24: Trust Issues

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jack Bauer and I had the exact same reaction when an unlikely ally/father figure of Jack’s was shockingly gunned down in the best scene from last night’s episode. Well, maybe not EXACTLY the same reaction — while Jack yelled “NO!” and quickly jumped through (yes, THROUGH!) a glass door, I yelled “NO!” and then continued to put cream cheese on the saltine crackers I was preparing for a snack.

Of course, part of the reason Sen. Blaine “Red” Mayer’s (pictured left, with Jack) death was such a surprise was because last night’s episode of “24” was one of those slower-paced-yet-necessary episodes filled with tons of exposition. (In a related story, I threw in the “Red” in Mayer’s name, not just because of Kurtwood Smith’s great work on “That 70’s Show”, but because he absolutely does NOT look like a “Blaine.”)

What the episode may have lacked in thrills (until the last 10 bulldozer-heavy minutes) it made up for with information about the newest threat to our (fictional) country.

To find all that stuff out, Jack needed to first find out who’d set him up for the murder of Burnett in the hospital. Fortunately, he came across a car whose owner had conveniently left a laptop in plain view, which he could use to upload the security disc he grabbed. Jack recognized the man from the security footage, and sent the screen grab to Renee, the only intelligent person currently working for the FBI. (Then again, she’s officially suspended, so the FBI is currently 100% dummies.)

Renee hesitated, but eventually helped Jack after he used some reverse psychology on her. The man’s name is John Quinn and he works for Starkwood, a big-time military faction. The Pentagon has outsourced billions of dollars in military contracts to Starkwood. It also turns out that Sen. Mayer was investigating Starkwood for potentially shady dealings. Jack got Sen. Mayer’s location from Renee and went to meet him at his house, so he could sneak up on him from behind a door like a movie serial killer.

Over at the FBI, Morris O’Brian, Chloe’s husband, was waiting to see his wife. At around the same time, Agt. Moss arrived, spoke with Renee and tenderly told her to go home. Except that Larry was really reading Renee and realized that she was helping Jack. Maybe the FBI is NOT 100% dummies after all.

Still, it’s frustrating to watch Moss and everyone else spin their wheels and believe that Jack murdered Burnett after everything that’s happened this season. Earlier in the day, when Moss didn’t know Bauer at all, his suspicion was more acceptable. At this point (with Jack having saved the president AND her husband), it’s just stupid (which is why Moss is STILL a dummy, in my opinion). Of course, what’s probably happening is that Larry is letting his jealousy of Renee’s perceived feelings for Jack cloud his judgment.

Proving that NO ONE in the FBI knows what they’re doing, Janis couldn’t crack the encrypted file Renee sent Jack. Luckily, it just so happens they had someone who could crack the code sitting impatiently in the conference room. I liked seeing Morris stand up for Jack at first, but the fact that he eventually gave in was believable given that his wife would’ve faced serious jail time (I also liked the smug, cocky ease with which he cracked the file). Even better, was Chloe’s initial disgusted/exasperated reaction to Morris helping the FBI find Jack. Classic Chloe, but she eventually settled down.

With Renee joining Sean in that special, unseen jail for naughty FBI agents, the action went back to Mayer’s house. Jack had succeeded in linking Starkwood to Gen. Juma and Sangala. There should’ve been an element of great tension for the audience since we knew the feds were on their way, but I loved how reasonably and calmly these two adversaries spoke with each other and settled the audience down for what was to come.

For the second week in a row, we saw that Jack does, in fact, care, as he revealed that he regrets every mistake he made that led to the loss of an innocent life (key word being “innocent”). Eventually, Mayer convinced him to trust the institutions Jack had sacrificed so much to protect. Jack countered that he doesn’t do trust, but Mayer, in his most paternal voice said, “Son, you have to start somewhere.” Then the two went out and played catch. I wish.

Instead, there was a knock on the door from “Metro P.D.” and I had this awful moment where I thought Sen. Mayer was going to sick the cops on Jack. Instead, something much worse happened — Quinn was at the door and gunned Mayer down. (Is there still a mole at the FBI that told Quinn about Jack’s location?) Eventually, the two engaged in a semi-epic hand-to-hand fight involving a bulldozer, an overturned trailer, and a screwdriver to the chest. Before he died, Quinn told Jack that the Starkwood bio weapons were already in the country. Jack grabbed the screwdriver from Quinn’s chest, used it to steal a car (yes!), got the weapons location from Quinn’s phone and called Tony for backup.

I should also mention our weekly dose of Jonas Hodges, who assured his increasingly squeamish assistant Seaton that “the loss of a single soul was tragic to him”, but that collateral damage was necessary in war. I have no idea what war he’s talking about, but I’m still thoroughly enjoying Jon Voight’s (over)acting.

Things were also heating up in the White House where news of Burnett’s death (and Ethan’s approval of Jack’s interrogation) put Ethan in hot water. When a reporter threatened to leak the story, Ethan assumed Olivia had been the source of the leak, since this is the kind of thing she does. Instead, Olivia claimed she spoke with the producer who told her the source was someone in the Federal Marshal’s office in exchange for an exclusive interview with the president.

I realize Ethan has that whole “Shawshank” thing going against him that I mention every week, but Olivia’s aggressiveness and ruthlessness is raising red flags. Also, the whole “Federal Marshals” things sounded like it definitely could’ve been a bluff. I have no idea whether to believe Olivia and Ethan — and I like it.

So what’d you think of this episode? How long until Hodges just goes ahead and kills Seaton already? Who’s the bad seed in the White House? Olivia or Ethan? Finally, where does Sen. Mayer’s death rank in the show’s run? (I’d say it’s particularly shocking and surprisingly affecting. I mean, damn — Jack was all ready to open up and trust, and now he’s wanted for the guy’s death!)

Watchmen Review

I was one of those people who bought a copy of “Watchmen” after seeing the incredibly impressive trailer before “The Dark Knight” last summer.

I love to read, though I don’t own many books because I don’t have a lot of time to read for fun (but I apparently DO have time to write about “America’s Next Top Model”). I’d also never read a graphic novel, but I was well aware “Watchmen” was not only considered one of the shining examples of the form, but one of the best literary works of the late 20th century. That’s how impressed I was by that first glimpse at Zack Snyder’s feature film adaptation.

After actually seeing the film nine months later, I’m somewhat less-impressed.

“Watchmen,” based on Alan Moore and David Gibbon’s masterwork of a graphic novel, is set in an alternate reality in 1985 where Richard Nixon is still president and the world is on the brink of nuclear war with the USSR. Additionally, after a successful run decades earlier, masked (not-quite-super) heroes have been outlawed.

The story is set in motion after the death of the Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), one of the former masked heroes. Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) is the lone masked man who is still active and believes someone is targeting his fellow former Watchmen. He tries to warn his former allies and eventually uncovers an even more troubling conspiracy.

As I mentioned before, I’m familiar with the incredibly-hard-to-adapt source material, but not what you would call a fanatic that’s been waiting for this movie for 20 years. I commend director Zack Snyder for staying so close to the source material to the point that many shots and lines of dialogue are directly lifted from the graphic novel.

