to have Mark Sanchez (pictured, left, possibly about to turn the ball over) throw early and often to get him comfortable in the game. Add to that the Jets’ strong road record (the team and their fans seem to get anxious at home when things don’t go well), and I’m feeling a Jets upset.

BALTIMORE @ KANSAS CITY
I’ll keep this one much shorter. I LOVE Kansas City’s home field advantage, but I just don’t remember them beating anyone good this year. (Sorry, beating the Chargers in week 1 doesn’t count.)

This just in: Baltimore is good — even REALLY good when they want to be, so they should be able to handle the Chiefs.

GREEN BAY @ PHILADELPHIA
Am I really taking four road teams on wild card weekend? You’re damn right I am.

And not just because Michael Vick these last few weeks has looked more like Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick, and less than the Michael Vick who had his gear shipped to Canton after dismantling the Redskins on Monday night. The Packers have the team speed to match them and, more importantly, this isn’t your father’s fierce/blitzing Eagle’s D. I think Aaron Rodgers is going to carve these guys up Sunday night.

Jersey Shore: The Rookie

I tried. I really did.

For 2011, I resolved to go into the new year — and the new season of “Jersey Shore” — with an open mind about Sammi “Sweetheart”, quickly becoming the most ironically-named character in pop culture history.

By the end of last season, she’d become unbearably, almost (I said ALMOST) comically awful.

As the cast returned to Seaside Heights for season 3, the couple who redefined the word toxic arrived first (oh hai, duck phone!) and instantly alienated themselves from the rest of the house by picking a bedroom with three beds.

Now, I’m not going to kill Sammi and Ronnie for wanting (allegedly) the “nicest” room in that house (whatever that means), but why would you pick a bedroom with three beds if you’re in a couple? (Especially if you’re in a couple that has painstakingly alienated itself from the rest of the house?) Not only are you inviting some poor soul into your own personal, depressing hell (The Situation drew the short straw), but it’s just inconsiderate and doesn’t make sense. Every time the camera showed Sammi last night I pretty much reacted exactly the same way (whorebag) J-Woww did when she saw Sammi standing in the big room: “Ugh!” (MVP could’ve used that room. Or how about: DJ’S?)

Of course, the “D” in “DJ’S” is new cast member Deena, who accompanied a newly red-haired Snooki to Seaside Heights. If we had any illusions about Deena being gradually, seamlessly integrated into the cast, they were blown up last night — and the episode was all the better for it.

In just one episode, Deena declared herself a walking holiday — per The Situation, she’s like Thanksgiving, “She’s got a lot to give, and she’s ready for a lot of stuffing” — got drunk during a game of flip (the?) cup, appeared on her way to hooking up with Vinny in the hot tub, showed her na-na (not to be confused with her kooka) to The Situation (pictured, right, who responded like a 13-year-old boy discovering Cinemax), and incited an argument that led to a fight between Sammi and J-Woww.

Not bad for a day’s work, and certainly worthy of the Rookie of the Year award bestowed upon her by The Situation. In fact, I’d argue that the new girl went overboard in trying to make an impression on the first day. Although she’s being pushed as another “Snooki” (and she’s allegedly Snooki’s good friend), I’m not so sure I’m on board with this addition yet. Then again, if you recall, Snooki got so drunk in HER first day at the house and made such a fool of herself that she threatened to leave. So maybe Deena really IS the next Snooki!

By the way, who knew that Snooki is apparently in love with Vinny. Last night we learned that Vinny had hooked up with Snooki’s previous BFF Ryder (seen in season 2, but not caught by cameras hooking up with Vinnie), which deeply wounded Snooki because, um, she loves that kid or something. Vinnie tried to explain that he didn’t want to hook up with Snooki (who was throwing herself at him) and have her develop feelings for him because that would seriously hinder his ability to get his freak on this season, but that didn’t stop her from leaving in a huff. Vinny also had the best line of the episode when he tried to defuse the awkwardness in the hot tub by asking Deena, “So what’s it like being a dental assistant?” before Deena slipped away.

I guess we have to talk about the fight that ended the episode. Kudos to MTV for at least showing us the beginning of J-Woww vs. Sammi 2: Money Never Sleeps, instead of cruelly cutting away from it right as it was about to happen as they did last season.

Earlier, I mentioned that Deena had tried way too hard. Well that also meant, she TRIED to be friendly to Sammi, asking her where she was from. All she got were cold, single-word responses as she robotically, infuriatingly straightened her hair with her hand.

It’s moments like this that make it easy to agree with Snooki’s contention that Samm is, indeed, “the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Deena tried to drunkenly cuddle with The Situation and Sammi began laughing (well, it WAS kind of funny). Drunk Deena basically said “don’t condensend me, man” and started saying nasty things to Sammi as she left the room, including the c-word that isn’t “cute”, but has a lot of the same letters.

