America's Next Top Model: 4 Non Blondes

It feels like most of this cycle has been dedicated to getting us to hate Alexandria as much as the other girls seem to hate Alexandria.

Last night, all of a sudden, Monique is the worst person in the house and maybe Alexandria isn’t that bad and…whoops, never mind Monique is gone. I’m guessing the focus next week will go back to how horrible Alexandria is, but you never know.

Tell me how I’m supposed to feel, reality show editors!

As the girls returned home from the previous week’s panel, Tyra was at the house to greet them. I’m guessing Tyra made them walk home again, which would explain how she got there first, and how she had her little presentation set up. The day’s lesson was about model archetypes — like “androgynous”, “girl next door” and “couture” — and how each of the contestants fit into them. We learned that most of this season’s girls are bombshells (even Mikaela? Really?!) and that the only one who could be considered “couture” is Brittani, which probably/inadvertently made her the favorite to win.

Tyra also exorcised Molly’s weave (hallelujah!) and talked to the models about how to handle fan adoration, which led into the week’s challenge.

Ms. J judged a competition that judged how the contestants would handle fans at a meet-and-greet. This contest was hilariously crazy on that fundamental “Top Model” level. Obviously, none of these “fans” knew who the girls were (since this was probably filmed before the cycle began airing on TV), but it was still fun watching them pretend.

The “highlight” was a semi-creepy guy named James, who looked and acted like a slightly younger version of Toby from “The Office.” First he chatted with Monique — by far, the least friendly model there — before being pawned off an Alexandria after Monique told him that Alexandria was likely to kiss him. Of course, it didn’t help matters that Alexandria DID give him a peck on the cheek.

I would’ve enjoyed this segment a lot more if I weren’t convinced that “James” was an actor/plant, but whatever. The extremely personable Kasia won and got to bring along Jaclyn and Brittani to an allegedly fancy dinner with Ms. J. Meanwhile, the rest of the girls had to clean up the meet-and-greet area (how “Hell’s Kitchen” of them) and sit home and munch on sour grapes.

The week’s photo shoot took full advantage of the fact that there are eight white chicks left in the competition. Lo and behold, four are blondes and four are brunettes, so they were pitted against each other in a group photo shoot.

Even though it wasn’t terribly ambitious, I actually liked the blonde’s photo a little more because it was more cohesive. The brunette shot may have been more editorial, but it REALLY looked like everyone was just doing their own thing, and some people looked plain uncomfortable.

Even though two brunettes (Monique and Mikaela) wound up in the bottom two, the dark-haired beauties were told they had the best shot, and Brittani’s fierce face was awarded top photo honors, despite the fact that Tyra pointed out her “amputee leg” pose. (Holy mixed messages, Batman!)

Personally, I thought the blondes should’ve won because Molly and Hannah had the best pictures in the bunch. Once again, I thought the judges heaped too much praise to Kasia’s photo, and, well ok…Alexandria’s hunched pose was weird.

It came down to Mikaela’s strong bone structure vs. Monique’s “I’m too sexy for this competition” quality, and Mikaela stayed on. I don’t completely disagree with the decision, but as a viewer of this show I’m a little bummed because Monique was a more interesting character. She was fascinatingly dumb.

Oh well. Goodbye, Monique. Good luck in your future endeavors, though I’m guessing it’s going to be tough. Is there really a high demand for a bitchier-looking Olivia Munn?

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you able to hang on to the handlebars of fierceness without wearing riding gloves? Finally, if you saw Tyra on the street, what message would you make her record on your outgoing voicemail? (I’m not sure, but it’d probably involve that terrible French accent she brings out every once in a while.)

American Idol: Their Songs

Last week’s incredibly dramatic “American Idol” results show almost made me feel bad that I don’t watch any of the elimination episodes.

Well, almost.

Then I remembered that 99.9% of the time, they’re a hopeless combination of lip-synched performances, sketchy dance moves and painfully drawn-out drama. (But other than that, I really like them.) What I’m saying is that I’m ok tuning in at 8:55 Eastern time and seeing who went home.

When I did that last week, I caught a sobbing Casey Abrams, who’d just been saved by the judges after being eliminated and given a new lease on “Idol” life.

Now, two contestants will be eliminated this week, and the Top 11 didn’t make America’s choice very easy after another solid, occasionally spectacular performance episode that had them taking on Elton John’s catalog.

I think we can all agree that Casey’s not going home. Since the Judges’ Save has been around, no contestant who has been saved has been sent home the following week. This isn’t surprising: usually the judges save someone with potential and, more importantly, that person’s fan base is galvanized to vote for them.

Casey seemed more galvanized than any “saved” contestant from past years. He seemed intent on starting out fresh (shave and a haircut…) and not wasting his new opportunity. I think the most predictable moment of the week — besides Pia singing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” — was Casey dialing down his wild man/growly act and showcasing his voice. The fact that it was predictable doesn’t mean that it was a bad idea. I didn’t think he was great by any stretch, but he was definitely more solid, which is exactly what he needed this week. Also, his last note at the end of “Your Song” was something I didn’t know he could do with his voice. More surprises like that, please.

I’d also be willing to bet my own money that Scotty McCreery, Pia Toscano and James Durbin aren’t going home.

Scotty sang “Country Comfort”, and I like to imagine him flipping through the Elton John catalog, seeing the word “country” and coming to a complete stop. All kidding aside, Randy is right in that it seems like we’re watching a Scotty mini-concert every week because there’s absolutely no question where he fits in the current musical landscape once he’s done with the show.

Then there’s Pia, who once again did what she does: she came out, hit her mark on the center of the stage and hit another ballad out of the park. Once again, she’s also in no danger of winning the prize for most electrifying performer. (I also don’t feel like the choir added anything.) This was actually the subject of the hottest debate on our couch last night: I say that we have no idea whether she can actually perform because she hasn’t really tried; Erica says what we’ve seen so far IS her performing, and that she’s just inherently boring. Your thoughts?

Even if Pia HAD dared to explore other parts of the stage last night, she wouldn’t have surpassed James Durbin for the prize of most electrifying performer. He started out on the peanut gallery, made his way down some stairs, went in the crowd again, then atop the piano, etc. Breaking down his vocals on “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” — which sounded decent, if a little exhausted from his physical effort — is pretty much pointless when you bring Russian splits and a burning piano to the table. This was epically ridiculous. More importantly, it was entertaining.

Beyond that, I wouldn’t be shocked if any of the remaining contestants went home.

I’d be annoyed if Haley Reinhart went home, after she closed the show with a funky rendition of “Bennie and the Jets.” I LOVED how she blew out the “BENNIE!” in the chorus, which is usually sung falsetto. I’m not sure that it was objectively the best performance of the night (as Randy said), but it was my favorite. I still have no idea what the song is actually about, but I’m pretty sure I had the same look on my face as J.Lo did when the camera showed her jamming along with it. Then again, Haley is a perpetual bottom 3 dweller, so you never know.

Same goes for Naima Adedapo, who gave “I’m Still Standing” a reggae makeover that I enjoyed a lot more than the judges did. Her singing is still not strong enough, in my opinion. Erica informed me that the idea that Naima was ever a great singer was just a figment of my imagination.

I’m also not really sure Stefano Langone did enough to buy himself safety after grazing the bottom last week for his disconnected performance of “Hello.” His “Tiny Dancer” was definitely an improvement and he sounded really good (as usual). However, I think he did a better job connecting with the audience than he did connecting with the song.

Even though Lauren Alaina, Paul McDonald, Jacob Lusk and Thia Megia have never been in the bottom 3, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them go after solid, but unspectacular outings.

I really liked the country twinge on the chorus of Lauren’s “Candle in the Wind”, but I can’t shake the feeling that the judges are still trying to get us to love her more than she deserves based on her singing. This performance was ok. I also wish Steven Tyler would stop saying creepy things to her.

Paul was once again thankfully chained down by his guitar, which kept the focus on his unique voice…and away from his “dancing.” I agree with the judges that he can probably push himself more vocally. My biggest problem is that this performance of “Rocket Man” was basically a carbon copy of last week…except, you know, with different lyrics. And that creepy last “long, long, time.”

Thia sang “Daniel” and seemed more connected to her song than usual…but it was still pretty snoozy. She SHOULD be in danger, but she hasn’t sniffed the bottom 3 yet this year, so I’m guessing she’ll be alright.

Finally, there’s Jacob, who (unlike Pia) never gets criticized for just standing there and (over)singing a ballad every week. It’s probably because there’s so much other crazy stuff going on during his performances…and that’s just in his face! I hate to sound like an irresponsible recapper, but I mentally check out when he starts going into his vocal theatrics, like he did with "Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word." I think this was a step back from his breakthrough last week.

So what’d you think of this episode? What member of Stefano’s family do you think will get WAY too much camera time next week? What was up with Ryan Seacrest’s hair last night? (He looked like he had a little-boy haircut, ala “Seinfeld.”) Was Scotty’s mid-song shout-out to his grandma sweet or contrived? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m guessing Naima and Stefano.)