However, I also have to criticize Snyder for staying TOO close to the source material and not making enough edits out of an apparent fear of angering the most ardent “Watchmen” fans. Like Robert Rodriguez in “Sin City”, Snyder seems a lot more concerned with making all the characters and settings LOOK the way they do in the book than he is with making a vibrant, interesting movie. This wasn’t a huge problem for “Sin City”, but it’s definitely an issue for “Watchmen”, which has a lot of pointed and funny things to say about politics, heroism, and plenty of other Big Ideas.

It’s too bad because things started off promisingly with a brilliant/dreamy opening credit sequence (one of the best I’ve ever seen) that established the story’s setting, provided us with quick background on the characters and gave fans of the graphic novel’s lesser-known heroes a little thrill. After that, the movie pretty much follows the roadmap established by the graphic novel, even if it means derailing the movie’s main storyline to give us an extended (but still impressive) origin story or flashback.

After that, Snyder’s main contribution to the film are several incredibly violent, over-the-top “Matrix”-style fight scenes that too often veer away from “cool” territory to “ridiculous.” The more stylized sequences (Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II’s fight scenes) don’t work. It’s the more brutal ones (the Comedian’s fight with his assailant, Rorschach’s confrontation with a murderer) that leave a mark.

Then again, the graphic novel is so good that Snyder doesn’t go completely wrong by sticking so close to it. He also gets help from a pretty solid cast.

Haley is terrific as Rorschach, despite the fact that his face is hidden by a mask throughout most of his performance. Rorschach is the character we follow most of the time through the movie’s main storyline and, despite the fact that he’s a no-nonsense, sociopathic loner, Haley makes it so you can’t take your eyes off him. He’s also a totally convincing badass. Morgan also does a very good job as the Comedian, seen mostly in flashbacks. His character is completely deplorable, but Morgan’s swagger and enthusiasm is magnetic. He (along with Haley) does the best job out of anyone in the cast of conveying the spirit of the graphic novels. In the Comedian’s case, it was acting in a way he felt mirrored the despicable place where society was headed.

I also liked Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan, the omnipotent blue hero who also happens to be the only person with actual superpowers. Sure, most of his performance is computer generated, but the actor’s serene voice (Crudup is the voice of the “Priceless” Master Card commercials) fit the detached character perfectly.

The rest of the cast didn’t fare as well. Patrick Wilson is a good actor, but isn’t given much as Nite Owl II other than to act geeky most of the time. Malin Akerman, on the other hand, is not that good of an actress, so maybe that’s why she wasn’t given much to do as Silk Spectre II (an ambivalent, interesting character in the book) other than look good in that yellow and black outfit and whip her hair around stylishly. Meanwhile, Matthew Goode is ok, but mostly overplays Ozymandias aristocratic nature to the point that he’s a bit creepy and doesn’t appear to give a damn about the world he allegedly wants to save. Finally, Carla Gugino (who I like a lot) gives most of her performance in surprisingly unconvincing “old age” makeup.

Overall, Snyder made a (too) faithful adaptation that is more impressive as an action movie than it is as any sort of character study or social commentary. Of course, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that because anybody who’s interested can always just read the book — like I did.

Watchmen...B

Desperate Housewives: Hot For Teacher('s Assistant)

Other than Susan’s storyline — which made her character likable for an amazing two weeks in a row (let’s keep this streak going!) — this episode mostly felt like a placeholder before a more interesting episode arrives next week.

A big part of that is the continued slow crawl of the Dave Williams mystery and the (not-at-all-secret) news that Nicolette Sheridan is leaving the show.

It’s been literally well over a month since we, the audience, have had ANY forward movement or learned anything new about Dave and his plans to get revenge on Mike by killing someone near and dear to him. (How long has this supposed camping trip been scheduled?) I realize the rest of the characters (Edie) have to catch up to what the audience knows (especially when they have to deal with cantankerous small-town newspaper editors like the one from last night), but it’s still been kind of painful for us viewers. The scene in which Dave charmed Katherine into coming along on the camping trip was Neal McDonough’s best scene since VERY early in the season, and reminded me why I was digging the creepy/charming character early in the season before he just became creepy/creepy.

Then there’s the Nicolette Sheridan thing. If you’re reading this recap, it means you’re online, and if you found this particular recap it means you had to dig DEEP into the Internet, so I’m assuming you’re online quite often. Even if that’s not true, you’ve probably still heard that Edie’s character is being killed off. As a result, a certain sense of “is this the episode where she bites the dust?” kicks in and overwhelms everything else the character does. Well, last night wasn’t the episode where she dies, so let’s move on.

And we’ll be moving on and through the Orson kleptomaniac storyline quickly. I’ve made my thoughts on the storyline clear (a blatant, “we HAVE to give Kyle McClachlan something to do, right?” move, no?) and last night we learned stealing was his way of rattling Bree because it was the one thing she couldn’t control.

The fact that he’s stealing useless crap is really weird, but I understand the point that he’s not stealing because he’s poor or needs valuable stuff — he’s doing it for attention. Still, the storyline was so clumsily and inadequately established that whenever Orson and Bree are on screen, they give off an unshakable “why the hell is this even happening?” stench. In fact, the best part didn’t involve Orson at all. I loved Bree’s mild racism in assuming the tacky sleeping Mexican figurine belonged to Gabby. (For the record, it was Mrs. McCluskey’s.)

Speaking of Gabby, I have to give the writers credit here. Last week I asked what the point of Carlos’ boss’ wife’s (that’s a lot of possessive apostrophes) murder storyline was. It turns out Brad’s death allowed Carlos to get his job and make Gabby even more snooty and entitled (which is kinda how we like her, right?)

She didn’t waste anytime looking down her nose at people. Lynette — who’d been battling serious ageism in her very current “it’s a tough job market” storyline — asked Gabby to put in a good word for her with Carlos, who was looking for a director of marketing. Gabby said marketing wasn’t the same as advertising (Lynette’s expertise) and generally seemed cold to the idea, until she needed someone to spy on Carlos’ new right-hand woman/old flame Lucy. I get that Lynette has been running a pizza place for the better part of the last five years, but Gabby’s attitude was still weirdly hesitant. It wasn’t like Lynette flat-out asked for the job — she just asked for a good word, which Gabby seemed totally unwilling to do until she needed something.

It didn’t take long for Lynette to figure out what was happening (that’s why she now makes $100,000/year, instead of $80,000) and both agreed that they were using the other. I was glad to see this resolved relatively quickly because I think it’s clearly a win-win situation and perfectly reasonable for Gabby to agree to overpay Lynette an extra $20,000 to be her spy. What I liked even more was the idea that Gabby quickly got insecure and jealous after initially dismissing unmodel-esque Lucy as a threat. I think these two could have a pretty solid showdown eventually.