Deena continued saying terrible things as Sammi and Ronnie listened from upstairs. Curiously, neither sprinted into action until Deena mentioned Ronnie. (Note: Deena didn’t say anything about Ronnie: she just referenced Sammi’s f---ing boyfriend.) As we now know, Sammi can only be bothered to get out of bed to hide behind her bully of a boyfriend when he storms downstairs to yell at a diminutive girl.

Eventually, Sammi and Deena started yelling at each other, then Sammi versus Snooki (who got madder and madder the more she talked), then Ronnie (who is dead inside) sat down and put his head in his hands. Snooki miraculously fabricated an insult about Ronnie’s mom thinking Sammi is a bitch…but Ronnie didn’t exactly refute it.

It was when the couple ganged up on Snooki by calling her “a loser from Poughkeepsie” that J-Woww (a dormant volcano in the background) sprang into action and got in Sammi’s grill. Can’t decide what I enjoyed more: the guys sitting back and watching all this unfold as if they were watching TV like us (led by The Instigation, I mean, The Situation) or Sammi FINALLY getting smacked in that smug face of hers.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was up with Sammi’s fake punch? (If you’re gonna step to J-Woww, you best step to her for real!) What will the casts’ faux job be this year? Are you as disappointed as I am that we barely got any Pauly D last night? Finally, could Vinnie had found a girlier shower caddy? (It was periwinkle…all that was missing was a pretty yellow flower.)

True Grit Review

For all the useless information about movies my brain has collected over the years, I don’t really know jack about John Wayne.

I know he starred in a lot of westerns, but I’ve only seen one of his movies all the way through. (“The Green Berets” — don’t ask me why.) To be honest, my main reference point for the American screen icon is the impersonation of his walk that Nathan Lane does in “The Birdcage.” I also know that the only Best Actor Oscar Wayne collected during his storied career was for 1969’s “True Grit.”

I’m telling you all that to tell you this: although I’m already a person who strongly believes every movie should be able to stand on its own (whether it’s based on a book you haven’t read or a sequel/remake to a movie you haven’t seen), I’m not here to compare John Wayne to Jeff Bridges, and I’m REALLY not here to compare the original film to Joel and Ethan Coen’s thoroughly entertaining new take.

The spin for the new version is that it’s less of a remake of the John Wayne flick and more of a reimagining/direct adaptation of Charles Portis’ novel. Well, I didn’t read the novel either, so there goes that.

All I know is that this version stars Hailee Steinfeld (in a dazzling big-screen debut) as Mattie Ross, a 14-year-old girl who hires Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges) —the meanest, crotchetiest U.S. Marshal she could find — to track down Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin), the man who killed her father.

Also looking for Chaney is a flamboyant Texas Ranger named LaBoeuf (pronounced “LaBeef”) who periodically joins Mattie and Rooster on their mission, and is more than happy to tell you how great the Rangers are.

I’m not exactly sure why Steinfeld has been slotted into “Supporting Actress” categories so far during this awards season (actually, I know exactly why…the competition there isn’t as stiff!), but the young actress competently and confidently drives the action in this film. This is particularly true early on when Mattie (who probably has the truest grit of any character) refuses to accept anything less than what she sees as justice for Chaney at her hands.

Still, Mattie isn’t some sort of freaky super child. I really appreciated that the Coens still took time to show that she was a kid who got cold when the person she was sleeping with hogged the covers or who got scared in a shootout.

Bridges is likely headed for his second consecutive Oscar nomination as Cogburn. Though I definitely enjoyed his performance, I don’t know Bridges (who comes off as immensely likable in real life and the majority of his roles) ever really convinced me that Cogburn was a bastard. As a result, his eventual bond with Mattie seemed inevitable from the beginning.

Damon, on the other hand, shrewdly uses his mega-celebrity/on-screen persona to his benefit. Any hang-ups you might have about forgetting that you’re watching “Matt Damon” are right there in his performance as LaBoeuf, who is mostly a noble buffoon that doesn’t fit Mattie’s definition of “true grit.” In other words, I loved him in this movie.

Conversely, Brolin’s performance basically amounts to an extended cameo in which the actor doesn’t really make much of an impression. (Maybe the point is that the person who killed Mattie’s father was kind of a nobody.) Mostly, it was good to see Barry Pepper on screen again (as the head of the gang Chaney is running with) in the movie’s third act.

