Dancing with the Stars: Smooth, Criminal

Due to the fact that it’s fairly late in the evening (7:30 p.m.) and that I have some “American Idol” to watch in a little bit, I’m going to do a quickie recap on the eighth season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars.”

I promise to (try to) deliver more in-depth recaps as the season goes on, partly because I’m a dance geek, and partly because this is shaping up to be the most entertaining, eclectic cast in a couple of years. (Though I reserve the right to flake out and do quickie recaps if the format works.)

Here are my unfair snap judgments on this season’s couples, who cha cha cha'd and waltzed last night, in order of appearance:

Lil’ Kim/Derek (pictured, right): Lil’ Kim has the opposite of a ballroom dancer’s body (which is kinda awesome). Great song choice of “Nasty Girls” right off the bat. She dedicated her cha cha cha to her fellow prisoners (fellow “Nasty Girls”) at the Federal Detention Center (which is TOTALLY awesome). Seemed really nervous, but should relax in coming weeks.

Belinda Carlisle/Jonathan: Loved Jonathan’s title as “World Smooth Champion” (why wasn’t I up for that?) Belinda is not bad, but is something much worse – she’s pretty boring. She’s like a worse, more boring version of Priscilla Presley. (What?! Presley was pretty damn decent! Seriously)

Lawrence Taylor/Edyta: He’s like the older, unhip uncle of the show’s past successful football players, who’ve all made it to the finals. He DID dance too small, but I think he can improve. I guess LT’s crack cocaine problem is where the show draws line, as far as past “issues” the show will allow its stars to talk about.

Steve-O/Lacey: Rehab is ok though! His waltz was a total crowd pleaser! Totally charming and seems to have the (liiiive) audience behind him. I’d say he “put his foot in the waltz’s butt.”

Gilles Marini/Cheryl: The surprise of the evening for me and the best performance. A LOT better than I thought he was going to be. Then again, he kinda NEEDS to be this good since no one really knows who the hell he is (not by name, at least). Cheryl’s goal was to make the people watching uncomfortable, and watching him run his finger between her breasts accomplished that – so well done.

Chuck Wicks/Julianne: The male Belinda Carlisle (Boooorriiinng). Don’t remember anything about him other than the fact that he’s Julianne’s boyfriend. This should buy him two more weeks, tops.

Holly Madison/Dmitry: Totally generous pity score of 18, despite Tom’s insistence that the judges would only take what they saw last night into account. Has no dancing skills, but is missing the stank “why am I even here?” demeanor of Kim Kardashian. She DOES have Kim’s hesitation about cutting loose. Welcome to the show Dmitry. I think he’ll be great on this show – especially as soon as he’s not partnered with Holly Madison anymore.

Ty Murray/Chelsie Hightower: He was the absolute worst last night. However, his awfulness was kinda amusing, so I liked him better than Belinda or Chuck. He definitely has an air of, “Crap, my wife (Jewel) dragged me into this, and now she’s not even dancing!” It reminds me of the time Chandler ended up watching “The Vagina Monologues” alone on “Friends.” (Can you tell I’ve been watching “Friends” reruns on TBS every day?) I feel bad for Chelsie.

Shawn Johnson/Mark (pictured, left): Mark looked more than ever like Marc from Ugly Betty to me. Shawn was VERY good from the beginning, and I believe she’ll keep improving. Love her enthusiasm about the show. I like her chances a LOT. (See next to last paragraph.)

Steve Wozniak/Karina: Just a really nice guy. Made the “shorts with black socks and blacks shoes” look during rehearsals charming, when it’s usually hideous (ok, it was still kinda hideous). One of the more entertaining routines and he gives a crap. I LOVED his knee spins a lot. How long till his Segway gets incorporated into a routine? MUCH better than Ty, who got one more point than him.

David Alan Grier/Kym: He was CLEARLY joking about the “no hugging” policy when meeting Kym. He can actually dance once he stops kidding around (but will he?) Most of his jokes (especially the ones directed at Kym) landed with a thud. Ok, the one about receiving sexual favors was bad too. His humor is not (yet) right for this show. I mean even Adam Corolla’s jokes went over better in the beginning.

Denise Richards/Maksim: Danced almost exactly like Holly Madison. She had two more weeks of training, so what was her excuse? Her dancing ceiling = Shannon Elizabeth. Worst-case scenario = newborn Bambi = last night. Winner for “Most Uncomfortable Rehearsal Package”(She started crying because she was apologizing too much.) I kept waiting for her to tell Maks, “: It’s Complicated”. (She NEEDS to say this at some point before she’s kicked off in four weeks.)

Melissa Rycroft/Tony: The only thing more amusing than her having no rehearsal footage (because there was no rehearsal time) was the glittery thing covering her lower back tattoo. She’s this season’s ringer, having danced for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders AND practiced ballet extensively. The sympathy from what happened to her on “The Bachelor” and her skill should carry her to the finals, but I’m feeling like an anti-Melissa backlash (she had the entire country on her side, but now she’s running the risk of coming off like an attention-grabbing, reality TV junkie) will develop by then and cost her the win.

Melissa would be my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All, except for the inevitable backlash I just mentioned. So I’m going with Shawn Johnson. Mark + Olympic sweetheart = Mirror Ball Trophy, right?

So what’d you think of this episode? Which injured celeb are you saddest to see sidelined? Why do these E! starlets seem so hesitant to bust loose and “Just Dance.”? (Anything they do on this show can’t be more shameful than their shenanigans on E!) Are we sure Belinda Carlisle and Priscilla Presley aren’t the same person? Do you mind when the “stars” are upfront about their checkered pasts? (I find it mostly endearing.) Are you surprised that Edyta was the only pro (male or female) to fondle her own breasts during the video intro packages? Finally, which couple is your early favorite and which is the couple you can’t stand already?