Finally, there was Susan who switched from crayons to making vases in her lesson plan after finding out she was being evaluated by her harsh boss Jessie (guest star Swoosie Kurtz). She decided to invite Jessie over for dinner, where Jessie revealed a surprisingly slinky dress (Swoosie Kurtz still getting it done at 64! And yes, I just looked her age up) and checked out Susan’s butt when she bent over. I loved watching Susan cluelessly/innocently “flirt” with Jessie (grabbing her leg, saying she was “through with men”) because clueless/innocent Susan is the one we love (as opposed to clueless/idiotic Susan).

The evening ended with Jessie kissing Susan on the lips (pictured, left) and, even more magnificently, Susan NOT completely flipping out about it. Instead we got a funny scene where Susan asked Lynette, Lee, and Gabby (who kissed Susan to find out what kind of kiss it was) for advice. Instead they busted her chops (you know, like friends do in real life).

This led to an amusing scene in the classroom after Susan told Jessie she wasn’t gay (despite Susan’s boots) and an uncomfortable exchange involving rhinos (men) and gazelles (women). The best line was Jessie saying she wasn’t surprised one of the boys in class liked rhinos because she’d seen him play hopscotch. Though it’s unbelievable that the super-inappropriate Jessie still has a job — why would she badger Susan in front of all those kids, and what’s she doing going after a co-worker so hard (is this why that other assistant is no longer around?) — I thoroughly enjoyed this storyline. I was afraid they were going for “Jessie is Susan in 20 years”, but instead used it to reaffirm that Susan, the most desperate housewife of all, is actually doing ok without a man for the time being because she has her friends.

So what’d you think of this episode? Since Lee is CLEARLY the more interesting gay, does the show even need Bob? How old would you have guessed Lynette was? (I had 45) Is Swoosie Kurtz the year’s best guest star? (I say YES!) Finally, will you miss Edie when she’s gone? (I wish she would become the new dead narrator, but the show seems committed to Mary Alice and it seems like Sheridan will be gone for good.)

Hell's Kitchen: Raising the Bar Mitzvah

Wow. Maybe Lacey was right about the red team’s bitchiness after all.

With Coe-lleen, Seth and most of the rest of the clowns gone, the show made the crazy decision to focus on some of the stronger contenders in the competition. This week that meant the impending showdown for red team supremacy between alpha females Andrea and Carol was front and center and threatened to tear the women apart (as a giddy Lacey watched from a distance).

Then again, it’s more likely that the Andrea/Carol blood feud is really not all that different from the Ben/Danny power struggle on the blue team a few weeks ago. It’s also much more likely that Lacey’s current “happy happy, joy joy” time on the blue team will instantly come to an end as soon as something goes wrong. When Ramsay told Lacey she was finally “shining”, he didn’t necessarily mean she was excelling. He probably just meant that she finally stopped looking like someone who’d perpetually just walked into a Porta-Potty.

The continuation of this “Hell’s Kitchen” recap was surprised to find the women (LA at least) really missing Coe-lleen. I guess no one minded the fact that she was a terrible cook that dragged down the whole team because she “kept their spirits up” (as they were losing). I was also pleased to see Andrea and J own up to their shortcomings in the kitchen, with J taking it especially hard and consulting some family pictures to find inspiration (at this point, I figured he’d be a goner by the end of the hour).

The week’s challenge involved a first for the show — “Hell’s Kitchen” would be hosting a bar mitzvah for a young man named Max. This excited Ben, who felt the need to mention about 67 times that he was Jewish, because the week’s challenge involved making a chicken soup, brisket and burger dish for Max and his family (including his adorable/oblivious grandmother) to taste.

It was blazingly obvious that Ben (after all his talk about being Jewish and having this one in the bag) would lose his portion of the challenge. (Remember Steakhouse Guy Giovanni flopping on steaks a few weeks back?) In typical “HK” fashion, the challenge came down to the wire with Not-Bobby’s Kobe beef burger (insert joke, including one by Robert himself, about Robert eating more than his share of burgers) vs. Carol’s bleu cheese-infused hamburger. Andrea (and a couple of other teammates) had repeatedly implored Carol to reconsider the bleu cheese, but she ignored them. It wasn’t exactly a shocker when Max said he didn’t like the bleu cheese and awarded the bleu, I mean BLUE, team the victory.

The men were off for a relaxing spa reward (where J got on my nerves again by referring to himself in the third person, and a LOT of Not-Bobby’s flesh had to be accounted for) while the women prepared “Hell’s Kitchen” for the bar mitzvah.

Fortunately (unless you’re Jean-Philippe), they had the assistance from the same obviously-phony, stereotypically gay party planner from last season. (Even Martin Short in “Father of the Bride” thinks this guy is over the top.) Did we really need a subplot where this guy continually antagonized J-P? My favorite part was Coi repeatedly using the word “fabulous” to describe Francisco. It’s ok Coi — he’s GAY. It’s ok to say “gay.” Gay LA certainly did.

Andrea and Carol fought some more while assembling the dance floor for the bar mitzvah, though the shots of Carol “angrily” hammering the hardwood crosscut with Andrea irritating her felt even more manipulative than usual.

The dinner service got off to a rocky start as Andrea skimmed on the mushroom in the mushroom risotto. She threatened to go off the rails, but quickly turned things around. On the blue side, J struggled to follow instructions by putting salad dressing on a “no dressing” salad order.

J also went on to have problems on the meat station, but Coi was even worse on the red side. She made some nasty-looking charred hamburgers which still managed to be cold somehow. She got even worse from there, and even resisted LA’s help at one point. J had the same problem with cold meat on the blue side, which leads me to believe there’s some sort of massive, unseen air conditioner unit that makes the chefs’ meat cold.

Meanwhile, the Andrea/Carol feud continued as Carol semi-snapped at Andrea for repeatedly asking for a batch of French fries. Other than that, there wasn’t much drama in the kitchen (and Max and his friends didn’t seem to care about the long wait as they shot hoops) because the chefs appeared to have a relatively competent dinner service. (This also led to a disappointingly low number of Ramsay rantings.)

That meant the show had to resort to showing us J-P “accidentally” knocking over Max’s cake from Francisco’s hands, and an appearance from the Harlem Globetrotters that was even more random and made less sense than the time they were on a Scooby Doo episode.

Ramsay gave the blue team the edge, named Andrea the best of the losers and asked her to nominate two people for elimination. This completely flabbergasted the women’s team and with relatively good reason. Despite making a nice comeback last night, she HAS been flat-out bad on a couple of occasions.

However, Andrea has also been the only person on the women’s team willing to step up, take a leadership role, put her neck on the line while maybe rubbing people the wrong way and own up to her mistakes. As I wrote last week, teammates complain about her bossiness, but I don’t see anybody else stepping up. And no, Carol’s slightly psychotic passive-aggressiveness and half-joking threats to punch someone in the neck don’t count.

If you’re looking for a favorite on the red team, how about Paula?

Andrea ended up nominating Coi (for good reason) and LA (huh). I actually ended up liking the LA nomination because, while she has been a competent cook, she represents what I’m talking about on the red team — a lot of whining, not enough assertiveness. The nomination appears to have lit a fire under LA’s ass.