This being a Coen Brothers production, it’s not surprising to see the movie injected with bits of poker-faced humor (besides the laughs we get from Bridges’ drunk act and Damon, who really is hilarious in this thing) followed up by bursts of violence. It’s also a more straight-forward production than their elegant, thrilling, sorta-confounding “No Country for Old Men”, their previous Oscar-winning entry in the western genre. Like “No Country”, “True Grit” looks gorgeous thanks to Roger Deakins, the Coens’ favored cinematographer.

“True Grit” moves a long at a decent, leisurely pace (occasionally broken up by those fits of humor and violence) before wrapping up with a strong climax and a questionably-necessary denouement. It’s also a satisfying throwback featuring impressive performances, and two of today’s best filmmakers working near (but not quite at) the top of their game.

True Grit…B+

Black Swan Review

Natalie Portman was pretty much perfect for — and is pretty much perfect in — “Black Swan.”

The story of a troubled, repressed young ballerina may not immediately seem like an ideal fit for one of the most famous, well-regarded movie stars in the world.

Portman plays Nina Sayers, a ballet dancer who slowly comes undone after earning the lead role in her company’s production of “Swan Lake.” The lead role in “Swan Lake” requires the dancer to inhabit both the regal and ethereal White Swan, as well as the dark and seductive Black Swan.

The fact that Nina is perfect in the White Swan role, but struggles mightily to channel her inner Black Swan is the reason this role seems tailor-made for Portman. Even though the actress has tried to tap into her dark side before — including earning an Oscar nomination for playing a stripper in “Closer” — it’s never entirely believable. No matter what Portman does, she can’t help but radiate intelligence and give off a good girl vibe. (She’s even poked fun at this image to hilarious effect.)

In watching “Black Swan” and in watching Portman’s career-best, transformative work (and I haven’t even gotten into the technical aspects of her performance as a dancer), I couldn’t help but feel that the movie was a sort of twisted version of “The Natalie Portman” story. (The fact that Nina becomes involved with her hilariously jerky and demanding director, played by Vincent Cassel, while Portman recently announced she was engaged to and pregnant by her “Black Swan” choreographer only made that feeling stronger.)

I’d say this was a coincidence if filmmaker Darren Aronofsky — one of the best directors working today — hadn’t pulled off a similar trick by having Mickey Rourke’s comeback and redemption mirror his character’s in “The Wrestler”, Aronofsky’s previous masterpiece.

His golden touch with casting doesn’t stop there. Mila Kunis is terrific and kind of a revelation as Lily, a fellow dancer who embodies everything Nina isn’t. Kunis is a welcome, friendly, and sexy presence in the film. (And I’m not just saying that because of her lesbian sex scene with Portman — I’m only 75% saying that because of her lesbian sex scene with Portman.) Barbara Hershey is just the right amount of bananas as Nina’s scary, clingy stage mom. Meanwhile, Winona Ryder (though she has only a handful of scenes) is perfectly cast as someone who used to be a big deal.

Genius/fluky casting aside, I expected Aronofsky to bring the same attention to detail he brought to the world of wrestling to the world of ballet, and he absolutely delivered. He shows us that ballet is incredibly demanding and even more than a little dangerous. From a more technical standpoint, the score (mostly a warped adaption of the music from “Swan Lake”) was incredible. It helped set the stage and didn’t require you having seen the original show to appreciate it. I also thought the way his and cinematographer Matthew Libatique’s camera spun around his dancers was thrilling, while his jittery, handheld work for other sequences helped put us in Nina’s paranoid state of mind.

Obviously, I’m a big fan of Aronofsky’s, but the man isn’t without faults.

A lot of the visual metaphors he uses in the movie are a little obvious and heavy-handed. (Nina has an almost exclusively white wardrobe, while Lily pretty much only wears black and has two black wings tattooed on her back.)

On top of that, even though Nina’s freaky visions are very effective for the occasional jolt, I’m not entirely sure a lot of the “what is real?” aspects of the script by Mark Heyman, Andres Heinz and John McLaughlin would hold up under close examination. That being said, I DID think they had some interesting things to say about the pursuit/perils of artistic perfection.

Still, the fact that the movie encourages you to go back and THINK about what you just saw is encouraging.

More importantly, “Black Swan” is an exciting, impressive movie featuring the best performance I’ve seen all year.

Black Swan…A-

Desperate Housewives: Fool Fight!

That Susan Delfino can’t catch a break!

The new year is only a few days old, but things have only gotten worse for our most beleaguered Housewife, who had already been exiled from Wisteria Lane due to financial reasons and got her skinny stomach stomped on during that epic riot in the fall finale. We all know the show wasn’t going to kill Susan off, but she didn’t emerge from the riot unscathed.