Dancing with the Stars: Jive Fools

During the second performance episode of “Dancing with the Stars”, a couple of frontrunners faltered (slightly), and new contenders emerged. At least Wendy Williams and “Psycho” Mike Catherwood stayed consistently sucky! The 11 couples performed a jive or a quickstep to win our votes and avoid the harsh red light of elimination. Here’s how they did, in order of appearance. Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: I’d love to tell you all about this dance, but I honestly don’t remember much about it. I’m thinking 25 percent of the reason was because Leonard danced first, and 75 percent of the reason was because it was completely forgettable. I remember purple and gold…a short red wig. I have a vague recollection of atrocious jive kicks (point your toes!) and some embarrassing, boxing-related choreography. I also remember thinking for the second week in a row that Leonard has a surprisingly high performance quality. I think he deserves another week to make an impression. Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: During her rehearsal footage, we got to hear Kendra lament about how she’s a tomboy and doesn’t feel like much of a lady. (Cut to Louis van Amstel having Kelly Osbourne flashbacks.) I’m not usually in the business of belittling anyone’s personal issues, but it’s hard for me to completely empathize with the super-famous Playboy model with the world-class chesticles who doesn’t know how to feel like a girl. Oh well. I’m just glad she didn’t let her gloominess bring down her quickstep. Once again, I was surprised by how delighted I was watching her dance, since she’s actually kind of bad. So far, she’s been very adept at picking up Louis’ challenging choreography, but I’m not sure if she’ll stick around to get comfortable enough to infuse her routines with personality and precision. Chelsea Kane and Mark (pictured, right): Oooh, look how young and rebellious they are! They’re too cool and too hip to do an actual jive…traditional jives are for old fogies! I can appreciate the artistry in what Mark accomplished with his circus mime routine, but I’d appreciate it even more if this had been a freestyle performance. This wasn’t a jive — it was a freestyle with bits of jive thrown-in. The main reason I’m so annoyed is because Chelsea actually nailed this difficult routine and is probably the best dancer in this competition. Mark needs to stop wasting her time. Chris Jericho and Cheryl: I think Jericho’s shockingly light-footed quickstep was the best dance of the night. The thoroughly charming and traditional performance was especially welcome after the jive circus that preceded it. Chris succeeded in providing a strong frame from Cheryl — he had especially ordered from 18th century Danish Vikings — and in delivering a fun, charismatic performance. Never mind that he mostly did it because he appears to be scared of Cheryl. Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: Baring skin is nothing new on “Dancing with the Stars” (hell, it’s one of the 10 commandments), but Petra’s revealing, McDonald’s-tinted red and gold outfit did her no favors from a dancing perspective. I mean, from a life perspective, she looked phenomenal. Unfortunately, as a dancer it was easier to see how weak her core is and how ungainly some of her arm and leg movements were during this jive. She’s not the first tall model/super-skinny girl to deal with similar problems. I’m just not sure that Petra will get enough time on the dance floor to figure things out, Erin Andrews-style. Kirstie Alley and Maks: Congratulations if you had Kirstie Alley in your “Who Will Make the First Charlie Sheen Reference This Season?” pool. Too bad, that was more of a “Winning” moment than the quickstep that proceeded it. It wasn’t terrible by any means, but it was a clear step back from last week when Kirstie looked livelier and more comfortable on the dance floor. This week, it seemed like she ran out of gas halfway through (understandable during a quickstep), but was able to finish strong like any good performer. Here’s hoping the narrative of her rehearsal packages from now on isn’t always, “Would a skinny girl struggle with this too?” (I can seem Maks getting sick of that VERY quickly.) Mike Catherwood and Lacey: I actually thought his jive kicks were pretty great, and might’ve been the best of the night. Seriously! Unfortunately, everything else was pretty terrible. He somehow manages to be stiff in both his legs AND his shoulders and arms, which is impressive for anyone who isn’t Frankenstein’s monster. All that being said, I’m pulling for him to come back next week because he honestly seems to be trying and interested in doing well. My girlfriend, Erica, is interested in seeing him come back because she thinks he’s hot. Unfortunately, I don’t think either of us will get our wishes. Romeo and Chelsie: Len called this jive the best dance of the night, and I started to wonder if there was actually something to all the digs Tom was taking at the senior judge. Don’t get me wrong: Romeo’s jive was entertaining, but I didn’t think it was nearly elegant or fluid enough to garner such high marks. Then again, maybe I’m just annoyed because Romeo generally came off as a jackass during his rehearsal segment. Making Chelsie feel his abs…yeah, I’m sure as a professional dancer, she’s never been around a guy with good abs. (Chelsie, for her part, looks to be a complete trooper.) Wendy Williams and Tony: Like Kirstie Alley during her quickstep, she seemed to run out of gas halfway through. Unlike Kirstie Alley, Wendy Williams didn’t really recover to finish strong (throwing a bucket of gold confetti on your partner DOES NOT qualify as “recoring”) and didn’t appear to be dancing that vigorously in the first place. She’s just not as entertaining as I want her to be, and I think she deserves to be eliminated. But she probably won’t be. Ralph Macchio and Karina: As all the judges went out of their way to point out, watching Ralph dance is a joy to watch…even if his over-aggressive jive made him look like a spastic psycho at times. The good news is that if he keeps that intensity up, he’ll get 10s for his paso dobe. The other good news is that he has a teenage son named Daniel who looks and talks just like him. Daniel?! Hines Ward and Kym: I didn’t go as gaga for this routine as the judges did, but Hines and Kym might be my favorite couple on this season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Their chemistry on the dance floor is terrific and pleasing to watch. Their chemistry during rehearsal can use a little work, but hopefully Hines will be able to teach Kym enough American lingo to survive in the mean streets of Pittsburgh. I didn’t know that I wanted to hear someone say “Hey shawty” with an Australian accent until I heard it last night. So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think the kiss at the end of Kirstie and Maks’ routine really spontaneous? Is Romeo aware that the 90’s are part of the 1900’s? (“I was born in the 90’s, not the 1900’s!”) Finally, who do you think is going home? I think it’ll be Psycho Mike, but I hope it’ll be Wendy.

Jersey Shore: Block Party

Out of all the words that get bleeped out —and don’t get bleeped out — on “Jersey Shore,” it was fascinating to learn that the absolute worst thing you can call someone is an “Angelina.”

I’m probably going to keep this season 3 finale recap short because — like every “Jersey Shore” season toward the end — I’m pretty much completely out of gas.

Fittingly, this season finale was filled with goodbyes. The cast said goodbye to each other, Seaside Heights and their sham of a job on at the “Shore Store.” (Ronnie became the latest cast member to sleep through his last shift for good measure…and Danny the boss responded by pouring a bottle of water on him.) On top of that, Ronnie and Sammi said finally said goodbye to their toxic relationship…at least until the group reconvenes in Italy for season 4.

Despite the fact that they’re the worst employees in the world, Danny threw a going away party for the crew. Although some recurring characters showed up — hi, Uncle Nino, who just might really be a pimp…and he’s got the cane to prove it — but I was mostly disappointed that Pauly’s stalker Danielle didn’t put in an appearance. I’m also mildly shocked that no one suffered any piñata-related injuries.

Everyone was allowed to bring guests to their party, and the main conflict came from Vinny’s desire to hook up with Deena’s friend Lisa. Deena strongly objected and said it was because she knows that Snooki has feelings for Vinny so she didn’t want to allow one of her friends to hook up with him. Vinny got annoyed, threw out the word cock blocker about 15 times and compared her to Angelina.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Deena as upset as she was when she got called “Angelina.” (Um, hello?!) I’d be offended to. Putting the fact that Snooki likes Vinny aside, why was it so difficult to understand that maybe Deena just didn’t want Vinny hooking up with her best friend? One upside of this season coming to a close is that Vinny’s descent into total douche territory goes into hiatus for a few months. (Come on, Vin! You’re supposed to be “the normal one.”)

J-Woww had considerably better luck in the relationship department. She and Roger had a borderline adorable conversation in which they agreed to become exclusive with each other. (Boyfriend/Girlfriend!) Things got considerably less adorable when Roger tried to call in sick to work and J-Woww kept yelling in the background, but Roger’s now dating a millionaire, so I’m sure he got over it.

Of course, like much of “Jersey Shore” these past two years, it was all about Ronnie and Sammi.

The episode picked up where last week left off: with Arvin on the phone and informing Ronnie that he’d made out with Sammi one time.

Sammi, as she did with the texting, went into “deny, deny, deny” mode before she finally admitted that she and Arvin HAD made out about two years ago when she was 21. Again, this is NOT a big deal and she did nothing wrong! I don’t understand why she felt she had to lie about this in the first place. I’m guessing by this point complete and utter mistrust has become second nature for these two, and they now lie to each other out of habit.

Things didn’t get better when Sammi was hanging out with some male friends (the nerve!) while Ronnie was scowling and hovering in a corner.

It all culminated in one epic, final fight that left Sammi yelling to Ronnie that “My biggest regret in my life is you!” Ronnie, meanwhile, was reduced to a puddle of tears as he tearfully ran outside with help from The Situation. The reaction shots from all the individuals and couples in the house to Ronnie and Sammi’s fighting were priceless. I’m not even sure if they were actually reacting to the fighting or if it was creative editing, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

It was Sitch, in fact, who rightly pointed out that this final Ronnie/Sammi fight was pretty much summed up by the final poop one of J-Woww’s dogs (was it “Juicebox”?) took on the carpet.