Coi wasn’t going down easy. She claimed Andrea was actually the worst person on the team and had the (ludicrous) support from all her teammates, who were undoubtedly sick of Andrea’s aggressiveness (and maybe even threatened by her skills). Well, everyone except Paula, who was the only person who had the guts to say that Coi was the worst person in that particular dinner service because (hello!) she was. As a result, Chef Ramsay sent Coi home.

Between that moment, cooking the apparently awesome ahi tempura last week and a couple of this week’s wonderfully sarcastic (rolling her eyes at Ben’s repeatedly Jewishness, mocking the blue team for wearing sunglasses indoors) and harsh comments (why did she need to slam Max by saying it was the last time in his life girls would be lifting him on a chair during the Horah dance?) Paula could become the most stealthily entertaining person to watch this year in a cast of crazies.

So what’d you think of this episode? I wasn’t too clear, but is Ben Jewish?! Why does Lacey fall down in the kitchen so much? Whose side are you on, Andrea’s or Carol’s? Finally, do you think Francisco has a chance with Jean-Philippe? (I don’t — we all know J-P’s heart belongs to Chef Ramsay.)

America's Next Top Recap: Lighten Up

Everyone loves the makeover episodes of “Top Model,” right?

Of course, by “everyone” I mean those people still into Tyra Banks’ particularly brand of crazy, trash-tastic TV that keep tuning into new episodes of “Top Model.” (The people who actually WRITE about said episodes are their own special crazy.)

Anyway, the makeover episodes are an undeniable highlight for those of us who watch this show, so why did last night’s “makeover madness” feel like a let down? I mean, even Tyra’s “Agent T” persona was relatively sane — at least compared to something like the “Good Fierce Witch” (my personal favorite). (Ok, the “For Fierce Eyes Only” thing was pretty funny — thanks for catching that one, Erica.)

Maybe in its 12th cycle, the show just doesn’t have very many surprises left in the tank. If you have long hair (or “amazing bone structure”) it’s getting chopped off, if you have short hair, you’re getting extensions, and if you’re Natalie, you’re perfect and there’s absolutely nothing the judges can do for you except make you cry by pretending they’re chopping everything off.

At first I was annoyed that Tyra left, arguably, the second most annoying contestant on the show untouched. If you’ll recall from casting, Natalie is the stuck up rich girl who apparently entered the competition “just because.” However, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that if Tyra honestly believes that Natalie already looks like a model, then there really shouldn’t be a change made just for the sake of making a change. I suppose it’s better than the waste of time “makeovers” in which no one (at least no straight guy) can see any significant difference (as was the case with Jessica and Nijah, for example).

Finally, while I realize it turned out that Mr. Jay and Ms. J were kidding, I would’ve liked to have seen SOME repercussions for Natalie’s flat-out refusal to let the stylist touch her hair. I know they were messing with her, but what if they hadn’t been? In a semi-related story, my favorite makeovers were Celia, London, and Fo, though Fo did NOT care for her new cut as much as I did (more on that later).

Still, Natalie has a lot of work to do if she wants to catch Sandra as the most horrible person this cycle. That is, if the show’s editing is to be believed. Aminat, at least, appears to not be a fan of Sandra no matter how you edit the show.

This week’s challenge was a remake of last season’s Wal-Mart/Cover Girl makeup test. Except that there are no Wal-Marts in NYC (which I found both surprising and not surprising at all) so the show built a replica of the store’s makeup wall. The girls split into four teams of three and had to persuade a female passerby to allow them to teach her how to use the Cover Girl makeup. One team was too screechy and all over the place, another one thought they were competing in “America’s Next Top Makeup Artist” and applied the products themselves, but Team Celia, Aminat and (sworn enemy) Sandra won a photo shoot reward in the end.

Aminat was happy to win, but not thrilled with having to share the reward with Sandra. The two went on to have a tense moment when Sandra suggested to Aminat that she not get drunk after Aminat took one sip of a drink. Later, while Aminat was receiving a brutal critique during the judging panel, the camera cut to Sandra who had the smile of a little kid who just discovered 20 presents under her Christmas tree.

I’m no Sandra apologist, but the alcohol thing felt like it was blown slightly out of proportion, which is entirely possible given that there was nothing else interesting happening in the house other than Fo crying about her (lack of) hair. Also, the shot of Sandra smiling could’ve been taken from period of time during the panel. Then again, Sandra did say she can’t help but smirk when other people get negative critiques and continues to carry herself with a general “better-than-thou” air, so she’s still firmly entrenched as the most despised person this cycle.

This week’s photo shoot involved the models posing in groups of four and learning how to use light. The contestants also got to work with judge Nigel Barker, who gave them a WAY-too-quick tutorial on using the flashing glow-stick light thingy.

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, a lot of the girls struggled. The worst of the bunch were Aminat (her face DID look awful), Sandra (dead in the face), Nijah, (dead in the eyes) Tahlia (who insists she wants to inspire people, but so far is letting her burns kill her confidence) and Jessica (who just looked pissed). My favorites were Celia (fierce, as opposed to pissed), London (just an interesting person), Allison (doing great so far) and Natalie (she rocked it — can’t take that away from her.)

The judging panel — which was dominated by guest judge Nole Marin and his entertainingly bitchy remarks about pajama tops and telenovelas — convened and put Jessica and Fo in the bottom two. Fo’s picture wasn’t actually bad, but the fact that she couldn’t stop crying about her hair in the middle of a “professional” photo shoot really irked the judges.

In the end, Jessica (the “telenovela”-y Puerto Rican girl) got sent home for being just a “pretty girl.” On her way out, Jessica reiterated that she was absolutely clueless about the competition by telling us that all anyone had ever done is tell her that she’s beautiful. Way to completely miss the point of a show where people with freakishly big eyes dominate and “pretty girls” go home early.

So what’d you think of this episode? Could they have a more hideous mode of transportation this cycle? Were the girls seriously expected to know how to use the flashing light bulbs in a semi-competent way? Finally, we all know who everyone’s least favorite person is, so who is emerging as your fave? (I like London, pictured, left, and Fo, provided she gets her act together.)

Heroes: Gray Matters

I’ve definitely been critical of the “Who’s Sylar’s Daddy” storyline in my recaps this season.

I don’t so much mind the idea that Sylar needs to find his father because of his desire to learn “who he is” and “what made him this way.” Though that stuff DOES seem sort of like a waste of time (we’ve already explored genetics, formulas and eclipses as far as the origins of our heroes’ powers are concerned) it’s not my main problem with the plot line.

What’s bothered me the most are all the fake outs regarding Sylar’s father’s identity and the fact that the whole thing seems oddly disconnected from everything else that’s happening in the “Fugitives” volume. Well, in “Shades of Gray” we finally got to meet Samson Gray (for real this time!) and — though most of the scenes still felt like they were happening in a separate season’s storyline — the show finally put Sylar back on a collision course with the “Fugitives” (and, more specifically, their Hunter).

