Dancing with the Stars: Highs and (All-Time) Low

This is shaping up to be the most EXTREME season of “Dancing with the Stars” yet.

I’m not necessarily talking about contestants busting out snowboards (would you really be surprised on this show?) or trying death-defying stunts. What I’m referring to is the biggest disparity in talent I’ve ever seen on this show. The good dancers are REALLY good, and the bad dancers are cover-your-eyes awful.

In honor Belinda Carlisle watching some of last night’s performances and punching a wall out of frustration that she got eliminated before some of these fools, allow me to ramble about last night’s dances (the samba and fox trot) in order of appearance.

Denise Richards & Maksim: And we’re back to the cringe-worthy: It’s Complicated rehearsal packages. Denise asks Maks about a move and he (unhelpfully) responds with “none of your business.” Going first did her no favors as she looks completely nervous and awkward and terrible throughout. Possibly the worst samba roll I’ve ever seen in my life (I love me a samba roll.) She got two “5”s but I actually would’ve tossed in a “4” because she’s not injured (as far as we know) and has had plenty of time to prep (unlike Holly and Melissa). So what’s her excuse for being so bad? I thought it would’ve been great if one of those black bars had covered Maks’ nipples when his samba dress top fell off.

Chuck Wicks & Julianne: Significant improvement last night from Chuck as he made the bold decision to actually dance this week. The eights he got are still a bit ridiculous. You can probably tell I’m still not into this couple and their (forced) efforts to prove they’re just this cool average couple and that he’s a normal guy still fall flat. My girlfriend Erica may have pegged why I don’t care for these two: “The pro dancer should NOT be more famous than the celebrity.” I totally agree with this, but given that Melissa and Gilles aren’t that famous I’d amend it to say, “The pro dancer should NOT be the only reason a “Star” is counted as a celebrity and allowed to participate on this show.”

Holly Madison & Dmitry: This week Holly officially passed Denise in terms of dancing talent (despite having a LOT less time to learn). Samba was still pretty rough, but definitely livelier. Though she’s having fun up there, Dmitry’s reaction of “It’s hard” to the question of whether or not he missed Jewel had to hurt. Then again, Holly seems so oblivious she probably didn’t even notice. Finally, what’s up with the knee-high socks/heels combo in rehearsal?

Steve-O & Lacey: Maybe they should’ve used the footage from their allegedly-better rehearsal THIS week. That was a pretty long (bleep) during his rehearsal. Erica pointed out that clean-cut Steve-O looks like a little boy when dances ballroom. Appeared to hurt his ankle at the end, but is determined to come back. He’s in danger of becoming the Black Knight from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”

Lawrence Taylor & Edyta: How do we know LT is serious about dancing? Because he’s giving up golf outings (but not golf outings with Melissa)! (Were we supposed to know this a big deal/care?) Either way, Len is totally right in that LT’s biggest problem is that he needs to lighten up because he definitely has skills. His ceiling is still a sixth place finish, no?

Shawn Johnson & Mark: Mark lightly hitting on Shawn’s teenage friends in West Des Moines, Iowa wasn’t as creepy as it should’ve been. Is West Des Moines the “bad” part of Des Moines? Shawn was excellent last night, getting a 27 and vaulting past Lil’ Kim into this season’s top 3. She smoothed out her rigidness for the fox trot, so I’m sure the judges will find something new to nitpick about her.

Gilles Marine & Cheryl: The only person who danced more intensely than Gilles was Cheryl, who (as Carrie Ann pointed out) seems TOTALLY inspired. (What dancing with Wayne Newton doesn’t fire a person up?) This was probably my favorite dance of the night (Gilles looked like a pro at time). He gets big time kudos for, not only following up his own personal 27 from last week, but matching Shawn Johnson’s own 27 from just a few moments before. I’m still not sure why you would dedicate a sexy samba to your mom.

David Alan Grier & Kym: David Alan Grier finally put things together somewhat. At least these two finally appeared to be enjoying each other’s company. I’m not sure what all the high kicks had to do with ballroom (they’re more Broadway), but I liked them. (This show should land him another gig on the Great White Way, no?) Erica pointed out his center of gravity when he spins is weird and I agreed because we’re both dance dorks and we notice that kind of thing.

Steve Wozniak & Karina: Nothing about this was good — except for Woz saying his 10 (the lowest score in the show’s history) was not low enough. I’d go even farther — this wasn’t just the worst televised samba, I’d bet it was the worst samba anyone has ever done anywhere. Karina (in her prison-striped gown) looks miserable. Woz injured his hamstring this week, leading to a lot of close ups on his fleshy leg. Nice line about his “worm” (pictured, left) being more like a “slug.” Whenever he’s dancing, I’m either afraid he’s going to fall down, hurt himself or drop Karina. (He did the latter last night.) Someone please explain to me why you would put this guy through. I mean, even if you like him (and I do), you have to be rooting for him to go home and rest, right?

Melissa Rycroft & Tony: Are you sure you don’t want to hang on to that awesome job you had Melissa? (You got to work in an awesome cubicle, like me!) Is it her fault that she’s so good that her dances look effortless? Kristi Yamaguchi alert! Oh wait, Kristi Yamaguchi won. Carry on.

Lil’ Kim & Derek: I love Lil’ Kim’s easy-going enthusiasm (pay attention Denise) and willingness to learn. Didn’t love her samba (her arm extensions are a little weird), but I’ll let it go because it inspired Len to coin the term “bionic booty.”

Ty Murray & Chelsie: Not only is he the most improved person this year, he’s the most improved person I’ve ever seen on this show (based on how dismal he was that first week). I’m still not 100% sure he can pull off a Latin dance. When Chelsie slipped on her dress and fell, the only person who didn’t freak out was Ty (even I freaked out a bit). Love this guy’s attitude.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Ty improvement mean that Chelsie is a sort of Mrs. Miyagi-like teacher? (I say “YES”) Did Shawn, Melissa or Gilles deserve a 10? (I say, “Yes”) Finally, is this the week one of the injured Steve’s goes home? (I say Woz’s time is up, but I’d also advise Denise Richards to watch her back.)