All the spectacular, depressing fighting Ronnie and Sammi did was the equivalent of them pooping on season 2 and 3.

Even after all that, Sammi seemed willing to get back together. So it was up to Ronnie to finally declare that the relationship was over. And he did after some back and forth. At least until Italy. (Ugh!)

And so every cast member packed their stuff and headed home. But not before Snooki told us her presidential platform. So if you want house music bumping from ever car stereo and a universally pale U.S. populace, you know what to do in 2012.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you ever work in a flower shop? (Get those tu-lips over here! [Cringe!]) Did anyone else think that Danny hated Rush, the Canadian band, when Ronnie wore that Rush T-shirt to annoy him? Finally, if you could have Ron or Sam back, which would you pick? (Like Snooki, I’d go with Ron for the unintentional comedy…but don’t tell Sam I said that.)

Justified: Hundred Dollar Baby

If you like hijinks then I’m assuming you’ve really enjoyed “Justified” the last couple of weeks.

Anyone who reads this column knows I wasn’t a big fan of last week’s episode. And while I still stand by every word of that review I think that previous installment prepared me for (and made me more receptive of) this week’s “Save My Love.”

It’s not that I consider this is a humorless show. Hell, dark humor is just as big a staple in Elmore Leonard’s writing as inept scumbags.

The latest episode featured even broader moments and more intentionally comedic coincidences than last week’s “Blaze of Glory” as Winona’s gym bag wound its way throughout the courthouse where she works and the marshal’s office. (A big assist should also go to the great Stephen Root returning as the outlandish, gun-toting, sexual-harrassin’ Judge Michael Reardon, who now has a giant man-crush on Raylan.)

“Save My Love” began with Winona waking with a start at the realization that Raylan had NOT recovered the $100 bill she’d swiped from the evidence cage. (The one she took had a corner torn off. I’m ok with her not initially remembering this detail since she was probably traumatized by the robbery…and had other things on her mind.)

Raylan assuredly but begrudgingly put on his clothes (and skipped his coffee) and set about tracking it down. He found the $100 bill (one of the robbers had it on him) with no help from a lazy, online poker-playing evidence guy and from a proactive Tim, who had already scanned the bill into the system. Since it had been scanned, Raylan had to put the bill back, which is good because two terse FBI guys arrived to collect it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I let out an audible yelp during the next scene. Raylan was trying to assure Winona that the worst that would happen if the FBI found out that she’d taken the $100 bill would be that she would pay a fine. That’s when Winona whipped out her gym bag and showed Raylan (and us) that she’d taken ALL THE MONEY. (Cue the yelp!) I’m not sure why I was surprised, but I was. It would make sense for Winona to take all the money on her first trip — rather than checking to see if one bill was real then coming back to grab the rest — but it was still a shocker.

After the commercial break, Timothy Olyphant did his first OUSTANDING bit of non-verbal acting in this episode. As Winona was explaining the sequence of events that led to her taking all the money, Olyphant’s face went from complete shock to…a smile?! Laughter?! What Winona did was so completely unbelievable that he actually laughed.

Half the fun and tension of the episode came from watching that gym bag ALMOST make its way to the evidence cage. (But can we agree that the bomb squad guy nearly opening the bag was too much?) It turned out that the money was from a bank job 20 years ago and that (I won’t bore you with the details) it was unaccounted for and didn’t belong to anyone.

My favorite bit of non-verbal acting from Olyphant came toward the end. As Winona was hastily and clumsily (nice touch) putting the money back in the evidence cage, Raylan was keeping a lookout for her, but had a look of wall-punching anger and complete disgust on his face. I can’t decide if he was angrier at her betrayal or at himself for risking his career (and what he loves) for someone that would do something so stupid.

And that final, near silent scene where Art walked in on them after they were done and they hastily walked away? Chilling. I mean, is there any way at all that Art didn’t put two and two together?

I almost forgot to mention the part where this episode somehow found away to circle back to the Bennett family (who we haven’t seen in two weeks).

Boyd was fired from his job at the mine after not-quite heroically foiling the robbery from a few weeks ago. He was quickly hired by Carol Johnson (Rebecca Creskoff), a higher-up at the mining company, as part of her security team.

Watching Boyd cram into his uncomfortable suit and trade pleasantries with Raylan at the courthouse was gold. Unfortunately, Boyd quickly figured out that Carol didn’t really want him for security at a trial. She wants him as an enforcer since the Bennetts are causing trouble for her company.

Poor Boyd. In the space of a one-hour episode he goes from awestruck at potentially being offered a legitimate job to gloomily accepting that he was being tempted back to his wicked ways all along.

It was also a really clever move putting Boyd’s latest temptation in a sleeker package that acts like it might have sex with him. (As opposed to his previous temptation which came in the form of a group of mining morons.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you like Boyd’s suit? Who else got a kick out of seeing the return of the smarmily menacing Wynn Duffy? (Let’s call him Mr. Duffy, just to be safe). Would you join Tim’s cult? Finally, do you think we’ll see the return of the sniper/plaintiff who tried to take a shot at Carol Johnson/Judge Reardon?

America's Next Top Recap: Alexandria the Grrr-eat?

For a brief while on “America’s Next Top Model” last night, a modeling competition broke out in the middle of a CoverGirl commercial.

The girls were tasked with creating a commercial for the second week in a row, only this time they had more creative input. (Cut to control freak Alexandria high-fiving herself.) For the first half of the episode, they were split into teams of three with one person on each team taking the task of writer director or “talent.”

The task was to brainstorm and execute a commercial for CoverGirl NatureLuxe Silk Foundation, but the segment mostly ended up being an ad for what a horrible she beast Alexandria is.

Despite the fact that she wound up as the “talent” on a team with Monique and Molly (who were hilariously labeled as co-conspirators when Monique peeked at Alexandria’s diary later), Alexandria couldn’t help herself and tried to control everything. (Like when she repeatedly yelled cut to end a scene instead of letting the director do it.) When they actually got down to filming the commercial, Monique handled her relatively well, but the damage was done.

Jaclyn, Dalya and Hannah were on the same team… and a complete disaster on every level. Dalya, the talent, showed last week that she’s not very natural on camera, but she didn’t get help from a boring script that Mr. Jay slammed as too conversational or from stale direction that didn’t even attempt to make two people sitting around talking look interesting. (I know David Fincher wasn’t on their team, but come on!)

That meant the win (almost by default) went to Brittani, Kasia and Mikaela. Mikaela actually delivered an appealing performance once she stopped dropping F-bombs.

At the house, the girls were doing what they do — reminiscing about how horrible Alexandria is — when Monique got the bright idea to peek at her diary. No matter how terrible one person is, that’s just not right. For what it’s worth, the diary revealed that Alexandria isn’t so much malicious as she is completely clueless of how abrasive she comes off to other people.

The show also allowed Alexandria to try to explain her bossiness away by revealing that she’d practically raised her siblings. Come on, “Top Model”! You can’t spend 98% of your season building someone up to be a monster, then try to make them look not so bad.

Anyway, the week’s photo shoot brought the girls to a zoo where they would LITERALLY model some Rachel Zoe faux fur while holding adorable an adorable baby jaguar named Murato.

Hannah and Brittani clearly had the best photos of the bunch with the judges giving Hannah’s fantastic shot the win. I actually would’ve given top photo honors to Brittani because she did everything you could ask of her in that shot: she interacted naturally with Murato, she created a character without saying a word (a complete snob) and (unlike Hannah) she prominently displayed the product.

I say those two clearly had the best shots of the week because I really didn’t love anyone else’s.

I thought Monique’s attitude-y photo was good, not great. I didn’t get the love at all from Jaclyn’s lippy pic or Kasia’s leaning shot, which seemed like a complete accident just like Alexandria’s one shot where she was growling at Murato.

The two worst of the bunch were Molly (who was bad enough that you didn’t notice her terrible weave) and Dalya who, other than being great on the runway, has been pretty much non-stop terrible on this show with the commercials and photos.

And that’s probably why she went home. I’m sure Dalya will continue to find work with that bone structure Tyra is obsessed with, but she was a truly underwhelming contestant. In the end, Dalya didn’t wear her face…she allowed her face to wear her.

Whatever the hell that means.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone else annoyed when the word “jaguar” was repeatedly pronounced as “jag-wire”? (Maybe that was just me.) Are you disheartened by the fact that the rest of the season is pretty much a whitewash? Finally, is Alexandria evil or do models just not understand?

American Idol: Lusk, Caution

I had low expectations for last night’s episode once I saw that it was Motown (Again!) Week.

Don’t get me wrong: Motown music is obviously fantastic and timeless for very good reasons. It’s just that with the rehash of “Songs from Your Birth Year” last week, and the umpteenth iteration of Motown Week this time around, it seems like the producers aren’t even trying to come up with fresh themes for the show this season.

It’s a good thing the finalists stepped their game up and delivered the best Top 11 show that I can remember.

I mention Top 11 week in particular because in this stage of the competition there are usually still at least two or three stiffs that allow you to take a bathroom or snack break (though preferably not both at the same time) when they hit the stage.