Of course, another factor was the fun, creepy performance by John Glover as the terminally ill Samson (pictured, right with his son Gabriel, who disappointed Sylar by actually wanting to be killed by his vengeance-seeking son. Samson and his taxidermy gave off a distinctly “Psycho” vibe. Glover also infused his character with the right amount of playfulness as he taunted his son for going after easy prey and, despite looking like a homeless man desperately in need of a day-long shower, still hinted at Samson’s past abilities.

Eventually Samson did more than just hint as he found the will to live (and kill) again and attempted to get at his son’s regenerative powers. At first, I was a little shocked at how Sylar was being overwhelmed, but it turned out the son was just playing possum. Instead of killing his dad, he left him alone to die slowly, though I’m pretty sure this isn’t the last we’ll see of Samson. More importantly, Gabriel Gray became inspired to go after a more challenging target. Overall, a nice recovery for this storyline.

It was also a nice job by the writers of getting Sylar instantly involved with the fugitive storyline by having him go after Danko, who was probably too consumed with proving Nathan had an ability to notice.

Since the show still insists on dumbing things down for the audience AND its characters, it took Nathan getting from one point to another suspiciously fast a second time for Danko to put two and two together. In a related story, I was happy to see the Parkman bomb scare resolved relatively early (instead of having it dragged out), but since the whole D.C. explosion WAS the cliffhanger for an episode a few weeks back, it still felt anti-climactic.

Danko, interrogated Tracy who, for some reason, concealed Nathan’s secret. HRG then gently guided Danko toward Angela Petrelli who coolly sidestepped Danko’s interrogation and suggested she had a secret about Danko up her sleeve. (In fact, she was a little TOO cool in the restaurant scene, one of the few times I haven’t believed Cristine Rose as an actress.) Finally, Danko took a chance, shot out a window that had been very conspicuously established behind Nathan and pushed him to see if he would fly. And fly Nathan did (with the help of not quite top-notch green screen work).

I really like that Nathan has apparently become a fugitive himself. He flew all the way from D.C. to California to pick up his biological daughter, who’d been engaged in some heroics herself.

For some reason, Claire had a harder time helping people with abilities who didn’t look like models (Alex). Of course, the fact that Doyle the puppet master had also terrorized her family probably contributed to her hesitation in lending a hand. Eventually, she caved in and helped Doyle escape (how is she able to set up these new identities she’s been handing out?) which is a good thing because I believe the guy when he says he’s trying to change (despite the episode’s attempt near the end to throw us off). All I know is that the guy had the chance to kill at least three separate times and let each person live.

What is more interesting is seeing Claire become a bizarro version of her dad. Like HRG, she’s struggling to lead a double life, but instead of hunting heroes while appearing to be a normal person (like daddy), she’s trying to help them while holding down a job (I liked the stereotypical nerdy guys in the comic book place). How funny is it that no matter how much she thinks she hates her dad, she still turns to him for advice because maybe they’re not so different after all. Less effective was the whole “what kind of hero” thing, because Claire is CLEARLY the kind of person who acts without thinking out every angle first.

Finally, Hiro and Ando made their (not-so) triumphant return in this episode. They arrived at a house to save “Matt Parkman” only to be handed a baby by an impatient babysitter. I’m guessing this “Matt Parkman” is the baby of Parkman’s ex-wife. You know? The wife he found out had been cheating on him with a co-worker of his when he read her mind? No, don’t remember? It’s ok — she’s a pretty insignificant character, so I wonder why they’ve potentially brought her (or at least her baby) back into play. Also, do you remember when Hiro used to do important stuff? (Me neither.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Who are we likely to see again first — Luke or Samson Gray? Why is Tracy still on this show? Finally, don’t you think they’re dragging out this whole “Rebel” thing a bit too much? At least offer us some clues to his/her identity?

American Idol: Michael Jackson Night Wasn't "Bad" At All

I’m far from the only person who’s been down on the latest season of “American Idol.”

That’s why it was SO good (and a relief for someone like me who’s committed himself to watching every episode) that the singers finally stepped their game up in the first performance episode of the season 8 finals.

Now all we need is for the judges’ (more of a joke than ever, highlighted by their silly/unnecessary entrance) to follow suit. When the person I’m most looking forward to hearing from is Paula (and my anticipation is NOT 100% from a comedic standpoint) something is wrong. (Ok, you’re right — the feathered thing on Paula’s right shoulder was pretty damn funny.)

Because of this, I’m especially scared about the “surprise change in the rules” Seacrest and Simon teased. Maybe a few years ago (when Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London and Fantasia ended up in the bottom three) taking the vote out of the public’s hands might’ve seemed like a good idea. However, when you consider how terrible the judges have been (their increasingly irrelevant comments, their dumb wild card selections, how much they’ve shamelessly pimped certain contestants over others) giving them the power seems like a particularly bad idea this year.

But enough about those fools. Let’s talk about what happened on stage, which was surprisingly good, given that the contestants were covering songs by Michael Jackson, who is only one of the most unique musical artists of all time. Except for a few (Anoop and Lil) the singers were wise to stay away from the King of Pop’s more signature tunes (signature = any song where MJ says “chmon!”) Of course, that resulted in more than a few songs I’d never heard, but, to their credit, the singers made them interesting.

For example, I’d never heard “Give in to Me” or “Dirty Diana”, but Allison Iraheta and Alexis Grace each gave strong compelling performances. I’m lumping them both into the same paragraph because I suspect they’ll ultimately compete for the same edgy/rocker chick vote, though Alexis seems a bit more versatile.

Allison is so good that she’s one of the rare cases that the judges saying “you’re only 16” is not condescending, but is actually genuine praise. The fact that she’s so good and so comfortable on stage at such a young age is amazing (and slightly creepy). I would kind of prefer it if she didn’t sound like she smoked two packs of cigs a day when she spoke and I would REALLY prefer it if Fox didn’t use subtitles for people (like her dad) who are speaking Spanish-accented-but-intelligible English, but mostly I’m just glad that “it’s not like she’s cutting herself.” As far as Alexis is concerned, Paula is right that she needs to watch the over singing (told you Paula was on it), but she’s still one of my favorites. It seems like she can sing comfortably in almost any genre and is even establishing herself as the season’s stylista (was that a mini dress? Really short hot pants?)

While the judges gave Allison and Alexis good reviews, they saved their REALLY big, “ALL CAPS” praise for Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey (pictured, left). Unfortunately, I only agreed on the Danny front. Maybe it was because he was the first to truly energize the crowd last night, and his “P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) managed to be high-energy entertainment, without sacrificing his vocal prowess. I’m not sure that getting compared to Michael McDonald (he DOES sound like him) is a good thing for anyone under the age of 45, but he seemed happy with the compliment. I also didn’t really see anything wrong with his dancing because I really didn’t notice his dancing (I don’t remember it being Corkrey-esque).

On a related story, how “meh” was Lil Rounds that the judges only muster auto-pilot enthusiasm for her solid, but unimaginative take of “The Way You Make Me Feel.” Lil, along with Danny and Adam, is part of the trio of contestants most shoved down our throats by the judges, so the fact that she was so completely forgettable and that even the judges couldn’t find a way to wildly overrate her performance could mean trouble. I’m saying she makes a “shocking” appearance in the bottom 3 tonight.

