Dancing with the Stars: Wincing with the Stars

I like the second week of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Ever since the show made the smart move of giving each celebrity two performances before eliminating one, the second episode has been the one to watch for a couple of reasons. The celebrities seem to shake off a significant portion of their opening night jitters and the dancing improves significantly. Also, by the second episode, we’ve gotten a tiny glimpse of each celeb’s personality and we have some favorites going into their second dances. (As opposed to the season premieres, which always feature at least three people I’ve never heard of, and people I HAVE heard of coming off as surprisingly jerky — right, David Alan Grier?)

Since there’s still an obscenely high amount of celebrities competing I’m going to go through each couple (in order of appearance) and give my semi-jumbled rambling thoughts on last night’s show (which debuted new and considerably UGLIER number paddles for the judges).

Holly Madison and Dmitry: I liked their opposites attract rehearsal segment. It’s nice to see someone other than me puts mayonnaise on their hot dog. (I put mayo on the bun, I don’t know if Dmitry puts it directly on the hot dog — gross.) Holly was better, but the judges were exactly right in that she appeared to be chasing Dmitry through most of their quickstep. They were also right in that her (fake) bust is knocking her off balance. She’s still very stiff, but people who are stiff do better with ballroom dances (see: Murray, Ty a little later on). Could Dmitry be the new Maks?

David Alan Grier and Kym: These two have NOT connected with the judges, the viewing audience or each other AT ALL. They won’t last very long if that keeps up. David asked for a challenging routine and Kym threw in a bunch of complicated moves that had little to do with salsa. She needs to take the reins in this partnership and put more content in their dances because David has skills. Did they really deserve a 5, Len?

Denise Richards and Maksim: Much improved on the dance floor, and much improved in the rehearsal space (100% less crying). She’s still basically the same as Holly Madison, except that she’s had a lot more time to train. Turns out that Mel B. wasn’t grabbing Tom’s ass on her own a few seasons ago — Maksim’s the one urging his partners to do it.

Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan: I did NOT need to see that. And by “that”, I mean the end of the routine with Belinda’s crotch right under Jonathan’s face after her handstand. The rest of the routine was no better. As my girlfriend said, Belinda looked like she needed WD-40 during some stiff “salsa” moves. Belinda deserved 5s, but I’m ok with the judges’ 6s because Belinda showed a willingness to let go and you’d hate to break her spirit. Still, if I were judging this, I would’ve raised a paddle that said “Yikes!” instead of a number.

Ty Murray and Chelsie: Had to stop and rewind Ty and Chelsie completely whiffing on their high-five at the start of their quickstep! Still, he recovered from that mishap nicely and danced a nice routine (his complete rigidness working in his favor). Love this guy’s “I know I’m terrible, but whatever” attitude. Chelsie should NEVER leave him to dance solo, because he’s a train wreck when asked to dance on his own.

Shawn Johnson and Mark: Completely agree with the judges that Shawn’s salsa was adorable — and we all mean that in a non-condescending way. Still, do we want an “adorable” salsa? More importantly, do we want a naughty 17 year old? Finally, Mark may be the girliest dancer on the show.

Steve Wozniak and Karina: He needs to go home because the doctors tell him he’s crushing his left foot. Watching him dance and wonder whether he’s his left foot is going to collapse or if he’s going to drop Karina (either looks like it could happen at any moment) is very uncomfortable. Even though he busted out the pink boa for the second week in a row, this was not fun times.

Chuck Wicks and Julianne: Words can barely describe how much I’m NOT into this real-life couple. Their “salsa” contained 0% salsa and 90 % Julianne dancing around chuck. Their rehearsal segments are even more painfully cutesy than the commercials for “Castle.” Chuck complaining about looking “feminine” is stupid. (Dude, have you never seen your girlfriend’s show?)

Lawrence Taylor and Edyta: LT is putting WAY too much pressure on himself. He should relax and have fun, because he’s not bad. His quickstep was smooth, charming, and slightly forgettable. I almost didn’t recognize Edyta because her midsection was covered up. Well, the top was sheer, so it was semi-covered.

Steve-O and Lacey: Steve-O lived up (or down) to his title, because only a Jackass would try a backflip onto a bulky mic pack (pictured, right) when he has a bad back. Their dance was also 0% salsa, but, unlike Chuck, Steve-O DID dance around for more than a few seconds at a time. I felt bad that Lacey had to take all of the judges’ harsh (and justified) critiques by herself since it was Steve-O’s idea. The dance floor looks weird with no audience. I’m predicting Steve-O drops out of the competition and no one is technically eliminated this week.

Lil’ Kim and Derek: The show seems to have recognized its best/most popular contestants and saved them for last. Kim (or “Lil’” as Len called her) was a pleasant and charming surprise in her first ballroom dance. The fact that her face was whiter than the rest of her body kinda freaked me out. Should make it to the top 3.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony: Melissa should be a shoe-in for the victory if the judges (or at least ABC) has their way. The storyline of a girl being embarrassed on one ABC show, only to triumph on another is too good to pass up. Yes, her salsa was good, but NOT a 9 in my book. Personally, I thought she was better last week. I like her, and she’s a lock for the final 2.

Gilles Marini and Cheryl: The breakout star of the season so far judging by the screams from the audience when he took his shirt off during rehearsal to nurse his ailing shoulder. I have no idea if his quickstep was really a 27 because I was too distracted by the awful song choice. Gave off a cool Jon Hamm in “30 Rock” (floppy hair and glasses) vibe. Will Cameron Mathison sue Gilles for stealing his Superman gig?

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you even notice the number paddles were different? (I mean, they were DISTRACTINGLY bad, right?) Why can’t celebs ever properly move their hips? Finally, who do you think will go head to head in the first head-to-head dance off? (I’m thinking Wozniak/Carlisle before the “shocking” announcement that Steve-O has dropped out.)