Fortunately, this year the only stiff is Thia Megia.

She mercifully picked an up-tempo number last night and actually appeared to start off strong while also getting the crowd involved. Then I realized that most people were probably just relieved that she hadn’t picked a drippy ballad again, so the middle and final portion of the song quickly got boring. I give her credit for appearing to drop a few lyrics but covering it up well. I take away credit for singing “(Love is like a) Heat Wave,” one of the most overplayed songs on this show. (Know your “Idol” history!)

Speaking of knowing your “Idol” history, was there no one around to tell Stefano Langone that David Cook OWNS “Hello” on this show? That wasn’t even my biggest problem with the song. I was more annoyed by the fact that Lionel Richie’s “Hello” is an 80’s pop tune and clearly NOT a classic Motown song. (Why not just sing Motown classic “Dancing on the Ceiling”?) Still, the thing that annoyed me the most was that Stefano seemed more preoccupied with proving he could hit high notes and nail impressive runs than he was with connecting to the song. The good news is that he sounded great. The bad news is that no one was interested in listening to him. Also, in case you forgot that Gordon Ramsay is a monster, he dissed the food that Stefano's mom had made earlier in the week. Just not a good night for the Langone family.

Other than those two, I pretty much enjoyed every other performance. I mean, I didn’t enjoy the fact that Casey Abrams sang “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” — a strong challenger to “Heat Wave” as the most overplayed song on this show — to open the episode, but his walk-through-the-audience performance was well executed. I would’ve liked to have heard more contrast in his vocals to balance out the growl. Also, his slicked back hair only made his unruly bushy bear look even faker than it usually does.

Haley Reinhart is known to rely on her growl, but she also mixed in a few more tools from he vocal repertoire in her solid rendition of “You Really Got a Hold on Me.” I was worried for her when she began her performance by awkwardly lumbering down the staircase, but she recovered nicely. I still say she’s running out of time to deliver the “Wow” performance she really needs. Pretty soon, it’s not going to matter that I think her vocal ceiling is as high as anyone else’s because she’ll be going home.

Naima Adedapo —also perpetually in danger of going home during the first part of the finals — just went out and did what she does: inserted a probably unnecessary dance break in the middle of her song. (This time it was “Dancing in the Street.”) I like that she’s trying to show that she’s the total package as a performer, and I liked that she paid more attention to her vocals which were still just good, not great. (She smartly saved the dancing for the end, when she was pretty much done singing). For better or worse (and unlike Haley) Naima knows EXACTLY who she is.

The same can be said about Paul McDonald, who delivered his best and most pleasing performance. (To be fair though, it’s kind of hard to screw up the beautiful “Tracks of My Tears.”) The best compliment I can give him is that Erica — who threatened suicide last week after listening to him sing (and I’m only mostly sure she was kidding) — didn’t run out of the room while he was singing. I also thought having a guitar and mic stand literally anchored to a portion of the stage and contributed to the restraint.

We saw similar restraint from the similarly off-putting Jacob Lusk on his version of “You’re All I Need to Get By.” Like Paul, Jacob benefitted greatly from toning everything (except for his ridiculous facial expressions) WAY down. It was the first time I really enjoyed listening to Jacob sing, and I also really liked that he seemed to be enjoying himself so much. I’m kind of bummed that I didn’t get to go up on stage the way Steven Tyler and most of the first row.

Jacob had competition in the ham and cheesy facial expression department from Scotty McCreery. I reflexively crined when I heard we’d get a country-fied makeover of a beloved classic, but I actually really ended up liking Scotty’s take on “For Once in My Life.” Scotty sang well, but didn’t seem totally comfortable, which may have contributed to his creepy, Lusk-esque facial expressions that seemed pre-meditated.

Lauren Alaina also played around with her song — “You Keep Me Hanging On” — though certainly not to the extent Scotty did. I really liked the slowed-down opening, and I thought she delivered the energy and attitude that Thia Megia has only read about in books. That being said, I still don’t feel like Lauren is quite “there” yet. At least, she looked like a star last night in her floor-length zebra print dress. (Bold!)

Pia Toscano, on the other hand, looks and sounds like a star whenever she takes the stage. Is it necessarily a bad thing that all Pia wants to do on “Idol” is stand in the middle of the stage and knock a ballad out of the park? (Like she did last night with “All In Love is Fair.”) I think it’s only a problem in that a TV show is being produced here. Not only would it be visually interesting if she actually moved once in a while, but we feel like we have to see a progression of a storyline or a character arc. Even though, I’m getting a little sick of all the ballads, it’d be hard for me to tell her to change what she’s doing because she’s doing it so well. Unlike fellow serial-balladeer Thia, Pia seems to be connecting with and feeling what she’s singing, in addition to sounding good.

Finally, there was James Durbin who closed the show with a crowd-pleasing version of “Living for the City” (which fit his voice very well). Though it wasn’t quite as revelatory is his “Maybe I’m Amazed”, it was still very strong (especially once he started exploring and dancing around other parts of the stage).

So what’d you think of this episode? Could Casey and/or Stefano make surprising bottom three appearances tonight? Who will be the next “Actress Who Was a Much Bigger Deal in the Early 2000’s” to show up in the “Idol” audience? (We’ve head Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler and Kirsten Dunst…maybe Catherine Zeta-Jones?) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m going with Naima in a mild shocker…I’m thinking maybe her fans got a little complacent last night.)

Dancing with the Stars: 'Cheers' and Jeers

Maybe it’s just me, but it sort of feels like the newest season of “Dancing with the Stars” snuck up on us.

Part of the reason for the relatively low-key launch of the show’s 12th season is certainly its sheer lack of Palin, but I was happy to have the show back all the same.

During the premiere, I only counted two dancers who were actively horrendous, but, more importantly, I counted ZERO people who didn’t seem like they wanted to be there. As DWTS watchers, we don’t demand that you become a phenomenal dancer. We just want you to embrace the silliness and entertain us.

It’s like my favorite Adam Sandler movie says: “Just Go With It.”

Here are my rambling thoughts on how the 11 competitors did with the cha cha cha and foxtrot, in order of appearance.

Chelsea Kane and Mark: Congratulations to Chelsea, who was inducted into the Monique Coleman/Kyle Massey “I Had No Idea Who This Person Was Before DWTS Because I’m Over 12 Years Old, But I Don’t Have Kids.” The impression I got besides her generally being Kate Hudson’s mini-me is that she’s an energetic dancer who is well matched with Mark and has the potential to go far. Her foxtrot had good moves, even if they weren’t as smooth as required. Even though, she’s in her 20’s that “afterglow” comment from Bruno was still creepy.

Wendy Williams and Tony: Why does poor Tony get the emotional wrecks? It’s time to bust out all those “Free Tony” shirts you printed when he was stuck with Kate Gosselin. Wendy gingerly tip toeing through her cha cha cha was my biggest disappointment of the evening. I’m not saying she needs to be a great dancer; I’m saying that I at least want some ridiculousness on the dance floor that can match the absurdity of her boobs!

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson: I don’t know why I was surprised that Hines’ cha cha cha was so good since football players have done really well in this competition…yet I was pleasantly surprised. His solo work was pretty goofy and awkward, but I think he did the best partnering work out of any male celebrity. It was actually believable that he was LEADING his pro partner. Just as importantly, he was all smiles, even when Brooke inexplicably brought up his recent Super Bowl loss during their interview.

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry: Dmitry just got it out of the way quickly when he commented that his first thought was how hot she was. Petra — who has a passing resemblance to Edyta Sliwinska — had some pretty lines and good command of her arms (though she could finish her moves better). The main problem was that the routine was too basic, and her footwork was pretty messy. That being said, I think the 2004 tsunami survivor — who sweetly dedicated her performance to the victims of the most recent Japanese earthquake/tsunami even though I guarantee you they don’t care about her foxtrot — will be around for a few weeks. I like her attitude: based on that smiley photo, I’ve never seen someone happier to have a shattered pelvis.

Romeo and Chelsie: During his cha cha cha, Romeo showed that he’s natural performer with strong charisma on the dance floor. I’m also hoping the show got most of its Master P jokes out of the way this week. (Yikes, I’d forgotten that he’d gotten 2s!) My main problem is that Romeo seemed like a pain in the rehearsal. He’s the one contestant who doesn’t seem totally onboard with this show yet. If you’re afraid of not looking “cool” or coming off as too feminine, you probably shouldn’t have signed up for this show. TWICE!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Since Anna’s calling him “Ray”, and Bruno (in midseason form last night) is calling him “Sugar”, I suppose I’ll just call him “Leonard.” Like most of the guys last night, Leonard had terrible posture. Though he was surprisingly good when dancing on his own, he was pretty horrible when he tried to partner. (It’s usually the other way around.) The good news is that his performance level was very high and he’s a charmer. I’d probably advise him to no cry during future DWTS rehearsals.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: Her cha cha cha performance was pretty rough (especially since Louis gave her a pretty challenging routine), but she’s definitely not an unsalvageable train wreck. More importantly, I was REALLY surprised by her enthusiasm, which is unusual for these reality show robots. (see: Kim Kardashian, Kate Gosselin.) Still, most of the fun was had before — Louis suggested she become a stripper, and Kendra admitted she’d already done that — and after — Hugh Hefner sitting with her husband Hank Baskett…awk-ward — the dance.