While Lil struggled and Danny and Adam delivered, I wouldn’t exactly put them in the finals already like Paula did (she still has to bring SOME crazy, right?) The judges really fell over themselves praising Adam. I can’t say that it’s completely unjustified given the way he electrifies the crowd every time he sings and his obvious superior vocal abilities. I just didn’t think that he was the best last night or that he's in "a totally different league” (as Simon said). I also don’t understand what the judges are talking about when they say he’s so “current.” I mean, I guess he’s current if by current they mean “currently heard on a classic rock station or an 80’s hair band.” Still, very nice job out of him with “Black and White” — I just didn’t “J in my Pants” the way the judges did.

As far as the guys are concerned, I still think Kris Allen might have something to say in this competition. The fact that you could barely hear his guitar during “Remember the Time” was unfortunate (and made the performance kinda weird), but he looked just as comfortable on stage as anyone else, and I think his vocals are actually kinda underrated. The one mistake he made was not saying something like “I love my wife and I want as many people as possible to know that I’m married to this wonderful woman” when Simon made the crack about keeping the wife hidden a little longer. I think it would’ve earned him 2 million more votes. A WAY longer shot is Matt Giraud, who gave a lovely performance of “Human Nature”, but is really mostly coming off as a Justin Timberlake knockoff.

Anoop Desai is another strong male contender, though it’s becoming increasingly clear that it’s because of his charisma and energy and not so much because of any great vocal ability. He gave the worst performance of the evening by far (a lame rendition of the repetitive “Beat It”) but his fan base should keep him in the competition. I can’t say the same (neither that he’s a strong male contender NOR that his fan base will keep him in the competition) about Jorge Nuñez. And this is coming from someone who actually enjoyed his “Never Can Say Goodbye.” Yes, it was cheesy and old-fashioned, but that’s who Jorge is!

Apparently, being cheesy and old-fashioned is only acceptable if you’re blind or if you’re a roughneck (bonus points to Simon, for sarcastically asking Michael what his job was). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Scott MacIntyre and Michael Sarver are really nice guys but they are just not good enough to win this competition. Scott isn’t really good enough to even be here (sorry, but he’s no more amazing behind a piano than he was on his own), while Michael actually gave his best performance so far, but still has 11th place written all over him.

As far as the rest of the ladies are concerned, they have a lot of work to do to catch Allison, Alexis and Lil. Megan Joy Corkrey looked the most encouraging, at least from a pure entertainment standpoint. Her “Rockin’ Robin” (Andy Bernard's favorite song) was nuts! And it had almost nothing to do with her dancing, which was considerably less hideous this week. I’m not sure how current it was, but I really liked her take on the song and the “caw-caw” at the end was, as I already said, NUTS!

Whether you love Megan or hate her, you can’t argue that she’s memorable — which is pretty much the opposite of Jasmine Murray. Jasmine did a competent job with “I’ll Be There”, but her voice is still not distinctive enough and her stage presence is non-existent. (She has “stage absence.”) All you need to know about Jasmine is that when Simon called her performance “robotic” the audience didn’t even bother booing — because no one cared. And because it WAS robotic.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was it as weird for you as it was for me to see the judges, um, walking? (Maybe if they had cut that dumb intro out, the judges would’ve had time to properly comment on Alexis Grace’s performance.) Will the show really eliminate two people already? (If so, what was the point of having a top 13?) What do you think the “surprise change to the rules” will be? Finally, which singer(s) do you think will go home? (If it’s just one, I think it’ll be Jasmine, if it’s two, it’ll be Jasmine and Jorge.)

Dancing with the Stars: Smooth, Criminal

Due to the fact that it’s fairly late in the evening (7:30 p.m.) and that I have some “American Idol” to watch in a little bit, I’m going to do a quickie recap on the eighth season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars.”

I promise to (try to) deliver more in-depth recaps as the season goes on, partly because I’m a dance geek, and partly because this is shaping up to be the most entertaining, eclectic cast in a couple of years. (Though I reserve the right to flake out and do quickie recaps if the format works.)

Here are my unfair snap judgments on this season’s couples, who cha cha cha'd and waltzed last night, in order of appearance:

Lil’ Kim/Derek (pictured, right): Lil’ Kim has the opposite of a ballroom dancer’s body (which is kinda awesome). Great song choice of “Nasty Girls” right off the bat. She dedicated her cha cha cha to her fellow prisoners (fellow “Nasty Girls”) at the Federal Detention Center (which is TOTALLY awesome). Seemed really nervous, but should relax in coming weeks.

Belinda Carlisle/Jonathan: Loved Jonathan’s title as “World Smooth Champion” (why wasn’t I up for that?) Belinda is not bad, but is something much worse – she’s pretty boring. She’s like a worse, more boring version of Priscilla Presley. (What?! Presley was pretty damn decent! Seriously)

Lawrence Taylor/Edyta: He’s like the older, unhip uncle of the show’s past successful football players, who’ve all made it to the finals. He DID dance too small, but I think he can improve. I guess LT’s crack cocaine problem is where the show draws line, as far as past “issues” the show will allow its stars to talk about.

Steve-O/Lacey: Rehab is ok though! His waltz was a total crowd pleaser! Totally charming and seems to have the (liiiive) audience behind him. I’d say he “put his foot in the waltz’s butt.”

Gilles Marini/Cheryl: The surprise of the evening for me and the best performance. A LOT better than I thought he was going to be. Then again, he kinda NEEDS to be this good since no one really knows who the hell he is (not by name, at least). Cheryl’s goal was to make the people watching uncomfortable, and watching him run his finger between her breasts accomplished that – so well done.

Chuck Wicks/Julianne: The male Belinda Carlisle (Boooorriiinng). Don’t remember anything about him other than the fact that he’s Julianne’s boyfriend. This should buy him two more weeks, tops.

Holly Madison/Dmitry: Totally generous pity score of 18, despite Tom’s insistence that the judges would only take what they saw last night into account. Has no dancing skills, but is missing the stank “why am I even here?” demeanor of Kim Kardashian. She DOES have Kim’s hesitation about cutting loose. Welcome to the show Dmitry. I think he’ll be great on this show – especially as soon as he’s not partnered with Holly Madison anymore.

Ty Murray/Chelsie Hightower: He was the absolute worst last night. However, his awfulness was kinda amusing, so I liked him better than Belinda or Chuck. He definitely has an air of, “Crap, my wife (Jewel) dragged me into this, and now she’s not even dancing!” It reminds me of the time Chandler ended up watching “The Vagina Monologues” alone on “Friends.” (Can you tell I’ve been watching “Friends” reruns on TBS every day?) I feel bad for Chelsie.

Shawn Johnson/Mark (pictured, left): Mark looked more than ever like Marc from Ugly Betty to me. Shawn was VERY good from the beginning, and I believe she’ll keep improving. Love her enthusiasm about the show. I like her chances a LOT. (See next to last paragraph.)