As a result of getting trampled, one of her kidneys had to be removed leaving only her other, slacker kidney that only operates at 5 percent capacity. Instead of undergoing dialysis for the rest of her life, Susan vowed to undergo alternative treatments, much to the chagrin of Mike, who was back from Alaska. (More on him in a bit.) That was the plan, at least, until Susan collapsed into convulsions on the hospital floor after she tried to take MJ to the hospital cafeteria for ice cream.

Susan has had such ridiculously bad luck that me and my girlfriend couldn’t help but laugh out loud when she was spazzing out on the floor. (I don’t think that’s the reaction the show was going for.) Still, the scene that followed — where she asked her fellow Housewives to take care of her son in case she dies — was much more effective from a dramatic standpoint.

Of course, those other Housewives already have their hands pretty full if they were ever pressed into the service of raising MJ.

If I were Susan, I’m not really sure I would’ve asked Gabrielle to look after my son if I’d been watching her parenting the last couple of weeks. Juanita began seeing a therapist to help her cope with the fact that Gabrielle is obsessed with her biological daughter, Grace, at Juanita’s expense. The therapist suggested that Gabby and Carlos remove every trace of Grace’s existence in order for Juanita to feel more accepted.

Now, I’ve taken shots at Gabby’s horrible parenting over the weeks (and in the previous paragraph), but even I thought this seemed way harsh(, Tai). Why didn’t Carlos go along with Gabby’s idea to put all that stuff in a safety deposit box? Why wouldn’t that work? Isn’t removing all trace of Gabby’s biological daughter downright cruel? By the end of the episode, Gabby had returned to the doll shop she’d visited earlier in the hour and picked up a doll that looked just like Grace. That was a solid 9 on the “Creep-O” scale, and brings us right back to her being a terrible mother.

Bree, for her part, is already dealing with a pretty full house, so I don’t know how much time she’d be able to devote to MJ.

I didn’t watch the show last year, so I’m not really sure why he left Bree in the first place (or why he’s in a wheelchair), but he made his not-entirely-welcome return last night. Orson claimed that his girlfriend had kicked him out, but it turns out he’d left her to try to get back together with Bree. I don’t have very fond memories of Orson as a character, so I wasn’t particularly glad to see him back, but I have to admit it was fun seeing him stir the pot (which contained coq au vin). I would’ve liked to have seen Bree stand up for Keith a bit more, since Orson was openly being an ass to him, but (in a distinctly “Desperate Housewives”-y moment) she ended up rolling around with him in manure to prove her devotion. I’m still not sure if Brian Austin Green is going to be a part of this show for the long haul. Bree’s hesitation and lack of enthusiasm at his proposal says “no”, but her rolling around in steer manure says “yes.” (Also, “Eww.)

Lynette already has approximately 27 kids, so she couldn’t possibly want to take MJ on. Besides, she’s dealing with the revelation that Renee slept with Tom some 20 years earlier. (While they were on break, apparently.) I thought the show would drag this secret out a bit longer, but Renee’s conscience couldn’t bear it and she spilled the beans. Initially, Lynette responded how you’d expect her to (that icy stare she gave Renee was seriously scary), before devolving into totally unexpected behavior.

Apparently, to punish her husband for keeping that secret for 20 years, she’s decided to…play a bunch of practical jokes on him. Last night, she scalded him with hot coffee, and next week it looks like she switches the sugar for salt, and messes with his recliner. Huh?! I don’t really get it, but my best guess it that this is the show’s way of conveying that Tom and Renee’s “betrayal” is really no big deal.

Then again, maybe Mike would be just fine as a single dad. For most of the episode, the writers wanted us to believe that it was Mike who’d taken a shot and wounded (not killed Paul Young). Maybe Felicia Tilman offered the cash-strapped Mike some serious money, and he couldn’t refuse, so why not? By the end of the hour, Mike denied having anything to do with the shooting and I remembered that the writers wouldn’t wrap that mystery up so quickly. (Or dare to have Mike do something interesting.)

More importantly, Paul now knows that his bride Beth is Felicia’s daughter. I’m actually pretty intrigued with how complicated and twisted their relationship has gotten. Beth was sent to Paul as a spy on Felicia’s behalf, but ended up falling for the guy. Paul, despite stopping just short of raping his wife in order to get sex, eventually won her over and saw her as his only ally. Now that trust is betrayed, even though (unbeknownst to him) she has true feelings for him.

This isn’t going to end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? If the idea is that Juanita is fat because Gabby isn’t her real mother, then why is Celia also chunky? (Why wouldn’t she look more like Grace?) Why are Mike Delfino and Felicia Tilman even in touch? Finally, and most importantly…did MJ ever get his ice cream sandwich? Finally, any new guesses on who shot Paul Young?