Ralph Macchio and Karina: The Karate Man (no 49 year old should ever be referred to as a “Kid”) foxtrotted away with the highest score of the night and the title as season 12 frontrunner. The thing no one’s talking about is that parts of it (featuring his “creepy hand”) were pretty sloppy, but Ralph performed this dance in such a loose, joyous way that it didn’t matter. He reminded me of Edward Norton in “Everyone Says I Love You.” (The 30 people who’ve seen that movie know what I’m talking about.)

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke: Full disclosure: Jericho broke in and broke out with the WWE when I was completely into wrestling, so I’m a fan. This premiere episode didn’t give him the chance to fully show the charisma I know he has, but he proved to be a pretty competent dancer with potential. In fact, I think his routine was too easy. I know you want to ease these people into the show, but he spent most of his time standing and posing while Cheryl danced around him. (His big moment was when he ripped his sleeves off…and he kind of blew that.) I feel like he can do more, and once Cheryl finds his neck, the sky is the limit. (Well, 5th or 6th place is the limit.)

“Psycho” Mike Catherwood and Lacey: It’s a good thing he had some really funny one liners (I liked the joke about making up for his lack of dancing skills by being the least well known person in the cast), but he was tagged with the lowest score of the night. That being said, I’m happy Carrie Ann kinda stuck up for him because it’s not like he didn’t try, and I think he has a decent sense of rhythm. His main problem is that he has absolutely no dancing skills whatsoever. Oh well.

Kirstie Alley and Maksim (pictured, left): Was there any way this episode wasn’t going to end with the star of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and self-professed “Dancing with the Stars ho”? Fortunately, the 60-year-old(?!) actress actually delivered the goods. She DID have really good foot placement as the judges pointed out (Maks fist pumped this achievement), and she moved around the floor a lot better than I expected. (Wendy Williams should be ashamed for not bringing it like this!) I actually think Kirstie can eventually do more on the dance floor and improve — if she and Maksim don’t playfully kill each other first.

So what’d you think of this episode? What color should Lacey’s hair be? (I’m asking because she can’t seem to decide.) What do you think of the new cast? Finally, seriously…what WAS that thing on Brooke Burke’s dress?!

Jersey Shore: Lord of the Earrings

“You’ve changed, bro.”

Once again, Pauly D had the line of the night with a succinct, throwaway comment. The gravely hilarious way he delivered this line to Vinny — who was acting as if he’d overdosed on douche pills after getting his ears pierced earlier in the episode — made it even funnier. It MUST have been the earrings. They surely had the same corrupting effect The One Ring had in Tolkien's saga.

Yes, fellow “Jersey Shore” watchers. We’re almost at the end of another season. I don’t blame you if you didn’t realize this because the show — and the last two seasons, in particular — has mostly played like a shapeless blob of drinking, fist-pumping and Ronnie and Sammi arguing.

The way we could tell that the season is almost over was because the cast — especially “I Just Want to Make T-Shirts” Deena and Rip Van Situation — couldn’t even muster up the energy to pretend like they cared about their jobs. In fact, The Situation even managed to get (mock) fired by Boss Danny, which is impressive when you consider that the Shore Store job is a total sham.

With the season wrapping up, we got to hang out with a few recurring characters. In addition to Boss Danny, Danielle the Stalker popped up to once again stalk Pauly D’s life. I don’t know about anyone else, but the only thing that could make Danielle’s appearances more enjoyable is if they played that sound you hear in movies whenever the killer pops up in a horror movie. As for characters I hope become recurring…I wouldn’t mind seeing the older “atomic bomb” (wouldn’t she be an H-bomb?) who was fearlessly throwing herself at Vinny and Pauly.

Watching Vinny act like such a drunken putz was especially disappointing because he’d shared a sweet meal with Snooki earlier on. During that meal, Snooki confessionalized that she was falling for Vinny, while Vinny expressed that he too had plenty of love for Snooki.

All this time, my position on the seemingly one-sided back and forth between Vinny and Snooki was simply that he’s just not into her. Now, I’m thinking that he’s possibly into her, but (as he said) he sees her every day and a hookup amongst roommates can be extremely messy. (A painful lesson we’ve learned from You Know Who.) Of course, Vinny might be more willing to acknowledge his feelings for Snooki if she were more traditionally attractive, but right now I’m willing to accept that he genuinely cares for her…

…if only she looked more like the girl Vinny brought home from the club. Unfortunately, he was once again thwarted by a potential sex partner’s relative when her brother showed up and things got irreversibly awkward. Drunk Vinny tried to jokingly drag Snooki into bed, but (in a moment of stunning clarity) she declared that she’s nobody’s last resort. (Never mind that Snooki has seriously done to Vinny — drunkenly tried to hook up with her as a back up plan — what Vinny only jokingly did to Snook.)

After more shenanigans — I LOVED the Super Mario Bros. shout-out after the guys saw Deena’s “Denim, denim, denim” outfit — the show circled back to where it inevitably winds up: Ronnie and Sammi.

Only this time, we got a firm push from The Situation/Instigation/Snitchuation

Sammi and Ronnie seemed to be on their way to getting back together after Sammi apologized for texting Arvin after she went home, and Ronnie accepted. (I’m assuming “Pass the mustard” meant that he accepted the apology.) Unfortunately, Ronnie’s mom (who I’m assuming doesn’t have an awesome mustache like his dad) drunk dialed the house. The phone was passed from Deena (“I LOVE YOU!”) to J-Woww to The Situation, who was more than happy to chat with Ronnie’s mom about politics, how difficult stand-up comedy is, and the Arvin situation.

When Sammi and Ronnie (who appeared to have some solid night vision sex the day before) came back, Sammi was irate with Mike for stirring the pot. Ronnie would’ve been angry too, but he was too busy being “brainwashed” (in J-Woww’s accurate words) by Mike and the guys. At one point, Ronnie actually said that Mike wasn’t trying to instigate drama he was just trying to act like a good friend. (Forehead slap!)

Eventually, The Situation and Sammi got into their own argument (where Mike hilariously told her, “You are the worst argument person ever”…it’s true!) and ended with Mike calling Arvin and asking him if he’d ever hooked up with Sammi.

Ronnie got on the phone, and Arvin admitted that he and Sammi had made out once. This sent Ronnie into a rage and…we’ll see what happens next week in the season finale.

This is obviously a silly show, but the double standard continues to be astounding. I’m no Sammi fan, and lying about her texts to Arvin was wrong, but SENDING the text wasn’t out of bounds at all because they were broken up. On top of that, he apologized. On the other hand, Ronnie has never truly admitted what he did in Miami, and when he “apologizes” it’s in extremely vague terms. Even worse, the sickening rampage he went on a few weeks ago is still pretty inexcusable and doesn’t put Sammi and Ronnie anywhere near “even” as the rest of the guys were claiming.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why was Pauly D to eager to get rid of the girl he brought home? (I didn’t think she was unattractive at all…until she said, “I’d rather f--- Mike anyway.”) Is there a worse possible competitor for a rap battle than Sammi? (As Mike pointed out, she just says the same things over and over again AND she gets insulted really easily.) Finally, will someone please tell The Situation that there’s no such thing as The Law of Intelligence?!

Justified: Art-istic Pursuits

I can accept that coincidences happen in real life.

And I can certainly accept that coincidences happen in movies and TV shows. I can even live with the fact that things often happen in works of fiction for the sole purpose of advancing the plot or creating conflict.

I guess I expected a little more from “Justified.” The latest episode — “Blaze of Glory” — was WAY too contrived for my taste.

I mean, it wasn’t bad enough that our scumbags of the week robbed a bank, shot a guard in the leg and kicked a woman in the face…that woman had to be Winona. It wasn’t bad enough that Winona was violently attacked and molested during the robbery (which you figure would give Raylan more than enough motivation to track these guys down)…but Winona lost a $100 bill that she had swiped from the evidence cage.

Winona was at the bank with that $100 bill because…well, we’re not exactly sure what the hell she was thinking. We know that she told Raylan that she wanted to find out whether or not it was real. It’s hard to believe that she was doing this in any sort of official capacity because it doesn’t really seem like something in a court reporter’s job description.

We DO know that she was frazzled from an earlier conversation with Gary in which he revealed that he’d taken out a second mortgage on their home to buy a horse and (in a shocking turn of events) that deal had gone south. So, more than likely Winona — in a desperate moment — swiped some cash to test if she could get away with taking money from the evidence cage. Of course, her conscience got the better of her, and she began walking away when the bank robbery broke out.

My main problem is that I thought the bank robbery plotline was interesting enough in its own right. I liked the bit of misdirection of having the creep take center stage during the rivalry, leaving the old guy with the oxygen tank as a sort of afterthought. That old guy turned out to be a notorious bank robber named Frank who’d just served 30 years in prison, but was dying of emphysema. When his wife suggested that maybe Frank was being forced to take part in the heist by his younger accomplices, I thought she might have a point since we’d just seen a reluctant Boyd get strong-armed into a heist. I liked that the episode subtly used knowledge of a prior episode to potentially influence our expectations.