Steve Wozniak/Karina: Just a really nice guy. Made the “shorts with black socks and blacks shoes” look during rehearsals charming, when it’s usually hideous (ok, it was still kinda hideous). One of the more entertaining routines and he gives a crap. I LOVED his knee spins a lot. How long till his Segway gets incorporated into a routine? MUCH better than Ty, who got one more point than him.

David Alan Grier/Kym: He was CLEARLY joking about the “no hugging” policy when meeting Kym. He can actually dance once he stops kidding around (but will he?) Most of his jokes (especially the ones directed at Kym) landed with a thud. Ok, the one about receiving sexual favors was bad too. His humor is not (yet) right for this show. I mean even Adam Corolla’s jokes went over better in the beginning.

Denise Richards/Maksim: Danced almost exactly like Holly Madison. She had two more weeks of training, so what was her excuse? Her dancing ceiling = Shannon Elizabeth. Worst-case scenario = newborn Bambi = last night. Winner for “Most Uncomfortable Rehearsal Package”(She started crying because she was apologizing too much.) I kept waiting for her to tell Maks, “: It’s Complicated”. (She NEEDS to say this at some point before she’s kicked off in four weeks.)

Melissa Rycroft/Tony: The only thing more amusing than her having no rehearsal footage (because there was no rehearsal time) was the glittery thing covering her lower back tattoo. She’s this season’s ringer, having danced for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders AND practiced ballet extensively. The sympathy from what happened to her on “The Bachelor” and her skill should carry her to the finals, but I’m feeling like an anti-Melissa backlash (she had the entire country on her side, but now she’s running the risk of coming off like an attention-grabbing, reality TV junkie) will develop by then and cost her the win.

Melissa would be my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All, except for the inevitable backlash I just mentioned. So I’m going with Shawn Johnson. Mark + Olympic sweetheart = Mirror Ball Trophy, right?

So what’d you think of this episode? Which injured celeb are you saddest to see sidelined? Why do these E! starlets seem so hesitant to bust loose and “Just Dance.”? (Anything they do on this show can’t be more shameful than their shenanigans on E!) Are we sure Belinda Carlisle and Priscilla Presley aren’t the same person? Do you mind when the “stars” are upfront about their checkered pasts? (I find it mostly endearing.) Are you surprised that Edyta was the only pro (male or female) to fondle her own breasts during the video intro packages? Finally, which couple is your early favorite and which is the couple you can’t stand already?

24: Top Bill-ing

I think we got the definitive answer last night to the season-long question (asked by Renee, at least) of whether Jack Bauer still “feels” anything.

I would direct you to the scene where Jack simply slumps to the floor on the doorway to the president’s safe room and put his head in his hands with despair after a beloved, longtime character in the “24” universe nobly sacrificed himself. (GREAT job by Kiefer Sutherland in this scene. It’s good to see him play something other than phone-tasering badass-ness every once in a while.)

Of course, with Gen. Juma taking the president and others hostage, we knew there’d be some casualties. We figured we’d lose a nobody (like the hostage Juma “released”) but we also had to figure the show would kill someone off whose name appears in the opening credits. Maybe even someone we care about to make the death significant.

While I’ll miss the character of Bill Buchanan (pictured, right), killing him off was done in a very effective way that made storytelling sense. Ever since his first scruffy appearance this season, Bill (with his wife Karen Hayes curiously missing) has seemed like a shell of his former self. More recently, he seemed ashamed that he did not have the stomach to torture Burnett for information in the previous hour. Recognizing that Jack was the one person who could get the job done, he ran to the edge of the president’s safe room, where Jack had allowed some C4 to leak, and blew himself up to create a diversion and save the day.

The character’s noble death (followed by the trademark silent clock) ranks among the series best along with Teri Bauer’s shocking death at the end of season 1 and George Mason’s sacrifice in season 2. Great job by the writers in sending out the character in a fitting way, instead of having him die like a punk (ala Curtis Manning in season 6).

Bill’s sacrifice allowed Moss’s team to storm the White House (despite VP Mitchell Hayworth’s continued protestations). Juma ordered an underling to kill the hostages, while Juma himself was planning on going after the president. Unfortunately for the general, he ran into Jack Bauer who killed him to death with multiple gunshots (Jack gave you a chance, general). Jack also found time to save the life of Sen. Mayer, his chief antagonist so far, but I have a feeling the crusty Mayer isn’t ready to let bygones be bygones just yet.

With the White House safe, Jack rested for exactly two seconds before setting off on his next mission. Bill had told him that Juma had received intel from an outside source and that President Taylor was still in danger. Unfortunately, Special Agent in Charge of Being Two Steps Behind Larry Moss arrested Bauer and forbade him from re-interrogating Burnett, who was in a nearby hospital.

Renee disagreed with the decision and unleashed my favorite mini speech of the season when she pointed out that, while some of the things Bauer does are extreme, he’s been right every step of the way. Furthermore, if they’d let him handle things, maybe we all wouldn’t be in this mess. (High five, Agt. Walker!)

Walker wasn’t done with the awesomeness yet as she convinced Ethan, the president’s chief aide, to allow Bauer to interrogate Burnett. Ethan signed off on it quickly (much to Moss’ dismay) but insisted on keeping the president in the dark.

I’m having a really tough time getting a read on Ethan. I mentioned in my recap last week that him leaving the White House (as Burnett was attempting to) before the attack by Juma was pretty suspicious. Then again, I felt bad for the guy when Olivia took the olive branch he offered her and set it on fire. Turns out the reason Olivia was estranged from her mother stemmed from when she was a member of her mother’s campaign and released damaging information about the president’s opponent. Ethan and her mother hated the move then, and Ethan still thought bringing her into the administration was a mistake. Olivia accepted the invitation back, but lit into him for allowing the corruption that’s plagued her mother’s administration under his watch.

Like I said, I felt bad for the guy at first, but the more I think about it, maybe Olivia IS the person to come in and clean house. More importantly, maybe the reason Ethan seemed so put off is that he probably DOES have something to hide. Remember, Ethan, Renee and Moss were the only people who knew that Jack was going to interrogate Burnett, so how did Jonas Hodges’ people find out (I know they said it was some techie mumbo jumbo, but I’m not buying it.) Also, maybe the reason Ethan allowed the interrogation was to set up the eventual frame job on Jack (bonus genius points if it turns out he was thinking THAT far ahead.) Mostly though, I’m going back to not trusting him because I can never fully trust the warden from “The Shawshank Redemption.”

We got a little more insight into Jonas Hodges’ plans (he was receiving a weapons shipment from Juma and seems to be planning some sort of potentially high-casualty attack), but mostly we got more insight into his mind. The guy is a wonderful kook. I kinda slammed Jon Voight’s over-the-top performance last week, but in a “24” universe filled with buttoned-up tightasses like Larry Moss, the color Voight brings to this role is more than welcome. He’s CLEARLY enjoying himself, and my uneducated guess is that part of his plan involves getting President Taylor out of the way so he can put his puppet (VP Hayworth) in power.