I should’ve known better. Frank wasn’t on the 10 Most Wanted List for nothing. His plan was to allow his two other accomplices to hit another bank while Frank tipped off the police and escaped in a plane to Puerto Vallarta. The only problem I saw was when Frank seemingly faked a heart attack while he was pointing his gun at the hothead. I’m guessing the idea was that they would leave him there to die, but how could he be sure that the hothead wouldn’t put a bullet in him. I guess he was counting on “the smart one” to save him.

It’s small gaps in logic like that which made this the weakest episode of a great season of “Justified” so far. I’m also not a fan of the fact that Winona (so strong, sassy and an equal match for Raylan in season 1) is becoming more like season 1 Ava: a vehicle for the writers to create conflict for Raylan.

Don’t get me wrong: there WERE things I liked in this episode. Speaking of Ava, I liked the tense interrogation scenes as the authorities grilled Boyd and Ava over last week’s heist. Those two presented an impressively united front just as Raylan and Winona’s relationship is starting to get more fractious. (It seems like they both want to have a kid, but Winona wants him to stop being a marshal so the kid doesn’t have to worry about daddy coming home every night.)

I also liked that Raylan once again found a way to neutralize a bad guy without firing his weapon. (Although I DO kind of miss him shooting people.)

My favorite part of this episode was the fact that it was Nick Searcy’s best work to date. I’ve praised “Justified” this year for giving Raylan’s fellow marshals more to do, but I’ve glossed over the fact that Art usually has little more to do than banter with Raylan and bust his chops. (Which he does very well.) I enjoyed the detail that Raylan doesn’t really consider him a marshal — he didn’t include Art in his head count of available marshals — and I loved that Searcy got extended screen time and that Art was the one who got the man. Also, that “foot chase” between Art and Frank was hilariously pathetic. It was like the foot chase at the beginning of “Casino Royale”…only the exact opposite.

So what’d you think of this episode? What is that IT guy? An asshole? (No.) Can you tell the difference between a road flare and a stick of dynamite? Finally, where was Raylan’s hat this episode?

America's Next Top Recap: Grace Under Fire

“America’s Next Top Model” needed to up the crazy factor after last week’s disarmingly blah makeover episode.

So Tyra set the models on fire before having them walk down a fiery runway. Seriously. That happened last night.

Ok, so it didn’t end up being quite as insane as it sounded, but the Geoffrey Mac fashion show did feature the models —except for unlucky (?) Sara — setting the palm of their own hands on fire (with help from a glove) before strutting down a runway as pyrotechnics went off all around them.

Still, the question has to be asked: WHY?!

Anyway, the girls generally did well, but Dalya, Alexandria and Brittani did the best. Since Dalya (pictured, right) spent a good part of the first half of this episode talking about how good her runway walk was, it was good to see her pull out the win. (She got to keep two Mac dresses from the show.) Meanwhile, Sara, Kasia and Hannah were anointed Worst Walkers by Ms. J and forced to “walk home.” (Yeah, right.)

Most of the drama at the house focused on how much of an annoying, controlling pill Alexandria is. Of course, no one dares say this to her face, because then you have to try and swallow that annoying, controlling pill. Also, getting into arguments with angry, stupid people is one of the worst things in the world.

Anyway, the week’s photo shoot was a “Mad Men” inspired commercial shoot in which the girls would be trying to sell Fierce Roast coffee. (Somehow I haven’t encountered this at my neighborhood Publix.)

Personally, I thought it was a little early in the game to shoot a commercial. (Brittani was particularly dreading it because she hates acting.) I also thought the “Mad Men” theme was strong enough on its own to be a photo shoot. Oh well.

The concept for the commercial called for the girls to play secretaries who use their sexuality to sell their boss (Mr. Drysdale) on Fierce Roast. My favorite part was a close-up shot of the script, which revealed stage directions featuring my favorite adverb: “sexily.”

Sara, who identifies herself as a feminist, had a major problem with the concept of the commercial, and never really got into any aspect of what was happening this week. I actually wondered aloud if she’d ever actually watched this show before…what did she think she was getting into?!

It was so annoying and it was SO clear that she was going home, that I actually wished they had eliminated her right after the commercial shoot, skip panel, then have people go online if they wanted to see the commercials.

Of course, the commercials themselves ended up being unintentionally hilarious because when you tell an inexperienced model to be “sexy”, they take that to mean “porn-y.” And I’m haven’t even gotten around to the stiff, but compelling acting (Dalya) or the girl who was so nervous her hand was shaking (Mikaela).

That being said, Kasia — looking like a junior Joan Holloway — was the clear standout and the evening’s deserving winner.

I suppose they couldn’t really scrap panel because the judges needed to find a way to try and scare Alexandria straight in regards to her bossy ways. On the set of the commercial, she was shown supporting Brittani after she started to cry. At first, this seemed like a supportive gesture, but then it became clear that Alexandria wanted the makeup artists job. She didn’t stop there either, as she set out to direct, light, edit, produce and distribute the commercial.

She joined Sara in the bottom two, and Tyra gave her a stern talking to about her bossy attitude. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. If Alexandria is this arrogant now that she’s a nobody, she’ll be completely insufferable if she becomes a successful model. I’m curious to see if this will alter her behavior around the model house. Probably not.

Meanwhile, goodbye Sara. I’m sorry you’re stuck with a short haircut you really don’t like, but you are WAY too normal for this competition. Good luck in whatever you do. (Tell me more about this “college” you spoke of early on in the episode.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Does anyone actually believe that the three runway show losers had to walk home? Would you ever wear a fake booty? Finally, was anyone else kinda/sorta missing the feather duster from ALT’s hat?

American Idol: Happy Birth Year

I’m sure we all have incredibly fond memories of the songs we were rocking out to the year we were born.

Oh wait, none of us remember that because it’s impossible!

The “Songs from Your Birth Year” theme on “American Idol” is a sneakily terrible idea that has lasted a really long time on TV’s number one show. (I have it as a distant second in that category to “Randy Jackson as a judge”…but even Randy has somewhat stepped his game up this year.)

Instead of having contestants pick songs from the year they spent as drooling/pooping/Elvis-impersonating infants, they should make the theme “Songs from Your High School Years” or something similar that would actually reflect the period of time where these contestants started seriously getting into music. On top of that, it would (gasp!) lead to hyper-current picks from our most youthful contestants. (Imagine that.)

Unfortunately, we’re still stuck with this horrible theme which, predictably, led to an underwhelming performance night on Top 12 week. At least we got to see some cute/embarrassing baby pictures and meet some truly adorable parents. (For example, it’s now easy to see why Casey has the off-kilter sense of humor he’s displayed on the show.)

After closing last week’s performance episode with a memorable version of “Umbrella”, Naima Adedapo opened last night with a less memorable, but equally poorly-sung up-tempo version of “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” J.Lo’s right in that Naima is still sacrificing the quality of her voice for performance and entertainment value. It’s a shame because I thought I remembered her being a pretty great singer from her audition and early rounds. That being said, I still feel like she’s interesting (meaning “weird”) enough that she’ll get another week.

I actually didn’t mind the faster tempo on Naima’s song, but I absolutely HATED the disco-fied arrangement for Pia Toscano’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go.” (It was even worse than her shoulder-less silver jumpsuit!) It’s a shame because she gave one of the night’s strongest vocal performances (as usual). I still want her to veer away from pageant territory, but the ill-advised disco diva persona is not the answer.

After Naima opened the show, Paul McDonald and Thia Megia followed up with a deadly dose of back-to-back doo doo. (The alliteration police are knocking on my door.)

Paul sang “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues”, and I’ll just throw it over to special correspondent/my girlfriend Erica: “If I had to listen to that for any longer, I was gonna shoot myself.” (Time to find a new hiding place for our firearms.) While I don’t come close to sharing Erica’s disdain for Paul’s musical stylings (I thought parts of the chorus sounded lovely), the beginning of his song was extremely rough for the second week in a row and I AM getting a little tired of his Drunken Master performance style. However, even Erica concedes that once you hear Paul’s voice, you instantly know that it’s him…so that’s something.

Meanwhile, I’d love to tell you more about Thia Megia’s take on “Colors of the Wind”, but I actually slipped into a coma. (In my dream, it sounded like a lamb was singing at times.) When I woke up, even Steven Tyler was wondering if Thia knew what the hell she was doing by asking if that song really represented who she is as an artist. Thia didn’t help matters by desperately trying to tie it in to “what’s happening in the world right now”…whatever that means.

Fortunately, James Durbin came on around this point to snap everyone awake with some Bon Jovi (“I’ll Be There For You”) Even though that stupid fabric tail returned, James knows he’s going to be around for a lot more weeks (all the way to the finale, where he’ll duet with Steven Tyler, apparently), so he could afford to play it a little safe go back to his scream-y comfort zone, which he did quite well.

Then there’s Casey Abrams, who also seems to know that he’s going to be a round for a lot more weeks, so he could afford to take a crazy, ill-advised chance, which he didn’t do very well at all. I liked that he tried to bring something different to the stage with “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, but his atrocious, thoroughly unpleasant performance mostly made me wonder what I’d done to make him scream at me for a full minute.

Unfortunately, for Haley Reinhart, she doesn’t have the kind of security required to take a chance like that. Her “I’m Your Baby Tonight” was decent, but I’m still waiting for her to give us a performance that delivers on the promise of her great voice. (She just looks uncomfortable on stage…like it’s work being up there.) I don’t know if she’ll get a chance to explore the “soulful” direction the judges suggested because there’s a decent chance she’ll go home tonight. The fact that her lipstick smearing on her chin and teeth overshadowed anything she did on stage probably doesn’t help matters. (Or maybe it does…I know at least Erica felt bad for her.)

I’m predicting that Karen Rodriguez will once again be in jeopardy. Never mind that she stated that she didn’t want to be known as “the Latin singer” before going out and singing a portion of Taylor Dane’s “Love Will Lead You Back” in Spanish. Her performance was just painfully boring until the very end when she finally seemed to get comfortable. And, no — dressing up like a weird Latina fembot didn’t help. Sorry.

At the other end of the spectrum, I’d say Stefano Langone (pictured, left) made the biggest leap of the night with his take on “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.” It’s the best he’s ever sounded. However, I do believe we just saw his ceiling, and I don’t think his ceiling is as high as some of the other contestants’. Then again, the guy is infinitely likable (J.Lo is openly crushing on him) and could go far. But can he actually win?

Lauren Alaina is someone the judges certainly seem to think can win. I still feel like we haven’t seen her ceiling…mostly because the judges keep saying she’s allegedly spectacular. The flu mask bit came off like a built-in excuse at first in case she sucked singing “I’m the Only One”, but I think it’s possible that it held her back and made her hit a solid double in what should’ve been a home run of a performance. (The song was a terrific choice for her.)

Finally, there’s Scotty McCreery and Jacob Lusk.

Scotty continued to take baby steps that would suggest he’s built for the long haul in this competition. He did an excellent job with “Can I Trust You With My Heart” and I really liked the high (for him) note. The judges overpraised him for doing something a lot of singers can do, but I still think it’s crazy how good Scotty sounds when he sings those old-fashioned country songs he favors.

Then there’s Jacob Lusk, who took on Heart’s “Alone.” It’s always fun to see J.Lo wince when a contestant misses a high note. Either way it was another decent showing that was over praised by the judges, who once again glossed over Jacob’s serious issues controlling that crazy voice of his.

So what’d you think of this episode? Exactly how old did you feel when you realized that all of this year’s Idols were considerably younger than you? (I’m guessing that wasn’t just me.) Did you miss Ashthon this week? (Not so much.) Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (I’m picking Karen.)

Glee: Original Recipe

Oh “Glee”, just when I think I’m out…you pull me back in!

If you read this column regularly, you know that I feel too much of the show’s second season has been bogged down by its crusades against gay teen bullying, alcoholism, etc., as well as “Glee” creator Ryan Murphy apparently deciding to believe every last bit of his own hype.

In short, the bad has been far outweighing the good lately, and it’s made me consider giving up on the show. (This from the guy who watched every last episode of “Heroes” and “Nip/Tuck” the LAST Ryan Murphy creation that got off to a sensational start before flaming out spectacularly.)

But even in bad episodes, the show displays little glimmers that keep me around. Every once in a while, “Glee” will even deliver a full episode that lives up to its early season 1 promise…like last night’s “Original Song.”

Now, don’t get me wrong: this episode wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

For example, I’m pretty much done with Sue. No matter how hard Jane Lynch works, I just don’t find Sue’s antics to sabotage the glee club amusing anymore. I mean, maybe last year I would’ve laughed at her forging a letter from My Chemical Romance to keep New Directions from performing “Sing” (it turns out she’d actually slept with the drummer from Jimmy Eat World not MCR), but last night I just rolled my eyes. (Ok, fine, I laughed at her throwing sticks at Mercedes.)

Sue’s just annoyingly exhausting at this point. Fortunately, the previews for the new batch of episodes in April showed Sue getting some antagonistic reinforcement from the likes of Sandy Ryerson (yay!) and Terri Schuester (boo!)

Also, the cruel joke about the how the kids in these singing groups kill themselves to win these competitions…only to be judged by a bunch of buffoons who arbitrarily pick a winner was funnier last year when the show did it during Sectionals. At least this time, the judges weren’t ridiculously overqualified (Josh Groban and Olivia Newton-John judging a high school singing competition in Ohio?!), but I’m still disappointed that the best Murphy — who wrote the episode — could get out of guest star Kathy Griffin was a lame Sarah Palin/Christine O’Donnell impersonation that was probably stale six months ago. At least Loretta Devine’s Sister Mary Constance made me think of “Sister Act 2.”

But I really don’t want to dwell on the negative, because there was a lot to like.

The cast, by and large, once again delivered strong performances. I was especially impressed by Lea Michele and Dianna Agron.

Quinn was still seeing Finn on the down low heading into Regionals. Finn wasn’t quite ready to go public, much to the chagrin of Quinn who was craving the title of prom queen. (We learned last night that prom queens live longer.) As a result, she adopted a “Keep your enemies closer” approach with Rachel.

I thought it was clever that the main reason New Directions wound up going with original songs was because Quinn supported Rachel’s suggestion with devious motives. Eventually, Rachel confronted Quinn in a fantastic, emotional scene that displayed Quinn’s bitchiness and a tiny bit of her heart. When Quinn cruelly told Finn that she needed to end up with Finn in Lima because Rachel was destined for bigger things, I detected more than a hint of jealousy for Rachel’s talent, as well as a the faintest glimmer of a desire to see Rachel man up, get over Finn and achieve her true potential.

Of course, the other, non-musical stand-out scene in the episode was the kiss between Blaine and Kurt. The scene was romantic, but also a little funny and awkward. Although, Blaine realizing (and acting on) his feelings for Kurt felt a bit sudden, I feel like this coupling was earned because the two had established a really strong friendship and bond.

Still, the best thing about this episode was all the music. Even though I reflexively cringed when I read that the show would be tackling original material, most of the songs really impressed me.

Since the show sometimes forgets that it’s a musical/high school comedy, it was refreshing to see a whopping 11 numbers (some partial), all of which were performed by the talented young actors who play the students. Let’s go ahead and break down all the musical numbers:

“Misery”…B: A perfectly serviceable, but standard Warblers performance of a top 40 hit. Then again, that was probably the point since this was where Kurt called Blaine out for hogging all the solos. (“Blaine and the Pips.”) This number actually opened the episode (no dialogue, no “Previously on…) and set the music-heavy tone for the rest of the hour.

“Only Child”…B-: Another funny, disastrous, hyper-specific attempt by Rachel to write her own song. I liked “My Headband” a lot better. (So did Brittany, since we found out it’s her favorite song…awesome!)

“Blackbird”…B+: A lovely number for sure, but I’m not entirely buying THIS being the moment where Blaine realized that he was in love with Kurt. (During his eulogy for his pet bird Pavarotti?!) It’s not even the best Beatles cover from Kurt this season (that’d be “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”).

“Trouty Mouth”…B: I think Santana sounded really good during her jazzy ode to her sham boyfriend’s mouth. Unfortunately, Sam’s lips have officially overtaken Will’s hair as the show’s overused punchline.

“Big Ass Heart”…A-: Really funny, clever and sweet ode from Puck to current lady love Lauren.

“Hell to the No”…C-: Sorry, but Mercedes’ attempt at an original song was WAY too much Sassy Black Girl 101. (I mean, look at the title!) Is there nothing more to Mercedes besides the fact that’s she’s black and big. (When the song rhymed “Tell me I should eat my Wheaties” with “Tell me I’d come down with diabetes” I literally groaned out loud.)

“Jesus is My Friend”…D+: Intentionally soulless and terrible, but soulless and terrible nonetheless.

“Candles”…B-: I loved how Blaine realized that he WAS hogging all the solos, so his big gesture was to hand Kurt a (co)solo. The Warblers went from having Blaine sing lead on all their songs to…having Blaine decide who sings lead on all their songs, while still kind of singing lead. Thanks, oh mighty Blaine! Honestly though, Chris Colfer and Darren Criss sounded good here, but this was a slight letdown for me. I thought it’d be a home run after their earlier, emotional scene.

“Raise Your Glass”…A: Maybe the Warblers ARE meant to acapella-ize top 40 songs because I thought this was actually a great improvement on the original. (Then again, I was always lukewarm on this Pink song.)

“Get It Right”…A: This could’ve been VERY Lea Michele Ballad 101, but damnit the song actually moved me. Maybe I was paying closer attention to the words because it’s an original song, but the (admittedly sappy) lyrics don’t just apply to love. Of course, I probably don’t have to tell you that Michele knocked it out of the park.

“Loser Like Me”…B: This was the glee club’s more pop-y attempt at an uplifting anthem. I remember enjoying it when it was happening, but it also immediately exited my mind when it was over. Also, too much Rachel on lead vocals in the beginning…this was an excellent chance to spread the solos around.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think New Directions deserved the win? (I actually do, just like I thought they deserved to lose to Vocal Adrenaline last year.) Finally, doesn’t Rod Remington have anything better to do than judge high school singing competitions?