Before that, Hodges had to stop Jack from getting Burnett to talk. Never fear, because Seaton, his second-in-command, sent Quinn to the hospital to “deal with” Burnett and Jack. Quinn killed a lonely patient to create a diversion (did the quirky killer want to minimize family heartache?) before paralyzing Jack with gas in the middle of his interrogation with Burnett, who was not only ready to talk, but was also ready for a new pair of underpants. Quinn brutally killed Burnett with a shard of glass (slit throat, stab in the chest) and put drooling Jack’s fingerprints on the weapon.

So now Jack is on the run, imploring Special Agt. in Charge of Being Two Steps Behind to not believe the frame job designed to distract him, and instead focus on finding who is still after the president. Given the way Moss quickly took his finger out of Jack’s chest after Jack stared him down before the Burnett investigation, maybe Moss will actually do what Jack says. Nah!

So what’d you think of this episode? Why were there C4 canisters in that safe room? (Doesn’t seem very “safe” to me.) Was I the only one who thought Hodges was going to poison Seaton when he offered him a drink? (I was happy he didn’t, because it made the gesture a lot more random and interesting.) How long before Renee breaks her indefinite suspension? Are you looking forward to a Jack/Quinn face off as much as I am? Finally, what do you think happened between Agt. Pierce (can I call him “Aaron”?) and Martha Logan, and do you think it’ll lead to the return of (the maybe/hopefully alive) Charles Logan?

Desperate Housewives: Desperate Husbands

Last night’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” was just weird.

Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that the show has only aired one new installment in the past month or so, resulting in a lack of storytelling rhythm. Nevertheless, I feel like last night’s episode would’ve seemed odd even if it had come after 20 straight original episodes.

For example, what is going on with Gabby and the storyline involving her keeping Carlos’ boss’ affair a secret? All this time, I though the $30,000 bonus Brad had agreed to pay Carlos was to cover up that ONE time he cheated on his wife Maria. I guess I missed the part where everybody agreed that the money would allow Brad to continuously cheat on his wife.

Eventually (as is always the case these days) Gabby and Carlos’ conscience got the better of them. First, Gabby tried to guilt Sheila the slutty mistress into breaking up with Brad. We know she’s slutty because of the way her boobs were hanging out as she held Gabby’s hair hostage in the salon she works. Though that didn’t work, Gabby approaching Sheila freaked Brad out enough that he confessed to his wife — while she was holding a knife. You can pretty much guess how that ended.

What’s not so clear is why this is even happening? I mean, who cares if Maria kills her cheating husband? I would barely put either character on the show’s D-list, as far as importance. I guess we’re going to have to wait and see how Gabby and Carlos get dragged into this mess. Right now, I can’t think of a way that won’t feel like a stretch (but then again, I’m not very smart). I hope the writers show why they make the big bucks and either come up with something good to connect the Solises to this murder or just drop it completely.

Another really weird thing that happened last night was that I was actually (mostly) on Susan’s side for a change.

She and Katherine started out the evening cruising next to each other on the high road regarding the matter of Susan’s ex-husband Mike moving in with Katherine across the street. Of course, it wasn’t long before both skidded off and ended up in a fiery wreck off the side of the high road.

It started with Katherine taking down a painting she liked — until she found out Susan had painted it on her honeymoon with Mike — and lying about it. Susan eventually called her out on it during Katherine’s housewarming party, leading to a big fight with Mike. My feeling is that Katherine started this whole thing by taking down the painting and lying about it after Susan accidentally burned her by mentioning she painted it on their honeymoon (and I DO honestly believe Susan didn’t mean to rub things in).

Of course, the real issue is that Susan and Katherine’s “I’m ok, you’re ok” act was WAY over the top. As Edie summarized, Katherine is now shacking up with her friend’s ex right across the street — it’s perfectly normal for these two to not be BFFs! On the other end of the spectrum, they also don’t need to be sworn enemies and throw things at each other (Teri Hatcher does NOT need to do anymore slapstick!) However, the latter would be more entertaining than the BFF route. Yesterday’s literally “wink, wink” resolution with Susan taking the painting out of Katherine’s house by playing the petty ex-wife seemed silly.

However, for the second episode in a row, the competition for biggest tool came down to Tom and Orson. (I would nominate Dave too, but I’ve ceased to care about this storyline. It’s a shame because I was loving Neal McDonough at the start of this season. Now I just want something, ANYTHING to happen. And, no, having a random priest be the only person from Fairview who finally recognizes Dave Dash from when he lived there with his former wife does NOT count.)

Actually, I’m just going to go ahead and give the (no)prize to Orson. He may be unfailingly polite, but Orson doesn’t even have Tom’s respect. Was Tom too harsh on Orson after Orson went to Scavo’s to try to comfort his former Blue Odyssey bandmate? Yes, he was harsh. However, was everything Tom said absolutely true? Yes it was. It wasn’t polite, but it was true.

I get that Orson is frustrated about everything that’s happened to him, but he DID run someone over with his car, so not having the respect he did when he was a dentist, while a bummer, doesn’t seem TOO bad to me. I also don’t understand why his response to all of this is to become a kleptomaniac. It just screams of the writers saying, “We have Kyle McLachlan in the cast and he used to headline movies in the 80’s — we gotta give him SOMETHING to do (even if it doesn’t make sense), right?” (That would explain his weird imitation of Tom's Italian salt shaker.)

If they want to give Orson (not Orville) something to do, why not have him revisit his dark side. There was a hint of that earlier this season when he forced Bree to cook for him after a long day. And after being taunted by Bree’s book publisher, I saw potential for him to go back to his vehicular manslaughtering ways (the guy and his tape recorder DID deserve to get hit by a car).

Of course, the reason the publisher was at Bree’s house for dinner was to offer Tom a job. The only problem was that Tom was completely morose and disinterested after losing Scavo’s (the only thing he was missing was a “Milk was a bad choice” beard), so I cheered when Lynette jumped into the sweepstakes for the job herself.

After all, why shouldn’t Lynette be the one to go back to work? More entertainingly, this jumpstarted Tom’s competitive side, which is a delight because this couple is more effective when they’re on somewhat equal footing (as opposed to when Tom is acting like an idiot or Lynette is in super-harpy mode). In the end, things went from competitive to nasty with Lynette mentioning that Tom drove Scavo’s into the ground, and Tom striking back with “I hope your cancer doesn’t flare up again” (we have a winner/loser!)

However, in a shocking twist, the couple got over their incredibly insensitive remarks in a nice scene that you probably have to be in a couple to appreciate it. Was their reconciliation a little TOO quick and neatly tied up? Probably. But this is a TV show that needs to keep the pace moving. And the idea was that getting something out in the open (no matter how brutal) can be incredibly cleansing. Sometimes it breaks people apart, and other times it brings people closer together. These two (pictured, left) showed last night why they’re still my favorite couple in the show.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Brad dead for sure? Does Teri Hatcher have any shirts that are NOT see-through? Why did it take so long for someone else from Fairview to recognize Dave? (Was he a brunette before?) Are you looking forward to Lynette going back to work? Finally, it’s no secret that Nicollette Sheridan is leaving the show — how do you think (and how would you like) Edie to be written out?