Jersey Shore: Roger Dodger

The latest episode of “Jersey Shore” definitively answered one of pop culture’s most burning questions from this young century:

We finally learned, “Who let the dogs out?” It was The Situation!

I HATE to admit this because I share Pauly D’s thoughts on the Ronnie/Sammi saga (“If this relationship continues, I will kill myself”), but — after a couple of blah weeks — last night’s episode was thoroughly entertaining.

I’m guessing it wasn’t a coincidence that the Ronnie/Sammi drama was back in full force. (Get your popcorn ready!)

Before all that, we were treated to a lonely Situation’s shenanigans. With Vinny and Pauly D away on a road trip to see Vinny’s family in Staten Island (which ***SPOILER ALERT*** turned out to be an actual island) and Ronnie and the ladies GTL’ing, the Situation was stuck at home with J-Woww’s dogs, which he nicknamed Lean Cuisine and Juicebox for reasons known only to him.

The Situation did what any reasonable person would do: he made it look like the dogs had escaped their enclosure on their own, fed them pizza and peanut butter and laughed hysterically as they peed on the carpet and pooed way too close to his roommates’ property.

I was hoping that we were done with poop in this house after the plumbers unclogged the toilet last week. Instead — as J-Woww would later describe the latest Ronnie/Sammi fight — it was “same s---, different toilet.”

Mike tried to pretend that he was asleep and that the dogs had gotten out on their own, but Det. Snooki and Det. Deena smelled The Situation’s cologne on one of the dogs. BUSTED! I mean, there was also the fact that Mike was the only person in the house at the time, but I don’t want to steal the thunder away from Det. Snooki’s keen sense of smell.

While returning home from a separate GTL’ing (I hate myself for using that as a verb) session, J-Woww spotted her boyfriend(?) Roger’s car and tried to get his attention by honking her horn and pulling up next to him. Roger sped away, and Ronnie and Pauly D started busting J-Woww’s chops and telling her that they’d seen another girl in the car.

J-Woww did what any reasonable person would do: she called Roger from the duck phone and when he didn’t answer, she broke up with him because there couldn’t possibly be any reasonable explanation for his actions. Except that there was — turns out he was speeding from the gym to the barber shop so he could make his appointment on time (which also explained why he didn’t answer his phone…he was getting a haircut). On a personal note, if someone in a black SUV started frantically honking at me while I was driving, I’m not going to pull off to the side of the road, roll down my window and talk to them.

I loved how J-Woww’s roommates immediately switched gears and tried to comfort her by telling her that they were sure Roger hadn’t done anything wrong. Unfortunately, they told her this AFTER she made her idiotic phone call. (They were like, “Oops, this s--- just got real.) Sure, busting J-Woww’s chops was a little cold, but it’s pretty much all her fault for being stupid enough to believe them. I also didn’t care for her half-hearted apology to Roger, even though it was probably weak because she was so embarrassed.

Finally, we have the return of the Ronnie/Sammi saga.

Early in the episode, the couple had made out while they were clubbing and as America collectively yelled, “NOOOOOO!!!” Fortunately, the two sat down and had an actual mature conversation about that in which they stated they loved each other, but Sammi reasonably expressed that she was scared of what would happen if they got back together. (That makes ALL of us, Sammi) They agreed to keep being best friends (yay, water balloon wars!) until they were eventually healthy enough to continue as a couple (boo!!!)

Unfortunately, everything went to hell during a later trip to Karma.

The Situation saw a friend of his named Arvin, who claimed that Sammi had texted him the previous week and asked him to meet him there. Since the cast can’t have cell phones in the Seaside Heights house, it was deduced that Sammi had sent these texts when she had gone home after her gigantic, tearful blowup with Ronnie. Arvin also had the texts on his phone to prove it. (I’m assuming the incriminating texts had Sammi’s phone number on it, and weren’t just texts from someone named “Sammi.”)

The Situation wanted to let his “friend” Ronnie know, so he claimed that he was going through the proper channels when he told J-Woww (and eventually Pauly, Vinny, Snooki and Deena). And I’m sure that’s part of it. The other, bigger part is that the guy loves to stir up trouble.

Sammi was confronted and yelled out over and over again that Arvin was just a friend. (They didn’t seem like pals to me…more like a potential “buddy.”) Sammi saved most of her poison for The Situation for once again stirring up trouble.

Of course, the best part about this scenario is that when Sammi got busted doing something semi-shady, she ended up doing what Ronnie did so effectively…she attempted to deflect attention from her own misdeeds by shooting (hanging, stabbing, electrocuting) the messenger. In Ronnie’s case, he trashed “The Letter” authors Snooki and J-Woww. Sammi went after The Situation. I loved when she desperately tried to get (silent partner) J-Woww to back her up.

Of course, the real kicker is that Sammi didn’t do anything wrong! So what if she texted Arvin and asked him to meet her at Karma so that they could bang each other’s brains out? Sammi and Ronnie were broken up, so she’s free to text whoever she wants.

So stop lying about it!

So what’d you think of this episode? What kind of name is “Arvin”? (Not quite Alvin…not quite Marvin.) Was anyone else slightly disappointing that Vinny and Pauly didn’t actually make popcorn as they sat down to watch Ronnie and Sammi fight? Finally, what the hell kind of animal is a penguin anyway? Is it a mammal? (Of course not. It’s a bird. EVERYONE knows this. Except for Ronnie and Sammi.)

Justified: Don't Tase Me Bro!

I’m a major multi-tasker.

I shave while I shower. I talk on the phone while I cook. (Note: I do NOT text and drive. Ever.)

I fold laundry while I watch “Justified”…well, not anymore after last night.

Because I was so distracted with folding my towels and underwear, I missed two of the best moments in last night’s episode. Actually, I’m not entirely sure I would’ve caught them even if the show had my undivided attention.

You had to have been paying really close attention to see Boyd use his cell phone to dial his own (well, Ava’s) house number so that he’d have an excuse to go in the other room and spy on his armored car heist cohorts. In fact, watching Walton Goggins’ face in this scene was practically a master class in understated acting. (You can understand why the other guys found his calm so infuriating.) If you watched closely enough, you could probably catch the moment where he decided he wasn’t going to go through with the job. (I’m guessing it was around the time he found out he’d have to kill security guard Shelby.)

The fake phone conversation allowed Boyd to hear that his accomplices intended to kill him and make off with the money. Fortunately for Boyd, he’s a criminal mastermind so he was able to devise a plan that would allow both he and Shelby to survive. I thought it was a little contrived that the writers made the success of the plan mostly contingent on Ava trusting him, but in the end it worked. Boyd found an ingenious way of making the morons blow themselves up by switching out the bag with the explosives during the tense heist.

And just in case you hadn’t gotten the whole Ava-trusting-Boyd point, their storyline ended with police sirens blaring toward them and Ava having to decide whether she was going to turn him in or not. I like to think that even if Boyd hadn’t handed her the $20,000 she needed to keep her house — which he snagged from the heist — that Ava wouldn’t have ratted him out because Boyd really does seem to be trying to do the right thing.

But she probably would have.

The other scene that I should’ve been paying closer attention to was when Raylan paid a visit to a gentleman he suspected of helping the Bennett boys cash deadman Walt McCready’s checks. In this instance (unlike the scene with Boyd) I probably could’ve seen him reaching for the taser — or whatever weapon was on him — but it was still a jolt (get it?!) to see Raylan get taken by surprise like that. Fortunately, Raylan was able to get a shot off on the guy’s foot, which allowed him to turn the taser on the guy’s nuts. The button on this tense, darkly-hilarious scene was watching both guys crumple to the ground in agony.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed that Raylan let someone who he believed to be a criminal get close enough to tase him. Then again, it once proves once again that, as awesome as he is, Raylan isn’t infallible. Even The Hillbilly Whisperer gets temporarily bested by one of his people every once in while.

Raylan was snooping around the missing Walt McCready’s cashed checks because he knows that the Bennetts are looking out for his daughter — young Loretta is literally minding the store for Mags — and he suspects that the Bennetts had something to do with Walt’s disappearance. (Of course, we know that Mags poisoned him, and her boys dumped the body.)

Thanks to sudden snitch Dewey Crowe (who just wants to get to a halfway house) Raylan knows that the Bennetts are planning something big. Meanwhile, Mags found out about two of her sons’ secret, dirty dealings for the second time. First it was the hijacking of the Oxy bus, now the cashing of Walt’s checks.

Both crimes caught Raylan’s attention — Raylan knows the Bennetts are cashing Walt McCready’s checks, and he’s pretty sure they killed him…he just can’t prove it — which SEVERELY upset Mama Bennett because it’s putting these big plans in serious jeopardy.

That final scene with Mags smashing Coover’s fingers with a hammer was absolutely brutal, and it goes to show you exactly why these bad boys are scared of their mom. She’s not a monster though…she took out his non-gun hand.

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Arlo pay back the $20,000 by the end of the season? (I hope he does it little by little so that we continue to see the great Raymond Barry every once in a while.) Finally, is Boyd destined to go back to a life of crime?